Marlins nix Fidel Castro Bobblehead promotion for 'no particular reason'

Team unsure what to do with 30,000 figurines

Report: Coast Guard loses three men while sinking unmanned Tsunami Ghost Ship

Alaska--The ship that has captured the imaginations and attention of millions of people worldwide is now at the bottom of the ocean, but not without paying a steep price. The fishing vessel, referred to as the Tsunami Ghost Ship, took over a year to drift across the vast Pacific Ocean and into U.S. (Alaska) waters after a 9.0 earthquake generated a tsunami that hit the coast of Japan last March pulling tons of debris into the sea. U.S. government officials instructed the Coast Guard to "take out the ghost ship by any means necessary." Officials will not comment beyond saying that the mission went "horribly, horribly" wrong and three brave members of the Guard have been lost. The Coast Guard issued this statement: "They will not be forgotten. They risked their lives to send that unmanned, rusted threat to our national security to sleep with the fishes. We salute you."

Valley Forge Casino Opens: Park reenactors including new slot machines in tales from the encampment

Above: The new Outdoor George Washington Headquarters and Dimes Slot Machines in Valley Forge National Historical Park. Reenactors have been instructed by park officials to include the slots when telling stories of the revolutionary encampment during the harsh winter of 1777-78. "General Washington, after receiving a letter from British-occupied Philadelphia denying the request for more troops, ammunition, and money, rushed from the warm confines of his stone headquarters seeking solace--and possibly financial help--from the slot machines just steps from the entrance," said an animated Valley Forge reenactor Julia Beckworth to the twenty or so tourists gathered in the small farmhouse. "He played the machines for several hours and won enough money to feed and clothe the troops during the brutal winter. And, ladies and gentlemen, you can win, too. Please, exit out the front and try the slots like General Washington did hundreds of years ago."

New stadium: Marlins unsure what thousands of 'things in stands clapping and cheering' are

Every year same debate surfaces as March turns to April: Should spring training batting practice home runs count as regular season statistics?

Tampa, FL--The debate is as old as baseball itself, well, maybe at least as old as spring training itself. Each spring when the snow begins to melt and the color green becomes less of a stranger, baseball fans, players, statisticians, announcers, those not interested in baseball, politicians and most everyone else on the planet argue over the same issue: should baseball spring training batting practice home runs count for regular season statistics? "Listen, I'm not here to argue one way or the other, I'm simply here to say that it is a hot debate each and every year. And, eventually, Major League Baseball will have to address the issue. Whatever they decide," said Terry Bronson, president and sole member of the South Jersey-based group JBIBPIFOADMINRB (Just Because It's Batting Practice in Florida or Arizona Doesn't Mean It's Not Real Baseball), "I'll accept their decision."

Lottery officials investigating one of three winning tickets in record jackpot

Baltimore, MD--Mega Millions Lottery officials have called upon expert lottery fraud investigators to analyze one of the winning tickets (pictured above) from yesterday's record $640 million jackpot prize. Winning tickets were sold in Illinois, Maryland and Kansas, and the authenticity of one of these tickets--officials are not saying which one--is being seriously questioned.

"It looks like notebook paper to me," said Mega Millions official Jeff Constantine, when asked what made the multi-state lottery take a second, third, fourth and fifth look at one of the three winning tickets. "I can't say definitively until we get the notebook paper official test back. Also, Mega Millions is not a hyphenated word, but that could have been a printing error on our part."

Another lottery official commented: "The numbers almost look handwritten, but there's also a chance that they are not handwritten. What stood out to me was that one of the numbers is crossed out. There is something very odd about that. However, it is crossed out so well that it could just be a computer glitch."

Some officials are embarrassingly impressed by the craftsmanship of the ticket. "If it is fake it's one of the best forgeries that I have ever seen," said Gail Leopold, an independent lottery fraud consultant with Cooper-Sinclair. "At the top it has 'Official Ticket', which, to me, means it's an official ticket. Plus, all of the numbers are correct. It's going to be very difficult to deny this winner a claim to over $200 million."

A decision to split the winnings two ways or three ways should be made by Monday.

Giant Post-it note on Big Ben reminding Londoners to host Olympics this summer

Judge assures heart that sentence inside Cheney 'should only last a few weeks'

Heart: 'I was wrong for what I did, but I don't deserve this punishment.'

Manning confident larger Denver market key to landing endorsement deals, 'getting name out there'

Star quarterback claims Indianapolis' smaller market restricted his ability to secure endorsement deals. 'People will know who Peyton Manning is now.'

Windy City reveals brutal method behind dyeing Chicago River green for this year's St. Patrick's Day celebration

"We like string beans, but we like St Patrick's Day a whole lot more," said one city official.

Lehigh overcomes 'disturbing' number of consonants in defeating Krzyzewski

Mountain Hawks' coach shouted consonants at players during practice all week; had fans wear t-shirts with single, large consonants.

Construction company says truck makes for some very interesting days

N.B.A. moving closer to implementing center court jump ball after each basket scored

New York--The N.B.A. is on the doorstep of adopting several new rules beginning, perhaps, as early as this year's playoffs. First, a jump ball at center court will follow each basket scored. No longer will the team scored upon inbound the ball from the baseline to restart play. "It's something we should have done years ago," said commisioner David Stern. "It will lengthen the game by, on average, three hours to allow for more advertising." Second, players will be permitted to celebrate after each basket (below)--much like hockey does after each goal.

Embarrassed bomber jacket maker drops 'unintentionally offensive' Susan Boyle ads

Company and singer admit it sounded much different on paper.

Mike Emrick uses popular outlook on dancing when it comes to calling N.H.L. games: Announce like nobody is watching

Says it's easier knowing that no one really is actually watching

Report: College students increasingly using stapler for single sheet of paper

New York, NY--A recent report by Cooper-Sinclair shows college students across the county are using staples to egregiously fasten a single sheet of paper. "I staple single sheets of paper all the time," said Rebecca Martin, a sophomore at Livingston University in Prendinbury, NJ. "Really, I paid for those staples with my tuition, so whether I have one sheet or 12 sheets of paper I'm going to use the stapler." Livingston University officials say the practice of stapling lone pieces of paper is growing in popularity across their suburban campus of 3,400 students. "I staple single sheets because it tells the world that I don't give a shit," said Brandon Wheaton, 21, a junior. "It says, 'World, your in my world now World.'" Others echoed Wheaton's reasoning:"When I hand in an assignment that is one single paper and I see that staple on the top left, it says, 'We play by my rules, my laws and my world, ironically, is lawless," said Gina Donnelly, 25, an undecided third-year senior. Whatever the reasons for stapling, Livingston U. is desperately attempting to combat the trend with paper clips.

The Jeremy Lin Movie: Skarsgård joins cast as 'inspiring Harvard professor'

The film is due in theaters in late April
New York--Swedish-born actor Stellan Skarsgård who has appeared in countless Hollywood films over his long career, has officially signed on to the cast of the Jeremy Lin movie due out in mid spring. Skarsgård will play Dr. Devlin Eklund, a Harvard English professor that, according to questionable sources, convinced Lin to join the basketball team after seeing the prolific student throw a piece of paper into a trash bin from the back of a classroom. "It will be a lot like my role in Good Will Hunting," explained Skarsgård, referring to the 1997 Matt Damon film. "Instead of M.I.T., I'm now at Harvard dealing with letters instead of numbers, and I see this kid, one of my students, make an amazing 'shot' into the waste paper basket. Right then and there I know this kid will go to the NBA someday." Skarsgård is joining Robin Williams, who signed last week to play Lin's mentor, and Ben Affleck, who will play Jeremy Lin. Lin has disassociated himself from the project saying, "That's not at all how the story went down." Legal issues may force multiple changes to the film: Jeramee Lynn, Haverford College (PA), New York Nicks, and, possibly, A.B.A. instead of N.B.A.

Disgruntled yogurt factory worker apologizes for creating retaliatory flavor during nasty labor dispute: Fruit from my Bottom

Company warns customers to 'really keep an eye out.'

Entire Deadliest Catch 'studio' audience missing after rough storm

Rescuers preparing to call search off.
Dutch Harbor, Alaska--Filming was well underway for the new season of the Discovery Channel's hit reality show Deadliest Catch when tragedy abruptly struck. For the upcoming season--the eighth--the network decided to add a live audience to "change things up." On Thursday, a nasty storm in the Bering Sea capsized the barge carrying the audience and no bodies have been found. "Though the show is not filmed in a studio we still referred to the audience as our studio audience," said executive producer of the show Gregory Callahan, wiping away tears. "I'm sick to my stomach about the whole thing. Having an audience out on open water was my idea ... I'm just sick about it." The show purchased a new barge and a local nautical company retrofitted it with bleachers to hold 350 audience members. The "Bleacher Barge" was towed by a large tug boat that followed one designated crabbing boat for a week. When asked where the audience was expected to sleep Callahan explained that not all the details had been worked out yet.

Couples running on same treadmill: adorable or dangerous?

New York--Doctors and fitness experts are at odds over the latest (peculiar?) fitness trend which is becoming increasingly more popular across the country: couples running together on the same treadmill. Is this practice adorable or dangerous? "I'd like to say it's adorably dangerous," said Dr. Benton Thomas of New York University. "It's great to see couples becoming active together, but treadmills can be dangerous even for one person. I recommend purchasing a second treadmill and place them side by side." It is believed that the trend started in the Big Apple within the last year and is now common from Boston to Seattle. "Sure, we've had some horrible accidents at our gym with couples on treadmills, but it gets people active again who would otherwise be on the couch eating cheese curls. Plus, our membership numbers are up," said Hank Belgrade, the owner of Dumb Belles Gym in Lower Manhattan.

Former New York Giant donates Toomer to Mutter Museum

Philadelphia--Amani Toomer, the former N.F.L. wide receiver who played for the New York Giants from 1996-2008, ignoring the heated rivalry between the northeast's two largest cities, made a very generous donation to Philadelphia's Mutter Museum last week.

"They'd been after me for years to donate and, being in a good mood after watching my Giants Super Bowl victory, I decided to donate," said Toomer. "I was reluctant at first, but I did it."

No, the donation was not in the form of a giant check or a stack of cash, as the California native has no real connection to the area, the famous museum or its staff. The museum, oddly enough (or maybe not so oddly enough), was after something altogether different.

The Mutter Museum is part of the College of Physicians and has become widely known, even beyond the medical field, for housing a vast collection of, as the New York Times describes it, "medical oddities that delight, frighten, elate and scare the senses simultaneously."

Actually, the donation has been in the crosshairs of the museum since the player came into the league in 1996.

Why? Well, one of the prize pieces of the Mutter Museum collection is the tumor of President Grover Cleveland (pictured below) and the staff has been desperately looking to add a signature piece as a headline, visitor-attracting neighbor: enter Amani's Toomer. The Michigan alum's Toomer (jersey) will be labeled and placed in a jar of formaldehyde, like Cleveland's tumor, to be preserved for generations to come.
"We really desired a contemporary athlete's medical oddity as a unique addition to the museum's extensive and exhaustive collection. We secured Brett Favre's ego last year--when he passes on--and now we have Amani's Toomer," said the museum's director of promotions Michael Bontini, smiling from ear to ear. "Even before I came onto the scene here four years ago the College had contacted Amani on a number of occasions about his Toomer."

"Wow, I think they contacted me as early as 1996 about handing over Toomer and I was like 'who is this and how did you get this number?' I had never even been to the museum. But they came up to meet with me, almost by force (he laughs), a couple times early on, I learned a lot about the College of Physicians, but I just didn't feel comfortable doing it at the time," said Amani. "They contacted me each year since and, finally, Gladys [Trembower, the director] and her persistence paid off. I was ready to hand over Toomer."

Part of the donation deal clearly outlines that the museum is sole owner of Toomer, and from this point on Amani Toomer will simply be known as Amani. "That's why this was such a difficult decision for me, I was just handing over my last name to a random, but flat out wacky museum in Philadelphia. But, I'm doing it because I love their mission and it kind of gets my name out there. Plus, did I mention that it is just a flat out wacky museum?"

The staff has made it clear that they are looking to attract more New Yorkers to visit the museum, and the addtion of Amani's Toomer combined with the Super Bowl victory may be the exact recipe needed.

Going against his advisors, Romney spending billions on campaign in Utah

For security reasons future Super Bowl sites will not be announced until one hour before kickoff

Super Bowl: Gisele's Gazelles: Brady's wife's new charity attempting to save the non-endangered animal

Indiana using Super Bowl as a platform to promote corn as an ingredient in everything

Pipeline company customer appreciation dinner has tough act to follow at Lucas Oil Stadium

"No, our customer appreciation dinner will not be the spectacle that the Super Bowl is, but we'll sure as hell try," said Robert Grapple, assistant CEO of EJP & Sensus, a pipeline specialists company who reserved Lucas Oil Stadium, this year's site of the Super Bowl in Indianapolis, for a company event nearly two weeks after the big game. "Did I mention we sell all kinds of piping. Go ahead, name any kind of pipe or pipeline or piping. I guarantee we sell it and I'll double guarantee that we'll install it. Pipe originated in Mesopotamia in ... well, it was certainly very early on. Pipe carries water and all sorts of other kinds of liquids. Pipe comes from the Latin word pipetus, which, roughly translated, means pipe."

Local family 'lives' for Pro Bowl

Downingtown, PA--Shane Tolliver was just a kid in 1982 when he attended his first Pro Bowl in the 50th state admitted to the Union. In fact, the then ten-year-old can only remember the hard tackling and the giant, tubular waves crashing the pristine Hawaiian beaches. He's been to every Pro Bowl since and has no plans of missing the game in the future.

The Pro Bowl is the N.F.L.'s All-Star game, played in Hawaii since 1980 (except 2010) it showcases the best in the N.F.C. vs. the best in the A.F.C. It will again be played in the Pineapple State this Sunday on one of your television's channels. (I dare you to try and find it.)

Tolliver is from the Philadelphia area but exercises no allegiance to the Eagles or any other N.F.L. team for that matter. He is adamantly and strictly a fan of "just the Pro Bowl."

"It's the best football there is, period," said Tolliver, wearing an autographed Randall Cunningham Pro Bowl jersey from the 1989 game that featured the high-flying quarterback at his best. "I don't watch any regular season or playoff games, they're lame. This is it. The Pro Bowl is what it's all about. To be honest, I don't even really like any other sporting events."

The entire Tolliver family--brothers, sister, kids, grandkids, parents, etc.--are exclusively focused on the Pro Bowl.

"You know how people get geared up for the stupid Super Bowl?" said Tolliver. "Well, that's how I, and my entire family, get for the Pro Bowl. It's the ... all-star ... of, well, you know ... football games."

Tolliver's father started the tradition of all-star games when his father brought him to the 1942 N.F.L. All-Star game in Philadelphia, before it was called the Pro Bowl.

"The storylines are just so compelling," added Tolliver's brother Jim, who is in charge of organizing bets at the Family Pro Bowl party. "You have guys that battled each other all year and now, all the sudden, they're best buds and teammates. It's fantastic theater. This could be on Broadway or, at the very least, Broad Street."

The conference that wins the Pro Bowl gets bragging rights for a year and all the perks that come along with the victory. For example, the Pro Bowl championship trophy (a silver coconut), much like the Stanley Cup, is taken by each player to their home town for two days. The player can do what he pleases, within "reasonable means," and show off the award to family and friends.

"Maybe the best part about the whole Pro Bowl is that the players get to wear their own helmets. I mean, the helmets from their own team. That's just so cool," said 8-year-old Justin Tolliver, Shane's oldest son. "It's neat."

The family also noted that they love the advertisements during the game and often quiet each other in order to hear the 30-seconds spots that company's pay over $5 million for.

Ship passengers offered collector's edition Love Boat action figures as compensation

Miami, FL--The Carnival Corporation announced today that all passengers aboard the Costa Concordia that ran aground off the coast of Italy on January 13 would be generously compensated in the form of "rare" action figures from the popular late 1970's and early 80's television show The Love Boat.

"The figures are valued at over $200 a piece, so ..." said Howard Newman, Carnival's vice president of customer satisfaction and relations. "There weren't very many [figures] made, but we found about 3,500 of them to distribute among our loyal, really cool passengers. I mean, we have the coolest passengers ... ever."

These passengers, after signing a document forfeiting any future right to pursue legal action against the cruise line, will enjoy the full figurine set that includes: Captain Stubing, Vicki, Isaac, Gopher, Julie and Doc.

"I feel like it's pretty fair compensation," said Brad Geiss, 39, from Silver Springs, MD, the neurologist was traveling on the ship with his new wife, Gloria. "I heard rumors of cash, but honestly I'm a big collector and this kind of stuff gets me very excited. Isn't that right, honey?"

"I bought Gopher and Doc back in 1985--they came in the same pack for a limited time--so I'm good with those two. I just need the other four to complete my set. This is awesome! Carnival really came through," said Jessica Smith, 42, of Dalesville, MA. "Carnival ruined my honeymoon but totally made up for it with these action figures. I'm signing that document."

The Costa Concordia had travelers from nearly 60 different countries when it capsized near Tuscany. How will callous promises of plastic toy models from a long ago American television show be eagerly accepted as compensation from such an international, traumatized audience?

"Well, to be quite honest, we think Captain Stubing had a very ... international appeal," added Newman. "Plus, look, the hats on each figurine are removable. I didn't know that until just right now. That's kind of cool."

Obama taking economy frustrations out on the basketball court

Washington, D.C.--Seeking a much-needed distraction from the chaotic life that is commander-in-chief, President Obama engaged in a "friendly" game of pick-up basketball this afternoon prior to giving the State of the Union Address before Congress and the nation in the Capitol later in the evening. During the game the President committed, and was called for, a hard foul when driving the lane for a layup late in the contest. "He fouled me," shouted an embarrassed Obama, at the informal press conference that followed the basketball workout, to a reporter that had asked about the upcoming speech and not the scrimmage. "I play to win and everyone out there on that court plays to win. It really is not a big deal." Another reporter asked about current oil prices and Obama shot back: "It was a blocking foul, plain and simple. His wheels were clearly moving, they were never set. It was a bogus call."

Italian captain, Italian passengers noticed nothing unusual about ship