Louisiana calls on Arizona Minutemen to protect coastline from approaching oil spill

Above: Minuteman Tom Dennisen of Flagstaff, AZ keeps watch along the Louisiana coastline for the Gulf's massive oil spill that is making its way toward the state's fragile shores. "If I see the oil, I'm suppose to call the Coast Guard. I don't have the authority to physically prevent any of the oil from covering beaches or wildlife," said Dennisen, while using air quotes and smiling mischievously. Several thousand Minutemen have made their way to state's bayous.

Senior chokes to death, as new volunteer neglects to remove wheels from meals

Bensalem, PA--A Meals on Wheels volunteer is being accused of failing to follow proper protocol when delivering meals for the nonprofit that is dedicated to senior nutrition. As a result, a 99-year-old senior, whose 100th birthday was tomorrow, choked to death around lunchtime yesterday.

"This is a tough day for all of us here at Meals On Wheels," said Donna Sparre, director of the organization's Philadelphia office, wearing tiel heels made from eels. "Just a sad, sad day."

Apparently, the first-time volunteer, Donna Summers, made two glaring mistakes during her visit to a Bensalem, PA assisted living home yesterday.

"As I was bringing the meal to the door, I got really confused and I couldn't remember if it was Wheels on Meals or Meals on Wheels," said Summers, the volunteer blamed for delivering the meal that ended the senior's life. "I mean, either way I'm suppose to remove the wheels, which I forgot to do. But that mistake is made much worse if the wheels are actually on top of the meals."

In 2002, the organization began placing miniature wheels, made from old car tires, under the meals being delivered as a reminder to the seniors as to who was providing the food. The Meals On Wheels Volunteer Handbook reads, "Between four and seven 3-inch diameter wheels are to be positioned under the meals upon delivery. The wheels are then to be collected and used again for a later delivery. Under no circumstances are the wheels to be placed on top of the meals."

Summers met with the family of the senior, whose name has yet to be released, late last evening. She explained that, yes, when she dropped off the food around 11:45 AM, the wheels were, without question, on top of and not under the meal, a clear violation of proper procedure.

"My mother was a fantastic person. We had a huge 100th birthday celebration planned for her on Saturday," said the senior's son. "She was getting up there in years, but she was totally with it. It surprises me that she didn't notice the wheels on top of the meal. I mean, she gets meals delivered four times a week."

Bensalem Police did report finding two large garbage bags full of wheels in the senior's apartment.

"This is not the first time the wheels were left behind, as she has two or three trash bags full of wheels in her sitting room closet," announced Officer Mary Wilson. "We do believe, however, it is the first time the wheels were left on top of the meals. None of the wheels in the bags have remnants of food."

At first, there were reports that the wheels were confused for donuts, but police have confirmed that the wheels were mixed in with the spaghetti, yesterday's lunch menu, "pretty thoroughly."

"[The wheels] were covered in tomato sauce and the noodles were wrapped around four of the seven wheels," said Officer Wilson. "There's a real good chance she thought they were meatballs, simply because the wheels were on top of the meal. Poor thing."

Sparre said that, despite this being the first such incident involving the miniature tires, she will be contacting the MOW's head office in Alexandria, VA about possibly discontinuing the use of the wheels or making them edible.

On Earth Day, coal mine loader driven by Sun

Shanxi, China--Coal dust drifts across the gray landscape several feet above the the identically-colored chunks that are amassed in piles below. Swirling in the wind, the particles are often carried long distances and, unknowingly, into the lungs of the cramped cities to the east. With the country constructing two coal-fired power plants per week, perhaps more, not many think of the world's most populous nation as a leader in green energy.

It is Earth Day 2010, and the occasion is celebrated in a very unusual way at one of China's numerous coal mines. For one day, several large, polluting pieces of equipment--loaders, bulldozers, dump trunks--are driven by Sun. This is quite a commitment and environmental statement from a company that bases its existence solely on what is widely considered the dirtiest of the fossil fuels.

In 2005, Sun arrived at Xeng Coal Inc. That is, a worker by the name of Kim Sun. Sun immigrated to China from North Korea and, though he hesitates to discuss details of his journey and background, does confirm that he started at the mine five years ago.

"Sun is a laborer. He picks up pieces of coal that have fallen from the trucks or he stands in the back of trucks to help guide the coal in from the loaders," said Hung Zhou, Sun's supervisor, through and interpreter. "On this day for the Earth, we like to see Sun drive the equipment."

On Earth Day, for the past five years, the coal company permits Sun, who has zero heavy equipment operating experience, to drive several of the bulky machinery pieces.

"He's crazy, that guy," said Bae Chin, a fellow Korean immigrant and loader operator at the mine, about Sun, also through an interpreter. "Sun drives my loader. Sun is bright. Sun can power this whole mine one day. Sun is clean. Sadly, coal is dirty and makes it difficult to stare directly at Sun."

"It's pretty funny," said Zhou. "Everyone gets a big kick out of seeing him drive the equipment. It's partly a reward to the other workers, by lightening the workplace mood for one day of the year, but also because of government regulations."

By letting Sun drive the equipment for one day, the company is able to meet the "extremely strict" environmental standards set by the government. When Sun climbs behind the wheel of a large loader, China can claim it is becoming more green with solar (or Sun) energy and making strides towards meeting the Kyoto environmental standards.

"We are very proud to be the only coal mine in China to use Sun to drive dirty diesel-powered equipment," said Zhou.

Guy who leads Iceland just flat out embarrassed

Island country places giant nicotine Patch on volcano, enormous ashtray in middle of ocean

Above: A giant nicotine patch has been placed on the side of the Iceland volcano that has been erupting for several days. The patch has not slowed the smoke, soot or ash.

Reykjavik, Iceland--The President of Iceland is thoroughly embarrassed about the volcano in his country that has been spewing smoke and ash into the atmosphere and creating global disruption for the past several days. The jet stream has carried volcanic debris over the Atlantic Ocean to Europe where it has practically brought the commercial airline industry of the continent to a halt.

"This is just so embarrassing," said President Olafur Ragnar Grimsson, pulling his suit jacket up over his face to conceal his identity. "I mean, you talk about the most embarrassing thing that could ever happen ... to anyone."

The Prime Minister of Norway, Jens Stoltenberg, has been stranded in Newark's Liberty International Airport for two days after a visit to the United Nations and has been growing more frustrated by the minute.

"I called Olafur [Iceland's President] and I was like what the hell is going on up there," said Stoltenberg, sitting next to several empty Auntie Anne's Pretzel bags and a mound of new cellphone covers. "He's pretty embarrassed, but that doesn't fix the fact that I had a whole ice fishing/cross-country skiing/ski jumping trip planned this weekend with some old college buddies. It's just rotten. How am I going to tell Lars Keggington, Dances with Kegs or Lillehammered that I won't be able to make it? Tell me that."

So ashamed is Iceland, that the small country has issued an "Ashtray Tax" and a "Patch Tax" on its just over 300,000 residents. The tax was used to construct and deliver an oversized ashtray to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and affix a large nicotine patch to the slopes of the volcano.

The ashtray, with a radius of 950 miles, was built last night and put in place this morning with the help of 500 military cargo helicopters borrowed from the United States and Canada. The patch was also placed using helicopters and, later, large pieces of Nicoderm gum were dropped inside the volcano. Nothing has worked.

At first, Grimsson called for all of Iceland's smokers, that were currently using the patch to quit, to donate their supply to the government for this extreme situation. The country's leaders quickly realized that this effort would not be enough to combat the volcano and outsourced the design and construction of a giant patch to nearby Greenland. These same leaders later admitted to watching the movie Patch Adams for ideas on how to build this powerful nicotine patch.

"Just when I thought we couldn't suffer any further embarrassment," said a distraught Grimsson. "We construct a ridiculously-oversized ashtray and patch and ... they don't even work. I picked the wrong week to quit smoking."

The ashtray, which broke away from its countless anchors soon after being positioned, appears to be on a collision course with Portugal.

"Finally, some good news," said Grimsson. "It's Portugal's problem now."

Portugal, which has one of the world's highest concentrations of cigarette smokers, does not appear to be concerned about the mass headed toward its shores.Above: A satellite photo of volcanic soot, ash and smoke carried by winds from Iceland over the Atlantic Ocean to Europe. Iceland has placed a giant ashtray in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, which has been a colossal failure.

Chicago Symphony Orchestra behind jersey misprint

Chicago,IL--The Chicago Symphony Orchestra (CSO) has claimed responsibility for Wednesday night's jersey spelling error in Houston.

On this night, the front of San Francisco Giants' outfielder Eugenio Velez's jersey read San Francicso. Until today, Majestic, the jersey supplier for Major League Baseball, was blamed for switching the "c" and the "s" at the end of San Francisco.

The switching of letters formed CSO, which, conveniently, matched the acronym for the Chicago Symphony Orchestra.

"We wanted to get the word out about CSO performances to Bay Area residents planning to follow the Giants to Chicago in September," said Barbara Di'Ambrose, a CSO official. "We paid Majestic a lot of money to pull the old switcheroo."

The Giants will be in Chicago to play the Cubs on September 21,22 and 23.

When asked why the "misprint" was done in Houston, five months before the Giants travel to Chicago, Di'Ambrose responded, "I don't know. I, uh ... really don't know. But, I'm certainly going to get to the bottom of this. I plan to question a certain cello player and a certain timpani player guy."

The Orchestra originally requested that every Giants' player wear a misprinted jersey on Wednesday night, however, Majestic felt the fall-out from such a perceived debacle would do the company much more harm than good, even after CSO took full responsibility.

This is not the first time the CSO, a highly respected and award-winning orchestra, has supported an unorthodox marketing campaign. In 2008, several television and radio ads were run in the greater Chicagoland area featuring numerous pianists jokes.

This morning, in an attempt steal some of the publicity, the Colorado Symphony Orchestra also took full responsibility for the incident in Houston, but, an hour later, rescinded the statement giving full credit to the Chicago music organization.

"We like to say that we are CSO, but the Chicago Symphony Orchestra is the real CSO. It was a desperate and weak attempt to bring Colorado's finest orchestra into the spotlight. I apologize on behalf of the Colorado Symphony Orchestra or, CoSO, as it will henceforth be known," said Darryl Livingston, Colorado's veteran conductor.

Rowers preparing for possible new neighbor

Above: A rendering of a proposed Schuylkill River oil rig just offshore from famous Boathouse Row. Under this plan, oil would be piped through the rowing houses to waiting trucks on Kelly Drive.

Philadelphia, PA--President Obama announced last week that his administration is planning to open areas along the Atlantic coastline to offshore drilling for both oil and natural gas. The administration also hinted that rivers flowing into the Atlantic Ocean, and select tributaries, would also be considered for off-riverbank drilling.

This, unfortunately, includes many rivers in the Philadelphia area. The region is filled with gently rolling waterways meandering through cities, small towns and open farmland.

One tributary, however, may be of particular interest to the Obama administration. In 1902, Frederick Von Vonder discovered oil just upstream from the Fairmount Water Works, by drilling--illegal in Fairmount Park--an undisclosed number of feet into the river's murky bottom. The oil was never brought to the surface because of strict park drilling and picnicking rules.

"Listen, we've known for years that there's oil under the Schuylkill River. I knew it. You knew it. Fredrick Von Von-something knew it. Even the thousands of joggers on the river trail knew it," said University of Phoenix head men's rowing coach, Mark Bradley. "It was just a matter of time."

A large oil drilling platform on the scenic river wouldn't happen, if it does at all, for at least two years. But, preparations and plans have quickly began to take form.

Some plans call for pipelines leaving the 200 ft-high platform to pass directly through the boathouses to waiting tanker trucks on Kelly Drive. These pipelines may force rowers to adjust accordingly when prepping shells, returning shells to storage or rowing beneath the pipes.

"I'm not sure why the pipelines have to pass through the boathouses," said Daniel Bettman, a Fairmount Park official. "It just seems like the pipes would get in the way of the rowers an awful lot."

It appears that interruptions from a new oil platform, however, would be minimal once the athletes were upstream.

"All of our regattas are held upstream," said Claire Dorrington, St Joseph's University women's assistant rowing coach. "So races will not be directly affected by the rig or pipes. I just don't think a rig fits in well with the historic boathouses."

Many others have echoed this concern about aesthetics, while some feel that a monstrosity like a semi-submersible rig could fit right in.

Rower David Baneau, with the help of a friend, hoisted a dripping shell onto the top of his black Hummer parked along Kelly Drive. "It's hot today. Shoulda brought my tan Hummer. My wife told me to bring the tan Hummer or the light tan Hummer. I should have listened or, at the very least, brought the white Hummer," he said squinting from the bright sun. "Hell, I've been rowing here for 22 years. An oil rig here could bring a hip new happening vibe to the row, and, if it means lower gas prices, than I don't see how you could be against it."

Buffer profiting heavily from 'Let's Get Ready to Rumble Strips'

Harrisburg, PA--Yes, that was Michael Buffer you just ran over. Well ... sort of. Iconic boxing announcer Michael Buffer has sold his likeness to the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania for a safety public awareness campaign.

The Philadelphia native has joined with the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation (PENNDOT) to help reduce speeding--a longtime problem, especially near tollbooths--on the state's extensive roadway network using rumble strips. The new traffic calming devices are appropriately called Let's Get Ready to Rumble Strips.

"It took quite a bit of taxpayer money to use Michael's image and catchphrase, but we think it will do wonders to slow vehicles down and, ultimately, save many lives," said Governor Ed Rendell, standing in front of a group of reporters near the entrance of the PA Turnpike's Kittatinny Tunnel.

Thus far, two Let's Get Ready to Rumble Strips have been installed near toll plazas on the Turnpike's Northeast Extension, and a faint and mumbled "Let's get ready to rumble" shout can be heard when vehicles pass over the raised lines at the posted speed.

"Motorists have to obey the posted speed or they will not hear Michael make is famous call," said Rendell. "Everybody wins with Let's Get Ready to Rumble Strips."

So popular are the new rumble strips that California, Florida, Nevada and New Jersey have contacted Buffer about possible installation. Buffer says that he may profit more from encouraging safe driving than he ever will as a boxing announcer.

City cracking down on unlicensed tour buses

With the peak tourist season just around the corner, the City of Philadelphia has begun to follow through on warnings issued last summer in the direction of unlicensed tour buses. It is estimated that between 15 and 25 illegally operated bus touring "companies" function on a daily basis from April through November.

Tourism--Philadelphia's staple is the the history kind--draws over 30 million visitors per year and generates nearly $25 million in economic impact for the metro area each day. Almost 90,000 jobs are indirectly or directly linked to tourism in the region.

Sites like the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall fall at the top of the list for these visitors and most would like to be shown the landmarks by a local tour guide, and even more, sit back and relax and take in the view by bus.

"I come to a new city and I just want to be shown the sites from a bus. You know, from afar," said Kyle Vernon, visiting from Atlanta, Ga. "I just want to kick back. You know what I mean?"

The Bureau of Tourism (BOT) realizes the popularity of tour buses and wants to assure patrons that the City's bus fleet is the safest that it can possibly be. This is why lawmakers stepped up a few decades ago.

The City requires that all bus sightseeing companies be registered with the BOT. This law, often called the Bus Franklin Law, was passed in 1976, when record numbers of tourists flooded Old City for the Bicentennial.

"During the spring of 1976, everyone and their mother attempted to claim some of the tourist money pouring into the city," said Valerie Stewart, a BOT official. "Old station wagons, pickup trucks, campers, large skateboards and you name it and they were giving tours of the city. In late May of '76 we passed the law and grabbed control of the situation."

The law was successful and virtually eliminated all underground touring, but as the City's popularity as a destination spot began to rise over the past several years, these unmarked buses have reemerged.

Licensed bus operators have been pushing the City for the last year to address the situation and enforce the 1976 law.

"We pay a large annual fee for the right to do business in Philadelphia," said Brian McMullen, a manager with Big Bus Tour Company. "It's not right that these renegade tour companies are avoiding fees and compromising the safety of tourists."

Some illegal buses have actually been altered, in an attempt to fool law enforcement, and are a hybrid of two or more vehicles. Several buses have been spotted with a passenger car attached to the front, and, as dangerous as it sounds, some have even attempted to venture into the water.

"Last September, I took a bus load of people into the water," explained Captain Terry, a Ride-the-Ducks tour guide and amphibious vehicle operator, "and I look to my left and there was an old school bus in the river, loaded with tourists, using plastic barrels to float. Is this safe?"

Many of the illegal bus operators deny any wrongdoing.

"I don't operate a tour bus," claimed Harry O'Brien, standing in front of his Fishtown row home. "Yes, I drive a bus around the city. Yes, I pick tourists up on the street. Yes, I charge them a fee. And, yes, I give them my thoughts on the city for one hour over an on-board intercom system. If that's a tour bus than arrest me."

Mattel vehemently denying plans to turn SS United States into 500 million miniature SS United States

Philadelphia, PA--One of the world’s largest toy makers, California-based Mattel Inc., issued a public statement earlier this week addressing rumors that have been swirling around the Delaware Valley and the toy industry for almost a month.

“We have no current plans to turn the SS United States, a treasure to the City of Brotherly Love and to the ship-loving world, into millions of toy boats,” said Mark Gortez, Mattel's vice president, standing behind a podium at the Penns's Landing Marriott. “We also have no business ties to a scrap metal company based in Asia. The idea, quite frankly, is comical and so we would like groups calling for the preservation of the ship to remain at ease."

Makers of Matchbox cars and Hot Wheels, the company has a strong hold on the miniature metal toy market and, if the SS United States rumors prove to, one day, be true, would only further secure their dominance. Most of these toys are made overseas in China.

Early last week, a well-known Chinese scrap metal company was spotted in South Philadelphia examining the SS United States, which has been docked in the shadows of the Walt Whitman Bridge since 1996. Company representatives made no attempt to conceal their identity as they disembarked extended white vans wearing bright orange windbreakers with the company’s world-famous trademark—Scrappy-Doo (yes, Scooby-Doo's cousin) turning the pages of a scrapbook titled 'Things Forgotten.'

Through an interpreter, the apparent leader of the assemblage attempted to explain the visit: “We are here in Philadelphia on vacation. We heard the SS United States was a hip and happening tourist attraction and that is why we are here. There is no other reason. If you think there is another reason, then you are false. Dead false.”

Interestingly, the ship is not open for tours now, nor has it been during its 14 years in the city, and so spotting the scrap company here has caused serious alarm among local residents wanting to save the ship.

When asked why the group was wearing company jackets, the man hurriedly corralled the other group members into the two waiting vans, slammed the side double doors, catching a colleague’s foot in the process, and then quickly drove away, stirring dust and leaving large tire marks in the mostly empty parking lot.

The company, Shanghai Scrap Metal & Things Inc., has worked closely with Mattel in the past to provide cheap metal for the company’s large line of miniature toys. Records show that in 1980, Shanghai purchased a beloved, historic cruise liner docked in Vancouver, Canada, towed the vessel to China, completed the scrapping process and sold the material to Mattel for well under market value. Mattel, who denies the connection, went on to make millions of toy BJ and the Bear Matchbox 18-wheelers (pictured at right) that were replicas of the rig from the popular television show of the time.

“We were given no warning that a scrap metal company was coming to view the ship,” said Gina Yothers, president of the SS United States Preservation Society. “Our goal is to preserve the history and integrity of the ship. The arrival of Shanghai can only spell doom. We need more time.”

Yothers was referring to more time for raising enough funds and awareness to help give a second life to the "gem." Possible plans for the ship include a casino, museum, shopping area, restaurants, set for new Love Boat television series and, ironically enough, a new headquarters for a Kensington scrap metal company. But, no savior has stepped forward as of yet, and time appears to be running short for the largest ship ever constructed in the United States.

Norwegian Cruise Lines currently owns the ship and, at one time, was considering retrofitting the Atlantic Ocean-crossing record holder and recommissioning it to its fleet. This idea was quelled by company executives sometime in the last year or two, who cited the alarming costs associated with such a restoration.

On Friday afternoon, several Norwegian Cruise Line vehicles were spotted at Mattel’s office complex in El Segundo. Mattel later said that several of the toy company’s executives were interested in “taking a cruise to Hawaii … and, not Shanghai.”

Gortez ended the Marriott press conference by saying, “Plus, even if this was our intention, wouldn’t it be a great way to pay tribute to the ship? Wouldn’t seeing millions of children worldwide, playing with really small versions of the ship, be a great way to memorialize it? Hypothetically speaking of course.”

NCAA tired of explaining to Coach Majerus that Selection Sunday has nothing to do with choosing ice cream

Indianapolis, IN--National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) officials are exasperated after dealing with Saint Louis University men's basketball head coach Rick Majerus, concerning Selection Sunday, for the 27th time.

"Every year around this time he shows up at the NCAA headquarters with a list of his favorite sundae toppings," said NCAA vice president, Daniel Rosenberg. "Mr Majerus, if you are listening, the NCAA Tournament selection day is Selection Sunday and not Selection Sundae. We will never choose 64 toppings ... instead of teams."

The coach acknowledges that he has a problem and that the second Sunday in March acts like a sort of trigger.

"I don't know ... I, ah ... I hear Selection Sunday and I just get light headed and all these images of gooey chocolate, m&m's smothered in Heath Bar pieces, peanut butter something-or-others spread on top, a dash of crumpled up Oreos, caramel doused in a caramel sauce, thousands of sprinkles, and some sort of Snicker-flavored butterscotch," said Majerus. "And the next thing I know I'm on a flight to Indianapolis. And the worst part is ... I don't even remember driving to the airport."

Stranded motorists harassed by rabid Center City jet ski gang

Above: A gang of jet skiers, known as the Rittenhouse Posse, harass a
stalled motorist on Delaware Ave on Saturday afternoon. Witnesses
could only watch as drivers were repeatedly splashed by racing jet skis.

Philadelphia, PA --Over five inches of heavy rain have fallen on the region since early Friday morning and forecasters are calling for more. Accompanying the weekend's nasty Nor'easter were hurricane-force winds and, with temperature highs hovering in the 50's, huge mounds of melting snow. The deadly combination has inundated the area's creeks, streams and rivers.

"There's just nowhere for all the water to go," explained Donna Higgins, a meteorologist from the State College, PA-based AccuWeather. "The ground is completely saturated. This is a meteorologists dream."

As a result, the region has experienced widespread flooding over the last several days, with some waterways still rising. Many roads were impassible after becoming extensions of nearby rivers and creeks. This puddling of water on the city's roadways has created an entirely new problem for motorists ... and police.

A gang, known locally as The Rittenhouse Posse, has been intimidating those most inconvenienced by the large amount of rainfall: stalled vehicles in the middle of flooded streets. This gang, however, uses a very unorthodox form of transportation, which has the Philadelphia Police Department at a complete loss at how to handle the situation. The getaway (and arrival) vehicle is a jet ski.

"We are somewhat familiar with this bad news crew," said Police Chief, Daniel Courtshire. "But, they usually keep to the City's two major rivers--the Schuylkill and the Delaware. But all this rain has given them access to the city street grid. We've got a real problem on our hands."

The gang will often ride close to large oil tankers coming up the Delaware River to dock at the Port of Philadelphia. Police have had difficulty apprehending the gang, but, admittedly, have shifted focus away from the renegade jet skiers because the "trouble" had been targeted at large cargo ships.

"I guess we kind of let them do their thing because we didn't feel like they were really hurting anyone. I mean, what could they do to a ship 800 times it's size?" said Courtshire. "Now, with the unprovoked harassment of City residents, we've got to put a stop to this."

With few leads, Police only know that the gang makes its home somewhere in the City's Rittenhouse neighborhood, as the group's name suggests. Where they dock the personal watercraft, on the other hand, is unknown. At the news conference, Chief Courtshire displayed the gang's sign--a twisting of the right hand that represents the motion of giving a jet ski more gas, followed by seventeen claps of the hands--to help the public identify the criminals.

The jet skiers will usually circle a stranded motorist in high water several times before beginning to spray the vehicle, often aiming at the driver, with their large wakes.

Police are asking motorists to stay in their vehicles if approached by a group of random jet skiers. There have been no reports of physical harm to drivers or passengers, however, a small number valuables have been carried away in a small dingy, trailing, what Police believe, to be the gang's leader.

"These flood waters can't recede fast enough," said a visibly frustrated Mayor Michael Nutter. "Please, if you get stranded, and a group of jet skiers comes out of nowhere and begins to circle your vehicle, stay inside and lock the door. They may not be friendly jet skiers."

Chile quake causes minimal damage to new Machu Picchu coaster

Visitors to Machu Picchu overlook construction of the new Pizarro's Bizarro Express roller coaster. The coaster sustained only minimal damage during the Chilean earthquake on Feb. 27.

Aguas Calientes, Peru--On February 27, Chile was rocked by an 8.8 magnitude earthquake that left unimaginable destruction once the shaking subsided. Seismologists have called the quake one of the largest ever recorded.

Chile's neighbor to the north, Peru, was mostly spared of any major damage. Immediately following the quake, however, the Peruvian government sent a team of historians and preservationists to assess the state of one of the country's--and the planet's--most irreplaceable treasures: Machu Pacchu.

The ancient Inca city that is nestled deep in the Andes Mountains is extremely fragile. Scientists familiar with the site have concluded that the city is slowly (centimeters per year) sliding down the side of the mountain. Obviously, an earthquake would not help Machu Picchu's situation, which is why experts keep such a close eye on the relic.

But, even more of a concern for these historians, is the condition of the new thrill ride being constructed directly on top of the city--a roller coaster that is expected to raise millions of dollars for the endangered city.

"A few of the wooden cross braces were dislodged," said historian, Edgar San Gutierrez, when asked if the new coaster's integrity was compromised by the ground movement. "It's nothing that a few nails and screws can't fix."

Special rubber, vibration-absorbing foundation soles were placed deep at the base of each coaster footing to limit the amount of damage caused by a large earthquake.

"We used the most advanced anti-vibration devices that technology has to offer," Gutierrez explained.

When asked if any of the ancient stone structures were affected Gutierrez explained that his team of historians would launch a thorough inspection "just as soon as we finish with the coaster."

The roller coaster, Pizarro's Bizarro Exress, named after Spanish conquistador Francisco Pizarro, is expected to open in early May in time for the peak tourist season. The minor damage caused by the quake, officials say, will not delay the planned opening of the ride.

"Please, don't worry. As I stand here before you, I will do everything in my power to make sure that Pizarro's Bizarro Exress will open on time for the North American and European summer," said preservationist, Stefani Antuay.

Machu Picchu is one of the western hemisphere's most popular tourist destinations. It is a magical place, transporting visitors to the 15th century with stunning panoramic views of the surrounding peaks. A city that was very successful in going undetected by invading conquistadors is not so successful at hiding today.

A little more than 400,000 visitors per year visit the site, while Niagara Falls welcomes over 20 million. The Peruvian site, however, is vastly different for a number of reasons.

It is human-made and situated within a rugged mountain chain, which can be very difficult to access. This keeps the number of visitors down, but so does the Peruvian government. Why limit the number of tourists--especially since there is a sizable park entrance fee--if money is so desperately needed to preserve the city?

The main reason is preservation. Machu Picchu officials desperately need to raise revenue without increasing the number of tourists--foot traffic causes the most damage to the city--or the entrance fee. The Peruvian government has placed a freeze on both of these figures for the next ten years.

Officials want visitors to spend money once they get inside the ancient city. Could small shops with marked-up trinkets increase revenue? Yes, but on a very small scale. The coaster will be the most expensive thrill ride in the world at $1,500 per ride. Officials wanted a high-priced item that would also deliver high-end satisfaction.

"We want visitors to feel like they are getting value for their money," said Antuay. "Trust me, there will be no roller coaster in the world comparable to this one."

The same scientists predicting the slow downward movement of the city say that the added weight of the new roller coaster is worth the risk to preserve the UNESCO World Heritage Site for future generations.

The wooden roller coaster, which was started last June, is approaching the final stages of construction, and, when finished, will run almost a half mile and reach speeds of 100 mph and heights of over 8,200 ft above sea level.

"This will be one bitchin' ride," said Doug Sizemore, archaeologist adviser to the roller coaster construction company and a member of the prestigious American Archaeologists and Regional Preservationists (AARP).

Machu Picchu will not bear any of the cost of the new roller coaster, as Texas-based Six Flags Amusement Parks has agreed to pay the full price of the ride in exchange for the right to choose the name of the ride. Six Flags said that Ponce de Leon's Fountain of Extreme Vertical Drops was also a finalist for the coaster's name despite the fact that the "explorer" never set foot in Peru.

"It will raise a lot of money to help preserve the city," said scientist, Maita Ayar. "It's not the prettiest addition, but Six Flags gave me a pass for the whole summer, so..."

Avatar joins with Pharmaceutical giant to launch new drug ... Avatar

West Point, PA--Merck & Co., one of the largest pharmaceutical companies in the world, has teamed up with 20th Century Fox and the 2009 film Avatar to create a new motion-sickness drug. The drug, Avatar, will help drastically reduce the sensation of spinning in patients experiencing abnormal amounts of motion sickness, also called kinetosis, especially while viewing films on large theater screens. "It can also be used for amusement park rides," said Merck director of sales, Hal Dilworth. Guests attending the Academy Awards on Sunday night at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood, CA will each be given a two-month supply of Avatar in the shape of the Oscar statue. Merck has clearly stated, with large warning labels on each bottle, that the drug is not recommended to be taken during Sandra Bullock movies. "It's not a good mix. It's just not," said Dilworth.

PETA discovers Opening Ceremony whales discarded by stadium loading dock

Vancouver, B. C.--People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) kept a close eye on Vancouver Olympic Organizing Committee officials since the Game's Opening Ceremonies concluded on February 12 th. During the extravagant, three-hour long presentation, several blue whales were spotted at one point "swimming" through the stadium floor.

Crowds cheered as the mammals appeared to spray water through surface-penetrating blowholes and out into the stadium air. The show, claimed IOC officials, was part of a high-tech, multi-billion dollar computer generated imaging program.

"Vancouver officials claimed the whales were generated by computers," said PETA official, Pam Stevenson. "PETA knew something wasn't right. That's why we sent a representative to Vancouver to watch these guys. Somewhere along the line they were going to slip up and we were going to be there when they did."

Yesterday, a PETA intern, Tom Richards, 19, was keeping watch of the BC Place Stadium loading dock from a dumpster across the parking lot. Around 12:31 PM Pacific Time, two of the five large bay doors opened and Richards, between bites of a PETA-butter and jelly sandwich, witnessed a small crane hoisting a lifeless whale.

"What can I say," said a visibly choked up Vancouver Olympic official, Damon Bordent. "This, ah ... is a very embarrassing day for Vancouver and Canada. I'll admit it. We can't hide anymore. We had to use real whales because, let's face it, they can't make computers do what we wanted to do. In our defense, however, we felt we could save one of the three whales. It just didn't work out that way. It's extremely difficult to conceal three rotting, 170-metric ton whales. The smell alone should have been enough to make us turn ourselves in."

PETA looked for clues throughout the games, but ultimately revisited the Opening Ceremony video footage for leads. On February 17th, PETA requested to speak with hockey great Wayne Gretzky.

"Did you see how much he was perspiring during the lighting of the cauldron? He knew something was up. Honestly, that's what really tipped us off," said Stevenson. "That uncontrollable sweat."

Bordent went on to explain that the reason one of the cauldron's legs did not rise properly out of the stadium floor on February 12th was because it had become lodged on one of the whales.

"Wayne [Gretzky] was sweating because we were telling him in his ear piece that 'the leg is caught on one of the whales. Please stand by. The whales are getting hostile,'" said Bordent. "Wayne was instrumental in bringing the whales to Vancouver and we all thought that we were going to be exposed that night, which would have been a nightmare. I am just so thankful and proud that we were not discovered until after the Games were over."

Gretzky did say that he thought the whales were a huge hit and that "when I saw those three beautiful whales and the roar of the audience, it was like I just scored a hat-trick ... a natural hat-trick."

How Bob's lead spawned an Olympic event

Today, the Scandinavian Mountains, in northern Sweden, are a relatively quiet, uninhabited cluster of snow-capped peaks. One of the highest in this range, Mt. Kebnekaise, stands 6962 ft. and is roughly 50 miles west of the small town of Kiruna. Presently, this Swedish town of 18,000, bases much of it's economy on mining iron ore. This, however, was not always the case.

In the late 1800's the mining of lead, and not iron ore, was an extremely profitable endeavor. Lead was used in the manufacturing of many things at this time, especially items that required lead.

In 1898, a large deposit of this mineral was discovered in the foothills below Mt. Kebnekaise, which is 90 miles north of the Arctic Circle. The average December temperature in this harsh climate is 13 degrees F.

Lead, at this time, was so lucrative that scores of people--even with no mining background--would take huge risks in subzero temperatures for the mineral. Countless Swedes, Norwegians, Finns, Germans, English and Scots fled to the area to claim their fortune.

Mixed in with the northern-bound masses was Robert Merriton, a law clerk from Cheshire-on-the-Thames, England. The simple-living man left his wife and four children and a comfortable, low-wage position inside the basement of an English court to take a daring chance at securing the fortune he so desperately wanted for his loved ones.

With his meager savings he managed to establish a small, personal camp and a shallow mine. He was a white collar man in a blue collar world and had difficulty adjusting to the ways of the miner. In the beginning, he often had to learn things the hard way.

One such learning lesson occurred on February 12, 1898. Merriton, described as a "trusting soul," would often go into his mine while leaving piles of lead, unattended, at the entrance. Looking to save money wherever he could, he failed to hire a watchman for his fortune. One thing he did do, however, was place a unique marking on each piece of lead that would identify the large chunks as his own.

Miners from all around knew that Bob, as he preferred to be called, placed this symbol on all of his pieces.

Because of the cold temperatures and snowy conditions, miners often transported their caches by way of wooden sled down gradually descending, switchback-laden trails that, eventually, led to Kiruna.

On this blistery cold February afternoon, Bob emerged from his mine shaft only to discover his two large piles of lead were nowhere to be seen. Lead bandits, or lead looters, as they came to be known, had made off with Bob's future.

As the bandits passed mine after mine with Bob's lead, on their way to Kiruna, workers, roaming about and performing everyday tasks, began to notice the symbols on the sides of each rock. They also knew that Bob handled all of his own transport. He would never, under any circumstances, hire an independent lead transporter like some other miners would.

The whispers began as the bandits passed the neighboring mining camps: "Hey, isn't that Bob's lead?" or "Han's take a look at those shady characters, I think that's Bob's lead they're running." or "Hot damn, that looks like Bob's lead."

The bandits' anxiety began to grow as they sensed trouble, as the mining community was very close, and would often look out for each other. With one quick turn, the bandits began a rapid decent down the adjacent slope to escape the perceived danger.

"Get your sleds boys. Those creeps got Bob's lead ... and we're gonna take it back," shouted one of the miners.

At least fifteen men mounted their rickety, wooden sleds and raced down the hill after the thieves. Miners not intending to go along for the ride helped by pushing the sleds with a running start. The men had never used the sleds before to travel at such high rates of speed down such a steep slope. The fear and uncertainty, however, did not stop them as they knew Bob, a well-liked member of the community, would have done the same for them.

The high speed pursuit took the unsteady sleds past more mining camps downhill, where startled laborers heard constant shouts of, "Bob's lead! Bob's lead! They got Bob's lead!"

The bandits were eventually caught, and later pelted with the very lead they had stolen. But the exhilaration that the miner's experienced going down that hill would be unforgettable. From that day forward, the miners would end each day with a sled run down the hill and, thus, giving birth to a future Olympic sport.

Over time the 'a' was eventually dropped and Bob's lead became bobsled. Today, Olympic bobsledders are forbidden to weigh down their sleds with lead, but will often pay tribute to the sport's history by wearing a small piece as jewelry. And, after each winter games concludes, the sport's governing body, the International Bobsledding Association (IBA), decorates the first place finishers with a medal made from lead at the IBA headquarters in Stockholm.

"It's tradition," said Norwegian bobsledder Bonj Honen. "We remember those brave miners, especially Mr Merriton, every time down the mountain."

Four spectators dead, two seriously wounded in debut of aerial biathlon

Above: Twisting, turning aerial skiers were unable to control
rifle accuracy in midair, often missing targets by large margins.

Vancouver, B.C.--"Aerial biathlon seemed like a really good idea three years ago, but we're really going to sit down next month and study whether this event should continue in the next Olympics," said IOC president Pierre Bonne. "We will go on with the event as planned this year simply because the athletes have worked so hard to get here. I want to reassure our fans and say that, as we speak, we are installing bulletproof glass in front of all seating areas. Plus, we'll have half price tickets, dollar hot dogs, t-shirt giveaways and snow cones for the kids. So, come on back."

Ski Jumpers using Snuggies to jump farther than ever

IOC has already banned the sleeved blanket from 2014 Games

Whistler, British Columbia--Yesterday, Finland's Hans Frojn shattered the Olympic ski jumping record of 239 meters with a whopping 314 meter leap. In fact, Frojn wasn't the only jumper to break the record. Every participating skier soared a distance of at least 260 meters.

Is it the thin air? Perhaps, unusually strong wind gusts? How about lighter athletes or equipment? None of the above. The jumpers are using the popular Snuggie, a sleeved blanket, to sail abnormally long distances.

The Snuggies, which are made of lightweight material, are turning jumpers into gliders by catching wind gusts and delaying landings by five to ten seconds.

"Have you ever seen a flying squirrel soar through the air? They really don't fly but glide as they spread their body out to create the largest possible surface area," explained Don Simmons, an aeronautical expert at the British Columbia Aviation Institute. "The Snuggie acts in a similar way, which is why we are seeing such long jumps."

The first jumper to wear the Snuggie yesterday was Canada's Tim Herrier, who simply wore the blanket because he was cold. Herrier--and the event's judges--was not aware of how the Snuggie would alter his jump or the future of the event.

"I really was just cold," said Herrier. "My girlfriend got me this stupid Snuggie and I really didn't have anything else that compared to its lightweight and comfort. Most everybody was laughing at me at the top of the hill and then I jumped 235 meters, which was four short of the world record. They weren't laughing anymore."

Following Herrier's jump, area stores quickly sold out of the popular blanket, as jumpers began to claim that they too were "cold." Despite Herrier's best efforts, the native of Nova Scotia was unable to prevent his competitors from buying the blankets.

"Snuggie Gate," as it is being referred to, has caused many a lot of stress. So confused was the event's judging committee that competition was halted for almost four hours, as rules were checked and double checked. Members of the International Olympic Committee (IOC) were called to the site to address this "special situation."

"There's nothing we can do at this time. Rule 302.11.56 states that winter Olympic athletes are permitted to keep warm by any means necessary. This, unfortunately, includes those awful-looking Snuggies," said Franz Tullerone, an IOC official. "But this will not be the case in Sochi."

Tullerone was referring to the 2014 Winter Olympic games in Sochi, Russia. The IOC voted late last night, in an emergency competition committee session, to change Rule 302.11.56. The amended rule specifically states that "Snuggies will not be permitted in any event, no matter how warm they may keep athletes."

Barefoot speed skater excelling in Vancouver

Former Philadelphia Eagles' place kicker Paul McFadden stood and cheered in the stands inside the packed Richmond Olympic Oval, just south of Vancouver, during the finals of the men's 1250 meter speed skating event.

McFadden became well-known during his days in the NFL, 1984 to 1989, for kicking barefooted--even in the frigid cold. The kicker traveled to British Columbia for these winter games because he felt a certain connection to one of the athletes. It wasn't McFadden's son, or any relative for that matter, that caused the Cleveland native to show up, unannounced, to Canada's western province.

Twenty-three-old Norwegian Jorgen Johensen is the only speed skater in the world to perform his craft without skates. Yes, you read that correctly. Johensen is, like McFadden, a barefoot athlete.

"I'd like to think that I was a big part of his choice in skating style," said McFadden, eyes watering. "I see a lot of me in Jorgen. He's a special competitor."

Growing up in rural northern Europe, Johensen was not exposed much to American television.

"I'm sorry, I'm sure Mr. McFadden is a very nice man, but I have no idea who he is," said the skater politely, when asked if the 1980's NFL player was the inspiration to his no-skates method. "I've never seen an American football game, especially one from the that long ago. I wish he would stop following me."

The native of Lillehammer feels that his style gives him an advantage over his skate-wearing competitors, but also admits that it is much more dangerous and that, despite going skateless at 8 years old, he still gets nervous.

"The turns are the scariest," the skater said laughing. "Every turn is very ... ah, what is the English word ... hairy. Yes, the turns are very hairy. But I never have to sharpen skates like other skaters, which saves me money."

The unusual style, however, has paid off thus far, as the skater captured the gold medal in the 1250 meter final and hopes to repeat that "feat" in tomorrow's 1255 meter final. Coming into the final turn, in the 1250 meter race, he lost his footing, but was able to quickly regain balance when his untrimmed toenails caught the ice and prevented a complete wipeout.

"My mother told me to trim my toenails that morning because I was going to be on national tv," the skater said, smiling. "If I had listened to my mother I would not have been standing on that podium barefoot with a gold medal."

Johensen, now a resident of Oslo, would not go into great detail about the reasons behind his barefoot style, but did dispel rumors that he was born with a rare shoe-wearing disorder.

"Norwegian tabloids have often reported that I have triple hyper-overactive sweat glands in my feet, which makes wearing shoes, at any time, nearly impossible," said the frustrated Olympian, standing barefoot in a snowbank outside of the Olympic training facility. "This is untrue and I ask that reporters consider my families feelings when making such ridiculous accusations like this."

Does museum's new acquistion promote sledding?

Philadelphia, PA-- "The museum's position has always been that we would prefer people not to use the steps for sledding because of safety reasons. We certainly do not want to encourage winter recreation on the famous steps," said Dayle Michaels, a Philadelphia Museum of Art official. "However, when you can get a great deal on a used chair lift, you have to take it."

Celebrating Saints fans stop, rethink levee looting

New Orleans, LA -- Between twenty and thirty die-hard New Orleans Saints' fans, after a long night of drinking and partying on world-famous Bourbon Street, gathered and made their way to one of the city's numerous levees just after dawn. The crew was looking to "celebrate" the team's first ever Super Bowl victory, as jubilant, intoxicated fans are known for doing when their teams capture a championship. "After about five minutes of pushing the giant concrete walls, we just thought that maybe this isn't such a great idea," said Harold Cormier, 45, of the city's Garden District. "I mean, the levees looked awfully important. We wanted to do better than simply flip over a car, but we ended up doing that on the way back to the French Quarter, anyway."

FOX to counter CBS Super Bowl with premier of 'Mayday, Mayday'

Above: An episode of Mayday, Mayday filmed in Niagara Falls. Miraculously, all crash survivors' bodies were recovered.

The FOX Broadcasting Network is putting a lot of faith--and money--into its latest reality television show. So confident is the network in the show's certain success, that they are putting the initial episode up against the second half of the Super Bowl, which is airing Sunday evening on CBS at 6:25 pm.

The new show, Mayday, Mayday, will begin at 8:15 pm just in time to give viewers caught up in the elongated halftime show--featuring The Who--ample time to grab another beer and refill the Dorito bowl, before turning the channel over to FOX.

What could possibly pull viewers away from America's most popular sporting event you might ask? How about a certain U.S. Airways' pilot? That's correct. Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, last January's Hudson River hero, will "host" this controversial new reality show.

The goal of the show is for home viewers to get a firsthand look into how experienced, or inexperienced pilots, react in emergency situations--specifically for crash water landings. Unsuspecting pilots will be forced to make emergency landings in waterways all over the country.

"News networks reported record audiences in the days and weeks following the Hudson River water landing last year," said Henry Jenkins, FOX director of programming. "We want to take that concept and excitement--and the major revenue that comes with it--and have a new and crazy water landing every week. It's really gonna be neat."

Hidden cameras will be set up around the cockpit, passenger seating areas, bathrooms and flight attendant gathering areas. Sullenberger, who, until airborne, will be hiding in a specially designed compartment in most episodes, will be wearing a captains hat with a small video camera attached to give audiences a view from the hero's eyes.

Through misinformation provided by the control tower and a snip of some random, though not believed to be crucial, fuselage wires during flight, the plane will be sent into a rapid descent. The flight crew, including all flight attendants, will have no prior knowledge that what is occurring is for a television show.

Sullenberger will not reveal himself to the crew until the plane begins to lose altitude, bursting through the false wall that had concealed his presence. The hero will stand over the pilots and question their every move, and will continuously remind them about how successful his Hudson River landing was.

If the pilots are incapable of excelling under this extreme pressure, Sullenberger will step in to guide the jet to a safe landing. According to a source close to the show, Sully steps in only twice, but this is unconfirmed.

In one scene, Sullenberger frightens two young pilots by saying, "Fellas, I'm contractually obligated by FOX not to help you land this plane."

"People may ask why I am doing this," said Sullenberger, defying FOX's request to not participate in interviews. "Honestly, it's for the kids. All those damn, great kids. Bless their hearts."

So controversial is the show that news of its creation only recently emerged, as FOX attempted to keep the anticipated media firestorm off its back for as long as possible.

Because of law suit concerns, all passengers aboard the planes are actors and are all informed of exactly when the plane will experience "extreme turbulence."

"It's still very scary," said Bob Neminster, an actor who claims to have been an extra in over 150 movies. "The pilots still have to land the plane successfully. But it's worth the free lunch and 50 bucks."

Water landing witnesses were forced to sign a confidentiality agreement and were also generously compensated. Some news outlets have reported that the show filmed 26 or more water landings and, unbelievably, were able to keep them all a secret.

"Money talks," said Jenkins. "Money talks many languages. And Mr Franklin talks very loudly, almost too loudly. Sometimes I have to tell him to keep it down."

Last October, two Northwest Airlines' pilots, flying from San Diego, overshot the Minneapolis Airport by 150 miles, before circling and, eventually, landing safely. This, as it turns out, was for an episode of Mayday, Mayday. This is why the airline and pilots were so tight-lipped about the incident. The pilots were able to overcome the situation and land in Minneapolis, much to FOX's frustration.

"FOX has forbidden me to comment on what occurred in that plane," said Captain Kevin Torrance, a Northwest pilot aboard the flight. "All I can say is that if Sully didn't wake us up, er, well, I can't even say that."

FOX executives are barely able to contain their excitement for Sunday's premier.

"Yes, CBS has the Super Bowl, but we think we can make a decent dent in their ratings with Mayday, Mayday," said Jim Higgins, a FOX executive, wearing a Mayday, Mayday hat. "In fact, on Monday morning, at the water cooler, we think people will be asking who won the game."

Van Damme making dams from old vans

Above: Van Damme celebrates one of his earliest projects in rural Senegal.

Walking past pile after pile of rusted-out, doorless jalopies in a junkyard 14 miles outside of Brussels, one can see that most of the useful parts--the souls, if you will--have been stripped from the frames long ago, rendering what was left behind virtually useless, but, at the same time, extending the life of vehicles still on the road.

As our society becomes more and more disposable, what will become of sites like these in Belgium and around the world?

One person had a vision of what could be done with this "junk," which had seemingly given all it had to give. Jean-Claude Van Damme (yes, that Jean Claude) asked himself a very interesting question almost two years ago: How could these old vans be used to help people?

"I was doing an autograph session with Jackie Chan and Sylvester Stallone in a junkyard near Maleizen, Belgium, and I was just marveling at all the junked-out cars. But what really caught my eye was the sheer number of old vans. I was like 'dam,'" said Van Damme, while eating a ham and lamb sandwich inside a new Dodge Ram van.

Jean-Claude Van Damme is most well known for his on-screen roundhouse kicks and blood-drawing face jabs that permeated his popular action films of the '80s and '90s. The beatings the actor dished out on film in no way foreshadowed his current devotion to international humanitarian projects.

"Vans with no life are ... well, giving life," said Van Damme from his home in Belgium. "Van dams are the future of blocking water flow where water blockage is so desperately needed."

The vans are being used to create dams that will control flooding and provide drinking water for small villages in developing countries. Van Damme's work, thus far, has been concentrated in Asia and western Africa, with only a handful of projects in South America.

Unlike passenger cars, vans are often bulkier and heavier, proving ideal for damming small rivers, creeks and streams. The actor initially began the the program with smaller sedans and coupes, but scrapped this method after the lighter vehicles were quickly washed away when heavy rains inundated local drainage basins.

Vans have been pouring in from all over the world to help the actor continue his work in assisting the less fortunate and malnourished of the world.

"Two months after creating a van dam in Laos I get a call on my cell phone," said the star of Blood Sport. "The horn on one of the vans went off in the middle of the night startling the locals and causing a small panic."

Van Damme has worked closely with micro loan entrepreneur and Nobel Peace Prize recipient Muhammad Yunus in Bangladesh to serve the water-inundated, low-lying parts of the country. Utilizing the power of van dams in the flood-prone regions will allow residents to store water for later use when the flood waters have receded.

"At first I viewed the program as a way to globally distribute the western world's waste. I was wrong, very wrong! Jean-Claude's van dams have given many people in Bangladesh great hope for clean drinking water. Many are being built by Bangladeshis using the micro loans from Grameen Bank," explained Yunus, referring to the bank he founded in 1976.

Yunus hinted that, if the van dam program continues to grow at its current pace, his new friend could be holding a Nobel Prize of his own some day.

With the recent travesty in Haiti, Van Damme has begun preparations to expand into the Caribbean to construct several dams in rural areas outside of Port-au-Prince. Many dams failed, or were severely damaged, during the 7.1 magnitude earthquake that struck the country on January 12 th.

The success of Jean-Claude's Van Dams may even lead to projects in rural areas of North America and Europe. A northern Saskatoon, Canada, community has already contacted the nonprofit for a possible installation on the Wanatoochee Creek, a waterway in desperate need of a van dam.

North Dakota, Minnesota and Manitoba officials have denied rumors that the two states and province are attempting to solve the oft flooded Red River's woes with a large van dam.

"We cannot comment on the 450 used vans that recently arrived along the west bank of the Red River, just north of Fargo," said North Dakota's governor, John Hoeven.

Rittenhouse Square deer hunt postponed

Some residents are avoiding the park because of the large number of deer.

Animal rights activists cheered loudly yesterday on the northeast corner of Rittenhouse Square. Echoing from the group of two hundred or so protesters were cheers of, "Get up off that little couch and let the deer in Rittenhouse."

The city and Fairmount Park have decided to postpone the scheduled February 23rd deer hunt, in one of the city's most popular parks, for at least six months.

The deer have been wreaking havoc on the park's vegetation for years, eating the bark and leaves off countless trees. The animals also present challenges for farmers markets and disturb picnickers. For these reasons, park and city officials seek to reduce, by half, the 624 deer of the two square block park.

"This is a huge victory for us," said Stacy Corbin, president of Dear Deer, a watch group for the park's deer. "This postponement can only mean that a full cancellation is just over the horizon."

Some residents have had enough of the deer and are willing to finally support a controlled hunt.

"Enough is enough," said Jon Mondesi, 44, of Rittenhouse. "The deer are always looking to start trouble. If I must cut through the park, I keep my head down and sprint, ignoring their comments. They're horrible."

Talk of the hunt began after last spring's Rittenhouse Square Arts Festival debacle, in which many deer ate paintings, knocked over tents and smashed sculptures. Forty-four deer were later arrested and charged.

New helmet did not deter Saints defenders, as quarterback had hoped

Brett Favre wanted to go out in style. Though he didn't quite have enough yesterday to lead the Vikings back to the Super Bowl, he did, however, make a dramatic fashion statement. The 40-year-old quarterback from Mississippi was the only member of the Minnesota squad to wear three-dimensional viking horns on the sides of his helmet. "I really thought the defenders would think twice about trying to sack me if I had real horns," said a distraught Favre, who was knocked to the ground repeatedly throughout the 31-28 overtime loss to the Saints in the NFC Championship game. "Obviously it only made them more determined." Though Favre was not sacked in the game, he was hit hard and often and, at one point, limped off the field with an injured ankle. "When I saw the horns in pregame warm-ups," said Saints' linebacker Scott Shanle, who sustained a deep wound to his abdomen in the second quarter from Favre's left horn, "I knew it was going to be a fun day. The kind that linebackers live for."

Phila pretzel vendors using touchscreen technology

The new machines are not error-free, however, as some customers ordering mustard are getting catchup.

Don't let the rusted shopping carts, mildew-covered cardboard boxes or broken milk crates fool you. Philadelphia soft pretzel vendors are going high-tech. On January 1st, during the annual Mummers march up Broad St, ten to twenty vendors across the city began to use touchscreen ordering technology.

Only three weeks later, that number has easily surpassed twenty-five. The new--and costly--commitment to technology by vendors, however, is not by choice. The City passed a law in November requiring that all vendors begin to use the touch monitors by March 1, 2010.

"It's an efficiency thing," said Councilman Jim Borten. "I mean, c'mon, we need to embrace technology, not fight it."

Customers will approach the stands and, instead of verbally communicating with the salesman behind the cart, will simply use the attached screen to order pretzels and choose from various condiments.

"It was a little strange," said Gail Rosioli, 53, of South Philadelphia. "It takes a lot longer to order now than it did before. Is it so difficult to say, 'I want a pretzel with mustard?' I guess, like all new things, it will just take time to get used to."

"It's fantastic," said Gail Travers, 48, a parade reveler from University City. "I don't have to make eye contact with the vendors anymore."

Most vendors are warming to the idea of the new systems.

"It's a new interactive experience," said Frank Sullivan, a vendor from Pennsport, as he used and old comb to remove the salt from a pretzel for a no salt order. "Although, I will say that I do miss the interaction with the customers that come to buy the pretzels."

The initial screen greets patrons with a picture of a smiling, hand-clapping soft pretzel (vendors can add costumes to the pretzels for different occasions). This is followed by a screen asking, "What would you like today?" The only choice is a pretzel icon, which customers touch to advance to the next screen. Here, icons for quantity and an option to checkout are shown.

At the bottom of every screen is the option to purchase pretzels that are more than a day old--a Philadelphian's God-given right. "Do you like your pretzels a little more stiff? Choose pretzels from two to sixty days old."

Orders are then displayed on a smaller screen facing the vendor at the back of the cart. Most screen systems are powered by car batteries, but the option to plug into an outlet is also available. Solar power may also be a power choice in the future.

Most of the ordering devices being fastened to the side of the metal shopping carts are secondhand, sold to the mobile merchants by Wawa, Inc. The popular local convenience store chain said they will not be requiring a percentage of the pretzel proceeds.

"Every now and then there is a glitch in the system and customers are given the option of ordering a shorti hoagie or soup," said smiling vendor Steve Butterfield, as he sprayed his inventory with a solution from an old Windex bottle. "And I'm like 'pretzels only people, pretzels only.'"

Dalembert grateful that both Sixers' fans answered donation request

Lifting son should have given clue to McGwire steroid use

It is hard to believe that the great McGwire-Sosa home run race is almost twelve years old. The epic showdown of two home run hitters on rival teams had America's baseball fans captivated, checking the highlights each night to see who had taken the lead in the chase to break baseball's greatest, most cherished record.

The great race of 1998 gave new life to baseball. In the early to mid-90's, many fans and critics claimed that the game had not properly adapted to the younger, less attentive, video game-playing spectator. A faster pace was needed to compete with football, basketball and hock ... er, NASCAR.

Then came 1998. Fans that had left, quickly and blindly returned and critics began to count home runs and track down the Maris family.

The home run battle, however, was recently forever tainted by Mark McGwire's announcement that he used performance enhancing drugs during that period.

Were there any clues at the time that either player was using PEDs to power the historic run? Some are pointing to the record-breaking home run celebration by McGwire, when he lifted his then 10-year-old son, and batboy, off the ground and high into the air.

"After [McGwire] hit number 62 it never even occurred to me that PEDs were involved," said Cardinals' fan Jack Gaffney. "But when he touched home plate and lifted that son of his high into the air ... I really began to wonder."

"After he lifted his son, I turned to a colleague of mine in the press box and said I should really investigate this and find out where this sudden burst of strength came from," said New York Times reporter, Victor Styles. "But I ended up writing an article about the Maris' family sightseeing tour while they were staying in St Louis."

"Honestly, when my dad lifted me up I began to wonder," said son and former batboy, Matt McGwire.

Reid: 'I have quite a few decisions to make during this off-season.'

City’s new solar compacting mailboxes allowing for even less frequent collection

Has that letter you mailed four weeks ago--or even four months ago--arrived at its destination? Did you think your package was lost in the mail? Did you call the Postal Service to complain? Perhaps you resent your letter or package ... several times.

Well, with the city's new solar compacting mailboxes, chances are your mail is likely still in the box, and, at one-twentieth it's original size.

The City of Philadelphia and the United States Postal Service have agreed that the latest attempt to streamline costs (email and text messaging are greatly reducing USPS revenue) has been a huge success. The USPS Solar Mailbox Pilot Program began in Philadelphia in June with about 20 units, with more added every couple of weeks. They can be seen at many corners in and around Center City and, as the name suggests, are powered by the sun.

“With these solar compacting mailboxes I can go three to four weeks in between pickups for some of the mailboxes on my route,” said Rebbecca Stevens a mail carrier in the Fairmount section of Philadelphia.

"I haven't even looked in that mailbox since July," said Hank Tanner gesturing towards a box on Front Street.

What does it take to increase the capacity of a standard size mailbox by twentyfold? How about 30 tons of compacting force per square inch of diamond-coated steel. Engineers agree that there is a fine line between compacting and turning your mail into pulp.

"Thirty-one pounds per square inch was turning a simple letter-size envelop into apple sauce. We are really urging customers not to place small boxes with fragile or non-fragile items into the new mailboxes," said Betty Sharon a consultant to the pilot program and employee of Lockheed Martin. "Unless the boxes are steel and concrete reinforced, but even then I wouldn't do it."

Though the less frequent collections are benefiting postal carriers, customers are experiencing much longer delivery times for a simple letter.

"My cable, electricity, water and heat have all been turned off," said Greg Dallenbach. "[USPS] is telling me my September heating bill should arrive at PGW any day now."