150th Anniversary: Remembering the Canadian Civil War

When the Manitoban Navy sailed up the Severn River in northern Ontario, via Hudson Bay, and bombarded a lightly-defended Fort Severn with 24 hours of nonstop cannon fire on April 12, 1861, the Canadian Civil War had begun.

For years tensions between the adjoining provinces had grown over what appeared to be an innocent, lighthearted border dispute. ("Good sir, your border is ten meters off, I declare, eh?") Then, the underlying reasons surfaced: Ontario, in 1851, had passed a law limiting the alcoholic strength of its beer to 19 percent. The national government, with unequal representation from the heavily populated Ontario, and, impressed with the province's bold leadership, considered passing the same law for the entire nation. Tensions soon mounted.

After the shelling of the fort, Manitoba soldiers raised the rebel flag--red and white with a green oak leaf, not the famous, red maple leaf. This was a true declaration of secession.

Above: The oak leaf became the uniting symbol of western Canada during the Canadian Civil War. The oak tree, not the maple, is more commonly found in the west and appeared on the rebel flag.

"The oak leaf became the rallying cry for the West," said Fritz O'Leary, a history professor and award-winning author from Winnipeg Tech University. "From Winnipeg to Vancouver, the oak tree is king. The maple is more indigenous to eastern Canada."

Alberta, British Columbia, Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Nunavut, Yukon and the Northwest Territory (all four residents) united to form the West and believed that beer should have a higher alcoholic content than a "measly 19 percent." Though Quebec and the Atlantic provinces threatened secession, ultimately they remained with Ontario as part of Canada.

"Quebec's rallying cry became: 'La fistico viva a Canada pronte, la negotia concerne la biere later.' Which roughly translates to: 'Fight for Canada's life now, negotiate the concerns for beer later,'" said Don Gierre, an adjunct professor from Montreal Agriculture and Mining College. "And the fighting?... It was nasty, eh."

The battle of Tierra del Fuego was the bloodiest of all the war. The British Columbian navy, along with the Canadian navy each unknowingly formulated the same plans for a sneak attack. Sail south around the tip of South America and up the respective coasts to the intended place of bombardment. However, the two sides accidentally met at the tip--Tierra del Fuego, Argentina--and locked into combat for ten bloody days.


A rebel's letter home to Vancouver recalls the scene:

"Evelyn, I hope this letter finds you well. We suffered heavy losses today, my dear. I took a wound to the shoulder, nothing a sip of 35 percent alcohol beer couldn't mend. They are calling it the Battle of Tierra del Fuego. I bless the day we leave this wretched place. The sea was stained red with the blood of British Columbians and Canadians, swirling and swishing with the abnormally high and low tides. Have the children been skating daily, eh? How is little Tommy's slap shot coming? They must skate everyday like we discussed during my departure. Your loving husband, Ltn. Carl S, eh."

On April 9, 1865, Canadian troops captured Edmonton, Alberta ending the four-year war between the East and the West. The oak leaf-adorned flags hanging from every home and business were burned in the streets by jubilant Canadian soldiers drinking ... weaker beer. The alcohol content of Canadian beer remains at 19 percent today, a fact Ontarians are extremely proud of.

Riots break out across England after bride refers to football as 'the soccer game'

FAA bans throw pillows, hypnotists, whale calling cd, hammocks, lazy boys, scented candles from air traffic control towers

Chicago, IL--The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) finally took measures to prevent air traffic controllers from falling asleep on the job. Recently, several airline pilots lost contact with control towers due the deep slumber of several veteran controllers. The agency began an investigation last week. "We were shocked at what we found in some of these air traffic control towers," said Kevin Braston, an FAA official. "How can these people stay awake with leather recliners, soothing hammocks, glowing candles, soft throw pillows and hanging hideaways? And, the kicker, hypnotists would regularly pay visits to these towers with the sounds of whale calling in the background. Passengers lives are at stake here. This is unacceptable." The agency banned all of the above items (and people) from the towers, but, at the urging of controllers, said that playing cd's with sounds of waves crashing on the beach would be okay.

Bonsai tree cell phone towers improving neighborhood's aesthetics, not cell coverage

Philadelphia, PA--T-Mobile, after a recent poor showing in Consumer Reports, promised local customers they would improve their cell coverage over the area by "any means necessary." The German-based communications company--known in Deutschland as Das Telefonica--answered with, what some are calling, a hilarious new technology that has been largely ineffective: bonsai cell phone towers. "They look like real bonsai trees, same size, but I still don't get very good mobile coverage," said Tim Hanover, 47, of Southwark. "There may be bonsai in more places, but not bars in more places." Others are not so quick to dismiss the new technology. "They work. They work just fine," said Heather Bendnt, a Pennsport resident, about the small, metal and plastic trees. "You just have to be standing right next to them or, in some cases, put your face right into the heart of the tree ... while talking. And then I just want to start clipping them and grooming them. It's not fair."

MLB investigating how long Ramirez used giant 'syringe bat'

J.Crew launches new Casual Floodwear clothing line

Clothing company J.Crew took a blind leap with their latest apparel line and CEO Tyler Wilkinson will be the first to admit it. "It's a risky move, but studies have shown that the more urban our environment becomes--growing impermeable surfaces: more asphalt, more concrete--the more flooding we will experience. J.Crew wants to capitalize on this growing trend that also has links to global warming."

What is the new line trying to accomplish? "The clothing line says, 'Yeah, there's a flood, but I'm not bothered by it. Just look at how calm I am in my new Receding Water Chinos,'" said Jon Weller, J. Crew's head of marketing. "These are clothes that I would personally wear in a flood situation."

"The casual floodwear really projects a steady-as-a-rock attitude in the heat of potential catastrophe that says, "What y'all worried about, that river ain't risin'. And, make sure you get all that sand off the outside of the sandbag before you go and hand me that thing. Have you lost your mind? What's all the fuss and rushing around about? Relax, the sandbag dam will be built.'"

Look for the new line in stores now, which includes, Sandbag Sleeveless t-shirts (made from real sandbags), River Crest Cargo Shorts, Receding Water Chinos, Relaxed-fit Shovel-that-Sand Jeans and much, much more.

Cleveland accuses LeBron's on-court security guard of setting illegal picks during game

Tsunami-ravaged town resident still can't believe he left car windows down that afternoon

Blanton included on Sports Illustrated cover with Phillies' Big Four ... well, sort of

The Phillies intimidating pitching staff made this season's Sports Illustrated baseball preview issue, which was released earlier this week. One of the staff members, however, is blatantly (or Blantonly) covered up by the title of the periodical and this snub, consequently, has the club, league and many fans irate.

Sports Illustrated contacted the team several months ago about including 'The Big Four'--Halladay, Lee, Oswalt and Hamels--on the cover of the popular magazine, but the team, and the pitchers, would only agree to take part if the fifth starter, Joe Blanton, was also included. SI at first hesitated then agreed, but remained quiet about how the final image would appear despite multiple inquiries from the team, including president David Montgomery and general manager Ruben Amaro Jr.

"This is egregious," said Amaro, visibly shaking with anger about the Blanton cover-up. "They were purposely vague and deliberately misguiding about the photo shoot and Joe's role in the final presentation. I sent some really harsh texts messages to those guys at SI. Texts that I can't share with the [press]."

"Oh, I'm used to it by now," said Blanton, about often being left out when the conversation turns to the Phillies starting pitching. "I'm thrilled that my body from the neck down made the cover of SI. It's really a dream come true and my whole family is ecstatic. I'm serious."

Despite the apparent laid-back nature of Blanton, his teammates are trying to soften the blow. "We've been teasing Joe ever since the issue came out," said fan favorite Cliff Lee. "You know, saying that it was a blessing that they covered that ugly mug of his up. Or, asking him why he didn't speak up when the photographer lowered the Sports Illustrated sign in front of his face during the shoot."

Early on Friday, before the opening day game against the Houston Astros, several Phillies, led by Ryan Howard, shoved a shaving cream pie into the face of an unsuspecting Blanton as a lighthearted prank, one that is extremely popular among MLB players. "Nothing gets a teammate to smile like a pie in the face," said first baseman Ryan Howard, stressing that the team has genuinely rallied around Blanton. "Although, I should have collaborated more with the guys because Joe got, like, three pies in the face on Friday morning. That wasn't good."

SI released this statement concerning the cover and a response to Amaro's comments: "The most recent issue of Sports Illustrated features the Philadelphia Phillies starting pitching staff on the cover. However, on page 27 of the issue we misspelled the last name of Luke Gregerson, a relief pitcher for the San Diego Padres. We spelled Gregerson with three e's. That is absolutely not SI quality and we apologize to our readers."

Local sports columnist ready if, when Phillies' powerful rotation falters this season

Norristown, PA--Last season, the Phillies three-headed ace monster, made up of Cole Hammels, Roy Halladay and Roy Oswalt, spawned the nickname H2O.

Fans would often yell to brave Citizens Bank Park visitors with opposing team's jerseys, "Yo, your batter may be on fire right now, but we got water. That's right, H2O, baby." This was often followed by high fives, spilled beer and another walk to the concession stand on Dollar Dog Night--there's a four dog limit per trip.

With the addition--and return--of fan favorite Cliff Lee fans, columnists, bloggers, sports anchors and reporters sought the perfect nickname for this year's improved and potentially dominating rotation.

However, one local sports writer, was looking for a different name for the five starters, one that could be used in case the all-star pitching staff fell flat on its face. What did he come up with? H2BLO! (H)alladay, (H)ammels, (B)lanton, (L)ee, (O)swalt.

"I thought of it the other night," said Devin Bronson, a sports columnist for the BucksMontChesDel Daily Times, a bi-weekly newspaper (some say pamphlet) distributed to residents of Philadelphia's Pennsylvania suburban counties. "I really nailed it, I think. You know, like, saying that something really blows, that it's terrible. H2BLO. Even if two of the five pitchers screw up this year, not including Blanton, I'm going to break out the nickname. Oh, yeah, it's mine."

Bronson mentioned that he may alter the name to include Brad Lidge if the closer "goes to hell again," by adding the 'B' from his first name: H2BLOB. The writer said that a blob reference would be "a real insult" to the staff and that the movie The Blob was filmed in Phoenixville, PA, so there is a local connection, as well.

"He thought about doing H2BL2O, but it didn't have that certain ring to it. Then he even considered H2B2LO," said Bronson's editor, Sarah Cartwright. "I was like a big N-O. No!"

The writer has already struck a deal with a Queens, New York screen printing company that would sell a t-shirt version of the nickname to Mets fans.

"Listen, I'm a diehard Phillies fan but this is gold," said Bronson, who expects to hear the wrath of fans when and if he publishes the nickname in an article. "I genuinely hope that I don't get to use the nickname this season, honestly. I mean, I've ordered 100,000 H2BLO bumper stickers, refrigerator magnets, head bands, wrist bands and match books, but I really hope they end up collecting dust on my basement shelf."

Bronson said that even if the Phillies staff overwhelms batters this season, which is most likely the case, he could still use the name if all of the pitchers were, god forbid, linked to cocaine in some fashion. But, that "it would have to be all of them."

ESPN.com apologizes for running front page story about cricket, claims website was hacked

Bristol, CT--The calls came pouring into the ESPN studios early this morning in record numbers. (No, there was no Brett Favre story.) So many, in fact, that the network's high-tech phone system was overwhelmed and had to be shut down for nearly three hours. They were calling regarding a front page story about cricket.

"Most people were calling in and asking, 'What is that guy holding on the ESPN website? It's certainly not a baseball bat.' Or, 'What is he looking at? Is he looking at a football in the air? If I click on it, will take me to my NCAA bracket?'" said Tamila Bauer, an ESPN call center representative. "They wanted to know if ESPN.com was sold to another planet or something. And they also wanted to know if this cricket was affiliated in any way with the cell phone company."

ESPN, the self-proclaimed Worldwide Leader in Sports, reported their popular website was hacked into just after 4 am eastern standard time.

"We apologize to all of our viewers and readers for the image and story that appeared on ESPN.com's front page early this morning," said Gary Arnet, head of the network's online content. "We take every precaution imaginable in an effort to prevent our computer systems from being compromised. Seriously, we have, like, all the firewall stuff. We are still unsure ourselves of what the image was, but it is unacceptable to our loyal followers. It is possible that the image was of an ice hockey player holding some sort of new stick."

Rogue UPenn surgeon feels Utley could thrive without right knee; says, to 'please, trust me'

False alarm: Elizabeth's tailor passes away, actress doing 'just fine'

Hollywood, CA--Hans Rutherford, 79, was Elizabeth Taylor's tailor for nearly 45 years. Yesterday, the "tailor of the stars" finally lost his battle with whatever it was that he was battling. Rutherford became synonymous with Taylor and eventually became know as Elizabeth's Tailor. Where Taylor went, so too did Elizabeth's Tailor: New York, Milan, Paris, Burbank or Palm Springs. Dresses, costumes, hats and alterations, he did it all and was at her beck and call. There was much confusion, however, with the announcement of the death of Elizabeth's Tailor. The Taylor family apologizes for any misunderstanding with the health of Elizabeth Taylor. "Taylor and Tailor sound exactly alike," said Ben Taylor, Elizabeth's son. "There's no audible difference. That was my mistake. He was like a father to me, that was really good with scissors and cloth."

Study: Fraggle Rock responsible for '80s children love affair with fracking

Above: A scene from the children's television program Fraggle Rock, which ran on HBO from 1983 to 1987. The Muppet-like puppet characters, who lived in caves, would often explain the process of hydraulic fracturing, or fracking, during episodes using a model well positioned on the set.

One episode had a puppet break the process down for the young audience: "And then boys and girls, hundreds of perfectly safe toxic chemicals are injected into the ground to help energy escape to the surface. Energy that will help make your toys and popsicles and A-Team big wheels. And, no matter what you hear boys and girls, the water is safe to drink. But don't play with the flames that come out of the faucet, don't ever play with those flames. Fraggle Rock will be right back after a message from our Fraggly friends at Halliburton."

"As it turns out, Jim Henson, the show's creator, was reportedly on the payroll of Halliburton, a leader in fracking," said Josh Fox, star and creator of the Oscar-nominated documentary Gasland. "Fraggle Rock was just a way to promote fracking to children. When I was little the puppets came to my school and put a show on called Fracking Rock. I wish I knew all this before the movie came out."

Cooper-Sinclair, and independent research firm, recently released a study showing that adults 33 to 38 absolutely "love" hydraulic fracturing, a process that releases natural gas from rock formations such as marcellus shale.

"I don't know what it is," said Gail Bauer, 36, of Wellsboro, PA. "I know fracking is bad for humans and the environment, but I love it. I absolutely love fracking. There, I said it, I love fracking ... and Fraggle Rock."

Cooper-Sinclair also reported that natural gas company executives pushing the controversial process nationwide fall within this age group and have Fraggle puppets in their offices.

Ray Romano excited about third season playing Stevie Janowski in HBO's Eastbound and Down

Above: Ray Romano stars as Stevie Janowski in Eastbound and Down during the first season of the hit HBO show produced by Will Ferrel. "It's tough doing Men of a Certain Age and Eastbound at the same time, but it's what I love to do," said the former star of Everybody Loves Raymond. "I've really loved my first two years as Stevie on the show and I can't wait 'til the third."

Pre-playoff Stanley Cup world tour continues: Papua New Guinea villagers, like many Americans, unsure about hockey

Mutam, Papua New Guinea--The NHL's regular season stretch drive is upon us and in preparation for the playoffs the league decided to give a passport, some spending money and an around-the-world airline ticket to the most treasured and symbolic trophy in North American professional sports in an effort to improve--if possible--upon last year's strong post-season television ratings.

"Last year, the ratings were fantastic, but we wanted to build on that," said Vince Bollard, NHL director of television relations. "The Finals featured one great hockey town, Philadelphia, but two great sports cities with Chicago. It was nice to have the big market teams battling for the Cup, but we want to expand our market globally and we think we're headed in the right direction with this tour."

Mike Bolt (pictured holding the Cup above), one of the keepers of the storied trophy, went along for the global trek to keep a close eye and act as an ambassador for the game. The schedule has the Cup returning to the North America by mid-April in time for the playoffs, but not before stopovers in the Galopogos Islands, Fiji, the Maldives, Papua New Guinea, New Caledonia, Timor and Brunei, to name a few.
"The trip has been great," said Bolt, grinning through the oppressive humidity and perspiration dripping from his forehead, saturating his freshly pressed suit and trademark white gloves as he waited to depart New Guinea's Jacksons International Airport. "Papua New Guinea has been an interesting adventure and I think we may have some new fans tuning into the game next month. I think the Cup struck a chord with these villagers."

Bolt and the Cup arrived in Mutam, a village of forty-three that faces frequent power supply interruptions and where the average worker takes home $2 per day, on Tuesday to a crowd of three. Just three. Not three hundred or, even, thirty. Just three.

"We took Stanley into a traditional New Guinea living quarters," said an excited Bolt. "They were not really sure what to make of the silver guy. At first, they were frightened. I told them to not be scared and told them they could win the Cup one day."

The visit to this rural community was arranged by the NHL several months ago as part of a carefully planned out travel itinerary that would yield the "highest volume of new fans and have potential as a possible future talent pool." But the contact person, the community's mayor equivalent, had traveled to Port Moresby, the country's capital, on official business. Essentially, the league arrived in this village on the other side of the world with no connections.
"The residents really had no warning that we were coming because apparently the mayor was waiting until our actual arrival to break the news," said Bollard, rolling his eyes and hinting that the community's leader may be sporting new sneakers when he returns.

The four men and two women representing the league, despite losing their "in" with the village, attempted to organize a pickup street hockey game with the villagers using sticks shipped two weeks earlier, where only ten of fifty could be accounted for, and a whiffle ball.

As the residents, one by one, began to lose interest in the game they turned their attention to gathering supplies for a weekly fishing expidtion along the shallow inland marsh waters on the southern coast of this nation of nearly seven million. The ambassadors were determined to go along for the trip and, when the locals refused, citing dangerous conditions on narrow, hollowed-out boats, the NHL strongly suggested they go along for the ride.

"The canoes were very unstable, but they told me that I could not sit down and that by doing so would jeopardize the entire hunt," said Bolt. "But I got used to standing really fast. I mean, real fast. There was a snake right in front of me."

The league feels that, despite the low interest in hockey in New Guinea, thus far the trip has been a success. The NFL held a fairly successful tryout last year in Port Moresby signing two players and the NHL plans to do the same in fifteen years after the game "catches on a bit."

"Would I schedule a visit to Mutam again?" asked Bollard. "Absolutely, but I would pay the mayor half the guide fee in the beginning and half at the end, instead of paying all of it before we even arrived."

New interpretive signs along Schuylkill Banks tell of the river's rich history

Above: One of seven interpretive signs recently installed along the river in Schuylkill Banks. It reads:

SCHUYLKILL RIVER CLOSE TO BEING NAMED SUSQUEHANNA

An exhausted Theodore Susquehanna sailed up the Schuylkill River in 1679.
He was looking for any river that was unnamed in the Colonies. "You there,
child," he called to a young boy alnog the banks. "Does this river have a name?"
The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Yes, it does."

"Dammit!" shouted Susquehanna. "Pull up the anchors, we're headed south.
I'm tired of this crappe. We're going to Baltimore to visit Stevie Chesapeake,
he'll know what to do. And by god where is that crumpet I asked for!"

Several NFL owners spotted at Van's lock store

Is the U.S. prepared for latest European craze: Treadmill Rollerblading?

Galvinshire, England--Those of us that drive small cars can thank Europe. Those of us that tight rolled our jeans can thank Europe (specifically, Estonia). We can thank Europe for soccer (well ... maybe not thank), cricket, french fries, Belgrade waffles and Adidas tracksuits. From across the pond these fads, foods and free time fillers have made themselves comfortable in America.

Well, we're about to welcome, or turn away, another. Fitness centers all over the country and Canada are preparing for one more invasion: treadmill rollerblading. Yep, treadmill rollerblading.

"It's exactly how it sounds," said Gunther Bjourn, the owner of Get Stocky, Holmes, a fitness center in Stockholm, Sweden. "Throw on some skates and jump onto a treadmill and just sort of kick back and enjoy the ride. It's an unbelievable workout. I like to set the treadmill on the fastest speed. I wouldn't do that if I was doing regular old running, no way."

Grabbing a pair of inline skates and heading to the gym is so popular throughout Europe right now that space designated for free weights, Nautilus, yoga, hurling warm up, curling warm up and aerobics have been converted to enormous treadmill zones. It is such a phenomenon that warmer cities like Seville, Malaga, Cadiz, Naples, Palma and Palermo, have set up treadmills in local parks so that enthusiasts can enjoy the outdoors while rollerblading on the normally indoor exercise equipment.

"Treadmill rollerblading is the hottest thing in Europe right now," said Danielle Stevens, editor of European Style Magazine and resident of Paris. "Like most of these crazes it started in a small town outside of Nice, France and has spread across the continent and into northern Africa."

Parkour, the ultra-popular urban running, balancing and jumping "sport," also got its start in France, but never quite caught on in the U.S. Can parkour forecast treadmill rollerblading's success or failure?

"I don't know," responded Gale Marks, 43, of Providence, RI, when asked if she would ride a treadmill wearing rollerblades. "It sounds a bit dangerous to be honest. But if everyone was doing it ... especially, Europe ... well, then..."

"You just blew my mind, dude. Looks freakin' rad," said Connor Swill, 22, of Long Beach, CA, a professional skateboarder, after shown a picture of professional treadmill rollerblader Jaque La Gerrier. "You sure it didn't start in SoCal? Usually all these things kick off in California."

U.S. Senators and Representatives have been praising the new activity's potential with obese children in this country. Some elected officials are calling for the federal government to subsidize treadmills and inline skates to assist in ending sedentary lifestyles in our nation's young people.

"Treadmill rollerblading, I firmly believe, will get children in this country active again," said Senator Max Burton of Idaho. "Get out from behind those tv's and video games, grab a pair of rollerblades, purchase a federally subsidized treadmill and start roller-treading. I just made that term up now. Yeah, roller-treading."

"It makes me want to be real active again," said Toby Harrison, 10, of Los Angeles, CA. "I like to put [the treadmill] on the steepest incline and just go ... for hours. You really have to pay attention. I can still watch tv and the cup holder is perfect for Twinkies and m&m's, but not the peanut kind. You'll never catch me eating peanut m&m's."

NFL Combine requires players to leap over miniature NFL combine

Above: Steve Schilling from the University of Michigan attempts to leap over a miniature NFL combine at the NFL Combine this past weekend in Indianapolis. The Combine, an annual showcase of incoming talent for scouts and coaches, concluded on Monday and league officials are calling it a huge success. "We wanted to have some fun with players this year and get them to relax a bit," said Steve Hilliard, the organizer of the combine. "We thought bringing in little combines to the Combine would achieve this. The tryouts can be a stressful time for these young athletes and we think we accomplished what we set out to accomplish." Below: Gabe Carimi of Wisconsin is unable to clear the small NFL combine, but says that overall he did well at the Combine. "When I first saw the mini NFL combines I chuckled because it reminded me of my family farm back home in northern Wisconsin," said Carimi, applying a medical wrap to the cut sustained from landing on the combine. "I used to spend hours and hours in a combine harvesting the farm's wheat. I guess my combine experience didn't help my combine experience. Thanks a lot, dad."

Corbett names himself head of DRPA, says he 'would like to see more drawbridges and stuff'

Harrisburg, PA--On Monday, Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett named himself head of the controversial Delaware River Port Authority (DRPA), the bi-state agency that operates port activity, the PATCO highspeed line and several bridges that span the river. Corbett said the agency's first order of business under his authority will be to create more drawbridges. "I look at the Delaware River and I see a lot of suspension bridges and, don't get me wrong, I think suspension bridges are neat. But drawbridges are so darn cool. You know? I mean, Governor Christie and I should really sit down and work to build more drawbridges. Yeah, I like that idea. It makes so much sense, the way they open and close. Right? I'm not an engineer, but c'mon."

Oscar host and Delaware's Prada star refers to Best Picture as King's Peach

Hollywood, CA--Last night, Anne Hathaway, star of the 2006 film The Delaware's Prada, hosted the 2011 Oscars alongside actor James Franco. Reviews of the tandem's performance have been mixed, but Hathaway's pronunciation of the Best Picture winner has drawn the wrath of several high profile critics. "Throughout the entire evening she referred to the King's Speech as the King's Peach," said Film Magazine editor, Heather Gilmer. "She has to be better informed." After the show, Hathaway was all smiles and said she was joking and knew it was the King's Speech. However, when asked to explain her summary of the film during the show she denied the unusual description. Roughly halfway through the Oscars Hathaway described the nominated film: "When the King of England finds out that his prized peach farm on Gibraltar, a British territory, has been ransacked by local thugs, he makes it his mission to find and punish those responsible. A heart-wrenching story about a King, a peach and a insatiable thirst for revenge."

Chad from accounting worries Libyan turmoil could spread to his favorite country

Will the owner of a gray Kia Optima with California license plate GH7-A10 ... please close your eyes

Los Angeles, CA--Blake Griffin of the Clippers clinched the NBA Slam Dunk contest last night with an amazing leap over a shiny, new car and a pass from a teammate popping up from the vehicle's sunroof.

The stunt would have been impossible if it wasn't for Jim Gallagher of Santa Monica, CA and his ... shiny, new automobile, a gray 2011 Kia Optima.

"When I first saw the car roll out onto the court for the dunk I was proud that I had just purchased the same car. Then when the public address announcer called my license plate number I didn't know what to do," said Gallagher, who was seated in the second level, where he pointed his keyless entry remote at the automobile and opened the trunk, confirming it was his car.

An eight-car accident on the Santa Ana Freeway prevented the red Kia Optima, being donated from Buena Park Kia in exchange for the free advertising, from being delivered on time for the contest. The NBA needed a Kia and began to search outside the arena for the exact model.

"We signed a deal with Kia and so we had to use a Kia car for the dunk contest," said NBA commissioner David Stern. "I gave the go ahead for the prop crew to search the Staples Center parking lots and garages for a new Kia Optima. It was our only choice. We attempted to get in contact with Mr Gallagher, after running the plates with the LAPD, but cell phone service inside the stadium is less than stellar. The car was returned to Mr Gallagher as we found it. We didn't steal it, we simply borrowed it until the red Kia arrived at the Center."

Gallagher was excited that his car was in the national spotlight for a short time but insulted that the league gave him Clippers tickets for the remainder of this season and next season and now plans to take legal action against the NBA.

"Clippers tickets? Really? I'm suing the crap out of the NBA. They stole my car. I'm gonna sue them as if they took my seat away at the Super Bowl at the last minute."

Two more undercover deer accidentally killed during Valley Forge Park hunt

Above: A CIA file photo of Daffney and Rhubarb soon after their arrival at Valley Forge.

Valley Forge National Historical Park, PA--Park rangers confirmed yesterday the death of two more undercover deer agents in this sprawling 3,600-acre park 25 miles northwest of Philadelphia. Last October, National Park Service officials approved a deer hunt to reduce the dense herd and thwart the "ecological devastation" the animals were inflicting on the fragile landscape. To facilitate the cull, fifty undercover deer, actual deer trained by the CIA, were hired to "mingle" with the estimated 1500 deer currently calling the park home. "Daffney and Rhubarb will be sorely missed," said NPS official Duncan Mahoney, pausing to collect himself. "They knew this was dangerous work and ... my heart goes out to their families." Rhubarb burst onto the undercover deer scene in 2009 by luring hundreds of unsuspecting park deer into open fields during a planned hunt at Gettysburg National Military Park. Sharpshooter error also claimed the lives of Peanut Butter and Nice Rack in early December of last year. The sharpshooters have been suspended with pay.

Most of Center City to be Convention Center by 2025

Above: A satellite image of what the area surrounding City Hall (center) will look like in 2025. The large white-roofed buildings will make up a mega Pennsylvania Convention Center, which will require the demolition of over 600 buildings.

Philadelphia--When the nearly $800 million Convention Center expansion opens in March it will increase the facility's exhibition space to one million square feet. This a massive amount of space to designate to visitors of our fair city, given its intermittent use and placement within the compact urban core and among the multitude of historic structures in Center City. However, one million square feet is minuscule compared to the Convention and Visitor Bureau's master plan.

In 14 short years, the closest independently owned restaurant to City Hall may be north of Spring Garden Street or south of Washington Avenue. A plan to make the Pennsylvania Convention Center the largest exhibition hall in the world was quietly passed unanimously in City Council last month. The plan was attached to the bill that now requires city residents to shovel a 36-inch-wide path along sidewalks within six hours after a snowstorm and a possible $300 fine when failing to do so.

"Having our sidewalks safe for residents is crucial," said Councilman Ben Tormhaus, who represents most of the Clinton Hills Village neighborhood in East Philadelphia. "I was under a lot of pressure to enforce this shoveling bill, even if it means that most of my represented area will eventually succumb to the wrecking ball. They knew we wouldn't refuse the bill no matter what was attached."

People may now have a clear path to walk when it snows, but they won't have a house or apartment to clear a path for. Cutthroat competition in the convention business has forced the city--so they claim--to take such drastic action.

"We're growing more and more tired of losing the Button Makers Convention to cities like Las Vegas or Columbus," said Fiona Gimbles, vice president of the Pennsylvania Convention Center, between bits of the Convention Confections. "I don't mean them specifically, although we did end up losing them to Nevada. In general, we don't want to lose any conventions no matter what their size and to accomplish this we need to expand exponentially. It's the only way."

The new facility, which would require the demolition of over 600 buildings, including historic landmarks, would be able to accommodate every convention in the world ... at the same time. It is estimated that nearly 80,000 city residents will be displaced, thereby decimating the third most populous downtown in the nation (only New York and Chicago have larger city center populations).

"This will be huge for Philadelphia," continued Gimbles. "The influx of tourist dollars will really be immeasurable. The businesses that survive demolition will really benefit. I mean, totally benefit."

Planners were asked why the Convention Center is building out instead of up. Destroying what visitors come to this city for in the first place will give them reasons not to visit.

"It's not like we're knocking down Independence Hall or something. We spared most of the parks. Okay, that was because we want conventioneers to have easy access to the downtown parks," said city planner Curt Frommen, head of the nonprofit planning agency Two Philadelphia's: One Philadelphia. "This is why we will be extending the convention center so that it surrounds Logan, Rittenhouse, Washington and Franklin Squares. Visitors can walk out of the convention center and right into one of the parks."

Gone will be most of the business district's skyscrapers, including the Comcast Center, One and Two Liberty Place, the Mellon Building and Bell Atlantic Tower. The iconic landmarks to be lost are too exhaustive to list here but include, the Cathedral SS Saint's Peter and Paul, Philadelphia Museum of Art, the Kimmel Center, the Barnes Museum (currently under construction), the Benjamin Franklin Bridge and parts of the tidal Schuylkill River.

Crowds gathered in protest of the plan yesterday around City Hall, burning a 1:10,000 sized diorama of the Convention Center that displayed a figurine shoveling the styrofoam sidewalk.

"We needed the shoveling bill passed desperately, there's no doubt about that. But we also need places to shovel," cried Dennis Baker, 47, of Old City. "It's all very confusing. I'm protesting, but I'm not sure what I'm protesting."

Was Brett Favre out of line by wearing Vikings helmet at Packers' Super Bowl celebration?

Super Bowl: Green Bay subway, regional rail, monorail unable to handle throngs of Packer fans during championship celebration

Green Bay, WI--They came from Sheboygan. They came from Oshkosh and Appleton. They came from Madison, La Crosse and Fond Du Lac. They poured in from Wausau, Wausaukee and Milwaukee. From Keshena, Kenosha, Kewaunee, Kewaskum, Kaukauna, Menomonee Falls, Brown Deer, Pewaukee, Racine, Okauchee Lake, Neenah, Waupaca, Weyauwega, Winnaconne and Ashwaubenon they descended onto Titletown.

All of Wisconsin came out for the party at Lambeu Field earlier today in single digit temperatures and biting wind chills to pay tribute to their beloved Super Bowl champion Packers.

Officials are estimating that the city's population, which is just over 100,000 residents, swelled to well over 2.5 million during the festivities earlier today bringing the metropolis to a complete standstill.

"I got on the subway at the S. Webster Ave stop downtown and there were so many people that they couldn't run the trains. The platform was so crowded that a few people were pushed onto the tracks, but no one got injured," said Greg Bouvier, 54, of Whitewater, WI, wearing a Tony Mandarich jersey. "We all agreed to just walk the half block to the stadium."

This played out all over the city today as many never reached their destination or arrived painfully late and even those on foot had no advantage over those in stuck automobiles, trains or hovercrafts.

"The sidewalks were packed. I couldn't move. I was supposed to meet a bunch of friends over at Titletown Brewery," said Brent O'Malley, 38, sporting a Don Majkowski autographed headband. "I told them noway would I make it. That's like two blocks away."

The GBMAS (Green Bay Metropolitan Area Subway) consists of 18 different lines, averaging 23 miles each in length with two of the lines becoming elevated trains outside of the city's borders. The system moves more than 300,000 transit riders during weekday peak hours.

Titletown Station, the city's main rail station, which connects conveniently with the subway, is the base for the Green Bay Regional Rail System (GBRRS) serving the entire Green Bay metro area. However, it all wasn't enough.

"I tried to take the GBRRS from up north in Pulaski, the train passed the station because it was filled, and so were the next five trains," said Betty Upton of Pulaski, WI. "I decided to hitchhike south along Route 32, made it to the city limits and ran the rest of the way to Lambeau Field--ten miles--after we hit heavy traffic. Just made it for the ceremony in time. Go Pack Go."

Two years ago, City Counil decided to construct the largest monorail system in the world in downtown Green Bay "for the good of all Green Bayians." Yesterday's crowds quickly overmatched the single-railed train that was built with Super Bowl celebrations in mind.

"The monorail was supposed to prevent overcrowding of our transportation system. It was supposed to alleviate pressure on our aging subway and regional rail infrastructure," said Councilwoman Stephanie Voulet, who says she would have never voted for the monorail if she knew what she knows now.

High speed hovercraft service from Milwaukee to Green Bay, a twelve-hour one way trip, was also at capacity and forced to shutdown after 12 pm, stranding hundreds of cheesehead-hat-wearing passengers on frozen Lake Michigan near Sturgeon Bay.


"My buddy just sent me a text message, he's stranded on a hovercraft out in Lake Michigan," said a laughing Dennis Bortent of Green Bay Township, WI. "That totally sucks. He's missing everything. It's kind of funny to, though. We were razzing him a bit. Bratwursts are about to hit the fan ... the hovercraft fan."

Super Bowl: A visit to the 'Terrible Towel' factory in southeastern China

Zengcheng, China--Roughly 40 miles east of downtown Guangzhou, the outer edge of this megapolis, one of many in China, sits this factory town in the shadows of the Huideng Mountains on the banks of the shallow Donguan River. Its a cool 54 degrees and sunny, but a welcomed break from this year's harsh Northeast United States winter. There's a twinge in my back from making the hour and a half trip from the Guangzhou Airport on the back of a cramped moped, the only transport available upon landing, and one that was also carrying three other passengers.

The community appears to be a typical Chinese factory town: a center square surrounded by imposing government buildings, manufacturing facilities grouped in the industrial district and residential areas teeming with green space.

If you walk down bustling Shenzhen Street, the main thoroughfare bisecting the the surprisingly tidy factory district, you'll come to a small alley known as Mawan Street. If you weren't looking for the tiny road you would almost certainly miss it. I took a sip of my coffee--I've grown to like the Chinese coffee during my scant 36 hours in the country--a deep breath and made the turn into the crowd.

It was 8 o'clock in the morning and as I made my way down Mawan I began to hear a very familiar song echoing off the multi-colored stucco facades of the buildings lining the narrow street. I thought to myself, 'No, it couldn't be, you're hearing things. Get a hold of yourself.' Thirty yards further, the song now crystal clear, the claustrophobic alley suddenly burst open into a spacious, tree-lined courtyard. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing.

Thousands of workers in crisp, freshly pressed company uniforms were lined in perfect rows and columns and singing, in English, the Steelers' fight song, with slightly modified lyrics. "Here we go, Zengcheng. Here we go. Zengcheng going to the Super Bowl. Here we go ..."

Standing on a podium before the workers was their supervisor Mary Zinjian, at her signal, three succinct yet piercing claps, the 3,000 strong halted the singing and began to passionately wave their yellow towels--their "Terrible Towels."

I had finally arrived at the Terrible Towel factory, the supplier of the black and gold rally towels of the Pittsburgh Steelers--a team tradition since the mid 1970's. I first learned of the facility after bumping into former NFL running back and current YahooSports reporter Tiki Barber in JFK Airport in New York a little over a week ago. I was headed to Florida to do a story on sand and sun and Barber had just returned from China after doing a story on the Green Bay Packers' Cheesehead foam hat factory north of Macau. He said the Terrible Towel factory was big news in this region of China, especially because the Steelers had made it to Super Bowl. Florida can definitely wait!

Twenty-four hours later I was on the other side of the world, some 10,000 miles from Pittsburgh, in a country I had never been to, barely able to communicate and hearing the Steelers fight song being performed ... live.

Before hastily leaving the U.S. I was warned that Westerners--mainly journalists--are often forbidden to enter factories, talk to employees or even come within 50 yards of a Chinese industrial complex. So, when I awoke in my hotel the night after arriving in this "town" of 475,000, I was shocked to find in the lobby the owner and top management team of the towel factory smiling, offering gifts, personally inviting me to tour the facility the next day and lining up interviews.

This town has become obsessed with the Steelers, a sense of pride permeates each and every worker, feeling that their craftsmanship has helped the football club reach the NFL championship game: The Super Bowl. Though not direct employees of the Steelers, the workers, who made 2 billion Terrible Towels this year, feel "like part of the team."

"I love the Troy Polu ... molim," shouted one worker in broken English, adjusting the 3-feet locks of long black hair covering his face, a product of the government-approved Troy Polamalu wig he and hundreds of other workers were wearing on this day. Employees operating sewing machines must tie the wig hair back or fit it beneath a hair cap after an accident last month that ended the record 743 accident-free days.

The owner of the factory Ya Liu spoke candidly about his business and the Steeler madness. He said that the town was crazy over the Steelers, not just the workers. And that the next town over would not even know what American football was, let alone the Pittsburgh Steelers. Liu will show the big game on a 6-inch black and white television for all the workers to see on Monday morning at 7:30 (6:30 pm eastern Sunday kickoff) in the courtyard for a half hour before work commences.

When production of the towel was relocated here from the U.S. two years ago, Liu initially had a difficult time convincing the locals to work in the factory that makes a "terrible" product.

"I went to the factory to find out about a job and they told me I would be making terrible towels. I went home and I looked up in the dictionary the word terrible," said Zeng Fuenghou, 19, through an interpreter, but who displays a voracious desire to learn English. "I could not believe that they were asking me to make a product with this label. I had to check again in the dictionary. I did not want to make a terrible product."

Fuenghou would eventually come to work at the factory after the misunderstanding was sorted out. But other misunderstandings arose along the way.

"When I first began making the towels, I thought Americans were very, very small humans because the product was not called 'Terrible Hand Towels.' So I assumed they were full size towels. But then I learned that the towels were purposely small and were for cheering a sports team on," said Wen Tjian, a worker that mixes the yellow dye for the towels.

Though the town has numerous factories, the Terrible Factory, as the residents have dubbed it, is a source of pride.

"I came from the countryside to the city for a job and a chance at a better life," said Jeng Tian, 24, also through and interpreter, and who spent the early part of her life as a terrace farmer west of town. "I make towels that are terrible ... and I'm proud of that."

Over the next couple of days, I toured the factory and the town with six company escorts. The environmental disaster stories that you hear about manufacturing in China had me braced for the worst. Yes, the Donguan River was dyed yellow and black, but they assured me it was not the toxic ink from the towel factory but a natural coloring product to "support the team." The working facilities were immaculate and, even though I was forbidden from entering the largest building on the site, I trusted the working conditions were just as favorable inside.

On what was supposed to be my last day in the country, I am told that the Cheesehead foam hat factory in Macau has challenged the Terrible Towel factory to a game of touch football on the following day in downtown Guangzhou--neutral territory. The Zengcheng government strongly recommended that stick around.

On the drive to this fiercely anticipated grid iron match up, the next day, the supervisors inform me that I will quarterback the Terrible Towel squad. That it would be an "honor" if I would lead the workers to victory over the "despicable Cheeseheads" and that my China stay may be extended indefinitely if I declined.

I'm totally caught off guard by this, however, I am unable to convey that I am not qualified to be a quarterback ... in the U.S. or China, trust me. They assured me that I must and that under no circumstances can I lose this game, this was the reason they let me into the Terrible factory in the first place.

Soon after arriving at the site, I am pushed from the car and thrust onto the shoulders of the energetic, chanting employees and carried to the sidelines of a large athletic field, measured in meters and line with thousands of spectators.

Across the field, the foam Cheesehead workers have formed a huddle around a kneeling player. I can do this I thought, I used to light up the backyard football games when I was a kid. As their huddle broke, the kneeling player rose, and kept rising, then rose some more, and suddenly towered over his teammates.

Yiu, the smiling owner, leaned over and said, "Do you believe they were able to get Aaron Rodgers to come here a week before the Super Bowl? Here we go Zengcheng, here we go. Zengcheng going to the Super Bowl. Here we go."

Super Bowl: With steel industry long gone from Pittsburgh, should Steelers still be the ... Steelers?

Above: Steelers' quarterback Ben Roethlisberger wears a helmet during a preseason game that features a hospital patient undergoing a CAT Scan. Health care, not steel, has become the dominant sector of the economy in Pittsburgh.

Dallas, TX--Pittsburgh and its surrounding counties, many western Pennsylvanians will argue, built this country. More steel was produced in this region than any place in the world and, with eastern Pennsylvania not far behind, the state as a whole was, in essence, the entire industry.

The city, long known for its three, flowing rivers and Primanti Brothers sandwiches, however, identified and unified around this more pervasive symbol: steel. Everything was steel. The sidewalks were steel. The wooden roller coasters of Kennywood amusement park were steel. The erasers on the ends of pencils sold in the city were steel. Most t-shirts were made from steel. Beverage straws in fast food restaurants were steel. Even the city's seemingly endless number of bridges were made of steel.

"When the city finally secured an NFL organization in 1933 the team was named the Pittsburgh Three Rivers," said Harvey Williams, 95, a current fan and former general manager. "Fans shortened it to Three Rivs and eventually to Thrivs, which was uncomfortably close to Thrifts--the owner hated this--and so a change was needed. This change came in the early 40's."

In 1933, the city used an online poll (the mayor hung a giant clothesline downtown from a pole for residents to attach their votes to) to determine the name of the new football team. Three Rivers won, but a close second was Steelers, which was chosen as the new name in 1942.

"I don't know why we voted Three Rivers the first time around," added Williams, wearing an old black and teal Three Rivs jersey signed by the team's all-star 1939 punter Frank 'Eight Fingers' Grednavicz. "Three Rivers was a bunch of hogwash. We were the Steel City at heart."

And the team took its new name to heart. Through most of the organization's history, Steelers' players were required to pass a written test on the process of and history of making steel. It was a team tradition that was taken very seriously and well-paid professional athletes could find themselves on the bench if facts about iron and steel were not understood inside and out. Players were also required to spend two days working in a steel mill during the season and injuries sustained during this time were considered "football injuries."

"It was serious stuff. All those guys up through about 1982 knew everything about steel, including the Bessemer steel process. It was their job to know," said Darren Rooney, official Steelers' historian. "Terry Bradshaw, Mean Joe Green and Jack Lambert knew that the process was based on molten pig iron. They'd be riding the pine if they didn't."

"The principle involved is that of oxidation of the impurities in the iron by the oxygen of air that is blown through the molten iron; the heat of oxidation raises the temperature of the mass and keeps it molten during operation," said FOXSports NFL analyst and Steelers' legendary quarterback Terry Bradshaw, who is in the Metroplex this week for Super Bowl festivities. "I can't believe I still know that."

Then came the 1980's and the struggling steel mills began to close down, the once spewing smokestacks fell dormant as if large nicorette gum pieces were dropped inside from hovering helicopters. At its high point, Pittsburgh boasted 38 mills and was home to such industry icons as U.S. Steel, Laughlin-Schmidt Steel and Three Guys Steel.

Now, the region's largest industry is health care, where UMPC (University of Pittsburgh Medical Center) employs nearly 50,000 locals and where technology and education makeup a sizable portion of the "new" economy.

This past August during a preseason game, the Steelers recognized the city's changed economy by donning helmets that featured a heath care worker assisting a patient during a CAT Scan. The helmet was well-received by the fans, but the front office decided against using the headgear during the regular season.

"Steel making may never return the to this region as a prominent employer," said Dan Rooney, former president of the franchise and current U.S. ambassador to Ireland. "We have to accept that. And while naming the team Steelers is a tribute to our past, we have risen like a phoenix, resurrected, adapted and created a new Pittsburgh. Should we still be the Steelers? That's a great question."