A satirical look at the Philadelphia region and beyond. (All stories are fabricated, with no basis on fact.)
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Holiday party guests definitely noticed Sixers ornament on lower branch at back of tree
"I moved the ornament before the party started, but I think everyone saw it. I heard people whispering," said one party host.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Monday, November 2, 2015
Report: Bear Grylls offered Drew Brees tips on how to catch, eat animal mascots from 2015 schedule
Pelican Reef, LA--New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees appeared on the outdoor adventure television series "Running Wild with Bear Grylls" in early September in the Panama jungle. The British adventurer Bear Grylls and Brees teamed up to catch and eat a crocodile in the wild during the episode. At the conclusion of filming, Grylls insisted on to breaking down the Saints upcoming schedule to see what animal mascots the team would face. "[Bear] really got into it," said Brees. "He sat me down and went week by week through the schedule, and if the opponent was an animal mascot he spent, like, an hour on how to catch and eat that animal in the wild if the opportunity were ever to present itself. It was a little disturbing."
Friday, October 2, 2015
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Report: WMOF turned down millions to have PayPal as official sponsor of event: The PayPal Visit
WMOF officials wanted the Holy Father's visit to be known as the PayPal Papal Visit, but the online payment company held firm with PayPal Visit--negotiations broke down.
Friday, September 25, 2015
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Monday, August 24, 2015
Friday, August 14, 2015
Valley Forge Park to begin country's first tick tagging & tracking program
Valley Forge National Historical Park, PA--A radical wildlife tracking program is set to begin later this month at the 3,500-acre park that straddles the border of Montgomery and Chester Counties. On August 27, scientists will begin catching, tagging, and releasing hundreds of ticks to better understand the park's expansive population of parasitic arachnids. "We want to know their movements, what animals and people they're mostly attaching to, what they eat," said tick expert Joanna Petrick, a professor at nearby Tredyffrin University. Technology has made this groundbreaking study possible, which is mostly being funded by a grant from the American Revolution Foundation. After catching each tick, a "microscopic tracker"--five times smaller than the diameter of a human hair--will be affixed to the back of each tick. One nearby resident, a financial adviser with no knowledge of the park's fauna, estimates the tick population at around five billion. "I'm basing that number on nothing other than there certainly seems like there are five billion ticks in Valley Forge Park," said the resident. Kids can log onto the park's website and track their favorite ticks, as staff will name the first one hundred tagged and released.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Friday, July 31, 2015
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Monday, July 13, 2015
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Mayor insists that ad to 'come celebrate town's 241st Fourth of July parade' is no typo
"We declared our independence on July 4, 1774. Yep, we were the first--and actually had an elaborate parade that day--but it cost us dearly. About half the town was shot down by the creek the next morning."
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Nautical revelers very confused as Tall Ships Festival simply a model ship exhibition
"I thought they were going to be full-size ships, not models," said Dennis Harris, a Medford, NJ, resident. "I paid $85 for a 90-minute Delaware River cruise aboard a tall ship. How does that work? It's not the Small Ships Festival"
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Friday, June 19, 2015
Papal Visit: Philadelphia, MontCo, ChesCo, to purchase lots of 15-passenger pedicabs for Schuylkill River Trail transport into, out of city
Philadelphia--Yesterday, the city, in partnership with Montgomery and Chester Counties, revealed an ambitious plan to turn forty miles of the popular Schuylkill River (multi-use) Trail into a "major transportation artery" for the Pope Francis visit in September. How? Pedicabs...lots of them. In fact, the three counties, using a $700K grant from the Papal People Partnership, will purchase two hundred, fifteen-passenger pedicycles to be used to (slowly) shuttle visitors into and out of the city on September 26 and 27. Pedicabs will leave from Pottstown, Spring City, Phoenixville, Oaks, Norristown, Conshohocken, Spring Mill, Manayunk, and East Falls. The journey from Pottstown to Center City, roughly forty miles, via the human-powered cabs could take about five hours--if all passengers are truly pedaling and there is a generous tailwind. No other bicycles will be permitted on the trail on September 26 and 27 to clear the way for the cabs. "This is really going to take the pressure off our roads and rails," said Gary Saint Jasperson, interim operating manager of the Ches-Mont Transportation Authority. "But the plan can only work if all fifteen passengers are pedaling." Additionally, the city and Septa announced that Paoli train station will be the only suburban rail station operating on the entire Septa regional rail network during the Saturday and Sunday of the World Meeting of Families. "If you live in Bucks County or New Jersey, for example, and you want to use regional rail to get into the city, you must drive to Paoli," said Saint Jasperson. "Yes, it will be crowded in Paoli, but we'll have plenty of orange cones set up. Really, we just purchased about seventy-five brand new orange cones."
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Monday, June 1, 2015
Friday, May 29, 2015
Memorial Day barbecue turns into intense brainstorming session on how to spend entire summer in Spruce St Harbor Park hammock
Topics such as bathroom breaks, beer refills, and park hours were debated over and over again.
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| Image:VisitPhlly |
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Customer carefully reviewing wide beer selection at Wegmans Craft Your Own Pack section quietly filling carrier with six Budweisers
Upper Merion, PA--Harry Oliver is not into the craft beer movement. He is, quite simply, "a Budweiser, Coors, Miller kind of guy." Oliver is in the minority among his friends of late twenty-somethings who regularly make pilgrimages to local brew pubs to taste the latest creation of a mad brewer. "I don't need cinnamon or pumpkin in my beer," said a defensive Oliver. "I just don't." But the system analytics coordinator of analysis doesn't particularly like to advertise that he's not aboard the craft beer express. "Yes, I could go to Wegmans and simply buy a six pack of Budweiser, but I like to go to the build-your-own-six-pack section, look intensely over all of the beers like I'm really interested in them, pick one up, read it, put it back, then, when no one or few are looking, quickly put a Budweiser into the carrying case," explained Oliver, referring to his beer-buying excursions to the supermarket chain. "I won't take all six at one time. I'll slowly build the pack with all 'weiser or Miller, while acting like I give a damn about the other beers. I know it's a bit phony, but there's a lot of pressure to be into local craft beer. A LOT of pressure." The King of Prussia resident admits he gets strange looks when other customers--building six packs with micro beers, agonizing over each selection, debating which bottle or can has earned the right to fill one of the six coveted slots of the cardboard holder--get a glance of Oliver's macro beer lineup. Notes: Oliver claims to have found away around the "no more than two (2) of one variety of beer rule" when building a six pack but would not divulge.
Friday, April 17, 2015
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