Old Center City Wawa to become country's first ZsaZsa

Longtime actress Zsa Zsa Gabor has purchased the recently closed 20th and Locust St Wawa site with plans to open her first of many U.S. convenience stores named ZsaZsa. Gabor has long been waiting to break into the 24-hour convenience store market in the U.S. but was waiting for the right time and location. "Iss veddy special this site[20th and Locust] perfect for ZsaZsa," said the 91 year old star.

When asked whether the similar sounding name to the site's previous occupant would affect business Gabor responded,"Vee offer all dee same coffee and dee cakes. Iss very easy to shop for all dings."

ZsaZsa Markets are very popular in Gabor's native Hungary holding 85% of the market with 7-11 holding 10%. Two years ago the Hungarian government was very close to declaring the company a monopoly but Gabor is very persuasive. "She veddy persuasive," said Gabor.

Wawa Inc. has hinted that the company is slowly focusing solely on stores where they can also install gas pumps. "We need lots of space and although we did get city approval to build one gas pump at 20th and Locust we decided to go in a different direction," said Lance Miller, Wawa CFO. Plans had cars entering the store along 20th St and exiting on Locust. "The fumes would have been horrific for our food-only customers and crossing the car lane to get chips or sandwiches would have been hairy," said Miller.

Look for ZsaZsa(the store) to open by the beginning of May at the Center City site. Gabor, who has no plans of attending the grand opening, is very excited about giving the residents of the neighborhood a necessary corner store. "I am so excited Zsa Zsa decided to open a store here. I was upset with Wawa but having a ZsaZsa will be fantastic," said Rittenhouse resident, Sally Reeney.

MLS coming to Chester in 2100

After months of suspense the Philadelphia area has finally secured an outdoor professional soccer team to play on the waterfront of Chester, Pa. The 16th MLS team will begin play starting in 2100 as the 92 year delay is necessary for finalizing all plans. "We're excited for the next generation that will be able to enjoy soccer, if the sport still exists, along the scenic Delaware River," said Slate Timlin, MLS rep.

The stadium should be completed within the next two years but will sit vacant for 90 years while all the paperwork is completed. "There's a lot of paper work involved. It really is a mess. A bureaucratic mess," said Jason Sugarton, the new franchise's majority owner. Sugarton plans to leave the team to his grandchildren or great grand children. "I am very excited for my future relatives."

The biggest concern about the long wait period for the club to begin play is global warming. The new stadium will be adjacent to the Delaware River and rising sea levels could land the facility several feet under water by 2100. "I'm hoping this whole global warming thing is taken care of by then," said Timlin.

"We're just so excited about this new franchise and can't wait to see it ... I mean...for future fans to see it," said Chester mayor Jim Gilbert.

Chester lands European football; Bridge will not be moved

The Delaware River town of Chester, PA has just landed the 16th Major League Soccer franchise that will begin play in 2010. The team, still unnamed(some have hinted it will eventually be given a name ), will play in a soccer-only stadium along the Chester waterfront. Team officials and engineers both agreed that the ideal location for the stadium is where the Commodore Barry Bridge currently stands. "The major obstacle for getting an MLS team here was the high cost to move the bridge north one mile and then construct the stadium," said majority owner Jason Sugarton.
The financial backers of the team credit their flexibility for finally landing the Philadelphia area an MLS team. "We decided to just construct the stadium in the large open lot that is adjacent to the bridge," said Sugarton. "It's very spacious and open and I think it just makes more sense."
The bridge moving company, BridgeTime, based in Camden, NJ was very disappointed in the decision but understood it came down to a numbers game. "We would have charged the state of Pennsylvania around $700 million to relocate the bridge which would have increased the cost of building the stadium by around $700 million," said BridgeTime CEO, Justin Morse. Pennsylvania would have had to pay the entire cost to relocate the bridge because the site of the stadium is in Chester.

Military used Galaga as training for satellite shoot down

The U.S. Navy revealed today that the general who launched the missile which destroyed an Earth-bound satellite last week had been training on Galaga, the popular 80's arcade game, for several years.
General Fillmore, who took two weeks off from the game prior to launch to relieve severe carpal tunnel syndrome, is a level 12 Galaga soldier. Levels 12 and above are only accessible to U.S. Military personnel possessing the necessary skill.
"If the satellite had captured one of our fighters we would have fired and released the fighter ultimately giving us two fighters to shoot down the beast," said General Fillmore, referring to the popular double fighters tactic in the game Galaga that increases scores exponentially during the "challenger stage."
"There are many differences between Galaga and actually shooting down a in-active spy satellite, but the biggest is that we only had one missile not tens of thousands," said the General. "And the joysticks are slightly different."
China, who was very critical over the U.S. destroying the satellite, expressed great relief as they are the makers of Galaga and are very familiar with its technology.

Dr Phil and Pat Croce claim credit for ending Flyers streak; Team credits Oct. trip to Whistler

TV's Dr Phil McGraw has claimed his pregame speech to the Flyers last night provided the needed motivation for the team to end their ten game losing streak. However, Pat Croce also claimed responsibility for ending the skid. Neither man knew the other was addressing the team last night at different times and both appeared appalled Flyers' general manager Paul Holmgren would do such a thing. "Pat is great but c'mon, I respect him but I have my own TV show. I'm just a bit surprised Paul would do this," said a confident Dr Phil.
Dr Phil played junior hockey with Holmgren and the two have remained close friends ever since. "Dr Phil could skate and he had a nice little slap shot," said Holmgren. When asked why he requested both men to speak in the same night at different times Holmgren said,"I was desperate. We were approaching a club record and I had to pull out all the gadgets. It's embarrassing, but it worked and the appearance fee for each guest does not go against the cap."
Croce, who worked as a trainer on the Flyers years ago, is also known for being a motivational speaker. He claimed his talk last night was based on his best-selling book,"I Feel Great and I think You Can Too." It was reported that Croce made a grand entrance into the Flyers' dressing room through an air duct but was over 30 minutes late because of his unfamiliarity with Buffalo's duct system. "I first popped through a hatch that was overlooking Niagra Falls."

Report: Hillary Clinton using Zod, Ursa, Non to influence superdelegates

If neither Barrack Obama or Hillary Clinton capture the 2,025 delegates needed to win the Democratic presidential nomination, than the decision of who will represent the Party falls to the superdelegates.

With this in mind, reports have surfaced that candidate Clinton is in communication with General Zod, Ursa, and Non to "help make the superdelagates see things more clearly." Clinton denies the reports stating that she has never met any of the threesome, but added she respects their non-profit work.

The often-silent Non called a press conference yesterday to dispel the rumors, but somehow managed to leave the gathered media feeling even further confused. However, Non may have been addressing the rumor that he was recently named the new spokesman Rosetta Stone. (We think.)

A neighbor of a suburban Chicago superdelegate witnessed Zod delivering a box of oatmeal raisin cookies to the house next door. "I couldn't hear the conversation, but he left still holding the box, then threw the delegate's BMW into Lake Michigan, which is over 50 miles away," said a very frightened and anonymous neighbor, attempting to debunk the rumors.

The validity of the car throwing is being questioned by many considering the trio's recent involvement in the "Seat Belts Save Lives" Campaign in the Greater Chicago Area.

Some coworkers, however, believe superdelegates may be cashing in on their position to perhaps decide the name on the Democratic ticket. "[The delegate] arrives everyday at work with no car and there is no way she would ever take public transit or carpool. I know Ursa flies her to work," said a colleague of a superdelegate, outright accusing her of accepting benefits from the three antagonists.

In a related story, Obama has denied hiring the services of the Wonder Twins for similar purposes. "Please, I have never met the Twins, nor have I seen their hit cartoon show," said a visibly upset Obama.

PennDOT wins Best Sounding DOT Award

The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation, also known as PennDOT, has been awarded the nation's 2008 Best Sounding DOT Award. Every state in the country has a department of transportation and each shortens the name to the first sylable of the state plus DOT, such as CalDOT, MassDOT, NJDOT, etc. Each year the American Department of Transportation(AmDOT) honors the state with the best ear-pleasing abreviation. "We're really honored, our team works hard every year to make the PennDOT name roll off the tounge. We really take pride in this award," said Doug Stillman, PennDOT official.
This year's second place finisher was DelDOT, which has claimed this position seven times in the last ten years but has never won. PennDOT has now won the award ten times in the last forty years. MaineDOT, the only state that uses its full name with DOT, finished third this year. Honorable mention went to MissDOT but officials never clarified whether Missouri or Mississippi was the recipient. UtDOT and HawDOT finished 49th and 50th respectively. "We'll bounce back next year," said Jim Flores, Hawaii's Department of Transportation director.

Oh oh oh. The Swedish thing!

Will he play or will he stay? Oh oh oh. The Swedish thing.
Never saw so much sway. Oh oh oh. The Swedish thing.
Yesterday he said no. Oh oh oh. The Swedish thing.
Today it could be a go. Oh oh oh. the Swedish thing.
Peter's got cheese fries near his head.
blah blah blah blah.
Can he find a skate that heals? Oh oh oh. The Swedish thing.
Let's crack open another Piels. Oh oh oh. The Swedish thing.

Valley Forge Boy Scouts seek shelter of King of Prussia Mall

Hundreds of Boy Scouts flocked to Valley Forge National Historical Park this past weekend for an annual camping trip to commemorate George Washington's birthday. The campers were to learn of Washington's encampment here during the harsh winter of 1777-1778. The conditions for the Continental Soldiers were brutal as many fell victim to the elements. "It's messed up…what they went through here," said Boy Scout Scott Higgins, 12, of Binghamton, NY. "Captain Frost Bite really made the rounds during their stay here." Reports of that long ago winter had night temperatures falling below zero with winds making it feel even further below zero.
The Scouts did not face temps near this especially with the mild winter the area has encountered this year. But that didn't comfort the campers. "Around 7:30PM a group of scouts came to me and said they had had enough," said Scout leader, Ed Corbin, of Franklin, NC. During the next hour word spread through the tent city and the hundreds of campers demanded to retreat to the comfort of indoors. Montgomery County officials were notified and reached an agreement with the director of the King of Prussia Mall, two miles away, to house the campers there for the duration of the weekend. During Saturday and Sunday shopping hours customers had to wind their way through hundreds of tents in the Mall's walkways. "I came for a new sweater and stayed for the s'mores," said shopper, Grace Ponslini, of Upper Merion, PA. The weekend was such a success that the group plans to camp at the mall annually during the President's Day holiday.

Vermeil: 'I taped Dallas before the NFC Championship in 1981.'

Former Philadelphia Eagles head coach Dick Vermeil admitted yesterday to taping Dallas before his team played in the NFC Championship game on January 11, 1981.

"I was a huge fan of the show and I didn't want to miss an episode," said a choked up Vermeil. "I mean ... I couldn't miss it."

The coach never publicly talked about the show and its numerous popular characters until now.

"J.R. was great, but liking a show based in Dallas wasn't going to go over well in Philly, so I never really confided in anyone that I was a regular viewer."

In 1981, the show was in its third season and growing audiences loved it. Vermeil said he often hummed the show's theme song while he studied film in dingy offices of Veterans Stadium. Vermeil would neither confirm nor deny that some of those film session included watching Dallas.

The Eagles went on to beat the Cowboys, 20-7, to move on to the Super Bowl in 1981. And, twenty-seven years later, both current NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and Sen. Arlen Spector of Pennsylvania agreed that taping Dallas before that game gave no advantage to the Eagles, and the incident will not be known as the original "Spygate." Additionally, both men could not believe that Sue Ellen put up with J.R.'s nonsense for as long as she did.

New South St bridge will be area's first talking bridge

Though talking bridges have been constructed in cities such as San Francisco, Cleveland and Boston the Delaware Valley will welcome its first when construction begins in July of this year on the new South St bridge. The Schuylkill Valley Regional Bridge Authority oversees the construction of all bridges that span the river from Schuylkill County to Philadelphia County. "If you want to build over it we've got to approve it," said SVRBA director, Kimberly Combs. In 2007 Spring City and Royersford began building a new bridge linking the two towns, in Chester and Montgomery Counties respectively, without the consent of the SVRBA. Within two days the SVRBA had haulted construction and removed the pinky toe from 10 workers.
The organization admitted that their actions were a bit drastic and wanted to begin the healing process by approving the area's first talking bridge. "The metropolitan area will now be part of an elite group of cities," said Combs. The bridge will address drivers through strategically positioned loud speakers with greetings and conversation. As drivers cross the structure those with EZ-Pass tags will be asked questions based on information provided from their EZ-Pass applications. "For example the bridge might ask about your home town or might mention that you were speeding through the PA Turnpike toll booth last month. It's really a clever thing," said Michael Frank, TalkArch rep, the company which designs the talking bridges. The bridge may wish you happy birthday one day, remind you of a spouses birthday the next and ask why you're behind on child-support payments on another day. Those without EZ-Pass and pedestrians will only have generic greetings shouted their way such as: hello, hi, good morning, good evening, how's it going, what've you been up to, how's that, click it or click it until it clicks, check your oil cowboy, you should have seen the last bridge, better get to class, how did the presentation go, and ba da ba ba ba I'm loving it. For a complete list of the bridges general greetings visit: yeahimabridgeandimtalkingtoyou.com/phila/talkarch.
Notes: The bridge will not have a casino built above it as originally planned.

Report: Cops is filmed before a live studio audience

The hit show Cops, considered by many as the first reality TV show in the U.S., has finally revealed that it is filmed in front of a live studio audience. Beginning next week during the opening credits a voice will inform the TV viewers that the show takes place in a studio that contains a live audience. "It was something we weren't proud of and thought that it might take away from the total Cops experience," said Dave Altman, Cops' audience aplaud sign operator.

Gagne can't recall advice from Lindros, Primeau; they don't recall giving advice

Simon Gagne, Flyers forward, suffered his third concussion this season on Saturday in Pittsburgh versus the Penquins. The team is considering the possibility of ending his season early as a precaution. On Monday Keith Primeau and Eric Lindros, former Flyers who suffered multiple concussions, offered advice to the young Gagne. Primea's career ended early due to persistant post-concussion symptoms. The two retired players called the Flyer to share their experiences of dealing with multiple concussions, or at least attempted to. "I do remember calling Simon but I really have no idea what the conversation was about. We may have talked about how the season was going and what restaurants are good in Philly," said a somewhat confused Primeau. Lindros had know idea who Simon Gagne was when asked about the player.
Here is a transcript of Keith Primeau's phone call to Simon Gagne on Monday:
Gagne: Hello.
Primeau: Hey Gags, this is Preems.
G: Hey, what's going on? What are you up to?
P: Not too mcuh. I was calling to see how yor were...wait...didn't you call me?
G: I don't think so. I...wait...yeah, I did. Hang on, let me check the caller ID. No, Preems you called me.
P: Oh. You sure? ...Who is this?
G: Preems, it's me, Simon...Who is this?
P: Simon it's me, Preems.
G: Hey, Preems.
P: I think I was calling about restaurants.
G: Restaurants are good. Who is this?
P: Who is this? Listen it was really good to hear from you. Who is this?
G: (Now speaking in French) Who is this? I'm glad I made the call. Take care. Who is this?

Frank Purdue makes Northeast H.S. chicken prank disappear

Frank Purdue has tremendous influence, power and endless monetary resources to make controversial chicken issues into non-issues. Yesterday, as a prank, several chickens were released into Philadelphia's Northeast High School prior to school opening which forced the school to close early. "Purdue made the issue go away," said one anonymous Philadelphia School Board member. The same member was asked whether or not charges would be filed against the students responsible: "Charges for what? Nothing went on here yesterday. Nothing at all."
The chicken mogul has been known in the past to put himself in the center of all U.S. chicken controversies, such as in 1995. This was the year that Boston Chicken changed its name to Boston Market. Purdue immediately stepped in and that is why today the restaurant is known as Boston Chicken Market Hut.
So influential is Purdue that most teachers and staff at Northeast H. S. don't really remember the incident occurring. "I don't really know what your talking about," said one teacher, referring to the prank. The high school was open today with very little discussion about what happened on Monday. Purdue will act as a hall monitor for the next two weeks at the high school.

FAA: 'Planes can drop waste, but with tiny parachutes.'

The Federal Aviation Administration finally approved the dumping of airplane waste, while airborne, as long as flight crews freeze and attach tiny parachutes beforehand. For years now airplane crews, with crossed fingers, have released human waste from the sky, which in turn freezes because of the high altitudes, causing some casualties and massive property damage on the ground. Airplane waste has ripped through roofs, taken out clothes lines, frightened squirrels, narrowly missed hills, landed in empty ocean waters, left puddles of blue water and captured the imagination of many. Some experts have hinted that falling airplane waste may have caused the 2004 Tsunami in Southeast and Central Asia. Officials estimate that 99.99%of the falling dung lands safety in desolate back country.
The new rule calls for planes to have small parachutes on board that flight attendants must tie to the pre-frozen blue ball before releasing. After the waste is frozen it maneuvers up a tube, similar to a drive-thru bank deposit tube, before arriving at an opening. Attendants drill a hole through the center of the block, thread a vinyl strap through and clip on a parachute. "This makes it so the s__t won't hurt anybody," said a frustrated Gina Kinney, FAA CRAP(Controls Regulating the Acceleration of Poop)Rep. Sanitation requirements forbid the waste-handling attendant from partaking in cabin food or drink service for 15 minutes after attaching the parachute.

Dunk contest added to Pro Bowl for ratings boost

Honolulu, HI--Boosting ratings is not something the NFL accustomed to doing. However, the most watched American team sport is looking to do just that with the annual Pro Bowl in Hawaii this weekend. The NFL's All-star game, which usually ranks low in television ratings, will feature a slam dunk contest this year during halftime. "Players will dunk over the horizontal field goal bar similar to how some players celebrate touchdowns," said one NFL official, Gary Dinning. The height of the crossbar is ten feet--the same as a basketball rim--which makes perfect sense to hold a dunk competition. To make the contest a bit more realistic a basketball instead of a football will be used, while a rim and backboard will be attached to the field goal bar. And, finally, MLB and NHL players will compete against each other instead of NFL players during the exhibition dunking event.
Notes: Roger Goodell denied rumors that the league is planning to make the Pro Bowl into a flag football game in the future to prevent injuries to its marquee players.

Arsenio appears on Leno for 24th time during strike

Last night Arsenio Hall made is 24th appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno since the writers strike began almost three months ago. Leno and Hall are old friends and often discuss old times during the interview. "I didn't realize this but apparently Jay and I have discussed [Johny]Carson during every interview. Also we talk about how I am looking to get back into the talk show business," said Hall.
Hall has been popular on all the late night talk shows appearing a total of 67 times during the strike on NBC, ABC, CBS, FOX and The Food Network. Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and Dave Letterman have admitted that Hall has saved them during the strike numerous times. "I had one guest that at the last minute did not want to get on the writer's bad side and decided to cancel. I called Arsenio and he was able to get here in less than three minutes," said Kimmel, host of Jimmy Kimmel live on ABC. Hall said there was no truth to the rumor that he was living in the NBC studios during the strike or that he carried a special Tonight Show beeper.

New lake to provide lake-effect snow for Poconos

It's been a very dry season for many Pocono Mountains' ski resorts as have the past several years. The state of Pennsylvania has recognized the situation and has decided to create a lake just west of the popular resort area that will produce huge amounts of lake-effect snow.

"The Poconos will be snowless no more," said a joyous governor, Ed Rendell.

The plan calls to construct a dam on the lower Susquehana River Valley, near the Maryland border, creating a lake slightly smaller than Lake Erie. Funding will come from lottery sales,highway tolls and state-run bake sales.

Unfortunately, the number of people to be displaced will be in the millions.

"We'll lose towns like Harrisburg, Williamsport, West Williamsport and South Williamsport, but we'll have great skiing and...ah...great flood control," said state rep, Jim Dunagan.

New towns created will include North Rendellville, South Rendellville and John Thorpe. The project will be 3 times the size of Three Gorges Dam in China and will take over twenty-five years to complete.

"Hopefully most of the displaced will not be upset. And I hope they frequent the resorts in the future," said Dunagan.

Knotts' daughter turning up pressure on Knuble

Karen Knotts, daughter of the late actor Don Knotts (pictured), is putting excessive pressure on Mike Knuble (yes, the 'k' is pronounced), Philadelphia Flyers forward, to change the pronunciation of his last name by eliminating the 'k' sound.

The issue originally surfaced back in October at the beginning of the hockey season. Knotts was in town to attend the 'Kn' Conference at the Pennsylvania Convention Center and discovered the local hockey player pronounced the 'k' in his surname.

The 'k' is silent in most English words containing the 'kn' combination. Exceptions include: know, knife, and knever.

"It sounds funny to pronounce the 'k,' but it's part of my heritage,"said Knuble. "It's who I am."

Knotts is continuing in the footsteps of her father who originally started the campaign to rid the country of all 'k' pronunciation in 'kn' words four years ago. Don Knotts, who passed away two years ago, started Know Knonsense, a for-profit organization, late in his life to combat this "terrible problem."

"Just before my father passed he told me to be courageous in this dangerous pursuit. It is now my mission, my passion," said Knotts, wearing a blue Know Knonsense t-shirt. "Mr Knuble (no 'k' sound), tear down this 'k.'"

Knuble did not know nor had he ever met the actor, but realized the 'kn' cause was an important part of Knotts' life before passing on. "Out of respect for Mr. Furley I am considering changing the pronunciation of my last name."

Hillary plans to make WebMD available to all

On Super Tuesday, Democratic presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton finally revealed the foundation of her health care reform plan. She announced that when elected president she will make WebMD accessible to all uninsured U.S. residents.

"WebMD is good. And giving the uninsured of this country the opportunity to search for cures and remedies online is better than actual insurance in many ways," said Clinton.

Universal health care may not work in this country but universal WebMD has a chance to save taxpayers millions of dollars and possibly save a few more lives.

"Those who suffer from... say...a deep cut have a God-given right to log onto WebMD to learn how to stitch a wound for themselves using an aluminum can. There's also a whole section on performing home organ transplants using nothing more than items found in your kitchen," said Clinton.

Patriots regret dousing Belichik with Gatorade before game

Pats will still hold parade, but on the Cape

The New England Patriots announced they are contractually obligated to hold a parade that was scheduled for tomorrow, however, in a different location. So expecting a Super Bowl victory yesterday, the city of Boston, in agreement with the Patriots, set up bleachers, barriers, and food stands along the planned downtown route.

The scaled down parade will now take place on the very end of Cape Cod in Provincetown, MA, a 2.5 hour drive from Boston. By contract agreement every player and coach from the organization must attend and have a great time. The Cape town is very desolate during the unforgiving winter months and with ferry service from Boston halted until April few fans are expected to be in attendance.

"We were all disappointed with the loss, but we're going to give them a real good Cape welcome," said Jim Higgins, mayor of Provincetown.

Many of the high school marching bands scheduled for the Boston parade have withdrawn, forfeiting their appearance fee.

"We just think it's best that our kids don't partake in the parade. Plus I think we have a sock hop scheduled," said one principal.

Robert Kraft, owner of the Patriots, also announced he would have the team sized for rings after the parade.

"I was heartbroken over the loss but I think it's best to continue on like we won the game, at least for a while. That's what my adviser thinks is best."

Brady to wear potato sack in honor of National Potato Sack Awareness Week

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady will play the first offensive series of the Super Bowl in a potato sack to honor National Potato Sack Awareness Week.

"I'm hoping we go four and out," said a smiling Brady. "Seriously, it's for a good cause and if I have to hop around for a few downs so kids understand the dangers of potato sacks than it's all good."

National Potato Sack Awareness Week was started in 1987 after the deadly Kimberton, PA sack race that claimed the lives of seventeen very uncoordinated, clumsy children.

Sack Safe is a non-profit organization based in Charlestown,PA that teamed up with Brady after the 2004 season.

"We had no idea that Tom was injured in a sack race while a freshman in high school, causing him to miss a couple games," said Safe Sack founder, Chris Stapleton.

The agency believes that seeing Brady try to negotiate NFL linemen, while in a sack, will teach children that sacking is serious business. According to Safe Sack's website children must be fitted for a sack just like they would a shoe or sneaker.

"Yes, incorrect sizing causes most sack accidents. I can tell you were on our website," said Stapleton.

Statistics have shown that the number of children that hop around in a sack to complete every day tasks-hopping around school, neighborhood, store-has slightly decreased since 1987.

"We feel we are making a difference in kids lives," said Brady and Stapleton simultaneously, which caused them to laugh.