A satirical look at the Philadelphia region and beyond. (All stories are fabricated, with no basis on fact.)
Showing posts with label nfl. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nfl. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 13, 2019
Monday, January 28, 2019
Has ability to skip Pro Bowl Bowl become sole motivation for reaching the Super Bowl?
Orlando, FL--Many top NFL players from across the league have admitted that their main goal for the season is reaching the Super Bowl--not for a chance to win a championship, but to avoid playing in the Pro Bowl. "When [the Chiefs] were eliminated in the AFC title game I was so upset. Yes, because we lost, but mostly because it meant that I would have to play in the damn Pro Bowl," said one Pro Bowl quarterback from Kansas City who wanted to remain anonymous. Many football analysts and players say the NFL's all-star game should simply be an award--an "honor on paper"--and not an actual game. "If reaching the Super Bowl means I don't have to play in this ... thing [Pro Bowl], then, yes, I would like to play in the Super Bowl every year," said another Pro Bowl quarterback from Indianapolis who also wanted to remain anonymous.
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
Sunday, December 30, 2018
Saturday, December 22, 2018
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Eagles credit Gritty's fiery pregame 'speech' for victory over Rams
Los Angeles--Yes, that was Gritty, the Flyers wacky new mascot, on the Eagles' sideline at the Memorial Coliseum on Sunday night. The Orange blob of hair was personally invited to the game by head coach Doug Pederson in an effort to 'spark the team to victory.' "I was just about to address the team before taking the field and coach told me to 'zip it' because we have a special guest here in LA," said QB Nick Foles. "All of the sudden Gritty walks in and just gives a very intense and inspiring routine...without saying a word. Guys were going nuts." Pederson stood in the corner of the locker room and took in the scene. "I was amped up," said the coach. "Gritty came in and you should have seen the faces on the players. Gritty's eyes said it all when they moved independently of each other: go out there and beat the Rams and keep your season alive. Be wacky and wild." Several players said their kids were going to be very jealous. Pederson laughed during the postgame press conference when he revealed that the bright orange mascot was actually on the flight with the team to LA, but was wearing a disguise so that no one would recognize him. "He had an exit row seat," said the coach, "and was wearing glasses and a fake mustache."
Thursday, November 22, 2018
Thousands of Chiefs fans gather in Mexico City bars to watch...minor league soccer
Mexico City--Hundreds of Kansas City Chiefs fans (and Rams fans?) made the best of an unfortunate situation when the NFL moved the Chiefs-Rams game from Mexico City to Los Angeles because of poor field conditions at Azteca Stadium. Instead of losing thousands of dollars in non-refundable vacation plans, most fans traveled to Mexico to enjoy all the city has to offer...and, hopefully, catch their beloved team at a local bar for the much-hyped Monday night game. However, bad luck continued for many, if not all, NFL fans in town for the contest when many the city's bars were only showing minor league soccer. "Every tv had minor league soccer on," said one disgruntled Chiefs fan visiting from Overland Park, Kansas. "We went to, like, six bars and it was all minor league soccer: El Soccer Bar, Futbol y Cervesas Bar, Soccer Town, Montezuma's Red Card Bar & Grille, The Minor League Soccer Bar, and El Patada Bar. I mean...c'mon." Another Chiefs fan quietly admitted: "I didn't realize there was minor league soccer. I actually kind of enjoyed it."
Sunday, October 28, 2018
Thursday, September 20, 2018
Carson Wentz cleared for contact...lenses
Philadelphia--Eagles team doctors have cleared injured star quarterback Carson Wentz for contact...lenses. The QB, who tore his ACL and LCL last season in a game versus the L.A. Rams, does not need contact lenses after undergoing laser eye surgery in 2017, but has been cleared to use lenses again in the future if ever needed or desired. One fan called the announcement "very confusing," given that Wentz has not been cleared for contact by doctors and missed the opening two games of the 2018 season versus the Atlanta Falcons and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. "Why do [the Eagles and reporters] pause after 'contact' when announcing this news?" said the fan. "I was all excited...it sounded like he was cleared for contact."
Sunday, January 21, 2018
Thursday, December 14, 2017
Wentz lost for season: What was star QB even doing in game at that point? Injury occurred as Eagles were being blown out 28-24 in 3rd quarter
"We were losing by four points in the 3rd quarter. I mean, c'mon, it was over. Why was he even in the game at that time and not [Nick] Foles? The game was over," said one Eagles fan.
Friday, March 31, 2017
NFL Draft Prep: City, NFL release updated security info for three-day event
Roger Goodell will conduct a mass along the Parkway and give a speech at Independence Hall.
Above: Philadelphia and the National Football League released an updated security zones map for the upcoming NFL Draft to be held along the Benjamin Franklin Parkway from April 27-29.
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Carson Wentz admits to making at least one 'Fargo' movie reference at each post-game press conference
Philadelphia--"We played like we were being put through a wood chipper today," said Eagles quarterback, Carson Wentz, after the Eagles lost to the Washington Redskins on October 16, 2016. Wentz attended North Dakota State University in Fargo, ND, and grew up in Bismark, ND. "I don't know, kinda funny looking," Wentz said when asked about some of the defensive schemes the Lions used during a game on October 9, 2016--another Eagles loss. The rookie QB said some of his more "bizarre" post-game comments have been inspired by the 1996 Coen brothers film Fargo.
Friday, September 16, 2016
Dorenbos originally planned to audition for AGT as long snapper, not magician
"I went into [America's Got Talent] to show my talents as a long snapper. You know, just snapping the football. But my act would have been the same each week...so I went with magic," said Philadelphia Eagles' long snapper Jon Dorenbos.
Image: NYTimes.com
Image: NYTimes.com
Monday, September 12, 2016
Friday, February 5, 2016
Super Bowl: Kayakers already claiming positions on waterway next to Levi's Stadium
Santa Clara, CA--The narrow, shallow San Tomas Aquinas Creek runs adjacent to Levi's Stadium at the southern end of San Francisco Bay. It is often called McCovey Cove South (Montana Cove has not caught on yet), referring to the part of the bay beyond the outfield wall of AT&T Park, home to the San Francisco Giants, where watercraft enthusiasts gather during the local nine's home games. Despite its small size, the San Tomas Aquinas Creek is expected to host hundreds, if not thousands, of kayakers on Sunday for Super Bowl 50. "I don't know," said Gary Mateo, a San Jose resident and 49ers fan, "what if a football is kicked or passed over the stands or something and into the creek? I want to recover that ball." The view from the creek's surface is not great, but water-loving fans meet just south of the Tasman Dr. overpass for many 49ers home games. "I come with my stand up paddle board for every game--standing gives a little better view of the Field of Jeans," said Mark Dallas, a programmer from Redwood City, CA. "I have recovered four home run balls in McCovey Cove. Now ... I want a football." One football fan will use a crane to lower a pontoon party boat into the creek on Saturday morning. "I can't wait. I confirmed the crane yesterday and I went food shopping this morning. I'm set," said the Oakland Raiders fan who would not give his name. "However, I do need a fishing net to recover any footballs that come our way."
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Report: Temple seeking to partner with Oakland Raiders on 65,000-seat, retractable-roof stadium in North Philadelphia
North Philadelphia--Several transit riders spotted Mark Davis exiting the Broad Street Subway at the Cecil B. Moore Station yesterday on the Temple University campus, where a man standing on the platform in a dark suit held a sign that read, "M. Davis." The two quickly climbed into a waiting Cooper Mini limousine at the surface and drove north on Broad St. Davis is the majority owner of the Oakland Raiders, son of legendary late owner, Al Davis. The Bay Area team team is looking for a new stadium, and a recent proposal to return the organization (as well as the Chargers) to Los Angeles is apparently dead. Yesterday, Temple officials half-heartedly denied reports that the university was looking to partner with the Raiders on a 65,000-seat, retractable-roof stadium at the center of campus (map above). "[Temple] loathes the situation at the Linc, so why would we seek out another NFL team?" said one school official, referring to the current lease agreement with the Eagles in South Philadelphia at Lincoln Financial Field. The report also hinted that a retractable roof is desired--by a certain school president--to make Temple a legitimate candidate to host future Super Bowls. Notes: The new Snohetta-designed library may be located at the site of the former William Penn High School. The planned expansive campus green will be located in Fairmont Park.
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Contract requires Kelly to wear jeans during 49ers home games
Updated Levi's Stadium agreement calling for entire coaching staff to sport Levi's new skinny jean style.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Monday, November 2, 2015
Report: Bear Grylls offered Drew Brees tips on how to catch, eat animal mascots from 2015 schedule
Pelican Reef, LA--New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees appeared on the outdoor adventure television series "Running Wild with Bear Grylls" in early September in the Panama jungle. The British adventurer Bear Grylls and Brees teamed up to catch and eat a crocodile in the wild during the episode. At the conclusion of filming, Grylls insisted on to breaking down the Saints upcoming schedule to see what animal mascots the team would face. "[Bear] really got into it," said Brees. "He sat me down and went week by week through the schedule, and if the opponent was an animal mascot he spent, like, an hour on how to catch and eat that animal in the wild if the opportunity were ever to present itself. It was a little disturbing."
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