World Cup: U.S. tennis great Andre Agassi embracing head coaching role with Chile

"I am grateful for the opportunity that the people of Chile have given me," said retired American tennis star Andre Agassi, current head coach of Chile's men's national soccer team. "[Chile] took a chance on a guy that knows nearly nothing about soccer. I mean, I know the whole 'don't use your hands thing.' The team has really embraced my idea of training while gripping a tennis racket. Yep, that's all we do is play tennis using a soccer ball. But, looking at our performance in this World Cup, I'd say it's working." 

World Cup: Brazil President: 'We're in big event mode right now, firing on all cylinders. Can we just do 2016 Olympics this summer?'

World Cup: ESPN analyst admits to shaving during each commercial break

World Cup: ESPN's new soccer ball cameras forcing television viewers to take motion sickness medication

Dramamine purchases every remaining commercial slot for conclusion of tournament. The sports network claims that if players were striking the eight-pound ball correctly, there would be "zero spin," and, thus, a "much more enjoyable experience for the home audience."

World Cup: Belgian referee spotted covering waffles with new marking spray foam in darkened corner of Sao Paulo restaurant

Director Marty Di Bergi wants shot at remaking World Cup broadcast player introductions--'the arm folding part'

The This is Spinal Tap director claims his arm folding work in the below clip--specifically, the 0:42 second mark--speaks for itself. "Nothing against FIFA, but I deserve a shot to rework the player intros," said De Bergi.

World Cup: Klinsmann goal celebrations included repeated shouts of 'sprockets, sprockets, sprockets'

Concert goers spend entire performance avoiding beach tag checkers at renovated, sandy Festival Pier

At one point during the concert the entire audience entered the Delaware River--scaling a chain link fence in the process--in an effort to avoid paying the $14/day beach tag cost. "I had to go to the bathroom anyway," said one reveler. 

Stanley Cup Final: Mark Messier guarantees a game four, not a victory, but just that a game four will be played

The former Rangers captain, who once promised a game six victory over the New Jersey Devils in the 1994 semi-finals, swears he made the guarantee 'before the series even started.'

Sumo wrestler caught up in Triple Crown frenzy wondering how different life would be if he had accepted 'very generous' jockey scholarship out of high school

Budweiser Clydesdales (and full beer wagon) gracefully pulverize all eight jumps during Devon Horse Show exhibition

The full hitch has never completed a successful jump, but the crew "certainly loves to try each year." Budweiser covers the costs of all needed repairs.

Lazy Gehry? Art Museum's two tower expansion plan nearly identical to famed architect's Bilbao design

The world-renowned architect later admitted: "Okay, okay, yes, I may have borrowed some elements from my Guggenheim design. Okay, alright, it's the exact same concept. Are you happy now? I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for those meddling architecture kids, er, students."

Blake Bortles joining with LeBron James to launch world's first wine cooler sports drink: Bortles & James

The new alcoholic sports beverage will replace depleted electrolytes and give athletes "a pretty good buzz." Television ads will remind consumers to drink responsibly and to have a "designated player."

California Chrome abruptly withdraws from Devon Horse Show

Devon, PA--In a not so surprising move, California Chrome, winner of this year's Kentucky Derby and Preakness Stakes, just two weeks before the Belmont Stakes and a chance at the Triple Crown, abruptly withdrew from the Devon Horse Show this morning--the country's oldest and largest outdoor multi-breed equestrian show. "He did the [Kentucky] Derby, the Preakness, and is preparing for the Belmont. I just think trying to squeeze in Devon is not a good idea right now," said co-owner, Steve Coburn. "He's a racer not a jumper. It's pretty obvious now. I need to stop pushing the whole jumping thing...just let it go." Chrome placed 28th overall at the 2013 Devon Horse Show individual racing jumping medley with a time of 2:31, accumulating seventeen knockdowns in the process. Earlier this week, Devon officials banned the nasal strip used by Chrome in the first two legs of the Triple Crown, but the horse's owners quickly dismissed the notion that this influenced the decision to pull out of the 2014 show. "Chrome can jump without the strip, I guarantee that," said Coburn. "But, this is all about preparing for the Belmont...I swear." Coburn wants New York horse racing officials to place jumps on the Belmont track to show Devon that Chrome can race and jump at the same time.

Klinsmann: 'Niemals kritisieren Oktoberfest, Mercedes, BMW, oder Volkswagen'

The head coach of the U.S. men's national soccer team, Jurgen Klinsmann, claims he overheard Landon Donovan, a surprise omission from the 2014 World Cup roster, criticize October Fest, Mercedes Benz, BMW, and Volkswagon at a team party a few months ago. "He didn't think I was listening," said Klinsmann, "He told a teammate that beers were too big at Oktoberfest and that Volkswagens handled poorly."

Kensington Kinetic Sculpture Derby pedaling into Lincoln Financial Field in 2015?

The festival that celebrates moving art and non-motorized transportation could be held at the Linc for the next five years--but with no mud pit. MetLife Stadium in North Jersey is also courting the vibrant Philadelphia street fair and "promises a very muddy" finish. 

Above: The Coors Light-Xfinity Kensington Kinetic Sculpture Derby of Lincoln Financial Field?

Disney wanted to make 'Million Dollar Baby Arm' but could not get PG rating

The studio was forced to change the tragic ending already filmed and drop 'Baby' from title to lose the PG-13 rating given by the MPAA. "Also, the title would have been confusing to audiences," said one Disney executive. "It's not a film about pitchers with tiny arms."

Several Braves employees hospitalized after attempting to show new suburban stadium site is 'definitively walkable' from downtown Atlanta

Cobb County, GA--The Braves will unveil a new, suburban stadium in 2017, fleeing Turner Field--a product of the 1996 Olympics--and the city of Atlanta for a 60-acre site nearly 15 miles northwest of the Georgia capital. To show the location is "not as remote as everyone thinks," the team organized a walk on Wednesday with twelve employees from the urban center to the intersection of I-285 and I-75--mall country. "We feel that our new locale is easily accessible on foot for our Atlanta city proper fans," said Dave Sandine, the team's logistics statistics manager of logistics. "And, we wanted to emphatically demonstrate that 'walkability.'" Front office staff joined with beer vendors and program sales staff for the five-hour hike along the shoulder of chaotic Interstate 75. The heat and honking 18-wheelers proved too much for ten of the dozen brave Braves, requiring hospital visits but no overnight stays. Two employees completed the journey but sported severe sunburns as a result. "I, uh, could, um...easily, uh, do that walk four or five...um, times a week. Whoa, who's got water?" said a very out of breath Jessica Gilmore, a Turner Field hot dog slinger from Savannah.

Brooklyn Nets harshly criticized for wearing 'We Did It: Took the Heat to 5 Games' t-shirts after losing to Miami 4-1

The team said it was "only a joke" and that losing to the Heat was "extremely disappointing." Fans, however, were very upset: "I could see them wearing a shirt like that if the series went six or seven games but not five," said one fan.

6ABC scrambles to find host for live broadcast of Kensington Kinetic Sculpture Derby after Kelly Ripa backs out

NFL Draft: Scout now sort of wishing he didn't visit Indiana State Corn Museum instead of attending NFL Combine

New York City--A first-year NFL scout with an NFC West team admitted yesterday--the second day of the NFL Draft--that he probably should have actually attended the NFL Combine in Indianapolis at the end of February instead of wandering the lengthy halls of the Indiana State Corn Museum. The scout claimed to have been present at the four-day NFL-hopeful talent showcase extravaganza featuring over 300 athletes participating in nearly seventy-five events. (Even going as far as to tweet from the museum about an athlete's performance.) "I should have gone. Period. The Combine is important and I needed to be there because it's my job. But, the brochure in the hotel lobby was intriguing...it made corn look really fascinating," said the scout, who wanted to remain anonymous. "I was just going to pop in for, like, an hour, but ended up spending three and a half days there. Trust me, I had every intention of showing up at the Combine--but, honestly, did you know that the U.S. produces roughly 40% of the world's corn." During the first two days of the draft at Radio City Music Hall, the scout gave "very general information" when asked to provide a detailed breakdown of a particular player. "I simply named height, weight, place of birth, and favorite movie of the athlete. If asked to elaborate, I would simply repeat the height and weight and add a 'c'mon, now.'"

Jaguars' front office doing one final round of shots before informing all draft picks that team is moving to Donetsk

Cleveland drafts Manziel: QB inquires about NFL's work-from-home policy

PHL officials claim $6.4 billion expansion will allow airport to lose 30% more luggage in coming years

Struggling artist regularly mistakes old lithium battery on desk for quarter

"I'll look on my coffee table or desk from afar and get all psyched that I have enough change for that small bag of chips or a pack of peanut butter crackers from the corner store, and then I realize one of the 'coins' is an old disc battery from my bicycle light. It's totally deflating. In an instant I went from four quarters to three and the chips are a dollar. I really need to get rid of those batteries because this happens, like, once a week," said painter Eliot Smith.

Should dog-friendly, enclosed area with lots of dogs be designated a dog park?

"The fenced-in space has poop bag dispensers, dog water bowls, benches for owners, an area for big dogs, an area for small dogs, artificial turf, a hose, and a bulletin board to post dog-related activities. I mean, let's just call this thing what it is...a dog park. Let's stop pretending." said one local resident.

Cubs give Sosa incorret address on invitation for Wrigley Field's 100th Anniversary celebration

"The invitation said the Wrigley Field 100th Anniversary celebration and festivities would be held at the White Sox' stadium on the south side of Chicago, which I thought was kind of weird--actually, very weird," said slugger Sammy Sosa, a Cub from 1992 to 2004. "But I went anyway, and the Sox were very confused but were glad to have me. They let me sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and "Happy Birthday." I had a pretty good time."

Happy 100th, Wrigley Field: Cubs announce plans for new Wrigley Dome--The Friendly Indoor/Outdoor Confines

Chicago--Wrigley Dome, a baseball-only, retractable-roof stadium, to be constructed on the present site of Wrigley Field on West Addison Street, will seat 35,000 fans. The controversial project, set to break ground in September, will require the demolition of the historic field and hundreds of neighboring homes. The organization feels diehard Cubs fans will come to love the sleek, artificial turf facility. "This is SkyDome mixed with a pinch of Veterans Stadium, a hint of Three Rivers Stadium, a dash of Riverfront Stadium, a splash of RFK Stadium, and a smattering of Metrodome. It's a super-baseball park created with elements from some of the sport's greatest venues of the past. Sure, we'll keep the ivy on the outfield wall, but it'll be artificial ivy. You know what I mean?" said one Cubs official. The rooftop bleachers will also survive: in the new Cubs Museum under section 214 as a permanent, virtual exhibit. The dome will take two years to complete, during which time the team will play all eighty-one home games at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign's Memorial Stadium--a football stadium to be (sort of) retrofitted for professional baseball. 

PATCO to use train ferry service over summer while both Ben Franklin Bridge tracks udergo reconstruction

Above: A multi-car passenger train boards a ferry in Puttgarden, Denmark. The Port Authority Transit Corporation (PATCO) will use a similar ferry service over the upcoming summer months while the two busy tracks across the Delaware River on the Benjamin Franklin Bridge are shut down for much-needed repairs. PATCO officials say all the details have not been worked out yet, but multiple modes of transportation could be utilized to complete the river crossing. "Going into Philly, we could possibly bus riders from City Hall Station to a waiting train on the New Jersey side of the [Delaware] river, then load the train onto the ferry. Once on the Philadelphia side, unload the train onto refurbished tracks on Columbus Blvd. From here, put the riders onto a second bus that would take them to the 8th and Market [Street] Station," said one official. The transit agency says it "just wouldn't make sense" to simply bus passengers between City Hall (NJ) and 8th & Market Street (Phila) Stations.  

Suit Corner owner to now 'focus all energy' on Jorts Corner