High Line fallout continues: Director stepping down after reintroducing freight trains to elevated park

Manhattan--The decision to reintroduce freight trains to the hugely popular High Line park on the island's West Side was not without controversy. The move was expected to raise millions of dollars for expansion and maintenance of the one-mile-long elevated greenway, but many predicted catastrophe even before the first train rumbled through the impressive public space.

Yesterday, exactly one year after CSX trains began moving freight on the line--the first freight activity since 1980--the park's Friends of the High Line board of directors declared the experiment "an overwhelming bust." The park's co-founder and director of Friends of the High Line, Kevin Venegar, who single-handedly made the call to bring trains back in 2012, also announced he is stepping down in the wake of "Freight Gate."

"It was a bad call on my part," said a choked-up Venegar, to a throng of reporters gathered at the southern terminus of the park near Gansevoort Street. "It was quite an eventful experiment, one that went horribly, horribly wrong. I sincerely apologize. I want to thank the board for providing me with countless opportunities to successfully mesh a populated park with an active rail line. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be. I hope I will be remembered for helping bring New York a great space to walk, contemplate, and take in the city from a very unique vantage point. And, hopefully not remembered for all the other stuff."

The "other stuff" included six derailments, one of which spilled thousands of gallons of toxic chemicals into the Gallery District last April, where 48 people were hospitalized and six never made it home. In May, a German tourist, asked to take a photo for a passing starry-eyed couple, was crushed to death by an extremely slow-moving train near West 20th St. The two love birds were so lost in each other they failed to warn the focused photographer.

Pretty sneaky, sis: NHL uses new four-division realignment plan to inform several teams league is contracting

Home Depot claims slow winter sales forced early launch of new Lou Diamond Phillips head screwdriver

Atlanta, GA--Dragging winter sales has forced Home Depot to launch the Lou Diamond Phillips head screwdriver earlier than expected. The product was set to debut just when stores were welcoming back many customers tackling DIY projects in late spring and early summer. "The Lou Diamond Phillips head screwdriver was supposed to be launched in late April or early May during the spring cleaning, spring project period when sales usually spike," said Blake Shuttersmith, director of marketing for the home improvement retail giant. "However, Home Depot will now use the screwdriver to increase sluggish cold-weather profits." Lou Diamond Phillips would not comment directly but his agent expressed concern. "This was not part of the agreement," said an upset Bain Cartwright, Diamond's longtime agent. "Yes, Lou's screwdriver will bring in customers, but we also see a percentage of sales from the tool. We believe that sales will be much higher with a spring and summer debut." The actor signed a five-year contract with the big-box retailer, but the Diamond camp believes the chain is attempting to back out of the deal. "Home Depot has the right to discontinue the Lou Diamond Phillips head screwdriver and negate the contract if sales are below a certain amount," explained Cartwright. "We believe they had a change of heart and are sabotaging the tool with a winter release. This is not right." 

Pistorius crime scene investigators all thinking same thing: Bright yellow autographed vuvuzela in upstairs hallway 'pretty cool looking'

Texas finally cracking down on guns: New legislation would prevent gun vending machines from accepting credit cards

Austin, TX--Protesters rallying outside the Texas State Capitol last week were outraged over a proposed bill that would prevent makers of gun vending machines from installing credit card payment technology in the state's existing fleet of nearly 65,000 gun machines. The Six Flag government says passing this bill would be a "huge" step in the right direction, Lone Star residents, however, disagree. "I never thought I would see Texas take such a strong stand against guns," said Arthur Thomas (R), 56, a state lawmaker representing the Texas panhandle area, about banning the convenient payment method. "If Texas can pass this law, and I think they will, it would show the rest of the country what gun control is all about. This would be a major victory." Attached to the bill--and a significant sticking point for the many Texans opposed--is the requirement for users of the vending machines to wear bulletproof vests when making purchases. Why? Well, for many years, a serious problem with the machines has been when customers choose a gun model from one of the upper shelves. The long drop to the bottom often causes the loaded firearm to accidentally discharge upon impact. Incredibly, in 2012 alone, these incidental firings injured 3,485 and killed 47 people. Why not just sell the weapons unloaded? "No way," said Thomas. "Listen, I am for gun control, but selling unloaded firearms is just stupid, it makes no sense. It's a Texan's right. Next, you'll tell me we should ban guns altogether."

Stranded Carnival Cruise Ship: Conditions worsen as poop deck literally becomes poop deck

Amtrak reports snow-clearing train slowly (very slowly) making way through Connecticut, passengers getting free coffee

Milford, CT--The 2013 blizzard--Nemo, to the good folks at the Weather Channel--is gone, but the dig-out for much of New England continues. Part of the digging out process includes clearing the Amtrak and Metro-North passenger rail lines in the southern part of the state. Amtrak is very close to restoring service between New York and Boston thanks to the AmTrachea, a massive, three-engine powered train snow blower. "The AmTrachea is the pride and joy of our East Coast snow-clearing fleet," said Don Hammersmith, Amtrak's severe weather coordinator. "The only drawback is that she's old and, well, a bit slow." Actually, the huge train snow blower makes an injured snail look fast. The train left the rail yards in Queens and headed north on Saturday early afternoon. Saturday! The plow has yet to make it to New Haven, which is just 75 miles away. Amtrak attached several passenger cars onto the rear of the blower to subsidize its high cost of operation. "We didn't really properly inform the passengers about the extreme time length of the journey," said Hammersmith. "So, we reduced the prices on certain snacks and gave free coffee in the cafe car."

Residents of town just missed by blizzard uploading thousands of photos to internet anyway

Town says blizzard of '78 taught very valuable lesson about dumping snow into river, but can't remember what it was

The town remembers dumping the snow, but cannot recall the "invaluable" lesson learned from disposing the crippling amounts of powder from the 1978 blizzard into the local waterway. "It really was a great little lesson, but we can't quite remember what it was. [The town's residents have] all been thinking really hard about it. Yeah, I got nothing," said Pete Dempsey, 61, town councilman. "Sally Baker down on Main Street thought she remembered, but then at the last minute said she really didn't. I don't know what to make of this whole thing. Was it a lesson not to dump, or was it a lesson to go ahead and dump snow into the river? We may never know."

Jacksonville Police question preschooler accused of designing Jaguars new logo

Divers discovered a Crayola 64-pack at the bottom of a pond just down the road from the child's residence.

Report: New Orleans, NFL under heavy scrutiny after shutting down several pumping stations to restore power to Superdome

New Orleans--Shortly after the second half of the Super Bowl began on Sunday night nearly all of the overhead lights on the 42-year-old Superdome went dark. The Blackout Bowl, as it has become known, was delayed thirty-four minutes while event organizers scrambled to restore power (and pride) to the Big Easy's stage in the national spotlight (Stadium workers began calling the power outage The Big Difficult). "I was initially told that it would be about a two-hour delay," said Frank Nedino, the stadium's head of maintenance. "Obviously, that was unacceptable. I did not want to be the one to call Roger [Goodell] and tell him that number. Noway, no how! I asked if there were any other options. Then, I had my assistant call Roger." There was one very drastic option: shut down several of the city's electricity-devouring pumping stations and reroute that power to the Superdome. Being that portions of Nawlins' is below sea level and depends on these stations--even when it is not raining--to keep dry, the outcome of a shutdown could have been catastrophic. The decision to shut down the pumps came jointly from the City and the NFL. "Oh, I don't see what the big deal is, people. So we diverted some power from a few of the city's pumps to bring back power to the stadium," said Stacy Biggs, NFL Super Bowl Gameday Coordinator. "It's not like there was a storm outside." Two parking lots close to Lake Pontchartrain at the northern edge of the city experienced minor flooding that had evaporated by late Monday morning. FEMA is investigating.

Was Wing Bowl winner showing off by also devouring most of the wing bones during chaotic eating competition?

Above: "The Bear" wins the popular wing eating contest known as Wing Bowl in South Philadelphia on Friday. The champion devoured 287 wings in thirty minutes, and, in a stunning display of digestive power, consumed the bones of 280 of those wings along the way. "In all the years I've done this I've never seen any contestant eat the bones. It's just not done. It was impressive," said the event's creator, Angelo Cataldi, of WIP radio. "I think the other contestants were put off by it." Doctors said afterward that "The Bear" will need to undergo an in-patient procedure to remove most of the wing bones but the champion disagreed. "No, I won't need a hospital visit. I do this all the time. The result is usually three or four extremely painful trips to the bathroom and that's about it," said "The Bear." The king of wings later admitted that the most bones he had ever previously consumed at one sitting was thirty-five, and that his custom-made, extra-padding toilet seat "may not be enough."

Super Bowl: Harbaugh parents unfortunately use national spotlight (and terrible timing) to announce plans for divorce

Above: Jack and Jackie Harbaugh, parents of the two brother head coaches facing off against each other in the Super Bowl, share a laugh during a television interview in New Orleans. The couple has made the rounds on the media circuit and have been enjoying and soaking up all the attention on the national stage. However, the two chose the "absolutely worst time" to use this platform to announce their marriage is ending. "Jack and I are cheering for both of our boys and we plan to wear neutral colors in the stadium on gameday. Also, and I know this isn't the best time to say this, but we're getting a divorce," said Jackie Harbaugh, very bluntly during a segment with the NFL Network. "We hope this doesn't affect our sons and want to say what a great two weeks this has been in the Cresent City." The Network was so thrown off by what had just transpired that they immediately broke to commercial. The announcement sent shockwaves through both locker rooms and through Las Vegas, where the point spread dropped by two within minutes. Oddsmakers feel the divorce will affect Jim Harbaugh slightly more than John Harbaugh.

Report: Normally reserved Joe Flacco to perform Sloppy Swish during player introductions at Super Bowl

New Orleans--Ravens head coach John Harbaugh says there is no truth to the rumor that his quarterback, Joe Flacco, who is a self-proclaimed "huge 'SNL' fan," will perform the unusual dance on Sunday at the Superdome. The coach also strongly denied that the South Jersey native pulled a hamstring while making last-minute adjustments to his Sloppy Swish technique on Wednesday's walk-through practice. "I can't comment on nor am I concerned whether or not Joe will perform the Sloppy whatever-it's-called coming out of the tunnel before the game this weekend," said Harbaugh, obviously annoyed that the story has captured the attention of his once-focused team and the national media. "The Ravens have one goal on Sunday: humiliate the (butt) head coach of the opposing team. Oops, I mean, play hard and win the game." Taran Killam, the actor who stars in the Swish "SNL" short, was spotted on Bourbon Street Tuesday evening reportedly wearing a Ravens cap. Player introductions could be worth watching this year.

NFL investigating why Chip Kelly left time spent at Southern New Hampshire University, as offensive coordinator of an online freshman football team, off resume

Philadelphia--The  SNHU online squad, whose only opponent was a freshman team at the University of Phoenix, went 1-10 against the Arizona-based school that year. Coaches and players for each team, who lived all across the country, never met and only played the games and practiced as a group via the internet and occasional videoconferencing. "It's a real interesting football program that we got here," said Southern New Hampshire's athletic director, Al Smith, from his year-round home in Nebraska. "It calls for lots of coordination and planning, but it works and we're getting better. We went 3-8 against U of P this season." Did Kelly leave the four-month position off his resume simply because of the 1-10 record? The NFL is determined to find out.

President of Portugal calls Garrett McNamara 'the craziest son of a bitch on the planet who is welcome anytime in my country'

Above: Big-wave surfer Garrett McNamara rides a giant wave off the Portuguese coast north of Lisbon. The wave is believed to be the largest ever ridden by a surfer, possibly breaking McNamara's own record set over a year ago. The president of Portugal, Anibal Cavaco Silva, praised McNamara's accomplishments and has credited the surfer for giving Portugal invaluable publicity. "Garrett is not quite right in the head, I think we can all agree, but I love that he is a risk taker. It reminds me of myself a little bit," said a smiling president. Silva, who is somewhat known for his sense of humor, presented McNamara with a custom-made straitjacket adorned with the Portuguese flag.

Photoshopped: National Geographic photographer breaks under interrogation, admits adding '3 or 4 spots' to sea leopard in award-winning image

Flyers ready for franchise's first day-night doubleheader in Florida

Sunrise, FL--The Philadelphia Flyers, already depleted by injuries and looking up in the standings, face a tough stretch in the schedule, including today's day-night doubleheader, the first in franchise history. However, it is not the only day-night double header of the season, it is merely the first of four--an unfortunate and unavoidable consequence of the lock-out-shortened, 48-game NHL schedule. After a 1 p.m. game today against the Florida Panthers the team will board a one-hour flight from Miami to Tampa for an 8 p.m. contest with the Lightning. "It's tough but you just psych yourself up and do what you have to do," said first-year captain Claude Giroux. Coaches and players expressed that the main concern was if the first game went into overtime or a shootout, delaying the arrival in Tampa. All thirty NHL teams will play at least three doubleheaders this year, while twelve teams play six, the maximum the league would allow. "The health of our players comes first," said Gary Bettman, NHL commissioner. "However, we needed to cram in games during days and times that were not ideal, and that, unfortunately, included scheduling many doubleheaders." The Flyers will fly from Tampa immediately following the game tonight to New York for a 10 a.m. Sunday matchup tomorrow morning with the Rangers.

New eHarmony televison commercial uses Te'o as a verb

Paranoid online dating sites are racing to repair perceived damage caused by the Te'o girlfriend hoax via television and print ads.

Seeking 'any publicity whatsoever,' NHL claims full responsibility for Te'o hoax

"Yeah, it was all us," said one NHL official. "Our bad. We did it. Yep, the whole thing. We're very sorry. Now, just show our logo everywhere and mention the NHL all over the place and we can all move on."

Oprah claims Armstrong opened up a 'little too much' during exclusive interview: 'The testicle in the jar on my mantel at home is plastic, I keep the real testicle in a safe in the billiards room.'

Though the interview has yet to air between the troubled ex-seven-time Tour de France winner and media mogul Oprah Winfrey, snippets of the candid talk have surfaced:

• Remember that marathon I ran a couple years back? Yeah, well, the truth is I didn't even want to run it.
• "I know this wasn't the question, but, yes, I do have hemorrhoids."
• "If I could go back, I'd probably change the doping part of my life."
• "I know it's strange, but I feel like the doping thing is what's gotten me into this whole mess."
• "But, really, if I was able to go back, that would mean somewhere along the line someone invented the time machine. And, realistically, someone--most likely me--would have gone back and warned the doping Lance that he was gonna get caught." 
• "The chub rub I experienced on some of the mountain stages of the Tour was awful. I'm talking about major bleeding, chafing."

Attempt to celebrate London Underground's 150th Anniversary with 1860s-era steam engine 'does not go so well'

Subterranean revelers waiting to ride and cheer on the antique steam train, once a fixture in the Underground, stumbled out of smoke-clogged subway stations gasping for air and mending watering eyes.

Lakers threaten to sue Jack Nicholson after actor spotted courtside at, um, well, a Clippers home game

The team said if they cannot sue Nicholson--the case will unlikely make it to court--they will attempt to keep the big screen star from attending future Clippers games by moving his familiar sideline Lakers seats "two or three inches" closer to the court. "He'll officially be the closest fan to the court, not only in the Staples Center, but the entire league," said one Lakers official. "He can't turn that down."

In celebration of 150th anniversary, London Underground finally eliminates famous gap

London--It took 150 years, but it finally happened. The famous gap between subway cars and the station platform that spurred the famous "Mind the Gap" warning to London Underground riders has been reduced to nothing. "It has long been the goal of the Underground to eliminate the gap, but the lack of technology prevented it from happening until now," said David Jensen, operating president of the massive London Underground. "We wanted it done in time for the 150th anniversary celebration, that was crucial." The transit agency won't say what that technology is, but it is clear, while riding one of the world's busiest subways, that, indeed, the gap is gone. "It is amazing," said Kathryn Winslet, 41, a resident of the Sonnington section of the city. "It looks like the train should become wedged as it enters the platform. But, somehow it works." Gap closure came at a hefty price, costing over fifty billion pounds to retrofit nearly all 270 stations. Due to the (sometimes violent) effort of historic preservationists, two stations--Shrewsberry Castle and Tussle-on-Sherry--were not modified. So, what will happen to the "Mind the Gap" signs and verbal announcements? "Currently, we are in intense negotiations with the GAP clothing company to turn the now meaningless phrase into advertisements. Perhaps: 'Mind the GAP,' it's right up the steps and two blocks down.' I don't know, something to that effect."   

Country's first high-speed rail line will connect rural eastern Nebraska to rural western Iowa

Norfolk, NE--It's finally here. The seemingly endless, in-depth studies are complete and the controversial funding is in place. All the hard work has finally paid off and the country's transportation system just got a little better with the go ahead to construct the nation's first high-speed rail project. No, not in California or Florida or the Northeast Corridor for that matter, but in America's heartland.

Soon, it will no longer take nearly three hours by car to travel from Norfolk, Nebraska, to Carroll, Iowa. The $112 billion, 150-mile long passenger rail project will reduce this trip to forty-seven minutes. Towns in between connected by the new route include: Wisner (population 1,104), Bancroft (pop. 502), and Decatur (pop. 500) in Nebraska. In Iowa, nine towns, not including Carroll, will be part of the system: Onawa (pop. 3,007), Turin (pop. 72), Soldier (pop. 178), Ute (pop 385), Charter Oak (pop. 512), Denison (pop. 8,392), Vail (pop. 451), Westside (pop. 298), and Arcadia (pop. 471).

Florida and California, each candidates for high-speed rail and each holding large populations, lost to the much more bucolic Nebraska-Iowa route. The official name of the project is NENEWCIA High-Speed Rail Project (NorthEastern NEbraska-West Central IowA). The passenger service is unofficially known as the HawkHusker Express, combining Hawkeye and Cornhusker from Iowa and Nebraska, respectively. The line, according to the U.S. High-Speed Rail Authority & Agency, "combines quickness and fastness mixed together in mind-boggling proportions."

Another Manhattan office tower bans whistling while working

Manhattan--The sign by the elevator eliminates any possible confusion: No whistling while working in this building! This is a 47-story skyscraper in lower Manhattan, where management has decided to wage war against whistlers after a recently published report showing precipitous declines in work production when employees generate the high-pitched sound while performing job tasks.

Property management agencies throughout the borough vehemently deny mounting pressure from individual tenant companies to ban whistling in order to pass off the possible legal ramifications resulting from such debatable actions.

Nonetheless, the movement is spreading. Just a few blocks west, closer to the Hudson River, the lobby of another building displays a temporary banner reading: This is a Whistling-free Building. (Security guards are quick to point out a more permanent placard has been ordered that will hopefully replace the banner by next week.)  A picture on the lower right of the banner shows a pair of lips whistling enclosed in a circle with a thick, red line slashing through the middle.

These are just two office towers adopting the controversial policy, but scores more across the 24-square-mile island have already passed the rule despite protests.

The reason behind the mass ban: A Bryn Mawr College study published in early December 2012. The report refutes the very foundation beneath the success of the Seven Dwarfs' work ethic: whistling while working.

NHL Lockout over: Not all players thrilled with new four-blade skate requirement

The move allows players to wear sneakers with the skates, which, league officials say, will increase comfort and safety exponentially for the high-flying athletes. Others claim it will slow down the game exponentially. "Yeah, I've used four-blade skates before ... when I was six-years-old," said one NHL right winger. "Yes, it's very comfortable, but, man, is it slow. You're basically running."

Source: Old Snickers television ad influenced Reid's decision to sign on as Kansas City head coach

At the formal contract signing, the ex-Eagles' coach reportedly asked team owner Clark Hunt why Chefs was spelled with an "i" throughout the multi-page document. "Reid had a very concerned look on his face when signing the contract," said one source present at the signing. "I think he really thought the team was the Chefs. Honestly, he looked almost sad. At one point, he took a break from signing and said, 'I just need a minute to gather myself, guys. You see, it's just that the Snickers ad ...' Then he just trailed off."

Public Service Announcement encouraging city residents to dispose of Christmas trees via kitchen garbage disposals

The television PSA, featuring husband and wife team Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick, suggests residents, "perhaps throw out a couple of branches each day over several weeks." What about the tree trunk? The ad covers this topic with a closeup shot of a very serious Bacon while he explains: "Garbage disposals are much stronger than you think, people. Yes, you can jam a reasonably-sized tree trunk into a disposal but be smart about it. Let's keep trees out of our landfills." Bacon also plugs his new show The Following throughout the 30-second spot.

Promotion gone bad: Dunkin' Donuts recalls millions of glazed donut spare tire covers

The popular coffee/donut chain warns customers that the Chinese manufacturer did not realize covers were supposed to be edible.