Global warming spurs Maine to woo MLB teams to relocate spring training facilities

Augusta, ME--Officials from Maine, one the northern most states in the U.S., are attempting to lure Major League Baseball teams to relocate spring training facilities from Florida and Arizona to "The Pine Tree State." "We're anticipating that by 2028 winters [in Maine] will last about a week or two in January and that February and March will be perfect baseball weather for teams to set up facilities in Maine--especially along the coast," said Bethany Rose, Maine's vice president of Spring Training in Maine, a quasi-governmental group tasked with "Bringing MLB Spring Training to the state of Maine." The Miami Marlins are reportedly "very interested" and have looked at a possible stadium site on Monhegan Island and on Moosehead Lake.  

Ever Given investigation: Captain was attempting u-turn in canal because 'he thought he may have left the oven in his apartment on'

"I know I should have just called someone to run over and check, but that can be embarrassing," said the captain.

 

Year in Review: Amazon announces same-day delivery on exact model dartboard used to pick HQ2 locations

Seattle, Washington--In November, after nearly a year of anticipation and lengthy analysis, Amazon announced that the popular Winmau Blade 5 Bristle Dartboard with all-new thinner wiring for higher scoring and reduced bounce-outs would be eligible for same-day delivery. This is the exact same model dartboard approved by Amazon CEO Jeff Bazos and used by the unpaid Amazon interns responsible for selecting the site(s) of the company's new corporate headquarters--nicknamed HQ2. The reduced bounce-outs and improved dart deflection with 30-degree reduction in razor wire angle helped the giant online retailer more efficiently choose locations for an estimated 50,000 total workers. "Less bounce-outs means quicker decision making," said one intern. "One of the darts we threw landed right on the line between Long Island City [NYC] and Crystal City, Virginia. Really, I swear. So, naturally, we went with both locations for a new headquarters." Bazos bragged that there were over four rounds of darts tossed to determine the final cities chosen for HQ2. He also vehemently denied that there was no "do over" when the final dart thrown landed on Tucson, Arizona. "Tucson did well in the dart tournament, but New York [City] and [Washington] DC won fair and square," Bezos added.

Local developer uses 'opera-tunity' 26 times during press conference unveiling redeveloped opera house

Philadelphia--The Opera House on North Broad Street has a new life as the Met Philadelphia: a 3,500-seat theater for all kinds of entertainment. Built in 1908 by Oscar Hammerstein, the theater sits at Broad Street and Poplar Street. Large crowds recently gathered at the site during the ribbon-cutting ceremony. "It's such an amazing building," said the local developer in charge of revamping the historic structure. "I looked at it and thought it was such a great opera-tunity." There was a smattering of chuckles across the audience of media members and politicians seated in the gleaming new lobby. "It's such an honor to bring a building such as this one back to life--a real...opera-tunity. The Delaware Valley and beyond will have the opera-tunity to see a wide range of shows at this beautiful facility." The final count of "opera-tunity" reached twenty-six by the time the developer finished addressing the audience.

Group of unpaid Amazon interns in charge of selecting company's HQ2 location 'like, hundo p bored with reviewing all 238 proposals'

Visit to 'Future Sensations' exhibit inspires local resident to ponder future of 'that old rust-covered Saint-Gobain fire pit' behind shed

Customer carefully reviewing wide beer selection at Wegmans Craft Your Own Pack section quietly filling carrier with six Budweisers

Upper Merion, PA--Harry Oliver is not into the craft beer movement. He is, quite simply, "a Budweiser, Coors, Miller kind of guy." Oliver is in the minority among his friends of late twenty-somethings who regularly make pilgrimages to local brew pubs to taste the latest creation of a mad brewer. "I don't need cinnamon or pumpkin in my beer," said a defensive Oliver. "I just don't." But the system analytics coordinator of analysis doesn't particularly like to advertise that he's not aboard the craft beer express. "Yes, I could go to Wegmans and simply buy a six pack of Budweiser, but I like to go to the build-your-own-six-pack section, look intensely over all of the beers like I'm really interested in them, pick one up, read it, put it back, then, when no one or few are looking, quickly put a Budweiser into the carrying case," explained Oliver, referring to his beer-buying excursions to the supermarket chain. "I won't take all six at one time. I'll slowly build the pack with all 'weiser or Miller, while acting like I give a damn about the other beers. I know it's a bit phony, but there's a lot of pressure to be into local craft beer. A LOT of pressure." The King of Prussia resident admits he gets strange looks when other customers--building six packs with micro beers, agonizing over each selection, debating which bottle or can has earned the right to fill one of the six coveted slots of the cardboard holder--get a glance of Oliver's macro beer lineup. Notes: Oliver claims to have found away around the "no more than two (2) of one variety of beer rule" when building a six pack but would not divulge.

Report: New Broad & Walnut Wawa to offer limited selection of Wawa-themed luggage

New Wawa at Broad and Walnut to have seating, full bar, valet parking, live music

The popular convenience store chain is creating the country's first "gastr-hoagie pub" in Center City Philadelphia and will feature touchscreen ordering from tables. 

Year in Review: Braves to offer ticket discounts, giveaways for all fans arriving in single-occupant vehicles (SOV) after move to new suburban stadium in 2017

"We're offering huge incentives if you drive by yourself to the games. Are you and three friends coming to a game? Well, take four cars to the new stadium. Relax, we'll be in the 'burbs," explained one Braves front office employee.

Vatican confirms Pope will visit Pat's AND Geno's

In March, a delegation of Philadelphians traveled to Vatican City to extend a personal invitation to Pope Francis to visit the city during the World Meeting of Families in September 2015. In addition to personalized jerseys from all four major sports franchises, the distinguished group presented His Holiness with a two-day-old cheesesteak brought over on the flight to Italy in a styrofoam organ donor cooler. (They did not disclose where the steak was purchased.) Francis accepted the gifts with a wide grin and the Brotherly Love representatives moved on after a brief interaction. "I didn't think he would eat the cheesesteak to be perfectly honest," said an incredulous Mayor Michael Nutter. "I was floored when I got the call last week. I thought it was a prank." The Call was directly from the Pope himself asking which cheesesteak establishment he should patronize during his visit next fall. Nutter politely guided Francis to sample several steak shops because it is "very difficult to choose just one." Last week, the Vatican confirmed that the Pope would visit Pat's and Geno's in South Philadelphia and possibly two more shops during the brief stay.

Capella University to shelf new online music school: A Capella University

The world's first online a cappella music school will be shut down at the conclusion of the fall semester. Low enrollment and complaints of "jam sessions feeling way too distant" are behind the closure.

Man arrested for climbing Brooklyn Bridge to 'snap some cool pics' lands huge endorsement deal with New Balance

The sneaker company denies the climb was a publicity stunt, but a new ad to air in September will feature footage from the hairy ascent.

9,999 Villages? One village decides to 'test waters, head off on own'

Fair trade handmade gift shop frantically searching for replacement village to keep name intact. "We just think it's time we did our own thing," said a village representative. "It was an amicable separation...sort of."

Developers vague about how residents will access condos atop billboard

Above: New plans for 205 Race Street include "several" residential units high atop a controversial billboard across 2nd Street in the shadows of the Benjamin Franklin Bridge. This would be the first residential billboard project in the United States and only the fourth in the world. When asked how residents would access the billboard condominium units, the developer replied, "Very carefully. Like, we mean, very carefully." If the billboard access ladder is to act as the main entryway for residents--a logical assumption--city officials would like to see rungs placed every six to eight inches for improved ascent and descent safety. "Having more rungs on the pole ladder will make moving furniture into the building much more pleasant," said one official.

Dunkin' Donuts kiosk opens inside Center City Dunkin' Donuts

Philadelphia--A Dunkin' Donuts inside a Dunkin' Donuts? This is exactly what a java-seeking patron will find on the 1600 block of JFK Blvd in the city's bustling office district. The new downtown doughnut kiosk is the nation's first located within a Dunkin' Donuts store--most are found in airports and malls. The Massachusetts based coffee chain is expanding rapidly in the Philadelphia area, quadrupling the number of locations over the past fifteen years from a scant 25,000 in 2000 to over 100,000 by early 2014. (The company would not comment on the number of new DDs opened since January, but the city estimates it at around 15,000--for a total of 115,000.) There are 48,236 DDs in Center City alone. "We wanted to expand without expanding," said Dale Hightower, chief financial officer at Dunkin' Donuts. "Does that make sense? We can expand and offer lower franchising fees without growing our real estate holdings or rents. This is very innovative stuff." The kiosks will be independently owned and operated from the host Dunkin' Donuts store. The company also acknowledged there are times during the business day when coffee/doughnut demand is so overwhelming that a supplemental kiosk will ease the strain on host store employees. After the first week of business some customers reported feeling confused by the new stand emblazoned with the bright DD logo. "I walked in and the people at the kiosk were waving me toward them, but so too were the employees at the counter of the store. It was very ... odd," said Sarah Beckner of East Falls. 

Outdoor moviegoers miss ending of 'Up' after helium-filled, inflatable movie screen drifts into the night sky

"It was only supposed to rise about ten feet off the ground," said a movie screen rental employee. "It was a publicity stunt that went very wrong. Please keep your eyes out for a large, inflatable movie screen, last spotted floating southwest."

Urine from fearful thrillseekers provides needed water for world's tallest water slide

"We don't need to pump water to the top in order for the rafts to glide down the slide," said Kansas City, MO, water park official Tom Loughlin. "The urination caused from the fear and anticipation of the ride provides enough water for the inflated crafts to smoothly negotiate the steep descent. It's been a fabulous, and, honestly, unexpected cost saver."

Blake Bortles joining with LeBron James to launch world's first wine cooler sports drink: Bortles & James

The new alcoholic sports beverage will replace depleted electrolytes and give athletes "a pretty good buzz." Television ads will remind consumers to drink responsibly and to have a "designated player."

Disney wanted to make 'Million Dollar Baby Arm' but could not get PG rating

The studio was forced to change the tragic ending already filmed and drop 'Baby' from title to lose the PG-13 rating given by the MPAA. "Also, the title would have been confusing to audiences," said one Disney executive. "It's not a film about pitchers with tiny arms."