Old Staples store to be razed by giant staple remover

The Staples Superstore in Cherry Hill, New Jersey recently relocated to a newer, larger store several miles down Route 73. The company claimed that the original site was much too small for the booming national office supply retailer.

"If I was able to snap my fingers I would because that's how quickly we are growing. In fact we are doing so well that I could hire an assistant that would solely be in charge of snapping for me," said Staples CEO, Valerie Fromzen.

What will become of the old site, home to the South Jersey Staples for over five years? "We're going to knock it down and put up something real nice-like," said Cherry Hill borough council chief, Dexter Hollis.

The demolition company that is awarded the razing contract will have to adhere to Staples' policy of using a giant staple remover to complete the task. "It's a tradition we have here at Staples," said Fromzen. "Whenever a store leaves our family we feel this is the proper way to say goodbye."

Staples owns four of the giant staple removers with one stationed in each of the four time zones in the lower 48 states. Staples leases the removers to the demolition companies when a former store is to be leveled. Only five of the behemoth monster-like removers exist on the planet and the only one not owned by Staples was deactivated by the military almost three years ago.

Consider It Flattened is a Tacony, Philadelphia demo company considered to be the front runner to land the Staples contract. When asked how they would handle the enormous remover company president, Tom "Bear Hug" Poznuzski responded: "Lot's of cables, a hand full of really big rubber bands and some synchronized jumping."

Mugabe: 'Let's do a best of 7 like the NHL does.'

President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has asked his opposition in last months elections to consider a best-of-seven elections format to determine the African nation's next president.

"Let's do a best of seven like the NHL does," said the President. Mugabe is a self-proclaimed hockey "nut" and has been seen in luxury boxes throughout NHL arenas over the past several years.

Mugabe has refused to step down as the country's leader even though many believe that he lost the election which took place almost one month ago. Currently the country is conducting a recount of the ballots.

Mugabe is under pressure from Morgan Tsvangirai, founder of Movement for Democratic Change(MDC), to relinquish the presidency and does not see a best-of-seven happening. "I'm a bigger hockey fan than Robert, and though it would be great, the country has chosen and he must respect the decision."

UPenn decides not to construct 'spite fence' high atop Franklin Field south stands

University City--The University of Pennsylvania has finally decided against constructing a sight-obstructing wall at the top of the south-side bleachers in Franklin Field. Several months ago, a collection of university officials, with tremendous influence at the school, called for the fence to block the view from neighboring Penn Tower in order dissuade "rowdy undergraduates" from congregating on the roof to take in athletic events at the adjacent historical stadium.

Since Penn Tower's construction in 1975, students, visitors, and UPenn Health System workers have gathered during athletic events, especially the Penn Relays and Penn football, to watch from the highest floors or even the roof.

"We came up here for the Harvard football game last year. We sneaked a grill up the elevator and had a whole party up here," said senior Will Copperman. "The grill ended up being tossed over the edge and smashed on the sidewalk."

The building houses offices and clinics of the University of Pennsylvania Health System. "It's a tricky situation because the building's occupants are part of the university and so too are most the freeloaders that take in the stadium's athletic events," said Hannah Chormanc, student relations coordinator.

"It's not fair," claimed Riley Stern-Smith, in town for the Penn Relays. "I paid over $500 for this ticket, meanwhile they can sit on the roof and barely make out the athletes for free."

Many have compared the dilemma to the situation at Chicago's Wrigley Field. There, Cubs fans make the journey to the top of the Sears Tower and the John Hancock Building to take in Cubs games via telescope or binoculars and are charged a fee. The fee system was also discussed at UPenn, but this would not eliminate the dangers of the gatherings.

Another problem with Penn Tower is the tradition of throwing toast during Penn football games. Several people on the ground have been hit and injured by flying toast tossed from the rooftop of the Tower. "This is a big reason this has to stop," said Chormanc.

Travel: A guide to Montreal during playoff hockey for Flyers fans

Headed north for the Philadelphia Flyers versus the Montreal Canadians in the Eastern Conference Semi-finals? Though Montreal is located in the French-speaking country of Quebec, the city is predominately English speaking. This is what has attracted droves of Americans since tourism became legal in 1803.

I was fairly young when the Flyers last played the Canadians in the playoffs at the end of the 1989 season in the conference finals. However, when the telecast would break for or return from a commercial the network would show scenes from the city.

From what I saw on those brief video clips the city looks great. This is really all I have to go on because I have never been to Montreal during playoff hockey season.

It's been a while but one of the shots was of a cobblestone street with some horses pulling a carriage or something. So if you go check that area out, but I'm not sure where this is located in the city.

There was also a shot of a river or some sort of body of water. Waterfronts are always a good way to go. So definitely check this out. Again ask when you arrive in Montreal about where this is and if there are any exciting things to do there.

Now back in 1989 the Canadians played in the Montreal Forum. I know for a fact that they have moved into a new arena, but again you are going to want to check this out upon your arrival.

Flyers fans that make the trip to Canada but don't have tickets probably would like to congregate at Montreal's Flyers-friendly bars. Check with your hotel for a list of these bars. Remember, at one time Montreal spoke mostly French and as a tribute most of the city's restaurants and pubs have left their menus in the original language as a tribute.

So go Flyers fans and enjoy the the "Eh City" in the small country to the north and take in an Expos game if time allows.

Local company profiting from miles of traffic

Snack Wheels Inc, a Kensington company, is profiting from area automobile accidents. The company, who began operation last week and created after the I-95 closure, listens to Philadelphia Police radio reports to determine where accidents have occurred then spring into action.

The company specializes in providing beverages and snacks to those commuters waiting in miles of traffic. How do they service these vehicles? "We have about fifty mopeds with coolers on the back to store food and drink, which assure the products arrive cool or even cold," said Snack Wheels president, Milton Besinger.

The mopeds allow for delivery to tightly congested areas to most of the Delaware Valley's highways, expressways, parkways and routeways. The company has permission for service in seven of the region's eight counties, as Bucks County has so far denied a license to Snack Wheels. "The situation with Bucks is wacky and legally I can't discuss it right now," said Besinger.

Snack Wheels is only permitted to service an accident scene if the line of traffic extends over one mile. "Usually we wait for the news to say that traffic is backed up such and such and that's when we spring into action," said Besinger.

Customers seem to appreciate the snacks and drinks after hours of waiting. "I was so thirsty and really craving a Tastykake apple pie with raisins. They didn't have that, but they did have peanut M&M's. So it's all good," said Jim Higgins, a driver who sat in last weeks I-676 accident traffic.

Moped Driver Wendy Wilson has noticed a trend in the three expressway visits she has had thus far. "As you get closer to the accident scene the drivers tend to be not as hungry or thirsty. Probably because they have seen glimpses of the crash scene."

Green Lantern's final wish carried out

Superhero Green Lantern, who passed away last week after 70 plus years of fighting crime locally and globally, had his final wish carried out by the Fairmount Park Commission yesterday.

Lantern,98, was born and spent most of his down time on Green Street in the city's Fairmount neighborhood. "He was a good guy. He frequently stopped by to borrow a cup of spinach or a cup of green butter. I would always tell him,'I don't have green butter,'" said neighbor, Kyle Piller.

Before expiring Lantern asked that the fountain in Love Park be dyed green with his ashes as a remembrance to his longtime friend the Jolly Green Giant. Jolly Green passed several weeks before Lantern in a motorcycle accident while vacationing in the South of Greenland.

Lantern had this to say about Jolly:"Though he didn't fight crime the way I did, or really at all for that matter. Jolly stood taller than most. Yeah, he was real tall."

The Fairmount Park Commission was able to bring in the Hulk for the dying ceremony. The Hulk had never met Jolly or Lantern and was very cordial during the two hour tribute.

The Phillie Phanatic turned the switch that sent the fountain, and the ashes, into the air as the crowd cheered and cried at the same time. "Both of these guys were good guys," said former Phillies pitcher, Tommy Greene.

The FPC admitted that green dye numbers 46-53 had to be added along with the ashes to generate the proper "eye catching" shade of green.

City contemplates passing Neutral Law to maximize limited parking space

Philadelphia, PA--City Council is considering passing Bill 23497, otherwise known as the Neutral Law. The bill aims to address the city's parking problem by forcing car owners to leave their vehicles in neutral when parking on a level or nearly level street.

Leaving the automobiles out of gear permits other drivers, seeking hard-to-come-by spaces, to rearrange the cars to increase an existing spot or create a new one.

"I'll sometimes circle the block 10 times and pass three spots that are just slightly too small. It's extremely frustrating. The law would let me move the parked car or cars a few feet or inches to create a new space and reduce my anxiety," resident Tom Glavenstone said.

The city determines a level street by placing a soccer or basketball in the center and timing how long it takes to roll ten feet. Officials would not release time requirements to the public.

"A high percentage of this city is flat and level, and we really think this would help the parking problem. Is this a law for San Francisco? No. Even Bethlehem, PA? No. But it would work here," said Betty Toffer, a parking consultant with Dexter, Dexter and Talbot.

Some residents are skeptical about the law. "Back in the late 80's our street attempted this and someone pushed all 30 cars down to the next block and double parked them as a joke. We woke the next morning to an empty street and 30 parking tickets," said Gloria Gaboldini, of South Philadelphia.

Fran McMurphy of hilly Manayunk, known locally for his harsh sarcasm, had this to say: "Yeah, this would work in Manayunk. This would work really well in Manayunk."

It takes 6 connected zip ties to circumference a lamp post

Darren Hults is obsessed with zip ties. He puts zip ties around everything. If you're out in the city and notice a zip tie strapped to something the chances are that Hults placed it there.

"It's kind of my mark. I don't believe in the destruction of property so I turned to zip ties instead of marking or graffiti," said Hults.

Looking at a lamp post one day Hults wanted to know how many of the flexible plastic strips it would take to circle the pole.

"To this point all of my zip tie placements are singles. This is my first attempt at multiple, connected zip ties. I initially guessed four, but it turned out to be six. I was really surprised."

Love Park fountain will use water this year, not gasoline

The gasoline fountain in Love Park at 16th and JFK Blvd has long been a symbol of the "endless supply" of natural resources that our planet holds. Fairmount Park officials, who oversee the popular downtown square, under pressure from environmentalists, have decided to discontinue the use of gasoline in favor of water.

"Maybe our natural resources are not be as abundant as we previously thought," said Fairmount Park Commission official, Dan Glossman.

For nearly four decades, the fountain has spewed gasoline thirty feet into the air as onlookers sat upwind. "I'm a bit sad. I think I'll miss the days of coming to the park and smelling the gasoline and seeing the crazy rainbows form from the the fuel's mist," said Carl Perez, formerly of the Fairmount neighborhood.

Many loved the fountain for keeping the smokers away. "It was truly the only park in the city that had to be smoke-free. That's what I loved about the gasoline fountain," said Gayle Muhum, of Old City.

Edward Bacon designed the park's fountain specifically for gasoline in 1969, which make many believe the conversion to water would have greatly upset the city planner. "He'd be pissed off like so many others are," said Perez.

It's official: Top floors of Comcast Center will be open-air

The top floors of the new 57-story Comcast Center rising above Center City Philadelphia will be the world's first open-air skyscraper according to AAAAAA (American Assoc. of Architect's Architecture and Acute Angles),

Workers will now have the option to breath fresh air while at their desks and not recycled air for hours on end. Windows are being replaced by thousands of high-tech screens.

"Yes, it will be very windy up there, but the trade off is very good," said Jimmy Comcast, head of the AAAAAA, when asked about the wind factor. Mr. Comcast is not affiliated with the cable/communications company.

With wind gusts that regularly measure 50 mph at the 57th floor, Comcast Corp. has invested hundreds of thousands of dollars in paper weights and paper weight technology.

"To be honest, this whole project would not have been possible if paper weight technology was not where it is today. Architects and engineers dreamed of a 'screened-in' skyscraper long ago, but knew paper would be flying all around because of the lack of paper weight technology and high wind speeds," said David Morascan, head of Comcast's van and truck fleet.

The structure will only be open-air during the warmer months of the year and special curtains will be used during rain storms. "It's going to be a great summer," said Comcast employee, Debbie Cortstil.

Eagles to play all league's bird teams for first time in a good while

The National Football League released individual team schedules today including dates and times. The Philadelphia Eagles will play 16 games this year over the course of 17 weeks. They will also play four games that do not count before the season even begins. The schedule also has a few games beginning at 1PM Eastern time.

But what stands out most on the schedule is the fact that the Eagles are playing all of the league's teams whose mascots are also birds.

The Baltimore Ravens, Seattle Seahawks, Atlanta Falcons and Arizona Cardinals are all on the Birds schedule for the first time since the late 90's, early 00's or maybe ever. "It's nuts. Sure it's cool to have some prime time games, but playing all the bird teams is something I have waited a long time for," said Vince Mullen, a fan from South Philadelphia.

The "Bird Teams" of the NFL have always had a special relationship that other teams strive to develop. So strong was the bond that the teams started a club in 1985 called Feather Football to discuss what it was like to have a bird mascot.

"The teams and the coaching staff would gather twice during the season, as they do now, and once during the off-season to develop unity and discuss 'bird topics,'" said Buddy Ryan, Eagles coach from 1986-90.

The Ravens are the newest member of the club joining in 2001, five years after their move from Cleveland. "We made a rule that to join Feather Football a team has to be in the league (or named a after a bird in the Ravens case) for five years," said Feather Football President, Brad Goebel.

Delta and Northwest merge to create Dorthwelta

The merging of Northwest Airlines and Delta Airlines has created the world's largest airline-Dorthwelta. "The new name is inviting and comforting to passengers. We tested the name inside Atlanta and Peach Tree-area malls and it was a smashing hit," said Dorthwelta's new CEO, Paul Rorey.

The new airline will be based in Atlanta, the current main hub of Delta, and serve only the state of Georgia. There will be 65 daily flights between Atlanta and Macon and 200 between Savannah and Stone Mountain.

The future of Northwest hubs such as Detroit, Minneapolis and Cincinnati are uncertain. "Unfortunately, we're actually pretty certain about those cities' futures," said Rorey.

The merger is not expected to affect the overall poor performance of Philadelphia International Airport arrivals, departures and baggage claim. "This shouldn't affect us," said PHL rep, Jim Toronelli, "we should be able to maintain our level of under-performance just fine."

Caps fans can't agree on team history, but are enjoying season anyway

The Washington Capitals are back in the NHL playoffs for the first time since the 2002-03 season. The team had a late-season surge that helped them push past the Carolina Hurricanes and capture the Southeastern Division title, their first since 2000-01.

Though the team has played in the city since 1974 few inside and around the beltway knew they existed. Club history seems to vary greatly among fans.

Graig Quinire,34, of College Park, MD, is a die-hard Washington Capitals fan who has been captivated by the team's surprise success this year.

"The history of the club is kind of funny and interesting. They were an expansion team starting in the 1997-98 season when they went to the Stanley Cup Finals. Awesome year! Then they moved to some other city and came back this year," said Quinire, vice president of the Prince George's County Capitals Fan Club. The fan club has existed for about a week and claims 35 dues paying members.

Others don't recall the team before this season or last season. "This is the team's first year. Wait, how long has Ovechkin been here? Anyway, I've supported this team for as long as Ovechkin has been here. Which I think is this year," said Carl Gorberg,22, of Chevy Chase, MD.

Gorberg is referring to the Capitals' superstar left winger Alex Ovechkin who finished the regular season with a mind numbing 65 goals.

One fan seemed certain of the history. "They were definitely here in 1997-98 then moved to Hartford where they became the Whalers. Then in 2001 they merged with the Winnipeg Jets. They moved back to DC this season, but not until the 81st game of the year," said James Rurrent,42, of Washington.

Whatever fans define as their history the Capital seems to be enjoying the Capitals.

Residents of Wyoming, Colorado and Utah excel at Tetris

Scientists have reported that residents of three western US states-Colorado, Utah, and Wyoming- score higher on average than the other 47 states in the union on the once mega-popular video game Tetris.

Experts decided to study the trend when 15 out of the last 16 National Tetris Champions was either born or resided in one of these three states. "Last year I attended the annual Tetris Champions luncheon and, after hours of mingling, realized that the winners all had Wyoming, Utah, and Colorado in common in some way. It was quite fascinating, so I wanted to know why," said University of Pennsylvania video game analyst and tester, Dr. Peter Stringer.

The three states have something in common that no other state can claim. What is it?

Stringer, using test tubes and safety goggles, launched a four month investigation to answer this question.

"Tetris is a game of shapes and strategy. The lines are straight and not angled or curved. Wyoming, Utah, and Colorado are the only states that do not have a single natural border. They are blocks. And in Utah's case, a block with a small block on top," said Stringer.

The UPenn expert went on to say that residents born there or that live there are more aware of shapes and where to place those shapes during a fast-moving shape-themed video game.

"At first we included New Mexico in our results, but then realized that the Rio Grande River is actually a border between Texas and New Mexico for a short distance," said Stringer.

New Jersey and Florida residents scored the lowest with only only one straight border in the north with New York. "New Jersey has the Delaware on one side and the Hudson and the Atlantic on the other."

Borrower offers to return inter-library loan book to home library; librarian unsure

Cynthia Hammons, of Pennsport, borrowed a book from the Free Library of Philadelphia using an inter-library loan almost three weeks ago. "They didn't have the book so I thought this was the way to go," said Hammons.

The Library was able to get the book, Chalk on the Eraser, for Hammons from the Alleghany Library in Pittsburgh. Libraian Tom Forn unnecessarily explained that"The book arrived in a large yellow envelop."

Hammons read the book in just over two weeks and was planning a business trip to Pittsburgh when she noticed that the book was borrowed from the "Steel City."

"I saw the book had to be returned to Pittsburgh and so I called and offered to take the book back during my trip and they told me they would get back to me."

Forn admitted that in all of his years at the library he has never had a borrower offer to return an inter-library loan book to its original location. "It's not that I don't trust her, it's just that I wonder what will happen to the book. I mean...what if she gets busy or can't find the time to do it. And it's a little wacky."

Heimlich, 88, throws out first pitch for Mets home opener

Dr. Henry Heimlich returned to New York today to throw out the ceremonial first pitch for the Mets home opener against the Philadelphia Phillies. Heimlich received a standing ovation from the crowd and a smattering of boos when his pitch fell 10 feet short of the catcher in Shea Stadium's final home opener.

"We could've really used him at the end of last season," said Mets third baseman, David Wright.

Henry Heimlich graduated from New Rochelle Rochelle High School, just outside of New York, in 1937 and was a devoted Mets fan starting the the early 1980's. Heimlich was in attendance during the 1986 World Series victory."I really thought they were going to choke in '86," said Heimlich during an interview in 2002.

The Mets are using the doctor, most well-known for his Heimlich Maneuver, as a rallying symbol for the 2008 season to prevent a repeat of 2007. "The player and coaches will be wearing a Heimlich patch on their right sleeves for the duration of the season," said Mets manager Willie Randolph.

The Mets also announced that they will be molding a diagram of the Heimlich maneuver into the back of every plastic seat at their new ballpark-Citi Field. The Mets will begin play there at the start of the 2009 season. "Our team can choke, but we don't want any of our fans choking. Citi Field will offer top notch food and beverages for the whole family. This is a safety issue...and sort of a prank," said Mets representative, Dan Umara.

Thousands of pounds of Vaseline can't keep protesters off Golden Gate

The California Department of Transportation began covering the large suspension cables of the Golden Gate Bridge with Vaseline over five months ago in anticipation of protesters scaling the structure to protest the use of Vaseline to prevent protesting.

"We spent over $200 million to cover the cables with the goo to make them impossible to climb," said CalDOT spokesman, Jessy Chordly.

The time and money spent to prevent the climbing of the cables turned out to be for naught. Three protesters were able to maneuver up the massive steel supports to a height of 30 yards above the road decking.

Specifically, the individuals were expressing their anger at the usage of Vaseline by universities to prevent students from climbing field goal posts and tearing them down in celebration of important football victories.

"This is a victory for all who want to climb a field goal post, rip it down, and carry it out of the stadium," said protester, Nancy Srukow.

CSX:'Graffiti likely done while train was stopped.'

The rail freight company CSX has reported, after an internal investigation, that the recently discovered graffiti donning the side of a Waste Management rail container is the work of graffitists.

Officials also feel that the painting took place while the train was stopped and not moving. "The lettering is top notch. If this person did this on a moving train than I want to meet them. We could find a place at CSX for such a talented individual," said CSX director of operations, Lyle Drummind.

The graffitist, who goes by COWA-Can of Woop Ass, claimed he performs better on moving trains. "That particular work was done on a slow moving train, maybe 10 miles per hour. I realize it's hard to believe, but that's what I do best," said the artist.

Drummind was incredulous at the idea of spraying while moving. "No, I don't believe it. How would one support oneself on the side of a car?"

The artist, who is missing an arm, would not declare his methods for painting while in motion, but said that it involves several belts, a rolling pin, a nap sack and a handful of old cashew shells. "They're all critical components, but that's all I'm going to say."

Maybelline ok's "Maybe it's Valvoline"

Maybelline Inc. has given final permission for Valvoline Inc. to "borrow" it's well known ad slogan-"Maybe it's Maybelline"-for the next six months. Valvoline will begin running tv advertisements that feature, "Maybe it's Valvoline."

"We'll show an engine that is performing at a high level and ask the audience whether or not it was born with it. Then the ad will close with,'Maybe it's Valvoline,'" said Grahm Pintos, Valvoline media relations associate.

Maybelline officials agreed that it might affect sales, but were not sure whether that affect would be positive or negative. "It could be positive, but then it could also be the opposite of that. We'll have to see. I won't lie, I'm very nervous about the whole thing," said Maybelline guru, Ned Hanst.

Sunoco tv's drawing large crowds of non-customers

Sunoco gas stations across the region have begun installing televisions at the pumps to entertain customers as they fill their tanks. "We wanted to reward our loyal customers for choosing Sunoco and we now seem to be drawing non-customer audiences for sporting events and HBO programing," said Sunoco rep, Karen Mills.

Specifically, Mills is referring to the 22nd St and Walnut St Sunoco, which has seen crowds of up to 60 people gather on the 22nd St. sidewalk to view the screens. "It's nice because I don't have HBO and when my favorite shows are on I come down with my beach chair and set up here on the sidewalk," said viewer, Brent Cordon.

"I am planning to have my Super Bowl party here next year,' said Jim Gloss, of Fitler Square.

The monitors are positioned high enough so that customers filling their tanks do not interfere with the sight lines of the viewers on the sidewalk. In addition to unobstructed views comes the possibility of providing an audience member with a remote control. "It would be sweet to do some channel surfing out here," said Gloss.

Food sales in the convenient store have soared as it has become Sunoco's top grossing mini-market. "We never anticipated the ripple effect of placing tv's at the pumps. Our candy sales have skyrocketed," said Mills.

So grab a lawn chair and buy a Snickers or a chicken hot dog and join the crowd at 22nd and Walnut for a playoff Flyers game or an episode of The Office.

Nike backs off "Air Gordons" idea

The Nike Corporation has been looking to introduce a shoe to baseball that would send shockwaves through the sport. The shoe company thought they had their man, but may begin a new search after Phillies' reliever Tom Gordon suffered a meltdown in the ninth inning yesterday.

"Air Gordons were going to be to baseball what Air Jordans are to basketball and hockey," said Nike rep, Dan Glin.

Gordon was all set to sign a five year deal with Nike that would have paid the 40 year old $50 million to place his name on the spikes. "At this time we feel like we need to go in a different direction and it really has nothing to do with injuries, age or performance," said Glin.

Gordon expressed disappointment but hinted that retirement was nearing anyway. "I am really considering retirement. So the last four years of the contract would have probably been voided anyway."

City introduces hemorrhoid-friendly benches

The Fairmount Park Commission has introduced several hemorrhoid-friendly benches throughout the park's Kelly Drive corridor. The nation's largest urban park is slightly behind other large cities such as Los Angeles, Detroit and Seattle when it comes to the interest of the hemorrhoid-inflicted. "We're not the first, butt(he laughs) we should've gotten our asses in gear a while ago," said FPC director Sean Hamstein.

The 9,200 acre park system's director wants to install 300 of these benches before the end of the year in addition to the four that currently line the Schuylkill River. If this number is reached it would give the city the most rear-friendly seats in the country. "We would be the unquestionable leader in this movement," said Hamstein.

Are the benches comfortable? "I love them," said jogger, Carolyn Mendez,"they bring me back to the time when I was able to sit comfortably all the time. I actually just ordered two from the city."

"Freakin' awesome," said park enthusiast Stan Vinstill. Vinstill, as most who frequent the park, thought that the benches were the work of vandals. "It's a revolutionary idea and it really appears as if the bench was vandalized."

Hamstein wanted to stress to the public that though the benches are designed for certain folks that they can and should be enjoyed by all. "It's not as if the FP police will come up and ask to see your hemorrhoids if you're sitting on the benches. So sit back, relax and enjoy." He also noted that sometime in the future that bench users may be asked to carry a type of hemorrhoid identification card.