Staples Center Director to be charged for dropping staples with confetti after Lakers' victory

Los Angeles, CA--On June 17 at the Staples Center, the Lakers captured their 16th NBA title by beating the Boston Celtics in a hard fought seven-game series.

Following the series-clinching victory, an 83-79 come-from-behind rally, confetti began to rain from the rafters in Laker purple, gold and white. Mixed in with the floating, twisting paper, however, were metal staples--an unusual ingredient when recognizing a championship.

Several players and hundreds of fans reported injuries from the paper fasteners soon after the on-court celebration began. Some staples fell with such force that they became lodged in the wood basketball court.

Jack Nicholson was later taken to a local hospital to have over 10,000 staples removed from his back and arms, which were raised to protect his head. "It wasn't pleasant, but it gave me a great idea for a movie," said the actor several days later.

Staples Inc., the office supply store, purchased the naming rights to the Lakers' home arena soon before its completion in 1999. It is believed that the company had no prior knowledge that staples would be part of the arena's post game revelry.

The arena's director, Vance Smithton, 52, is now being charged with over 900 counts of reckless endangerment. It is believed that Smithton came up with the idea to drop staples as a marketing stunt for the office company only days before game seven. Staples Inc. or arena employees did not become alarmed or suspicious when the director ordered 50,000 boxes of staples. (Staples Inc. provides free office supplies to the arena.)

"I really miscalculated this one," said Smithton, before being lightly shoved into the back of an LAPD police car parked in front of the Staples Center. "I just thought dropping staples at Staples Center would be cool. It makes sense. Am I right? Go Clippers."

Struggling Indianapolis 500 to be held at Churchhill Downs, horses to replace cars, will be called Kentucky Derby

Louisville, KY--A group of board members from the Indianapolis 500 and the Indianapolis Motor Speedway gathered at the main entrance to the grandstands of Churchill Downs early yesterday morning, dew still covering the nearby infield grass, to announce some "minor" changes to, what at one time, was one of the world's most famous automobile races.

The Indy car race, which struggles to stay relevant these days, along with the Indy Series, is held every Memorial Day weekend each year, will be moving about 115 miles to the south, across the state line, to Kentucky beginning in 2011. Gone will be the Indy cars. Gone will be the name. And gone will be the entire race from the city of Indianapolis and the state of Indiana

"We're not canceling the Indianapolis 500. I want that to be clear. We're tweaking it," said Bart Antonelli, the historic race's director, trying his best to keep the mood light. "I really wanted to keep the race in Indianapolis, but it just wasn't in the cars ... er, cards. By holding the race in Kentucky, we're saving the race and all of the tradition that goes along with it. Louisville is only a 2-hour drive from Indianapolis."

When asked about replacing the cars with horses, Antonelli became short with a reporter, saying the question was irrelevant. Many have pointed to the extremely low television ratings of the race as the reason behind the changes, but the race's organizers were quick to dismiss this misnomer.

"The race is doing fine, but it won't be called the Indianapolis 500 at Churchhill Downs. Indianapolis or 500 will not be part of the title at all. It will simply be called the Kentucky Derby," said Antonelli. "Fans will not be able to tell the difference because the Indianapolis 500 will be the Kentucky Derby. Is everyone following me? I feel like I'm losing some people here."

Asked if the "auto" race will still be held over Memorial Day weekend, the board, nodding as if thanking the journalist for the reminder, informed the gathered media that it will now be held on the first Saturday in May. This is the day that the Kentucky Derby is currently held. "See," said Antonelli, about the identical dates and start times. "You won't be able to tell the difference."

East Coast Restaurant Owners Breathe Sigh of Relief as Mexico Soccer Plays Between Meals

Boston, MA--Harry McNulty sported a broad smile as he sat at the bar holding a frosted glass of Samuel Adams Summer Ale. The owner of Tullimore's Grill, a neighborhood gastropub only three blocks from the Boston Common, was seated next to Carlos Gutierrez, 21, a cook at the restaurant since coming the United States nearly two years ago.

McNulty was also joined on the unusually high stools by other members of the kitchen staff including Edgar Humberto, Hugo Martin, Justino Hernandez and Jesus Mercedes, all hailing from, like Gutierrez, the Mexican state of Puebla. The men were staring at the high definition flat screen television mounted above the bar with sweating bottles of untouched, lime-capped Coronas standing before them.

"We were freaking out a little," said Marcus O'Leary, a bartender originally from Cork, Ireland. "We didn't know who would be coming in today."

The bartender's--and the owner's--concern was based on what was being shown on the perfectly clear image beaming from the elevated screen. Two soccer powerhouses, Mexico and Argentina, were squaring off in a round of 16 World Cup game at 2:30 PM ET.

"When the schedule came out," said McNulty, standing with one arm around an uncomfortable Gutierrez, "I was pretty relieved that Mexico's game fell between lunch and dinner. Wasn't I Carl? I mean, we draw a pretty good crowd on Sundays. Carl loves soccer."

Just about all of the kitchen staff outright confessed that the game would come first and, had the match been played during a busy meal time, would unfortunately be "sick around a yet to be determined time." McNulty, in appreciation of the staff''s hard work and commitment, treated the workers to an open bar and an all-you-can-eat lunch with front row seats at the bar to watch their beloved El Tri --Mexico's national soccer team.

"I would have come in," laughed Mercedes, as his coworkers razzed him for kissing up to the boss, who was within earshot. "No, I really would have. Mexico always disappoints in the Copa Mundial [World Cup]."

Apparently, many restaurants up and down the east coast imitated McNulty's gesture and invited staff to watch the game on the establishments' televisions or brought in tv's if none were on site.

Other cities, particularly in the Mountain and Pacific time zones, reported virtual shutdowns of the restaurant industry, as the game started at 12:30 PM and 11:30 AM, respectively.

The Denver metro area may have been the hardest hit where it was estimated that over 5,000 restaurant employees called in "sick" just before the opening tap. Phoenix and Los Angeles each estimated the number of absent workers was close to 3,000. Even Chicago, located in the Central time zone, where the game started at 1:30 PM, experienced the effects of the soccer-mad nation to the south.

As the game was winding down, Argentina was well in command holding a 3-1 lead over Mexico. Mercedes, still seated at the lightly crowded Tullimore bar alongside his countrymen, reached over and tapped a slouching Martin on the shoulder. "See, they always disappoint. But hold your head high my friend because it's only four more years until they disappoint again."

At the conclusion of the game, McNulty jumped from his stool, clapped and yelled loudly, indicating "fun time" was over, cleared away the workers unfinished food and drinks and quickly shuffled the sullen workers back into the kitchen. "Thank heaven," said an elated McNulty, now seated at the bar by himself sipping a pint of Guinness. "I don't have to see or talk to those guys, or watch soccer, for four more years."

Inexperienced Honduras attempts shin guard exchange following game

Above: Spain's David Villa, left, is unsure why Honduras' Amado Guevara is offering his sweaty shin guard following a World Cup game in Johannesburg, South Africa. Tradition usually calls for an exchange of jerseys at the conclusion of a match; however, this is only Honduras' second-ever World Cup appearance and first since 1982. "After our first game, many of the players attempted to exchange shoe laces with the Chilean players, who appeared extremely confused," said Guevara, referring to a 1-0 loss on June 16 against the narrow, mountainous South American country. "The Chileans told us that shin guards, and not shoe laces, were normally exchanged after a game. It's a hazing thing I guess. We're the new guys."

Scoreboard operator taken to hospital as Portuagal scores seven goals

Cape Town, South Africa--The soccer match between Portugal and North Korea earlier today turned into a lopsided, record-setting victory for the European team. Portugal prevailed, 7-0, making a strong statement not only to the rest of Group G but to the entire World Cup field.

Forgotten during this impressive display of offense was the only reported injury from the game. An injury that occurred high above the field.

Green Point Stadium's scoreboard controller, Marc Jensen, 28, of Bellville, South Africa was taken to Cape Hospital shortly after Portugal scored its fourth goal. Doctors expect Jensen to make a full recovery mentally, but feel it is highly unlikely that he will ever walk again. His days of working soccer scoreboards may be over.

"This was pretty traumatic for Marc," said Doctor Sven Thompson at a press conference in the hospital's lobby. "That flurry of goals at the start of the 2nd half was unlike anything he had ever seen. He's a warrior, though, so I wouldn't be surprised if he battles back to the booth one day."

Jensen had risen through the competitive ranks of scoreboard operating rather quickly. He became the youngest operator in South Africa at the age of 25 and was named Scoreboard Operator of the Year in 2008 by FIFA.

"This was his first World Cup," said Don Van Honen, Jensen's longtime mentor. "He's just a kid. After Portugal scored their third goal he contacted me by walkie talkie. He said,'Don, I've never seen a team score more than two goals. What do I do? Get up here. Quick!' He was so scared. By the time I made it to the booth he was passed out on the floor. There was urine everywhere."

Jensen's Facebook page displays pictures of him diving with great white sharks off the coast of South Africa, base jumping, skydiving and climbing steep mountain faces. "This was just too much for him," said Steph Jensen, Marc's mother, about seven goals in a soccer game. "Just too damn much."

Soda Tax out, but Soda Tacks ... could be in

Philadelphia, PA--The controversial Soda Tax essentially died a few weeks ago, as City Council passed a budget without including a tax on the sweetened beverages. Many laughed at the idea saying a tax on soda is like "a tax on Sprite or Coke or any other kind of soda."

The beverage tax was aimed not only to raise desperately needed revenue for the city, but also reduce the consumption of sugary drinks that overwhelmingly contribute to the nation's--and the City's-- childhood obesity epidemic.

"Obesity is a major problem in this country," said Dr Jim Bartolo, a nutrition doctor at Pennsylvania Hospital in Center City. "I commend Philadelphia for taking a stand against the soft drink giants. At least [Mayor] Nutter tried."

And, according to sources within City Hall, the Mayor is about to try again, this time with the Soda Tacks Bill. The Bill, which could possibly be introduced as early as Monday, appears to have strong support within City Council.

Under the Soda Tacks, sharp, metal thumb tacks would be systematically placed on top of, on the sides of and occasionally inside cans and bottles of soda that are bottled, packaged and sold in Philadelphia County. If the Soda Tacks passes, bottling companies would be required, by law, to participate in the placement of tacks, that will feature the City's seal, on all sodas.

"Obviously, we're going to lose a few people along the way," said Councilwoman Debra Sizemore about the placement of loose tacks inside cans and bottles. "It's unfortunate but very necessary if we really want to curb our City's consumption of soft drinks."

"Our hope is that residents of Philadelphia will be so frightened to drink soda that their consumption of the beverage will plummet," said Tom Billinger, president of No Duh, Soda, a group that encourages children to drink more ice tea and Gatorade. "Imagine for a minute an unsuspecting young child attempting to grab a can of soda and instead suffering multiple shallow cuts to the hand. That could be their last soda. This is a brilliant Bill ... just brilliant."

Some viewed the Soda Tacks in a different light. "This is going to create so many jobs for the city," said one state representative who wanted to remain anonymous. "It will require lots of manpower to fasten all of these tacks to the sides of cans. This is exciting."

Soft drink companies have been surprisingly receptive to the Soda Tacks. Though vehemently against the Soda Tax, the companies believe their customers are so addicted to their product that no matter how sharp the metal tacks on a can, they will keep coming back for more. They were much less certain about the relationship between loyalty and a price increase on the product.

"We think this may actually increase soda consumption," said one soft drink bottling representative. "Drinking soda will be considered dangerous and hip. 'Did you see Steve? He was drinking soda today. We have to be like Steve. Let's go get several cases of soda.'"

Either way, Philadelphia will quickly find out how the Soda Tacks, if passed, affects consumption of one of the planet's most popular drinks.

ABC, ESPN still hoping Michael Phelps is added to U.S. Men's Soccer Team

New York, NY--ABC and ESPN, the two television networks broadcasting the World Cup in the United States, firmly believe that the highly decorated Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps can play defense or midfield for the U.S. men's soccer team. "Have you seen this guy swim?" asked one ABC executive to a group of reporters at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel. "We think he can take that swimming skill and add a ball and maybe take away some of the water and put some spikes on and some shin guard things and be a great soccer-ball-kicker-player guy." Phelps says he would play if added to the roster, but would like to wear his popular swimming goggles. Both networks would also prefer the swimmer wear his signature Speedo both on the field and on the bench during the month-long tournament being held in South Africa.

D-Day vet: 'Chunnel would have really come in handy.'

Dover, United Kingdom--Last week, the 66th anniversary of the largest amphibious invasion in history was remembered. Had a certain underwater tunnel existed at the time, ships and other watercraft could have been left in port.

On May 6, 1994 the Channel Tunnel, or Chunnel, opened under the English Channel, finally connecting Great Britain to the European continent. The opening was one month short of fifty years after the June 6, 1944 D-Day invasion of France by the Allied forces during World War II.

The concept for a tunnel beneath the English Channel has roots dating back to the time of Napolean Bonaparte, who, it is widely believed, was a staunch supporter of the idea.

"It's no secret that many lives would have been saved had the Chunnel been around in 1944," said WWII veteran Sargent Tom Peters of the 103rd Airborne Division. "The Chunnel would have made D-Day a pleasure. We literally could have walked to France."

Walking the nearly 32-mile tunnel would have taken a lot out of the Allied troops. It is more probable that the nearly 160,000 soldiers involved in the operation that day would have used trains and troop transport vehicles. Although, concerns over echoing machinery noise, possibly alerting the enemy, may have required the latter portion of the trip to be made on foot.

Some experts feel that the Germans would have been closely watching the Chunnel, had it existed, which would have made its use nearly impossible by the Allies. Others were not so sure. "The Germans would have had maybe one ore two soldiers watching the Channel Tunnel," said Dr Hal Fitzsimmons, an Oxford University military history professor. "Using the Chunnel would have been too obvious. The Germans would have amassed troops elsewhere."

There is little doubt, however, that the estimated 10,000 casualties over the course of the invasion would have been drastically reduced had the water landings been substituted by a Chunnel landing.

"Damn! It took us hours and hours to cross the choppy Channel that day 66 years ago," recalled Don Gilbert, 88, an American soldier who landed on Utah Beach in Normandy. "Traveling from London to Calais, France while on a trip last year took me 54 minutes on the Eurostar train and the only bombs that were dropping were coming from the guy eating the fish and chips in front of me."

Lack of Uno restaurants forces visiting Blackhawks fans to reluctantly gather in Center City T.G.I. Fridays

Philadelphia, PA--Blackhawks fans visiting Philadelphia and Chicag0land transplants living in the Place that Loves You Back, were extremely upset even before Claude Giroux tipped an overtime goal past Antti Niemi for the Flyers' first win of the series.

Upset because of bad referee calls? No. Upset because of unruly Flyers fans? No. Upset that they put some sort of bratwurst topping on a cheesesteak? Yes, probably, but that's not it. What then? No Uno. No what-o?

Many Chicago fans in town for the Stanley Cup Finals, most making the journey without tickets, admitted to just assuming there was an Uno Chicago Grill in downtown Philadelphia where they could link up with other 'Hawks fans headed east. There is one Uno franchise location within the city's limits, however, it is in the Northeast section of the city, some 15 miles from City Hall.

Three friends, all visiting from Aurora, IL, reluctantly gathered last night in the nearly empty, circa 1985 T.G.I. Friday's along the Benjamin Franklin Parkway for the crucial playoff game. Tom Higgins, 45, the trip organizer, wanted to be close to his beloved hockey team and follow the Western Conference champions on the road. Clad in red Blackhawk's jerseys, the three men stared straight ahead nursing half-empty beers, not really watching the game and not speaking to one another since learning that their favorite deep dish pizza chain is absent from the heart of Philadelphia.

"Yeah, we ordered the Tuscan Spinach Dip," answered Higgins in a sarcastic tone when asked if the untouched appetizer sitting in front of the University of Wisconsin graduates belonged to the group. "It's a freakin' sweet app. I'm kind of out of it right now, forgive me, but I think we have an order of Sesame Jack Chicken Strips coming as well. Yippee."

The dearth of the pizza chain restaurants in this city was absolutely shocking to some Windy City fans.

"Philly is a great city," said Debra Smith, 34, of Skokie, IL, standing with her husband Gary in front of Independence Hall. "We've seen all the historic sites these last two days and the food here is unbelievable. But, then we asked our hotel's concierge where the local Uno Chicago Grill is--you know, to connect with other Chicago fans--and he said there isn't one close by. I began to have a panic attack because the game was only 20 minutes from starting. In Chicago, there's an Uno restaurant within a 15 minute walk from any point in the city."

Midwestern Fans known for their passion and general good manners, but not so much for an in-your-face attitude, vented obvious frustration. "This is a bunch of rotten bratwursts," shouted Dan Henski at nobody in particular, a Blackhawk fan from Chicago's Wrigleyville neighborhood. "Every city in the world has an Uno Chicago Grill downtown, except for maybe Nashville. This ain't no real city. I'm so upset that I could just reverse the flow of the Chicago River when I get back home. I swear I'll do it."

One group of 'Hawks fans, staying at several different hotels and who crossed paths at the famous Mutter Museum earlier in the day, pitched in for a 9-mile cab ride to Deptford, NJ, the closest Uno location to Center City. Another group staying at the Old City Marriott opted to rent a van and make their way to Conshohocken, a 13-mile trip west on the Schuylkill Expressway.

"Going to the Garden State wasn't in the plans, but we love our 'Hawks. Plus, my doctor says I'm not really suppose to go more than 48 hours without having deep dish pizza. No, really, I'm serious. It's been eight years since I've gone more than two days without my deep dish," said Dan O'Reilly, 47, of Evanston, IL.

So, local Uno locations in Conshohocken, Deptford, Newtown Square, Maple Shade and the Northeast, prepare yourselves for an invasion of Chicago-accented hockey enthusiasts supporting their team while visiting the Suburbs of Brotherly Love deep dish.

Guatemala City McDonald's open for business despite sizable sinkhole

Owner denies having playland in front of restaurant

Stanley Cup Finals: Will Chicago's wind play a factor?

Flyers use swamp boats in practice to simulate windy conditions

The Flyers walk the concourse of Chicago's United Center in brand new, wind resistant hooded sweatshirts. The team got lost in the arena's cavernous halls before eventually finding the media room for a press conference.

Chicago, IL--The Philadelphia Flyers last played a game against the Blackhawks in Chicago's United Center on December 26, 2008. The game was not even close as the home team convincingly won, 5-1, over the visiting Orange and Black.

"The only thing I can remember about that game was the wind," said Flyers' left winger, Simon Gagne. "We just were not accustomed to the wind coming in off of Lake Michigan. To get a shot on goal, you had to aim five feet to the side of the net."

Eastern Conference teams do not play in every Western Conference city each year and vice versa. Teams from the east, who rarely travel to Chicago to take on the Blackhawks, really have to over prepare themselves for the city's strong winds. For this reason, the Flyers brought in 12 swamp/fan boats this week to their practice facility in Vorhees, NJ, to become more familiar with playing hockey in windy conditions.

"I've never played in those conditions," said Flyers' goaltender Michael Leighton, after practice on Wednesday. "When all 12 boats were turned on, the force was so strong that the equipment guys had to create this elaborate anchoring system from ice skate laces."

The Windy City will be hosting a Stanley Cup Final game for the first time since 1992. In that year, Mario Lemieux, Hall of Fame star for the Penguins, who won the series in four games, was fortunate enough to figure out the wind patterns of northeastern Illinois fairly quickly.

"My advice to the Flyers would be to really overcompensate for the wind," said Lemieux, now co-owner of the Penguins, who is pulling for his Atlantic Division foe against the Blackhawks. "In '92, I would lick my finger and hold it to the air to determine the wind direction. This proved invaluable. This was only after finding out that gathering ice shavings from the rink surface and releasing them into the wind was not an effective approach."

Flyers' head coach Peter Laviolette has stressed to his team the importance of wind compensation when passing, shooting, clearing and, believe it or not, line changing.

"Winds are stronger coming over the glass and the boards," warned Laviolette, who brought in a University of Chicago wind expert, a Chester County native, to talk with the team. "When coming on and off the ice the players must use the doors to the bench. The wind can prevent a player from coming over the boards, which can result in a too many men penalty."

Having played in the wind for 41 regular season and 8 playoff home games, the Blackhawks hold a definite advantage. Both teams, however, will quickly find out whether or not 12 swamp boats can level that playing field ... er, rink.

BP to hold online contest for solving oil leak

London, U.K.--Officials at BP are out of ideas. Frustration cannot begin to describe the mood of one of the planet's largest energy company's thousands of worldwide employees. The Gulf of Mexico oil leak that eventually resulted from an April 20 oil rig explosion off the coast of Louisiana is wreaking havoc on the region.

Oil is beginning to coat beaches, beachgoers, bayous and wildlife in states and countries all along the Gulf Coast. "Countries that I have never even heard of are claiming that oil is washing ashore," said one BP executive. "Turks & Caicos? Where the hell is that? Is it one or two places?"

Advisers to the company have now suggested executives and engineers seek solutions from outside its own walls. As a result, beginning tomorrow, BP will launch an online contest for ideas on how to plug the 5,000 barrels per day leak that is nearly one mile below the Gulf's often placid surface. Entries should be sent to BP's American headquarters in Houston, TX no later than July 30, 2010.

"We wanted to give people enough time to create a cool video or something," said Max Ventnor, 24, a consultant with LastStand Consulting, a damage control consulting firm. "We're hoping this will be a Youtube thing or maybe something with Google, but definitely a Facebook thing. But, I want everybody to remember that even if we come across a great idea early on, we will not announce the winner until July 30. Rest assured that no solution will be implemented until sometime in August."

BP has posted more details concerning the contest on the company's official website.

"Once you come to BP's website, scroll down to the very bottom of the page. On the right hand side will be a giant cartoon 'MD' icon. Click on this to navigate to our marketing department. Scroll to the very bottom of the marketing department's page and on the left will be the icon for 'Sprites Fix a leak Contest,'" explained Douglas Hartnell, a public relations official for BP.

BP appears to be supporting the idea for online solutions.

"Online contests are hip and cool. Both Mountain Dew and Lipton Tea held contests in the last few years for something or other. This is partly the reason why we're partnering with Sprite," said Hartnell. "No, we're not a soft drink company, but we do deal with liquids."

Ideas to stop the flow of oil seem to be slowly surfacing around the world, as two University of Texas Austin engineering students feel they are on to something. "Oh we have an idea that would definitely work. There's no doubt about it. But it will definitely take us right up to the July 30 deadline to create an awesome video presentation that will interface with Facebook. My buddy wants to use video editing software that neither of us are familiar with."

Winners will receive a limited edition Hess collectible toy truck, a $10,000 scholarship to a participating university and, once the cleanup is complete, 0.00025% of all the recycled oil pulled from the Gulf's waters, which may or may not be worthless.

Flyers exercising extreme patience with new fans, journalists covering hockey for first time

Philadelphia, PA--In the postgame news conference last night after the Flyers eliminated the Montreal Canadiens and advanced to the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time since 1997, Captain Mike Richards was asked by a local journalist if he was concerned about the number of "icy's" the team accumulated during the series.

Richards, after trying desperately not to laugh, responded,"I'm sorry, did you say icy's? Did you mean icings?"

The journalist took a quick glance down at the folder in his lap and confirmed that, yes, in fact, he meant icings.

Later in the news conference, standout defenseman Chris Pronger was asked, citing his size, if face-offs would ever be replaced by jump pucks, similar to jump balls in basketball. The giant blueliner gave a big smile and said he would love to see that because of his often glaring height advantage over other players.

At the conclusion of games one and two against the Canadiens, each at the Wachovia Center, the Flyers reported that nearly four hundred fans demanded a partial ticket refund because, they claimed, "this game was only three periods long." The team did issue partial refunds, but said it will not exercise this policy during the Finals.

Last night, one of the greenest Flyer' fans attending the game celebrated what he thought was a Stanley Cup championship.

"I was going nuts in the stands," said an embarrassed Pete Tomwill, a Lower Merion Flyers fan, who was informed by a nearby season ticket holder that there is one more round of hockey before the cup. "The guy wearing the 'C' on his jersey picked up that big trophy that was very silver and cup-like. Why would they have such a nice trophy for the semi-finals?"

When teams make deep runs into the playoffs, such as the Flyers' current drive to the Finals, large numbers of new fans, often not nearly as savvy as the average season ticket holder, want to share in the teams' success and feel the same elation that fans around them are experiencing by cheering for a sport they may not even care for.

"This happens every year with every sport, believe it or not," explained Dr Reid Clossuer, a sports psychologist at Graduate Hospital in Center City Philadelphia. "But the stress this causes players is often magnified in hockey as media members, usually assigned to cover football or baseball, are asked to pull double duty and report on hockey. It's like asking an experienced airline pilot to all the sudden drive a car."

The good doctor also recognized that Flyers' players may not have it as bad as some that have come before them.

"Philadelphia is a fantastic hockey town," said Dr Reid Clossuer "The team has been very patient with the 'bandwagon' fans and new journalists, but, not to take away from their kindheartedness, the Hurricanes and Lightning may have faced the ultimate test several years ago."

Clossuer is referring to when the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Carolina Hurricanes won the Stanley Cup in 2004 and 2006 respectively. In these sunshine belt cities, not known as hockey hotbeds, the players' patience with new fans and journalists during their run to the Cup soon wore so thin that Clossuer was called in to council the athletes.

"In 2006, Rod Brind'Amour, captain of the Hurricanes at the time, was asked 26 times during the Finals about the apostrophe in his last name by the same Greensboro Sun reporter," said Clossuer. "[The journalist] kept insisting that Brind'Amour make the 'A' lowercase, remove the apostrophe and make the last name one word. I showed Rod some very useful breathing exercises."

SEPTA to extend rail coverage with new rail cars, giant truck

Philadelphia, PA--The Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority (SEPTA) is expanding as a result of a growing ridership. Providing these riders with a more comfortable commute will be made easier by the new Silverliner V rail car. The Authority has purchased 120 of these sleek cars from the South Korea based manufacturer.

Part of the expansion, in addition to new rail cars, includes reconnecting towns by "rail." Towns that at one time were linked to the regional rail system will once again be tied to Center City Philadelphia by the "rail" network. Well, sort of.

Extending rail service with new track and securing right-of-ways can drain a transit agency's wallet very quickly. This forced SEPTA to become extremely creative by not only thinking outside of the box, but also thinking outside of the area that is just outside of the box. SEPTA calls this method, "thinking outside of the outside perimeter of the box."

"Refurbishing or installing new rail lines is cost prohibitive," explained Pete Francis, a SEPTA Planner. "Placing these dashing new rail cars on the backs of large flatbed trucks will allow us to serve many more communities by 'rail' without devastating our budget."

The concept is fairly simple: when a train reaches a line's current terminus, a lifting device, most likely a crane, will elevate the car from the tracks and onto a truck.

For example, West Chester, where rail service concluded in 1983, will be linked to the R3 Line, which currently terminates in Elwyn. After being lifted by crane and set onto the oversized tractor trailer, the new, behemoth unit will make its way north on Route 352, escorted by police, with stops in Lima and Cheyney before ending on Market St in West Chester.

"We are so very excited to be getting rail service again," said Gail Davenport, West Chester's mayor. "I realize it's not rail service, but at the same time it is rail service. Heck, I'm just glad we're getting rail service. All aboard!"

With this revolutionary idea, SEPTA hopes to provide "rail" service to Phoenixville, Chadds Ford, Newtown and Quakertown in the next two years.

"People like rail travel. Period. And if we can provide our riders with the rail travel vibe, even though the rail car will be on the back of a truck, we feel it is in our best interest. Studies have shown that buses are terrible at replicating a 'train feeling,'" said Tyler Swanson, a SEPTA official, when asked why the region's transit provider wouldn't simply use buses, a much cheaper option, when reconnecting towns.

The transit agency has attempted several practice truck transports (shown above) and has streamlined the process down to six hours from the time the train stops at the final station until the car is safely secured to the trailer.

"Oh, it's quite a process to get the rail cars on and off the truck," said Swanson. "We are confidant, however, that in five years we can have the process down to about 1.5 hours. We are also hoping that the cost of transfer, now at $25,000, can be cut in half ... but, hey, these are federal rail dollars, so ..."

Moyer recalls getting powder blue jersey as a 38-year-old kid

Above: Phillies' pitcher Jamie Moyer in the 1970's retro powder blue uniforms last night in Milwaukee. Moyer recalled getting a similar jersey as a 38-year-old kid in the 1970's.

Milwaukee, WI--Many Phillies fans, unaware of Retro Weekend in the land of cheese, brats and beer and brats filled with cheese and beer, desperately tried to adjust their tv's after tuning into last night's game. The reason? Well, Jamie Moyer and the rest of the Phillies wore crisp throwback powder blue 1970's uniforms in a game against the Brewers.

Comcast SportsNet reported that over 2,000 calls poured into the network's call center from fans demanding to know if the color problem would soon be corrected. Eventually, Comcast ran a banner across the bottom of the screen informing the television audience not to adjust the color and that "the powder blues are back, baby."

The powder blue road uniforms were quite the hit during their run in the 70's and 80's. Moyer, a Souderton, PA native, grew up a Phillies fan and fell in love with the powder blues. The pitcher, who is off to a hot start this season accumulating a 5-2 record, experienced major flashbacks while putting on the retro jersey last night before the game.

"I asked for the powder blues for my 38th birthday. I was just a kid and [Mike] Schmidt was hitting the cover off the ball," said Moyer, standing at the top of the visitor's dugout steps in Miller Park. "I remember opening that box so clearly. My mother had wrapped the package in Three's Company wrapping paper. The paper was from the early seasons because the Ropers, and not Mr Furley, were with Jack, Janet and Chrissy."

The ageless pitcher desperately wanted to don that gift from so long ago for last night's game.

"I searched my house up and down last week to see if I could find that jersey and actually wear it for this game. I just couldn't find it, as that was over 30 years ago. I did find an old Phillies thermos, though. Still great for soup."

Outfielder can only laugh as "fan" comes onto field 3rd consecutive night

Above: Phillies' outfielder Jayson Werth tracks down a fly ball as a "fan" lands behind him on the warning track.

Philadelphia, PA--On Wednesday night, Philadelphia Phillies' outfielder Jayson Werth couldn't help but smile when a fan came onto the field for the third night in a row in South Philadelpiha. During the the previous two nights at Citizens Bank Park, two fans ran onto the field causing mixed crowd reactions and delaying the game for several minutes. The first night became a national news story, as a 17-year-old fan was chased and eventually tasered after failing to cooperate with police.

Before the game, fans were asking themselves if the Philly faithful would go for the hat trick and create an on-field disturbance for a third consecutive night. The crowd appeared distracted and on edge most of the evening in anticipation of who may venture onto the field. Security personnel reported more fans than ever bringing cameras into the game.

"The fans wanted to be ready for YouTube," laughed Paul Zeigler, a security guard stationed at the entrance near the east end of Ashburn Alley. "There was an unusually high number of picture and video devices brought in on Wednesday."

After seven innings of painful waiting, a fan came down from the right field, lower level seats. That is, a large, gray box fan. The 21" x 7" x 24", 12.8 pound fan was thrown onto the right field warning track as right fielder Jayson Werth pursued a fly ball into the corner.

"It was pretty clever," said a still-smiling Werth, as reporters gathered around his locker after the game. "Obviously, if it hit me or a real fan it would have been a different story. I was pretty focused on the ball and Shane [Victorino] yelled, 'Watch out.' And then, all of the sudden, this fan lands about 10 yards from me."

Werth played along after the game was halted, and, to the delight of the crowd, pretended to taser the disfigured cooling device as it lay in the red dirt in front of the padded outfield wall.

The Park's security is extremely concerned about the incident. Play was interrupted for almost 20 minutes as more than 25 security guards and police officers searched the seats for the culprit.

"At this time we are unsure of how a fan was able to conceal a large box fan and bring the device past security and into the stadium," said Steve Anderson, head of security for the Phillies. "Even if several fans brought individual pieces in and assembled the fan once inside, it would have been extremely difficult. These guys are good. In my expert opinion, it is unlikely their first time doing this."

Comcast SportsNet cameras caught Werth picking up the fan, and, after pretending to apprehend it, reading a note taped to the metal casing.

"I didn't realize there was a note on the fan at first," explained Werth, while taking the paper from his pocket. "It reads, 'Don't taze me because the high voltage of the taser could mess up my wiring, which could render me useless to someone during the hot summer months.'" (Police later confiscated the note from Werth.)

The fan, or fans, that threw the fan has not yet been found, but security personnel are examining the stadium's security tapes that were directed in the vicinity of the incident.

Notes: The Phillies said after the game that the team will auction off the fan and attached note at an upcoming charity event once the police no longer consider the device evidence. During the 9th inning, manager Charlie Manuel had the entire team sign the fan, which has made it more than difficult for police to locate a clean fingerprint.

Louisiana calls on Arizona Minutemen to protect coastline from approaching oil spill

Above: Minuteman Tom Dennisen of Flagstaff, AZ keeps watch along the Louisiana coastline for the Gulf's massive oil spill that is making its way toward the state's fragile shores. "If I see the oil, I'm suppose to call the Coast Guard. I don't have the authority to physically prevent any of the oil from covering beaches or wildlife," said Dennisen, while using air quotes and smiling mischievously. Several thousand Minutemen have made their way to state's bayous.

Senior chokes to death, as new volunteer neglects to remove wheels from meals

Bensalem, PA--A Meals on Wheels volunteer is being accused of failing to follow proper protocol when delivering meals for the nonprofit that is dedicated to senior nutrition. As a result, a 99-year-old senior, whose 100th birthday was tomorrow, choked to death around lunchtime yesterday.

"This is a tough day for all of us here at Meals On Wheels," said Donna Sparre, director of the organization's Philadelphia office, wearing tiel heels made from eels. "Just a sad, sad day."

Apparently, the first-time volunteer, Donna Summers, made two glaring mistakes during her visit to a Bensalem, PA assisted living home yesterday.

"As I was bringing the meal to the door, I got really confused and I couldn't remember if it was Wheels on Meals or Meals on Wheels," said Summers, the volunteer blamed for delivering the meal that ended the senior's life. "I mean, either way I'm suppose to remove the wheels, which I forgot to do. But that mistake is made much worse if the wheels are actually on top of the meals."

In 2002, the organization began placing miniature wheels, made from old car tires, under the meals being delivered as a reminder to the seniors as to who was providing the food. The Meals On Wheels Volunteer Handbook reads, "Between four and seven 3-inch diameter wheels are to be positioned under the meals upon delivery. The wheels are then to be collected and used again for a later delivery. Under no circumstances are the wheels to be placed on top of the meals."

Summers met with the family of the senior, whose name has yet to be released, late last evening. She explained that, yes, when she dropped off the food around 11:45 AM, the wheels were, without question, on top of and not under the meal, a clear violation of proper procedure.

"My mother was a fantastic person. We had a huge 100th birthday celebration planned for her on Saturday," said the senior's son. "She was getting up there in years, but she was totally with it. It surprises me that she didn't notice the wheels on top of the meal. I mean, she gets meals delivered four times a week."

Bensalem Police did report finding two large garbage bags full of wheels in the senior's apartment.

"This is not the first time the wheels were left behind, as she has two or three trash bags full of wheels in her sitting room closet," announced Officer Mary Wilson. "We do believe, however, it is the first time the wheels were left on top of the meals. None of the wheels in the bags have remnants of food."

At first, there were reports that the wheels were confused for donuts, but police have confirmed that the wheels were mixed in with the spaghetti, yesterday's lunch menu, "pretty thoroughly."

"[The wheels] were covered in tomato sauce and the noodles were wrapped around four of the seven wheels," said Officer Wilson. "There's a real good chance she thought they were meatballs, simply because the wheels were on top of the meal. Poor thing."

Sparre said that, despite this being the first such incident involving the miniature tires, she will be contacting the MOW's head office in Alexandria, VA about possibly discontinuing the use of the wheels or making them edible.

On Earth Day, coal mine loader driven by Sun

Shanxi, China--Coal dust drifts across the gray landscape several feet above the the identically-colored chunks that are amassed in piles below. Swirling in the wind, the particles are often carried long distances and, unknowingly, into the lungs of the cramped cities to the east. With the country constructing two coal-fired power plants per week, perhaps more, not many think of the world's most populous nation as a leader in green energy.

It is Earth Day 2010, and the occasion is celebrated in a very unusual way at one of China's numerous coal mines. For one day, several large, polluting pieces of equipment--loaders, bulldozers, dump trunks--are driven by Sun. This is quite a commitment and environmental statement from a company that bases its existence solely on what is widely considered the dirtiest of the fossil fuels.

In 2005, Sun arrived at Xeng Coal Inc. That is, a worker by the name of Kim Sun. Sun immigrated to China from North Korea and, though he hesitates to discuss details of his journey and background, does confirm that he started at the mine five years ago.

"Sun is a laborer. He picks up pieces of coal that have fallen from the trucks or he stands in the back of trucks to help guide the coal in from the loaders," said Hung Zhou, Sun's supervisor, through and interpreter. "On this day for the Earth, we like to see Sun drive the equipment."

On Earth Day, for the past five years, the coal company permits Sun, who has zero heavy equipment operating experience, to drive several of the bulky machinery pieces.

"He's crazy, that guy," said Bae Chin, a fellow Korean immigrant and loader operator at the mine, about Sun, also through an interpreter. "Sun drives my loader. Sun is bright. Sun can power this whole mine one day. Sun is clean. Sadly, coal is dirty and makes it difficult to stare directly at Sun."

"It's pretty funny," said Zhou. "Everyone gets a big kick out of seeing him drive the equipment. It's partly a reward to the other workers, by lightening the workplace mood for one day of the year, but also because of government regulations."

By letting Sun drive the equipment for one day, the company is able to meet the "extremely strict" environmental standards set by the government. When Sun climbs behind the wheel of a large loader, China can claim it is becoming more green with solar (or Sun) energy and making strides towards meeting the Kyoto environmental standards.

"We are very proud to be the only coal mine in China to use Sun to drive dirty diesel-powered equipment," said Zhou.

Guy who leads Iceland just flat out embarrassed

Island country places giant nicotine Patch on volcano, enormous ashtray in middle of ocean

Above: A giant nicotine patch has been placed on the side of the Iceland volcano that has been erupting for several days. The patch has not slowed the smoke, soot or ash.

Reykjavik, Iceland--The President of Iceland is thoroughly embarrassed about the volcano in his country that has been spewing smoke and ash into the atmosphere and creating global disruption for the past several days. The jet stream has carried volcanic debris over the Atlantic Ocean to Europe where it has practically brought the commercial airline industry of the continent to a halt.

"This is just so embarrassing," said President Olafur Ragnar Grimsson, pulling his suit jacket up over his face to conceal his identity. "I mean, you talk about the most embarrassing thing that could ever happen ... to anyone."

The Prime Minister of Norway, Jens Stoltenberg, has been stranded in Newark's Liberty International Airport for two days after a visit to the United Nations and has been growing more frustrated by the minute.

"I called Olafur [Iceland's President] and I was like what the hell is going on up there," said Stoltenberg, sitting next to several empty Auntie Anne's Pretzel bags and a mound of new cellphone covers. "He's pretty embarrassed, but that doesn't fix the fact that I had a whole ice fishing/cross-country skiing/ski jumping trip planned this weekend with some old college buddies. It's just rotten. How am I going to tell Lars Keggington, Dances with Kegs or Lillehammered that I won't be able to make it? Tell me that."

So ashamed is Iceland, that the small country has issued an "Ashtray Tax" and a "Patch Tax" on its just over 300,000 residents. The tax was used to construct and deliver an oversized ashtray to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and affix a large nicotine patch to the slopes of the volcano.

The ashtray, with a radius of 950 miles, was built last night and put in place this morning with the help of 500 military cargo helicopters borrowed from the United States and Canada. The patch was also placed using helicopters and, later, large pieces of Nicoderm gum were dropped inside the volcano. Nothing has worked.

At first, Grimsson called for all of Iceland's smokers, that were currently using the patch to quit, to donate their supply to the government for this extreme situation. The country's leaders quickly realized that this effort would not be enough to combat the volcano and outsourced the design and construction of a giant patch to nearby Greenland. These same leaders later admitted to watching the movie Patch Adams for ideas on how to build this powerful nicotine patch.

"Just when I thought we couldn't suffer any further embarrassment," said a distraught Grimsson. "We construct a ridiculously-oversized ashtray and patch and ... they don't even work. I picked the wrong week to quit smoking."

The ashtray, which broke away from its countless anchors soon after being positioned, appears to be on a collision course with Portugal.

"Finally, some good news," said Grimsson. "It's Portugal's problem now."

Portugal, which has one of the world's highest concentrations of cigarette smokers, does not appear to be concerned about the mass headed toward its shores.Above: A satellite photo of volcanic soot, ash and smoke carried by winds from Iceland over the Atlantic Ocean to Europe. Iceland has placed a giant ashtray in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, which has been a colossal failure.

Chicago Symphony Orchestra behind jersey misprint

Chicago,IL--The Chicago Symphony Orchestra (CSO) has claimed responsibility for Wednesday night's jersey spelling error in Houston.

On this night, the front of San Francisco Giants' outfielder Eugenio Velez's jersey read San Francicso. Until today, Majestic, the jersey supplier for Major League Baseball, was blamed for switching the "c" and the "s" at the end of San Francisco.

The switching of letters formed CSO, which, conveniently, matched the acronym for the Chicago Symphony Orchestra.

"We wanted to get the word out about CSO performances to Bay Area residents planning to follow the Giants to Chicago in September," said Barbara Di'Ambrose, a CSO official. "We paid Majestic a lot of money to pull the old switcheroo."

The Giants will be in Chicago to play the Cubs on September 21,22 and 23.

When asked why the "misprint" was done in Houston, five months before the Giants travel to Chicago, Di'Ambrose responded, "I don't know. I, uh ... really don't know. But, I'm certainly going to get to the bottom of this. I plan to question a certain cello player and a certain timpani player guy."

The Orchestra originally requested that every Giants' player wear a misprinted jersey on Wednesday night, however, Majestic felt the fall-out from such a perceived debacle would do the company much more harm than good, even after CSO took full responsibility.

This is not the first time the CSO, a highly respected and award-winning orchestra, has supported an unorthodox marketing campaign. In 2008, several television and radio ads were run in the greater Chicagoland area featuring numerous pianists jokes.

This morning, in an attempt steal some of the publicity, the Colorado Symphony Orchestra also took full responsibility for the incident in Houston, but, an hour later, rescinded the statement giving full credit to the Chicago music organization.

"We like to say that we are CSO, but the Chicago Symphony Orchestra is the real CSO. It was a desperate and weak attempt to bring Colorado's finest orchestra into the spotlight. I apologize on behalf of the Colorado Symphony Orchestra or, CoSO, as it will henceforth be known," said Darryl Livingston, Colorado's veteran conductor.

Rowers preparing for possible new neighbor

Above: A rendering of a proposed Schuylkill River oil rig just offshore from famous Boathouse Row. Under this plan, oil would be piped through the rowing houses to waiting trucks on Kelly Drive.

Philadelphia, PA--President Obama announced last week that his administration is planning to open areas along the Atlantic coastline to offshore drilling for both oil and natural gas. The administration also hinted that rivers flowing into the Atlantic Ocean, and select tributaries, would also be considered for off-riverbank drilling.

This, unfortunately, includes many rivers in the Philadelphia area. The region is filled with gently rolling waterways meandering through cities, small towns and open farmland.

One tributary, however, may be of particular interest to the Obama administration. In 1902, Frederick Von Vonder discovered oil just upstream from the Fairmount Water Works, by drilling--illegal in Fairmount Park--an undisclosed number of feet into the river's murky bottom. The oil was never brought to the surface because of strict park drilling and picnicking rules.

"Listen, we've known for years that there's oil under the Schuylkill River. I knew it. You knew it. Fredrick Von Von-something knew it. Even the thousands of joggers on the river trail knew it," said University of Phoenix head men's rowing coach, Mark Bradley. "It was just a matter of time."

A large oil drilling platform on the scenic river wouldn't happen, if it does at all, for at least two years. But, preparations and plans have quickly began to take form.

Some plans call for pipelines leaving the 200 ft-high platform to pass directly through the boathouses to waiting tanker trucks on Kelly Drive. These pipelines may force rowers to adjust accordingly when prepping shells, returning shells to storage or rowing beneath the pipes.

"I'm not sure why the pipelines have to pass through the boathouses," said Daniel Bettman, a Fairmount Park official. "It just seems like the pipes would get in the way of the rowers an awful lot."

It appears that interruptions from a new oil platform, however, would be minimal once the athletes were upstream.

"All of our regattas are held upstream," said Claire Dorrington, St Joseph's University women's assistant rowing coach. "So races will not be directly affected by the rig or pipes. I just don't think a rig fits in well with the historic boathouses."

Many others have echoed this concern about aesthetics, while some feel that a monstrosity like a semi-submersible rig could fit right in.

Rower David Baneau, with the help of a friend, hoisted a dripping shell onto the top of his black Hummer parked along Kelly Drive. "It's hot today. Shoulda brought my tan Hummer. My wife told me to bring the tan Hummer or the light tan Hummer. I should have listened or, at the very least, brought the white Hummer," he said squinting from the bright sun. "Hell, I've been rowing here for 22 years. An oil rig here could bring a hip new happening vibe to the row, and, if it means lower gas prices, than I don't see how you could be against it."

Buffer profiting heavily from 'Let's Get Ready to Rumble Strips'

Harrisburg, PA--Yes, that was Michael Buffer you just ran over. Well ... sort of. Iconic boxing announcer Michael Buffer has sold his likeness to the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania for a safety public awareness campaign.

The Philadelphia native has joined with the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation (PENNDOT) to help reduce speeding--a longtime problem, especially near tollbooths--on the state's extensive roadway network using rumble strips. The new traffic calming devices are appropriately called Let's Get Ready to Rumble Strips.

"It took quite a bit of taxpayer money to use Michael's image and catchphrase, but we think it will do wonders to slow vehicles down and, ultimately, save many lives," said Governor Ed Rendell, standing in front of a group of reporters near the entrance of the PA Turnpike's Kittatinny Tunnel.

Thus far, two Let's Get Ready to Rumble Strips have been installed near toll plazas on the Turnpike's Northeast Extension, and a faint and mumbled "Let's get ready to rumble" shout can be heard when vehicles pass over the raised lines at the posted speed.

"Motorists have to obey the posted speed or they will not hear Michael make is famous call," said Rendell. "Everybody wins with Let's Get Ready to Rumble Strips."

So popular are the new rumble strips that California, Florida, Nevada and New Jersey have contacted Buffer about possible installation. Buffer says that he may profit more from encouraging safe driving than he ever will as a boxing announcer.

City cracking down on unlicensed tour buses

With the peak tourist season just around the corner, the City of Philadelphia has begun to follow through on warnings issued last summer in the direction of unlicensed tour buses. It is estimated that between 15 and 25 illegally operated bus touring "companies" function on a daily basis from April through November.

Tourism--Philadelphia's staple is the the history kind--draws over 30 million visitors per year and generates nearly $25 million in economic impact for the metro area each day. Almost 90,000 jobs are indirectly or directly linked to tourism in the region.

Sites like the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall fall at the top of the list for these visitors and most would like to be shown the landmarks by a local tour guide, and even more, sit back and relax and take in the view by bus.

"I come to a new city and I just want to be shown the sites from a bus. You know, from afar," said Kyle Vernon, visiting from Atlanta, Ga. "I just want to kick back. You know what I mean?"

The Bureau of Tourism (BOT) realizes the popularity of tour buses and wants to assure patrons that the City's bus fleet is the safest that it can possibly be. This is why lawmakers stepped up a few decades ago.

The City requires that all bus sightseeing companies be registered with the BOT. This law, often called the Bus Franklin Law, was passed in 1976, when record numbers of tourists flooded Old City for the Bicentennial.

"During the spring of 1976, everyone and their mother attempted to claim some of the tourist money pouring into the city," said Valerie Stewart, a BOT official. "Old station wagons, pickup trucks, campers, large skateboards and you name it and they were giving tours of the city. In late May of '76 we passed the law and grabbed control of the situation."

The law was successful and virtually eliminated all underground touring, but as the City's popularity as a destination spot began to rise over the past several years, these unmarked buses have reemerged.

Licensed bus operators have been pushing the City for the last year to address the situation and enforce the 1976 law.

"We pay a large annual fee for the right to do business in Philadelphia," said Brian McMullen, a manager with Big Bus Tour Company. "It's not right that these renegade tour companies are avoiding fees and compromising the safety of tourists."

Some illegal buses have actually been altered, in an attempt to fool law enforcement, and are a hybrid of two or more vehicles. Several buses have been spotted with a passenger car attached to the front, and, as dangerous as it sounds, some have even attempted to venture into the water.

"Last September, I took a bus load of people into the water," explained Captain Terry, a Ride-the-Ducks tour guide and amphibious vehicle operator, "and I look to my left and there was an old school bus in the river, loaded with tourists, using plastic barrels to float. Is this safe?"

Many of the illegal bus operators deny any wrongdoing.

"I don't operate a tour bus," claimed Harry O'Brien, standing in front of his Fishtown row home. "Yes, I drive a bus around the city. Yes, I pick tourists up on the street. Yes, I charge them a fee. And, yes, I give them my thoughts on the city for one hour over an on-board intercom system. If that's a tour bus than arrest me."

Mattel vehemently denying plans to turn SS United States into 500 million miniature SS United States

Philadelphia, PA--One of the world’s largest toy makers, California-based Mattel Inc., issued a public statement earlier this week addressing rumors that have been swirling around the Delaware Valley and the toy industry for almost a month.

“We have no current plans to turn the SS United States, a treasure to the City of Brotherly Love and to the ship-loving world, into millions of toy boats,” said Mark Gortez, Mattel's vice president, standing behind a podium at the Penns's Landing Marriott. “We also have no business ties to a scrap metal company based in Asia. The idea, quite frankly, is comical and so we would like groups calling for the preservation of the ship to remain at ease."

Makers of Matchbox cars and Hot Wheels, the company has a strong hold on the miniature metal toy market and, if the SS United States rumors prove to, one day, be true, would only further secure their dominance. Most of these toys are made overseas in China.

Early last week, a well-known Chinese scrap metal company was spotted in South Philadelphia examining the SS United States, which has been docked in the shadows of the Walt Whitman Bridge since 1996. Company representatives made no attempt to conceal their identity as they disembarked extended white vans wearing bright orange windbreakers with the company’s world-famous trademark—Scrappy-Doo (yes, Scooby-Doo's cousin) turning the pages of a scrapbook titled 'Things Forgotten.'

Through an interpreter, the apparent leader of the assemblage attempted to explain the visit: “We are here in Philadelphia on vacation. We heard the SS United States was a hip and happening tourist attraction and that is why we are here. There is no other reason. If you think there is another reason, then you are false. Dead false.”

Interestingly, the ship is not open for tours now, nor has it been during its 14 years in the city, and so spotting the scrap company here has caused serious alarm among local residents wanting to save the ship.

When asked why the group was wearing company jackets, the man hurriedly corralled the other group members into the two waiting vans, slammed the side double doors, catching a colleague’s foot in the process, and then quickly drove away, stirring dust and leaving large tire marks in the mostly empty parking lot.

The company, Shanghai Scrap Metal & Things Inc., has worked closely with Mattel in the past to provide cheap metal for the company’s large line of miniature toys. Records show that in 1980, Shanghai purchased a beloved, historic cruise liner docked in Vancouver, Canada, towed the vessel to China, completed the scrapping process and sold the material to Mattel for well under market value. Mattel, who denies the connection, went on to make millions of toy BJ and the Bear Matchbox 18-wheelers (pictured at right) that were replicas of the rig from the popular television show of the time.

“We were given no warning that a scrap metal company was coming to view the ship,” said Gina Yothers, president of the SS United States Preservation Society. “Our goal is to preserve the history and integrity of the ship. The arrival of Shanghai can only spell doom. We need more time.”

Yothers was referring to more time for raising enough funds and awareness to help give a second life to the "gem." Possible plans for the ship include a casino, museum, shopping area, restaurants, set for new Love Boat television series and, ironically enough, a new headquarters for a Kensington scrap metal company. But, no savior has stepped forward as of yet, and time appears to be running short for the largest ship ever constructed in the United States.

Norwegian Cruise Lines currently owns the ship and, at one time, was considering retrofitting the Atlantic Ocean-crossing record holder and recommissioning it to its fleet. This idea was quelled by company executives sometime in the last year or two, who cited the alarming costs associated with such a restoration.

On Friday afternoon, several Norwegian Cruise Line vehicles were spotted at Mattel’s office complex in El Segundo. Mattel later said that several of the toy company’s executives were interested in “taking a cruise to Hawaii … and, not Shanghai.”

Gortez ended the Marriott press conference by saying, “Plus, even if this was our intention, wouldn’t it be a great way to pay tribute to the ship? Wouldn’t seeing millions of children worldwide, playing with really small versions of the ship, be a great way to memorialize it? Hypothetically speaking of course.”

NCAA tired of explaining to Coach Majerus that Selection Sunday has nothing to do with choosing ice cream

Indianapolis, IN--National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) officials are exasperated after dealing with Saint Louis University men's basketball head coach Rick Majerus, concerning Selection Sunday, for the 27th time.

"Every year around this time he shows up at the NCAA headquarters with a list of his favorite sundae toppings," said NCAA vice president, Daniel Rosenberg. "Mr Majerus, if you are listening, the NCAA Tournament selection day is Selection Sunday and not Selection Sundae. We will never choose 64 toppings ... instead of teams."

The coach acknowledges that he has a problem and that the second Sunday in March acts like a sort of trigger.

"I don't know ... I, ah ... I hear Selection Sunday and I just get light headed and all these images of gooey chocolate, m&m's smothered in Heath Bar pieces, peanut butter something-or-others spread on top, a dash of crumpled up Oreos, caramel doused in a caramel sauce, thousands of sprinkles, and some sort of Snicker-flavored butterscotch," said Majerus. "And the next thing I know I'm on a flight to Indianapolis. And the worst part is ... I don't even remember driving to the airport."

Stranded motorists harassed by rabid Center City jet ski gang

Above: A gang of jet skiers, known as the Rittenhouse Posse, harass a
stalled motorist on Delaware Ave on Saturday afternoon. Witnesses
could only watch as drivers were repeatedly splashed by racing jet skis.

Philadelphia, PA --Over five inches of heavy rain have fallen on the region since early Friday morning and forecasters are calling for more. Accompanying the weekend's nasty Nor'easter were hurricane-force winds and, with temperature highs hovering in the 50's, huge mounds of melting snow. The deadly combination has inundated the area's creeks, streams and rivers.

"There's just nowhere for all the water to go," explained Donna Higgins, a meteorologist from the State College, PA-based AccuWeather. "The ground is completely saturated. This is a meteorologists dream."

As a result, the region has experienced widespread flooding over the last several days, with some waterways still rising. Many roads were impassible after becoming extensions of nearby rivers and creeks. This puddling of water on the city's roadways has created an entirely new problem for motorists ... and police.

A gang, known locally as The Rittenhouse Posse, has been intimidating those most inconvenienced by the large amount of rainfall: stalled vehicles in the middle of flooded streets. This gang, however, uses a very unorthodox form of transportation, which has the Philadelphia Police Department at a complete loss at how to handle the situation. The getaway (and arrival) vehicle is a jet ski.

"We are somewhat familiar with this bad news crew," said Police Chief, Daniel Courtshire. "But, they usually keep to the City's two major rivers--the Schuylkill and the Delaware. But all this rain has given them access to the city street grid. We've got a real problem on our hands."

The gang will often ride close to large oil tankers coming up the Delaware River to dock at the Port of Philadelphia. Police have had difficulty apprehending the gang, but, admittedly, have shifted focus away from the renegade jet skiers because the "trouble" had been targeted at large cargo ships.

"I guess we kind of let them do their thing because we didn't feel like they were really hurting anyone. I mean, what could they do to a ship 800 times it's size?" said Courtshire. "Now, with the unprovoked harassment of City residents, we've got to put a stop to this."

With few leads, Police only know that the gang makes its home somewhere in the City's Rittenhouse neighborhood, as the group's name suggests. Where they dock the personal watercraft, on the other hand, is unknown. At the news conference, Chief Courtshire displayed the gang's sign--a twisting of the right hand that represents the motion of giving a jet ski more gas, followed by seventeen claps of the hands--to help the public identify the criminals.

The jet skiers will usually circle a stranded motorist in high water several times before beginning to spray the vehicle, often aiming at the driver, with their large wakes.

Police are asking motorists to stay in their vehicles if approached by a group of random jet skiers. There have been no reports of physical harm to drivers or passengers, however, a small number valuables have been carried away in a small dingy, trailing, what Police believe, to be the gang's leader.

"These flood waters can't recede fast enough," said a visibly frustrated Mayor Michael Nutter. "Please, if you get stranded, and a group of jet skiers comes out of nowhere and begins to circle your vehicle, stay inside and lock the door. They may not be friendly jet skiers."

Chile quake causes minimal damage to new Machu Picchu coaster

Visitors to Machu Picchu overlook construction of the new Pizarro's Bizarro Express roller coaster. The coaster sustained only minimal damage during the Chilean earthquake on Feb. 27.

Aguas Calientes, Peru--On February 27, Chile was rocked by an 8.8 magnitude earthquake that left unimaginable destruction once the shaking subsided. Seismologists have called the quake one of the largest ever recorded.

Chile's neighbor to the north, Peru, was mostly spared of any major damage. Immediately following the quake, however, the Peruvian government sent a team of historians and preservationists to assess the state of one of the country's--and the planet's--most irreplaceable treasures: Machu Pacchu.

The ancient Inca city that is nestled deep in the Andes Mountains is extremely fragile. Scientists familiar with the site have concluded that the city is slowly (centimeters per year) sliding down the side of the mountain. Obviously, an earthquake would not help Machu Picchu's situation, which is why experts keep such a close eye on the relic.

But, even more of a concern for these historians, is the condition of the new thrill ride being constructed directly on top of the city--a roller coaster that is expected to raise millions of dollars for the endangered city.

"A few of the wooden cross braces were dislodged," said historian, Edgar San Gutierrez, when asked if the new coaster's integrity was compromised by the ground movement. "It's nothing that a few nails and screws can't fix."

Special rubber, vibration-absorbing foundation soles were placed deep at the base of each coaster footing to limit the amount of damage caused by a large earthquake.

"We used the most advanced anti-vibration devices that technology has to offer," Gutierrez explained.

When asked if any of the ancient stone structures were affected Gutierrez explained that his team of historians would launch a thorough inspection "just as soon as we finish with the coaster."

The roller coaster, Pizarro's Bizarro Exress, named after Spanish conquistador Francisco Pizarro, is expected to open in early May in time for the peak tourist season. The minor damage caused by the quake, officials say, will not delay the planned opening of the ride.

"Please, don't worry. As I stand here before you, I will do everything in my power to make sure that Pizarro's Bizarro Exress will open on time for the North American and European summer," said preservationist, Stefani Antuay.

Machu Picchu is one of the western hemisphere's most popular tourist destinations. It is a magical place, transporting visitors to the 15th century with stunning panoramic views of the surrounding peaks. A city that was very successful in going undetected by invading conquistadors is not so successful at hiding today.

A little more than 400,000 visitors per year visit the site, while Niagara Falls welcomes over 20 million. The Peruvian site, however, is vastly different for a number of reasons.

It is human-made and situated within a rugged mountain chain, which can be very difficult to access. This keeps the number of visitors down, but so does the Peruvian government. Why limit the number of tourists--especially since there is a sizable park entrance fee--if money is so desperately needed to preserve the city?

The main reason is preservation. Machu Picchu officials desperately need to raise revenue without increasing the number of tourists--foot traffic causes the most damage to the city--or the entrance fee. The Peruvian government has placed a freeze on both of these figures for the next ten years.

Officials want visitors to spend money once they get inside the ancient city. Could small shops with marked-up trinkets increase revenue? Yes, but on a very small scale. The coaster will be the most expensive thrill ride in the world at $1,500 per ride. Officials wanted a high-priced item that would also deliver high-end satisfaction.

"We want visitors to feel like they are getting value for their money," said Antuay. "Trust me, there will be no roller coaster in the world comparable to this one."

The same scientists predicting the slow downward movement of the city say that the added weight of the new roller coaster is worth the risk to preserve the UNESCO World Heritage Site for future generations.

The wooden roller coaster, which was started last June, is approaching the final stages of construction, and, when finished, will run almost a half mile and reach speeds of 100 mph and heights of over 8,200 ft above sea level.

"This will be one bitchin' ride," said Doug Sizemore, archaeologist adviser to the roller coaster construction company and a member of the prestigious American Archaeologists and Regional Preservationists (AARP).

Machu Picchu will not bear any of the cost of the new roller coaster, as Texas-based Six Flags Amusement Parks has agreed to pay the full price of the ride in exchange for the right to choose the name of the ride. Six Flags said that Ponce de Leon's Fountain of Extreme Vertical Drops was also a finalist for the coaster's name despite the fact that the "explorer" never set foot in Peru.

"It will raise a lot of money to help preserve the city," said scientist, Maita Ayar. "It's not the prettiest addition, but Six Flags gave me a pass for the whole summer, so..."