Half of Eagles would be Super Bowl-bound if Steagles still existed

In 1943, during World War II, the Eagles and Steelers joined forces to become the Steagles when many NFL players heroically volunteered or were called into the military. The shortage of players united all of Pennsylvania behind one team.

At least one current Eagle still wishes the state had one team.

"Half of us would be going to the Super Bowl this weekend if the Steagles were still around," said one Eagles' player who did not want to be identified. "If it's not too late I'd be willing to join the Steelers roster for one game. I mean ... there are two wars going on now and stuff."

The player did indicate that he had made a list of Eagles' players that would make up half of a Steagles' roster. He also hinted that Greg Lewis was not included on that list.

"Greg Lewis is not on the list," said the player.

City officials mildly concerned over Schuylkill ice circles

The tidal portion of the lower Schuylkill River has been ice-covered for over a week. The irregular arctic temperatures marched the ice in every direction, consuming the surface of the river like a rain-inspired Citizens Bank Park grounds crew covers the infield.

"One day fish are jumping out of the water, high into the air; the next day they hit their head so hard they can knock themselves silly," explained Tara Abner, a scientist at Southwest Philadelphia's Bartrum's Gardens.

Because of the tidal movement, some five to seven feet, and slow current of the river, the ice is not yet thick enough for most Philadelphians to set foot on.

"On Thursday night we had some idiot from a Boat House Row party attempt to ride a golf cart out onto the ice," said Hank Terrogski, an officer with the Philadelphia Police Marine Unit. "Crashed right through the ice. We joked that he not only created an ice hole, but was one too."

Terrogski estimated the thickness of the ice in the middle of the river to be anywhere from two to five inches. Not close to the eight inches of ice needed to support the average American.

Yet despite this fact there are a series of ice circles—not carved like crop circles—that have mysteriously appeared on the lower Schuylkill River, down stream from the waterworks and in the shadow of the light festival known as the Cira Centre.

Experts have been studying and testing the circles for the past two days using highly sensitive computer equipment and rulers. This special equipment allows the ice-ologists to not only study the circles, but test the formations as well.

"We use a special bucket truck situated on the riverbank to position a scientist over the circle. A core sampling device is used to both study and test the frozen river," said Jean Gilbert, ice-ologist with Le Ice, Inc., a Canadian ice consulting company.

"It could be that the fish are responsible and are attempting to convey a message," said Gilbert in his French Canadian accent, when asked what he thought was behind (or under) the circles. "[The fish] could be saying 'let us out of here. We cannot breathe properly.' Or something like that."

Le Ice, Inc., who has all but ruled out human culpability, is conducting their study at the request of Schuylkill Banks, a non-profit organization that operates the park, beach and trail adjacent to the lower Schuylkill River.

City officials, including Mayor Nutter, were not overly concerned about the ice circles and refused to spend taxpayers' money to learn more about the phenomenon. Many City Council members believe the circles are an elaborate prank orchestrated by local teens or Disney on Ice.

The city released this statement: "It's ice ... with circles in it. Get over it. It's prolly just kids."

Brunei shocked by Cardinals success

Bandar Seri Begawan, Brunei—Residents of this tiny southeast Asian country, situated on the north side of Borneo island, were indeed shocked when they learned that the Arizona Cardinals had advanced to the Super Bowl in Tampa, FL. Many of the estimated 400,000 inhabitants were surprised by the Cards victory over Atlanta, very surprised at the dismantling of Carolina and utterly shocked by the dispatching of Philadelphia.

The country's leader, Hassanal Bolkiah, also expressed shock at the notion of a National Football Conference represented by an Arizona Cardinals team.

"This is very shocking," said the leader. "Shocked! That's all I can say. Utterly shocked. As I'm sure much of the world is."

From Namibia to Sri Lanka and the Maldives to Uruguay the world is shocked by the Arizona Cardinals playoff run.

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Cardinals fans say they have always had faith that their beloved football team would push this far into the NFL postseason.

"We shocked the world. We never had any doubt. We are not shocked by how our team has performed. Not shocked at all," said Dennis Bertuzi, a Cardinals fan from Flagstaff, AZ. "I have to assume, though, that much of the world is shocked."

A large number of Cardinals fans did, however, express being shocked that Tottenham Hotspur and the Blackburn Rovers were in 16th and 17th place, respectively, in the current English Premier League standings.

Reflecting Pool expected to double Inauguration crowd size

Washington, DC—As many as three million people are expected to descend on the U.S. Capital/National Mall area today for the historic inauguration of President-elect Barack Obama. The city of almost 575,000 residents will be bursting at the seams. Hotels, rails, planes and buses have been booked for months. The DC Metro, the region's aging subway line, is expected to be operating non-stop.

As large as the crowds will be, they may appear even larger. The Reflecting Pool, located on the west end of the mall, is expected to give the appearance of six million onlookers.

"The pool is great for reflecting and will make it seem that the crowd is actually twice as big," said Jim Fletcher, Inauguration '09 senior security adviser. "Security will be ready for three million or six million."

US Air upset that passengers stood on wings

Yesterday, a US Air flight made a water landing in the Hudson River near Manhattan. It is believed that the plane, an Airbus 320, struck a bird or several birds shortly after takeoff and suffered severe engine damage.

Unbelievably, there were no fatalities as the pilot glided the plane, keeping the nose elevated, into the icy cold river. As the plane began to take on water, after coming to rest, the 150-plus passengers and crew exited into the arctic air and onto the wings.

This is where US Air feels the pilot, Capt. Chesley B. Sullenberger, did not follow proper protocol.

"It's marked clearly on the wing:'This is not a step,'" said Charles Kapp, a US Air passenger relations official. "They're not meant for climbing or standing."

The wings together with jet engines (to propel the plane forward) are credited with making flight possible. Though extremely durable, the wing is a highly delicate section of the plane.

"The pilot did an incredible job of saving lives. He followed the guidelines for a water landing perfectly. We witnessed a miracle today," said Kapp. "Then he went and let the passengers stand on the wings."

Though no deaths or serious injuries were reported, several passengers were shaken up and taken to area hospitals both in New York and New Jersey.

"As the plane was going down I just kept saying to myself over and over, 'Please don't let this be the East River. Please don't let this be the East River,'" said passenger Gail Summers, 46, of Rye, NY. "Thank God we didn't land in the East River."

Eagles will stay in popular, quiet Four Corners area of AZ

The Philadelphia Eagles will leave for Arizona and the NFC Championship game on Friday and they will not be staying in Phoenix during their time in the desert. Nor will they find accommodations in Tempe, Mesa, Glendale, Scottsdale or any other dale.

In fact, the team will not be in the Phoenix metropolitan area at all. They will be 360 miles to the northeast in the Four Corners area of Arizona.

Four Corners is the only point in the country that is shared by four states—Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado and Utah. It's a popular destination for tourists wishing to stand, kneel or lie in four states at the same time.

Coach Andy Reid wants the team to bond and relax the night before the biggest game of the season. Most importantly though, Reid would like the team to stay out of trouble.

"I just want the guys to get rest. I'm not concerned if they want to run a passing route through Colorado or New Mexico or any other part of whatever," said Reid. "I'll go to war with these guys."

"If the coach wants quiet that's exactly what he's going to get," said Sandy Oliver, Four Corners director of tourism-Arizona division. "There's a golf course here that includes a hole where you tee off in Arizona, chip in Colorado, improve your lie in Utah (but don't lie) and putt in New Mexico. That's about it here in Four Corners."

The team hotel is all one building but half the players will be in Arizona and the other half in Utah. The Utah side of the resort has a 8pm lights-out policy.

The Four Corners Resort will arrange a golf outing and provide buses to the monument every fifteen minutes.

"I've always wanted to play four square on the Four Corners Monument," said David Akers, Eagles kicker, referring to the popular schoolyard game.

Akers and teammates can play four square, but not like the professionals. The team will miss the National Four Square Tournament by one week. For the first time the tournament will be held at the monument.

On Sunday the team will board a 9am flight in Teec Nos Pos, AZ for Sky Harbor International Airport in Phoenix; then be taken directly to the University of Phoenix Stadium for the game.

Schwarzkopf, Fitzgerald remain close despite '02 firing

Former United States General Norman Schwarzkopf will be in attendance during Sunday's NFC Championship Game at University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, AZ, to watch Arizona Cardinals' wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald attempt to advance to his first Super Bowl.

The unlikely friendship began several years ago as both are graduates of Valley Forge Military Academy in Wayne, PA.

The two met in 2001, at an alumni and current student function, while Fitzgerald was attending Valley Forge. Fitzgerald had always wanted to meet the general whose action figure he regularly played with as a child growing up in Minnesota.

Schwarzkopf had long been a football fan and some have speculated that had he not been a five-star general that he would have pursued an NFL career. Stormin' Normin soon became the receiver's personal trainer, pushing the player to the extremes to make it to the NFL.

"Workout sessions were extreme. They would last ten hours a day and I would be mentally and physically exhausted afterwards," said Fitzgerald.

The 2002 VFMA graduate quickly soured on the general's methods claiming that some training sessions "did not make any sense." The general would force the player to practice firing a rifle or cleaning the showers with dental floss. This would seldom be followed by sprints and running pass routes.

Learning to operate tanks, hummers, half-tracks and jeeps (both windshield folded up and down) were all a common part of practice. Fitzgerald began to second guess the Gulf War hero's methods after running routes on a field containing live, submerged land mines. The University of Pittsburgh-bound player had seen enough.

"The NFL is tough and I was trying to prepare him to be a soldier of football. Eight times a season he is asked to invade another NFL stadium," said Schwarzkopf. "And that doesn't include playoffs."

"It was just weird. I mean I didn't see the relevance of grenades to football. At first I thought it was a Mr Miyagi/Karate Kid-type thing where I was unknowingly learning relevant skills. That, however, wasn't the case. I had to fire him. Can you imagine firing Schwarzkopf?" said Fitzgerald.

So fearful of the general was the wide receiver that he kept him as his trainer for another two months. The entire training relationship lasted two months and two weeks and was abruptly terminated by way of phone call from former Secretary of State Colin Powell (Fitzgerald,through VFMA connections, pleaded with Powell to carry out the firing).

"I've never been fired from anything in my life," said Schwarzkopf. "It took me a long time to get over [the firing]. My initial reaction was to get into a tank, but I didn't. I wished the kid all the best."

The two reconnected in the summer of 2008 after not speaking for almost six years. The general attended two Cardinals games this season and took in several team practices despite calling them "devoid of military tactics."

"He's the best receiver in the NFL ... and I'd like to think I had a little something to do with that," said an emotional general.

Cactus mistaken for really tall, cooperative illegal immigrant

Somewhere near Douglas, Arizona—In the southern Arizona desert, near the Mexican border, Tom Russel quietly slid a walkie-talkie from his holster to call for backup. Russel had spotted what appeared to be a person illegally crossing the border into the United States.

It was Russel's first shift working solo and only his sixth day on the job as a U.S. Border patrolman. First year patrolmen are not usually asked to work alone, but recent crossings near Organ Pipe National Monument, some 200 miles to the west, demanded additional patrolmen from the Douglas base.

The patrolman first saw the apparent border crosser about an hour before sunrise. Until then Russel, situated about 20 yards away, was locked in a standoff when the person refused to lie down as standard Border Patrol procedure requires.

"At first I was like this guy is really cooperating," said Russel, an embarrassed rookie patrolman. "I thought he must have heard me coming because his hands were already in the air and he was as still as can be. But then he wouldn't lie down when I told him to."

It was not until sunrise that the officer realized he was attempting to negotiate with and apprehend a cactus for the past hour.

Two days after the incident Russel was reassigned to the Canadian border where he will spend a year in Sherwood, North Dakota questioning Americans returning with pharmaceuticals, hunting catches and higher alcohol content beer.

"I've never been north of Tucson," answered Russel when asked whether he looked forward to his new assignment.

Would KleckoVision have survived?

The home video game system market is a multi-billion dollar global industry. Nintendo Wii, Mircosoft Xbox 360 and Sony PlayStation 3 have taken in impressive profits over the past several years. One game system dinosaur, however, ColecoVision (pictured), a popular home video game system in the early 1980's, is growing sour over a missed opportunity. The long defunct company is dreaming of what could have been.

In 1983 ColecoVision's sales began to plummet along with many other game companies' products during the 1983 video game crash. The company made a desperate attempt to save the product line.

In late 1983 ColecoVision approached Joe Klecko, defensive end, of the New York Jets about a possible partnership.

"We were fledgling and that was the best idea the marketing team could come up with," said Flip Herman, Coleco's vice president in 1983. "At the time, I called the idea Einstein-like."

The idea was to rename the entire game system after the New York Jets' sack master—KleckoVision.

Joe Klecko, a four-time Pro Bowler, was in the prime of his career in the early 80's. The southeastern Pennsylvania native had his number retired by the Jets and was part of the fearsome "NASDAQ Sack Exchange" defense.

"No," said Klecko, when asked his response to ColecoVision's proposal. "There was no way I was going to sign that deal. I didn't even know what ColecoVision was. I was too busy making sack lunch sandwiches out of quarterbacks. Looking back ... maybe I should have signed the deal."

ColecoVision claims they offered Klecko $500,000 plus annual profit sharing to attach his name to the video game system. Although, Klecko disputes this number saying it was closer to $5,000.

"Even now, almost 26 years later, I feel like it would have been a huge hit. Kids and adults would be playing KleckoVision and not Nintendo. I, er we, could have been game system millionaires."

ColecoVision's run ended in 1984 when it was pulled off the market. Klecko and former company executives have not spoken since 1983.

Giants Stadium quietly collects naming rights fees

Completed in 1976, Giants Stadium, in northern New Jersey's Meadowlands, is home to both the New York Giants and New York Jets of the National Football League. The stadium is also home to the Metrostars of Major League Soccer. It is one of a handful of professional sports venues not to be named for a corporation. Or is it?

Paul Brown Stadium in Cincinnati, Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles, Soldier Field in Chicago, Yankee Stadium in New York and Coors Field(named for Pete Coors) in Denver are a few stadiums that have resisted the naming rights temptation.

Some find it strange that the largest city (OK, near the largest city) and metropolitan area in the country would have a football stadium not take advantage of corporate dollars.

Word began to circulate yesterday that the stadium's owner, New Jersey Sports and Exposition Authority, indeed was collecting "extra" revenue from the stadium.

"The amount [of money] coming in was not matching up with the number of events being held at the stadium," said New Jersey state attorney, Joshua Gillent. "Not even $65 parking could raise the numbers that high."

Apparently, under the radar, Giants Stadium went corporate six years ago.

"We wanted to keep with tradition and use the name Giants Stadium. But it was too difficult to turn down another source of revenue. I had to find a way around this," said NJSEA official, William Norwood.

Norwood admitted that he contacted Giant Food Stores, LLC, a supermarket chain headquartered in Carlisle,PA, about a possible naming rights contract. Norwood and Giant Foods soon reached a fifteen-year agreement for $7.5 million. The deal was signed in 2002 and included a clause permitting the venue to keep the 's' in the name.

Giant Food officials wanted the stadium's new name to be Giant Food Stores, LLC Stadium. However, Norwood convinced the growing supermarket chain that keeping the name Giants Stadium would better serve Giant Foods.

"We got duped. I'll admit it," said and anonymous Giant Foods executive.

KOP wins Auntie Anne's bet with MOA

The two largest malls in the United States made a friendly wager over yesterday's Eagles-Vikings wild-card playoff game. Officials from King of Prussia Mall (largest in retail space) and the Mall of America decided to make the friendly bet, similar to mayors of large cities, as a publicity stunt to help stimulate sluggish retail sales.

The King of Prussia Mall(KOP) is located in King of Prussia, PA, roughly twenty-five miles northwest of Philadelphia. The Mall of America (MOA) is located in Bloomington, MN, approximately thirteen miles south of Minneapolis.

"We're basically a city within ... a mall," said Gene Luftin, King of Prussia Mall's operating officer. "I have actually spent weeks here without leaving."

KOP bet a $25 GAP gift card, a $20 Auntie Anne's Pretzels gift card, and a box of treats from Cinnabon that the Eagles would win. MOA offered a $20 FYE gift card, a $25 Sunglass Hut gift card and a box of goodies from Arby's on the Vikings.

"I love Auntie Anne's so it was a tough bet to lose," said Rachel Halls, Mall of America's public relations director. "I feel a little better knowing that [MOA] has sixteen Auntie Anne's franchises."

Part of the bet also included that the loser must "hang out" at the winner's mall for a day and wear the opponents jersey.

"I guess I'll hang out in an Eagles jersey near the food court for eight hours. I hear there's a Chick-fil-A," said a disappointed Halls.

Metrodome may host 2010 Winter Classic

Minnesota government officials along with the NHL's Minnesota Wild are proposing a plan to host the 2010 Winter Classic. The Classic is an annual outdoor game between two NHL clubs held on January 1st. This year's game (only the 2nd Classic) features the Chicago Blackhawks versus the Detroit Red Wings at historic Wrigley Field (pictured below).

Last year's game was held in Buffalo's Ralph Wilson Stadium between the Sabres and the Pittsburgh Penguins during a heavy snowstorm that drew a record television audience.

Though Minnesota has no outdoor facility with the required seating capacity, the Wild, state and the city of Minneapolis are entering a bid for the game.

"We are proposing to hold the game inside the Metrodome but we would turn the heat off so that it would feel like we were outside," said Wild public relations director, Frank Morze.

Morze would not recognize the fact that the main purpose and the uniqueness of the game is that it is held outside, where most of the players learned the sport.

"Trust me," said Morze, in a stern voice,"the Metrodome gets pretty cold when the heat is turned off ... from what I've heard."

The Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome is the home to both the Minnesota Vikings (NFL) and the Minnesota Twins (MLB) in Minneapolis, MN. The indoor stadium seats 64,111 spectators for football and is kept at a comfortable 72F degrees during games.

Minnesota, a U.S. hockey hotbed, produces a large contingency of players that feed the college, junior and NHL ranks annually.

Wayne Gretzky, arguably the greatest hockey player ever, was born in Canada but played many games against the Minnesota North Stars—now the Dallas Stars—during his career.

"It gets cold in Minnesota," said Gretzky,"So I bet that if the heat was turned off it would get pretty cold inside the Metrodome. An unheated dome could make for a classic Classic."

10,000 lakes?: 'We may have overexaggerated.'

Minnesota has long been known as the land (state) of 10,000 lakes. In fact, the nickname appears at the bottom of the state's license plates acting almost as a dare to come and count the lakes.

In a state that consists of 87,014 square miles can there really be 10,000 lakes? Did they mean to say Land of 10,000 Puddles?

"We may have overexaggerated just a bit," said Leonard Samuelson, president of Minnesota's Travel and Tourism Office. "We count the lakes every five years and we tend to ... round up."

Satellite images reveal that Minnesota contains 2,349 lakes that are at least 50 feet long by 65 feet wide.

"That's actually one more than I thought we had," said Samuelson, referring to the satellite count. "We knew people would discover the true number of lakes one day. We [Tourism Office] just didn't think it would be this soon."

Rumors have surfaced that to prolong the discovery of the true number of lakes the Minnesota government contacted Google to restrict satellite images of the state. However, the search engine would not comply with the request and called it "a very weird thing to ask us."

Reports also surfaced that several artificial lakes were created to "fool" satellite images by covering small areas with aluminum foil to give the appearance of a small body of water. This tactic was soon abandoned as the price of aluminum began to rise.

Why has the state gone to such lengths to portray this image of Land of 10,000 lakes?

"It's really just a case of 10,000 sounding much better than 2,349. Yes, we did round up, but it's a good rounding up." said Carol Molnau, Minnesota's lieutenant governor.

CGI? Not for Valkyrie

On December 25, Valkyrie, starring Tom Cruise opened in theaters across the country. The movie, based on a true story, details the assassination attempt on Adolf Hitler towards the end of World War II.

In the movie, Colonel Stauffenberg, played by Cruise, loses his hand during a surprise attack by the Allies while in North Africa. Although the actor briefly contemplated actually amputating his hand for the role, co-stars convinced Cruise that computer-generated imagery (CGI) was the more responsible choice. CGI would be used to remove the hand.

"I asked him what would happen if he played a role in the future where he needed both hands. After some thought he shook his head in agreement," said co-star, Bill Nighy.

However, CGI can add thousands of dollars to the production of a major motion picture. Directors and actors often forget this fact as budgets for Hollywood films seem limitless.

A production assistant on the set of Valkyrie came up with a cost-saving idea to give the appearance that Cruise's hand was missing: lengthen the sleeve of his jackets and shirts.

Director Bryan Singer called the idea brilliant.

"In every post-battle scene Tom is wearing a uniform jacket in which the sleeve on the right arm hangs low enough to cover his hand. It really makes the audience think his hand is missing."

Though the right sleeve is six inches longer than the left it is virtually impossible to determine this while in the theater.

"Audiences would really have to be looking for it to notice it," said Cruise.

Hessian reenactors 'drunker than ever' on Christmas night

Trenton, NJ--The most coveted soldier reenactment position in the country is the role of a Hessian troop on Christmas night in 1776 during the Revolutionary War's Battle of Trenton. On this night, General George Washington and company bravely crossed the icy Delaware River and surprised the Hessian troops occupying the town of Trenton several miles downstream.

The Hessians were so busy celebrating the Christmas holiday that they offered little resistance to the advancing Americans.

"[The Hessians] were totally shit-faced," said reenactor James Vanze, referring to the absurd quantities of libations the mercenary troops indulged in that night 232 years ago.

Though St Pauly Girl was not available in 1776, the Hessians celebrated mostly with beer. Historical reports and journals have the party in Trenton being so raucous that soldiers sang songs using powderhorns as megaphones. Musket balls were used for juggling and not firing, and, so relaxed were the hired guns, that flintlocks sat unattended next to cannon ramrods.

It is this festive atmosphere that makes the Battle of Trenton reenactment the most popular in the nation. Soldiers apply for reenactment positions two years prior to the event, which is officially called: The Coors Light Hessian Troop Festival Extravaganza at the Yuengling Battle of Trenton Reenactment.

"We received over 25,000 applications this year," said Tom Schmidt, head of the Trenton Historical Society, which oversees the Hessian gathering. "We are only able to accept 200 soldiers. It is hyper-competitive." (New Jersey law prohibits historical military gatherings in excess of 200 people.)

Jim Tomling, a reenactor from northern California, participated in his first, and probably last, Trenton reenactment yesterday. Tomling's wife and three small children made the trek to celebrate the holiday together.

"It was incredible. This has been a two year process and it was all I thought it would be and more. I was so freakin' drunk. I just kept drinking and talking fake German," said Tomling, who was chosen by the selection committee despite not being able to speak fluent German.

Tomling was also lucky enough to win the role of learning from a local colonial boy, played by 12-year-old Princeton, NJ, resident Kevin Cornly, that the Americans were coming.

"It's one of the biggest roles. I had to run around the camp, while completely wasted, trying to convince the other soldiers that Washington was right down the road. I don't know how they chose me for that role. I feel like I'm dreaming right now," said a giddy Tomling.

Between reenactors and thousands of onlookers, more beer is served and consumed at the event than twenty NFL stadiums on gameday.

One amazed reveler reported: "I've never seen the reenactors as drunk as they were today. I mean, drunker than ever."

Sam Adams calls for Sam Adams due to storm not seen since Sam Adams

The mayor-elect of Portland, Oregon, Sam Adams, has called for a plan to help residents cope with the 14 inches of snow that has paralyzed the city. Portland, which rarely sees measurable December snowfall, has not received this much snow in nearly forty years.

"One inch in February is a lot of snow for us," said a grinning resident, Mark Benson. "We probably haven't seen this much snow since founding father Sam Adams was alive."

In a city known for its microbreweries Sam Adams (the mayor-elect) is calling on a macrobrew (Sam Adams) to ease the effects of the record snow storm in the city of nearly 600,000.

Sam Adams(the mayor-elect) is using four-wheel drive vehicles to deliver Sam Adams (the beer) to thousands of stranded residents.

"We are a city who likes our beer. We need our beer. One foot of snow is not going to stop us from getting our beer," said mayor-elect, Adams.

Critics feel by distributing a national beer in America's microbrew capital his approval rating could drop dramatically. Others say that delivering a beer with the same name could send him to the governor's mansion in Salem in the near future.

"It's a very interesting strategy," said political analyst Darcy Hilton. "He's not delivering milk or bread or water. He's bringing Oregonians what Oregonians love best."

Artificial tree farm attempts to capture holiday spirit with allen wrenches

West Coventry, PA—Kelly and Martin Gomez knew they were on to something when their next door neighbor, who fiercely dislike the couple, told them it was a good idea.

"It" is Forever Green Trees, Inc. It is not just a place to buy artificial Christmas trees but an entire experience.

"Jeff, who never talks or looks in our direction, told me that we had a pretty good little idea. This had to mean our idea was big-time," said Martin Gomez, co-owner of Forever Green Trees, Inc., referring to his neighbor.

A 2006 Cooper-Sinclair study showed that 8 out of 10 live-tree buyers would not purchase an artificial tree because of the toxic gases emitted. However, the other 2 out of 10 said it was simply because of the shopping atmosphere.

"People like the idea of fake trees. Actually, most people love the idea. Even as far back as olden days. But they are hesitant because of the store environment," said Kelly, co-owner with Martin.

Forever Green Trees, Inc. is a 200-acre "heaven on Earth" located in the outer Philadelphia suburbs in beautiful Chester County. The fields are covered with artificial trees as far as the eye can see. Every size, shape and color imaginable dot the rolling landscape. Plastic trees with fake snow and some with built-in tinsel are waiting to be given a good home.

"Here, we take the artificial tree and put it in an unartificial or natural environment," said Martin.

Instead of a saw, customers are given two phillips head screwdrivers, three pairs of pliers, a set of allen wrenches (pictured), two flat screwdrivers, a slinky, a rubber mallet, and, if the need should arise, a can of WD-40.

Buyers, much like a natural Christmas tree farm, are given the option of taking a horse-drawn wagon or sleigh to choose a favorite fake tree. There is also a red horse-drawn Hummer, refurbished from a Hummer that was severely damaged in Afghanistan.

Once a family has agreed on a favorite fakey (the term Kelly often uses for artificial trees) the appropriate tool is then chosen from the provided tool kit. Customers also have the option of taking the tree completely assembled, as this makes the tree "stay alive."

"To give it even more of a live-tree feeling many of our fake trees have a microscopic sap-producing device installed in the central pole or trunk," said Kelly. "When customers attempt to assemble or disassemble the tree small bits of sap will ooze through the screw holes."

Roughly ten percent of the trees on the farm are still in boxes, with pictures on the outside, so customers wanting to build their own tree on-site have the option.

"We had hot cyder and everything," said 10-year-old Billy McGonigal. "It took us two hours to make the plastic tree."

Soul only Arena League team to play 2009 season

The Arena Football League announced earlier this week that because of the current economic crisis the 2009 season will be canceled. Though the league does have television contracts and reputable attendance numbers, league officials felt it was the right decision.

Saved from the canceled season are the 2008 AFL Champion Philadelphia Soul. While the other 15 AFL teams are sitting at home during spring and summer the Soul will continue as planned with their 2009 schedule.

"We're excited to be the only team playing this season. I feel for the other teams, but this is exciting for the Soul," said team president, Ron Jaworski.

Shoe-thrower took shoe throwing lessons in U.S.

The journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush over the weekend reportedly received shoe-throwing training in the United States.

Muntader al-Zaidi, an Iraqi journalist, began planning "Operation: Shoe Lace" in 2006. It was then that al-Zaidi traveled to the U.S. where shoe-throwing is standard curriculum at numerous circus training schools.

"If you want to learn to throw shoes you go to the U.S. It's that simple," said Canadian Chris Danielson, 2007 Shoe-thrower runner up at the Las Vegas Invitational.

The journalist, who obtained a six month circus visa, funded his own travels to the states where he attended schools in Texas, Ohio, Pennsylvania and New Jersey and told teachers and fellow students he was planning to start a circus school for children in Iraq.

"I thought it was strange that he only wanted to learn how to throw the shoes, but never wanted to learn how to retrieve the shoes," said Dave Miller, instructor and owner of Circus Acts, Inc, the school which al-Zaidi attended in the Texas panhandle.

Miller went on to say that al-Zaidi graduated tops in his class at Circus Acts, Inc. and was shocked that he missed his intended target, President Bush, last Sunday.

"He excelled with sneakers and hiking boots while in training. So I was surprised that he elected to throw dress shoes. He was only an average dress shoe-thrower, but was deadly accurate with high tops," explained Miller.

On 40th anniversary fans throw shoes at Santa

ACLU releases PC CD for holiday season

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) is gearing up for the holidays by releasing a new CD featuring politically correct holiday songs. The ACLU teamed up with an all-star cast of musicians and non-musicians such as U2, Mariah Carey's younger sister, Barry Bonds, the Olson twins and Fred Savage.

The four-CD set includes the following songs and many more:

I saw legal guardian/caregiver Kissing the Present Bringer
I'm Dreaming of a Snow-covered December 25th
Rudolph the Nasally Challenged Reindeer
It's Beginning to Look a lot Like the 25th day of December
Frosty the Frozen Precipitation Personage
Chestnuts Roasting on a Carefully Watched Roasting Device
It's the Most Wonderful Time of a set of 365 Days
All I want for December 25th is my anteriors 8 and 9
Winter Wonderland
Smaller-sized Drummer Juvenile
Jingle Bell(singular)
A Dozen Days of December 25th
I'll be home Six Days Before the New Year
I'll be home for the 359th Day of the Year(non-Leap Year)

"We're excited about the CD. Everyone had a blast making this, even the non-musicians," said Karen Willston, ACLU public relations director. "You may see Barry release his own CD in the near future featuring all baseball songs. But you didn't hear that from me."

The reviews are in:

FOX News: "Surprisingly, not a bad little CD for the holiday season."
CNN: "Bono rocks the house with Smaller-sized Drummer Juvenile."
Martha Stewart: "I have a new book coming out soon."
Rod Stewart: "Both Elton and I were left out. But damn, this CD makes December feel like December should feel."

Burress changes story: 'It was a glockenspiel not a glock.'

New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress is changing his story. Burress, who allegedly shot himself in the leg at a Manhattan night club on November 29, is now claiming that he was not carrying a Glock, a small handgun, but a glockenspiel.

While it is true that the percussion instrument is a favorite among professional athletes, police have doubts about the players change of story. Some experts have said that Burress will be forced to play the glockenspiel to prove his proficiency to a court.

"Plaxico took up the glockenspiel about a year ago and often takes one to clubs to entertain the crowds. He often calls his glockenspiel his Glock," said the player's agent, Drew Rosenhaus.

And the wound in his leg? Burress says that one of the tuned bars, which he keeps sharpened for looks, pierced his leg while taking the glockenspiel out of his giant pocket.

Burress feels if he wasn't suspended by the Giants he would be ready to play football in a few weeks. How about the instrument?

"I don't know if I'll ever be able to play the glockenspiel again. It's tough. I may have to take up the xylophone."

South St bridge was not made by Phoenix Steel

The the 85 year old South Street Bridge finally closed today as workers prepare to dismantle the structure. Correct, they are dismantling and not demolishing.

The town of Phoenixville, PA purchased the bridge from the city last month and planned to move the span to the borough 23 miles northwest of Philadelphia.

"We bought the bridge because we thought it was made right here at Phoenix Steel. We were wrong and now we're stuck with this thing. I really should have asked before I bought the bridge," said borough councilman, Jim McKnight.

McKnight went on to admit that he confused the South Street bridge with the Strawberry Mansion Bridge (below). Phoenix Bridge Company, a division of Phoenix Steel, constructed the Strawberry Mansion Bridge in 1896.

"I'm selling the bridge on craigslist. It's listed under old bridges in the for sale section. It's also listed under used bridges," said McKnight.

Bush insists on using dollar bill for Army-Navy coin toss

Above, President George W Bush attempts to flip a dollar bill, instead of a coin, before the start of the 109th Army/Navy game in Philadelphia. The bill never landed as a gust of wind carried the paper money up and out of the stadium and into the adjacent parking lot. Although Bush wanted to see where it landed, game officials were able to convince him to use a coin for the coin toss.

Above, the crowd at Lincoln Financial Field follows the floating dollar bill as it makes its way out of the stadium. One cadet, who did not want to sound disrespectful, said the President should have used a ten dollar bill. "A ten's gotta be heavier than a one because it's worth nine more dollars."

Bush also addressed both teams prior to the game in each locker room. The President told the Navy players that "it's kinda weird that you came to the stadium in buses and not boats."

Stanford University to rename mascot AndSons

Stanford University's mascot has been known as the Cardinal since the school's inception in 1885. Many, especially on the east coast, mistake the mascot for a bird where it is actually the color—cardinal red. However, the university wants a mascot that brings the green.

Stanford, despite having one of the largest endowments in the country, is always seeking ways to generate funding for graduate research. For example, last year the school asked alumni to donate money. And the year before that alumni were contacted to give money to the school.

"You can never have enough money for research. We could be the ones to develop an earthquake vaccine or invent a cable-less cable car," said Stanford vice president, Dan Williams.

Beginning in the spring the university's sports teams will be known as the Stanford AndSons. The school reached a naming rights agreement with Nickelodeon, a cable tv station, to promote the stations reruns of Sanford and Son.

The deal is for two years and will pay the school $2 million per year. The giant redwood tree that adorns the university's logo will not be altered. Nickelodeon executives pushed for the tree to be replaced with a red pickup truck, but Stanford would not budge.

Although predominately geared toward children, the network's night time lineup, Nick at Night, is more for adults. And starting in the spring the network will begin airing Sanford and Son at 9:30 PM ET.

"We looked at this as win win situation. Stanford has a top tier sports program and with many nationally televised games audiences will know Elizabeth should be expecting Fred," said Nickelodeon president, Cal Essington.

Body discovered at Chester stadium groundbreaking

Chester, PA--A dozen golden shovels shimmered in the afternoon sun near the waterfront of this once thriving port city, the Commodore Barry Bridge in the background. Yesterday, the new Philadelphia area Major League Soccer (MLS) franchise broke ground for their new 18,000+ seat soccer-only stadium.

Both team officials and politicians are hoping that the new facility can spur development in Pennsylvania's poorest city. Despite the current state of the economy, officials reinforced that the venue will be completed.

The project, however, hit a setback yesterday when, during the groundbreaking ceremony, a team official discovered a body with his golden shovel.

"I took the shovel and began to push it into the ground and it stopped about three inches down," said a team official who wanted to remain anonymous. "I put all my weight into it but it still wouldn't penetrate the dirt. Something wasn't right."

As soon as it became apparent that the blockage was a body, ceremony attendees, including the mayor, governor and numerous fans were quickly directed back to the breakfast buffet table away from the scene. Chester City Police were eventually notified and subsequently shut down the area. Police would not release the identity of the body.

The joyous crowd turned somber after hearing the news and the Sons of Ben supporters sang "Ill Fly Away" as a tribute.

US Air warns: 'Your bag is important, but we'll get to your bag when we get to your bag'

NFL devises plan for broadcasting Lions on turkey day—Networks will share misery

The NFL, facing pressure from fans and television networks, has developed a plan for televising the perennially inept Detroit Lions on future Thanksgiving Day games. The winless Lions were thrashed yesterday, 47-10, by the Tennessee Titans(11-1). The plan calls for the five different networks that currently televise NFL games to "share the pain."

FOX, NBC, CBS, ESPN and NFLN will each be assigned one quarter of Lions' play(15 minutes) to cover on the fourth Thursday in November. This plan will commence in 2009 with NBC, ESPN, CBS and FOX showing the first through fourth quarters respectively.

The system will be rotating, where the fifth network—NFLN in 2009—will be given a reprieve from showing any part of the game. If a network televised the first quarter one year, they will televise the second quarter the next year and so on. The network that is given off will televise the first quarter the following year.

"It's not fair for any one network to bear the brunt of televising an entire Lions game to a national audience," said NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell.

When asked which network would be responsible for showing an overtime session should the game require one, the commission laughed uncontrollably and called for the next question.

"Is this ideal? No. We would rather have Detroit removed from Thanksgiving all together," said CBS executive, Jim Harstein,"but this is much better than what we had. Yesterday, we ran a commercial for Carl's Corner Deli in Huron, MI during the last quarter. Carl's Corner Deli? What is that about?"

The Nielsen Ratings for the fourth quarter of yesterday's lopsided Lions-Titans game showed a total of 47 tv's(total) tuned into the game. Thirty-seven of those sets were in Flint, MI, 5 were in Nashiville, TN and 5 were in Houston, TX—former home of the Titans.

Reid did tell McNabb that 'Shurmur has something he wants to tell you'

"Don was walking next to me coming out of the tunnel and I told him that Shurms[Shurmur] has something he wants to tell you," said Reid at Monday's press conference, when asked how he informed the quarterback that he was not starting the second half of Sunday's game against the Ravens.

Reid to shake things up, will wear fake mustache