WilliamPennmanship

Ship passengers offered collector's edition Love Boat action figures as compensation

2012-01-27T14:01:00.004-05:00

Miami, FL--The Carnival Corporation announced today that all passengers aboard the Costa Concordia that ran aground off the coast of Italy on January 13 would be generously compensated in the form of "rare" action figures from the popular late 1970's and early 80's television show The Love Boat.

"The figures are valued at over $200 a piece, so ..." said Howard Newman, Carnival's vice president of customer satisfaction and relations. "There weren't very many [figures] made, but we found about 3,500 of them to distribute among our loyal, really cool passengers. I mean, we have the coolest passengers ... ever."

These passengers, after signing a document forfeiting any future right to pursue legal action against the cruise line, will enjoy the full figurine set that includes: Captain Stubing, Vicki, Isaac, Gopher, Julie and Doc.

"I feel like it's pretty fair compensation," said Brad Geiss, 39, from Silver Springs, MD, the neurologist was traveling on the ship with his new wife, Gloria. "I heard rumors of cash, but honestly I'm a big collector and this kind of stuff gets me very excited. Isn't that right, honey?"

"I bought Gopher and Doc back in 1985--they came in the same pack for a limited time--so I'm good with those two. I just need the other four to complete my set. This is awesome! Carnival really came through," said Jessica Smith, 42, of Dalesville, MA. "Carnival ruined my honeymoon but totally made up for it with these action figures. I'm signing that document."

The Costa Concordia had travelers from nearly 60 different countries when it capsized near Tuscany. How will callous promises of plastic toy models from a long ago American television show be eagerly accepted as compensation from such an international, traumatized audience?

"Well, to be quite honest, we think Captain Stubing had a very ... international appeal," added Newman. "Plus, look, the hats on each figurine are removable. I didn't know that until just right now. That's kind of cool."

Obama taking economy frustrations out on the basketball court

2012-01-25T09:30:00.001-05:00

Washington, D.C.--Seeking a much-needed distraction from the chaotic life that is commander-in-chief, President Obama engaged in a "friendly" game of pick-up basketball this afternoon prior to giving the State of the Union Address before Congress and the nation in the Capitol later in the evening. During the game the President committed, and was called for, a hard foul when driving the lane for a layup late in the contest. "He fouled me," shouted an embarrassed Obama, at the informal press conference that followed the basketball workout, to a reporter that had asked about the upcoming speech and not the scrimmage. "I play to win and everyone out there on that court plays to win. It really is not a big deal." Another reporter asked about current oil prices and Obama shot back: "It was a blocking foul, plain and simple. His wheels were clearly moving, they were never set. It was a bogus call."

Italian captain, Italian passengers noticed nothing unusual about ship

2012-01-18T22:00:00.002-05:00

CBS announcers instructed not to say Broncos' head coach's last name

2012-01-17T10:00:00.001-05:00

Foxboro, MA--CBS instructed Jim Nantz and Phil Simms, the first-team announcers for the station's N.F.L. broadcasts, not to say the last name of the Denver Broncos' head coach, John Fox, over the entire course of the telecast on Saturday's divisional playoff matchup between the Patriots and Broncos. CBS executives felt saying the last name would give free publicity to a rival network--FOX. "I was only permitted to say John during the game," said a frustrated Nantz. "It really threw me off, I was uncomfortable. If [the cameramen] showed John Fox on the sideline I could only say, 'And there is the head coach of the Broncos, John.'"

Singletary sneaks onto 49ers' sideline, brings own headset, monogrammed challenge flag

2012-01-14T17:14:00.006-05:00

San Francisco, CA--Mike Singletary, who was fired from the head coaching job of the 49ers after last season, is back on the sideline for the City by the Bay. However, not in any official capacity.

Singletary spent three years here and compiled an 18-22 record, failing to make the playoffs in any season and is now the linebackers coach in Minnesota. The 49ers are playing in the second round of the NFL playoffs today under first-year coach Jim Harbaugh for the first time since 2002.

"[Singletary] was wearing a large 49ers parka with the hood pulled over his head and he slipped in past stadium security," said one team official. "We just kind of let him be. Mike made it all the way to the sidelines and he even brought a headset with him. We're just letting him do his thing so not to cause a big scene, he's a good guy."

The coach also brought his own challenge flag, but it was quickly and quietly taken from him by quarterback Alex Smith while wide receiver Michael Crabtree distracted the former Bears legend. "I asked him about his linebacking days with the Bears and he just went off on a story and Alex crept up behind and grabbed the flag," said Crabtree. "We couldn't have him throwing that thing onto the field."

The team confirmed that the headset is not connected with the 49er coaches' network, but that Singletary picks up communication between truckers passing Candlestick Park on Highway 101 and US 280. "He's pretending to talk to coaches upstairs, but he only gets yelled at by tractor trailer drivers to 'pick another frequency, a&&hole,'" the official added.

Awesome Roy? New Eagles cornerback thoroughly confused hockey fan entire season

2012-01-14T12:29:00.001-05:00

Central New Jersey--Fred Swindon admits he's a huge hockey fan. And when it comes to hockey he acknowledges it's not right to like two teams, but he grew up, and currently lives, near the ambiguous dividing line that separates the New York and Philadelphia metropolitan areas in central New Jersey. He says this only to reinforce his love for hockey.

"I am more a Flyers fan, but I cheer for the Devil's pretty hard, too," said Swindon. "But overall I'm just a huge hockey fan. I mean, huge."

The work-from-home computer programmer subscribes to the hockey package on cable, receives over twenty publications dedicated solely to the frozen game and takes photos of NHL arenas around the country during the puck-less summer months. Additionally, he writes a blog for the AHL (ZamboniandTinasWedding.net/ahl/-~&~?//) and follows more than five thousand hockey related accounts on Twitter.

The six pool sticks in his basement billiards room were made from old hockey sticks. One carefully preserved and lacquered cue still has a hockey blade at the thicker end, he claims it was Steve Yzerman's, the longtime former captain of the Detroit Red Wings. The balls on the felt table he says are made from the teeth of hockey players around the world that he purchased on EBay.

So, when it comes to watching football the Jersey-based hockey fan is not up to speed with all the offseason transactions and happenings of the game. He says he turns the game on Sundays to have something in the background.

Missing the first few Eagles games of the season, the "extremely casual NFL fan" tuned in for an early October matchup between the Eagles and the Redskins. A pass by the Washington quarterback Rex Grossman was broken up nicely by an Eagles cornerback in the first quarter.

"Asomugha with the stop!" shouted the announcer on television.

"When I first heard it I just thought it was a mistake. Then, the announcers said it a few more times during the remainder of the game. I was dumbfounded, literally. I couldn't believe they were paying tribute to the great Patrick Roy during a football game. 'Awesome Roy' this and 'awesome Roy' that. It was great," said a smiling Swindon. "He was a great player and deserves the recognition even during a football game."

Swindon was completely unaware that the Eagles had made a major signing in the lockout-shortened offseaon when they added coveted Raiders' free agent cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha. Asomugha is pronounced ah-sem-wah. Said with some quickness and rhythm and it can sound a lot like awesome-wah (or, if you'r a crazy hockey fan). Incidentally, the French pronunciation of Roy is wah.

The die-hard hockey fan that he is automatically set his mind to hear awesome Roy. Patrick Roy is a Hall of Fame goalie that played for the Montreal Canadians from 1985-95 and for the Colorado Avalanche from 1995-2003. He won four Stanley Cups, two with each team, and captured the Venzina Trophy as the league's best netminder three times.

"It didn't make any sense, but when one is so focused on hockey ... it made perfect sense. I am blinded by hockey sometimes, or deafened, in this case."

Swindon didn't realize his mistake until the end of the season when he made a post on his blog thanking the Eagles and the network announcing team for honoring Patrick Roy throughout the season. Immediately the comments came pouring in and there was lots of embarrassment.

"Lot's of egg. A big 'ol chunk of scrambled egg. What can I say, I'm not that into football."

Tebow offended by Gatorade celebrations, says they 'make a mockery of the sacred institute of baptism'

2012-01-11T09:30:00.001-05:00

Santorum attack ad in New Hampshire blaming Romney for collapse of Old Man of the Mountain proves too little, too late

2012-01-10T18:00:00.002-05:00

Concord, N.H.--The smear factor on the road to the GOP presidential nomination just reached a new level in the Granite State. An attack ad by the Santorum camp on Mit Romney is being described as "beyond low" by political analysts across the country.

In the ad, a voice, which appears to be Santorum's, vaguely accuses Romney of destroying the Old Man of the Mountain, the iconic rock formation (shown on the state quarter series) that when viewed from the side appeared to be a withered, leathery man's face. The formation was located in the famous, rugged White Mountains.

Sadly, the Old Man of the Mountain came tumbling down the cliff face on an early May day in 2003 at the hand of Mother Nature, an emotionally difficult day for the residents of the New England state.

Santorum did his homework.

The advertisement, showing Photoshopped pictures of a hiking Romney, declared: "Can we trust a man who may or may not have had a hand in taking down one of New Hampshire's most treasured natural wonders? That's right, the crumbling of the Old Man of the Mountain may not have been by force of nature. Romney says he never hiked near the White Mountains, but I say show us proof. I say where were you on May 3, 2003? I say ... do you like to hike Mr. Romney? Mr. Romney, do you like to hike? [A different, more cheerful voice] This ad was approved by Rick Santorum."

Despite the ads, Romney prevailed in the New Hampshire primary and the candidates now prepare for South Carolina. "We're currently shooting an ad that focuses on Romney and the Gamecock, but I can't get into details," said one GOP contender.

Burger King debuts BK Kids Meal War Horse backpack

2012-01-05T13:28:00.008-05:00

Miami, FL--For the first time ever a fast food chain restaurant has partnered with a PG-13-rated Hollywood film for the purposes of marketing and selling merchandise with kids meals. The popular Steven Spielberg-directed War Horse has joined with Burger King to launch a series of children's products including an oversized school horse backpack (pictured above). "We realize this is a gamble because the movie is rated PG-13 and this seemingly reduces a large chunk of our kids meal intended audience," said Beverly Morton, Burger King's director of North American sales. "That being said, huge numbers of under 13's are seeing the film--including my 8-year-old--and requesting the backpack at our restaurants. In addition, adults are purchasing kids meals solely for the purpose of receiving a War Horse backpack." Burger King claims in TV ads that each backpack contains one strand of hair from the real horse of the movie.

Reid blaming disappointing season on league's rejection of 32-week, 16-game season plan

2012-01-04T09:30:00.000-05:00

South Philadelphia--Andy Reid will be back for the 2012 campaign, really. It may not surprise most, but there was speculation that his tenure in Philadelphia was coming to an end after his 13th season as head coach of the Eagles. Struggling to an 8-8 record (4-8 before a strong finish), the deeply talented team that was suppose to make a run to the Super Bowl--at the minimum a playoff appearance--is dusting off golf spikes or skies or something.

Clock management continues to be a weak point for Reid, frequently using timeouts simply to retrieve the challenge flag or re-laminate his play chart. Senseless penalties and the abject refusal to run the football with any consistency has doomed many games even before the coin toss.

There is, however, one statistic that cannot be overlooked by critics: 13-0. Reid's record in games following the bye week. Thirteen years and 13 wins in 13 attempts after the coach has a week off, an extra seven days to study the often less-prepared opponent.

"Reid is dominant in games where he has two weeks to get ready," said Adam Zilinger, popular sports columnist for the Chester County Times Daily. "Andy knows this and is the reason he approached the league with a plan in the offseason."

Reid traveled to New York on Amtrak's Keystone service on the cold morning of February 28, 2011, nearly two weeks before the lockout began. The coach carried a massive three-ring binder at his side, actually the brick of papers had its own seat in business class. Reid made the journey as the only representative of the Eagles, in fact, no one from the franchise was aware the California native was meeting with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in the league's Manhattan offices.

Inside the binder (which freakishly resembled a trapper keeper) was a plan. A three-holed, desperate plea, perhaps, by a coach who understood perfectly the value of a bye week. Handwritten on each page was a detailed outline for the league to adopt a 32-week, 16-game season. Currently, the NFL season spans 17 weeks with 16 games. The math is simple: each team gets one week off during the season.

"Reid's radical plan was to have the season open in September and end in April, with playoffs in May, every other week being a bye week. He did all the research before stepping from the platform at 30th Street Station, over the gap and into the Amtrak car," said Mike Rulligan, the CSPM reporter that broke the story. "He was ready."

The coach had laminated, like his play charts, each and every page of the plan for effect. He hired Cooper-Sinclair, the large sports scheduling consulting group, to crunch numbers for extending the season by four months. According to the plan, the league could double revenue and attract a wider audience.

According to sources, Goodell seriously considered the plan and kept the "trapper keeper thing" to look over for several weeks. "Goodell had his team of advisers break down the plan. They returned good numbers, but they weren't good enough. The regular season would have to end by mid-February for it to work," said Rulligan. "So, much to the frustration of Reid, the single bye week format remained in place."

"We need more bye weeks in this league," Reid said at today's news conference at the NovaCare Complex, the final one of the season. "It's as simple as that. Bye weeks can help me put my players in a better position to win a game."

Year in Review: Stamos, Galifianakis attempt to solve Greece's financial woes during drunken party conversation

2011-12-30T10:00:00.001-05:00

Hollywood, CA--Comedian Zach Galifianakis and actor John Stamos talked for more than three hours at a party of a mutual friend in the Hollywood hills earlier this year about the economic crisis in Greece. The two were visibly intoxicated but fairly confident they solved the major financial issues plaguing the European country. "They talked for hours and were wildly animated at some points, but shook hands afterwards and really looked like they had gotten to the bottom of the problem for Greece. They even looked like they had come up with a solid plan for the country moving forward," said one anonymous partygoer.

Year in Review: bin Laden had stockpile of American snacks under compound

2011-12-30T09:00:00.000-05:00

Washington, DC--The Navy SEALs that took down Osama bin Laden earlier this year claimed that the 54-year-old leader of al Qaeda was not armed when they swarmed the terrorist's compound with high tech military gadgets. This is true to a certain extent. Bin Laden may not have been armed with assault rifles, grenades or hand guns, but he was packing a different kind of killer ... a silent killer.

For a man that displayed a clear disdain for anything that represented the West, he had one unshakable habit that was clearly very American--almost too American.

"Bin Laden was addicted to American snack foods," said CIA agent Francis Cooke, a 30-year veteran of the agency. "We didn't learn this until [the day after the raid]. That's a serious breakdown in intelligence on our part. How did we not know that this guy was washing down Three Musketeer bars with Dr Pepper?"

Until May, it was common knowledge that the only western tradition that bin Laden cared for was soccer and the the World Cup. He was a huge European football fan and, based on photographs recovered from the compound (and a vuvuzela in the corner of his bedroom), attended several games in South Africa last summer. But his other passion--only known by a handful of his most trusted messengers--was Cool Ranch Doritos and all its salty, addicting relatives.

"Oh, once he popped he couldn't be stopped," said the manager of the only 7-eleven in Abbottabad, Pakistan, the town outside of Islamabad where bin Laden was discovered. "He only came in once, but he bought most of my inventory--every last can of Pringles, Cheetos, Bugles, Ritz Bits, everything. I'm assuming he had couriers come in during the other times. He was much taller than I thought he would be."

Below the compound was a tunnel leading to a safe house/underground bomb shelter with snack supplies to last roughly ten years. Bag after bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos, Pringles, Twinkies, Butterscotch Krimpets, Ruffles (ridged and plain), Devil Dogs, Cracklin' Oat Bran, cheddar popcorn and barbecue corn chips, to name a few.

"I think if we had known this disgusting little habit that he had going on we would have been onto him a long time ago," said Becky Sawchuk, a high-level CIA official. "When we found him he had orange fingers, but there was no bag in sight. Tests confirmed that he was chowing down on cheese curls just before our boys arrived."

The CIA confirmed that had bin Laden kept up these deplorable eating habits, the snacks themselves would have taken the terrorist out of commission within five years. "That is, had the SEALS not found him first" said Sawchuk.

NHL Winter Classic: Players, coaches to sit in dugout during game; line changes to be very complicated

2011-12-29T22:34:00.006-05:00

Philadelphia--Despite the baseball dugouts being more than 30 yards from the rink at Citizens Bank Park, the Rangers' and Flyers' players and coaches have all agreed to sit in the below-field level benches during the NHL Winter Classic on Monday. "The dugouts are far from the action but we wanted to honor the game of baseball during this great outdoor game," said Henrik Lundqvist, the Rangers' Swedish-born goaltender, who became overly embarrassed when he was informed that there was no such thing as a 'walk-off first down' in baseball (or any sport for that matter). Coaches will have to overextend their voice boxes (larynges) in order to communicate effectively with the athletes on the ice. Meanwhile, players making line changes will need to run or briskly walk more than 30 yards to the rink gate from the dugout on a rubber mat for each substitution. "It'll be exhausting, but I've aways wanted to visit the Phillies dugout," said James van Riemsdyk, Flyers' left winger from Middleton, NJ. "They should make a little ice path from the dugouts to the rink ... but I know they won't." The NHL may permit the two clubs to each use a golf cart to shuttle players back and forth from the dugout to the ice.

Year in Reveiw: Photo album confiscated at bin Laden compound reveals a very busy ten years

2011-12-27T09:00:00.000-05:00

Above: Bin Laden, posing as an ice cream vendor, visited West Point, NY in 2004 where he made plans to build a concealed compound--identical to his Afghanistan compound--on the grounds of the United States Military Academy. His plan fell through, but bin Laden "thoroughly enjoyed [his] four days in this lovely little town that overlooks the Hudson River."

Above: Bin Laden attended the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. He wrote: "I attracted a lot of attention in the stadiums in Johannesburg and other cities. Lots of fans asked to pose with me saying that I looked like bin Laden. Lots of good football. Some hotty Dutch fans distracted me from cheering for North Korea."

Above: Winter in Niagara Falls, January 23, 2006. Bin Laden wrote on the back of the photo: "I had no idea that the Maid of the Mist didn't operate in the winter. What a disappointment. I was sad in the photo. But, the ice that forms from the mist on the railings made me the opposite of sad."

Risky Phanatic appearance at Kim Jong-il viewing a huge hit

2011-12-22T09:30:00.003-05:00

Above: The Phillie Phanatic makes a surprise appearance at the funeral of Kim Jong-il in Pyongyang, North Korea on Monday. The lovable green mascot greeted Kim Jong-un, the successor and son of Kim Jong-il, with his signature smooch and shirt over-the-head move. The new leader, and countless army generals watching, could only laugh at the Phanatic's antics. North Korea has been mourning the loss of their longtime ruler and so an anonymous member of Jong-il's staff felt the "fury green guy" could turn frowns upside down. Even the new leader was touched. "I was feeling really sad because my daddy had just passed away, and all the sudden this green guy, the great Phanatic, comes out of nowhere and gives me a big hug and kiss. A hug and kiss I so desperately needed," said Jong-un through and interpreter. "He didn't have to pull his shirt over my head because it messed up my hair. But, his heart was in the right place and it's one of his more popular moves."

Notes: The Phanatic's hot dog gun launcher was confiscated at the airport in Pyongyang and U.S. officials are mildly concerned that the technology could be copied and used for military purposes.

Year in Review: City tells Occupy 'there's a really cool park just down the street, honestly. Grab your gear and follow us, c'mon. It'll be great'

2011-12-21T09:30:00.001-05:00

... where is that other park? It can't be much further. Oh, I remember, just a few more blocks. I am really turned around here. Let me just double check this map. This is really embarrassing. Do we have everybody? You know what, it might be back the other way. Oh, here it is ... cuff 'em boys.

Academy announces they will recognize North Korean people at upcoming Oscar ceremony

2011-12-20T15:48:00.008-05:00

Los Angeles--Hollywood took notice of the acting taking place in Pyongyang yesterday and today after news of the death of Kim Jong-il, the country's longtime ruler, spread across North Korea. The Oscars would like to honor the citizens of the communist ruled country at their annual ceremony in February. "Obviously, we can't have any of [the North Korean residents] actually attend the awards, but we'll come up with a great little compilation of their classic 'mourning' scenes for our worldwide audience. Their acting needs to be recognized," said Gifford Benjamin, president of the Academy of Motion Pictures. "Like, the uncontrolled sobbing, how did they do that at such a high level? Crazy!"

Nation's cheese supply likely to be interrupted this week

2011-12-18T16:09:00.006-05:00

Kansas City, MO--The Packers lost their first game of the season today to the struggling Chiefs in cold Arrowhead Stadium. The dream of an undefeated season for the Pack--a forgone conclusion to almost every cheesehead throughout Wisconsin and the upper Midwest--is done. Why should a person eating a cheeseburger in, say, Flagstaff, AZ care about what transpired in Missouri today? Wisconsin produces over 70 percent of the nation's cheese; a place where dairy cows outnumber people 32 to one and 2.98 workers out of three are connected to the industry in some fashion. With today's heart-wrenching Packer loss there could be an interruption in production. "There's no way I'm making cheese this week," said Robert Tennen a die-hard Green Bay fan and Appleton, WI resident eating a small piece of cheese. "I can't even think about cheese today." Other fans/cheese workers echoed Tennen's feelings. "'Cheese!? You want me to wake up at 5 a.m. tomorrow, drive 25 minutes to the factory and make cheese? You got some nerve,'" said Gail Trudeau of WiscoCheese, jokingly rehearsing what she would say to her supervisor. "But seriously, I'm not making cheese tomorrow."

Year in Review: Red Cross becomes cross after 'favorite leather chair' picture posted to Tsunami missing persons board

2011-12-16T09:30:00.000-05:00

Pearl Harbor survivor says Affleck performance in movie 'much more terrifying than that dreadful day'

2011-12-08T09:30:00.000-05:00

Junior high student makes great point, stumps teacher: 'If Hawaii didn't become a state unitl 1959, how were they attacked in 1941?'

2011-12-07T23:47:00.009-05:00

Financial crisis: City to close all outdoor pools over the winter months

2011-12-04T20:51:00.005-05:00

Philadelphia--In an effort to cut costs that will save the city millions of dollars, City Council voted unanimously on Friday to close all outdoor pools over the winter months for the first time in 30 years. "We can't afford to spend absurd amounts of taxpayer money to keep outdoor pools open during months of frigid temperatures and ice and snow," said Mayor Michael Nutter. "The pools were never used ... by anyone from December to March. It was silly to keep them open in the first place. Times have changed, we can no longer spend frivolously in an uncertain economic climate."

Report: Number of babies named Pippa hasn't changed

2011-12-04T17:39:00.001-05:00

California's latest landslide wins November 2011 Best Landslide by a landslide

2011-11-30T09:30:00.002-05:00

Los Angeles--The votes are in: Landslide Magazine's November award winner for Best Landslide is California's latest landslide, which occurred in San Pedro last weekend. "Usually the voting is close," said the magazine's senior editor Jeff Galbright. "It's been a while since I was able to truly say that the contest winner won by a landslide. But, the second-place finisher received 43 fewer votes. That's a landslide for us!" Galbright reiterated that the contest included landslides that occurred in the continental United States from October 25 through November 25. "Including Alaskan and Hawaiian landslides would be unfair."

Reid not deterred by latest loss: Coach will continue to harass local Applebee's manager with 'great' Scrapplebee's idea

2011-11-28T09:30:00.002-05:00

New 1-900 number allows concerned fans to get latest info on NBA lockout

2011-11-23T09:15:00.001-05:00

Dessert-minded Occupy faction breaks away to form Occu-pie

2011-11-20T16:41:00.000-05:00

Philadelphia--Wayne O'Brien took two big whiffs of the freshly-baked apple pie resting in his chafed, raw hands. Then, slowly looking skyward, and with a sharp yell, declared, "Occu-pie has now officially begun." The twelve or so people circled around O'Brien began clapping and hooting loudly in support of the announcement. The Ambler, PA native and Philadelphia Culinary School graduate is the leader of a splinter group formed out of the Occupy Philadelphia movement. "We cannot agree with our brothers and sisters concerning the importance of desserts, especially pie, to our nation. It was a difficult choice, but one that had to be made. We are the one percent of the two percent of the 99 percent who realize that pie is what makes the world go 'round. Somehow, pie can create jobs. It has to, it's so good and delicious. We're a small group but a damn strong small group. Stop cutting pie making funding ... if there is such a thing." The city has granted Occu-pie, who plans to leave Dilworth Plaza by Tuesday, a permit to set up inside of the La Columbe cafe across the street.

Scrap yard owner on why he never questioned patron who regularly brought in manhole covers, street signs for cash: 'He said they were his'

2011-11-17T09:15:00.001-05:00

Reid putting positive spin on Vick's latest injury: 'It reminded me of the sandwich in my bottom right desk drawer'

2011-11-15T20:50:00.012-05:00

The mobile quarterback broke two ribs versus Cardinals

Eagles head coach Andy Reid told a room full of reporters at Monday's weekly day-after-game news conference that his quarterback's broken rib injury is not all bad. "Yesterday, soon after the game ended, a trainer came into my office and told me that Michael [Vick] had sustained two broken ribs during the second half," explained Reid, in his signature raspy voice, a trace of dried red sauce on either corner of his mouth. "I started to get up from my chair to go check on Michael when I just stopped and smiled. I told the trainer that I would be along in a minute and to go along without me. I said to myself, 'ribs? Think, Andy! Compose yourself.' Then it just all the sudden clicked. 'Andy, you beautiful, glorious genius; there's a McRIB sandwich in my desk. The bottom right drawer if my memory serves me correctly.' And there it was, as was there one in the top left drawer as well. From two broken ribs came two intact McRIBs."

McNamara on surfing 90-foot wave: 'Testicles still up inside body somewhere'

2011-11-14T13:06:00.001-05:00

U.S. Coast Guard officially changes old nautical saying: 'Red sky at night, sailor's just might'

2011-11-11T23:40:00.005-05:00

The popular sailor's adage, "Red sky at night, sailor's delight," has officially been changed by the United States Coast Guard to, "Red sky at night, sailor's just might." There was no explanation given for the modification other than, "it was time for a change." The monthly publication Coast Guard Digest announced the news with a 4-page article in the November issue. One unnamed sailor offered this take: "It's definitely more 2011. Without a doubt it makes me more pumped to see a red sky. Before I was just delighted, now I just might fully commit to my fellow crew members to sail the next day." The second half of the saying, "Red sky in morning, sailor's warning," is now, "Red sky in morning, sailor's must get a hold of the latest weather report before leaving the docks."

Rooney's death eliminates long wait for the thousands on nation's eyebrow transplant list

2011-11-06T17:51:00.000-05:00

Netflix CEO cancels subscription to Netflix

2011-11-02T19:46:00.001-04:00

Los Gatos, CA--Reed Hastings, CEO of movie streaming and dvd-through-mail provider Netflix, after endless wavering, has finally decided to cancel his longtime subscription to Netflix after the company altered popular plans and raised prices. The company has lost over 800,000 subscribers since the policy change in September. "Back when I received word that prices were rising and plans were changing I put my account on hold to really put some thought into whether I wanted to remain a subscriber or not," Hastings told the San Jose Times Sentinel. "I am extremely bitter over the rise in price and have decided to end my consumer affiliation with Netflix." The CEO expressed regret that he was losing yet another customer, but said he may try to lure himself back by lowering prices in the near future. "If I decide to offer the old plan options I may return as a customer. Probably not though, I'm really upset with myself for raising prices."

Popular haunted house making 'serious money' from diaper vending machine positioned at entrance

2011-10-28T09:30:00.000-04:00

Terror Behind the Walls literally cashing in from scaring the crap out of people

Netflix CEO on losing 800,000 subscribers since price hike: 'It's probably more like 900,000'

2011-10-28T08:00:00.000-04:00

Game 6 postponed: Rain forces MLB to schedule first-ever World Series day-night doubleheader

2011-10-26T22:48:00.006-04:00

Report: FOX begged Nowitzki to throw first 4 innings for Rangers

2011-10-24T21:00:00.004-04:00

Network offered basketball star appearance on Bones

Above: Dallas Mavericks star Dirk Nowitzki throws the ceremonial first pitch before game three of the 2011 World Series in Arlington, TX to a sustained standing ovation. Before the 7-foot NBA all-star came off the field, FOX Sports Network officials quickly approached Nowitzki. There have been reports that the conversation centered around a large cash offer if the power forward returned to the mound and pitched at least four innings for the Rangers. "It wouldn't surprise me," said one anonymous reporter about the alleged deal to have Nowitzki pitch. "FOX is desperate to boost the ratings for this year's Series. Some witnesses said one FOX exec was on his knees begging Dirk to play. They apparently offered a guest appearance on Bones." The deal breaker was Nowitzi's demand for a minor role in the series House.

Libyan rebels confirm they have finally gained control over Gaddafi's Facebook page

2011-10-23T09:00:00.001-04:00

Angry mob having "loads of fun" updating the deceased dictator's profile

Braves feeling less pressure to change name now that Thrashers are gone

2011-10-18T08:58:00.001-04:00

Atlanta, GA--The NHL season is finally underway and there is no team more thankful than the Atlanta Braves. Huh? Say what? Before the Thrashers decided to flee to Canada this past summer, three of the four professional sports franchises in the Peach State's largest city shared something in common. No, not their futility. The Thrashers, sadly, share that in common with themselves.

Birds.

What about birds? Well, three of the four teams here were bird mascots: Falcons, Hawks and Thrashers. And, the community frequently and loudly voiced their desire to complete the grand slam of bird teams in one city. The hockey team is now north of the border in sunny Winnipeg, which takes a lot of pressure off the Braves to become a feather-coated mascot.

For years, MLB's Braves and Indians, the NFL's Redskins and countless collegiate mascots have been put under, in some instances, enormous pressure to change the names of their teams out of respect for Native Americans. The Braves front office recently admitted that "they never much cared" about Native American concerns, but often lost sleep over the mounting pressure to become, perhaps, the Atlanta Emus, Atlanta Robins or, even worse, the Atlanta Swallows.

"The franchise has been the Braves since 1912 and that's a long time if you really stop and think about it and subtract 1912 from 2011," said Dennis Bilash, a former infielder and current Braves ticket salesman. "Now that the Thrashers are gone, we don't have to change our name. I think we were about to become the Atlanta Barn Swallows had the Thrashers stuck around. I don't know ... maybe it would have been cool to have four bird teams."

Rival Mummer clubs unite after prostitution scandal, promise to quintuple alcohol intake on New Year's Day as a gift to parade revelers

2011-10-14T09:00:00.000-04:00

Philadelphia--Rival Mummers clubs have come together after the recent prostitution scandal by well-known club the Downtowners to assure their fans that the "reckless and irresponsible debauchery" on 2 Street was an isolated incident. Many Mummers quietly admitted that they hope the scandal increases attendance at the annual New Year's Day parade up Broad Street, but, in an effort to guarantee bigger crowds, promise to increase their beer intake fivefold as a gift to the public. The clubs, as a sign of solidarity, also promise not to substitute 'hookers' for 'slippers' in the popular Mummer song 'Oh, Dem Golden Slippers.'

Phillies say disappointing playoff run 'has totally dampened' trip to Fiji

2011-10-14T08:58:00.001-04:00

Fiji--The team, visiting this paradise island in the Pacific for three weeks, says the early playoff exit has made the tropical drinks here less fruity, the sun less bright, the snorkeling excursions less snorkely, the water skiiing less watery, the wet t-shirt contest judging less wet, the parasailing less dangerous, the late-night karaoke less funny and the horseback riding less clippity clop-ish. "Paradise just isn't quite paradise when you exit the playoffs in the wild-card round," said one Phillie. "But, I got a tee time in five so I gotta run."

Flyers' Jaromír Jágr has message for suffering Phillies and Eagles fans: Ukončete výstup a nástup, dveře se zavírají!

2011-10-10T23:20:00.003-04:00

Cardinals seriously mulling Quints' offer to find, catch and kill stadium squirrel

2011-10-06T19:36:00.009-04:00

St. Louis--He appeared out of nowhere, startling the Cardinals distraught front office members who had gathered late-night in an empty Busch Stadium conference room to rectify an embarrassing situation. A squirrel (yes, a squirrel) has been disrupting MLB playoff games in this city of 320,000 and the team desperately seeks to put an end to the furry critter's reign of the chalk-outlined diamond. The he is Quint, a famous shark hunter that feels he can transfer his aquatic tracking skill set to the grass and dirt of a baseball field. The team is seriously considering the shifty local's offer. "He wants $3,000 just to find him and $10,000 to catch him and kill him," said Cardinals general manager John Mozeliak. "I don't know, he's a strange guy. He's always hanging around the docks on the Mississippi River." Quint feels it's a fair price: "Good chum doesn't pay for itself, chief."

Old-timey photograph proves St. Louis Arch was designed, constructed by humans ... for some reason

2011-10-04T22:28:00.003-04:00

Vick to wear mini Beebe helmet on injured right hand

2011-09-27T16:30:00.000-04:00

Philadelphia--In an effort to protect his injured right hand, Eagles quarterback Michael Vick will wear a miniature Don Beebe helmet during this week's home game against the San Francisco 49ers. Vick nearly broke his hand in Sunday's game against the New York Giants at Lincoln Financial Field. The helmet was custom made by Don Beebe's Helmets for Tots, Inc. for Vick and will allow the Virgina native to grip a football (for snaps from center) through carefully positioned holes in the crown of the protective device. "It feels so good that I may wear a Don Beebe helmet on both of my hands," said a grinning Vick at a NovaCare news conference earlier today. "The grip-ability is awesome."

Will the single shell coxswain soon be joining the dinosaurs?

2011-09-24T09:00:00.000-04:00

The shouts from the middle of the slow moving river glide over the water startling the Canada geese fertilizing the lush parkland that lines the iconic waterway. "Stroke. Push right. Left side, give a rest. What'ya say now right side?"

The coxswain is often described as the steering wheel of competitive rowing. Since the late 1800's this usually small, frail-looking outsider (often shunned by most of society) sits at the back of the narrow shell and valiantly attempts to get the individual rowers to work as a single unit.

"My job is to make many ... become one," said John Sedinski, a 4'11", 87-pound coxswain from Andover, MA, eating the second half of an Uncle Ben's rice cake he had saved from a lunch earlier in the week. "I steer, I guide, I yell ... I do everything but row."

The coxswain has climbed aboard every quad, double, single and eight scull race since 1871. Yes, that's correct, a coxswain also sits aboard a single-rower scull.

Sadly, and somewhat surprisingly, the United States Rowing Administration (USRA) has proposed eliminating the coxswain from single shells in an effort to save money, make the event faster, and, they emphatically claim, to "lighten the load of totally unneeded baggage."

"If their job is to make a team into one cohesive unit, then why are coxswains needed for single rowers? It seems unnecessary and ludicrous. I realize this is a difficult economy and we would be reducing the number of coxswain jobs significantly but this is the right move," said Diane Chalmers, a USRA official.

The news hit many rowing communities across the country very hard. Philadelphia relies on the rowing industry to provide thousands of jobs and the city is home to 70 percent of the sports coxswains.

"What am I supposed to do?" yelled Harry Clinton, 41, a professional coxswain based in Philadelphia. "All I know are single sculls. That's my life. My coxswain career probably has five good years remaining and that's too short of a time to learn double or eight rower sculls. What the hell am I supposed to do? What in God's name will I do with my life?"

"I'm a single rower and I would be lost without a coxswain," said Barbara Martinelli of South Philadelphia. "I can't seem to get in sync or steer the shell without one. Plus, we always have great conversations and they offer great advice ... about any aspect of life."

"It is a sad day but I will be joining the rally on Kelly Drive," said Burt Thomas, a longtime single rower on the Schuylkill River. "Hopefully we can influence the USRA's decision."

Thomas is referring to Saturday's Coxswain Rally near Boat House Row on Kelly Drive. If hundreds of rowing jobs are to be saved, this gathering may be the determining factor.

"I'm asking everyone to come out and support the cause. Together we can do this. Let's go! Also, there will be free t-shirts and hot dogs. We're working on free drinks as we speak."

Report: More than half of Brewers players dabble unsuccessfully in home brewing

2011-09-23T15:45:00.000-04:00

St. Louis--Ryan Braun turned red with embarrassment when a local St Louis reporter asked the All-star outfielder if he brewed his own beer. The Mission Hills, CA native was unmistakeably caught off guard, hesitated a bit before finally confirming that, yes, he did brew beer in his suburban Milwaukee home. "I do brew but it's really a shoddy set up that I got going on. I play for the Brewers and I am completely ashamed of my brewing apparatus (pictured above). I use an old Igloo cooler for the fermentation process. Hey, the important part is that I have a blast doing it," said Braun. A recent report by Saint Louis University (another big brewing city) showed that nearly 56% of Brewers players are involved in home brewing in some capacity. "It's fascinating," said Dr Carol Von Hahn, head of the sociology department at this university in the Gateway to the West. "Brewers players are, in real life, brewers. They make beer. Albert Pujols can't be a Cardinal in real life and fly all around the country, but the Brewers are actually brewers. I was floored. I mean, I got teary-eyed. Foget the fact that most were horrible at it." The study was made possible by a generous grant from Professional Athletes That Home Brew (PATHB).

Small Pennsylvania town convinced that lone British resident is voice behind Geico's Gecko

2011-09-16T20:48:00.008-04:00

Lumberton City, PA--Residents of this sleepy, tucked-away town in, ironically, Pennsylvania coal country have been buzzing over a new arrival for the past several months. Lloyd Howerton, 47, and his family of four relocated to this Allegheny Mountain village from Cherry Hill, NJ for the civil engineer's rapidly advancing career.

The community has warmly welcomed the family with visits, handcrafted pies and social invitations; however, there are quite a few suspicious souls that make their home here.

The majority of the town (yes, a poll was administered by the mayor) is unconvinced that Howerton is a civil engineer. In fact, they strongly believe that the Crowton, England native is the voice behind the gecko of the Geico Insurance television ads.

"The other day I intentionally bumped into him on the street while I was holding a toasted muffin with butter and jam. I tried to get him to say what it was I was holding so I could compare the accent to the tv commercial," said Don Wilson, 71, a retired coal miner. "When I asked, 'Look at what I'm holding, what do they call this in your country?" he just laughed off the question. It was an uncomfortable kind of laugh. Something's not right."

"He claims he's an engineer or something," said Debra Chambers, 59, of Hoit Street. "I mean, I feel like the accent is a perfect match. I know he's the voice, but I don't want to just come right out and accuse him of it. Ya know?"

"Oh, he's the voice," said Donna Billingsly of Cameron Street. "He's the voice. He's no civil whatchamacallit. He's the gecko guy. I can't say it any more plainer."

Concussed Utley recovering slowly, remembers being hit by pitch but has 'no recollection of hitting .262 this season'

2011-09-11T10:30:00.001-04:00

Chase Utley sat quietly behind a tabletop podium responding to queries from a small gathering of local press members seeking information on his playing status after suffering a concussion last week. ".262? Who's hitting .262 this season?" barked a usually soft-spoken Utley at a confused reporter who had asked the second baseman for thoughts on his struggles at the plate this season. "Yeah, I'm hitting .262, that's a good one. We got a prankster in the press room everybody." After being hit on the helmet by a pitch on Wednesday night against the Braves, the dazed player trotted down to third base--instead of first base--then asked third base coach Juan Samuel why he was coaching first base. "He was totally out of it," said Samuel, trying to hold back a smile. "I mean, my man's cranium was whacked. He even took a lead off of third toward second. We had a saying in the Dominican Repulic after a player suffered a concussion: your cerebellum ain't quite right."

Brewers would love to forget inaugural season when they were known as the Fermentationers

2011-09-10T19:48:00.007-04:00

Milwaukee, WI--Jake O'Neil, the original owner of the Brewers, can (sort of) laugh about it today when asked to reflect on the club's name during its inaugural season in 1970. "Brewers seemed too obvious and generic to me at the time," said O'Neil, 102, in between breaths assisted from a nearby oxygen tank. "I was looking to pay respect to Milwaukee's dependency on the beer industry when choosing a name. I guess I got a little too clever when I picked the Fermentationers. I smile now, but it's still a little embarrassing." That's correct, the Brewers were not always the Brewers. After the franchise failed miserably in Seattle for one season, the club moved to Wisconsin's largest city and became the Fermentationers. The public outcry was so enormous and filled with such vitriol that halfway through the year O'Neil vowed to change the name before the start of the 1971 season. "We settled on Brewers," he said. "I guess that's better than Hoppers, my second choice in 1970."

Philippine villagers pretty much feel they captured what was eating their elephants and water buffaloes

2011-09-06T09:00:00.002-04:00

Marlins generally discourage fans from counting before guessing the game's attendance on stadium JumboTron

2011-09-03T10:19:00.008-04:00

Team says 'that's cheating'

77 of 78 chemicals used in hydraulic fracturing also found in Twinkie cream filling

2011-09-01T09:00:00.000-04:00

Should MLB umpires have whistles?

2011-08-30T20:00:00.001-04:00

(This is the first part of a 32-part series on umpires using whistles in Major League Baseball)

Cincinnati--In 1893, on a lush green pitch in the English countryside, the whistle, the size of an obese child's fist, was first used to keep the peace during a soccer match between Bracknell and Crowhorn. Reports from that day's contest, over 100 years ago, describe how the athletes were "in shock and awe" of the ear-splitting sound that was, up until that day, used only by the London Police Department.

One newspaper summary of the day read: "Behavior yesterday day on the soggy pitch was the best I had ever seen up to that point. The whistle device turned the normally rough footballers into perfect English gentlemen. Honestly, they could have played the game at Wimbledon."

Before the whistle was a common sound at athletic events, referees would clap, or yelp loudly to signify the starting or stopping of play or when a foul had been committed.

A century later, the whistle, now the size of an obese child's fingernail, is a common sight at most sporting events, well, that is, except for the American pastime of baseball. Why did the whistle never takeoff in the diamond sport, and why, considering the game's commitment to tradition, is there a relentless push by umpires (old and young) to utilize the sound devices in the near future?

Actually, if the whistle were to become a fixture in the MLB (umps are shooting for 2012), it would be a return and not an entirely new concept for the league. The whistle made a brief appearance in 1901, lasting only 25 games at the beginning of the season before being eliminated by Commissioner Gelding Stevenson after receiving over 1000 death threats.

Now, the push is on to bring it back. "When I call a third strike I want to be able to blow a whistle to add that extra kick to my signature shout," said 21-year veteran umpire Jack Burrows. "NHL, NBA and NFL officials have them, why not us? I'll blow the &*^% out the whistle when I throw a whining manager out of the game. You can count on that."

"I think I would blow the whistle whether [players] were safe or out," said second base umpire Tim Bauer, a Huntingdon Valley, PA native. "If they were out, I'd do my normal fist pump, arm bent at 45 degrees, and really blow that whistle. I'd blow it when someone called timeout, as well."

It appears most players hold the belief that umpires would improve accuracy in calling plays or balls and strikes if they had whistles. "Let's face it," said Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals first baseman, "whistles should be a tool of the trade. I don't even think we would need instant replay if umps had whistles."

But could the whistle disrupt the flow of a game? Thirty umpires were asked if they would use the whistle to let the pitcher know he could throw a pitch ... every time. That would mean the whistles would be used, for pitching alone, over 100 times per nine innings. That's a lot of whistle!

Tomorrow: What are whistles made from?

Meteorologist claims hurricane eye winked at him, says 'it's not surprising'

2011-08-30T18:00:00.001-04:00

East Coast Earthquake: Independence Park officials say Liberty Bell is okay, but something is different and they're not sure what it is

2011-08-23T16:00:00.004-04:00

Above: the Liberty Bell minutes after the 5.9-magnitude, Virginia-centered earthquake that struck around 1:45 pm today. Below: A photograph taken earlier this week prior to the earthquake. National Park Service officials report that the Bell "is doing fine." However, the same officials reluctantly admitted there is something different about the historic treasure. "We've been analyzing the Bell now for over an hour," said Gregory Schmidt, a ranger at the park for the last 23 years, an hour and a half after the tremors had subsided, "and she looks real good, no noticeable damage. I think we really dodged a bullet with this quake, but something is off and I'm not sure what it is. I'll figure it out though, later today we'll run some x-ray testing, but I think it's okay. This Bell is my life."

Local weatherman says bow tie 'tingles' just before storm arrives

2011-08-20T12:26:00.007-04:00

Above: Glenn "Hurricane" Schwartz, a meteorologist with NBC10 Philadelphia, recently admitted that he relies heavily on his trademark bow tie (and not so much on expensive meteorological technology) when predicting the weather for the Delaware Valley. The powerful storms over the past week that inundated the region with rain, spider lightning and booming thunder were all foretold using his signature bow tie. "The bow tie tingles just before the storm arrives," said Schwartz, wearing a 'I-probably-shouldn't-be-admitting-this' kind of smirk. "This week was quite a week with all these crazy storms, I thought the tie had turned against me and was trying to strangle me or something. But, minutes later, another storm would roll in. I should have never doubted the bow tie." Unfortunately, the Philadelphia native also admitted that he wears nothing but the bow tie when going to bed for the night.

Prince Fielder taking advantage of newly added base between first and second

2011-08-17T09:00:00.000-04:00

Chicago--For years Major League Baseball has talked about adding a new base between first and second bases with the intention of the added bag to provide larger players a "resting area" to recoup when attempting to steal second or after hitting long singles. It would also allow these "stockier" players to take larger leads. "Players can take a lead off of first and make a break for base 1.3," said Harry Snick, MLB rule evaluator. Snick, and baseball in general, is calling the new base, positioned twelve feet from first, 1.3. "The base is great to have when caught in a rundown," added Snick. "Also, if tired, the runner can decide to run to 1.3 if the batter behind him walks or gets a single." Prince Fielder has used the new base to significantly add to his stolen base numbers, where runners are credited with 0.3 stolen bases when arriving safely at 1.3. "One-point-three has been good to me so far," Fielder said, after five games with the new base. "I'm well-rested, I'm a base-stealing threat and ... I just kind of like hanging out at 1.3. It's fun. It's like a little fort or something."

Kruk's message clear in Wall of Fame speech: Do not chew tobacco

2011-08-16T09:00:00.003-04:00

Above: Former Phillies' first baseman John Kruk, left, is congratulated by former Phils' catcher Darren "Dutch" Daulton at the conclusion of Kruk's Wall of Fame speech before a game against the Washington Nationals last Friday at Citizens Bank Park. Kruk thanked the crowd, called the fans the best in the world and then launched into a 35-minute diatribe warning "folks of all ages" against the dangers of chewing tobacco. Despite his admonitions, the team's special events crew discovered tobacco spit and pieces littering the podium (below) and adjacent area when the stage was methodically disassembled for the game that immediately followed the induction. The Krukker, after the ceremony officially wrapped, posed for pictures with current players and red-clad fanatics, including children sporting Kruk jerseys.

Hard rain rescues river junk collector's livelihood

2011-08-15T09:00:00.002-04:00

Philadelphia--Yesterday's nearly five inches of rain (some areas saw more than eight inches) came just in time for one area man's way of life. Kyle Donnelly is a river junk collector and relies on strong storms to wash debris from local streets, down storm drains and into the city's waterways. "The drought, this lack of rain, was killing my business. I can usually collect around 40 trinkets and over 30 knick knacks a day from the river's edge. I have a swimming pool skim pole. I've been collecting river junk from the river for 14 years," said Donnelly, standing along the banks of the Schuylkill River with a pair of binoculars around his neck while inspecting an empty, soggy box of Honey Nut Cheerios. "This is what I do. I spot things on the water and all sorts of stuff, fish them out, and sell them ... on ebay or something. It's quite lucrative. Yesterday's rain was glorious, simply glorious."

Proposed moat around Eastern State Penitentiary expected to cause severe traffic problems for Fairmount

2011-08-13T13:24:00.001-04:00

Fairmount, Philadelphia--At $55 million, Eastern State Penitentiary's moat project--also known as the Big House Big Dig--is, by far, the largest improvement project the nonprofit Eastern State Association (ESA) has undertaken since it began operating the site in 1989.

"Back in 2001, we had a pretty big bake sale to cover the $12,000 needed for sidewalk repairs out in front of the penitentiary. That was really our biggest thing," said Gail Robertson, assistant to the treasurer for the ESA. "The moat project is daunting but we'll get it done. There's really no doubt in my mind."

Many area residents, however, are trying desperately to place doubts in Robertson's mind.

The penitentiary was completed in 1829 and remained active until 1971. Built on an open hill (Fair Mount) north of the city center, the compact urban landscape to the south quickly engulfed the formidable structure by mid-century. The wheel-spoke design was the first of its kind in the world and allowed one guard to keep watch over multiple cell blocks simply by standing at the confluence of the long hallways.

Historic photographs and charcoal drawings clearly indicate that there was never a moat, not in the 1800's or 1900's, not even in the numerous designs presented before construction commenced. The new moat will encircle the entire site, be twenty-five feet deep and twenty feet wide. Water from the Schuylkill River will be used to fill the wide trench, which is expected to take three weeks with five, 120-horse power pumps and miles of 4-inch fire hoses.

Why a moat and why now? The organization wants the site to appear even more castle-like so to intercept more Europe-bound tourists (seeking Old World castles). The National Historic Landmark already draws huge crowds, but the moat plan hopes to push the site to Niagara Falls tourist numbers--in the gagillions.

"Listen, the Penitentiary's architecture is amazing, a thing of beauty," said Tucker Goldstein, one of the 13-member board of advisers for the organization. "But a moat would take this from a Mom and Pop shop to a Mom, Pop, Uncle and Great Uncle shop. It's the right move and the right time."

Shops along Fairmount Ave are bitterly opposed to the moat plan, from Gorbin's Apothecary to Baglioni's Italian Bistro to the CVS there are scant supporters. Residents have been crying out en masse.

"I really don't get why they need a moat," said Evelyn Brubaker, 56, a lifelong resident of Fairmount. "It was a prison not a castle. What purpose does a moat serve? If they were restoring a long ago filled-in moat, then that would be a different story."

"Sure it would look really neat to have a moat, but do we really want to lose all that free parking? Not me Jose," said Tim Glosters another resident of the neighborhood and owner of Cuddly Pet Ramps--a company that designs ramps for aging pets so they can access hard-to-reach cars and beds more easily.

Parking seems to be the issue that really has the community fighting this project. Where to store cars when they're not maneuvering through the tight streets has long been a problem in the City of Brotherly Glove Compartment. Too many cars, not enough space.

Some neighborhood residents, however, are convinced that the organization operating the museum is a cult whose members are preparing to move inside the walls permanently and use the moat to better defend themselves against government agencies looking to take them down.

"They're up to something and I don't know what," said one resident who only went by Dennis. "A moat!? Something stinks and it stinks real bad. They are planning something. Plus, moats in general can stink with all that stagnant water."

Teammates already growing tired of Hunter Pence constantly using phrase: 'Pennsylvania-sized'

2011-08-05T09:00:00.002-04:00

Philadelphia--Hunter Pence, the newest Phillie, a Texas native and a Houston Astro for nearly five seasons, is adjusting to life in the Northeast and his new teammates. Some of Pence's habits, however, are not going over well in the clubhouse, dugout and on the diamond. "Every time I turn around it's 'Did you see that home run? It was Pennsylvania-sized. Hot damn.' Or 'These Phillies fans make some Pennsylvania-sized noise when they cheer. Hoo ah.' We get it. You're from Texas and you played in Texas for some time where everything is Texas-sized. It's okay to still use that phrase, you don't have to substitute Pennsylvania for Texas. That makes it that much more annoying," said one Phillies player who wanted to remain anonymous.

Eagles continue signing rampage, now exploring top NHL, NBA free agents

2011-08-03T12:06:00.007-04:00

Philadelphia--Howie Roseman hasn't slept in over a week. Well, perhaps a few hours here and there, but the Eagles' hard-charging general manager has been on a mission to make the Birds into a viable Super Bowl contender this season. The 36-year-old has declared war on the NFL free agent market, shortened due to the lengthy lockout, flanking left, right and all over the place.

Obviously, the biggest addition the Eagles made was cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha. If that was the only signing by the club, the offseason still could have been declared a success. Asomugha was considered the top free agent available, and the Eagles came out of nowhere to land him. However, they didn't stop there, as Cullen Jenkins, Ronnie Brown, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and Jason Babin, to name a few, were also added via trades or signing.

So dominant has the team been in player acqusitions that they are beginning to explore free agents in other sports. The Eagles have contacted several NBA and NHL players within the past 48 hours.

"Brad Richards was signed by the New York Rangers in early July, so he's off the market, that's disappointing, but we are honing in on the longtime New Jersey Devil John Madden," Roseman said. "That would be a big addition."

The Eagles brass are behind Roseman's decision to branch out to other sporting leagues in an effort to really emphasize how serious the team is this season about winning ... and, winning big.

"Heck, at this point I just feel like we're on such a roll that we should keep shoveling coal into the engine," said head coach Andy Reid, who was shoveling some m&m's into his own engine. "We're currently in talks with the Orlando Magic for a trade involving Jason Richardson. And, who knows, we could turn around and package Jason to another NFL or NHL team. It really is like Thunderdome these days."

Owner Jeffrey Lurie added, "We've shown that we can dominate an NFL free agent signing period. That's great. Really, it is. But I want to think bigger. What will it say about our NFL franchise if we can bring home top NHL, NBA, MLB or, even, NASCAR free agents? I think it would make a statement. It would say, 'Hey everybody, look at us. We can sign top athletes that don't even play our sport.' I want to be aboard the crazy, crazy train that embarks on this mission."

Pirate fans from famous '60 World Series photo admit, nearly 51 years later, they thought it was a Steelers game

2011-08-01T08:30:00.000-04:00

Chase chases Chase: One Padre has long looked up to Phillies star second baseman

2011-07-28T09:00:00.001-04:00

Philadelphia--The San Diego Padres were in town this past weekend for a four-game series against the first place Phils. The Fightin's took three of four from the Fathers and extended their lead in the division in the process.

At 14.5 games out of the top spot the Padres are mostly playing the games because they are contractually obligated to do so. Given a choice between subjecting themselves to scorching Midwestern and Northeast record heat wave temperatures during recent road trips or heading for the links of SoCal, most on the club would not hesitate to arrange an early morning tee time.

One Padre, however, was thrilled to be in South Philly, a date he circles on his calender minutes after the upcoming season schedules are released--San Diego third baseman Chase Headley. No, Chase Headley is not a native Delaware Valley resident. No, he wasn't snubbed by the Phillies in a long ago draft. Chase Headley is a big fan of ... Chase Utley.

"I'd be in the minors and look to see that another Chase had made it to the big leagues and this was very inspiring to me," said Headley, a Colorado native and valedictorian of his high school graduating class. "Then, even more inspiring, was that his last name also ended in -ley. I mean, what were the chances. If Chase Utley could do it, well, by God, then Chase Headley could do it."

That's the entire connection, plain and simple. They're not friends or family or have ever met outside of the baseball diamond. Chase admired Chase because they share the same first name and have very similar sounding last names.

After the 2008 season a perfectly healthy Chase Headley had hip surgery simply because an ailing Chase Utley had hip surgery. In early 2010, Headley dropped the f-bomb (like Utley at the World Series victory celebration) at a San Diego charity event raising money for sick children where he was the keynote speaker. He told the young audience that someday soon "the Padres would be world f-ing champs. Count on it f-ers." The parents stared at the stage in disbelief, while the player quietly returned to his table and began to eat the rest of his semi-warm chicken cordon bleu.

At one point, the outfielder-turned-third baseman was adamant that he needed to play second base in order to succeed in the league. Several heated confrontations with coaches and managers were reported by the San Diego media but never confirmed.

Then, Headley soon began to copy Utley in other ways beyond what the Phils' second baseman did with regards to baseball. Family and friends became concerned, when, several years ago, Headley began to strongly encourage his girlfriend to volunteer with local animal shelters.

"Chase came to me out of the blue one day and wanted me to work at a dog shelter in San Diego," said Cheryl Hughs, Headley's wife. "That's great except for two things: I'm alergic to dogs and I don't particularly care for them. It's not that I dislike them."

Jen Utley, Chase's wife, is deeply involved in and passionate about protecting and finding homes for abused dogs in the Philadelphia region.

Headley also went from clubhouse clown to serious, low-key and somewhat reserved. "We didn't know what was going on until he began telling people that he went to UCLA and was from Long Beach, CA," said Headley's father from his home in Colorado. "We sat Chase Headley down and told him that he was not Chase Utley. You need to snap out of this funk, son. I'm not afraid to say that I slapped him with a batting glove."

Utley had this to say about the situation: "I think he's got a real cool first name. I want to see all Chase's do well."

Fine print: New NFL deal will bring best-of-three series format to Wild Card playoff round

2011-07-27T19:06:00.007-04:00

Players irate after owners cleverly include the extended playoff series format into labor agreement using .002 size font. Ads have already started airing.

Love triangle: PBA logo silhouette spotted at New York nightclub with WNBA logo silhouette

2011-07-21T09:00:00.000-04:00

Doctors unsure when high ankle sprain becomes low knee sprain

2011-07-19T23:00:00.001-04:00

High ankle sprain injuries have become inexplicably common in many sports (yes, even NASCAR) over the last few years. Known to doctors as highess ankless sprainess, the injury usually occurs high on the athlete's ankle. But, many patients and medical researchers are asking, when does a high ankle sprain become so high that it turns into a low knee sprain? "It's a fine line," said Dr Steven Jasperovich of Hahnemenn University Hospital in Philadelphia, who openly admitted to never pondering the question before three months ago. "To say exactly where a high ankle sprain becomes a low knee sprain is nearly impossible. It really depends on the person. I like to just guess." The term kneekle sprain and anknee sprain surfaced within the last year in an effort to better describe the injury, but the terminology has had difficulty catching on and going mainstream.

Pittsburgh Pirate runs onto field during All-Star game; somehow throws 14 pitches before being tackled by security

2011-07-13T10:00:00.002-04:00

Women's World Cup: FIFA credits strong defense, fewer goals for sharp rise in television ratings (not new uniforms)

2011-07-13T09:30:00.003-04:00

Home Run Derby champ wins right to choose who has home-ice advantage in next year's Stanley Cup Finals

2011-07-12T17:29:00.006-04:00

Above: Robinson Cano of the New York Yankees holds up the Stanley Cup after winning MLB's Home Run Derby at the All-Star festivities in Phoenix, AZ last night. Cano won a cash prize and the right to choose which NHL team will get home-ice advantage in the 2012 Stanley Cup Finals. "Right now I'm just enjoying this derby win," said Cano, sporting a big smile and hugging Lord Stanley's oversized silver trophy. "I haven't even thought about the Stanley Cup Finals. But, I won't lie, it's been a dream of mine to determine which NHL club will get to play four out of seven games in their home arena should the series go that far. It really is a dream come true." Cano will also get to take the Stanley Cup home for the remainder of the All-Star break. MLB commissioner Bud Selig wanted to add some meaning to the Home Run Derby and approached NHL commissioner Gary Bettman with the idea about two months ago. "Gary [Bettman] was very receptive to the concept of having some of our best power hitters determine the scheduling of his sport's showcase event ... and now we have a derby that actually has a tiny little bit of significance," said Selig.

Women's World Cup: FIFA officials investigating England's Diana Beckham for ... illegal shin guards

2011-07-12T09:00:00.002-04:00

Vance Worley's father: 'I've been calling him Vince for years. It's embarrassing, but I really thought it was Vince.'

2011-07-06T09:00:00.001-04:00

Miami Gardens, FL--Phillies pitcher Vance Worley took the mound on Monday night against the Marlins and held the struggling team to two hits and zero runs in seven innings of work. An impressive performance no matter what place in the standings the opposing team occupies.

The young pitcher, with a 2.20 era and a 4-1 record, is beginning to slowly make a name for himself in the Major Leagues and hopes to remain with the team for the duration of the season after being called up from Lehigh Valley. However, the Sacramento native apparently needs to work harder at making a name for himself with his own father.

"Vance? Who's Vance? It's Vince. Show some respect for my son," said Worley's father outside the Phillies locker room at Sun Life Stadium when asked if he was proud of his son's big league performance. "I'm extremely proud of VINCE, thank you for asking."

When shown a copy of Vance's birth certificate the father was overly embarrassed and abruptly excused himself from the small group of reporters loitering in the stadium hallway. Later, when Mr Worley asked his family--who all made the trip from northern California--why it took nearly 24 years to correct him, they all smiled and began the slow clap, fast clap in an effort to change the subject.

"My dad has been calling me Vince for a long long time," said the pitcher Worley. "He was just so darn proud of Vince that I didn't have the heart to tell him it was Vance."

Little league team overcomes five-run deficit, 3rd inning outfield plane crash to win championship

2011-06-30T09:30:00.005-04:00

Several Oakland A's hospitalized for heat exhaustion, dehydration after playing in suits to honor Connie Mack

2011-06-28T12:00:00.001-04:00

Above: Hideki Matsui dons a suit against the Phillies on Sunday. The suit was a way to honor legendary Philadelphia A's manager/owner Connie Mack. The entire Athletic team wore suits for the game.

South Philadelphia--The Oakland A's were in town this past weekend for a 3-game, Interleague series with the Phillies down at the ballpark. The team that left the City of Brotherly Love in 1954 for Kansas City, then onto Oakland in 1968, returned to the place where they captured nine of their fifteen pennants and five of their nine World Series titles. (Wow, the A's won four championships alone after leaving the city, while the Phillies have two titles in 129 years.)

Believe it or not there is still a Philadelphia Athletics fan club and a Philadelphia A's Historical Society. The 42-member historical society met the current A's team before Friday's game at Citizens Bank Park, getting autographs and giving history lessons to the surprisingly interested big league players.

"I cornered manager Bob Melvin and general manager Billy Beane," said Bill McDonnell, 87, the president of the A's historical society. "I told them all about Shibe Park and Connie Mack and Jimmie Foxx and the great games with the Phillies. And, I gave them an earful about Connie Mack's suits."

For many years, the famous manager/owner of the Philadelphia A's was Connie McGillicuddy (pictured at left), otherwise known as Connie Mack. He was an imposing yet gentle figure that warmly glared from the top of the dugout steps wearing, not a uniform, as was the norm in those times and today, but a suit. "Uniforms are for players," he once said in 1939. "I manage people and wear a suit. If I return to catching one day, then I'll wear a uniform."

Tom Landry, the legendary head coach of the NFL's Dallas Cowboys, was widely known for wearing suits on the sidelines instead of t-shirts or a star-clad parka. Most, however, don't realize that Mack played a huge part in Landry's wardrobe selection. "Connie Mack should be a model to us all. I manage people and wear a suit. If I return to playing one day, then I'll wear a uniform," said Landry in 1979. "Not a uniform but a Dallas baseball hat and Dallas windbreaker. Oh, you know what I mean."

Babe Ruth and the fearsome Yankees squared off numerous times against the Mack's A's. The suits had an effect on one of the game's greatest players. "I respected the hell out of Connie Mack," said Ruth in 1925. "But seeing a manager wearing a suit in the dugout always game me the creeps."

On Saturday morning, the entire Oakland Athletics organization visited the former residence of Connie Mack off of Lincoln Drive in northwest Philadelphia and also toured the site of where Shibe Park/Connie Mack Stadium once stood at 21st St and Lehigh Avenue, now the home of a church. The trip was organized in conjunction with the historical society and the Phillies Fan Club of Glenolden, PA.

After the emotional visits connecting the club to its storied roots, players, of their own volition, voted on the bus ride back to the Center City hotel to play Sunday afternoon's game of the Phillies series in suits and ties in honor of Connie Mack.

"The tour was very emotional for all of us. We called the league from the hotel and presented our idea and, surprisingly, it went through," said Billy Beane, the A's Moneyballing general manager. "Because we only see the Phillies in Interleague play, we didn't know when the next time we would play in Philadelphia. We feel this is a great way to honor a great man and manager/owner. I don't know why we didn't do this earlier."

On paper, at least, it must have really appeared to be a great way to pay tribute to the trend-setting Mack, but, in actuality, it was something quite different. The league and the team failed to take into account the stifling field temperature and the layers of heat-trapping, poor-ventilating material that a suit entails. At game time, 1 p.M. ET, the thermometer next to the A's dugout read 89 degrees.

"Yeah, it was awfully hot out there, but we were doing it for Mr. Mack," said A's right fielder Ryan Sweeney. "In the bottom of the fifth I was really feeling lightheaded. The stadium was spinning and that's all I really remember. I woke up at UPenn hospital in the morning."

"All I can remember was the humidity," said designated hitter/outfielder Hideki Matsui. "When we came into the dugout after being in the field we were told that we could not remove our jackets or ties. I went to refill my Gatorade cup dripping wet from the humidity and woke up in Pennsylvania Hospital."

Outfielder Coco Crisp, sporting a pinstripe suit and an elephant-dotted tie, passed out attempting to field a routine pop fly. "I saw the ball come off the bat, then some sweat dripped into my eyes and the next think I know I'm on a stretcher. It was all for Mack, though."

By the end of the game, eight Athletics were taken to area hospitals for heat exhaustion and severe dehydration. A member of the team's bullpen was forced to play right field for two innings because of the suit casualties.

Some players, however, said it wasn't the heat that bothered them, but that the limiting range of motion caused by the outfits was really the issue.

"I couldn't swing the bat properly," said Jemile Weeks, Oakland's second baseman and leadoff hitter. "I had to hold my arms in close to my body and shorten my stance considerably. It's an expensive suit, I didn't want to rip it. I didn't get on base the whole game but that might have been a good thing for the suit."

After the game, a 3-1 Phillies victory, the Athletics issued a statement where they adamantly blamed the suits for the loss and said that they could have simply placed a patch on their uniforms of Connie Mack wearing a suit. "We didn't honor Mr. Mack with how we played today, not at all," said Beane, the general manager, "but damn did we look good."

Above: A's pitcher Josh Outman wears a suit during a game against the Phillies. Outman lasted just two and two-thirds innings before collapsing on the mound from heat exhaustion. The suit was taken to an area dry cleaners.

McKeon return has Marlins fanbase pumped; manager thrilled to ... have new ride

2011-06-22T09:30:00.000-04:00

All fan 14 and over receive Jack McKeon Bobble head doll

Above: Florida Marlins new manager Jack McKeon (behind the stair lift) makes his return to the dugout on Monday night. The 80-year-old attempts to take in the action at home plate from the bench through the space between the backrest and the seat on his state-of-the-art new stair lift. The Marlins have laid 24 miles of stair lift track in and around Sun Life Stadium to make McKeons' return as enjoyable and seamless as possible. The manager can ride the diesel-powered device from the dugout to the mound, then to his home in Ft Lauderdale if he so chooses. The stair lift metal track on the infield grass is considered part of play under the stadium's ground rules. Below: McKeon shares a few laughs with fans and brags of the horsepower of his new lift.

Canucks under heat from fans after raising overhead scoreboard before game 7

2011-06-21T22:14:00.005-04:00

Vancouver, B.C.--Wow, what could possibly be added to the list of trouble and heartache that the city is facing these days? First, the local hockey team makes a valiant, grueling run at Lord Stanley's Cup only to fall in the final game of a war-like series. Second, the loss, a 4-0 drubbing, sets off some of the worst rioting and looting the city--and all of Canada--has ever seen.

These are truly (temporary) dark days for the world-class city that hosted the planet during the infinitely successful Winter Olympics not quite a year and a half ago. However, there may be darker days ahead before the sun shines again off the Straight of Georgia. Hockey fans are again irate, loaded with questions and the Royal Mounted Canadian Police have been placed on high alert.

Yesterday, it was reported that the Vancouver Canucks front office, after extended clandestine meetings, requested that the Rogers Arena overhead scoreboard and and its accompanying jumbo video screen be raised up fifteen feet before last Wednesday's start of game seven of the Stanley Cup Finals.

Yeah, so what? You're probably asking yourself why would the team do this and how could this possibly upset the nearly two million metro area residents and the Province's 4.5 million inhabitants? What does the height of a scoreboard have to do with anything?

With the exception of a few monster truck events and a few circus appearances, the scoreboard, which was updated in 2007, has been hanging at the same height since the facility opened in 1995. Why adjust it now?

The team raised the scoreboard using the elaborate cable-pulley system mounted in the rigid roof trusses to avoid damage to the flashing, blinking system in the "slight chance that the Bruins won game 7."

"One word," said Rogers Arena director of facilities management Gabe McNulty. "Chara!"

Zdeno Chara is the captain of the Boston Bruins, a player who stands 8 foot 9 inches without skates and 11 feet 4 inches with skates. The Canucks were so paranoid about Chara winning the game and, ultimately, raising the iconic Stanley Cup high above his head and smashing it into the scoreboard.

"If Boston and Chara won the cup, he would have raised the priceless, silver trophy high above his head and banged it into the $10 million scoreboard," said McNulty. "We had to take precautions against such a situation arising. It's just unfortunate that our wonderful, passionate fans found out about our plan."

"This is bogus, eh," said one fan, still wearing a bandanna over his face a week after the CBD riots ended. "I love the Canucks, but they were basically saying that the Bruins were going to win that game by raising the scoreboard. Totally bogus."

Rumors have also circulated that the NHL requested the scoreboard be raised so that the Cup itself was not damaged when Chara took hold of Mr Stanley.

"That is preposterous," said Gary Bettman, the NHL commissioner. "We don't delve into how teams conduct specific features of their individual home arenas. And, it should also be noted, that we did not ask Chara to only lift the Cup up halfway. We did not tell him to 'cradle it at his waist or get on his knees before raising it.' I think I read that on a blog somewhere."

Back on the east coast it was a different story. During the packed Bruins victory parade on Saturday, Logan International Airport halted flights for one hour in the afternoon in anticipation of Chara raising the cup on the players' stage in the heart of Beantown. "He's a tall son-of-bitch and I'm not going to deny altering flight patterns because of him. This is passenger safety we're talking about. Flights coming in over downtown would have had to negotiate a silver cup piercing through the clouds in order to land at the airport. We wanted to avoid this at all costs," said Logan's director of flight routing Danny O'Leary Shaughnessy McBride.

Chara has kept a great sense of humor through "Height Gate" (named by an MIT mechanical engineering student), but just wants it all to be over. "I get it, I'm tall," said Chara. "I was very conscience of not hitting the scoreboard out in Vancouver and, today during the parade, I would have lowered the cup if I saw a plane coming in. I hate that I am causing all of this controversy."

National Geographic photographer captures rare sight: large crowds gathering, caring for hockey

2011-06-18T09:00:00.003-04:00

Vancouver, B.C.--George Gilchrist happened to be in the right place at the right time. Actually, this is often the case for the award-winning photographer for National Geographic magazine. Photographers, the talented ones it seems, tend to have this uncanny streak of luck in common with their skilled colleagues. Wherever the action is that's where, unbelievably, they are too.

Gilchrist,56, had just returned home from the West African desert where he was on location for two grueling months photographing (or at least waiting to photograph) the three-winged loon--a desert bird so rare that it has been spotted just once collecting water from a lonely, refreshing oasis. That is, until Mr Gilchrist arrived.

"I got my gear and my pack and headed into the desert like I owned that desert," said Gilchrist in his fading British accent and who now calls Tacoma, WA home. "When the going got tough I said, 'Good on ya.' And then I just kept going until I photographed the crap out of that rare bird. It's an elusive little bugger, but bread crumbs and peanut butter will do the trick."

The loon is commonly known as a water bird, but the three-winged breed is able to store copious amounts of H2O under the third wing, which allows the bird to bury itself deep beneath the scorching, shifting desert sands. Air pockets below form comfortable habitats for the fowl who then feed off of unsuspecting baby scorpions. The three-winged loon can remain submerged under the desert for months, which makes a photograph of the crafty, duck-looking aviator priceless.

Could there be a photo even more priceless?

For the past week, the camera-toting Gilchrist was seeking some much needed R and R in Vancouver, B.C., just a short distance north across the border from Washington state. Here, the eight-time Golden Photograph and Picture winner caught something even more rare than the three-winged loon.

"It was a beautiful afternoon last week and I was wandering the streets of downtown Vancouver looking for some good fish and chips and I noticed crowds beginning to gather in the CBD. I mean, these were large crowds," said the photographer. "I didn't really think anything of it at the time. I didn't know what was developing right before my very eyes."

Gilchrist casually, yet confidently, walked up to one member of the group and asked what was happening. After a derisive comment about living under a rock, the blue and green painted resident said the crowd was there to watch hockey.

"I phoned my editor straight away and told him that he would never believe what was happening in Vancouver. Large crowds were gathering to watch (you might want to sit down for this) hockey and displaying emotions that projected a deep caring for the outcome of the game. This was rare. I really have the craziest luck sometimes. I just began photographing like a madman."

The photos will be published in National Geographic magazine next month and could propel the Thames City, England native to the cover of the periodical in the next year.

"The rare hockey photos will definitely bump the story about the three-winged loons off the cover next month. I feel like we're always doing a story about the crazy loons and their weird sand-eating habits," said National Geographic senior editor Francine Horton. "The country, the continent and the world need to see these photos."

Guy who smashed Vancouver bank windows says he 'totally forgot about camera phones ... and the internet'

2011-06-17T09:00:00.001-04:00

Above: During a widespread riot in British Columbia's largest city, a Vancouver resident uses a green hockey stick to shatter the floor-to-ceiling windows of a popular downtown bank after the Canucks lost to the Boston Bruins in game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. "As I was hacking away haphazardly," said the unidentified man, "I was like, 'Oh crap, there's a slight chance that someone is filming this right now.' Then, I was like, 'Dammit, the internet.' I totally forgot about the internet." In a move that hoped to bring leniency for his actions, the man went on to say that it was not his hockey stick. The entire nation of Canada has expressed horror over how one of their own citizens could abuse a hockey stick in such a manner.

Weiner Tweets pictures of his moving truck

2011-06-16T16:27:00.005-04:00

All four of Vancouver's black residents after Canucks' Stanley Cup run ends: Thank god this pretending-to-like-hockey crap is over

2011-06-16T05:00:00.000-04:00

'Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd have to pretend to like hockey for so long. I feel like I can breathe again.'

Friends describe ugly-ass-throwback-Canuck's-jersey-wearing Steve as 'a total asshole sometimes'

2011-06-15T14:40:00.003-04:00

Above: Steve wears the old black, yellow and maroon Canucks' jersey at a Stanley Cup Finals viewing gathering on West Georgia St. in Vancouver on Monday evening. Steve's friends say that him showing up in the putrid jersey is "so very Steve." "Look around," said one of Steve's closer friends. "Everyone has the new jersey with blue, green and white. He's a real a.h. sometimes, but I love the guy. He's a crazy, crazy bastard."

After Mavs win title, Cleveland declares end to championship drought

2011-06-13T09:50:00.001-04:00

Dallas turns down invitation to partake in planned parade on Thursday. City says they will hold celebration anyway.

Kevorkian passes away, but not before helping Thrashers, entire city of Winnipeg

2011-06-08T18:30:00.001-04:00

Royal Oak, MI--Dr. Jack Kevorkian, the man who assisted in the deaths of nearly 130 terminally ill patients, passed away last week due to "blood clot complications." However, before passing to the other side--a place he guided so many suffering souls toward-- he was able to complete one (or two) last minute "assist."

After eight years in prison and promising never again to help end a life, the doctor felt the suffering in this particular situation was too great to ignore the desperate cries for help. The doctor's involvement in this grim turn of events unfolded last week.

One by one calls were placed to the entire 23-man roster of the Atlanta Thrashers hockey club by the front office informing the players that their home city would no longer be the Georgia capital. The organization, founded as an expansion franchise in 1999, was saying goodbye to the Peach State and headed north of the border and relocating to Manitoba, Canada.

"It was like 3 o'clock in the morning," said team captain Andrew Ladd, recalling the night he learned of the move. "I answered the phone and a voice told me the team was moving to Winnipeg. Then they hung up before identifying themselves. In the morning, I thought it was just a dream. I was not dreaming, this is awful."

"Winnipeg? Winnipeg? Where the f*&% is Winnipeg? Is that a city, state or province?" asked Canadian-born left winger Eric Boulton, who has played for the organization for six years. "I'm from Canada, but I never heard of Winnipeg."

"I'm from Winnipeg and this is just about the worse news that anyone can ever get. I worked my butt off to get out of that hell hole. And, as Homer Simpson once said,'You know how I feel about hell holes.' I ... I don't know." defenseman Gary Thomas said.

Most members of the team just began sobbing uncontrollably when the news broke, others scoured their yards for trees with stout limbs that could support a couple hundred pounds.

"Isn't Winnipeg the place that snows so much that the police use black chalk to outline dead bodies?" added Thomas. "I thought I read an article about that one time. Also, I think it snows in July and August up there."

So distraught were the players about the future move from sunny, hot Atlanta to gray, frigid, snowy Winnipeg that one defenseman contacted a certain Michigan-based doctor. After learning that Kevorkian was spelled with a 'K,' the doctor's contact information was obtained and the process was put into motion. Soon after, the entire Thrashers team met in the locker room of Phillips Arena to carry out the gruesome deed. A note taped to the locker room door read: "We ain't movin' to Winnipeg. We ain't movin', period."

The attitude in Winnipeg mirrored that in Atlanta, as fans became sullen after hearing the news about the relocation. It was a stark contrast to the mood two days before when the City learned they would be getting their first traffic light. Elation turned to oozing hopelessness in less than 48 hours.

"The Thrashers? Really? They're f*&%ing awful. Oh, this sucks," said Winnipeg resident Harry Monroe, 42. "I was just about to play street hockey with some friends, now I only feel like playing Russian roulette. You'll have to excuse me, I have to go shovel the driveway."

The Thrashers spent eleven seasons in sprawling, auto-dependent Atlanta, where they qualified for the playoffs just once. In that season, 2006-07, they were swept from the first round in four games by the New York Rangers. This season they finished 13 points behind the number eight seed with just 34 wins.

"The Thrashers? Can we get the Braves instead ... and have them play hockey?" said another Winnipeg resident. "How about the Hawks or Fal ... nevermind."

"First, we get news that it's supposed to snow this week, then we hear that the 'Trashers' are coming," said Brian Tullimore, 55, a resident of Osborne Village. "I'm going ice fishing, it's what I do in June, July and August to take my mind of things."

The mayor of Winnipeg, sensing the absolute collective despair of his town, also called on Dr. Kevorkian, around the same time that the Thrashers had done so, to ease the City's excruciating pain. And, within 24 hours, all of the 630,000 residents of Manitoba's capital were gone.

"It's a shame that Winnipeg didn't learn about the locker room demise of the Thrashers before they performed their own demise. Many, many lives could have been saved," said one Atlanta police officer.

Before passing away, Kevorkian wrote a note justifying the deaths of a professional hockey team and hundreds of thousands of residents of a North American city: "I promised the courts that I would never again assist in ending a life no matter the level of pain being endured. However, this situation was very different. Each side--the Thrashers and the City of Winnipeg--were suffering from a great and terrible illness: the Thrashers having to move to Winnipeg and Winnipeg having to deal with the Thrashers. There were no other solutions to this situation. If you are reading this, I have passed on to the other side. Go Tigers!"

NBA unsure why Mavericks' gear selling like hotcakes in northeastern Ohio

2011-06-04T09:30:00.002-04:00

New York, NY--NBA league officials in Manhattan cannot explain why Dallas Mavericks' jerseys, sweatpants**, foam coolies, cups, barbecue grill covers, spatulas, lawn chairs, posters, t-shirts, jackets, hats, visors, windshield shade covers, frisbees, beach towels, key chains, mailboxes and automobile magnet flags--basically, anything with a Mavericks logo slapped on it--have been selling like wildfire over the past few days in and around Cleveland. "I don't get it," said Ralph Ventsini, head of apparel and merchandise supplies for the NBA, and who also tracks movement and sales nationwide. "We can't send enough Mavericks stuff to northeastern Ohio right now. I send it and it sells even before it leaves the truck. I thought they were Cavalier fans out there. One minute they are buying Sixers stuff, then Celtics gear and then Bulls gear. It's the most bizarre thing."

**Greater Clevelanders purchase more sweatpants per capita than any other city on the planet.

Report: WNBA two w's and a '.com' short of a web address

2011-06-02T09:30:00.002-04:00

19 Innings: Can NHL-style shootout eliminate extra-inning games?

2011-06-01T08:30:00.001-04:00

Philadelphia, PA--The Phils and Cincinnati Reds battled for 19 innings (over six hours) last Wednesday night (and Thursday morning), the longest game of the MLB season. By the time the game concluded at 1:19 a.m., few fans remained and many of those still occupying the blue, plastic seats were counting sheep, not innings or runs. Could an NHL-like shootout--a series of goalie versus player one-on-one breakaways--be the answer to such comic book-long baseball games?

"I've long called for baseball games to be timed, but that will never happen," said Mike Beverly, a sports columnist for the New York Times. "So, how about if the game is tied after nine innings of play, then you move to a shootout. I wrote my plan for this nearly three years ago."

Beverly is referring to his article that appeared in the Times on May 2, 2008, where he explained his innovative MLB shootout concept. With a tie score and nine innings in the book, teams clear the field and a hockey net is positioned behind home plate for the catcher to defend.

The opposing team's pitcher is then given one attempt to throw the ball from the mound--directly or by bouncing in the dirt--past the catcher and into the net. When a ball enters the goal the team is given one run. Each team picks four pitchers to go against the opponent's catcher, and, like hockey, alternate turns. Home plate umpires stand at the side of the net and essentially become line judges.

"Do we really want 19-inning games?" asked Beverly rhetorically. "The answer is no. Emphatically, no. It totally screws up the manager's pitching options for days. Let's do the shootout and add some flare to baseball. Listen, I'm a baseball purist, but I think this would be great for the game."

Beverly also wrote that if the game was still tied after a shootout, then the same four pitchers from each team would be given a breakaway using a bat and a ball. The ball would have to remain on the ground as the pitcher runs from the mound towards the plate and the net using the bat like a field hockey stick. The opposing team's catcher still defends the goal.

"Would this mean that everyone on the bench would have to jump over the dugout railing to celebrate a win like hockey players jump over the boards?" said a smiling Roy Halladay.

On Memorial Day, fallen soldiers, NHL remembered

2011-05-31T19:00:00.001-04:00

NHL

Logan Circle disqualified again from City's 'Best Square Contest'

2011-05-27T09:00:00.000-04:00

Philadelphia, PA--It is difficult to believe that it is once again time for the beloved Best Square Contest of Philadelphia, an event held every six years to determine the City's most favorite original park square. Though the original five squares have been reduced to three, there is much excitement and high anticipation every half dozen trips around the sun during the final weeks of May.

Residents and park enthusiasts can vote by using the ballot boxes stationed conveniently in each square. If voting on-site, fill out the three page form completely, fold the 8.5"X11" paper into sixteenths and drip hot wax (candles will be provided) to make a final seal on the ballot or your vote will not be counted. The other option is to simply vote online, with three simple clicks of the mouse, or via text message.

Washington Square is the reigning champion after judges were in awe over how park officials adjusted the center fountain to shoot two feet higher--to a total height of nine feet--in 2004. "We didn't make a lot of changes to the park six years ago," said Donna Fitzsimmos, president of Good Buddies of Washington Square. "But, we thought slightly increasing the fountain height would go a long way. And it worked. Boy oh boy, did it work."

Franklin Square was given a major makeover in 2006, one year after the most recent contest ended, and hopes to make a strong showing with it's newly-added carousel, miniature golf course and outdoor eateries.

Rittenhouse, often considered the king of the original five squares, finished a disappointing third in 2005, but has captured 22 of the 47 titles awarded since the contest began in 1723.

"Let's face it," said one official who only went by the name Park Bench, "Rittenhouse is the park to beat most years."

Center Square's eligibility ended in 1871 when the site was chosen as the new home for City Hall. Center Square won several Best Square awards over the decades prior to its bowing to progress. For years, volunteer groups that help in maintaining Dilworth Plaza--on the same block and just to the west of the tallest free-standing masonry building in the world--made valiant efforts to have the small park become eligible for the contest. However, it never was approved by the Best Square Contest board.

"Yes, Dilworth Plaza is a park. And, yes, Dilworth Plaza is on the site of one of the original five squares. But, c'mon," explained Daffney Bullard, a board member of the popular contest. "It's just not ... it's ... Oh, I can't even remember what I was going to say."

Logan Circle, remade in 2005, has been disqualified every year since 1925, when it was transformed from a square to a circle, and, despite this shape, enters the contest every year.

"Contest rules require us to permit Logan Square into the competition each time around," said Bullard. "They were an original, but we use helicopters and satellite photos to confirm their circularness and, ultimately, their disqualification."

Despite the politics involved in the contest, every resident of the city and surrounding counties has a favorite square and will be waiting eagerly for the competition's results.

"This is like if Restaurant Week was held every five years," said Sarah Telford, lead organizer of the Best Square Contest 2011. "This is all I do for six years, so I'm pretty excited. It's exciting. We're all excited."

Above: Franklin Square, no kite flying.

Above: Rittenhouse Square--no longer Segway-free.

Above: Logan Circle, it's a circle, so ...

Above: Washington Square with a new, impressive fountain water height.

Cast your vote today!

Despite name, Reds' manager assures fans kitchen is clean

2011-05-23T09:00:00.002-04:00

Above: Cincinnati Reds' manager Johnnie "Dusty" Baker denies rumors that he keeps an unkempt kitchen when baking goods for his players or family. Baker was given the nickname Dusty in 1975 as an outfielder for the Atlanta Braves after teammate Frank Bozner visited his suburban Atlanta home and witnessed a "very dirty and dusty kitchen." "Yes, I love to bake and, yes, my kitchen was not the cleanliest in the mid-1970's. But, that is not the case anymore," explained Baker. "I mean, yes, still call me Dusty, but it's just a name. You know what, just call me Johnnie ... or Dusty. Heck, just call me Justy ... or Dohnnie."

Despite intense pressure, controversial Race Street Pier hydraulic lift system to remain

2011-05-21T08:00:00.005-04:00

Above: Early last week, before the completion of the new pier, park officials tested the controversial hydraulic lifts. The lifts are intended to "clear the homeless" who remain on the pier after the 11 o'clock curfew.

Philadelphia, PA--The announcement came over the temporary, 2"X4"-mounted loud speakers, startling curious residents checking in and the plethora of construction workers scurrying to complete the City's newest park.

"All personnel are to clear the pier in preparation for the hydraulic lift test," said a cold, yet excited voice. "Five minutes to liftoff."

As the last of the bricklayers, landscapers, railing fasteners and deck builders exited the pier, a faint humming sound began to emit from beneath the murky, debris-laden Delaware River water surface. Seconds later, the seamless gateway between the urban sidewalk on solid ground and the new park began to separate, elevating like a yawning drawbridge.
It is the first of its kind in the country say the designers of the brand new Race Street Pier, a magnificent new park jutting out into the tidal Delaware River adjacent to the iconic Ben Franklin Bridge. The former Municipal Pier 11 has been transformed from a decaying, weed-strewn, concrete and steel skeleton to an inviting, grab-a-sandwich-and-hang-out park.

Why on earth does the City's newest public space--complete with fine wood benches, dramatic Trex step seating with panoramic views of the busy port and a pocket-sized grass lounging area--raise like a movie set clapboard?

The massive hydraulic lifts are primarily a way to ramp the park so that "homeless and other individuals" that remain on the pier after the 11 pm closing time will gently and slowly slide off benches and steps, waking from their slumber, and into the river below. The lifts, which support up to 22 million tons, were designed and manufactured in South Korea, shipped through the Panama Canal, and can "become perpendicular in seconds or hours."

"Listen, we wanted to discourage use of the park after the 11 o'clock hour by anyone, but the William Penn Foundation, who made a sizable donation towards the park's construction, forbade us from installing a gate at the entrance claiming that it would be 'an unfriendly welcome' to visitors," said Tyler Sinclair, the park's creator and a partner with Cooper-Sinclair and Associates, a Center City firm made up of landscape architects, planners and architects. "So we designated two million dollars towards a lift system. Simple as that."

A sign at the entrance, however, warns visitors that "this wonderful park will become vertical beginning at 11:05 p.m., please vacate the pier by this time."

"For individuals that can really hang on, the pier can go past the 90 degree angle and actually become slightly inverted over the water," said Sinclair. "We can also shake the pier back and forth somewhat, in case there are some real troopers."

On Monday, Max Francis, a rookie bricklayer working on the park lost a closely contested rocks-papers-scissors contest obligating him to be the first test person cleared from the pier using the lift system.

"I laid on a bench and just kind of waited while all of my co-workers looked on from the sidewalk," said Francis. "I could feel the park getting higher and then, swoosh. I slid from the bench down the decking and right into the river. I'll admit ... it was a little fun. A little ... uplifting?"

Protesters, however, from across the country have converged on the city to voice their concerns, including celebrities such as Mary Stuart Masterson, Brent Phillips, Sarah Jessica Parker, Larry Mendte, Joan Cusack and John Cusack.

"This is outrageous," said Bethany Marks, a protester leading a group of anti-hydraulic lift citizens that went by the name Lick the Hydraulics and who were emphatically chanting outside the Mayor's office at City Hall. "Remove those lifts Mr. Mayor. Remove those lifts."

"I'm not sure what all the fuss is about," said Gail Cooper, the Cooper in Cooper-Sinclair. "There will be plenty of flotation devices at the end of the park and powerful magnets will hold can-filled shopping carts in place. The 'cleared' individuals can claim the shopping carts on the following morning. We have a system in place ... a very well thought out system."

At least 2 dead and 15 pedestrians seriously injured after Comcast Center rooftop tennis courts open

2011-05-18T09:00:00.002-04:00

Elite Navy M.A.N.A.T.E.E.S. force opens up about bin Laden raid snub

2011-05-13T18:00:00.002-04:00

Norfolk, VA--Lt. Kyle Campbell trusted he made the right decision nearly two weeks ago, as high-tech U.S. military helicopters carried the elite Navy SEALs team out of Afghanistan and into neighboring Pakistan. We all know how the bin Laden raid turned out, but Campbell, one of the leaders of the mission, nervously watched a 64-inch monitor from an undisclosed American base in the Afghan countryside.

"I was really hoping that I made the right decision," said Campbell, about his choice to use the Navy SEALs. "I'm not a nail-biting person, but I really had no fingernails left at the end of that day. I must have urinated six times in the hour before our crew set out."

Several months ago, when the Navy was preparing for the raid on the Al-Qaeda leader's compound, the Lieutenant was put in a very difficult position--the old rock and a hard place. As most know (or at least know now), the Navy has two elite forces that were capable of successfully completing such a top secret mission: the SEALs and the M.A.N.A.T.E.E.S.

Though the two forces respect each other, there is a fierce competition to be labeled the more elite, talented group of the Navy branch of the military. There is strong lobbying by leaders of each force to be awarded the most difficult missions in the most random, far off corners of the globe.

The M.A.N.A.T.E.E.S., which stands for Martial Arts Ninjas And Trained Experienced Experts and Safety, are known for their meticulous attention to detail and implementation of overzealous safety precautions. Their missions often take longer and require more manpower than the SEALS, but the results are often perfection.

"The SEALs are good," said retired General Norman Schwarzkopf, who led the U.S. forces during the first Gulf War in the early 1990's, "but if I had to choose one group to get me out of trouble in a hostile environment, I'd have to go with the M.A.N.A.T.E.E.S. I don't mean any disrespect to the SEALs. Those M.A.N.A.T.E.E.S. sure can take there time and complete a mission within an inch of a dime."

The M.A.N.A.T.E.E.S. have slowly started to open up about being passed over for the "mission of a lifetime." Several members have taken a leave of absence, while others have used the press to air their grievances with Lt. Campbell and the SEALs.

"I don't want to be a sore loser, but we should have been the ones to go," said one M.A.N.A.T.E.E.S. who only identified himself as Sgt. Ass-kicking. "We would have completed the mission and returned ... most likely in a day or two. But, we would have brought back all of the helicopters. So ..."

"We're just much more laid-back about the missions than the SEALs," said Third Lt. M.A.N.A.T.E.E.S. Carl Rendt. "We take our time, but it pays off in the end. We just kind of chill out on our tasks. What's the rush, dude? I'm upset because we also got passed over to rescue the ship captain that was captured by the Somali pirates last year. That should have been us, too."

Other members of the group half-heartedly backed Campbell's enormously tough decision.

"Although I feel that Campbell really screwed us over, I feel like he made the right decision," said another M.A.N.A.T.E.E.S. who offered the comment on condition of anonymity. "We like to set up shop and really take our time. We probably would have had a little cookout in the compound courtyard before leaving. And this seemed like a mission for a quick-strike team, even though their mistakes were numerous. I wrote them all down."

What were railroad workers hiding in famous photo of Transcontinental Railroad completion?

2011-05-10T09:30:00.004-04:00

Promontory Summit, UT--Today marks the 142nd anniversary of the completion of the Transcontinental Railroad across the United States of America, uniting two vastly different coasts by way of the Manifest Destiny Express.

At 3:42 pm local time on May 10, 1869, Harold Trumbill, chief civil engineer of the Pacific and Illinois Union Railroad, raised a rusty, weathered 22-pound sledge hammer high above his perspiration-covered head. Two seconds later, after yelling, 'Long live PIUR,' drove a 94-carat golden railroad spike into a tar-coated railroad tie marking the completion of the cross-country track. This is how most history books describe it.

After this last spike was driven home, the workers, some laying track from the west and some from the east, paused and gathered on the locomotives that had been following the construction with necessary supplies, took the now-famous photo from this small Utah town (pictured above).

Two weeks ago, historian Lake Donovan, author of Transcontinental Railroad: I'm not Buying It, uncovered a photo (below) showing an alignment problem with the famous tracks that has challenged the timely completion of the railroad and sent shock waves through the railroad history world.

"I was doing some research for another book due out this summer, called Transcontinental Railroad: Really? A Railroad Across the Whole Country? C'mon!, when I came across a photo (below) that was labeled on the back: 1869 miscue, Promontory Summit, May 10, do not show to anyone ... ever. Trumbill."

If the photo is authentic, and Donovan assures his critics there is no reason to believe it is not, it would explain why Trumbill, a perfectionist in every sense of the word, delayed the official opening of the railway for another two months.

"There is correspondence between Trumbill and Pacific and Illinois Union executives that question why locomotives were unable to pass," explained Donovan. "Trumbill didn't let trains use the tracks for for nearly eight weeks after the famous group photo was taken."

One of these letters, dated May 25, 1869, from Jedington Smithright, vice president of PIUR, read:

Dear Mr Trumbill,

I hope the Utah territory has welcomed you openly. I trust that you can find a decent tavern in the place. I write today to confirm that I received your daguerreotype of the completion of the railroad that has united our great country. Only a handful of years ago, we were split by a terrible war, brothers fighting brothers, fathers fighting sons, sons very upset when fathers shot them. This is a monumental symbol for our fragile and rebuilding emotional state. I ask now why construction continues when the photo you sent has clearly indicated the two sides, east and west, have met in Promontory Summit? I have attempted to travel by rail to Utah from our office in East St. Louis, but have been informed by rail workers that the route is impassible and that this is a direct order from you. Please, explain yourself my friend.
Jedington Smithright, Vice President

A letter from Trumbill to his wife Agitheena, if authentic, may support Donovan's photo discovery. It reads:

Dear my dearest Agitheena,

How I miss you dearly my lovely. I hope the rumors of you marrying Mr. Gordon Thomas Livingston are just that ... rumors. Despite the photo of our gallant railroad workers celebrating the completion of the railroad, which I am assured has reached New York, I have made a maddening, erroneous calculation. The great tracks coming from the east and the west did not successfully meet. I had the workers gather tightly for the photo so to cover up the unfortunate debacle. It was really just a simple mathematical mistake, carrying the one when I should have carried a two, or a three, I think. Please, pray for me.
Your loving husband (or ex-husband),
Harold Trumbill, Chief Engineer, Pacific and Illinois Union Railroad

Trumbill was eventually removed from his position at PIUR two days before the first locomotive passed over the golden spike in the Utah Territory. Company executives never discovered that the chief engineer had drastically miscalculated the track alignment and dismissed the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute graduate on "unquestionable grounds of insanity."Above: The first attempt at the Transcontinental Railroad was slightly off, according to a recently uncovered photograph by historian Lake Donovan.

Request by Derby security for fan to turn lewd hat inside out only worsened situation

2011-05-09T21:57:00.007-04:00

White House mum on why Hulk Hogan was in Situation Room during bin Laden raid

2011-05-04T09:00:00.002-04:00

Washington, DC--White House officials are not discussing the reasons behind the presence of former WWF wrestler Hulk Hogan in the Situation Room during the highly secretive raid of terrorist Osama bin Laden's compound in Pakistan on Sunday. The American people and the media can only speculate that he had some hand in the operation, or, more likely, was there to give the elite audience a pep talk before, during and after watching the mission unfold before them in real time via satellite. Did he talk during the entire raid? Did he give his signature do-rag away after the raid was all over and deemed a success? Did he frantically look around the room for a top rope after the news broke only to be thoroughly disappointed there was no ring? Or, did he just stand there, silent, thinking, 'Why the hell am I wearing sunglasses indoors?' These are questions we may never know the answer to. But, we do know that the Hulkster is a true American. Thank you, Mr Hogan ... thanks, a lot.

Bin Laden raid: For security reasons, White House told Biden that staff was previewing new episode of 'CSI: Miami'

2011-05-03T09:30:00.003-04:00

U.S. Military: Google maps, street view played huge role in locating bin Laden

2011-05-02T15:53:00.003-04:00

Islamabad, Pakistan--A day after a U.S. military operation killed the most sought-after terrorist in the world those involved in the intricate coordination of the secret mission say maps and images that civilians use daily were the difference maker. "If I wasn't able to access google maps and then street view there's no way that we would have been able to virtually tour through the seedy streets of Islamabad and its seedier outskirts. We've been clicking, dragging, scrolling and zooming for the last several years and then, finally, I panned the view around to look at the buildings along one particular road and boom ... the bin Laden compound," said Lt. Francis L. Halsen, commander of the raid. "Google had blurred out many of the faces near the compound, but under a military request provided the non-blurred images and the rest, as they say, is history."

150th Anniversary: Remembering the Canadian Civil War

2011-04-29T09:00:00.001-04:00

When the Manitoban Navy sailed up the Severn River in northern Ontario, via Hudson Bay, and bombarded a lightly-defended Fort Severn with 24 hours of nonstop cannon fire on April 12, 1861, the Canadian Civil War had begun.

For years tensions between the adjoining provinces had grown over what appeared to be an innocent, lighthearted border dispute. ("Good sir, your border is ten meters off, I declare, eh?") Then, the underlying reasons surfaced: Ontario, in 1851, had passed a law limiting the alcoholic strength of its beer to 19 percent. The national government, with unequal representation from the heavily populated Ontario, and, impressed with the province's bold leadership, considered passing the same law for the entire nation. Tensions soon mounted.

After the shelling of the fort, Manitoba soldiers raised the rebel flag--red and white with a green oak leaf, not the famous, red maple leaf. This was a true declaration of secession.

Above: The oak leaf became the uniting symbol of western Canada during the Canadian Civil War. The oak tree, not the maple, is more commonly found in the west and appeared on the rebel flag.

"The oak leaf became the rallying cry for the West," said Fritz O'Leary, a history professor and award-winning author from Winnipeg Tech University. "From Winnipeg to Vancouver, the oak tree is king. The maple is more indigenous to eastern Canada."

Alberta, British Columbia, Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Nunavut, Yukon and the Northwest Territory (all four residents) united to form the West and believed that beer should have a higher alcoholic content than a "measly 19 percent." Though Quebec and the Atlantic provinces threatened secession, ultimately they remained with Ontario as part of Canada.

"Quebec's rallying cry became: 'La fistico viva a Canada pronte, la negotia concerne la biere later.' Which roughly translates to: 'Fight for Canada's life now, negotiate the concerns for beer later,'" said Don Gierre, an adjunct professor from Montreal Agriculture and Mining College. "And the fighting?... It was nasty, eh."

The battle of Tierra del Fuego was the bloodiest of all the war. The British Columbian navy, along with the Canadian navy each unknowingly formulated the same plans for a sneak attack. Sail south around the tip of South America and up the respective coasts to the intended place of bombardment. However, the two sides accidentally met at the tip--Tierra del Fuego, Argentina--and locked into combat for ten bloody days.

A rebel's letter home to Vancouver recalls the scene:

"Evelyn, I hope this letter finds you well. We suffered heavy losses today, my dear. I took a wound to the shoulder, nothing a sip of 35 percent alcohol beer couldn't mend. They are calling it the Battle of Tierra del Fuego. I bless the day we leave this wretched place. The sea was stained red with the blood of British Columbians and Canadians, swirling and swishing with the abnormally high and low tides. Have the children been skating daily, eh? How is little Tommy's slap shot coming? They must skate everyday like we discussed during my departure. Your loving husband, Ltn. Carl S, eh."

On April 9, 1865, Canadian troops captured Edmonton, Alberta ending the four-year war between the East and the West. The oak leaf-adorned flags hanging from every home and business were burned in the streets by jubilant Canadian soldiers drinking ... weaker beer. The alcohol content of Canadian beer remains at 19 percent today, a fact Ontarians are extremely proud of.

Riots break out across England after bride refers to football as 'the soccer game'

2011-04-29T08:25:00.001-04:00