Barge ice skating rink will not return to Schuylkill Banks this winter

City officials claim the sometimes choppy river waters caused the barge to be unsteady, which made skating very difficult and dangerous at times.  

Rookie NFL coach: Chip Kelly spotted in Center City knife shop right around roster cuts deadline

League sends letter informing first-year head coach that players don't actually need to be physically cut from roster. Kelly first reported he was at the specialty knife shop to purchase a gift for a friend, then later admitted to "perhaps, not fully understanding the proper procedure to reduce an NFL roster." The store owner, who personally attended to Kelly, said the coach picked up a large knife and asked, "Could I cut a roster with this?" The salesman laughed uncomfortably, but assumed the coach was joking.

U.S. Open: Double known number of Bryan Brothers spotted at NYC party not result of too much alcohol

"We got sloppy," said one brother. "We got damn sloppy," added another brother.

New York--Bob Bryan and Mike Bryan are the twin brothers that make up the famous Bryan Brothers men's doubles tennis dynamic duo. The brothers have captured more doubles titles than any other pair before them and took home all the precious metal hardware from the four major titles over the past year. 

This after just over two years ago, the United States Tennis Association closed an investigation that looked to uncover the "actual number of Bryan brothers." The two-month, intense investigation did not yield the result the USTA had clearly expected. 

"For several years, it was believed that there were actually three or four brothers, that they were triplets or quadruplets, and, during breaks in long or short matches, would substitute for each other in order to keep fresh and systematically wear down opponents," said USTA official, Margaret Hargrove. 

However, the USTA was "generally satisfied" that the Bryan Brothers were only twins after the in-house inquiry turned up nothing. On Saturday, at a party celebrating the start of this week's U.S. Open at a posh Manhattan penthouse, two more brothers than usual were spotted preparing to pull a "party switch." 

"We are fairly certain that the brothers blew their cover while trying for a substitution at a Park Avenue gathering," said Hargrove. "Bill and Mack, now officially the other half of the Bryan quadruplets, were frustrated that Bob and Mike were not only getting all the tennis glory, but were also reveling in all the partying as well. Bob and Mike agreed to let Bill and Mack mingle among the guests for 'about thirty minutes.'" 

It was during this switch that one intoxicated partygoer stumbled upon the group and took a quick snapshot. The brothers were caught off guard but posed for the camera, then tried to convince the swaying, slurring photographer that the "extra two brothers were a result of all the wine." Immediate efforts by the Bryans to obtain the camera were unsuccessful. 

"We got 'em," said Hargrove.  

Cabinet bursting with snack foods sad reminder of ArenaBowl party no-shows

Philadelphia--Over a week and a half later, a local man who hosted one of the nation's only six ArenaBowl parties cannot escape the constant reminder of the absolute flop that it was. "I invited, like, 40-some people and only two people showed up. One neighbor came before the game to 'see what's up,' he didn't even know a game was on. Then, another neighbor stopped in afterwards to borrow a patio chair. He didn't even ask who had won the game. So, really, I was the only one at the party while there was actual awesome indoor football being played. Not surprisingly, there was so much leftover food. What do you do with fourteen tomato pies? Every time I open the kitchen cabinet I am reminded of all those who who bailed. What am I going to do with all these snacks?" said Allen Shoemaker, proudly wearing an autographed Tony Graziani jersey. After some breathing exercises and some deep thinking--which included an audible self question and answer session--Shoemaker was almost certain that some of the snacks could be used for his inaugural U.S. Open women's final/men's doubles final party on September 8th. "The Oreos, goldfish and Cheez-its were never opened, thank God, so they should be good for my tennis extravaganza. It's gonna be a blast...er, an ace."

NBC10, meteorologist emphatically deny bow tie used as message to fellow meteorologist

"Meteorologist Sheena Parveen wearing a bow tie during ads and broadcasts was not meant to send a message to chief meteorologist Glenn Schwartz," said one NBC10 station manager. "It was meant to be fun and light-hearted. This whole thing has been blown way, way out of proportion. The bow tie is Glenn's thing, I clearly get that now. We are all just sick over this and hope things can return to normal as quickly as possible."

No witnesses: Police believe car on Schuylkill River Boardwalk part of 'very elaborate' university prank

Philadelphia--Early this morning, an overturned car was discovered on top of the concrete I-beams that make up part of the skeletal structure of a nearly 2,000 ft-long bicycle and pedestrian walkway under construction off the east bank of the Schuylkill River just north of the South Street Bridge. "I'm usually the first one on the site in the morning and I looked out onto the boardwalk and I just shook my head in disbelief. I really thought I was losing it," said Carl MacNearny, a project manager with Grambling & Sons, the construction company tackling the unique Schuylkill Banks Boardwalk project. "I was like how in the world did a car get out there. I really did check my pulse." Investigators report that there is absolutely no sign of impact marks on the concrete beams and that the automobile's location along the quickly-progressing multi-use path is too far from the South Street Bridge to indicate an automobile crash of any kind. "We are nearly certain that the car was disassembled at a remote location and then reassembled during the overnight hours on the walkway by a team of individuals...perhaps a very large team," said Detective Dan Schultz of the Philadelphia Police Department. "It's quite remarkable that nobody saw a thing." Schultz confirmed that a t-shirt sporting the logo of a local university's engineering program was found floating in the murky waters about fifty yards downstream from the position of the car, and that the incident could be a university or fraternity prank. Large crowds have gathered to view the car, which will be removed by tomorrow morning.

ArenaBowl XXVI: Mayors' bet: Losing mayor must publicly confess that he had no clue city even had arena football team

Orlando, FL--When local newspapers contacted Mayor Greg Stanton of Phoenix and Mayor Michael Nutter of Philadelphia inquiring about the friendly wager between the two cities for the upcoming ArenaBowl XXVI, each provided the news outlets with identical terse answers: "What the hell are you talking about?" The heads of two major American cities at the centers of large metropolitan areas were baffled about any bet, or, for that matter, any championship indoor football game between the Arizona Rattlers and the Philadelphia Soul. "They're playing football indoors these days? Yeah, good one. I'll have some of whatever you're drinking," said Mayor Stanton. "Next you'll tell me we have a hockey team in the desert." When the Arena Football League got involved and reached out to the uninformed Mayors to "please, make a friendly wager to help establish a foundation of legitimacy for our league" the busy men agreed (also, it was an opportunity for some publicity). Much to the chagrin of the AFL, the mayors agreed that the loser would hold an elaborate press conference, inviting media from far and wide, and publicly admit to having no clue that their home city had an arena football team. "It's a risky bet," said Mayor Nutter. "I hope the team that supposedly plays in Philadelphia beats the squad that supposedly plays in Phoenix."

ArenaBowl XXVI: Target, Walmart, BestBuy, bracing for annual 'no change whatsoever' in TV sales

Employees working in the consumer electronics department are encouraged to take time off during the week leading up to the AFL's showcase event. "It's nice," said one employee. "Things get real quiet around here."

Neighbors extremely concerned proposed 21-story residential tower would block 'perfectly good' view of railroad freight line, four-lane highway

Exhausted Phillies fan finally breaks into uncontrollable laughter over lost season, excuses self from yoga class

Cargo jet crash: Alabama woman hesitant to call UPS a fourth time concerning status of J.Crew order

"It's frustrating," said Sue G., of Birmingham, "UPS can't provide me with any information on my package. I just want to know if I have to reorder my items."

Court rules New Jersey must release slogans to public that were not 'Stronger than the Storm'

The Garden State received $25 million in federal money for the marketing campaign. The government wants to know the slogans that did not make the cut. The state said "Stronger than the Store" and "Stronger than the Storn" were cut simply because they did not make much sense. "Ain't Nobody got Time for That" was reportedly among the ten final choices. "Hungrier than the Storm," "Hey, Sandy, they're called Jetties," and "Powerfuler than the Storm" were voted out early on in the selection process. Officials in Trenton said a full list of eliminated slogans will be posted on the state website by late next week.

Is Atlantic City getting desperate? Oceanside gambling resort to build $950 million 'Full House'-themed casino

In early 2015, Atlantic City will welcome another casino along its historic boardwalk: Full House: The Casino. It is a planned mega-casino based on the popular sitcom "Full House," which ran from the late 80s to the mid 90s on ABC. The news came as a shock to many in the region, given that upscale Revel, the city's newest gaming establishment, which opened just last year, continues to struggle financially. New casinos popping up in neighboring states have taken large gulps from A.C.'s once thought endless flow of visitors and have even lured New Jerseyans themselves to pay the bridge toll and play the slots and tables in Pennsylvania. But state officials feel Full House: The Casino can stop the bleeding. "I put my best people in a room--with sandwiches, water, and two porta potties--and told them not to come out until they came up with an idea to return A.C. to its former glory. Wow, did they hit a home run or did they hit a home run?" boasted a very proud Chris Christie, the Garden State's governor. "A Full House casino will save A.C., there's no doubt in my mind. You know why? Because we're stronger than the storm. I personally talked with Dave Coulier, the actor who played Joey, and he is psyched. We're all psyched." So, get ready for Jesse and Joey's Basement Black Jack, D.J. Dizzy Roulette, Danny Deck of Cards Poker, Stephanie's Slots, Michelle Bingo, Kimmy Craps, and Comet Keno. The entire cast of the hit show has signed on to make regular appearances at the state-of-the-art gaming palace, and, if not on site, must personally congratulate patrons holding a full house by telephone.

'Huge' Ryan Braun fan cannot look shaver directly in the blades

Though totally distraught, the fan refuses to remove the tiny custom made Brewers jersey he had made for the shaver years ago.

Popular Jersey Shore ice cream, pizza shops coming to Schuylkill River Boardwalk

Above: Beginning in 2014, frozen custard and pizza legends Kohr Bros and Mack & Manco Pizza will offer scaled-back menus at their new locations along the quickly-rising Schuylkill River Boardwalk, an extension of the overland trail that currently terminates at Locust Street. The two eateries signed seventy-five-year leases, but can opt out of the agreement after five years if a promised Ferris wheel is not erected on the new boardwalk by 2019. "Kohr Bros will be a stand, while Mack & Manco will have a seating capacity of 85," said Francine O'Reilly, director of the Philadelphia Elevated Walkways Over Waterways Association (PEWOWA). "Also, it was going to be a surprise, but, yes, we are making plans to secure and install a small Ferris wheel along the river at some point in the near future." When asked if crowds patronizing the new food establishments would create possible conflicts with walkers, joggers, and cyclists, O'Reilly said probably.

Report: Portland bicycle cops 'still adjusting' to patrol car-strength sirens, lights

Portland, OR--The bicycle law enforcement officers of Oregon's largest city say riding between cars in traffic is a challenge and turning is a bit more difficult with the new automobile-sized lights and sirens installed on the entire fleet of bikes just over one month ago. They also mentioned that balancing is nearly impossible even after an intensive three-week training session led by four semi-retired Cirque du Soleil performers. However, the sirens allow two-wheel-mounted officers to easily pull over motorists and cyclists. "The new sirens may look silly, I'm sure," said Captain James Tammerhill, head of the Portland Police Department. "But, Portland has a biking reputation to protect. Sure, making a simple right- or left-hand turn just got a whole lot more interesting, but these sirens scare the $#@* out of drivers. Hooo, yeah!"

Should Eagles fans be concerned about inordinate amount of time Chip Kelly spends playing chess in Rittenhouse Square?

Philadelphia--At first, it appeared that the fast-moving, wisecracking chess player in Rittenhouse Square was just some guy that happened to look a whole lot like Eagles new head coach Chip Kelly. But upon closer inspection, it became abundantly clear that this was indeed the Birds New Hampshire-born leader. "I love it down here," said Kelly, fresh off a convincing chess win where he surrendered only four pieces and taunted opponents with a tweaked version of the Eagles fight song. "The competition, the camaraderie, I'm addicted to the Rittenhouse chess matches. I become a different person here, the adrenaline rush is crazy. I can't get enough." No he cannot. In fact, the coach has been spotted in the popular square--one of William Penn's original five--nearly every day since early June. On several occasions Kelly has been seen in the wee hours of the morning standing solo with a chess board enticing the unsuspecting passerby into some "friendly competition." "It's getting to the point where I see Chip on my way to work and on the way home. The guy needs a shave and, just a thought, to, um ... I don't know, maybe, work on some plays for the upcoming season," said Dan Rothman, an Eagles fan from the Fitler Square neighborhood. Recent reports indicate that the team is "very concerned" about the coach's time spent in the park. "We've been monitoring the situation very closely," said one team employee who wanted to remain anonymous. 

Asiana Flight 214: Passengers reported feeling lightheaded after manually inflating emergency exit slides

"It took us a while to inflate the slide, but it had one of those tricky valves," reported one passenger. "You had to squeeze the valve and blow at the same time. During an inflation break, I accidentally let a bunch of the air out because I didn't let go of the valve. If this whole incident taught us anything it should be that the valves on these inflatable slides should be better designed and easier to operate."

Andy Murray waiting for right time to tell Great Britain that he was born, raised in Cleveland

Above: Wimbledon Champion Andy Murray hoists the cup after his victory in the finals over Novak Djokovic on Sunday, the first for a "Brit" in 77 years. "I'll probably tell Britain about the whole not being from here thing the same day that the Royal baby is born," said Murray about his plans to announce to the world that he is not actually British. "Yeah, that sounds like a good plan."

Battle of Gettysburg 150th Anniversary: Over 8,000 reenactors perish from heat exhaustion

The death toll from the oppressive heat on the sun-drenched battlefield was slightly more than the actual battle 150 years ago. Reenactment organizers stand by their decision to require battle participants to wear heavy wool uniforms. "Yes, knowing what I know now I would still demand wool be the fabric of choice for all reenactors. You can't put a price on authenticity."

One week later, architect still gets big chuckle from drawing ketchup with Sketchup

 

Above: During "some down time" at Cooper-Sinclair Design Group, a ten-year-old architecture and interior design firm based in Portfishington, an architect created three bottles of ketchup using Google's drawing program Sketchup. The young designer admits, nearly two weeks later, that the ketchup design still makes her burst into laughter randomly throughout the workday. "The whole office is still getting a big kick out the ketchup with Sketchup drawing. Even the partners of the firm will stop me in the hallway and share a big laugh about it," said the glowing, talented architect. "And, to be honest, I was a bit nervous about the partners seeing the meticulously-designed ketchup bottles. I mean, I've only been here three and a half weeks and I didn't want them to think I have too much down time. The bottles took me about five hours to complete over the course of two days. But, trust me, I have a ton of other 'legitimate' work. For example, I'm spending many hours helping to design the new dome that's going over the Piazza and the seat expansion project at PPL Park. However, I must admit, deep down, there's a part of me that feels they are laughing at the ketchup-Sketchup because they know I'm sleeping with one of the partners. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but some of the laughter seems forced and uncomfortable."

'Very bizarre' autographed 5'X5' Phil Knight poster in Chip Kelly's office making entire coaching staff uncomfortable

The assistant coaches will compete in a best-of-seven rocks-papers-scissors tournament at some point to decide who will approach and convince the head coach to remove the poster. "It's strange," said one Eagles' assistant position coach, "even though Phil has sun glasses on in the poster his eyes follow you wherever you are in the room."

Judge rules playground maker to pay family $1.2 million for failing to have 'may attract bears' warning label on box

No one was hurt and the small, frightened bear was on the play set for just over five minutes before wandering off. Judge: "A bear warning should really be on the box."

Sister Cities Park new wave pool powered by solar energy

Philadelphia--The question was never should a wave pool be installed in Sister Cities Park. The question has long been how to sustainably power a wave pool once it was installed? The answer: the sun. Over the spring, much of the shallow children's pond adjacent to the park's green-roof capped cafe was replaced with a state-of-the-art Olympic 1000 wave pool. Solar panels affixed to nearby streetlights and on the south-facing facade of the Cathedral Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul provide just over 85 percent of the needed electricity for the pumps and high pressure water jets. "There are still a few kinks to work out," said Jeff Sillenger, a Brotherly Love Parks and Recreation official. "Like, when a cloud passes overhead a boogie boarder can become stranded in the pool for a minute or so. There's no doubt that our battery backup system needs some refining." The park, just east of Logan Circle on 18th St., which saw huge crowds before the tide came in, has been booming since the installation and is expected to only grow more popular over the hot summer months. "The wave pool is great," said Becky Donald, 31, a resident of Fairmount, standing with her two young daughters who could not take their eyes of the park's newest addition. "But, even greater is the harnessing of the sun. Our family calls the wave pool the Sun-ami."

Lincoln Financial Field upgrades: All bathroom stall doors to be replaced with hanging beads

Above: Several Lincoln Financial Field restrooms will get a meerkat-themed beaded/bamboo hanging stall door makeover. All restrooms will get beaded doors from one of over twenty themes.

South Philadelphia--The Eagles are making some changes to ten-year-old Lincoln Financial Field with new HD jumbo video screens, additional seating, better connections between upper-level seating sections, and much-needed relief to the painfully slow stadium entry process. But what has fans abuzz (and the league investigating) is the announcement that all men's and women's restroom stall doors will be replaced with hanging beaded/bamboo curtains. The team hopes the new, significantly less private stall doors will help improve and speed up the bathroom experience for all fans. "I don't mean to sound crass, but you got guys and gals that will literally set up shop when they're in the restroom stalls at the Linc," said Eagles' owner Jeffrey Lurie. "Trust me, I hear stories. We want people to be comfortable but not too comfortable. You know, get in, take care of business, and get out. No checking smartphones or any of that nonsense. We think the beaded doors will speed up the whole bathroom experience by making bowel relievers uncomfortable to the point that they will hasten the whole process considerably. Plus, the doors look really cool. Every doorway in my college apartment in Worcester had them." One NFL executive, who wanted to remain anonymous, said "this is a disaster waiting to happen." We'll see come the fall (literally).

USGA declares Merion the Librarian mascot a 'frightening failure'

Above: The Merion the Librarian mascot high-fives fans while following 2013 U.S. Open runner-up Phil Mickelson.

Ardmore, PA--Everybody knows The Music Man, or so the United States Golf Association (USGA) and Merion Golf Club thought. The organizers and host of the just-completed U.S. Open were positive that the catchy songs and lovable characters of the 1957 Broadway musical (and the 1962 and 2003 films) would connect with all fans young and old. In 1993, the musical was celebrated on an episode of the Simpsons, where the salesman was peddling monorails instead of musical instruments. One of the main characters from the musical was Marian Paroo (Marian the Librarian), the love interest of salesman/con man Harold Hill. Merion teamed up with the USGA to create a Merion the Librarian mascot to meander the course to encourage "library speaking voice volumes." "We wanted a well-known character that fans could relate to, that was a play on the club's name, and encouraged quietness and proper behavior on the course. We also wanted a character that would be kid-friendly," said Merion's director of fan relations, Darryl Evanston. Well, for four days, Merion the Librarian said not a word to the throngs of golf enthusiasts that packed the East Course, but only put her left index finger to her lips to indicate quiet. "Yeah, it backfired big time," continued Evanston, referring to the creation of the mascot. "She scared the crap out kids and just generally made everyone uncomfortable for nearly a week." The USGA and Merion admitted that the reputation of Philadelphia fans was one of the main reasons behind the making of the mascot. "The crowds were absolutely fantastic, and, much to our misjudgment, it had nothing to do with Merion the Librarian.

Above:  Marian and Harold in the 1962 film: The Music Man

Report: Chase offered NY over $50 million to sponsor bike-sharing

New York City--Citibank paid $41 million dollars to be the main sponsor for New York's controversial bike-share program for five years. Citi Bike, a collection of 6,000 blue bicycles scattered over lower Manhattan and parts of Brooklyn, allows commuting Big Applers to take short (no more than 45 minutes) trips from strategically placed bike station to strategically placed bike station. Chicago-based Chase Bank reportedly offered nearly $50 million for the naming rights to the country's largest bike-share program, but was turned down by the city. "In the end we simply felt that the word Chase--Chase Bike or Bike Chase--would become a running joke and perhaps lead to unsafe riding and driving conditions: either by bikes chasing bikes, bikes chasing cars, cars chasing bikes, pedestrians chasing bikes, or bikes chasing pedestrians. We lost a few million bucks by not going with Chase, but we feel we may have saved a whole lot of lives," explained Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

USGA, Merion reinstate grounds crew member suspended for wearing baggy rain pants

Above: Blake O'Sullivan donning baggy rain pants uses a squeegee on the 16th fairway. 

Ardmore, PA--The heavy rains over the last week in southeastern PA has not only caused delays in tee times, but has sparked a pants controversy at the U.S. Open. Yes, a pants dispute. "I just want this whole mess to be over with," said Blake O'Sullivan, 26, a grounds crew member at Merion Golf Club, host of this year's Open. "My baggy pants have become the story of the tournament and that is not at all what I intended. I didn't intend anything." The Narberth, PA, resident said he was in the grounds crew locker room and received a call to report "asap" to the 16th fairway to squeegee the rain-soaked hole, as the course has been battered by precipitation since last Friday. O'Sullivan "grabbed the only pair of rain pants" he saw and ran to the 16th to join the rest of the crew, all the while pulling the surprisingly large rain gear over his jeans during the frantic jog there. "It turns out that I grabbed an XXXL pair of rain pants and I had no time to return to the room and find a proper-fitting pair." On Monday, O'Sullivan was suspended with pay by both the USGA and Merion for "improper inclement weather golf attire" based on Rule Rt-86013-BT-zcx of the USGA grounds crew etiquette handbook. On Wednesday morning, Jesse Jackson led the charge to reinstate the crew member, flying to Philadelphia from Atlanta, and holding a press conference directly across the street from the East Course. "Did Mr. O'Sullivan demonstrate carelessness? Yes. But the crime does not fit the punishment. The ruling parties have shown great preposterousness." Matt Damon, Will Smith, and Sarah Jessica Parker all joined Jackson at the podium to lead the crowd in a slow clap, fast clap after the announcement that O'Sullivan was reinstated.

U.S. Open: Merion urging, pleading, reminding fans to please drive to course

Above: Merion Golf Club's East Course at the 14th hole with the skyline of Philadelphia in the

background. Tournament organizers are urging fans to skip public transit, carpooling, and private 

shuttles and drive alone to the course. "People, we have plenty of parking, so please drive by 

yourself to the Open,"said one Merion official.

Ardmore, PA--The historic Merion Golf Club in Haverford Township, which has hosted 17 USGA championships since it was established in 1896--more than any other course in the nation--apparently has "more parking than you can shake a one iron at." Course manager Darrell Vesitter: "We want to dispel any rumors that the club is tight on parking. Please arrive by car, in fact, arrive by two cars. We have more parking spaces than the King of Prussia Mall and the South Philly sports complex combined." The club is located in highly developed Delaware County just west of Philadelphia in the first-ring suburbs with very minimal parking. The driving request is extremely unusual--which could cause unprecedented gridlock--given that Amtrak serves Ardmore, PA, just over a mile from the East Course, site of this year's tournament. In addition, SEPTA's regional rail has stops in Haverford and Ardmore, while the Ardmore Avenue stop along the transit agency's high speed line is just steps from one of several entrance gates.

Cole Hamels says record isn't so bad when viewed in a mirror written on a wall behind him...other than the 'whole backwards 9 part'

The pitcher pointed out that a 1-11 record would truly be reversed by a mirror and that he did not know about the trick when he was 1-8. So...