Global warming spurs Maine to woo MLB teams to relocate spring training facilities

Augusta, ME--Officials from Maine, one the northern most states in the U.S., are attempting to lure Major League Baseball teams to relocate spring training facilities from Florida and Arizona to "The Pine Tree State." "We're anticipating that by 2028 winters [in Maine] will last about a week or two in January and that February and March will be perfect baseball weather for teams to set up facilities in Maine--especially along the coast," said Bethany Rose, Maine's vice president of Spring Training in Maine, a quasi-governmental group tasked with "Bringing MLB Spring Training to the state of Maine." The Miami Marlins are reportedly "very interested" and have looked at a possible stadium site on Monhegan Island and on Moosehead Lake.  

Ever Given investigation: Captain was attempting u-turn in canal because 'he thought he may have left the oven in his apartment on'

"I know I should have just called someone to run over and check, but that can be embarrassing," said the captain.

 

Government Shutdown: Baggage handlers filling in for air traffic controllers 'perform impeccably' losing only twenty-seven planes nationwide

Thousands of Chiefs fans gather in Mexico City bars to watch...minor league soccer

Mexico City--Hundreds of Kansas City Chiefs fans (and Rams fans?) made the best of an unfortunate situation when the NFL moved the Chiefs-Rams game from Mexico City to Los Angeles because of poor field conditions at Azteca Stadium. Instead of losing thousands of dollars in non-refundable vacation plans, most fans traveled to Mexico to enjoy all the city has to offer...and, hopefully, catch their beloved team at a local bar for the much-hyped Monday night game. However, bad luck continued for many, if not all, NFL fans in town for the contest when many the city's bars were only showing minor league soccer. "Every tv had minor league soccer on," said one disgruntled Chiefs fan visiting from Overland Park, Kansas. "We went to, like, six bars and it was all minor league soccer: El Soccer Bar, Futbol y Cervesas Bar, Soccer Town, Montezuma's Red Card Bar & Grille, The Minor League Soccer Bar, and El Patada Bar. I mean...c'mon." Another Chiefs fan quietly admitted: "I didn't realize there was minor league soccer. I actually kind of enjoyed it."

Eagles in London: Players see 'no sign of Steelers QB' during tour of famous giant clock

Manayunk Bridge multi-use trail turning into hotbed for fishing

Phila., PA--The challenge of keeping a fish on a fishing line during the long, nearly 20-plus minutes it takes to reel a catch in from the surface of the river to the top of the bridge has drawn anglers from across the region to the almost one-year-old trail bridge. (The rail bridge was built in 1918.) "It's not the catching of the fish that brings me here," said Dan Bayles, 37, from Wellsboro, PA. "It's keeping the carp or catfish or whatever's on the hook, well... on the hook while I reel it in." Planners from both sides of the Schuylkill did not anticipate the popularity of fishing from the bridge. "It's just too damn high," said Porter McLaughlin, a transportation planner for Philadelphia's northwest neighborhoods. "You're not even allowed to fish from the bridge. It's just too damn high." The first annual Manayunk Bridge Fishing tournament will be held over the weekend of September 17-18, 2016. "Anyone caught fishing from the bridge will be prosecuted," said Captain and Second Lieutenant, Adrian Sillenger of the Manayunk Police Department.   

SEPTA's Craigslist ad for 'Coaches Needed' inundates transit agency with thousands of résumés

"There are some very qualified athletic coaches in our region," said one Septa official. "But, we need coaches ... not coaches."

Report: Eagles team bus caught in Indy's Monument Circle for hours

The veteran driver was unable to merge in any direction during countless laps around the busy traffic circle at the center of town.

Police raid $3.5 million beachfront home, uncover $20 million counterfeit beach tag operation

The elaborate tag program took up all four floors of the house and portions of an isolated rooftop deck.

New Jersey says 2014 beach tag sales 'way up' after state authorized tag checkers to carry small handguns

2015 pope visit in jeopardy after Nutter, Corbett present His Holiness with 2-day-old cheesesteak, stale pretzels

The Philadelphia Mayor and PA Governor are in Vatican City to meet with Pope Francis to encourage the catholic leader to visit the city in September 2015 during the World Meeting of Families. The pontiff, wanting to be polite to the visiting delegation--who presented a "satchel of Philly gifts"--broke two teeth while biting into a rock-hard pretzel.

Report: Malaysian officials question Ashton Kutcher, producers of Punk'd

As the search for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 entered its 10th day, investigators followed up on "the best lead we have so far." The lead? A tweet sent late last night by @TheBeerKeg6401 read: "Yo, what if miss plane part of upcoming Punk'd season? #370 #notcool"

Family 'sort of annoyed' that soldier planned no elaborate surprise return for the holidays

"We picked him up at the airport after he sent us an email about a week ago that he was coming home for Christmas," said the soldier's father. "I mean, I'm thrilled that he's home, but, c'mon, put some effort into your arrival, man."

Thanksgiving Nor'easter: Airport passenger stranded since Sandy tells those delayed to 'quit their whining'

"This is the second Thanksgiving I've spent in this airport," said the passenger. "This tent has been home for thirteen months; so, please, don't complain about your two-hour delay. I went from being a customer at Cinnabon to working part-time there. Now, that's a delay."

CIA: Strict regime? Two N. Koreans missing after caught clapping out of sync at Globetrotter game

Stranded Carnival Cruise Ship: Conditions worsen as poop deck literally becomes poop deck

President of Portugal calls Garrett McNamara 'the craziest son of a bitch on the planet who is welcome anytime in my country'

Above: Big-wave surfer Garrett McNamara rides a giant wave off the Portuguese coast north of Lisbon. The wave is believed to be the largest ever ridden by a surfer, possibly breaking McNamara's own record set over a year ago. The president of Portugal, Anibal Cavaco Silva, praised McNamara's accomplishments and has credited the surfer for giving Portugal invaluable publicity. "Garrett is not quite right in the head, I think we can all agree, but I love that he is a risk taker. It reminds me of myself a little bit," said a smiling president. Silva, who is somewhat known for his sense of humor, presented McNamara with a custom-made straitjacket adorned with the Portuguese flag.

Flyers ready for franchise's first day-night doubleheader in Florida

Sunrise, FL--The Philadelphia Flyers, already depleted by injuries and looking up in the standings, face a tough stretch in the schedule, including today's day-night doubleheader, the first in franchise history. However, it is not the only day-night double header of the season, it is merely the first of four--an unfortunate and unavoidable consequence of the lock-out-shortened, 48-game NHL schedule. After a 1 p.m. game today against the Florida Panthers the team will board a one-hour flight from Miami to Tampa for an 8 p.m. contest with the Lightning. "It's tough but you just psych yourself up and do what you have to do," said first-year captain Claude Giroux. Coaches and players expressed that the main concern was if the first game went into overtime or a shootout, delaying the arrival in Tampa. All thirty NHL teams will play at least three doubleheaders this year, while twelve teams play six, the maximum the league would allow. "The health of our players comes first," said Gary Bettman, NHL commissioner. "However, we needed to cram in games during days and times that were not ideal, and that, unfortunately, included scheduling many doubleheaders." The Flyers will fly from Tampa immediately following the game tonight to New York for a 10 a.m. Sunday matchup tomorrow morning with the Rangers.

Attempt to celebrate London Underground's 150th Anniversary with 1860s-era steam engine 'does not go so well'

Subterranean revelers waiting to ride and cheer on the antique steam train, once a fixture in the Underground, stumbled out of smoke-clogged subway stations gasping for air and mending watering eyes.

In celebration of 150th anniversary, London Underground finally eliminates famous gap

London--It took 150 years, but it finally happened. The famous gap between subway cars and the station platform that spurred the famous "Mind the Gap" warning to London Underground riders has been reduced to nothing. "It has long been the goal of the Underground to eliminate the gap, but the lack of technology prevented it from happening until now," said David Jensen, operating president of the massive London Underground. "We wanted it done in time for the 150th anniversary celebration, that was crucial." The transit agency won't say what that technology is, but it is clear, while riding one of the world's busiest subways, that, indeed, the gap is gone. "It is amazing," said Kathryn Winslet, 41, a resident of the Sonnington section of the city. "It looks like the train should become wedged as it enters the platform. But, somehow it works." Gap closure came at a hefty price, costing over fifty billion pounds to retrofit nearly all 270 stations. Due to the (sometimes violent) effort of historic preservationists, two stations--Shrewsberry Castle and Tussle-on-Sherry--were not modified. So, what will happen to the "Mind the Gap" signs and verbal announcements? "Currently, we are in intense negotiations with the GAP clothing company to turn the now meaningless phrase into advertisements. Perhaps: 'Mind the GAP,' it's right up the steps and two blocks down.' I don't know, something to that effect."