NFL investigating why Chip Kelly left time spent at Southern New Hampshire University, as offensive coordinator of an online freshman football team, off resume

Philadelphia--The  SNHU online squad, whose only opponent was a freshman team at the University of Phoenix, went 1-10 against the Arizona-based school that year. Coaches and players for each team, who lived all across the country, never met and only played the games and practiced as a group via the internet and occasional videoconferencing. "It's a real interesting football program that we got here," said Southern New Hampshire's athletic director, Al Smith, from his year-round home in Nebraska. "It calls for lots of coordination and planning, but it works and we're getting better. We went 3-8 against U of P this season." Did Kelly leave the four-month position off his resume simply because of the 1-10 record? The NFL is determined to find out.

President of Portugal calls Garrett McNamara 'the craziest son of a bitch on the planet who is welcome anytime in my country'

Above: Big-wave surfer Garrett McNamara rides a giant wave off the Portuguese coast north of Lisbon. The wave is believed to be the largest ever ridden by a surfer, possibly breaking McNamara's own record set over a year ago. The president of Portugal, Anibal Cavaco Silva, praised McNamara's accomplishments and has credited the surfer for giving Portugal invaluable publicity. "Garrett is not quite right in the head, I think we can all agree, but I love that he is a risk taker. It reminds me of myself a little bit," said a smiling president. Silva, who is somewhat known for his sense of humor, presented McNamara with a custom-made straitjacket adorned with the Portuguese flag.

Photoshopped: National Geographic photographer breaks under interrogation, admits adding '3 or 4 spots' to sea leopard in award-winning image

Flyers ready for franchise's first day-night doubleheader in Florida

Sunrise, FL--The Philadelphia Flyers, already depleted by injuries and looking up in the standings, face a tough stretch in the schedule, including today's day-night doubleheader, the first in franchise history. However, it is not the only day-night double header of the season, it is merely the first of four--an unfortunate and unavoidable consequence of the lock-out-shortened, 48-game NHL schedule. After a 1 p.m. game today against the Florida Panthers the team will board a one-hour flight from Miami to Tampa for an 8 p.m. contest with the Lightning. "It's tough but you just psych yourself up and do what you have to do," said first-year captain Claude Giroux. Coaches and players expressed that the main concern was if the first game went into overtime or a shootout, delaying the arrival in Tampa. All thirty NHL teams will play at least three doubleheaders this year, while twelve teams play six, the maximum the league would allow. "The health of our players comes first," said Gary Bettman, NHL commissioner. "However, we needed to cram in games during days and times that were not ideal, and that, unfortunately, included scheduling many doubleheaders." The Flyers will fly from Tampa immediately following the game tonight to New York for a 10 a.m. Sunday matchup tomorrow morning with the Rangers.

New eHarmony televison commercial uses Te'o as a verb

Paranoid online dating sites are racing to repair perceived damage caused by the Te'o girlfriend hoax via television and print ads.

Seeking 'any publicity whatsoever,' NHL claims full responsibility for Te'o hoax

"Yeah, it was all us," said one NHL official. "Our bad. We did it. Yep, the whole thing. We're very sorry. Now, just show our logo everywhere and mention the NHL all over the place and we can all move on."

Oprah claims Armstrong opened up a 'little too much' during exclusive interview: 'The testicle in the jar on my mantel at home is plastic, I keep the real testicle in a safe in the billiards room.'

Though the interview has yet to air between the troubled ex-seven-time Tour de France winner and media mogul Oprah Winfrey, snippets of the candid talk have surfaced:

• Remember that marathon I ran a couple years back? Yeah, well, the truth is I didn't even want to run it.
• "I know this wasn't the question, but, yes, I do have hemorrhoids."
• "If I could go back, I'd probably change the doping part of my life."
• "I know it's strange, but I feel like the doping thing is what's gotten me into this whole mess."
• "But, really, if I was able to go back, that would mean somewhere along the line someone invented the time machine. And, realistically, someone--most likely me--would have gone back and warned the doping Lance that he was gonna get caught." 
• "The chub rub I experienced on some of the mountain stages of the Tour was awful. I'm talking about major bleeding, chafing."

Attempt to celebrate London Underground's 150th Anniversary with 1860s-era steam engine 'does not go so well'

Subterranean revelers waiting to ride and cheer on the antique steam train, once a fixture in the Underground, stumbled out of smoke-clogged subway stations gasping for air and mending watering eyes.

Lakers threaten to sue Jack Nicholson after actor spotted courtside at, um, well, a Clippers home game

The team said if they cannot sue Nicholson--the case will unlikely make it to court--they will attempt to keep the big screen star from attending future Clippers games by moving his familiar sideline Lakers seats "two or three inches" closer to the court. "He'll officially be the closest fan to the court, not only in the Staples Center, but the entire league," said one Lakers official. "He can't turn that down."

In celebration of 150th anniversary, London Underground finally eliminates famous gap

London--It took 150 years, but it finally happened. The famous gap between subway cars and the station platform that spurred the famous "Mind the Gap" warning to London Underground riders has been reduced to nothing. "It has long been the goal of the Underground to eliminate the gap, but the lack of technology prevented it from happening until now," said David Jensen, operating president of the massive London Underground. "We wanted it done in time for the 150th anniversary celebration, that was crucial." The transit agency won't say what that technology is, but it is clear, while riding one of the world's busiest subways, that, indeed, the gap is gone. "It is amazing," said Kathryn Winslet, 41, a resident of the Sonnington section of the city. "It looks like the train should become wedged as it enters the platform. But, somehow it works." Gap closure came at a hefty price, costing over fifty billion pounds to retrofit nearly all 270 stations. Due to the (sometimes violent) effort of historic preservationists, two stations--Shrewsberry Castle and Tussle-on-Sherry--were not modified. So, what will happen to the "Mind the Gap" signs and verbal announcements? "Currently, we are in intense negotiations with the GAP clothing company to turn the now meaningless phrase into advertisements. Perhaps: 'Mind the GAP,' it's right up the steps and two blocks down.' I don't know, something to that effect."   

Country's first high-speed rail line will connect rural eastern Nebraska to rural western Iowa

Norfolk, NE--It's finally here. The seemingly endless, in-depth studies are complete and the controversial funding is in place. All the hard work has finally paid off and the country's transportation system just got a little better with the go ahead to construct the nation's first high-speed rail project. No, not in California or Florida or the Northeast Corridor for that matter, but in America's heartland.

Soon, it will no longer take nearly three hours by car to travel from Norfolk, Nebraska, to Carroll, Iowa. The $112 billion, 150-mile long passenger rail project will reduce this trip to forty-seven minutes. Towns in between connected by the new route include: Wisner (population 1,104), Bancroft (pop. 502), and Decatur (pop. 500) in Nebraska. In Iowa, nine towns, not including Carroll, will be part of the system: Onawa (pop. 3,007), Turin (pop. 72), Soldier (pop. 178), Ute (pop 385), Charter Oak (pop. 512), Denison (pop. 8,392), Vail (pop. 451), Westside (pop. 298), and Arcadia (pop. 471).

Florida and California, each candidates for high-speed rail and each holding large populations, lost to the much more bucolic Nebraska-Iowa route. The official name of the project is NENEWCIA High-Speed Rail Project (NorthEastern NEbraska-West Central IowA). The passenger service is unofficially known as the HawkHusker Express, combining Hawkeye and Cornhusker from Iowa and Nebraska, respectively. The line, according to the U.S. High-Speed Rail Authority & Agency, "combines quickness and fastness mixed together in mind-boggling proportions."

Another Manhattan office tower bans whistling while working

Manhattan--The sign by the elevator eliminates any possible confusion: No whistling while working in this building! This is a 47-story skyscraper in lower Manhattan, where management has decided to wage war against whistlers after a recently published report showing precipitous declines in work production when employees generate the high-pitched sound while performing job tasks.

Property management agencies throughout the borough vehemently deny mounting pressure from individual tenant companies to ban whistling in order to pass off the possible legal ramifications resulting from such debatable actions.

Nonetheless, the movement is spreading. Just a few blocks west, closer to the Hudson River, the lobby of another building displays a temporary banner reading: This is a Whistling-free Building. (Security guards are quick to point out a more permanent placard has been ordered that will hopefully replace the banner by next week.)  A picture on the lower right of the banner shows a pair of lips whistling enclosed in a circle with a thick, red line slashing through the middle.

These are just two office towers adopting the controversial policy, but scores more across the 24-square-mile island have already passed the rule despite protests.

The reason behind the mass ban: A Bryn Mawr College study published in early December 2012. The report refutes the very foundation beneath the success of the Seven Dwarfs' work ethic: whistling while working.

NHL Lockout over: Not all players thrilled with new four-blade skate requirement

The move allows players to wear sneakers with the skates, which, league officials say, will increase comfort and safety exponentially for the high-flying athletes. Others claim it will slow down the game exponentially. "Yeah, I've used four-blade skates before ... when I was six-years-old," said one NHL right winger. "Yes, it's very comfortable, but, man, is it slow. You're basically running."

Source: Old Snickers television ad influenced Reid's decision to sign on as Kansas City head coach

At the formal contract signing, the ex-Eagles' coach reportedly asked team owner Clark Hunt why Chefs was spelled with an "i" throughout the multi-page document. "Reid had a very concerned look on his face when signing the contract," said one source present at the signing. "I think he really thought the team was the Chefs. Honestly, he looked almost sad. At one point, he took a break from signing and said, 'I just need a minute to gather myself, guys. You see, it's just that the Snickers ad ...' Then he just trailed off."

Public Service Announcement encouraging city residents to dispose of Christmas trees via kitchen garbage disposals

The television PSA, featuring husband and wife team Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick, suggests residents, "perhaps throw out a couple of branches each day over several weeks." What about the tree trunk? The ad covers this topic with a closeup shot of a very serious Bacon while he explains: "Garbage disposals are much stronger than you think, people. Yes, you can jam a reasonably-sized tree trunk into a disposal but be smart about it. Let's keep trees out of our landfills." Bacon also plugs his new show The Following throughout the 30-second spot.

Promotion gone bad: Dunkin' Donuts recalls millions of glazed donut spare tire covers

The popular coffee/donut chain warns customers that the Chinese manufacturer did not realize covers were supposed to be edible.

Year in Review: Matt Lauer callously uses simple knock-knock joke to fire co-anchor Ann Curry live on Today Show

New York--Lauer, fighting back laughter, told his co-anchor on live television that there is no crying in the morning talk/news show business, but later admitted this was simply an attempt to "cheer Curry up." After the public dismissal, where things got very uncomfortable when Curry became visibly upset over having to leave the show, Lauer looked directly into the camera and heartlessly, in a somewhat somber tone, said: "We'll be right back with an all new recipe for turning stale bagels ... into healthy snacks for your kids. A pretty great little recipe. We'll be right back." It is widely believed that the Curry firing resulted from the Today Show dropping from the number one morning show position in the ratings race.

Study: Countdown pedestrian crossing signals making better New Year's Eve planners out of all of us

You're ten, maybe twelve yards away from the intersection and the race is on. The countdown crossing signal is taunting you: ten, nine, eight. You break into a jog. You didn't want to go there but you had to. Seven, six, five--this is gonna be close, as the jog may not be enough. Four, three, two--by the way, have I made plans for New Year's Eve yet? One--damn, I missed the light and I really don't think I've secured New Year's plans and tomorrow is already the the Fourth of July.

The evidence is clear, countdown crossing signals, besides making pedestrians safer, have made foot travelers better prepared for welcoming in the New Year than ever before.

Urban planners admit that the latter result was very much unintended. Countdown signals were designed to replace the blinking hand, once considered revolutionary pedestrian crossing technology, which warned pedestrians to slow up, but, really was unable to clearly indicate when the blinking hand would become the solid hand (a stop sign). The blinking hand technology stranded millions in the middle of dangerous intersections worldwide.

"The countdown crosswalk has really done for street crossing safety what the parachute did for skydiving safety," said Thomas Baker, an urban planner in Queens, New York City. Baker helped develop the countdown signal during his time at Slow Technologies, Inc, a now-defunct transportation technology firm from Nassau County, NY, in the early 2000s. Baker and a coworker continued developing the device on their own after leaving SlowTech.

Pleasant mountain sleigh ride ends horribly when passengers are given complementary watered-down hot chocolate, rock-hard cookies back at lodge

Terrified passengers enjoyed the festive ride so much that they never saw the awful food and beverage coming.

ESPN secures rights to air NHL-NHLPA CBA negotiations, expecting much higher ratings than actual NHL games

Year in Review: E.U. wins Nobel Prize for developing vending machine that accepts all 27 members' coins

"It's simply remarkable that a single vending machine can accept that many different coins," said Thorbjørn Jagland, the chairman of Norway's Nobel Committee. "I mean, talk about advocating peace. I can't tell you how frustrated I would become when my Austrian coins would not work in France, or Italian coins in Belgium. All twenty-seven E.U. members pitched in to make this happen. The machines even accept Norwegian coins and we're not even in the E.U. Congratulations on a job well done, you deserve it."

Fiscal Cliff: Obama, Boehner censure members of Congress for wearing 'insensitive' Clifford, flying squirrel costumes

"This is a serious situation and the multiple members of Congress who showed up donning Clifford the Big Red Dog costumes and flying squirrel costumes should be ashamed," said a very stern President Obama. "Besides, these were very weak attempts to mock the 'Cliff' facing our great country."

NBC insisting Bob Costas change name to Rob Costas

Year in Review: MTA workers free whale from flooded NYC Subway tunnel 3 weeks after Sandy hits

New York City--Marine biologists called it a miracle when, on the day before Thanksgiving, transit workers freed SoFe the whale (named after the South Ferry subway station and pronounced Sophie) from a NYC subway tunnel via crane. It is believed that the record storm surge brought on by Hurricane Sandy carried SoFe into the station entrance, then the confused and frightened mammal attempted to swim down in order to escape trouble, where she became trapped inside the subway tunnel. Workers discovered SoFe on November 1, 2012, while pumping out the water from the submerged tracks. "I was connecting several hoses near the waters edge when I saw this huge mass moving toward me," said Brian McDevon, an MTA maintenance engineer. "I screamed, then SoFe let out a big blow. She was very friendly." It took whale specialists, engineers, and marine biologists nearly three weeks to free the whale because of her large size and unstable condition. "She was banged up a bit swimming down the stairs and she also had some turnstile scuff marks. She needed rest and time to recover before being moved," said McDevon. Workers provided SoFe great care during her time spent in the subway. And, residents from the surrounding neighborhoods of Lower Manhattan brought a variety of plankton-based dishes to feed her and help sustain her blubber before being released into the Atlantic Ocean on Thanksgiving Day.

NBA saves Winter Classic: Raptors to play Pistons outdoors at Michigan Stadium on New Year's Day

Detroit, MI--The two cities originally slated for the NHL's cancelled January 1st Winter Classic, Toronto and Detroit, will now have their respective NBA teams, the Raptors and Pistons, attempt to play an outdoor basketball game in front of more than 100,000 fans at Michigan Stadium in Ann Arbor. NBA commissioner David Stern denies the move is "kicking hockey when it's down," but instead argues the game is giving NHL fans a chance to "become better NBA fans and leave hockey for good." Because of legal reasons, the NBA cannot refer to the match up as the Winter Classic, but, after careful research and market testing, has decided to name the spectacle the Cold Weather Classic. (The other name finalist: The Colder Season Between Fall and Spring Classic.) The Pistons and Raptors have a combined eleven wins this season, but holding the game between two bad teams outside, in possible snow and wind, is expected to sell plenty of tickets.

Year in Review: Security cameras capture dramatic image of commuter hopping turnstile at PATH transit station

Port Authority Police never caught the individual "who so flagrantly and mockingly violated transit rules to save a lousy couple of bucks," and continue to ask the public to provide any information leading to an arrest.

Hygiene-obsessed Costco food sampler employee requires customers to use toothpicks even when featuring new potato chip flavor

Customers were forced to use two toothpicks like chopsticks in order to pick up the chips from the bowl. "Aren't toothpicks generally used for food samples that are soft, like cheese?" asked one very frustrated patron.

Report: Man given shoes by NYPD officer denies ties to 'Undercover Boss'

Twelve minute flight: Wanting to keep with road game routine, Ravens to fly from Baltimore to D.C. for contest against Redskins

Owing Mills, MD--John Harbaugh, like most N.F.L. head coaches, is a creature of habit and, well, a bit superstitious. For example, the Baltimore Ravens leader always drives on the right side of the road, wears the same shirt on gameday, uses the same plate for every meal (yes, he takes it with him), and only uses the up escalator to go down.

So it really should be no surprise that the former Eagles special teams general wants to fly from Baltimore to next door neighbor Washington, D.C., for this week's game against the 'Skins. The U.S. capital and Charm City are separated by only 30 miles.

Why? Simply to keep with routine and superstition. "Every road game for us involves a bus, an airport, and a flight. This year we flew to Philly and now we're gonna fly to D.C.," said a stone-faced Harbaugh, seemingly oblivious to the absurdity of the air travel. "I want my players to keep with routine. It really boils down to a routine thing." The flight from Baltimore to D.C. will last twelve minutes.

There is a precedent for such short, bizarre air trips in the N.F.L. In 2011, the Giants, who share MetLife Stadium with the Jets, were designated the road team in their contest against their Meadowlands roommates during a week 16 matchup. Tom Coughlin had the club meet at the practice facility, then board a bus to Newark Liberty International Airport, then had the pilot circle the airport for fifteen minutes before landing back at Newark and driving to the stadium for the game against the Jets. (The Giants prevailed 29-14.) That is sticking to routine.

Bride, groom sport nervous smiles after wedding photographer confidently takes Kodak Disc out of Kodak-Disc-sized camera bag