Monday, July 30, 2012

Argentina pulls athletes from Olympics after Brits dedicate 45 minutes of Opening Ceremony to reenactment of Falklands War

Above: The British created a Falkland War flag solely for the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics. "We certainly didn't intend to offend anybody with the nearly hour-long tribute to the 1982 war with Argentina," said one British official. "This year was the thirtieth anniversary of the victory." 

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Opening Ceremony: U.K. proudly reminds planet that global warming began with them

Above: The Industrial Revolution is depicted during the opening ceremony of the 2012 London Summer Olympics. "Global warming is a big topic today," said Queen Elizabeth, following the elaborate production which highlighted select portions of the United Kingdom's history. "And, you have us to thank for kick-starting the whole damn thing."

Friday, July 27, 2012

Heat Wave Relief: Ice Cube, Vanilla Ice, and Ice-T to give free concert in Love Park to help combat searing heat

Free ice cubes, ice tea, and vanilla ice cream will be available to concert attendees. Performers say give-aways not necessary, as 'our music will cool the people, word.'

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

U.S. Men's basketball team still adjusting to smaller Olympic ball

LeBron's new 'slider' and 'change-up' passes have kept opponents on edge. Kobe's 'knuckleball' three-point shot still needs work.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

New Barnes Museum vandalized with massive, tasteless graffiti

The radical group Citizens and Residents Against Barnes Relocation Association (CARABRA) has denied any involvement. CARABRA's alibi: 'We were all at Carrabba's Italian Grill in Springfield.'
Philadelphia--Vandals struck the brand spanking new Barnes Museum along the Ben Franklin Parkway sometime during the late night hours on Wednesday. The hooligans targeted the south-facing, third- and fourth-story overhanging illuminated facade that runs nearly the length of the museum. Police have no clues and are baffled at how the damage was conducted at such precipitous heights. "We don't even know how the culprits were able to spray paint that high on the building," said Detective Vincent Diagastino, a veteran with the Philadelphia Police Department. "It obviously took some equipment and time to write this and security cameras, unbelievably, caught nothing. No ropes left behind, cans of paint, or ladders ... nothing." The graffiti reads: "The House That Gonorrhea Built." It is a reference to the world-renowned art collection's founder Albert C. Barnes amassing a sizable fortune by developing a treatment for gonorrhea during the 1920s. Barnes used his wealth to collect art and establish an art school just outside the city limits in Merion, Pa. The Barnes Foundation's recent move from its Merion mansion to the Parkway has been a controversial one, but Police believe the graffiti is not connected to the vocal many who opposed the move, including CARABRA. Fundraising, not a gonorrhea empire, provided the primary funding for the foundation's new home on the Parkway.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

London warns Olympic visitors not to expect same 'high level of teeth that the world saw in 2008'

In 2009, England launched a public service campaign to improve the overall quality of teeth among its 50 million-plus residents in preparation for the 2012 Summer Olympics. Television ads, radio spots, print and internet ads encourage dental visits and improved dental hygiene, including brushing, flossing, and rinsing. The government handed out nearly $30 million of brushes, floss, and mouth wash over the past three years. English officials have been pleased overall with the success of the program, but fear the improvements made will be overshadowed by the high-level of teeth that the world witnessed in Beijing four years ago. "We made great strides and I'm proud of all my countrymen and women for the effort to improve their teeth, but we cannot expect to put on the same dental display that the Chinese did in 2008. We just can't match that," said London city planner Thomas Earl Covington. 

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Small part of western Mass. finally gains official Panhandle status

Congamond Lakes, MA--When thoughts of geographical panhandles come to mind, the portion of western Oklahoma often dominates. The Oklahoma Panhandle is the all-star of panhandles, it defines the very term itself and has very few (most say none) legitimate rivals. Friendly panhandle bar arguments fizzle out even before seriously starting up, as the Okla. handle unanimously rules. Because of this, it is home to the United States Panhandle Association of America (U.S.P.A.A.), the official governing body and status-giving panhandle authority. It is also home to the less influential, but nonetheless important, American Panhandle Council of America (A.P.C.A.).

Panhandles--the actual handle on a metal pan--can become very hot when set on the open flame of a kitchen stove or roaring campfire, and so too can the debate about their geographical namesakes. Tensions run high when new panhandle status is awarded and (painfully) denied. The F.B.I. is still investigating two murders from 1991 in Michigan after a panhandle application was shot down for the eighth time. (Michigan was applying to be the official panhandle of the United States, a title that Florida has also been pursuing.)

"The Oklahoma Panhandle is the king of all American panhandles," said Bobby Randolph, a resident of the new Massachusetts Panhandle. "We can't compete with that, but we are happy to finally be recognized officially as a panhandle."

Randolph is referring to the thirty-plus years that it took a small blip in the southern Massachusetts border to become a panhandle. The area is just over four square miles and is regularly referred to as the Mass. Pimple. It is predominately rural and forest-covered, but is home to over 500 residents. On the eastern edge of the handle is the Congamond Lakes, a recreational area very popular during the shortened northern summer.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Martha's Vinyard Beach Patrol issues following correction: DO NOT swim with the seals when great white sharks are spotted in the area

The beach patrol from the Massachusetts island admitted they stated the warning incorrectly this past weekend when they urged swimmers to 'blend in with the seals to avoid the pesky great whites.'

Friday, July 6, 2012

Spain assures Europe, world that banking issues will be addressed ... sometime in mid-September

Prime Minister Rajoy: 'Between the Euro12 championship and all the fun summer festivals that Spain offers, there's just no time to worry about the banks. There's just so much happening in the summer.'

Above: The San Fermin Festival begins in Pamplona, Spain, on July 6, 2012. The street party will give way to several days of running with the bulls. Participating government officials said they would be in no condition to address the country's banking crisis "until at least mid-September."

Above: A human tower in Catalonia, Spain, during the Santa Tecla Festival in August and early September.

Above: The Champions of Euro2012 parade through the streets of Madrid, Spain , as revelers welcome their soccer heroes home.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

New Damon Buster's restaurant/arcade along waterfront has rival Dave & Buster's concerned

Atlanta, GA--The rapidly growing restaurant/arcade Damon Buster's opens a new location every two weeks in the United States. The Atlanta-based chain will quickly overtake Dave & Buster's, the restaurant's chief competition, at its current rate of expansion. "Our policy is to grow, grow, grow, and then grow," said Damon Buster, the company's founder and president. "We offer a very unique product that our loyal customers appreciate, a product very much the same as Dave & Buster's, but at the same time, very different." Mr. Damon Buster also wanted to point out that MLB's Johnny Damon and Buster Posey are in no way involved with the chain, as one recent national television commercial suggested.