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Logan Circle disqualified again from City's 'Best Square Contest'

Philadelphia, PA--It is difficult to believe that it is once again time for the beloved Best Square Contest of Philadelphia, an event held every six years to determine the City's most favorite original park square. Though the original five squares have been reduced to three, there is much excitement and high anticipation every half dozen trips around the sun during the final weeks of May.

Residents and park enthusiasts can vote by using the ballot boxes stationed conveniently in each square. If voting on-site, fill out the three page form completely, fold the 8.5"X11" paper into sixteenths and drip hot wax (candles will be provided) to make a final seal on the ballot or your vote will not be counted. The other option is to simply vote online, with three simple clicks of the mouse, or via text message.

Washington Square is the reigning champion after judges were in awe over how park officials adjusted the center fountain to shoot two feet higher--to a total height of nine feet--in 2004. "We didn't make a lot of changes to the park six years ago," said Donna Fitzsimmos, president of Good Buddies of Washington Square. "But, we thought slightly increasing the fountain height would go a long way. And it worked. Boy oh boy, did it work."

Franklin Square was given a major makeover in 2006, one year after the most recent contest ended, and hopes to make a strong showing with it's newly-added carousel, miniature golf course and outdoor eateries.

Rittenhouse, often considered the king of the original five squares, finished a disappointing third in 2005, but has captured 22 of the 47 titles awarded since the contest began in 1723.

"Let's face it," said one official who only went by the name Park Bench, "Rittenhouse is the park to beat most years."

Center Square's eligibility ended in 1871 when the site was chosen as the new home for City Hall. Center Square won several Best Square awards over the decades prior to its bowing to progress. For years, volunteer groups that help in maintaining Dilworth Plaza--on the same block and just to the west of the tallest free-standing masonry building in the world--made valiant efforts to have the small park become eligible for the contest. However, it never was approved by the Best Square Contest board.

"Yes, Dilworth Plaza is a park. And, yes, Dilworth Plaza is on the site of one of the original five squares. But, c'mon," explained Daffney Bullard, a board member of the popular contest. "It's just not ... it's ... Oh, I can't even remember what I was going to say."

Logan Circle, remade in 2005, has been disqualified every year since 1925, when it was transformed from a square to a circle, and, despite this shape, enters the contest every year.

"Contest rules require us to permit Logan Square into the competition each time around," said Bullard. "They were an original, but we use helicopters and satellite photos to confirm their circularness and, ultimately, their disqualification."

Despite the politics involved in the contest, every resident of the city and surrounding counties has a favorite square and will be waiting eagerly for the competition's results.

"This is like if Restaurant Week was held every five years," said Sarah Telford, lead organizer of the Best Square Contest 2011. "This is all I do for six years, so I'm pretty excited. It's exciting. We're all excited."

Above: Franklin Square, no kite flying.

Above: Rittenhouse Square--no longer Segway-free.

Above: Logan Circle, it's a circle, so ...

Above: Washington Square with a new, impressive fountain water height.

Cast your vote today!

Despite name, Reds' manager assures fans kitchen is clean

Above: Cincinnati Reds' manager Johnnie "Dusty" Baker denies rumors that he keeps an unkempt kitchen when baking goods for his players or family. Baker was given the nickname Dusty in 1975 as an outfielder for the Atlanta Braves after teammate Frank Bozner visited his suburban Atlanta home and witnessed a "very dirty and dusty kitchen." "Yes, I love to bake and, yes, my kitchen was not the cleanliest in the mid-1970's. But, that is not the case anymore," explained Baker. "I mean, yes, still call me Dusty, but it's just a name. You know what, just call me Johnnie ... or Dusty. Heck, just call me Justy ... or Dohnnie."

Despite intense pressure, controversial Race Street Pier hydraulic lift system to remain

Above: Early last week, before the completion of the new pier, park officials tested the controversial hydraulic lifts. The lifts are intended to "clear the homeless" who remain on the pier after the 11 o'clock curfew.

Philadelphia, PA--The announcement came over the temporary, 2"X4"-mounted loud speakers, startling curious residents checking in and the plethora of construction workers scurrying to complete the City's newest park.

"All personnel are to clear the pier in preparation for the hydraulic lift test," said a cold, yet excited voice. "Five minutes to liftoff."

As the last of the bricklayers, landscapers, railing fasteners and deck builders exited the pier, a faint humming sound began to emit from beneath the murky, debris-laden Delaware River water surface. Seconds later, the seamless gateway between the urban sidewalk on solid ground and the new park began to separate, elevating like a yawning drawbridge.
It is the first of its kind in the country say the designers of the brand new Race Street Pier, a magnificent new park jutting out into the tidal Delaware River adjacent to the iconic Ben Franklin Bridge. The former Municipal Pier 11 has been transformed from a decaying, weed-strewn, concrete and steel skeleton to an inviting, grab-a-sandwich-and-hang-out park.

Why on earth does the City's newest public space--complete with fine wood benches, dramatic Trex step seating with panoramic views of the busy port and a pocket-sized grass lounging area--raise like a movie set clapboard?

The massive hydraulic lifts are primarily a way to ramp the park so that "homeless and other individuals" that remain on the pier after the 11 pm closing time will gently and slowly slide off benches and steps, waking from their slumber, and into the river below. The lifts, which support up to 22 million tons, were designed and manufactured in South Korea, shipped through the Panama Canal, and can "become perpendicular in seconds or hours."

"Listen, we wanted to discourage use of the park after the 11 o'clock hour by anyone, but the William Penn Foundation, who made a sizable donation towards the park's construction, forbade us from installing a gate at the entrance claiming that it would be 'an unfriendly welcome' to visitors," said Tyler Sinclair, the park's creator and a partner with Cooper-Sinclair and Associates, a Center City firm made up of landscape architects, planners and architects. "So we designated two million dollars towards a lift system. Simple as that."

A sign at the entrance, however, warns visitors that "this wonderful park will become vertical beginning at 11:05 p.m., please vacate the pier by this time."

"For individuals that can really hang on, the pier can go past the 90 degree angle and actually become slightly inverted over the water," said Sinclair. "We can also shake the pier back and forth somewhat, in case there are some real troopers."

On Monday, Max Francis, a rookie bricklayer working on the park lost a closely contested rocks-papers-scissors contest obligating him to be the first test person cleared from the pier using the lift system.

"I laid on a bench and just kind of waited while all of my co-workers looked on from the sidewalk," said Francis. "I could feel the park getting higher and then, swoosh. I slid from the bench down the decking and right into the river. I'll admit ... it was a little fun. A little ... uplifting?"

Protesters, however, from across the country have converged on the city to voice their concerns, including celebrities such as Mary Stuart Masterson, Brent Phillips, Sarah Jessica Parker, Larry Mendte, Joan Cusack and John Cusack.

"This is outrageous," said Bethany Marks, a protester leading a group of anti-hydraulic lift citizens that went by the name Lick the Hydraulics and who were emphatically chanting outside the Mayor's office at City Hall. "Remove those lifts Mr. Mayor. Remove those lifts."

"I'm not sure what all the fuss is about," said Gail Cooper, the Cooper in Cooper-Sinclair. "There will be plenty of flotation devices at the end of the park and powerful magnets will hold can-filled shopping carts in place. The 'cleared' individuals can claim the shopping carts on the following morning. We have a system in place ... a very well thought out system."

At least 2 dead and 15 pedestrians seriously injured after Comcast Center rooftop tennis courts open

Elite Navy M.A.N.A.T.E.E.S. force opens up about bin Laden raid snub

Norfolk, VA--Lt. Kyle Campbell trusted he made the right decision nearly two weeks ago, as high-tech U.S. military helicopters carried the elite Navy SEALs team out of Afghanistan and into neighboring Pakistan. We all know how the bin Laden raid turned out, but Campbell, one of the leaders of the mission, nervously watched a 64-inch monitor from an undisclosed American base in the Afghan countryside.

"I was really hoping that I made the right decision," said Campbell, about his choice to use the Navy SEALs. "I'm not a nail-biting person, but I really had no fingernails left at the end of that day. I must have urinated six times in the hour before our crew set out."

Several months ago, when the Navy was preparing for the raid on the Al-Qaeda leader's compound, the Lieutenant was put in a very difficult position--the old rock and a hard place. As most know (or at least know now), the Navy has two elite forces that were capable of successfully completing such a top secret mission: the SEALs and the M.A.N.A.T.E.E.S.

Though the two forces respect each other, there is a fierce competition to be labeled the more elite, talented group of the Navy branch of the military. There is strong lobbying by leaders of each force to be awarded the most difficult missions in the most random, far off corners of the globe.

The M.A.N.A.T.E.E.S., which stands for Martial Arts Ninjas And Trained Experienced Experts and Safety, are known for their meticulous attention to detail and implementation of overzealous safety precautions. Their missions often take longer and require more manpower than the SEALS, but the results are often perfection.

"The SEALs are good," said retired General Norman Schwarzkopf, who led the U.S. forces during the first Gulf War in the early 1990's, "but if I had to choose one group to get me out of trouble in a hostile environment, I'd have to go with the M.A.N.A.T.E.E.S. I don't mean any disrespect to the SEALs. Those M.A.N.A.T.E.E.S. sure can take there time and complete a mission within an inch of a dime."

The M.A.N.A.T.E.E.S. have slowly started to open up about being passed over for the "mission of a lifetime." Several members have taken a leave of absence, while others have used the press to air their grievances with Lt. Campbell and the SEALs.

"I don't want to be a sore loser, but we should have been the ones to go," said one M.A.N.A.T.E.E.S. who only identified himself as Sgt. Ass-kicking. "We would have completed the mission and returned ... most likely in a day or two. But, we would have brought back all of the helicopters. So ..."

"We're just much more laid-back about the missions than the SEALs," said Third Lt. M.A.N.A.T.E.E.S. Carl Rendt. "We take our time, but it pays off in the end. We just kind of chill out on our tasks. What's the rush, dude? I'm upset because we also got passed over to rescue the ship captain that was captured by the Somali pirates last year. That should have been us, too."

Other members of the group half-heartedly backed Campbell's enormously tough decision.

"Although I feel that Campbell really screwed us over, I feel like he made the right decision," said another M.A.N.A.T.E.E.S. who offered the comment on condition of anonymity. "We like to set up shop and really take our time. We probably would have had a little cookout in the compound courtyard before leaving. And this seemed like a mission for a quick-strike team, even though their mistakes were numerous. I wrote them all down."

What were railroad workers hiding in famous photo of Transcontinental Railroad completion?

Promontory Summit, UT--Today marks the 142nd anniversary of the completion of the Transcontinental Railroad across the United States of America, uniting two vastly different coasts by way of the Manifest Destiny Express.

At 3:42 pm local time on May 10, 1869, Harold Trumbill, chief civil engineer of the Pacific and Illinois Union Railroad, raised a rusty, weathered 22-pound sledge hammer high above his perspiration-covered head. Two seconds later, after yelling, 'Long live PIUR,' drove a 94-carat golden railroad spike into a tar-coated railroad tie marking the completion of the cross-country track. This is how most history books describe it.

After this last spike was driven home, the workers, some laying track from the west and some from the east, paused and gathered on the locomotives that had been following the construction with necessary supplies, took the now-famous photo from this small Utah town (pictured above).

Two weeks ago, historian Lake Donovan, author of Transcontinental Railroad: I'm not Buying It, uncovered a photo (below) showing an alignment problem with the famous tracks that has challenged the timely completion of the railroad and sent shock waves through the railroad history world.

"I was doing some research for another book due out this summer, called Transcontinental Railroad: Really? A Railroad Across the Whole Country? C'mon!, when I came across a photo (below) that was labeled on the back: 1869 miscue, Promontory Summit, May 10, do not show to anyone ... ever. Trumbill."

If the photo is authentic, and Donovan assures his critics there is no reason to believe it is not, it would explain why Trumbill, a perfectionist in every sense of the word, delayed the official opening of the railway for another two months.

"There is correspondence between Trumbill and Pacific and Illinois Union executives that question why locomotives were unable to pass," explained Donovan. "Trumbill didn't let trains use the tracks for for nearly eight weeks after the famous group photo was taken."

One of these letters, dated May 25, 1869, from Jedington Smithright, vice president of PIUR, read:

Dear Mr Trumbill,

I hope the Utah territory has welcomed you openly. I trust that you can find a decent tavern in the place. I write today to confirm that I received your daguerreotype of the completion of the railroad that has united our great country. Only a handful of years ago, we were split by a terrible war, brothers fighting brothers, fathers fighting sons, sons very upset when fathers shot them. This is a monumental symbol for our fragile and rebuilding emotional state. I ask now why construction continues when the photo you sent has clearly indicated the two sides, east and west, have met in Promontory Summit? I have attempted to travel by rail to Utah from our office in East St. Louis, but have been informed by rail workers that the route is impassible and that this is a direct order from you. Please, explain yourself my friend.
Jedington Smithright, Vice President

A letter from Trumbill to his wife Agitheena, if authentic, may support Donovan's photo discovery. It reads:

Dear my dearest Agitheena,

How I miss you dearly my lovely. I hope the rumors of you marrying Mr. Gordon Thomas Livingston are just that ... rumors. Despite the photo of our gallant railroad workers celebrating the completion of the railroad, which I am assured has reached New York, I have made a maddening, erroneous calculation. The great tracks coming from the east and the west did not successfully meet. I had the workers gather tightly for the photo so to cover up the unfortunate debacle. It was really just a simple mathematical mistake, carrying the one when I should have carried a two, or a three, I think. Please, pray for me.
Your loving husband (or ex-husband),
Harold Trumbill, Chief Engineer, Pacific and Illinois Union Railroad

Trumbill was eventually removed from his position at PIUR two days before the first locomotive passed over the golden spike in the Utah Territory. Company executives never discovered that the chief engineer had drastically miscalculated the track alignment and dismissed the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute graduate on "unquestionable grounds of insanity."Above: The first attempt at the Transcontinental Railroad was slightly off, according to a recently uncovered photograph by historian Lake Donovan.

Request by Derby security for fan to turn lewd hat inside out only worsened situation

White House mum on why Hulk Hogan was in Situation Room during bin Laden raid

Washington, DC--White House officials are not discussing the reasons behind the presence of former WWF wrestler Hulk Hogan in the Situation Room during the highly secretive raid of terrorist Osama bin Laden's compound in Pakistan on Sunday. The American people and the media can only speculate that he had some hand in the operation, or, more likely, was there to give the elite audience a pep talk before, during and after watching the mission unfold before them in real time via satellite. Did he talk during the entire raid? Did he give his signature do-rag away after the raid was all over and deemed a success? Did he frantically look around the room for a top rope after the news broke only to be thoroughly disappointed there was no ring? Or, did he just stand there, silent, thinking, 'Why the hell am I wearing sunglasses indoors?' These are questions we may never know the answer to. But, we do know that the Hulkster is a true American. Thank you, Mr Hogan ... thanks, a lot.

Bin Laden raid: For security reasons, White House told Biden that staff was previewing new episode of 'CSI: Miami'

U.S. Military: Google maps, street view played huge role in locating bin Laden

Islamabad, Pakistan--A day after a U.S. military operation killed the most sought-after terrorist in the world those involved in the intricate coordination of the secret mission say maps and images that civilians use daily were the difference maker. "If I wasn't able to access google maps and then street view there's no way that we would have been able to virtually tour through the seedy streets of Islamabad and its seedier outskirts. We've been clicking, dragging, scrolling and zooming for the last several years and then, finally, I panned the view around to look at the buildings along one particular road and boom ... the bin Laden compound," said Lt. Francis L. Halsen, commander of the raid. "Google had blurred out many of the faces near the compound, but under a military request provided the non-blurred images and the rest, as they say, is history."

150th Anniversary: Remembering the Canadian Civil War

When the Manitoban Navy sailed up the Severn River in northern Ontario, via Hudson Bay, and bombarded a lightly-defended Fort Severn with 24 hours of nonstop cannon fire on April 12, 1861, the Canadian Civil War had begun.

For years tensions between the adjoining provinces had grown over what appeared to be an innocent, lighthearted border dispute. ("Good sir, your border is ten meters off, I declare, eh?") Then, the underlying reasons surfaced: Ontario, in 1851, had passed a law limiting the alcoholic strength of its beer to 19 percent. The national government, with unequal representation from the heavily populated Ontario, and, impressed with the province's bold leadership, considered passing the same law for the entire nation. Tensions soon mounted.

After the shelling of the fort, Manitoba soldiers raised the rebel flag--red and white with a green oak leaf, not the famous, red maple leaf. This was a true declaration of secession.

Above: The oak leaf became the uniting symbol of western Canada during the Canadian Civil War. The oak tree, not the maple, is more commonly found in the west and appeared on the rebel flag.

"The oak leaf became the rallying cry for the West," said Fritz O'Leary, a history professor and award-winning author from Winnipeg Tech University. "From Winnipeg to Vancouver, the oak tree is king. The maple is more indigenous to eastern Canada."

Alberta, British Columbia, Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Nunavut, Yukon and the Northwest Territory (all four residents) united to form the West and believed that beer should have a higher alcoholic content than a "measly 19 percent." Though Quebec and the Atlantic provinces threatened secession, ultimately they remained with Ontario as part of Canada.

"Quebec's rallying cry became: 'La fistico viva a Canada pronte, la negotia concerne la biere later.' Which roughly translates to: 'Fight for Canada's life now, negotiate the concerns for beer later,'" said Don Gierre, an adjunct professor from Montreal Agriculture and Mining College. "And the fighting?... It was nasty, eh."

The battle of Tierra del Fuego was the bloodiest of all the war. The British Columbian navy, along with the Canadian navy each unknowingly formulated the same plans for a sneak attack. Sail south around the tip of South America and up the respective coasts to the intended place of bombardment. However, the two sides accidentally met at the tip--Tierra del Fuego, Argentina--and locked into combat for ten bloody days.


A rebel's letter home to Vancouver recalls the scene:

"Evelyn, I hope this letter finds you well. We suffered heavy losses today, my dear. I took a wound to the shoulder, nothing a sip of 35 percent alcohol beer couldn't mend. They are calling it the Battle of Tierra del Fuego. I bless the day we leave this wretched place. The sea was stained red with the blood of British Columbians and Canadians, swirling and swishing with the abnormally high and low tides. Have the children been skating daily, eh? How is little Tommy's slap shot coming? They must skate everyday like we discussed during my departure. Your loving husband, Ltn. Carl S, eh."

On April 9, 1865, Canadian troops captured Edmonton, Alberta ending the four-year war between the East and the West. The oak leaf-adorned flags hanging from every home and business were burned in the streets by jubilant Canadian soldiers drinking ... weaker beer. The alcohol content of Canadian beer remains at 19 percent today, a fact Ontarians are extremely proud of.

Riots break out across England after bride refers to football as 'the soccer game'

FAA bans throw pillows, hypnotists, whale calling cd, hammocks, lazy boys, scented candles from air traffic control towers

Chicago, IL--The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) finally took measures to prevent air traffic controllers from falling asleep on the job. Recently, several airline pilots lost contact with control towers due the deep slumber of several veteran controllers. The agency began an investigation last week. "We were shocked at what we found in some of these air traffic control towers," said Kevin Braston, an FAA official. "How can these people stay awake with leather recliners, soothing hammocks, glowing candles, soft throw pillows and hanging hideaways? And, the kicker, hypnotists would regularly pay visits to these towers with the sounds of whale calling in the background. Passengers lives are at stake here. This is unacceptable." The agency banned all of the above items (and people) from the towers, but, at the urging of controllers, said that playing cd's with sounds of waves crashing on the beach would be okay.

Bonsai tree cell phone towers improving neighborhood's aesthetics, not cell coverage

Philadelphia, PA--T-Mobile, after a recent poor showing in Consumer Reports, promised local customers they would improve their cell coverage over the area by "any means necessary." The German-based communications company--known in Deutschland as Das Telefonica--answered with, what some are calling, a hilarious new technology that has been largely ineffective: bonsai cell phone towers. "They look like real bonsai trees, same size, but I still don't get very good mobile coverage," said Tim Hanover, 47, of Southwark. "There may be bonsai in more places, but not bars in more places." Others are not so quick to dismiss the new technology. "They work. They work just fine," said Heather Bendnt, a Pennsport resident, about the small, metal and plastic trees. "You just have to be standing right next to them or, in some cases, put your face right into the heart of the tree ... while talking. And then I just want to start clipping them and grooming them. It's not fair."

MLB investigating how long Ramirez used giant 'syringe bat'

J.Crew launches new Casual Floodwear clothing line

Clothing company J.Crew took a blind leap with their latest apparel line and CEO Tyler Wilkinson will be the first to admit it. "It's a risky move, but studies have shown that the more urban our environment becomes--growing impermeable surfaces: more asphalt, more concrete--the more flooding we will experience. J.Crew wants to capitalize on this growing trend that also has links to global warming."

What is the new line trying to accomplish? "The clothing line says, 'Yeah, there's a flood, but I'm not bothered by it. Just look at how calm I am in my new Receding Water Chinos,'" said Jon Weller, J. Crew's head of marketing. "These are clothes that I would personally wear in a flood situation."

"The casual floodwear really projects a steady-as-a-rock attitude in the heat of potential catastrophe that says, "What y'all worried about, that river ain't risin'. And, make sure you get all that sand off the outside of the sandbag before you go and hand me that thing. Have you lost your mind? What's all the fuss and rushing around about? Relax, the sandbag dam will be built.'"

Look for the new line in stores now, which includes, Sandbag Sleeveless t-shirts (made from real sandbags), River Crest Cargo Shorts, Receding Water Chinos, Relaxed-fit Shovel-that-Sand Jeans and much, much more.

Cleveland accuses LeBron's on-court security guard of setting illegal picks during game

Tsunami-ravaged town resident still can't believe he left car windows down that afternoon

Blanton included on Sports Illustrated cover with Phillies' Big Four ... well, sort of

The Phillies intimidating pitching staff made this season's Sports Illustrated baseball preview issue, which was released earlier this week. One of the staff members, however, is blatantly (or Blantonly) covered up by the title of the periodical and this snub, consequently, has the club, league and many fans irate.

Sports Illustrated contacted the team several months ago about including 'The Big Four'--Halladay, Lee, Oswalt and Hamels--on the cover of the popular magazine, but the team, and the pitchers, would only agree to take part if the fifth starter, Joe Blanton, was also included. SI at first hesitated then agreed, but remained quiet about how the final image would appear despite multiple inquiries from the team, including president David Montgomery and general manager Ruben Amaro Jr.

"This is egregious," said Amaro, visibly shaking with anger about the Blanton cover-up. "They were purposely vague and deliberately misguiding about the photo shoot and Joe's role in the final presentation. I sent some really harsh texts messages to those guys at SI. Texts that I can't share with the [press]."

"Oh, I'm used to it by now," said Blanton, about often being left out when the conversation turns to the Phillies starting pitching. "I'm thrilled that my body from the neck down made the cover of SI. It's really a dream come true and my whole family is ecstatic. I'm serious."

Despite the apparent laid-back nature of Blanton, his teammates are trying to soften the blow. "We've been teasing Joe ever since the issue came out," said fan favorite Cliff Lee. "You know, saying that it was a blessing that they covered that ugly mug of his up. Or, asking him why he didn't speak up when the photographer lowered the Sports Illustrated sign in front of his face during the shoot."

Early on Friday, before the opening day game against the Houston Astros, several Phillies, led by Ryan Howard, shoved a shaving cream pie into the face of an unsuspecting Blanton as a lighthearted prank, one that is extremely popular among MLB players. "Nothing gets a teammate to smile like a pie in the face," said first baseman Ryan Howard, stressing that the team has genuinely rallied around Blanton. "Although, I should have collaborated more with the guys because Joe got, like, three pies in the face on Friday morning. That wasn't good."

SI released this statement concerning the cover and a response to Amaro's comments: "The most recent issue of Sports Illustrated features the Philadelphia Phillies starting pitching staff on the cover. However, on page 27 of the issue we misspelled the last name of Luke Gregerson, a relief pitcher for the San Diego Padres. We spelled Gregerson with three e's. That is absolutely not SI quality and we apologize to our readers."

Local sports columnist ready if, when Phillies' powerful rotation falters this season

Norristown, PA--Last season, the Phillies three-headed ace monster, made up of Cole Hammels, Roy Halladay and Roy Oswalt, spawned the nickname H2O.

Fans would often yell to brave Citizens Bank Park visitors with opposing team's jerseys, "Yo, your batter may be on fire right now, but we got water. That's right, H2O, baby." This was often followed by high fives, spilled beer and another walk to the concession stand on Dollar Dog Night--there's a four dog limit per trip.

With the addition--and return--of fan favorite Cliff Lee fans, columnists, bloggers, sports anchors and reporters sought the perfect nickname for this year's improved and potentially dominating rotation.

However, one local sports writer, was looking for a different name for the five starters, one that could be used in case the all-star pitching staff fell flat on its face. What did he come up with? H2BLO! (H)alladay, (H)ammels, (B)lanton, (L)ee, (O)swalt.

"I thought of it the other night," said Devin Bronson, a sports columnist for the BucksMontChesDel Daily Times, a bi-weekly newspaper (some say pamphlet) distributed to residents of Philadelphia's Pennsylvania suburban counties. "I really nailed it, I think. You know, like, saying that something really blows, that it's terrible. H2BLO. Even if two of the five pitchers screw up this year, not including Blanton, I'm going to break out the nickname. Oh, yeah, it's mine."

Bronson mentioned that he may alter the name to include Brad Lidge if the closer "goes to hell again," by adding the 'B' from his first name: H2BLOB. The writer said that a blob reference would be "a real insult" to the staff and that the movie The Blob was filmed in Phoenixville, PA, so there is a local connection, as well.

"He thought about doing H2BL2O, but it didn't have that certain ring to it. Then he even considered H2B2LO," said Bronson's editor, Sarah Cartwright. "I was like a big N-O. No!"

The writer has already struck a deal with a Queens, New York screen printing company that would sell a t-shirt version of the nickname to Mets fans.

"Listen, I'm a diehard Phillies fan but this is gold," said Bronson, who expects to hear the wrath of fans when and if he publishes the nickname in an article. "I genuinely hope that I don't get to use the nickname this season, honestly. I mean, I've ordered 100,000 H2BLO bumper stickers, refrigerator magnets, head bands, wrist bands and match books, but I really hope they end up collecting dust on my basement shelf."

Bronson said that even if the Phillies staff overwhelms batters this season, which is most likely the case, he could still use the name if all of the pitchers were, god forbid, linked to cocaine in some fashion. But, that "it would have to be all of them."

ESPN.com apologizes for running front page story about cricket, claims website was hacked

Bristol, CT--The calls came pouring into the ESPN studios early this morning in record numbers. (No, there was no Brett Favre story.) So many, in fact, that the network's high-tech phone system was overwhelmed and had to be shut down for nearly three hours. They were calling regarding a front page story about cricket.

"Most people were calling in and asking, 'What is that guy holding on the ESPN website? It's certainly not a baseball bat.' Or, 'What is he looking at? Is he looking at a football in the air? If I click on it, will take me to my NCAA bracket?'" said Tamila Bauer, an ESPN call center representative. "They wanted to know if ESPN.com was sold to another planet or something. And they also wanted to know if this cricket was affiliated in any way with the cell phone company."

ESPN, the self-proclaimed Worldwide Leader in Sports, reported their popular website was hacked into just after 4 am eastern standard time.

"We apologize to all of our viewers and readers for the image and story that appeared on ESPN.com's front page early this morning," said Gary Arnet, head of the network's online content. "We take every precaution imaginable in an effort to prevent our computer systems from being compromised. Seriously, we have, like, all the firewall stuff. We are still unsure ourselves of what the image was, but it is unacceptable to our loyal followers. It is possible that the image was of an ice hockey player holding some sort of new stick."

Rogue UPenn surgeon feels Utley could thrive without right knee; says, to 'please, trust me'

False alarm: Elizabeth's tailor passes away, actress doing 'just fine'

Hollywood, CA--Hans Rutherford, 79, was Elizabeth Taylor's tailor for nearly 45 years. Yesterday, the "tailor of the stars" finally lost his battle with whatever it was that he was battling. Rutherford became synonymous with Taylor and eventually became know as Elizabeth's Tailor. Where Taylor went, so too did Elizabeth's Tailor: New York, Milan, Paris, Burbank or Palm Springs. Dresses, costumes, hats and alterations, he did it all and was at her beck and call. There was much confusion, however, with the announcement of the death of Elizabeth's Tailor. The Taylor family apologizes for any misunderstanding with the health of Elizabeth Taylor. "Taylor and Tailor sound exactly alike," said Ben Taylor, Elizabeth's son. "There's no audible difference. That was my mistake. He was like a father to me, that was really good with scissors and cloth."

Study: Fraggle Rock responsible for '80s children love affair with fracking

Above: A scene from the children's television program Fraggle Rock, which ran on HBO from 1983 to 1987. The Muppet-like puppet characters, who lived in caves, would often explain the process of hydraulic fracturing, or fracking, during episodes using a model well positioned on the set.

One episode had a puppet break the process down for the young audience: "And then boys and girls, hundreds of perfectly safe toxic chemicals are injected into the ground to help energy escape to the surface. Energy that will help make your toys and popsicles and A-Team big wheels. And, no matter what you hear boys and girls, the water is safe to drink. But don't play with the flames that come out of the faucet, don't ever play with those flames. Fraggle Rock will be right back after a message from our Fraggly friends at Halliburton."

"As it turns out, Jim Henson, the show's creator, was reportedly on the payroll of Halliburton, a leader in fracking," said Josh Fox, star and creator of the Oscar-nominated documentary Gasland. "Fraggle Rock was just a way to promote fracking to children. When I was little the puppets came to my school and put a show on called Fracking Rock. I wish I knew all this before the movie came out."

Cooper-Sinclair, and independent research firm, recently released a study showing that adults 33 to 38 absolutely "love" hydraulic fracturing, a process that releases natural gas from rock formations such as marcellus shale.

"I don't know what it is," said Gail Bauer, 36, of Wellsboro, PA. "I know fracking is bad for humans and the environment, but I love it. I absolutely love fracking. There, I said it, I love fracking ... and Fraggle Rock."

Cooper-Sinclair also reported that natural gas company executives pushing the controversial process nationwide fall within this age group and have Fraggle puppets in their offices.

Ray Romano excited about third season playing Stevie Janowski in HBO's Eastbound and Down

Above: Ray Romano stars as Stevie Janowski in Eastbound and Down during the first season of the hit HBO show produced by Will Ferrel. "It's tough doing Men of a Certain Age and Eastbound at the same time, but it's what I love to do," said the former star of Everybody Loves Raymond. "I've really loved my first two years as Stevie on the show and I can't wait 'til the third."

Pre-playoff Stanley Cup world tour continues: Papua New Guinea villagers, like many Americans, unsure about hockey

Mutam, Papua New Guinea--The NHL's regular season stretch drive is upon us and in preparation for the playoffs the league decided to give a passport, some spending money and an around-the-world airline ticket to the most treasured and symbolic trophy in North American professional sports in an effort to improve--if possible--upon last year's strong post-season television ratings.

"Last year, the ratings were fantastic, but we wanted to build on that," said Vince Bollard, NHL director of television relations. "The Finals featured one great hockey town, Philadelphia, but two great sports cities with Chicago. It was nice to have the big market teams battling for the Cup, but we want to expand our market globally and we think we're headed in the right direction with this tour."

Mike Bolt (pictured holding the Cup above), one of the keepers of the storied trophy, went along for the global trek to keep a close eye and act as an ambassador for the game. The schedule has the Cup returning to the North America by mid-April in time for the playoffs, but not before stopovers in the Galopogos Islands, Fiji, the Maldives, Papua New Guinea, New Caledonia, Timor and Brunei, to name a few.
"The trip has been great," said Bolt, grinning through the oppressive humidity and perspiration dripping from his forehead, saturating his freshly pressed suit and trademark white gloves as he waited to depart New Guinea's Jacksons International Airport. "Papua New Guinea has been an interesting adventure and I think we may have some new fans tuning into the game next month. I think the Cup struck a chord with these villagers."

Bolt and the Cup arrived in Mutam, a village of forty-three that faces frequent power supply interruptions and where the average worker takes home $2 per day, on Tuesday to a crowd of three. Just three. Not three hundred or, even, thirty. Just three.

"We took Stanley into a traditional New Guinea living quarters," said an excited Bolt. "They were not really sure what to make of the silver guy. At first, they were frightened. I told them to not be scared and told them they could win the Cup one day."

The visit to this rural community was arranged by the NHL several months ago as part of a carefully planned out travel itinerary that would yield the "highest volume of new fans and have potential as a possible future talent pool." But the contact person, the community's mayor equivalent, had traveled to Port Moresby, the country's capital, on official business. Essentially, the league arrived in this village on the other side of the world with no connections.
"The residents really had no warning that we were coming because apparently the mayor was waiting until our actual arrival to break the news," said Bollard, rolling his eyes and hinting that the community's leader may be sporting new sneakers when he returns.

The four men and two women representing the league, despite losing their "in" with the village, attempted to organize a pickup street hockey game with the villagers using sticks shipped two weeks earlier, where only ten of fifty could be accounted for, and a whiffle ball.

As the residents, one by one, began to lose interest in the game they turned their attention to gathering supplies for a weekly fishing expidtion along the shallow inland marsh waters on the southern coast of this nation of nearly seven million. The ambassadors were determined to go along for the trip and, when the locals refused, citing dangerous conditions on narrow, hollowed-out boats, the NHL strongly suggested they go along for the ride.

"The canoes were very unstable, but they told me that I could not sit down and that by doing so would jeopardize the entire hunt," said Bolt. "But I got used to standing really fast. I mean, real fast. There was a snake right in front of me."

The league feels that, despite the low interest in hockey in New Guinea, thus far the trip has been a success. The NFL held a fairly successful tryout last year in Port Moresby signing two players and the NHL plans to do the same in fifteen years after the game "catches on a bit."

"Would I schedule a visit to Mutam again?" asked Bollard. "Absolutely, but I would pay the mayor half the guide fee in the beginning and half at the end, instead of paying all of it before we even arrived."

New interpretive signs along Schuylkill Banks tell of the river's rich history

Above: One of seven interpretive signs recently installed along the river in Schuylkill Banks. It reads:

SCHUYLKILL RIVER CLOSE TO BEING NAMED SUSQUEHANNA

An exhausted Theodore Susquehanna sailed up the Schuylkill River in 1679.
He was looking for any river that was unnamed in the Colonies. "You there,
child," he called to a young boy alnog the banks. "Does this river have a name?"
The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Yes, it does."

"Dammit!" shouted Susquehanna. "Pull up the anchors, we're headed south.
I'm tired of this crappe. We're going to Baltimore to visit Stevie Chesapeake,
he'll know what to do. And by god where is that crumpet I asked for!"

Several NFL owners spotted at Van's lock store

Is the U.S. prepared for latest European craze: Treadmill Rollerblading?

Galvinshire, England--Those of us that drive small cars can thank Europe. Those of us that tight rolled our jeans can thank Europe (specifically, Estonia). We can thank Europe for soccer (well ... maybe not thank), cricket, french fries, Belgrade waffles and Adidas tracksuits. From across the pond these fads, foods and free time fillers have made themselves comfortable in America.

Well, we're about to welcome, or turn away, another. Fitness centers all over the country and Canada are preparing for one more invasion: treadmill rollerblading. Yep, treadmill rollerblading.

"It's exactly how it sounds," said Gunther Bjourn, the owner of Get Stocky, Holmes, a fitness center in Stockholm, Sweden. "Throw on some skates and jump onto a treadmill and just sort of kick back and enjoy the ride. It's an unbelievable workout. I like to set the treadmill on the fastest speed. I wouldn't do that if I was doing regular old running, no way."

Grabbing a pair of inline skates and heading to the gym is so popular throughout Europe right now that space designated for free weights, Nautilus, yoga, hurling warm up, curling warm up and aerobics have been converted to enormous treadmill zones. It is such a phenomenon that warmer cities like Seville, Malaga, Cadiz, Naples, Palma and Palermo, have set up treadmills in local parks so that enthusiasts can enjoy the outdoors while rollerblading on the normally indoor exercise equipment.

"Treadmill rollerblading is the hottest thing in Europe right now," said Danielle Stevens, editor of European Style Magazine and resident of Paris. "Like most of these crazes it started in a small town outside of Nice, France and has spread across the continent and into northern Africa."

Parkour, the ultra-popular urban running, balancing and jumping "sport," also got its start in France, but never quite caught on in the U.S. Can parkour forecast treadmill rollerblading's success or failure?

"I don't know," responded Gale Marks, 43, of Providence, RI, when asked if she would ride a treadmill wearing rollerblades. "It sounds a bit dangerous to be honest. But if everyone was doing it ... especially, Europe ... well, then..."

"You just blew my mind, dude. Looks freakin' rad," said Connor Swill, 22, of Long Beach, CA, a professional skateboarder, after shown a picture of professional treadmill rollerblader Jaque La Gerrier. "You sure it didn't start in SoCal? Usually all these things kick off in California."

U.S. Senators and Representatives have been praising the new activity's potential with obese children in this country. Some elected officials are calling for the federal government to subsidize treadmills and inline skates to assist in ending sedentary lifestyles in our nation's young people.

"Treadmill rollerblading, I firmly believe, will get children in this country active again," said Senator Max Burton of Idaho. "Get out from behind those tv's and video games, grab a pair of rollerblades, purchase a federally subsidized treadmill and start roller-treading. I just made that term up now. Yeah, roller-treading."

"It makes me want to be real active again," said Toby Harrison, 10, of Los Angeles, CA. "I like to put [the treadmill] on the steepest incline and just go ... for hours. You really have to pay attention. I can still watch tv and the cup holder is perfect for Twinkies and m&m's, but not the peanut kind. You'll never catch me eating peanut m&m's."