A satirical look at the Philadelphia region and beyond. (All stories are fabricated, with no basis on fact.)
Friday, May 29, 2009
Canada's largest territory awaits word on NHL franchise
The NHL's Phoenix Coyotes are in danger of moving from the Valley of the Sun to the Valley of the Nun. Nunavut that is. Nunavut is Canada's largest territory or province and is bordered to the west by the Northwest Territories, Manitoba Province and Hudson Bay to the south and numerous waterways to the east and north.
"When Hudson Bay is to the south you know you are almost as far north as you can go," said Nunavut resident Julie Bernstein, 56.
Specifically, the bankrupt team could wind up in the capital of this wild landscape—Iqaluit. The city sits on Forbisher Bay and, though it was originally founded as an American military base, has become known as the largest exporter of ice in the world. For eleven months of the year 8 of the world's 10 largest ice exporting companies ship frozen water all over the globe.
Iqaluit is overflowing with ice money and billionaire David Brennen, CEO of Fro-Zen Master, Inc. and its 500 employees, is leading the investment team that will bring the Coyotes to Nunavut.
"I sold ice cubes as a boy here then I carved figurines from the cubes," said the gregarious Brennan. "That's how I started out."
To become home to an NHL franchise the league requires that an arena with at least 17,000 seats must already exist or be under construction. Iqaluit city officials say that constructing the stadium is not a problem, but filling could be.
"The city has roughly 6,000 people, but that won't stop us from welcoming a team. There may be a lot of empty seats but we'll be loud," said Iqaluit mayor Jim Billingsly.
It is expected that with so much corporate ice money in this hockey-crazed city that most fans will watch games from the arena's luxury boxes.
With only a small local airport visiting teams would have to be brought in by ice road truckers—truck drivers who literally ride on roads of ice—from Quebec Province. (The History Channel is salivating from possible future episodes.) NHL officials foresee no problems transporting players on a 9-hour drive over unstable ice shelves.
"It's safe," said the mayor. "To give you an idea of how cold it is here, and thus, how hard the ice is, we vacation to Quebec City in February to escape the cold. It is [Quebec City] our Florida."
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Yesterday, in downtown Phoenix, AZ, angry Coyote fans held up signs reading, "We'll have None-avut." The group asked passing cars to honk if they wanted the Coyotes to remain in Arizona.
"There were an awful lot of beeping," said Susan Tuffnil, 38, of Glendale, AZ. "I lost count after 20 or so. And they were the good kind of beeps."
The NHL expects to decide by the end of June on the status of the franchise formerly known as the Winnipeg Jets. What will the new name of the team be you ask? The Nunavut Ice, of course.
"We chose Nunavut in hopes that all of the territory's 30,000 residents will get behind the team," said Brennan.
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