Red Sox Nation to issue own food stamps

Lidge to regroup, heal while working on 'The Closer'

Yesterday, Philadelphia Phillies all-star closer Brad Lidge was placed on the 15-day disabled list because of a knee injury that has bothered the pitcher for most of 2009. Many also have speculated that the move is an opportunity to help Lidge refocus and correct his pitching mechanics that have also plagued the pitcher this season.

The perfect save record from a year ago is a distant memory now, as Lights Out has blown six save opportunities almost a month before the halfway mark of the season.

Team manager Charlie Manuel met with Lidge late Sunday night after the final game against the Dodgers in Los Angeles, a series in which two failed saves were credited to the closer. Manuel informed the pitcher that he would be placed on the DL and, in a risky move, that he would be joining the crew, and possibly, the cast of the award-winning television show The Closer during his time on the shelf.

"It makes a lot of sense because the show is shot out there in Hollywood and so Brad can stay behind and spend a couple weeks getting his form and his knee in order," said Manuel.

The manager stated that Lidge was very accepting about being placed on the DL and even more welcoming to the idea of "working out the kinks" on a program such as The Closer.

The TNT show, which stars Kyra Sedgwick as police detective Brenda Johnson, portrays a special unit of the homicide division for the Los Angeles Police Department and their efforts at solving violent crimes in the City of Angels.

During a conference call with reporters on Monday from California, Lidge opened up about what he hopes to achieve during the next two weeks.

"I met briefly with the directer this morning and they're going to start me off as a production assistant. I'll be getting coffee and tea and all sorts of finger foods for the crew," said the excited reliever. "I'm crossing my fingers, not sandwiches, that I'll appear in at least on scene."

The Notre Dame graduate also admitted to the media that he had seen the show only a handful of times and thought the title was pronounced with an 's' sound and not a 'z.'

The Phillies closer will not be baseball's first saveman to appear on the series in an attempt to stem a long slump.

In 2006 Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez, then a member of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and fading on the mound, appeared in two episodes as an extra. Though no lines were assigned to KRod, his performance as Customer #3 at Coffee Shop #9 was impressive.

"Working with crew and the actors was exactly what I needed to get my pitching in order," said Rodriguez, who returned to his team after 15 days and fully regained his dominant form.

In fact, it was Angels manager Mike Scioscia, responsible for sending KRod to The Closer, who consulted with Manuel about the assignment and eased any concerns that persisted.

"Mike was great. I had lots of questions for him. What Will [Lidge] get from all this? What are the training/rehab facilities like? Will he have access to reruns of The Closer? Can he occasionally handle the scene clapper? Will his knee hold up? What's Kyra Sedgwick really like?" said a very at ease Manuel.

The show seemed ready and willing to take on the struggling Phillie and, coincidentally, the creator, James Duff, was huge Steve Bedrosian fan. Bedrosian was a Cy Young-winning closer for the Phillies from 1986-1989.

"We are ready for Lidgy. We'll bring back his form and his knee," said Duff. "Also, please mention that I'm a huge Steve Bedrosian fan."

Kerya Sedgwick did not return phone calls concerning this story.

Report: Tank Man hero was a real ... 'Tiananmen square'

On the 20th anniversary of the quelled protests in Beijing's Tiananmen Square, which called for political reform and free speech, some additional details about the demonstrations and the people involved have slowly—very slowly—surfaced. Specifically, facts about the lone student who stood in front of, and single-handedly halted, a line of heavily armored Chinese tanks.

The student's identity was never confirmed, nor was his fate after the incident. The man's picture and video facing off against the tanks was sent all around the world and instantly came to symbolize the protests. The man became known simply as Tank Man. But what was this remarkably brave protester really like?

Despite China's restrictions on free speech, acquaintances have begun to come forward to say how proud they were of Tank Man and, considering his character, how his actions on that day were extremely shocking.

"He never wanted to have any fun at all. He just studied all the time," said a friend who wanted to remain anonymous. "I would often hand out pamphlets about democracy and
uncensored media and he would say,'don't you know we could get in a lot of trouble for that.'"

Apparently, in 1988 during a college party at Beijing University's Smith Hall dormitory, Tank Man discovered underage drinking and informed dorm officials about the indulgences by his fellow students.

The guilty partygoers were forced to each partake in a 10-minute keg stand in Tiananmen Square. During the public punishments two students came ever so close to drowning, but later fully recovered.

Many in Tank Man's family and his friends all believe that the public, government-orchestrated keg stands of that year changed the way he felt about communism and the country's leadership.

"I think he just snapped one day during the protests and all of his squareness was unleashed upon the Chinese Army," said another friend.

So straight-laced was the student that when playing checkers he elected to enforce the rule that required players to jump the opposition if a jump was possible.

In fact, the "friends" that have come forward only knew Tank man as 'Tiananmen square.' University students in China at this time often used this nickname to label students like Tank Man, who, on the outside, lead a conservative way of life.

"I had no idea that Tank Man was capable of standing up to five tanks," said yet another friend. "Every time we saw him coming we would literally say,'great, here comes Tiananmen square.'"

It appears that Tank Man's perceived demeanor was strictly for show and that perhaps he was producing the literature his friends were distributing.

"[His squareness] was all a show, which makes him a damn genius," said one of Tank Man's professors.

WWII vet blown away by, er, from D-Day

Calais, France—This year is the 65th anniversary of D-Day, the massive, mind boggling invasion of mainland Europe by the Allies to recapture the continent from the Germans. The day is being remembered in France and the U.S. with parades honoring the surviving soldiers from that catastrophic day.

Part of the D-Day plan in 1944, in addition to the naval invasion, included dropping thousands of paratroopers behind enemy lines several miles inland from Omaha and the other landing beaches. Due to heavy German fire, however, the pilots of many planes decided to significantly increase altitude in an attempt to escape engine damage.

The unusually high winds of the day meant, as taught during training, paratroopers had to wait significantly longer—up to four minutes—to pull parachute chords to better their chances of landing near the rallying point.

A nervous Pr. Albert Peters of the 1526th Airborne Division, however, released his chute only seconds after jumping from the plane. The high winds pushed the soldier to the north over the English Channel in a matter of minutes as he watched the remainder of the 1526th grow smaller as they plummeted towards the intended target.

"I have to admit that I had a great vantage point over the Channel and I was able to see the whole massive invasion. The storming of the beaches, the half-tracks half-tracking off the transport ships, everything," said Peters.

The winds, at that altitude, were strong enough to carry Peters completely over the Channel and back to the coast of southern England to safety, or so he thought.

American and British soldiers, who remained in Britain in preparation for a German counter attack, believed the lone parachuter was a German soldier or spy and quickly opened fire.

"I knew I was approaching England as I could see the Cliffs of Dover very far to my right, which gave me great relief and comfort," said Peters. "That relief was quickly interrupted by bullets and anti-aircraft fire."

Peters followed his training skills and fired a flare into the air. The warning signal was designed to form an American flag upon exploding, but the winds had other plans.

"The winds jumbled the flag to make it appear as a tattered, sloppy Union Jack. They thought I was disrespecting their flag and, for that, I had to be a German," said Peters.

As the winds calmed, and the famous British fog concealed him from the troops below, the soldier began to lose altitude quickly, but not before being carried inland some forty miles where he landed smack in the middle of Stonehenge. "For a split second I thought I had done some time traveling or something."


Some in the 1526th accused the trooper of deliberately releasing his chute early to avoid the invasion, as twenty-five men lost their lives before even landing. One fellow soldier who wanted remain anonymous said that Peters is "a good guy." Three days later Peters reunited with the rest of his division in Caen, France.

"They teased me mercilessly," said the veteran of his fellow soldiers upon meeting on the ground in France. "They gave me a nickname. Let's just say it rhymes with paratrooper, which was better than the first nickname they came up with."

CBS3 reunion newscast turns ugly

Last night's 6pm CBS3 reunion newscast featuring fired anchors Larry Mendte and Alicia Lane was the highest rated program in the Delaware Valley since game five of the 2008 World Series. The reunion was the third highest rated local show ever behind only the 2004 Super Bowl and last year's clinching World Series game.

Before last night's meeting the co-anchors had not spoken since Mendte was accused of illegally accessing Lane's email accounts and feeding her personal information to local news outlets during 2007 and 2008 and was subsequently fired by the station.

The news show also terminated Lane after she was involved in an altercation with a New York police officer last year. All charges were eventually dropped.

CBS3 began planning a reunion newscast almost three months ago by contacting the two to gauge the possibility of an on-air reconciliation. In doing so the local station also knew it would take a large financial commitment to lure the award-winning pair back behind the news desk.

"I laughed and hung up the phone," said Lane, a native of Long Island, NY, when the station contacted her in early March. "Then they called back and mentioned how much they were willing to pay for the reunion."

Reports have Lane receiving $2.3 million and Mendte $1.4 million for participating in the broadcast. CBS3 said demand for advertising during the 45-minute program—extended from 30 minutes—was almost "Super Bowl-like."

"I realize that what we paid the two seems like an awful lot of money, but what we made from advertising pales in comparison," said station manager, Hank Lizel.

Mendte began last night with a joke by telling viewers to watch for Spyware—the computer information collection software—because "frankly any creep can break into your personal info these days."

Lane responded by attempting to strike her co-anchor (pictured above) and saying,"I haven't done that since New York, er..."

After a short commercial break, and five stitches to Mendte's lip, the two worked harmoniously together as if the snooping or the punching had never occurred.

After the show the two inked a deal to co-write a book together documenting the reunion show and only the reunion show.

"We will each be writing our own books about the circumstances that led to our firing," said Lane.

New GM models: Too little, too late

Local teen headed to Ivy League on triangle scholarship

Local musician Tim Herman, 18, of Center City, is headed to Princeton University on a triangle scholarship this coming fall. The dedicated member of the Philadelphia Youth Orchestra has been dazzling audiences throughout the country and Canada since he was 8 years old.

Herman began learning the instrument—usually shaped like a 3 or 4-sided triangle—when he was only six and began performing solo concerts only two years later. By the age of 12 he had played Radio City Music Hall, The Academy of Music, The Kimmel Center and the Mann Center for the Performing Arts all as a soloist.

"At first I kept pushing him to play the violin, I mean, really pushing him, but he had this gift and we didn't know what to make of it at first. We wanted to encourage him the best we could," said the musician's father, Jim Herman.

"Though he is only called upon to ring the triangle, maybe, four or five times over the course of a performance it's unlike anything I've ever heard," said the Youth Orchestra's Maestro Timothy Di Angelo.

It has been nearly fifty years since Princeton University awarded a musical scholarship to a triangle prodigy. In 1962 Verna Diller received a full scholarship from the Ivy League school for her masterful work on the triangular-shaped instrument. She was 12 years old at the time.

"We present 20-30 music scholarships a year, but rarely to a percussion triangle performer," said Princeton's Gail Underwood, Dean of the College of Music, who appeared surprised that Diller was the last recipient.

"When I turned 13 everyone kept telling me that I would have to change instruments or add an instrument, or two, to receive a college scholarship. I love the triangle and I wanted to prove them all wrong," said Herman.

During his four years at Princeton Herman will study under the famed trianglist Arthur Von Gelpin. Gelpin, 67, from Hamburg, Germany, has won every award a percussionist can obtain, including the Arthur Von Gelpin Award in 2007.

Herman will tour Europe this summer playing in Paris, London, Madrid, Barcelona and The Hague. The young performer hopes to be playing the National Anthem in London for the 2012 Summer Olympic Games.

Canada's largest territory awaits word on NHL franchise

The NHL's Phoenix Coyotes are in danger of moving from the Valley of the Sun to the Valley of the Nun. Nunavut that is. Nunavut is Canada's largest territory or province and is bordered to the west by the Northwest Territories, Manitoba Province and Hudson Bay to the south and numerous waterways to the east and north.

"When Hudson Bay is to the south you know you are almost as far north as you can go," said Nunavut resident Julie Bernstein, 56.

Specifically, the bankrupt team could wind up in the capital of this wild landscape—Iqaluit. The city sits on Forbisher Bay and, though it was originally founded as an American military base, has become known as the largest exporter of ice in the world. For eleven months of the year 8 of the world's 10 largest ice exporting companies ship frozen water all over the globe.

Iqaluit is overflowing with ice money and billionaire David Brennen, CEO of Fro-Zen Master, Inc. and its 500 employees, is leading the investment team that will bring the Coyotes to Nunavut.

"I sold ice cubes as a boy here then I carved figurines from the cubes," said the gregarious Brennan. "That's how I started out."

To become home to an NHL franchise the league requires that an arena with at least 17,000 seats must already exist or be under construction. Iqaluit city officials say that constructing the stadium is not a problem, but filling could be.

"The city has roughly 6,000 people, but that won't stop us from welcoming a team. There may be a lot of empty seats but we'll be loud," said Iqaluit mayor Jim Billingsly.

It is expected that with so much corporate ice money in this hockey-crazed city that most fans will watch games from the arena's luxury boxes.

With only a small local airport visiting teams would have to be brought in by ice road truckers—truck drivers who literally ride on roads of ice—from Quebec Province. (The History Channel is salivating from possible future episodes.) NHL officials foresee no problems transporting players on a 9-hour drive over unstable ice shelves.

"It's safe," said the mayor. "To give you an idea of how cold it is here, and thus, how hard the ice is, we vacation to Quebec City in February to escape the cold. It is [Quebec City] our Florida."

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Yesterday, in downtown Phoenix, AZ, angry Coyote fans held up signs reading, "We'll have None-avut." The group asked passing cars to honk if they wanted the Coyotes to remain in Arizona.

"There were an awful lot of beeping," said Susan Tuffnil, 38, of Glendale, AZ. "I lost count after 20 or so. And they were the good kind of beeps."

The NHL expects to decide by the end of June on the status of the franchise formerly known as the Winnipeg Jets. What will the new name of the team be you ask? The Nunavut Ice, of course.

"We chose Nunavut in hopes that all of the territory's 30,000 residents will get behind the team," said Brennan.

Mem-Oreo Day? Cookie fast becoming staple at BBQ's

One of the only foods to begin and end in the letter 'o' is moving from late night snack to crucial cookout component. Oreo cookies have long been viewed as the partner to a glass of milk sought sometime after dinner, but the chocolate sandwich cookies with the vanilla center have recently been showing up next to, and in, cheeseburgers and hot dogs. That is correct. Before being placed on the grill hamburger meat is often rolled with an Oreo inside of it and, in the crushed form, the cookie acts as a topping for hot dogs. "We just love it. We put Oreos in salads and coleslaw and ... this is embarrassing, but I even put crushed Oreos on my Oreos," said Viera Hannerhan, 47, of Doylestown, PA, who entertained 25 relatives at a barbecue earlier today. Nabisco, the maker of the cookie, plans to introduce a spreadable Oreo topping, in a squeezable container, with a ketchup-like consistency for the Fourth of July holiday. So popular is the new bbq accessory that the Phillies toyed with the idea of having Dollar Oreo Night in conjunction with tonight's Dollar Dog Night, but nixed the idea last week. "We weren't able to secure 400,000 Oreos with such short notice," said a team rep.

Vowel play? 'E' stolen in broad daylight

Above, workman posing as real "letter washers" remove the final 'E' in Yankee from New Yankee Stadium's large sign overlooking the grand home plate entrance. "They said they were here to wash the letters and that I should worry about concessions if I knew what was good for me," said Yankee Stadium concessions manager, Tim Worrly, after confronting the crew. Normally, each letter is removed once a week—by two large helicopters—and taken to an undisclosed site in northern New Jersey to be thoroughly washed and detailed. The cleanings usually take place on Monday's, but this "cleaning" occurred on Wednesday. The Yankees have spared no expense with the new ball field. The organization did not realize they were being robbed until it was determined the helicopters were flying south toward Philadelphia. This weekend's Phillies-Yankees series will not be moved to Citizens Bank ParkE as was first believed. Police have no leads on the letter's whereabouts. The Yankees have not issued a statement, but third baseman, Alex Rodriguez offered to personally place the vowel back in it's intended spot once recovered. "I'll just carry it on up there," said Rodriguez.

Minnesota may force changes in business names

The Minnesota government in St Paul is considering a bill that, if approved, would regulate the names of new and existing businesses in the gopher state. The bill is aimed at 'and son' businesses, which are usually formed by a surname followed by 'and Son(s).' Specifically, the law targets surnames that end in -son.

For example, Samuelson & Son, Peerson & Son, Gustavson & Son, Benson & Son, Mathieson & Son, Anderson & Son and Emanuelson & Son are a handful of business names in Minnesota that would be affected if passed. If the state has their say the above companies must use 'and relative(s)' in place of 'and son(s)' or eliminate the 'son' from the surname (Ander and Son). Confused yet?

"It's redundant and there are quite a few of them in the state," said Minnesota state senator, Mike Holst. "It's confusing to customers. Why can't the 'son' in the last name double for the 'and son?' Ander&son would work fine."

The vote will take place in several weeks and has much of the state's 'and son' owners extremely upset.

"We've been Anderson & Son for 54 years," said funeral director Colson Anderson who has three daughters, and no sons, all of which are not active in the organization. "Anderson & Relative just doesn't sound right."

Hence, another issue that concerns the state is that an estimated 40% of these 'and son' businesses do not have a son involved at all in the day-to-day operation of the business.


Sonnerson and Son, Inc in Bells Mills, MN, a lake counting firm, contains three 'sons' in its name and in only a month or so could see its new name be reduced to simply ... Son, Inc.

The name restrictions would not include surnames ending in -sen or -sin. 'And Child' may also appear in the name but not 'And Children.' The state claims this law proposal was not in any way inspired by South Dakota's recent approval of a similar bill.

Phils mum on number choice for Obama jersey

The Phillies visited the White House and President Barack Obama on Friday as is tradition for World Series Champions. During the meeting shortstop Jimmy Rollins presented Obama with an authentic jersey and team-autographed ball.

The home jersey was personalized on the back reading Obama and, curiously, the number 44. Why did the team choose 44? What was the significance? Did Obama choose the number? Did the president wear the number as an athlete?

"I don't want to get into all that," said Phillies president, David Montgomery concerning the choice of number.

Asked several times to comment Phillies manager, Charlie Manuel, finally presented his theory to reporters about the selection.

"[JA] Happ is number 43 and [Ryan] Madson has number 46," explained the manager.

Preakness braces for cat-trained mini horse

Seventeen-inch Bundle of Thunder, one of the world's smallest horses (pictured above), will take part in this weekend's 134th Preakness in Baltimore, MD. The miniature horse is only the second smallest ever to participate in the race, the second in the Triple Crown series. (In 1879 Copper Penny measured 16 inches tall and placed third.) The bigger story, however, may be that the tiny horse was trained by the up-and-coming cat horse trainer Kitty Baffert (pictured below with future Kentucky Derby runner Summer Squall in 2008). "I think [Bundle of Thunder] has a great shot. We've been working really hard. It's all about stride," said the cat horse trainer. The mini horse must take 34 strides to equal one stride of the competing horses.

Dubai to buy London, host Super Bowl?

With the announcement last week that the NFL is considering holding its championship game overseas in London other international cities have begun to show interest in hosting America's most popular sporting event.

The Super Bowl has never been held outside of the United States and, if it happens, the two most logical host cities should be, taking into account the time difference issue, either Toronto or Mexico City. So many fans and players were surprised, to say the least, at London being named a leading candidate for the game. (Hmmm, February in London or Miami?)

The NFL has hinted that the first international Super Bowl would be held in an English or Spanish-speaking city. The league, therefore, has politely turned down significant interest from Dubai, Paris, Beijing, Stockholm, Tokyo, Reykjavik and Perth.

Dubai, United Arab Emirates, however, has now indirectly reentered the picture as a possible host city for the Super Bowl. The city, which has profited enormously from UAE's oil reserves, has publicly stated it will buy any city that is awarded the game, dismantle the city, transport the city and reassemble the city in Dubai to host the Super Bowl.

After the game concludes Dubai will also cover the cost of returning the city to its original country. This is a herculean effort to host a 60-minute sporting event.

"If it happens to be London then ... we will buy London, then move London here to host the Super Bowl," said Said Adem, a Dubai sports and recreation department official. "We have indoor skiing for Pete's sake. I think we can pack up and move an entire city."

"There's nothing we can do about it," said NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell. "We have to go to where the host city is at the scheduled time of the game."

Last month Dubai began constructing Super Bowl Island in the shape of the Vince Lombardi Trophy in the warm Persian Gulf waters just off the coast adjacent to The Palm Dubai islands (pictured above). The $12 billion project was meant to show NFL executives that Dubai was, in fact, serious about hosting the game.

The island--actually a series of over 250 smaller islands--will include an 85,000-seat stadium and one medium-sized rental villa for each fan attending the game. The islands will all be lined with beaches containing only the highest quality sand. Each grain will be hand picked and trucked one-grain-at-a-time from UAE's deserts to the project site. During transport each grain will be engraved with an NFL factoid, which fans can read using Super Bowl Island's beach microscopes.

(Three years ago Dubai attempted to host an NFL preseason game and created a small island named: NFL Preseason Game Island. The NFL was not impressed, even by the island's 65,000-seat stadium built solely for an NFL preseason game. The league chose not to hold a game in UAE and Dubai later apologized saying that "it really was a very small island.")

The earliest an international Super Bowl could be held is 2013, as each American venue to hold the game has been chosen through 2012. Dubai has made it clear that, should Super Bowl Island be completed before 2013, that it would not purchase and relocate an American city "out of respect for the game."

"In 2012 the Super Bowl is in Indianapolis and [Dubai Sports Managers] all agreed that even though [Indianapolis] is a smaller city, thus making relocation easier, we would not buy it and move it here," said Adem.

Dubai's sports and recreation department along with Dubai Sports Managers--a group that brings sporting events to the city--are very optimistic that the rapidly growing metropolis will one day welcome an NFL Championship game.

"Oh, we'll definitely be hosting the game sometime soon," said Adem. "The real question is what city will we also be hosting?"

Tree company fooled by tree cell tower

Since 1999 many cell phone towers have been designed and built to resemble trees to better blend into their surrounding environment. The first pine cellular tower--now available in palm, oak and banzai models--was created by Mark Lorraine and erected in Woonsocketwrench, RI, during the middle of a mild April night. The town's people never realized it was a cell tower and credited a diet high in iron for the improved cell phone coverage.

Most tree cell towers are extremely detailed with synthetic accessories to help bring the tree to life including: bark, pine cones, needles, branches, sap and rings on the interior of the trunk. Fake needles and several fake pine cones are often spread around the base of the tower to lend even more authenticity.

On Monday a tree service company erroneously brought down a tree cellular phone tower along the Pennsylvania Turnpike near Woodmont, PA, about 17 miles north of Center City Philadelphia.

The company ChainCame, Chainsaw, ChainCut Landscaping took 12 hours to remove the tower, but would have only taken five had they felled the adjacent real pine that was leaning precariously toward the highway. The mistake created a dead zone for passing motorists and area residents.

In the beginning the "branches" of the tower offered little resistance to the men working with pole chainsaws and loppers and they quickly began to work on the body of the 80ft tower.

"There were lots of sparks coming from the chainsaw, but we all figured it was one of those really strong pine trees ... that sparked," said Kenny Delzem, a laborer with the tree service company, after cutting into the "trunk."

The crew was continuously sharpening and lubricating the overheated saws and was finally forced to abandon this method. Eventually, the group went to Plan B--axes and hatchets ... lots of axes and hatchets.

"We haven't used axes to take down a tree in a long time, but it was a lot like hacking a bike. You never forget," said Delzem.

Twenty axes and ten hours later, the tower was reduced to an enormous mound of metal shavings (top picture) after being forced through a wood chipper by the 20-member crew who were all nearly deafened by the sound and blinded by the sparks.

"Talk about a fireworks display," said Tylerton "We kept jamming it into the chipper over and over again. At one point we used a truck to push it into the chipper. Something wasn't quite right."

It was not revealed to the tree service company that they had removed a tree cell tower until they attempted to sell the grounded up behemoth as mulch to a local garden center yesterday.

"We drove the chippings to the garden center and the manager, after looking at the mulch, asked me if this was some kind of a joke," said Bob Entelli, president of the landscaping company.

The crew and the staff at the store all had a good laugh when the foreman announced: "I don't get where all the sap came from."

Most people don't.

City, team celebrate walkoff walk

Above, fans pack into the streets surrounding Philadelphia's City Hall soon after center fielder Shane Victorino walked to force in the game-winning run on Saturday afternoon against the Mets. The team passed through the celebration aboard double-decker buses and continued down Broad St to the stadium complex.

Vegetarians referring to Swine outbreak as Toflu

The Swine Flu alert level reached 5 on Wednesday (or level magenta-sienna-peach-echo-bravo-niner on the Tom Ridge scale) raising fear and surgical mask prices throughout the U.S. (Walmart is launching a designer line of masks on Saturday.) The mere mention of the name itself sends oinks down the swine, er, spine. Because of this, a group of vegetarians have begun referring to the Swine Flu epidemic as Toflu. "Toflu sounds much less scary and is a lot more meatless," said Earl Harbinger,52, a vegan from York, PA. People for the Ethical Treatment of Tofu(PETT) objected to the name change: "C'mon, give us a break over here with that kind of stuff."

This time letter omission deliberate and for good cause

In a forgotten corner of Washington, DC's Ellipse (ellipse corner?) stands a rusted, slovenly statue of a little known American general. The 9ft figure was dedicated in 1983 to honor the Vietnam War veteran General Edward S. Ngton (pronounced ngton), a highly decorated soldier-turned-general. The statue's current condition reflects just how far the hero has fallen from the public's thoughts—although, pigeons seem to recall.

This is where the Washington Nationals enter the picture. Last week, at the fault of a uniform company, two Nationals players wore jerseys with the letter "O" missing from the team's name—Natinals. Yesterday, playing against the Phillies in Philadelphia, another letter went misplaced as the team donned shirts with no "I" in the city's name—Wash ngton.

"[Yesterday's omission] was not a mistake," said Pat Ulmer, Nationals director of marketing. "This was done to raise public awareness of the neglected General Ngton statue in President's Park."

The message was clear on the jersey: Wash Ngton. It's a direct challenge to the city of Washington and the federal government to wash, polish, clean or do whatever necessary to restore the lost luster to the general's likeness standing in the shadow of the White House.

"Yes, the government should step in," said Katy Donnbach, 39, a Nats fan from Adams Morgan. "But so too should the citizens of DC. Ngton led the fight for DC government representation for goodness sake."

More than his efforts in the war—Ngton was born in Hanoi and moved to DC at age four—the general is known for his vigorous campaign for the District of Columbia to have taxation with representation.

As it currently stands, Washington, as noted on the city's license plates, has taxation without representation. The District, a federal zone and not a state, taxes its businesses and citizens yet they have no voting representation in either the Senate or the House of Representatives.

Ngton, behind his war valor, fastidiously lobbied Congress to grant statehood to Washington, which would have given its residents their deserved voice. Ngton organized thousands of rallies and was the editor of Dumb Tax, a quad-monthly leaflet.

"This is the reason the statue is holding 50 thumb "tax" in the right hand and one "dumb" tack in the left hand," said Senator Arlen Specter(R), er (D).

"The uniform company did not commit a second error," reiterated Ulmer. "We proudly omitted the "I" for the general. Now let's wash Ngton."

Rescued ship captain a huge fan of Spinal Tap

New York--The rescued captain turns his hat to eleven. "I wear the hat that Rob Reiner wears in the movie whenever I'm on the sea commanding a ship," said Captain Richard Phillips, during a tell-all interview with MSNBC. Phillips was referring to the USS Coral Sea hat worn in the hit mocumentary This is Spinal Tap. The hat was with the captain during his time as a hostage with Somali pirates. "I actually sent the Navy Seals back for the hat after I left it in the pirates' boat. Those guys are awesome."

White House: 'Flyby was scheduled for April 1st.'

New York City received quite a scare yesterday when a 747 jetliner flew unnecessarily close to the Manhattan skyline while being closely pursued by two fighter jets. The plane, as it turns out, was Air Force One, however,President Obama was not on board.

The low-flying jet sent paranoid office workers and commuters into the already crowded streets where individuals prepared for the very worst.

"I really thought we were in for another horrible day," said Freddie Salmon, a downtown office worker employed near the Battery. "We all evacuated the building and stared into the sky. I mean really stared."

The White House released a statement saying that the Manhattan flyover was originally scheduled for April 1st as a prank, but that the original memo calling for the stunt was "caught up in other paperwork."

Pilots, receiving the memo late, were only told that it was for a public relations photo op and decided to carry out the plan despite its almost one month tardiness.

We recognize the seriousness of this incident and want to apologize profusely to the understanding citizens and workers of New York City. We in no way set out to alarm residents today, but sought to alarm residents almost four weeks ago on April 1st.

Had the fly over occurred on its intended date of April Fool's Day we would not be apologizing, but would be accepting congratulations for a prank well done. It is our belief that New Yorkers would have found such a stunt clever and, eventually, comical after creating only minor hysteria. The intern responsible for the misplaced memo has been terminated.

New York's Mayor Michael Bloomberg tried desperately to contact Chesley Sullenberger, the Hudson River water pilot hero, for advice on how to handle the incident.

"I called Sully, but there was no answer," said Bloomberg, who also claims to have tweeted the highly celebrated pilot several times yesterday. "He's been avoiding my calls, but I genuinely felt this was a legitimate reason to call."

Yesterday, Air Force One flew under the spans of several East River bridges including the Brooklyn Bridge and Williamsburg Bridge. This was after the jetliner nearly touched down in Central Park and came within inches of both the Chrysler and Empire State Buildings.

Then in a daring maneuver, after turning west toward New Jersey, the plane flew between the financial district's skyscrapers to enter the Holland Tunnel and emerged over the Garden State seconds later.

"When I saw Air Force One fly into the Holland Tunnel I knew it was a prank," said Harriet Wilson,55, a Port Authority worker. "Others were still worried, but I knew only Air Force One could do something like that."

US Air using long overhead compartments to attract rowers

US Airways is refitting 8 of its Boeing 747's—under 2% of its fleet— in an effort to attract more passengers flying to Philadelphia this spring. The target market is the collegiate rowing teams throughout the country traveling to City of Brotherly Love—a US Air hub—for the Dad Vail Regatta.

The regatta is the largest intercollegiate rowing competition in the country, where entries can surpass the one hundred mark and often do. This year the event falls on May 8th and 9th.

The jetliners are being refitted so that individual overhead compartments will be joined to form one long storage area to accommodate rowers' sculls (boats).

Programs attending the race come from as far away as California, Alaska and, yes, even Hawaii, forcing athletes into long, exhausting road (or boat) trips and unnecessary time away from classes.

California's Pepperdine University has booked the first flight offering this service and the rowers all seem to be looking forward to the shorter travel time.

"We usually drive cross-country to Philly for the race, which is exhausting," said Pepperdine's head coach John Farrows. "We will be much more energized this year and the boats will feel like they are more part of the team."

Ten years ago the University of Hawaii crew team was forced to row, for ten days, from Honolulu to the California coast because no airline could easily fit their sculls. Arriving in Los Angeles they chartered a bus and trailer to Philadelphia, needless to say, that was their first and last Dad Vail Regatta—they finished one place below last.

"It was a harrowing experience," said Rainbows head coach, Hugh Kellerman, about the journey from Hawaii to California. "We lost five good rowers during that crossing. Yes, we're going to Philly this year, but on US Air."

Sculls will be loaded and offloaded through the cockpit windshield in the front of the plane with the help of the pilots, copilots and flight attendants. Then after being carried down the aisle, rowers will takeover to hoist the boat overhead and into place, much like loading onto a trailer.

Overhead units are not the only feature to be refitted, as seats will be elevated several inches so that up to four boats fit comfortably under the two rows. This brings the total capacity for sculls to six per 747.

"We're pleased with the response to the new product," said US Air public relations manager, Leslie Bayliss. "We have sold ticket packages to over 20 schools including Anchorage State (their first regatta), Michigan Agriculture & Mining, Seattle and Northern Cal."

Sadly, the elongated compartments and elevated seats mean no pillows or blankets and a massive loss in legroom. Stiff necks, pneumonia, and leg cramps are expected to be only minor side effects from the prescribed refitting.

American finishes 1st (2nd and 3rd) in Boston Marketathon

In the 12th annual Boston Marketathon American, Ryan Delton, 32, from Rapahonick, MA, took home the Golden Stuffing Trophy for the second time in three years. Americans have dominated the event from its inception in 1995 capturing the top ten spots every year except 1999—that year a Canadian finished second.

The Boston Marketathon is a highly competitive and selective 26.2 mile driving, eating and running race. Participants are required to eat one meal at all 17 Boston-area Boston Markets in no more than five hours by way of car, but may only drive 26.2 miles while running (or walking) the remaining distance.

"It takes a lot of planning," said Jenny Shoemaker, race organizer, about the strategy for winning. "There is no set course. Eaters have to find the most efficient way to use the allotted 26.2 miles of driving to reduce overall foot miles."

Required menu items include: three Chicken Carver Sandwiches, one Meatloaf Carver and two Crispy Country Chicken with Country Gravy meals. Runners may choose any other meals from the menu to complete the 17 needed and must consume one piece of cornbread at each sitting.

Several "Gravy Tables" will be set up to provide runners with hydration during the running portion of the race. Last year's lemon-lime flavored gravy will be unavailable this year due to copyright laws with the name Gravy-ade.

This year's Marketathon was the largest yet drawing 253 racers from 41 states and 18 countries. The top non-American finisher was Sean MacDunagy from New Zealand who finished 22nd. As the overall competition heats up so too does the macaroni and cheese.

"Rotisserie chicken topped with fresh lettuce and tomatoes, aged Cheddar, and our own creamy Dijon mayo. Served on your choice of a white or multi-grain roll. Tender breaded, all-white chicken breast baked until crisp and topped with creamy country gravy," sang Delton, the event's anthem to the tune of God Bless America, while standing atop the podium yesterday.

HARRY'S CLASSIC CALLS

"SING ON A LONG DRIVE." Harry's answer to 'What would you do to pass the time on a cross-country road trip?' during an interview with Comcast SportsNet's Michael Barkan in August of 2005.


"I just went down to the concession stand and they were OUTTA BEER."—During a late-inning blowout victory over the Chicago Cubs in 2003.


"GREAT CRAB!"—At the urging of Phillies fans in a packed seafood restaurant in Stone Harbor, NJ, Harry stood and called out his fondness for the local crustaceans during MLB's All-star break in 1995.


"WATCH THAT BABY!"—After Phillies second baseman Juan Samuel ripped a foul ball into the first base stands at Veteran's Stadium narrowly missing a newborn child in July 1987.


"And from the land of HIGH FLOWERING RYE..."—Announcing Chris Coste, Phillies catcher, who hails from the large rye-producing state of North Dakota.

RIP Harry

97 years later Titanic iceberg still at large

Halifax, Nova Scotia—Ninety-seven years after the R.M.S. Titanic was struck by an iceberg in the north Atlantic Ocean, sinking the ship and killing 1,527 passengers, the massive frozen "island" still roams free today. On the night of April 14, 1912 the cold, sadistic iceberg committed the heinous crime only to float quietly into the frigid night.

In January of 1913 the ship's owners—the White Star Line—placed the Nova Scotia division of the Canadian Naval Police (CNP) in charge of the investigation because of its proximity to the site of the sinking. The White Star Line had tried unsuccessfully for almost nine costly months to apprehend the iceberg.

Over the years authorities have questioned hundreds or perhaps thousands of icebergs, but have never been able to pinpoint the culprit. As recently as 2005 an iceberg displaying brown horizontal line markings, possibly made from the hull of a ship, was arrested and later released when police confirmed the color of the Titanic did not match.

Most agree, however, 1944 was the closest this case came to being solved. During World War II the North Atlantic was overflowing with war ships and submarines. A report of a strange glacial mass containing a single Titanic life preserver flooded into the CNP headquarters in Halifax both from the Allies and the Germans—there were numerous German passengers aboard the Titanic. When the CNP arrived at the given coordinates only the preserver was found with no iceberg in sight.

"As the years pass we lose more and more eyewitnesses," said Ramty Coobers, a high seas crime specialist with the CNP. "There are only a handful of survivors remaining who can positively ID the guilty one."

Police are still going on the most accurate description of the iceberg from an anonymous survivor on that disastrous night almost 100 years ago:

It struck the ship with such mercilessness and rage. It rose into the sky as far as I could see. If I had to guess, maybe, eight stories tall. It was wide, wider than wide could be, probably the width of two football (soccer) fields. Oh, and it was extremely icy ... like a big block of ice. Ice all over the place. Yeah, that's right, it was like a big ice mountain I tell ya. An unsinkable ice mountain.

The Nova Scotia authorities feel that global warming may have greatly altered the iceberg's appearance, which could make identifying the mass almost impossible. Other experts claim a strong possibility exists that the original mass may have broken into several smaller 'bergs. Icebergs have been known to do this when attempting to conceal their identity.

"There's a good chance the iceberg is about one fourth or one fifth the size it was in 1912," said Coobers. "It may look completely different because our atmosphere is warming."

Some CNP officers did take some relief in knowing that if the iceberg has not yet already melted away then it will most assuredly be gone within ten or fifteen years.

"That would not make me feel any better." said special agent Veronica Nelson, with regards to the iceberg melting naturally. "My father, my father's father and my father's father's father worked this case. I want to catch this thing before it melts. I personally want to be the one who puts a hairdryer to this thing."

The other theory is, in a desperate attempt to run from authorities, the iceberg risked a long journey southward toward Antarctica and was unable to survive the warm air and water temperatures that make their home in the tropics.

Whatever the clues or theories may be, this destroyer of luxury passenger ship lines never paid the price for that egregious act on that early spring night ninety-seven years ago.

Siren usually signaled for Twister not twisters

Sillenger, AK--The deadly tornadoes that ripped through this secluded community, and much of the southeast last week, left a path of unimaginable destruction. The vicious storms also sparked widespread fires leaving hundreds homeless. Because Sillenger has been lucky enough to dodge the path of category-rated tornadoes for the last 25 years the town's preparedness was, in essence, null. This became apparent when the U.S. Tornado Investigation Authority (USTIA) discovered that Sillenger's twister sirens, fixed high atop the town's unstable water tower, have not been sounding for wind-manufactured twisters, but have been sounding for Milton Bradley-manufactured Twisters (not the baseball player). "The town was very flexible during the investigation," said a USTIA official. After years of tornado-less tornado seasons, Sillenger's populace elected to use the alarm system to signal game time. The game of choice for this close-knit borough of 879 is Twister--the colored-dot-mat-contortion game. "The sirens were sitting there rusting away and so we used them to alert everyone that it was time to play Twister," said Sillenger's mayor, Betsy Rumbard. "People played at home or in the community center and it brought us all closer together." When the alarm sounded last Friday, instead running from the twister citizens ran toward the Twister ... with deadly results.

GM to Congress: 'We will build Yugos!'

Detroit, MI--General Motors Corporation announced a plan to save the company from dissolving, which, if happens, would put over 200,000 autoworkers worldwide into the unemployment line. Though the price of oil has dropped, compared to mid-2008 levels, American car manufacturers are still reeling from the troubled economy. The plan calls for the world's largest automaker to exclusively produce Yugos--and some Yugo SUV's-- and 'only borrow a little bit more money from the U.S. government.' Yugos, whose production ended last November, were Yugoslavian (Serbian) affordable, subcompact cars, arriving on the U.S. auto market in the 1980's. The plan was presented to the United States Congress on Thursday in a well organized, 200-slide PowerPoint presentation complete with over 1100 pie charts and pie graphs. "There were a lot of circular charts and graphs and, frankly, they were very convincing. The Yugo idea is brilliant. I bought one in 1987 for $350 and it came with a case of Keystone Light, which, of course, I refused," said U.S. Senator, Robert Casey Jr.(PA).

Somali pirates refer to hostages as Gopher, Doc, Isaac or Vicki

Mogadishu, Somalia–Somali pirates have struck once again this time attacking an American-operated ship reportedly transporting relief aid (cargo specifics have not been confirmed). The waters off the Horn of Africa have become a pirates' playground for passing cargo and passenger ships for several years.

Based on survivors' accounts, an attack usually begins with the pirate ship spotting a possible victim then steering the smaller, quicker vessel alongside the ship. The Somali pirates then simulate a party on deck complete with music, food and dancing.

This only lasts for several minutes before the pirates uncover AK-47's and grenade launchers to fire warning shots into the air and shout "pull over" into a large cardboard megaphone. Despite their large cache of weapons, very few hostages have ever been hurt during the attacks.

"We thought they wanted to party," said Greg B., a navigation mate aboard an oil tanker, which escaped an attack last month. "[The tanker crew] came on deck and we were all dancing. I never would have guessed they were pirates. Man, those pirates can dance. Luckily, we got out of there before they could come aboard."

Most of the Somali pirates are able to at least speak broken English enabling them to communicate at an elementary level with the ship's crew to make ransom demands. Some pirates, however, have a strong command of the language from watching and studying American television and film.

While there are many Somali pirates—some experts estimate thousands—they all seem to share one quirky trait--perhaps, rooted in their English studies. The pirates almost always refer to the seized crew members individually, even on cargo ships, as characters from the 70's and 80's American television show The Love Boat. Often attempting to match the character name to the hostage holding the identical position.

"One pirate threatened our ship's purser saying,'How you like that Gopher? Gopher like?' while threatening him with a pistol. How does he know about Gopher?" said Jim Tyler, a survivor from last October's pirate attack on the British ship Thames the Breaks.


The leader of a January 2008 pirate attack, however, was unable to pronounce Stubing, as in the Pacific Princess' Captain Merrill Stubing. Hostages tried desperately to keep themselves from laughing in front of the pirate who repeatedly mangled the pronunciation.

"The man in charge[pirate] kept screaming Stubbin' and not Stubing," said survivor Carol Daniels. "We all knew who he was referring to."

Strangely, the pirates usually call the female hostages Vicki no matter what their position on the ship. In addition, borrowing the trademark pose from the show's bartender, Isaac Washington, the sea criminals will smile and point both index fingers with arms bent when the captured crew readily cooperates or when receiving ransom payments.

In the age of satellites and pirated DVD's (Somali pirates claim they do not pirate DVD's) American television can be seen most anywhere on the globe from the great deserts to the highest peaks. Government officials in Somalia, Yemen and Kenya along with the CIA believe the pirates use the show as a training video to better understand the layout and the crew of a potential target.

"Our intelligence tells us they've been studying The Love Boat for some time," explained CIA official, Frank Tenley. "We hope to God they don't get a hold of Riptide."

Organizers still scrambling a month before huge Chunnel celebration

On May 6, 2009, the largest party ever, celebrating a tunnel, will be held in Folkestone, England in honor of the Channel Tunnel's 15th anniversary. Still the world's longest tunnel beneath a body of water, the Chunnel connects Great Britain to mainland Europe, which is why many in Britain also refer to the passage as the Continent Connector.

"There are still so many things that need to be completed before the big day," said Megan Worthington, Chunnel marketing manager responsible for the British half of the anniversary celebration. "There's tea to be made, crumpets to be heated and rain to be expected."

English footballer David Beckham will make an appearance to dribble a commemorative soccer ball half the length of the 30-mile tunnel then passing off to former French footballer Zinedine Zidane. The two will have a commemorative handshake and commemorative headbutt before the French star continues the dribble into France.

"We still don't have the Chunnel logos imprinted on the balls," said Worthington, who took this task on personally. "If you want something done right ..."

In addition to athletes partaking, actors Jude Law, Keira Knightley and Kate Winslet will perform a short play depicting the history and importance of the tunnel to Britain and northern France.

Arts and crafts makers from all over the United Kingdom will sell their wares at a carnival set up at the entrance of the Chunnel, which, incidentally, will be closed to rail travel for the entire day.

"I've spent the last year making these," said Laura Chaucer, pointing to a large pile of 'Chunnel' leg warmers and oversized wrist bands depicting one of the seven wonders of the world. "It's like putting your leg or arm right into the Chunnel."

There will also be a potato sack race that runs the length of the tunnel, a 30+ mile hop to France. French officials said they expect each race participant to pass through customs at the halfway point.

The How Many People Can Fit In the Chunnel stunt still does not have a moderator as claustrophobia has frightened most potential hosts away.

Planners are crossing their fingers that Jude Law and company remember their lines, Laura's leg warmers stay dry and potato sack hoppers remember their passports.

"I think we'll be ready," said Worthington. "I'm just going a little bit mental right now because it's the 15th anniversary of the Continent Connector. I totally feel for the person in charge of the French tribute to the tunnel."

New Citi Field further from La Guardia, noise

New York, NY—The New York Mets expect jetliner noise to be slightly less of a problem this year with the opening of their new stadium Citi Field (not pictured). The new field is located adjacent to the team's former home, Shea stadium (pictured, top stadium on right). The team has forever battled plane noise do to its proximity to La Guardia Airport (top of photo), less than a mile away. "Even though the new stadium will be only several hundred feet further west it will make a difference. Although, probably not a big difference, but it could make a huge difference," said Professor Frank Neuman, Queens College sound reverberation expert.

In 222 and 222A disputes are settled with cotton candy, curtains

Fighting has long been controversial in hockey, but in recent years its existence and usefulness has been strongly contested. Many ask, how can a legitimate sport allow two people to viciously attack one another with real intent to harm? How do league executives allow such brutality in such a graceful sport? And, incidentally, what's with all the ice?

The Philadelphia Flyers, and most NHL executives, want hockey to be for everyone, but the club realizes that fighting may not be suitable for all fans and may be driving some away. Because of this the team is offering fans attending the games—mostly parents with small children—the opportunity to be shielded from the often gory fracases.

The organization has offered two family seating sections in the Wachovia Center for some time. Sections 222 and 222A carry this designation and both fans and team officials have been delighted with the results. The family sections offer reasonably priced admission—$10 child tickets and $20 adult tickets. Fans sitting here are usually shown on the JumboTron at some point during the game and the popcorn and cotton candy vendors patrol the area like on safari.

“We have a blast,” said Mike Reynolds, father of 3 young sons who all recently attended the Flyers-Panthers game on March 26. “It’s affordable and most everyone sitting here is courteous and low-key. Oh, and the cotton candy is to die for.”

Most parents, however, choose to sit in the family section for one reason: hockey fights do not exist in 222-222A Wachovia Lane. When the gloves drop so too does an opaque curtain from the rafters of the Center that would make Broadway jealous. The heavy-duty curtain drops in front of the section as well as the adjacent aisle sides drowning out all sight of the ice and most arena sound.

“Originally, the curtain only dropped in the front of the sections blocking the view of the ice. Then parents became concerned over the effects of their children being able to hear neighboring [sections] 223 and 221A cheering the fight on. We extended the curtain coverage up the aisles,” said Flyers public relations manager Tim Kerrton.

“I love hockey and my kids all really love the game, but, frankly, I don’t want my children watching fights,” said Frank Dilinger, father of Caitlyn, 8, and Tyler, 10. “In most movies bare knuckle fighting, which draws blood, will earn that film a rating of PG-13 or PG-14 and the same standards should go for hockey.”

When the curtains are dropped a short video is projected onto the front "obstruction screen" showing a short video—The Greatest checks in Flyers History. As bodies hit the boards and Plexiglas shatters, speakers blare the Guns N’ Roses’ hit Welcome to the Jungle. The entire process takes only seconds and, when the fight concludes, only seconds more to bring the family sections back to game action and away from the video.

"When my classmates talk about the fights from the night before," said Tyler, "I laugh because there is no fighting in hockey. I laugh out loud."

So conscience of the NHL’s brutal fighting that one local giant cable company is offering parental control devices for blocking hockey fights from fans under the age of 21. Parents can now program their TV to block out the fisticuffs with a giant blue blob and replace excited, urging announcer voices with audio of blue whale cries from the North Pacific Ocean.

“The customers spoke and we listened,” said a representative from the giant cable company based in Philadelphia. "That's what we do."