A satirical look at the Philadelphia region and beyond. (All stories are fabricated, with no basis on fact.)
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Saturday, April 5, 2014
MLB: Original rooftop bleachers at Shibe Park 'thoroughly' complied with all modern safety standards
Above: Railings and fire exits were "Photoshopped out of the historic 1914 Shibe Park image for aesthetic purposes." A Major League Baseball representative: "Trust me, it wasn't like fans were just climbing onto rooftops chaotically and unsupervised. There was a process: ascend shaky wooden ladders and traverse narrow, unstable wooden planks in the rear of the row home to reach the first level. Then--usually with the help of alcohol--scramble up a fraying rope to hoist oneself up to the top roof level and the awaiting bleachers, which were constructed over the course of a weekend by the homeowner and a neighbor down the street who was recently fired from the local saw mill for stealing wood to make rooftop bleachers."
Friday, April 4, 2014
Redskins cut Jackson after report links WR to Toastmasters International
The report also claimed the former Eagle wideout is an "active, like, I mean, very active" Freemason.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin discuss adding humpback whales to Lake Michigan to spark 'some sort of whale-watching industry'
Though the fresh water lake cannot support the large mammals the four states feel it is "worth a shot."
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
2015 pope visit in jeopardy after Nutter, Corbett present His Holiness with 2-day-old cheesesteak, stale pretzels
The Philadelphia Mayor and PA Governor are in Vatican City to meet with Pope Francis to encourage the catholic leader to visit the city in September 2015 during the World Meeting of Families. The pontiff, wanting to be polite to the visiting delegation--who presented a "satchel of Philly gifts"--broke two teeth while biting into a rock-hard pretzel.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Citing high costs to repair floors, schools across country banning popular bobsled shoe fashion trend
Minneapolis--The XXII Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, ended nearly one month ago, but the games' ability to set global trends is running (er, skating) at full speed. One of the bigger fashion trends to emerge from the seaside resort town, in the shadow of the Caucus Mountains, was the bobsled shoe as casual footwear. Yes, the same shoes designed to provide built, sprinting athletes pushing bulky sleds with traction on ice are being worn by the "average Joe" to carryout everyday activities. One major problem has resulted, however, from school-aged children sporting the spiked gear.: floor damage. "We're not talking a few scrapes here," said Edward Johanson, principal at Bloomington Middle School in Bloomington, Minnesota. "I absolutely love that our children were inspired by the fantastic Winter Olympic Games. I love their passion. But the spikes are wreaking havoc on floors, and nearly all of the flooring in the school now needs replacing. Let's not even talk about the basketball court." This is not an isolated incident, as schools--malls, restaurants, and offices--across the country and around the world have started banning the metal-spiked bobsled shoes.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Not a Pop Up Gas Station: Opportunity for high-density, mixed-use development out as pumps go in at 19th & Walnut St
Fuel, coffee set to flow
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Report: Malaysian officials question Ashton Kutcher, producers of Punk'd
As the search for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 entered its 10th day, investigators followed up on "the best lead we have so far." The lead? A tweet sent late last night by @TheBeerKeg6401 read: "Yo, what if miss plane part of upcoming Punk'd season? #370 #notcool"
Monday, March 10, 2014
Sixers coping: Team treating losing streak like winning streak, but not the good kind of winning streak
"We're trying to look at this losing streak like a winning streak...so that it's a little bit easier to deal with," said one player about the club's sixteen losses in a row. "But, it's the kind of winning streak that you want to end. I know that sounds weird, but it helps...a little bit. It makes us sound like we've won sixteen straight. Does that make sense?"
Sunday, March 9, 2014
City: 'There are no potholes, only thousands of archaeological digs'
Did the city officially declare all potholes to be historic excavation sites in order to skirt repair responsibilities?
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Temple reinstates crew; baseball to play upcoming (and final) season at (baseball-unfriendly) Lincoln Financial Field
Having the baseball team play at the football-only Linc will save the school thousands of dollars in transportation costs to Ambler, PA, but will make for some very high scoring games. "It's gonna be a wild home campaign," said one player, referring to the "pathetically short" distance down the left field line.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Real potholes force city to abandon $10M fake pothole speed reduction program
Philadelphia-- The synthetic potholes quickly unroll onto the street and appear as authentic potholes, which was supposed to be a cost-effective approach to slow down motorists on targeted city streets. "The problem now is that there are just so many real potholes because of this winter's need for constant snow plowing and the freezing and thawing. So...when one of our fake holes sits right next to a real pothole, there just is no comparison. They just look silly...really silly. The real potholes have ruined our fake pothole program. [The City] is in the process of removing all the fake holes and will be auctioning them off on eBay. As soon as all the fake holes are removed and sold, we will begin repairing the real holes," said Gary Bensonton, an official with the Roads and Streets Division of the Philadelphia Association of Streets and Roads.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Latvian bobsled team blaming 5th-place finish on Latvian film crew's 'enormously impractical' front-mounted camera
"The documentary crew had an all-access pass to [the team] while in Sochi, we just had no idea the camera would be that large. It absolutely slowed our run times, but, to be honest, some of the footage is breathtaking," said one team member. "It was all worth it."
Friday, February 21, 2014
City, state reminding residents that fishing license still required for pothole fishing
Philadelphia--City and State officials "sternly" reminded residents that fishing in potholes is no different than casting a line from a lake or river's edge: you need a fishing license. For nearly fifteen years Pennsylvania has stocked sizable potholes throughout the state with a healthy variety of fish to "make the best of often horrible winter road conditions." The plan aimed to extend the fishing season, attract more anglers, and, in turn, increase license numbers, which would help pay for pothole repair during the spring season. "Fishing enthusiasts are forgetting or ignoring fees when it comes to potholes," said Doyle Grey, a representative at the PA Fish and Boat Association & Commission. "Sadly, people are like, 'Oh, it's a pothole, I don't have to worry about a license. Look at me, look how I ignore the rules.' It's frustrating. This money will help smooth out the potholes in the warmer months." A PA license runs $22.70 for adults between the ages of 16 to 64.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Minneapolis tells Vikings to 'get one more year out of Metrodome'
The team was scheduled to play at the University of Minnesota's stadium for two years while the new stadium was being constructed.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Winter Olympics: Controversy dampens Two-man Aerial Bobsled finals in Sochi
Canada takes home gold, but Norway and Russia each claim a third person was aboard the Maple Leaf sled.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Thursday, February 13, 2014
47th floor, open-air 'skywalk' to connect new Comcast tower to existing Comcast Center
Philadelphia--Nearly one month after Comcast announced plans for the 59-story Innovation and Technology Center, the mass media and communications giant, along with architects at Foster + Partners, revealed one final detail to the impressive project: a dramatic, 425-foot "skywalk." The cable-supported "bridge in the sky" will connect the new tower to the original, 58-floor Comcast Center at the 47th floor. The open-air walkway will be accessible year-round, providing employees and tourists with breathtaking, inimitable views of the city and beyond. Some predict it could become one of the city's most popular tourist attractions. The steel skyscraper connection will allow executives, primarily located in the Comcast Center to the east, to "pop-in" on the "techies and app guys," and provide easy access to the new hotel. "Though the top floors of the new building will be a hotel, the bridge will reduce the effort to go from, say, the 50th floor in the Comcast Center to the 37th floor in the Innovation Center," said Jane Filmore, an engineer with Thom+Jimz Engineering. "You know, going all the way down to the lobby, walking to the other lobby, and going up again could get to be a total drag." Comcast chose to exclude the "skyway" element from the January tower announcement due to unfinished negotiations with the Arch Street Presbyterian Church for air rights.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Major ice, snow storm topples Quinnipiac University pole
The twenty-foot pole had stood on the campus of over 8,000 students for several decades. The university promises to conduct a poll on whether or not to bring the pole back.
Power company reminding public to 'use extreme caution' when moving downed, live wires
"If the wires are sparking and smoking, please--I cannot stress this enough--use gloves or an old rag when grabbing the lines," said one local power company official. "Make sure the gloves or rags are dry."
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
New skyscraper interior rendering portrays 'very relaxed' atrium atmosphere
"This is extremely embarrassing, as we don't know how that particular publication made it into the rendering," said a representative from the firm that designed the tower. "I have a weird feeling, however, that it was this one intern that just might do something like this."
Monday, February 3, 2014
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Super Bowl: NFL slowly making transition from Roman to Maya numerals
"It's a great system the Mayans gave us, and [the NFL] wanted numerals from the Western Hemisphere. That's basically what it came down to. It may take some time to understand and get used to, but we'll all get it...we will," said Commissioner Roger Goodell, at a recent press conference. "I promise. Really, it's a much more straightforward system. C'mon, you guys."
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