ebay sandbag auction shortened for Red River emergency

Darryl Janhonen, of Brunsdale, ND, just south of Fargo, decided three weeks ago to sell off his 100,000-plus sandbag collection on the popular on-line auction site ebay. Janhonen, 47, has been collecting the bags for nearly a decade and meticulously numbers them in alphabetical order. Most of his bags are from towns within the Red River watershed, which, contrary to popular belief, is not a tributary of the Mississippi River.

"It's a hobby. In fact, It's a very popular hobby in the Fargo/North Dakota/Minnesota metroplex," said Janhonen.

Janhonen was eager to finally cash in on his longtime hobby. That is until the Red River, the border between North Dakota and Minnesota, began to rapidly rise last week toward record levels threatening many towns along the waterway. The father of four was never looking to earn extra cash at the expense of others.

"He was merely selling his collection," explained Mary Janhonen, Darryl's mother. "He wasn't looking to jack up the price and take advantage of people. He started the auction long before the river was rising."

The former resident of Moorhead, MN, just across the river from Fargo, decided he wanted to help the battered residents of these flood-prone cities. Not only would he physically lend a hand by pumping water from yards and basements back into the river, but Janhonen decided to shorten the length of his sandbag auction on ebay.

"The final day of the auction was suppose to be next Wednesday, but I moved it up to Saturday. That way desperately needed bags can arrive where they are most needed in plenty of time."

Fargo police, firemen and residents laboring to save the city all lauded the gesture by the native North Dakotan. The Fargo Chief of police, Dennis Samuelson, called it "the sign of a true sandbag collector."

"God bless him for moving the auction deadline up. Those sandbags are badly needed [in Fargo]. He's a hero. A 'dam' hero," said Northport, ND resident Haily Alfredson.

"I just hope Susy P. from Fargo wins the auction. All the other bidders are from Boise, Idaho. That would be a shame to send them all out west," said Janhonen.

Homeowner unhappy with Finnish basement

Sitting in a leather recliner below ground level can heighten one's senses to the sound of billiard balls colliding, that hollow ping pong ball nipping the end of the table or a relative repeatedly twisting the cue stick into the cube of chalk. These are not only sounds of enjoyment, but enjoyment in a finished basement.

Nick and Julie Ramsey have dreamed of finishing their unwelcoming basement from the day they purchased a three bedroom home in Sycamore Mills, PA five years ago. The couple pictured hours of fun for their three children, as well as entertaining friends and relatives, perhaps, with foosball, billiards, ping pong or wii.

The two opened a savings account for the sole purpose of funding a game and bar room complete with large screen TV, couch and reclining chairs (with mini fridges) in their "subterranean paradise."

"I've wanted a finished basement since I was a little kid," said Nick, an HVAC technician in Chester County. "Our neighbors had one and because of it I became quite the pool player. I still compete in leagues in Media on Tuesday nights, but the tables are all real small."

Finnish Basements, Inc. has been finishing basements for 15 years in southeastern Pennsylvania and south New Jersey. The Paulsboro, NJ company recently appeared in Philadelphia Magazine's Best of Philly for Best Basement Finishing and Crown Molding category.

Every Finnish Basements, Inc. contract, which are written in Finnish, states that the company will Finnish your basement to meet your specifications. Every contract also states, in small Finnish print, that "our specifications will also be your specifications."

"To be honest, the Ramsey's were our very first customer neither to have Finnish ancestry or to be born in Finland," said Jake Selanne, founder of the company. "We wanted to expand our customer base and so we took a huge risk."

Most finishing companies usually take on the task of transforming a dark, damp and leaky cave into an extension of the home with drywall, soothing paint colors, carpet and crown molding. Finnish Basements, however, attempts to accomplish this with a taste of Finland...and no building materials or tools.

Pictures, posters and occasionally small statues are imported from Finland to give the new Finnish basement authenticity. All products installed in a Finnish basement are guaranteed to be from Finland—including the fjord picture made from Finnish beer bottle caps.

"Sure, when the truck pulled up to the house I saw 'Finnish Basements' in big letters on the side, but I thought the owners were Finnish or they were somehow affiliated with Ikea," said Julie, who was being consoled by her sister.

"I spent $15,000 on posters of ice hockey, Finnish flags and Helsinki street scenes," said Nick, sitting down from uncontrollable shaking. "Fjord you!"

Selanne countered:"I asked [Nick] over and over if he really wanted a Finnish basement and he kept saying yes that it was a dream of his."

Biron credits improved play to extra work at carnival

The Philadelphia Flyers have won three straight games and have pulled to within seven points of the first-place New Jersey Devils. The club is starting to get hot at the right time and it may be linked to their goaltender, Martin Biron, getting hot at the right time.

Since February 22, 2009, the date of the Flyer's Wives Fight for Lives Carnival—a player and fan festival raising money for charities in the Delaware Valley, Biron has started 10 games and has won seven. The goalie has also won his last three starts for the team and has compiled and overall 2.71 GAA and .917 SV%.

What happened at the carnival?

Flyers fans taking shots at goalies has become a tradition at the Wive's Carnival. A portion of the ice surface has been left exposed to give smiling children the opportunity to fire a wrist or slap shot against such netminders as Hextall, Cechmanek, Soderstrom, Peeters and now, Biron.

Though the player dunk tank seems more popular, the shot-on-goal event can give a struggling goaltender the extra work that is critical to uncovering their A-game. During the event an astounding one thousand shots can be taken by, often angry, fans.

"I'll never forget the 1990 carnival," said Ron Hextall, the former goalie who spent two separate stints with the team and now serves as assistant general manager in Los Angeles. "I was struggling badly and I was planning on greeting the fans and maybe taking 20 shots. As I was skating off [Bob] Clarke ordered me back into net. I saw over 900 shots that day."

This year estimates put Biron's carnival shot total at 750. That is the equivalent of playing 21 games at 35 shots per contest. Most fans admit that Biron looked sharp during the shot-on-goal event and seemed to improve the longer it lasted.

"It was not only the extra practice I received during the carnival, but also one of the ferocious shooters gave me some great advice," said Biron about his improved play.

The ferocious shooter was Tommy Hartley, 10, a huge fan from Prospect Park, PA in Delaware County. Hartley went 3 for 3 against Biron knocking the water bottle off the top of the net twice. Biron felt better when he learned Hartley is the leading scorer on the Propect Park Salamanders youth hockey club.

"He told me to just be myself." said Biron about his hour long conversation with Hartley at the carnival. "He also said to focus and relax. He's a smart little guy."

Students' chant initially confuses media, viewers, other fans

Philadelphia, PA--At the Wachovia Center on Saturday afternoon a raucous chant echoed through the rafters during the NCAA men's basketball tournament second-round matchup between the Villanova Wildcats and UCLA Bruins. Initially, both television analysts and in-house fans were confused by what exactly the student section was shouting.

For fans unfamiliar with Los Angeles and the southern California climate--some east coasters, perhaps--the chant from Villanova fans may have never made sense.

With Villanova up 38-19 late in the first half a barely audible chant began to spread through the arena. As the chant became more organized it was clear that a designated portion of the student section (and some alumni too) were shouting a question and the arena's collective 'Nova fans were providing an answer.

"It took me a couple of minutes to determine what they were saying and until after halftime to get the meaning," said Jerry Wydnum, a sportswriter covering the game for the Delaware County Post-Dispatch. "The first part was 'Can UCLA?' and all the Wildcat fans would respond, 'Not through all that smog.'"

The contest in south Philadelphia was practically a home game for Villanova as only 15 miles separate the arena and the university. The crowd overwhelmingly supported the Main Line school.

"I was like, 'Can UCLA what? Why aren't they completing the question,' said Wydnum. "I know LA has lots of smog, but what was going on? What was happening?"

Wydnum, the other fans and the television analysts finally got it. The question 'Can UCLA?' translates into 'Can You See LA?'. The chant was taking a shot at Los Angeles' famous smoke and fog choked air, primarily caused by automobile exhaust.

"It was crazy down there," said Villanova fan Scott Dempster, a senior from Masquananook, NY, talking about section 107 in the arena. "[The students] got the chant started and it just spread through the arena. You have to admit that LA is pretty smoggy. I'm not a science major so I'm not exactly sure what two elements make up smog."

Some 'Nova fans reported seeing hundreds of UCLA backers willingly participate in the chant.

"I saw Ed and Charles O'Bannon on the JumboTron cheering and shouting, 'Not through all that smog,'" said Dempster. "Really! The O'Bannon brothers."

Concussions forced Gagne to consider Hollywood

Philadelphia Flyers all-star forward Simon Gagne has had a very successful 2008-09 season considering his chances of playing this year, and beyond, were in serious jeopardy. Gagne suffered three concussions in five months last season missing most of the regular season and was absent from the team's run to the NHL's final four. Things looked pretty grim for native Canadian.

Following the winger's condition very closely were producers and executives at CBS television network. CBS approached Gagne last June, after the season had concluded, about a possible television career if the left winger was unable to continue playing because of his head injuries sustained from brutal on-ice collisions.


The network had been in the process of bringing back the hit 80's detective show Cagney & Lacey, but had been unable to reach a contract agreement with Sharon Gless, the actress who played Christine Cagney during the show's original run. The network needed to move quickly in finding a replacement as filming was set to begin less than two months later in August of 2008.

"There was a lot of interest in bringing the show back for another go around with the original cast," said CBS executive, Scott Ribble. "But, truthfully, we wanted to change the show a bit to have a male-female team. And we needed the proper name. It's all about the name."

The key to bringing Gagne (pronounced Gon-yay) onto the show was getting him to anglicize his last name and abandon the French pronunciation.

"We wanted Gagne to rhyme with Cagney and we felt that would have been the formula for a hit TV show. We wanted Gag-nee not Gon-yay. Gagne & Lacey," said Ribble.

When asked whether having a male, with no acting experience, fill in for Cagney would affect the show's message and following Ribble responded,"The original show was revolutionary and cutting edge, but we would run with Simon's story of making him a hockey player turned cop on the mean streets of Philadelphia."

The show's setting would have moved from New York City to Philadelphia and writers had Gagne wearing hockey shorts while policing the neighborhoods. The tough cop would carry a firearm, but would never use the piece instead threatening thugs with old Zamboni parts he keeps in the trunk of his squad car.

"The French Canadian accent would be difficult for an American audience so we would have had a voice-over for Simon similar to a Sylvester Stallone voice," said writer, Jake Jenkins.

CBS made a formal offer to Gagne on June 15, 2008 and requested an answer by August 5, at the latest. The offer was never made public, but was said to be financially generous and possibly included three guest appearances on a CSI of his choice.

"[CBS] offered me a lot of money and CSI, which was difficult to turn down. The headaches were so severe that I had to look toward Hollywood. I love hockey but a television career would have been really favorable ... really bien."

Quebec Province in Canada—Gagne is from Ste Foy—loves their hockey players, but are infatuated with their television cop show heroes. Quebec City has a day honoring all the actors in CSI: Halifax and CSI: Portland (ME).

On August 4, 2008 Gagne sent the most difficult text message he has ever had to send. After composing the message for over an hour the Flyer hit the send button:

Dear Guys at CBS,
Over the past several months I hv made tremendous strides in my recovery frm concussion symptoms. It is with mixed feelings that I in4m you that Gagne & Lacey will have 2 wait as I have chosen 2 continue my NHL career & my quest 2 win a Stanley Cup with Philadelphia Flyers. I wish you luck with your search.

Two days later CBS announced an agreement had been reached with Norville "Shaggy" Rogers (aka Shaggy) from Scooby-Doo fame. The contract called for Shaggy to become Shaggny making it fit the shows title. Executives felt Shaggy's crime solving background and long arms would benefit the show.

Shaggy, a cartoon, has been drawn into every scene and has given Tyne Daly, the actress playing Beth Lacey, all she can handle.

"This is a low point for me," said Daly. "The writers have him saying Zoinks about 35 times per episode."

"Perhaps we could have lured Simon from hockey if we brought back Simon & Simon. Calling it either Simon & Simon & Simon or Three Simon's. Perhaps Two Simon's and One Simon if the show aired exclusively in French-speaking Canada." said Ribble.

Phils: 'Relax, we used plenty of peanuts and bubble wrap to ship Cole's arm to Philly for evaluation.'

Beer Week Enthusiast: 'I really thought someone was calling our beer weak.'

"I took it very personally," said Adam Zimmer, 36, of Bala Cynwyd, PA, referring to the idea of Philadelphia's beer being less than stellar compared to other American cities. "I kept thinking to myself we have Yards, Sly Fox, Victory, Philly, Dock Street, Nodding Head and Triumph to name a few and they're calling our beer weak?"

When Zimmer realized his spelling mistake he forced himself to attend Philly Beer Week events wearing a cardboard cowboy hat (pictured) made from a Coors Light case box.

"It was pretty rough," said Zimmer, "I got lots of stares. But not as many as my drunk buddy who kept yelling, 'Fillet Bear Wheat.'"

Phils to honor Dawkins: safety to throw first pitch

In an effort to give tribute to one of the most beloved Philadelphia professional athletes of all time the Philadelphia Phillies have announced Brian Dawkins Night at Citizens Bank Park for Monday, April 20 at 7:05 pm.

The team will fly Dawkins first class from Denver to Philadelphia (or pay for a limo if he is already in the Delaware Valley) for the game. Dawkins plans to take batting practice with the team and participate in fielding drills. The team has offered the safety an opportunity to address the crowd; however, Dawkins remains undecided as he recognizes "this will be an emotional night."

"This is an organization that has supported me unconditionally during my entire 13-year career in Philadelphia," said Dawkins referring to the Phillies. "I'm almost positive that I'll address the crowd."

"We'll have Brian throw a ceremonial first pitch with a baseball and then with a football. Ruiz will wear an Eagles helmet during the ceremony," said Phillies ambassador Scott Palmer.

Every Phillies player will also wear a green number 20 on their right sleeve for the game. Chase Utley, Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins will all wear dark visors attached to their caps as a tribute.


Though Mike Schmidt's number 20 is already retired the team said it will retire the number again when the legendary third baseman makes an appearance to unveil a green number 20 on the outfield wall for Dawkins.

In addition to honoring the safety critics also claim the move aims to lure even more fans away from the large Eagles fan base, adding to the thousands who migrated during the Phillies World Series run in October.

"The Phils opening day game is sold out and so is the ring presentation game on Wednesday (April 8, 3:05 pm), but they're trying to bring more fans for the cold weather weekday games in April. Don't get me wrong it's a great thing they're doing," said Dan Kelly, mlb.com analyst.

All fans 65 and under will receive a Brian Dawkins bobble head doll featuring the Eagle in a Phillies uniform tackling an unidentified New York Met player.

Brian Dawkins Night will also coincide with Hatfield Phillies Franks Dollar Dog Night where Joe Banner and Jeffrey Lurie will serve hot dogs for charity behind section 117 on the lower level firstbase line. Stop by for a visit.

Parking garage a treasure, will house paintings not cars

The new parking garage at the Philadelphia Museum of Art along Kelly Drive is finally open and ready for business. After almost two years of construction the final details are being added and work crews have begun cleaning up the site and removing the heavy equipment. The new garage, however, will be missing one detail—automobiles. So delighted with the results of the museum's latest project that board members couldn't help but alter the mission of the new garage--it will now shelter art.

"It turned out so nice that we can't possibly fill it with cars," said museum director Kaitlin Quinn. "It's going to add several hundred square feet to our exhibition space. It really is a blessing. It's quite exquisite."

The official name of the new exhibition space will be: The Pearlman-Tuttleman Gallery Space at Garage.


The added space comes at a perfect time with the Cezanne and Beyond exhibition in town until May 17, the most anticipated exhibition in some time. The museum plans to place half of the French artist's works in the garage for public viewing.

"It's so new and luxurious and with the weather about to turn we know it is a great place to show Paul's [Cezzane] work. Paul would be proud. Paul would just love it. He'd probably want to paint it," said garage designer Phillip Roselli.

The landscaped parking garage was suppose to help with the institution's parking shortage. It was constructed to provide over 400 spaces for museum visitors, but would also serve the Kelly Drive/Boat House Row and lower Fairmount Park recreational areas.

Gaits Contracting, Inc., a Buckingham, PA company and the builder of the garage, was disappointed when informed that cars would not find a temporary home here when visiting the museum.

"We build lots and lots of hideous parking garges from Maine to Florida, but this one was different," said Mike Hanks, president of Gaits. "We have never built anything like this before. This is our masterpiece. The whole crew was looking forward to seeing cars parked here."

Some donors are ecstatic over the new plans for the multi-million dollar facility while others feel mislead.

"I was so moved during the fundraising campaign when we were told that parking was so important for the future of the museum. That without parking the museum could slide into the Schuylkill. I feel a little betrayed," said an anonymous donor.

The Museum's floor plan design experts are estimating that the new space can support up to a thousand works of art. So cavernous is the garage that the Pennsylvania Academy of Fine Arts is considering relocating here.

Dawkins: 'Altitude will force me to curtail my pregame ritual.'

Sadly, Brian Dawkins, the Eagles' superstar safety for the past 13 seasons, signed with the Denver Broncos last weekend as a free agent. Arguably the most beloved Eagle of all time, the team failed to match a very aggressive offer from the AFC West club.

Dawkins came to Philadelphia from Clemson University and quickly formed a connection with a football-crazy fanbase that loves their defensive units. His departure has caused quite a backlash from the Eagles faithful.

The safety is known for his pregame rituals that transform the quiet Jacksonville, FL, native into one of the NFL's most feared, hard-hitting defensive backs.

During home games, when the defense was announced to the crowd Dawkins, in character as his favorite superhero Wolverine, charged through the inflatable tunnel and onto the field to deafening noise. The player was drawn to the comic book and movie X-Men character who is known for having great strength, super senses and quick healing capcity when injured.

"The doctors in Denver have seen tapes from my pregame routine," said Dawkins. "They tell me that because of the altitude here I will not be able to continue it as is. They say I could, and probably would, pass out."

Even before Dawkins runs, or rather crawls, through the tunnel he has already spent hours psyching himself into a state of mind that prepares his body for the car accident-type collisions soon to come.

"Brian allowed us to put a microphone under his jersey a few years ago and we heard the player speaking his own language and roaring himself into a frenzy," said NFL Films president Steve Sabol.

Most professional athletes in Denver have reduced or cut entirely energy-draining pregame practices because of the city's mile high altitude.

"When I was traded from Montreal to Denver I tried to continue with my pregame routine," said former Denver Avalanche goalie Patrick Roy, referring to his 75 laps around the rink at full speed while carrying a duffel bag full of cinder blocks. "I passed out several times."

Dawkins was very much looking forward to igniting the Denver crowd, a great football city, with his Wolverine program.

"I may change from Wolverine to to Mighty Mouse," joked Dawkins. "Seriously, I will almost definitely have to walk through the tunnel onto the field. I've never done that before."

Mall in the Sky Item: The Garden Yeti—scare your weeds away

Spring is right around the corner and before you know it your garden will be ready for aerating, weeding and planting. Whether you grow flowers, vegetables or carrots your garden needs protecting from mother nature’s natural predators—squirrels, cats, deer, rodents, muskrats, dogs, rabbits, muskmoles and muskraccoons.

You’ve tried the hollowed out, plastic owl for years only to see it become a perch for other birds and covered in grotesque droppings. Sure those droppings find a way to the soil and act as a great natural fertilizer, but the birds constant feeding on your newly planted seeds can devastate a home garden.

Introducing the Garden Yeti Statue: A 365/24/7 watchman for your patch of green paradise. The Garden Yeti was developed by Canadians, perfected by the Mongolians and manufactured by the Chinese.

Though the Yeti doesn’t move (some customers swear it does) it can be difficult to spot. At an unimposing 28 inches and 12 lbs, the Sasquatch can blend in with its surroundings or scare the pellets out of a rabbit or deer.

The Garden Yeti not only watches for unwanted wildlife but also useless plant life such as weeds.

“I did not read the fine print on the box and had no idea the Garden Big Foot prevented weed growth,” said Denise Roberts, 58, of Fox Chase, Pa. “My neighbors all commented on my garden’s lack of weeds last year and I attributed it to the 2,4-dichlorophenoxyacetic acid, my weed killer of choice. All along it was the garden Yeti that was scaring the weeds away.”

Winter takes its toll on your yard. Would you like to replace the old, faded mulch around your trees or gardens? The Yeti will scare old mulch away and provide a safe, comfortable place for your new liquorice root mulch.


As stated previously the Yeti does not move, nor does it make noise or encompass any internal mechanical device. Despite this, government regulations require any yard ornament greater than 10 lbs to use batteries. The Yeti calls for 56 AA batteries, 25 of which are included with your purchase.

The Garden Yeti does need to be registered with your local police department and finger printed as stated in Bill 34RHL873 passed by the United States Congress in May of 2007.

So go ahead, be the talk of your neighborhood and invite this friendly statue into your yard today.

S. Phila bar owner: Hornets fans no longer welcome

Since 1988 Mack McMikes Pub in South Philadelphia at the corner of Snyder Ave and 9th St has been considered a Hornets bar. Hornets fans, initially just a handful, gathered here when the team was officially added to the National Basketball Association in April of 1987. By 1991 the Philadelphia Area Hornets Fan Club had officially named McMikes as the team's home bar.

"Mostly transplants from Charlotte and the Outer Banks to Philly and the Delaware Valley," said bar owner Rudy Krygle when asked where exactly the Hornets fans were coming from. "Even though Charlotte has a new team (the Bobcats) a lot of our Hornets fans are from the Carolinas."

When the team moved to New Orleans in 2002 many of the area's loyal Hornets fans from Tobacco Road continued to meet at Mack McMikes along with a brand new contingent from the bayou.

Hurricane Katrina added to the crowd at McMikes in 2005 when several hundred of the storm's victims were relocated to Philadelphia and wanted a taste of home by watching their NBA team. The devastating category five hurricane eventually forced the team to relocate again, though temporarily, to Oklahoma City. The franchise's third city in three years pushed the bar's maximum capacity of 200 persons to the limit for most Hornets games as area Oklahoma transplants found their way to South Philly.

The somewhat rowdy crowd has been an enormous boost to Krygle's business. Though he takes some heat from other neighborhood bar owners who support the local teams—Eagles, Phillies, Flyers, Sixers and Kixx—Krygle is happy how things have turned for his bar since 1988. Or at least he was.

Last night the New Orleans Hornets were in town and their Delaware Valley supporters were hyped up. The Philadelphia/Tri-state Area Hornets Fan Club, lead by David Jimms formerly of Tulsa, Oklahoma, organized a pregame meal and rally at McMike's and were also hosting the Oklahoma City Hornets Fan Club.

"[The Hornets Fans] were way too energetic for a regular season game," said Krygle. "I've seen them energized for the playoffs, but this was off the hook. I had a bad feeling."

An Orlando Magic fan in town for Saturday's tilt against the Sixers and stranded by Sunday's Nor'easter decided to crash the party.

"Magic fans can be a lot like Eagles fans, very passionate and loyal and very in-your-face. It was like mixing oil and oil," said Jimms.


Suddenly, without any warning, an argument erupted which had been brewing slowly all evening. Several Hornets fans began pummeling the Magic fan with no-longer-available Oklahoma City Hornets foam fingers. Witnesses said the Magic fan kept referring to Hornets star Chris Paul as Paul Chris purposely. Police were called to the scene and made several arrests further preventing many fans from reaching the game and joining the reported 14,299 fans at the Wachovia Center.

"I've had it with Hornets fans," said Krygle. "They're like really bad Utah Jazz fans and Sacramento Kings if they formed an evil robotic robot."

Cover of stamp booklet mailed, now even more worthless

A desperate Kevin Berret, 39, of Pennsport (Phila), PA needed a single stamp to mail an almost-belated birthday card to his mother. As he opened his wallet, standing next to the neighborhood mailbox, he had a feeling that he had recently used the last remaining stamp from a book he purchased over three weeks ago. His hunch was correct.

All that remained of the Forever (Liberty Bell) double sided convertible booklet of 20 self-adhesive stamps were the 20 empty slots. Berret folded the booklet and placed the wax paper remnants into his wallet telling himself to 'think dammit.'

"At first I was like 'gaul dangit.' I was desperate and I was on my way to work with no time to stop at the Post Office. I just kept saying, 'get a hold of yourself.'"

His Center City bound bus was fast approaching the crowded stop and Berret was beginning to get frantic. It was then that he realized the empty booklet wasn't all together empty. He quickly fished for the booklet and staring him right in the eye (sun glare forced him to close his other eye) was the "21st Stamp."

Berret had heard stories about the "21 Stamp" but had never actually dared to use it. The cover from a self-adhesive book of stamps is quietly know as the "21st Stamp." It is not a stamp at all and pictures, in this case, a Liberty Bell, is four times the size of a normal stamp and displays a bar code. Often given to children as a toy sticker, the cover is worthless and mailing it further diminishes its value.

Berret hastily peeled the cover from the booklet, placed it on the envelop and dropped the card into the mailbox. The sound of his mail colliding with envelopes affixed with regular sized, bar code-less stamps sent his heartbeat racing.

"I got onto the bus and I could tell that everybody knew that I mailed the "21st Stamp." I could just feel it. I was sweating profusely. Could [the U.S. Post Office] track me by the bar code? I could see the on-duty mailman calling for backup once he discovered the stamp."

Several days later Berret's mother phoned to thank him for the card as this confirmed the cover from a book of self-adhesive stamps was mailed, and accepted, by the U.S. Post Office. The Center City architect let out a huge sigh.

"I am never doing that again."

Metal rails make sitting on ledge nearly impossible

At the southeast corner of JFK Blvd and 17th St there is an inordinate and unnecessary amount of standing taking place these days. Food stand patrons eat while standing, Septa employees take extended breaks while standing and impatient passengers wait, yes, while standing. All the while a perfectly good sitting ledge (pictured) stands idle just feet away.

Crowning the top of this ledge, however, are long, narrow, metal rails challenging passersby to sit at their own risk. This almost-waiting area is located at the base of a Center City office building adjacent to one of Septa's Suburban Station sidewalk elevator entrances. These rails render the ledge useless turning a possible bench into a ... ledge ... with rails.

"It's almost like they put them there on purpose or maybe they didn't. I can sit on them for maybe ten minutes at the most then I begin to lose the feeling in my legs," said Dan Roth, a Septa engineer.

Roth claimed that he was late for a shift several months ago after his legs fell asleep trying to sit on the ledge. The engineer had to be helped to his post by two coworkers.

Other prospective sitters feel that the building's management has no idea of the potential the ledge holds as a resting place. A Cooper-Sinclair survey shows that 5 out of 10 ledges, if given backs, would make great benches.

"I think they put the bars there for an artsy look. It's a good look. I mean I would sit on that ledge and eat my lunch if it wasn't for those metal bars and someone should tell them that," said Center City office worker Betsy Carmen.

Hot dog vendor Jim Selonski, who operates a stand yards from the ledge, feels that sales would increase 50-60% if the rails were removed. He claims that having his own "dining area" would set his stand apart from his competitors.

The building's management said they are considering removing the rails from 2-3pm, Monday through Friday and during random times over the weekend.

Steroyds planning to use a rod over the weekend

Tyler Steroyds, 45, of Norristown, PA is an avid fisherman. He is not, however, your everyday fisherman when it comes to the well-known North American style of angling with a rod. When the weather is nice, or even not so nice, you'll find him on the east bank of the Schuylkill River a stone's throw from the borough's Barbados Island with a bow and arrow.

One of the few area bow fishing enthusiasts remaining, Steroyds has decided to change his normal routine for the upcoming weekend by using a rod. The Delaware Valley Bow Fishing Alliance (DVBFA) member is always studying and investing in the latest bow fishing equipment in an effort to "think two or three steps ahead of the fish." Last week, however, after scouring outdoor gear catalogs and internet sites for weeks, he finally purchased a rod from Penn Reel.

"Steroyds using a rod?" said the fisherman's friend, Tom Giller,"I never thought that I'd see the day. It's about time Steroyds turned the screw on a rod."

Steroyds admits that he hasn't used a rod since he was child when he struggled to catch any type of fish claiming he "didn't like the style."

"It's like a rod was using me before; but this weekend Steroyds will use a rod to go fishing on both Saturday and Sunday," said Steroyds.

Mall in the Sky Item: Thermostone Rock Car Covers

Rock covers have been used for years to hide anything from unsightly utility pipes, garden hoses, deceased pets, and even real rocks that are to heavy and cumbersome to move, but don't provide the ideal "fake rock" look for your landscaped yard.

Well, the list of items to hide just got even larger. That's right! You can now purchase the extra large rock covers to hide your own clunker or even a neighbor's hideous jalopy.

Carol Becks of Downingtown, PA, and her family, recently went from neighborhood outcast to neighborhood un-outcast. Several months ago the family was the recipient of an anonymous letter asking them to park their rusted 1982 white Datsun 210 station wagon in the garage. The letter went on to say that children were scared and local wildlife had retreated from the area.

"I think the letter was taking two shots at our family. Yes, our car has seen better days, I'll admit that. But, the fact is, we don't even have a garage," said Becks.

After purchasing her new rock car cover three weeks ago neighborhood children (and some from adjacent communities) come to her driveway by the droves. The large cover has also lured wildlife that the area, and in some cases North America, hasn't seen in years.

"It really just looks as if there is an extra large rock parked in my driveway. But children are playing on it and deer and hawks have made a nice home as well. Who would have thought?" said Becks.

During the snow storm the area received two weeks ago there was a line of 20-30 children down the driveway waiting to go sledding. Though she has had the cover a short time the manufacturer has assured Becks that the top of the rock cover should remain snow-capped year round.

Becks' neighbor, Jim Ramirez, is determined to climb to the top once spring arrives in the Delaware Valley. Ramirez, 39, is an experienced climber who summited K2 in the summer of 2007.

"It's high," Ramirez said, referring to the rock cover,"But I'm starting my planning and training now and hope to be ready by early May. The fact that it's hollow will only make the climb more arduous."

Becks still uses her Datsun 210 station wagon everyday and uncovering the car requires the help of her husband, Dan, toddler son, Jacob, and a tire jack.


Over the weekend, while raising the cover up for a trip to the supermarket, an ibex (pictured) came tumbling down the cover and into the driveway.

"We didn't see the ibex. I swear. It must have lost its balance when we raised the cover. He wasn't hurt at all. Then it just ran into the woods behind our house," said Becks.

Child hip surgeries skyrocket over winter months

Philadelphia area hospitals experienced a dramatic increase in the number of hip surgeries performed on children aged nine to fourteen beginning in late November. Some hospitals, who haven't carried out this type of childhood operation in years, have completed over twenty-five in the last two and a half months alone.

The profound increase has been linked to the immensely popular Chase Utley, Phillies' superstar second baseman, and his November 24th hip surgery carried out to ease an injury that followed him throughout the 2008 championship season.

Billy Canapolis, 12, stared at his near life-size poster of Chase Utley hanging proudly from his bedroom wall. On November 23th, the day before Utley's surgery, Canapolis, using a Phillies magic marker, diagrammed the area where the operation would take place. Later that same day the Lionville, PA resident marked his own hip hoping to one day follow in Chase's footsteps.

"My f'n dad told me I could get f'n hip surgery for Christmas just like Chase. It's been really f'n cool. All my f'n friends at school are like, 'you're so f'n lucky,'" said Canapolis, who had the hip procedure on January 11.

Other children having the surgery were not given a choice whether or not to go under the knife. Todd Mercker, 42, father of little leaguer Jeffrey, 11, forced his son into surgery in mid January. Jeffrey admittedly has very little interest in playing or watching baseball.

"If Chase is doing it then maybe this will get my son into the Major Leagues. At the very least it will get my son to appreciate baseball," said Mercker.

"I'm feeling much better now. The doctor said there were some infections. My dad told me we were going to buy video games; I didn't know anything about the surgery," said Jeffrey.

Pediatric surgeons have been put in a very uncomfortable place since November 24th. Being asked to perform surgery on perfectly healthy children can be stressful, even though the recovery time for that age is estimated to be a little more than a month-unlike the 4-6 months for Utley.

"[The children's] hips are just fine and at first I refused to even discuss surgery with the families. Then I began thinking that I could possibly be operating on a future Chase Utley. That would be pretty cool and great for business," said Dr. Simon Toliver M.D., cheif surgeon at Philadelphia County Medical Center.

Insurance companies are also stepping up to aid Delaware Valley children. Unnecessary medical procedures are normally dismissed by bottom line conscience providers faster than ... necessary procedures.

"Many of [the executives] agreed, 'What the hell, it's for the kids,'" said Debbie O'Donnel, CEO of Franklin and Jefferson Health Network, a Broomall health care provider.

Even the great Chase Utley can make surgery ... hip.

Coach threatens Favre with bounty, pork chops

Rex Ryan (pictured holding helmet) the New York Jets new head coach learned that his task of turning the football club into a Super Bowl contender just became a bit more difficult. Yesterday, Brett Favre, the record-setting quarterback, decided to finally end his 18-year career.

Favre only played for the Jets for one season in which he admittedly underperformed, particularly at the end of the year. The team had very high expectations when they traded for the future Hall of Famer just before the 2008 season.

"The Bayou is calling," said Favre, referring to his native southern Mississippi upbringing and offseason home. "There's crayfish hunting to catch up on and I need to check the ATV trails."

Coach Ryan was very surprised by the news saying this was not an option he prepared for. Though the Packer legend had a subpar 2008 season, the coach has tailored the offense around the 39-year-old Favre since accepting the position several weeks ago. So integral to the coach's plans was Favre that several "warnings" have been issued by the new head man.

"At first I was calm about it and told him to just think [retirement] over. He wouldn't even do that for me. Then I asked him if he knew what the word bounty meant. And I didn't mean the paper towel," said a visibly upset Ryan.

After the quarterback laughed off the bounty, calling it "very 1988," the coach tried a new tactic and warned Favre that he knew of his weakness for pork chops. "I would hate to see anything happen to him while eating his precious pork chops," said the coach.

"It's true," said Favre, "I do like to eat pork chops."

Ryan's father, Buddy Ryan, was the controversial head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles from 1986 to 1990, who allegedly used a bounty in 1988 to intimidate Dallas Cowboys' kicker and former Eagle Luis Zendejas (pictured). In 1990 another Ryan incident occurred when Buddy began choking on pork chops while in a restaurant with Ted Plumb, his offensive coordinator.

"If Rex had threatened to put a bounty on my pork chops then I may have reconsidered," said Favre.

Bong maker latest sponsor to drop Phelps

Another company has decided to leave the Phelps business. Kakadu Bongs, Inc., a bong maker based in Nimbin, Australia, has decided to terminate its 8-year contract with Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps after signing the deal this past September.

This is the second sponsor to drop Phelps after a photo was recently published showing the Beijing 8-time gold medalist smoking marijuana. Kellogg, the world's largest cereal maker, was the first company to end a relationship with Phelps.

"We're just really disappointed with Michael," said Kevin Bernardo, president of Kakadu Bongs, Inc., shaking his head. "Just plain disappointed."

Coatesville arsonist wreaking havoc the old fashion way

The Coatesville,Pa area has been hit with yet another arson fire. The fire on Friday night in a mobile home park was the 23rd arson fire of the year for this city living in fear.

As far as ATF, FBI and Coatesville Police officials can tell the arsonist randomly chooses a property to set fire to in the proximity of this former steel town in rural Chester County. He or she then carries the supplies necessary for lighting the fire to the chosen site. From evidence gathered thus far matches, lighters or lighter fluid, the typical tools of an arsonist, are not used.

This sick and twisted fire-lover is a purist, which is extremely rare for an arsonist. This person uses sticks, bark, dried grass and animal dung to ignite his flames of fury. The FBI is still uncertain as to which animal dung—a fuel for fire in some countries—the arsonist is using, but it shows the qualities of deer or rabbit waste.

Once a spark has come from the twisting and rubbing of sticks, along with the combination of dung and grass, a hand bellow (pictured below) is used to fan the flame into a destructive roar.

"Because this guy is using old methods of fire starting he can spend anywhere from thirty minutes to three hours at the site attempting to start the fire," said FBI agent, Graham Northton.


The long period of time it takes to start the fire should make it easier for witnesses to report or authorities to apprehend the criminal. The boyscout methods, however, make it nearly impossible to trace the items' origins—sticks, bark and dung are not common items in local stores.

"I thought I heard a rubbing noise the other night on the side of the house, so I went to check it out," said Rob Lance, resident of neighboring Caln Township. "There was a a hole in my vinyl siding stuffed with grass and horse [manure] and a stick on the ground with a warm tip."

Authorities feel that the key to catching the arsonist is the hand bellow.

"Some agents feel that stopping the arsonist lies in tracing the dung. We really argue about this because I feel that it's the bellow. If we can get that bellow and talk to local bellow makers than this should be solved," said Northton.

Report: Flight 1549 crew demanded to sing Super Bowl anthem

Tampa, FL—Last Sunday evening the NFL honored the crew of US Air flight 1549 at the Super Bowl just prior to kickoff. The heroes responsible for landing the Airbus A320 jetliner on the icy Hudson River without one casualty were given a loud ovation from the crowd and were delighted to be in attendance.

"This is really special. I want to thank the NFL for inviting me and my crew," said pilot Chesley Sullenberger after the game. "It was secretly even more special."

At the time the pilot did not expand on his "more special" comment and was not asked by reporters to go into further detail. Reports have now surfaced that the pilot and crew wanted a bigger part in the Super Bowl pregame.

Yesterday, it was reported that Sullenberger and the crew first requested an appearance fee to show up before the championship game. Then, when NFL commissioner Roger Goodell refused to pay, they demanded to sing the national anthem.

"I was completely shocked when they asked for an appearance fee. Then they demanded the anthem for which we had Ms Hudson slated to sing. Co-pilot Jeffrey Skiles said, 'either we sing the song or we fly outta here.' I told them we can work something out," said Goodell.

The national anthem was sung by the popular Oscar winner and former American Idol contestant Jennifer Hudson. The Chicago native brought the house down with a beautiful rendition of the song. Her own version?

Goodell, Sullenberger and Hudson met several hours before the game to work on a compromise. Hudson expressed that she was starstruck to be in the presence of such great American heroes and would do whatever it took to get something worked out.

After two hours of often heated negotiations it was finally agreed that the flight 1549 crew would record the anthem in a studio prior to the game and Hudson would lip sync the recording. It was also determined that both the stadium and television audiences would not be informed of the change.

"It was difficult for one person to lip sync to a recording of five people singing, but I think I was able to pull it off. I think everyone thought that it was my voice," said Hudson.

Notes: The flight crew said they had mild flashbacks of the January 15th emergency landing when Hudson(spelled like the river) was introduced to the crowd.

The crew will sing the national anthem(on the field) at this weekend's Pro Bowl and will also co-host the 2009 Oscar's on February 22nd with Hugh Jackman. "I have a couple zingers already written," said Sullenberger.

Pittsburgh loses river during Super Bowl celebration

The city of Pittsburgh and Allegheny County celebrated the Steelers NFL-record sixth Super Bowl victory well into the early morning hours. At the time of this publication there were no reported injuries or deaths.

The city did, however, suffer a major loss when an estimated 200,000 rabid Steeler fans celebrated by throwing their Terrible Towels—towels adorned with Steelers colors and logos—into the Monongahela River. Fans were attempting to "dye the river yellow" by letting the towels float down stream and into the Ohio River. The loss, however, was not the towels.

The revelers crossed the Smithfield St Bridge, Liberty Bridge and the 10th St Bridge toward the peninsula, while others moved against pedestrian traffic toward Station Square and East Carson St. Meanwhile, ShamWow, an ultra-absorbent towel maker, outfitted many of the raucous celebrants with free towels as a promotion for the cleaning product company—The Terrible ShamWow.

"The first Terrible ShamWow towel into the river was an accident, but the yellow looked real cool so we all started tossing the towels in," said Ben Shafer, a celebrating fan from Slippery Rock, PA.

The Terrible ShamWows began to absorb massive amounts of river water at an alarming rate. Drunken, stumbling fans were too caught up in the excitement to realize the consequences that such a high concentration of ShamWows would mean for the waterway. Pittsburgh Police made a valiant effort to save the river.

"[The Police] made a great attempt to stop the fans, but it was too late. The entire river was gone within a matter of twenty-five minutes," said Officer Leslie Stokes. "There's no telling where a liquid goes once it enters a ShamWow. The Monongahela was my favorite of the three rivers. It had a certain ... flow."

The Monongahela River flows almost 130 miles from West Virginia north into Pittsburgh. It is one of only a handful of northern flowing rivers in the world. Together with the Allegheny and Ohio Rivers the city earned the nickname Steel City of Three Rivers.


"We're the city of Three Rivers and it's going to be costly and time consuming to rewrite all of the city's tourism literature to say 'City of Two Rivers,'" said Luke R. Ravenstahl, mayor of Pittsburgh.

"I really don't know what to say other than it really was a great river and there are still two more," said ShamWow president, Tyler Shamwow.

Half of Eagles would be Super Bowl-bound if Steagles still existed

In 1943, during World War II, the Eagles and Steelers joined forces to become the Steagles when many NFL players heroically volunteered or were called into the military. The shortage of players united all of Pennsylvania behind one team.

At least one current Eagle still wishes the state had one team.

"Half of us would be going to the Super Bowl this weekend if the Steagles were still around," said one Eagles' player who did not want to be identified. "If it's not too late I'd be willing to join the Steelers roster for one game. I mean ... there are two wars going on now and stuff."

The player did indicate that he had made a list of Eagles' players that would make up half of a Steagles' roster. He also hinted that Greg Lewis was not included on that list.

"Greg Lewis is not on the list," said the player.

City officials mildly concerned over Schuylkill ice circles

The tidal portion of the lower Schuylkill River has been ice-covered for over a week. The irregular arctic temperatures marched the ice in every direction, consuming the surface of the river like a rain-inspired Citizens Bank Park grounds crew covers the infield.

"One day fish are jumping out of the water, high into the air; the next day they hit their head so hard they can knock themselves silly," explained Tara Abner, a scientist at Southwest Philadelphia's Bartrum's Gardens.

Because of the tidal movement, some five to seven feet, and slow current of the river, the ice is not yet thick enough for most Philadelphians to set foot on.

"On Thursday night we had some idiot from a Boat House Row party attempt to ride a golf cart out onto the ice," said Hank Terrogski, an officer with the Philadelphia Police Marine Unit. "Crashed right through the ice. We joked that he not only created an ice hole, but was one too."

Terrogski estimated the thickness of the ice in the middle of the river to be anywhere from two to five inches. Not close to the eight inches of ice needed to support the average American.

Yet despite this fact there are a series of ice circles—not carved like crop circles—that have mysteriously appeared on the lower Schuylkill River, down stream from the waterworks and in the shadow of the light festival known as the Cira Centre.

Experts have been studying and testing the circles for the past two days using highly sensitive computer equipment and rulers. This special equipment allows the ice-ologists to not only study the circles, but test the formations as well.

"We use a special bucket truck situated on the riverbank to position a scientist over the circle. A core sampling device is used to both study and test the frozen river," said Jean Gilbert, ice-ologist with Le Ice, Inc., a Canadian ice consulting company.

"It could be that the fish are responsible and are attempting to convey a message," said Gilbert in his French Canadian accent, when asked what he thought was behind (or under) the circles. "[The fish] could be saying 'let us out of here. We cannot breathe properly.' Or something like that."

Le Ice, Inc., who has all but ruled out human culpability, is conducting their study at the request of Schuylkill Banks, a non-profit organization that operates the park, beach and trail adjacent to the lower Schuylkill River.

City officials, including Mayor Nutter, were not overly concerned about the ice circles and refused to spend taxpayers' money to learn more about the phenomenon. Many City Council members believe the circles are an elaborate prank orchestrated by local teens or Disney on Ice.

The city released this statement: "It's ice ... with circles in it. Get over it. It's prolly just kids."

Brunei shocked by Cardinals success

Bandar Seri Begawan, Brunei—Residents of this tiny southeast Asian country, situated on the north side of Borneo island, were indeed shocked when they learned that the Arizona Cardinals had advanced to the Super Bowl in Tampa, FL. Many of the estimated 400,000 inhabitants were surprised by the Cards victory over Atlanta, very surprised at the dismantling of Carolina and utterly shocked by the dispatching of Philadelphia.

The country's leader, Hassanal Bolkiah, also expressed shock at the notion of a National Football Conference represented by an Arizona Cardinals team.

"This is very shocking," said the leader. "Shocked! That's all I can say. Utterly shocked. As I'm sure much of the world is."

From Namibia to Sri Lanka and the Maldives to Uruguay the world is shocked by the Arizona Cardinals playoff run.

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Cardinals fans say they have always had faith that their beloved football team would push this far into the NFL postseason.

"We shocked the world. We never had any doubt. We are not shocked by how our team has performed. Not shocked at all," said Dennis Bertuzi, a Cardinals fan from Flagstaff, AZ. "I have to assume, though, that much of the world is shocked."

A large number of Cardinals fans did, however, express being shocked that Tottenham Hotspur and the Blackburn Rovers were in 16th and 17th place, respectively, in the current English Premier League standings.

Reflecting Pool expected to double Inauguration crowd size

Washington, DC—As many as three million people are expected to descend on the U.S. Capital/National Mall area today for the historic inauguration of President-elect Barack Obama. The city of almost 575,000 residents will be bursting at the seams. Hotels, rails, planes and buses have been booked for months. The DC Metro, the region's aging subway line, is expected to be operating non-stop.

As large as the crowds will be, they may appear even larger. The Reflecting Pool, located on the west end of the mall, is expected to give the appearance of six million onlookers.

"The pool is great for reflecting and will make it seem that the crowd is actually twice as big," said Jim Fletcher, Inauguration '09 senior security adviser. "Security will be ready for three million or six million."

US Air upset that passengers stood on wings

Yesterday, a US Air flight made a water landing in the Hudson River near Manhattan. It is believed that the plane, an Airbus 320, struck a bird or several birds shortly after takeoff and suffered severe engine damage.

Unbelievably, there were no fatalities as the pilot glided the plane, keeping the nose elevated, into the icy cold river. As the plane began to take on water, after coming to rest, the 150-plus passengers and crew exited into the arctic air and onto the wings.

This is where US Air feels the pilot, Capt. Chesley B. Sullenberger, did not follow proper protocol.

"It's marked clearly on the wing:'This is not a step,'" said Charles Kapp, a US Air passenger relations official. "They're not meant for climbing or standing."

The wings together with jet engines (to propel the plane forward) are credited with making flight possible. Though extremely durable, the wing is a highly delicate section of the plane.

"The pilot did an incredible job of saving lives. He followed the guidelines for a water landing perfectly. We witnessed a miracle today," said Kapp. "Then he went and let the passengers stand on the wings."

Though no deaths or serious injuries were reported, several passengers were shaken up and taken to area hospitals both in New York and New Jersey.

"As the plane was going down I just kept saying to myself over and over, 'Please don't let this be the East River. Please don't let this be the East River,'" said passenger Gail Summers, 46, of Rye, NY. "Thank God we didn't land in the East River."

Eagles will stay in popular, quiet Four Corners area of AZ

The Philadelphia Eagles will leave for Arizona and the NFC Championship game on Friday and they will not be staying in Phoenix during their time in the desert. Nor will they find accommodations in Tempe, Mesa, Glendale, Scottsdale or any other dale.

In fact, the team will not be in the Phoenix metropolitan area at all. They will be 360 miles to the northeast in the Four Corners area of Arizona.

Four Corners is the only point in the country that is shared by four states—Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado and Utah. It's a popular destination for tourists wishing to stand, kneel or lie in four states at the same time.

Coach Andy Reid wants the team to bond and relax the night before the biggest game of the season. Most importantly though, Reid would like the team to stay out of trouble.

"I just want the guys to get rest. I'm not concerned if they want to run a passing route through Colorado or New Mexico or any other part of whatever," said Reid. "I'll go to war with these guys."

"If the coach wants quiet that's exactly what he's going to get," said Sandy Oliver, Four Corners director of tourism-Arizona division. "There's a golf course here that includes a hole where you tee off in Arizona, chip in Colorado, improve your lie in Utah (but don't lie) and putt in New Mexico. That's about it here in Four Corners."

The team hotel is all one building but half the players will be in Arizona and the other half in Utah. The Utah side of the resort has a 8pm lights-out policy.

The Four Corners Resort will arrange a golf outing and provide buses to the monument every fifteen minutes.

"I've always wanted to play four square on the Four Corners Monument," said David Akers, Eagles kicker, referring to the popular schoolyard game.

Akers and teammates can play four square, but not like the professionals. The team will miss the National Four Square Tournament by one week. For the first time the tournament will be held at the monument.

On Sunday the team will board a 9am flight in Teec Nos Pos, AZ for Sky Harbor International Airport in Phoenix; then be taken directly to the University of Phoenix Stadium for the game.

Schwarzkopf, Fitzgerald remain close despite '02 firing

Former United States General Norman Schwarzkopf will be in attendance during Sunday's NFC Championship Game at University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, AZ, to watch Arizona Cardinals' wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald attempt to advance to his first Super Bowl.

The unlikely friendship began several years ago as both are graduates of Valley Forge Military Academy in Wayne, PA.

The two met in 2001, at an alumni and current student function, while Fitzgerald was attending Valley Forge. Fitzgerald had always wanted to meet the general whose action figure he regularly played with as a child growing up in Minnesota.

Schwarzkopf had long been a football fan and some have speculated that had he not been a five-star general that he would have pursued an NFL career. Stormin' Normin soon became the receiver's personal trainer, pushing the player to the extremes to make it to the NFL.

"Workout sessions were extreme. They would last ten hours a day and I would be mentally and physically exhausted afterwards," said Fitzgerald.

The 2002 VFMA graduate quickly soured on the general's methods claiming that some training sessions "did not make any sense." The general would force the player to practice firing a rifle or cleaning the showers with dental floss. This would seldom be followed by sprints and running pass routes.

Learning to operate tanks, hummers, half-tracks and jeeps (both windshield folded up and down) were all a common part of practice. Fitzgerald began to second guess the Gulf War hero's methods after running routes on a field containing live, submerged land mines. The University of Pittsburgh-bound player had seen enough.

"The NFL is tough and I was trying to prepare him to be a soldier of football. Eight times a season he is asked to invade another NFL stadium," said Schwarzkopf. "And that doesn't include playoffs."

"It was just weird. I mean I didn't see the relevance of grenades to football. At first I thought it was a Mr Miyagi/Karate Kid-type thing where I was unknowingly learning relevant skills. That, however, wasn't the case. I had to fire him. Can you imagine firing Schwarzkopf?" said Fitzgerald.

So fearful of the general was the wide receiver that he kept him as his trainer for another two months. The entire training relationship lasted two months and two weeks and was abruptly terminated by way of phone call from former Secretary of State Colin Powell (Fitzgerald,through VFMA connections, pleaded with Powell to carry out the firing).

"I've never been fired from anything in my life," said Schwarzkopf. "It took me a long time to get over [the firing]. My initial reaction was to get into a tank, but I didn't. I wished the kid all the best."

The two reconnected in the summer of 2008 after not speaking for almost six years. The general attended two Cardinals games this season and took in several team practices despite calling them "devoid of military tactics."

"He's the best receiver in the NFL ... and I'd like to think I had a little something to do with that," said an emotional general.

Cactus mistaken for really tall, cooperative illegal immigrant

Somewhere near Douglas, Arizona—In the southern Arizona desert, near the Mexican border, Tom Russel quietly slid a walkie-talkie from his holster to call for backup. Russel had spotted what appeared to be a person illegally crossing the border into the United States.

It was Russel's first shift working solo and only his sixth day on the job as a U.S. Border patrolman. First year patrolmen are not usually asked to work alone, but recent crossings near Organ Pipe National Monument, some 200 miles to the west, demanded additional patrolmen from the Douglas base.

The patrolman first saw the apparent border crosser about an hour before sunrise. Until then Russel, situated about 20 yards away, was locked in a standoff when the person refused to lie down as standard Border Patrol procedure requires.

"At first I was like this guy is really cooperating," said Russel, an embarrassed rookie patrolman. "I thought he must have heard me coming because his hands were already in the air and he was as still as can be. But then he wouldn't lie down when I told him to."

It was not until sunrise that the officer realized he was attempting to negotiate with and apprehend a cactus for the past hour.

Two days after the incident Russel was reassigned to the Canadian border where he will spend a year in Sherwood, North Dakota questioning Americans returning with pharmaceuticals, hunting catches and higher alcohol content beer.

"I've never been north of Tucson," answered Russel when asked whether he looked forward to his new assignment.