Global warming spurs Maine to woo MLB teams to relocate spring training facilities

Augusta, ME--Officials from Maine, one the northern most states in the U.S., are attempting to lure Major League Baseball teams to relocate spring training facilities from Florida and Arizona to "The Pine Tree State." "We're anticipating that by 2028 winters [in Maine] will last about a week or two in January and that February and March will be perfect baseball weather for teams to set up facilities in Maine--especially along the coast," said Bethany Rose, Maine's vice president of Spring Training in Maine, a quasi-governmental group tasked with "Bringing MLB Spring Training to the state of Maine." The Miami Marlins are reportedly "very interested" and have looked at a possible stadium site on Monhegan Island and on Moosehead Lake.  

Ever Given investigation: Captain was attempting u-turn in canal because 'he thought he may have left the oven in his apartment on'

"I know I should have just called someone to run over and check, but that can be embarrassing," said the captain.

 

Bortles to start in Jacksonville as team desperately hoping Foles follows same backup to starter to Super Bowl MVP path

NHL Stadium Series: Players 'completely worn out' playing on 120-yard-long rink

Philadelphia--Saturday's NHL Stadium Series game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Philadelphia Flyers at Lincoln Financial Field marked the first outdoor NHL game with a rink as long as the football field (including the end zones) beneath the ice. The teams were clearly spent by the end of the first period."Playing on a rink that long is ridiculous," said Flyers captain Claude Giroux. "That's nearly double the size of a normal rink. It's too much. It was comical." The NHL approved the longer rink in order to "draw more NFL fans to improve television ratings." The exhausted hockey players also somehow found the energy to perform elaborate group celebrations after scoring goals. "My favorite celebration was when [the Flyers] pretended to drill a hole in the ice and use their sticks to go ice fishing ," said one young fan.

Polar Vortex: 'Ice Road Truckers' cancels filming for drive from Chicago to Michigan over Lake Michigan: ice is too thick, 'absolutely' no drama

Government Shutdown: Baggage handlers filling in for air traffic controllers 'perform impeccably' losing only twenty-seven planes nationwide

Has ability to skip Pro Bowl Bowl become sole motivation for reaching the Super Bowl?

Orlando, FL--Many top NFL players from across the league have admitted that their main goal for the season is reaching the Super Bowl--not for a chance to win a championship, but to avoid playing in the Pro Bowl. "When [the Chiefs] were eliminated in the AFC title game I was so upset. Yes, because we lost, but mostly because it meant that I would have to play in the damn Pro Bowl," said one Pro Bowl quarterback from Kansas City who wanted to remain anonymous. Many football analysts and players say the NFL's all-star game should simply be an award--an "honor on paper"--and not an actual game. "If reaching the Super Bowl means I don't have to play in this ... thing [Pro Bowl], then, yes, I would like to play in the Super Bowl every year," said another Pro Bowl quarterback from Indianapolis who also wanted to remain anonymous.

Using super-slow motion video, sonar, infrared imaging, NFL confirms Parkey field goal hit upright and crossbar

Year in Review: Police horse punched by Eagles fan 'definitely started it'

Fan claims horse purposely swatted him with tail, then 'neighed something nasty'

Year in Review: Foles' tell-all book reveals SBLII trick play Philly Special short for Philadelphia Special

Eagles credit Gritty's fiery pregame 'speech' for victory over Rams

Los Angeles--Yes, that was Gritty, the Flyers wacky new mascot, on the Eagles' sideline at the Memorial Coliseum on Sunday night. The Orange blob of hair was personally invited to the game by head coach Doug Pederson in an effort to 'spark the team to victory.' "I was just about to address the team before taking the field and coach told me to 'zip it' because we have a special guest here in LA," said QB Nick Foles. "All of the sudden Gritty walks in and just gives a very intense and inspiring routine...without saying a word. Guys were going nuts." Pederson stood in the corner of the locker room and took in the scene. "I was amped up," said the coach. "Gritty came in and you should have seen the faces on the players. Gritty's eyes said it all when they moved independently of each other: go out there and beat the Rams and keep your season alive. Be wacky and wild." Several players said their kids were going to be very jealous. Pederson laughed during the postgame press conference when he revealed that the bright orange mascot was actually on the flight with the team to LA, but was wearing a disguise so that no one would recognize him. "He had an exit row seat," said the coach, "and was wearing glasses and a fake mustache."

Year in Review: South Korea Olympics: Parachute fails to deploy in new bobsled long jump competition

Year in Review: Amazon announces same-day delivery on exact model dartboard used to pick HQ2 locations

Seattle, Washington--In November, after nearly a year of anticipation and lengthy analysis, Amazon announced that the popular Winmau Blade 5 Bristle Dartboard with all-new thinner wiring for higher scoring and reduced bounce-outs would be eligible for same-day delivery. This is the exact same model dartboard approved by Amazon CEO Jeff Bazos and used by the unpaid Amazon interns responsible for selecting the site(s) of the company's new corporate headquarters--nicknamed HQ2. The reduced bounce-outs and improved dart deflection with 30-degree reduction in razor wire angle helped the giant online retailer more efficiently choose locations for an estimated 50,000 total workers. "Less bounce-outs means quicker decision making," said one intern. "One of the darts we threw landed right on the line between Long Island City [NYC] and Crystal City, Virginia. Really, I swear. So, naturally, we went with both locations for a new headquarters." Bazos bragged that there were over four rounds of darts tossed to determine the final cities chosen for HQ2. He also vehemently denied that there was no "do over" when the final dart thrown landed on Tucson, Arizona. "Tucson did well in the dart tournament, but New York [City] and [Washington] DC won fair and square," Bezos added.

Nik Wallenda to walk tightrope stretched between the 41 North Broad St light poles...while eating a cheesesteak

Philadelphia--High-wire extraordinaire Nik Wallenda will attempt to walk a tightrope over a 2.5-mile segment of North Broad Street sometime in the spring of 2019. The world-renowned acrobat called conquering the forty-one, 55-ft tall posts "a challenge that would surpass my Niagara Falls stunt" in 2012. Wallenda said the final details will be worked out in the coming weeks, but that he may attempt the walk without a balancing pole or, if challenged in court, with only a two-foot-long balancing pole. The other possibility is using an extra-large cheesesteak as a balancing pole and slowly consuming it during the walk. Pat's, Geno's, and Jim's have all reportedly met with the high-wire walker and offered to name a steak: the Wallenda Wit.

Thousands of Chiefs fans gather in Mexico City bars to watch...minor league soccer

Mexico City--Hundreds of Kansas City Chiefs fans (and Rams fans?) made the best of an unfortunate situation when the NFL moved the Chiefs-Rams game from Mexico City to Los Angeles because of poor field conditions at Azteca Stadium. Instead of losing thousands of dollars in non-refundable vacation plans, most fans traveled to Mexico to enjoy all the city has to offer...and, hopefully, catch their beloved team at a local bar for the much-hyped Monday night game. However, bad luck continued for many, if not all, NFL fans in town for the contest when many the city's bars were only showing minor league soccer. "Every tv had minor league soccer on," said one disgruntled Chiefs fan visiting from Overland Park, Kansas. "We went to, like, six bars and it was all minor league soccer: El Soccer Bar, Futbol y Cervesas Bar, Soccer Town, Montezuma's Red Card Bar & Grille, The Minor League Soccer Bar, and El Patada Bar. I mean...c'mon." Another Chiefs fan quietly admitted: "I didn't realize there was minor league soccer. I actually kind of enjoyed it."

Light rain and lack of history postpones historic walking tour of King of Prussia Town Center until at least next century

Eagles in London: Players see 'no sign of Steelers QB' during tour of famous giant clock

Local developer uses 'opera-tunity' 26 times during press conference unveiling redeveloped opera house

Philadelphia--The Opera House on North Broad Street has a new life as the Met Philadelphia: a 3,500-seat theater for all kinds of entertainment. Built in 1908 by Oscar Hammerstein, the theater sits at Broad Street and Poplar Street. Large crowds recently gathered at the site during the ribbon-cutting ceremony. "It's such an amazing building," said the local developer in charge of revamping the historic structure. "I looked at it and thought it was such a great opera-tunity." There was a smattering of chuckles across the audience of media members and politicians seated in the gleaming new lobby. "It's such an honor to bring a building such as this one back to life--a real...opera-tunity. The Delaware Valley and beyond will have the opera-tunity to see a wide range of shows at this beautiful facility." The final count of "opera-tunity" reached twenty-six by the time the developer finished addressing the audience.

Carson Wentz cleared for contact...lenses

Philadelphia--Eagles team doctors have cleared injured star quarterback Carson Wentz for contact...lenses. The QB, who tore his ACL and LCL last season in a game versus the L.A. Rams, does not need contact lenses after undergoing laser eye surgery in 2017, but has been cleared to use lenses again in the future if ever needed or desired. One fan called the announcement "very confusing," given that Wentz has not been cleared for contact by doctors and missed the opening two games of the 2018 season versus the Atlanta Falcons and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. "Why do [the Eagles and reporters] pause after 'contact' when announcing this news?" said the fan. "I was all excited...it sounded like he was cleared for contact."

Statue commemorates not only Lincoln's conquest of public speaking phobia but 'all politicians'

Valley Forge, PA--Abraham Lincoln's severe public speaking phobia was recently highlighted in the New York Times best-selling book Puddle at Gettysburg by David McCullough. Last month, a new statue was erected to honor Lincoln's struggles when addressing large audiences. "The new statue (pictured above), Puddle of Nerves, honors not just the 16th President of the United States, but all politicians that have overcome the fear of public speaking. Many prominent politicians throughout history have suffered from debilitating glossophobia," said Gail Sinclair, Chief Operation Officer of the Valley Forge History Corporation--a for-profit history company.

Report: Majority of Vikings roster posted homes on Airbnb for SB week after Keenum became starting QB

Wentz lost for season: What was star QB even doing in game at that point? Injury occurred as Eagles were being blown out 28-24 in 3rd quarter

"We were losing by four points in the 3rd quarter. I mean, c'mon, it was over. Why was he even in the game at that time and not [Nick] Foles? The game was over," said one Eagles fan.

Group of unpaid Amazon interns in charge of selecting company's HQ2 location 'like, hundo p bored with reviewing all 238 proposals'

NFL Draft Prep: City, NFL release updated security info for three-day event

Roger Goodell will conduct a mass along the Parkway and give a speech at Independence Hall.

Above: Philadelphia and the National Football League released an updated security zones map for the upcoming NFL Draft to be held along the Benjamin Franklin Parkway from April 27-29.

Unclear if frustrated Flyers fans derisively chanting Hextall or Hakstol

Rhule's appearance on 'Fixer Upper' hinted at move to Baylor

Waco, Texas--Two weeks ago, former Temple University head football coach, Matt Rhule, appeared on the hit HGTV show "Fixer Upper." The home makeover show is based in and around Waco--the home of Baylor University. Rhule left Temple earlier this week to become the head coach at the Waco university. The episode featured Rhule searching for, and purchasing a fixer upper as "an investment property" in the Waco area. Chip Gaines, one of the co-hosts of the show, and Rhule each wear headsets throughout the episode and run several football plays in the front yard at the end of the show. Co-host Joanna Gaines asks several times, "You sure you're not moving down here?" And Rhule responds, "This is just an investment property." Yesterday, the former Penn State linebacker said that he would move into the house from the episode, but that "it really was an investment property."

Carson Wentz admits to making at least one 'Fargo' movie reference at each post-game press conference

Philadelphia--"We played like we were being put through a wood chipper today," said Eagles quarterback, Carson Wentz, after the Eagles lost to the Washington Redskins on October 16, 2016. Wentz attended North Dakota State University in Fargo, ND, and grew up in Bismark, ND. "I don't know, kinda funny looking," Wentz said when asked about some of the defensive schemes the Lions used during a game on October 9, 2016--another Eagles loss. The rookie QB said some of his more "bizarre" post-game comments have been inspired by the 1996 Coen brothers film Fargo.

Dorenbos originally planned to audition for AGT as long snapper, not magician

"I went into [America's Got Talent] to show my talents as a long snapper. You know, just snapping the football. But my act would have been the same each week...so I went with magic," said Philadelphia Eagles' long snapper Jon Dorenbos.

Image: NYTimes.com

Phillies must win final 17 games to avoid first losing season since 2015

To finish .500 the club must win all remaining games on the schedule. "We can do this," said one Phillies player.

Eagles Week 1: Linc crowd chanted 'Bring back Bradford' after Wentz's 2nd quarter three-and-out series

Photo: Philly.com