CAP'N CRUNCH to feature commerative box once oil spill is permanently capped

Club Provocative refuses to have Carl Weatherstripping

Philadelphia, PA--Is actor Carl Weathers, who also played briefly in the NFL, desperate for cash? The 62-year-old actor, who has appeared in such hit films as Predator, The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang, the Rocky series and Happy Gilmore, says no and that his latest career move is aimed to help the environment. Help the environment? How can Carl Weathers stripping help the environment?

"No, no, no! Eliminate the space between Weathers and stripping, drop an 's' and you have your answer," Weathers said, laughing hysterically. "I will not, under any circumstances, be removing my clothes in front of an audience of ladies for marketing, charity or any other reason."

Carl Weatherstripping, Inc is the name of the actor's newest venture and aims to better protect homes and businesses from the elements, save energy, and, more importantly during the current financial crisis, reduce climate control bills for families and businesses. A reference to Weather's character in the Rocky movies, the product, which comes in multiple sizes, is lined with small caricatures of Apollo Creed punching the air with the slogan: "Punch out that cold or hot air."

The company will be based out of New Orleans, LA and will produce door and window insulation lining that can be used either during the construction phase or, for older structures, to close existing breaches in airy entryways.

"This stuff is great," said Weathers in a very serious tone, standing in front of posters showing the lab coat-wearing actor standing next to six scientists examining a piece of his weatherstripping, beakers boiling in the foreground with a blue substance spilling over the rims. "My home heating bills have plummeted since installing this stuff. My film viewing room has a lot of windows and was always very drafty. No more! Carl Weatherstripping has shut down the drafts. Punched them right out."

In town this week to promote this new brand of insulation, Weathers was spotted at a popular gentlemen's club, and rumors began to swirl that a special ladies night would be held as the main marketing event of the visit. The night, according to sources, would be called: Carl Weathers stripping for Carl Weatherstripping.

The owners of the region's "most important gentlemen's club" have issued a statement regarding Carl Weathers stripping. These owners felt the confusion that ensued after the club sighting of the star from the 1988 action film Action Jackson needed to be addressed.

"Carl WILL NOT be stripping to promote his new product at Club Provocative for a special ladies night," Roger Clifton said, one of the co-owners of the company. "Carl Weatherstripping is a fantastic product, however, Carl Weathers stripping is not. He signed autographs and gave the staff here a thorough demonstration of how effective the product is for sealing a home or business and reducing heating and cooling bills."

All Club Provocatives, the actual structures, have been going green in recent months. Three of the five sites have installed solar power, while two clubs, the Northeast not included, have reinsulated using the latest spray foam technology. All of the clubs have instituted strict recycling programs, even saving plastic #'s 3,4,5,6 and 7, materials not collected by the city or surrounding counties.

"Yes, we're committed to creating greener, more environmentally friendly clubs," said Dave Courtwright, manager of the Club Provocative in the city's Northeast section. "But, that being said, I'm not installing Carl weatherstripping here because its not good for business. It's just ... flat out not good for business. We will insulate with a generic, but top quality, brand of weatherstripping. I mean no disrespect to Carl, he's a great guy."

One club senior manager, who wanted to remain anonymous, said the actor's brand of weatherstripping was the best he had ever seen and that if the product was called, for example, Scantily Clad Ladies Weatherstripping, Club Provocative would be airtight.

BP's images of capped leak coming from set of Water World

Above: Crowds gather on the set of Water World to watch the Gulf "oil leak" be capped. The "capping" is repeated every half-hour for groups of tourists on the Universal Studio tour.

Universal City, CA--Every 30 minutes, tours at Universal Studios break into raucous cheers soon after settling into the cramped grandstand seats of Lot 21A, the set of Water World, the 1995 film starring Kevin Costner. The leftover, rusted metal in this fictional, floating world--a post-polar ice cap melting world-- is just as popular a destination today as it was 15 years ago.

Why the cheers? No, they're not for a half-naked, catamaran-riding Costner stunt double. They are for something much less steamy, yet much more relevant.

On cue, set crew members release a small amount of petroleum from an underwater "oil well," which quickly bubbles to the surface and dirties the already-dingy water. Crowds erupt with applause when the oil leak stops and a voice over the arena's intercom system announces: "The leak is fixed. Please, watch your step as you exit the theater at the bottom right. Universal Studios thanks you for visiting. Donations to help pay for the making of Water World are much appreciated."

BP began leasing the set of Water World only two days before the leak was "capped" last week, to film images of the "Gulf oil spill," which the company then released to the media and posted on its own website.

The company acknowledged that the 24-hour camera, positioned on the Deep Horizon oil spill, to keep the public up-to-date of the catastrophe, is actually being broadcast from the set of one of the most expensive (and disastrous) movies ever made--fitting for one of the most expensive oil disasters.

So serious is the company about putting the public at ease with encouraging, pleasing images, that they have purchased a movie clapboard in order to film multiple takes of the 'leak.' The capped well scenes are being captured by Moon Landing Productions, the same film company, that, you guessed it, shot the moon landing.

"It's a lot easier to film the leak here in sunny California on a set than in the deep, murky waters of the Gulf of Mexico," one BP official said. "Recreating and filming the 'leak' here has made it much, much easier to fix. I am much more relaxed when I watch the video of the 'spill' online now. We hope to have a permanent solution by early August ... that is, for the California 'leak.'"

"There are no storms to deal with or pesky wildlife. I think I may stay in California after this is all over," said Roger S., a deep sea diver with the Iowa Diving Company, one of the diving contractors originally working off the coast of Louisiana. "Though the Gulf oil leak is too deep for divers, the studio 'well' is only two feet below the surface. As a result, we had to make some adjustments to create a deep sea setting."

Among those adjustments were making the water a bit murkier, to prevent light from passing through easily, a common characteristic of deep ocean water.

Why all the effort to move to southern California? The energy company was looking to cut costs on the cleanup, and, by moving the repair operations to Universal Studios, will save nearly one billion dollars. The studio is also paying BP a small fee for simulating an oil spill for each tour group.

"I told BP that even though they were leasing the set--actually, only a small underwater space--it would still be part of Universal Studio tours," said Dana Gilbright, a Universal spokeswoman. "That's when BP came up with the idea of staging a fixed oil leak every half-hour. The tourists seem to really love it."

Above: A "leaked" photo from the set of a California movie studio where crews are recreating the Gulf oil spill. "My mind is much more at ease knowing that the well images are coming from a studio," said one BP official.

Lebron's 'Decision' show to become part of ABC's fall lineup

New York, NY--The Walt Disney Company, which owns both ABC and ESPN television networks, was thrilled with the ratings for NBA superstar LeBron James' hour-long free agency decision show. So much so that ABC has signed the show to a long-term deal--at least, long-term for a new show.

It has been estimated, by Philadelphia based Cooper-Sinclair Ratings, Inc, that for every 10 households watching tv last Thursday, 8.7 were tuned in to ESPN to learn of the "King's" future team.

The show will become part of the network's Thursday night lineup in an effort to challenge NBC's current dominance over one of tv's most popular viewing nights. LeBron's Decision, as the show will be called, will be an hour-long program focusing on one or two choices, large or small, facing mega-star.

"What will LeBron have for dinner on the flight home from Salt Lake City?" asked ABC executive Paul Lizmore. "I don't know, but I'm certainly going to tune in on Thursdays at 9 PM to find out. He has to make a decision about what in-flight meal he'll have and ABC will be there when does. Will he put the tray table down or decide to leave it up? But it's not just a show on what food he'll eat or how far back he'll put his seat."

Lizmore confirmed that this is an all-access show. There are no limits, as the network will have 24-hour access to James five days a week. If James is unavailable, however, a friend or family member will be the subject of the show for that particular week.

It's possible that one episode could be entirely about what type of orthodics the small forward chooses to wear, if he chooses to wear any at all. When a buddy calls and asks for a ride, will LeBron choose to go pick up the friend, who may or may not be waiting in the rain somewhere, or will he continue to play Wii for another hour or so?

"I thought the show last Thursday went really well," said a goggle-wearing James, while taking a break from riding the Miami Heat's team swamp boat in Everglade National Park. "ABC approached me about possibly continuing the show in the fall. I decided to make a 20 episode commitment. This is going to be a blast. So, tune in America. Will I put mustard or ketchup on that hot dog? Gotta tune in to find out."

World Cup: Wawa regretting World Cup ad campaign

Wawa, PA--A year ago, six Wawa executives sat in a sun-drenched conference room inside the convenience store's headquarters and pondered a very risky move for the privately owned company. Only weeks before, the ambitious marketing department presented to the executives the idea of advertising Wawa at the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

"I remembered reading an article in the New York Times about how the World Cup has billions of viewers over the course of the tournament," said Sally Hollins, a Wawa marketing representative. "I remember thinking, 'That many people like soccer? Isn't that the one where you can't use your hands?' With viewership like that, we should advertise there."

Five of the six big wigs that day were thoroughly impressed with the idea of international exposure, which was enough for approval. "Wawa is a Mid-Atlantic convenience and gasoline store," said board member Reese Johnson, sitting, arms folded, with a ham and turkey shorti hoagie before him. "We don't operate internationally. These ads were, for the most part, directed at people who don't even have access to Wawa's. They couldn't shop there even if they wanted to. I was adamant that advertising at the World Cup was not fiscally wise. Let's expand in the U.S. before overseas."

The company paid $57 million to have a midfield, sideline electronic billboard advertisement appear during each of the 64 globally televised matches played all across South Africa's packed stadiums. During the final match alone, between Spain and the Netherlands, the Wawa ad was seen by an estimated 750 million people worldwide.

"After we sent the order form in, along with the $57 million check, we get a call from the marketing organizers in South Africa asking who we were and what our company did," laughed Ron Dempster, Wawa's head of marketing. "They had no idea who we were. The guy didn't even know what a hoagie was. I had to spell hoagie for him. But, damn it, I told him the whole world will soon know what a hoagie is. By God, if it's the last thing I do, the world will know what a hoagie is."

Wawa currently operates hundreds of stores in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland and Virginia. With the massive-scale exposure that the World Cup provides, the company was forging plans to open a food-only store in Durban, South Africa and a yet-to-be-determined site in Ghana.

"The World Cup only occurs every 3 or 4 years," said Dempster. "This was a golden opportunity for Wawa. I feel like we can now set our sights on big markets, such as Paris, London or Berlin to open our first international store that serves gas. Europeans love their cars, I would say, even more so than Americans. There is a love affair with big, oversized cars on that continent."

Wawa has been aggressively closing its stores that do not sell gasoline, usually located in cities or towns where space is limited, in favor of wide open suburbia, where some mega-stores offer parking for fifty or more cars and feature 40 fuel pumps.

Marketing directors for the World Cup, based in Johannesburg, reported little outside interest in the convenience store company as the ads appeared at the edge of the pitch through group play. This changed dramatically, however, once the elimination round commenced.

"The phone didn't stop ringing during the round of 16," said Scott Van Silj, the South African director of marketing for FIFA, about Wawa inquiries. "People wanted to know what Wawa was. What did they do? Did they have a field office in Mumbai? Do they deliver whatever they make or do to Bolivia? What language was Wawa? How do you spell Wawa? Do they design buildings? Did you say hoagie? The Wawa website has been blocked in my county, what can I do?"

Before the ads began showing in South Africa, most of the company's higher-ups felt this campaign would be the best thing for the business since touch screen ordering arrived in 1999. "Perhaps that $57 million could have been better utilized. Like, maybe, reintroducing mini Pizza Huts and Taco Bells into all of our stores," said one anonymous store manager.

World Cup: FIFA to fine player for sleeveless shirt

Above: Spain's Andres Iniesta celebrates the most important goal in the nation's history, which secured a 1-0 win over the Netherlands to capture the FIFA World Cup on Sunday. The celebration, however, will cost the midfielder. After scoring the goal, Iniesta removed his jersey, thereby exposing a sleeveless shirt beneath with the message: "This Shirt Has No Sleeves." FIFA, soccer's governing body, has a strict no sleeveless shirt policy for all players involved in international competition. It is likely that Iniesta will receive a yellow card for the stunt and be forced to pay a sizable fine. "I wanted to show FIFA that shirts with no sleeves are really not all that bad. I guess I pushed it a bit by taunting them with a written message," said a quiet Iniesta.

World Cup: Spain's Prime Minister promises to release bulls into streets if team wins ... or loses

Madrid, Spain--Spain's Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero stood before a throng of Spanish soccer supporters on Saturday morning in famous Plaza Mayor and sarcastically pleaded with the crowds to celebrate responsibly should the country capture the coveted golden trophy on Sunday night.

"Hey, Coors Light wants me to remind you guys to drink responsibly," said a smiling Zapatero, wearing a David Villa jersey, to the estimated 25,000 backers, who all laughed at the idea of thinking before drinking. "Yeah, Spain's had a designated driver since June 11."

From the coast of the Mediterranean to the Bay of Biscay, this soccer-mad country has come to a halt since the national team beat Germany on Wednesday to advance to their first-ever World Cup Final--a fact difficult to fathom given the rich football tradition in this Iberian peninsula nation.

"This has been a wonderful time for Spain," said Prime Minister Zapatero. "We are one win away from complete pandemonium. I mean, crazy, serious pandemonium. I mean scary pandemonium."

Plazas all over the country from Alicante to A Coruna have turned into massive viewing areas for each game of the 2010 FIFA World Cup. These plazas and connecting, often winding streets could become even more rowdy--if that is even possible--in the next few days.

The Spanish leader explained: "I had this idea the other night. It's kind of crazy, but hear me out. What if we round up thousands of sharp-horned, massive bulls and, stay with me, released them into the streets of Spain's cities and towns. People would have to dodge them and run from them and it could be a really great time or a really terrible time. I don't know if it's ever been done, but let's give it a try. It sounds fun. It could become a tradition or something. I promise to let bulls run wild through the streets whether we win or lose on Sunday."

Spain is widely known for bull fighting, but has never let these same red-seeking bulls run haphazardly through the streets of any of the nation's picturesque towns.

"Letting bulls run through the streets unsupervised could have deadly repercussions," said Juan Hernandez, one of Spain's most well-known bull fighters who retired in 1999. "It's never been done before. It's an idea that is a little bit ludicrous."

World Cup: Japan, North Korea, South Korea, offended by yellow cards

Sleepy's finally yields to pressure, changes ad jingle by bitter ex-husband

Bethpage, NY--Apparently, the Mattress Professionals are not marketing professionals. Sleepy's mattress and bedding store launched a radio and television ad campaign that included the controversial musical slogan: "Trust the Mattress Professionals doing it right. Trust Sleepy's, but don't trust your wife."

The jingle caused a major public outcry demanding the ads be altered or removed from the airwaves. The chain, with stores in the northeast, has experienced an increase in sales since first airing the commercials, which, the company denies, is the reason behind the delays in implementing changes.

Several organizations launched retaliatory words in response to the radio spots. Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) called the ads "despicable." Daughters Against Drunk Driving (DADD) said, "We feel the same way that MADD feels about the ads. What did MADD say about the ads?"

"Wow! We screwed up. We, er, I, take full responsibility and have corrected the situation. I was upset, I guess," said Bill Hagers, the Sleepy's marketing executive responsible for the tune, who, admittedly, recently went through a nasty divorce. "I will get to see the kids on weekends, though. I really didn't want the Hampton house. Oh, who am I kidding, I loved that house. That house had the best mattresses."

The new jingle, "Trust the Mattress Professionals doing it right. Trust Sleepy's: ba da ba ba ba, I'm lovin' this comfortable thing," should replace the old ads by Thanksgiving.

Report: Cast of Diff'rent Strokes bullied Gooch into attending Coleman funeral

Provo, UT--At the funeral last month for Gary Coleman, the actor best known for his role as Arnold Jackson on the hit television show Diff'rent Strokes, former cast members of the sitcom gathered to pay their respects to the one-time child star.

One cast member that decided to make an appearance, however, had the gathered masses in absolute shock.

Arnold Jackson's former nemesis on the show, the local school's bully, known as the Gooch, decided to finally make peace with Coleman by traveling across the country to Utah. It was the first public appearance for the Gooch since the show ended in 1986.

The Gooch, who never appeared on screen, was played by Steven Gooch (pictured below, right) of Athens, GA. Off camera the two were as unfriendly to each other as their characters on the show.

"It's no secret," said the Gooch. "Gary and I didn't get along in front of or behind the camera. It was what it was. But, I will say this: I always respected his energy on the show."

Asked to comment on reports that the two had attempted a reconciliation in the past, the Gooch, as he prefers to be called, said there was talk of a truce in 1996, but it never materialized.

"They were supposed to meet under the Arch in St Louis, in the middle of the country, you know, neutral territory," recalled actor Conrad Bain, who played Phillip Drummond on the show. "To my knowledge, Gary never showed up. Or maybe neither of them showed. I don't know. This onion dip is fantastic, though."

At the conclusion of the funeral, the Gooch, who owns and operates 5 Denny's Restaurants in Georgia and South Carolina, made no effort to talk with the very cast members that pressured him into coming to Utah in the first place. Instead, the small screen bully, donning dark sunglasses and a white leather trench coat, was whisked away by his own private security entourage and into a waiting limousine.

Todd Bridges, who played Diff'rent Strokes' Willis Jackson, was pleased to see that the Gooch showed up to the funeral and that "apparently he got Conrad's and my message." Bridges would not go into detail about the message, but said that a horse's head was involved.

Staples Center Director to be charged for dropping staples with confetti after Lakers' victory

Los Angeles, CA--On June 17 at the Staples Center, the Lakers captured their 16th NBA title by beating the Boston Celtics in a hard fought seven-game series.

Following the series-clinching victory, an 83-79 come-from-behind rally, confetti began to rain from the rafters in Laker purple, gold and white. Mixed in with the floating, twisting paper, however, were metal staples--an unusual ingredient when recognizing a championship.

Several players and hundreds of fans reported injuries from the paper fasteners soon after the on-court celebration began. Some staples fell with such force that they became lodged in the wood basketball court.

Jack Nicholson was later taken to a local hospital to have over 10,000 staples removed from his back and arms, which were raised to protect his head. "It wasn't pleasant, but it gave me a great idea for a movie," said the actor several days later.

Staples Inc., the office supply store, purchased the naming rights to the Lakers' home arena soon before its completion in 1999. It is believed that the company had no prior knowledge that staples would be part of the arena's post game revelry.

The arena's director, Vance Smithton, 52, is now being charged with over 900 counts of reckless endangerment. It is believed that Smithton came up with the idea to drop staples as a marketing stunt for the office company only days before game seven. Staples Inc. or arena employees did not become alarmed or suspicious when the director ordered 50,000 boxes of staples. (Staples Inc. provides free office supplies to the arena.)

"I really miscalculated this one," said Smithton, before being lightly shoved into the back of an LAPD police car parked in front of the Staples Center. "I just thought dropping staples at Staples Center would be cool. It makes sense. Am I right? Go Clippers."

Struggling Indianapolis 500 to be held at Churchhill Downs, horses to replace cars, will be called Kentucky Derby

Louisville, KY--A group of board members from the Indianapolis 500 and the Indianapolis Motor Speedway gathered at the main entrance to the grandstands of Churchill Downs early yesterday morning, dew still covering the nearby infield grass, to announce some "minor" changes to, what at one time, was one of the world's most famous automobile races.

The Indy car race, which struggles to stay relevant these days, along with the Indy Series, is held every Memorial Day weekend each year, will be moving about 115 miles to the south, across the state line, to Kentucky beginning in 2011. Gone will be the Indy cars. Gone will be the name. And gone will be the entire race from the city of Indianapolis and the state of Indiana

"We're not canceling the Indianapolis 500. I want that to be clear. We're tweaking it," said Bart Antonelli, the historic race's director, trying his best to keep the mood light. "I really wanted to keep the race in Indianapolis, but it just wasn't in the cars ... er, cards. By holding the race in Kentucky, we're saving the race and all of the tradition that goes along with it. Louisville is only a 2-hour drive from Indianapolis."

When asked about replacing the cars with horses, Antonelli became short with a reporter, saying the question was irrelevant. Many have pointed to the extremely low television ratings of the race as the reason behind the changes, but the race's organizers were quick to dismiss this misnomer.

"The race is doing fine, but it won't be called the Indianapolis 500 at Churchhill Downs. Indianapolis or 500 will not be part of the title at all. It will simply be called the Kentucky Derby," said Antonelli. "Fans will not be able to tell the difference because the Indianapolis 500 will be the Kentucky Derby. Is everyone following me? I feel like I'm losing some people here."

Asked if the "auto" race will still be held over Memorial Day weekend, the board, nodding as if thanking the journalist for the reminder, informed the gathered media that it will now be held on the first Saturday in May. This is the day that the Kentucky Derby is currently held. "See," said Antonelli, about the identical dates and start times. "You won't be able to tell the difference."

East Coast Restaurant Owners Breathe Sigh of Relief as Mexico Soccer Plays Between Meals

Boston, MA--Harry McNulty sported a broad smile as he sat at the bar holding a frosted glass of Samuel Adams Summer Ale. The owner of Tullimore's Grill, a neighborhood gastropub only three blocks from the Boston Common, was seated next to Carlos Gutierrez, 21, a cook at the restaurant since coming the United States nearly two years ago.

McNulty was also joined on the unusually high stools by other members of the kitchen staff including Edgar Humberto, Hugo Martin, Justino Hernandez and Jesus Mercedes, all hailing from, like Gutierrez, the Mexican state of Puebla. The men were staring at the high definition flat screen television mounted above the bar with sweating bottles of untouched, lime-capped Coronas standing before them.

"We were freaking out a little," said Marcus O'Leary, a bartender originally from Cork, Ireland. "We didn't know who would be coming in today."

The bartender's--and the owner's--concern was based on what was being shown on the perfectly clear image beaming from the elevated screen. Two soccer powerhouses, Mexico and Argentina, were squaring off in a round of 16 World Cup game at 2:30 PM ET.

"When the schedule came out," said McNulty, standing with one arm around an uncomfortable Gutierrez, "I was pretty relieved that Mexico's game fell between lunch and dinner. Wasn't I Carl? I mean, we draw a pretty good crowd on Sundays. Carl loves soccer."

Just about all of the kitchen staff outright confessed that the game would come first and, had the match been played during a busy meal time, would unfortunately be "sick around a yet to be determined time." McNulty, in appreciation of the staff''s hard work and commitment, treated the workers to an open bar and an all-you-can-eat lunch with front row seats at the bar to watch their beloved El Tri --Mexico's national soccer team.

"I would have come in," laughed Mercedes, as his coworkers razzed him for kissing up to the boss, who was within earshot. "No, I really would have. Mexico always disappoints in the Copa Mundial [World Cup]."

Apparently, many restaurants up and down the east coast imitated McNulty's gesture and invited staff to watch the game on the establishments' televisions or brought in tv's if none were on site.

Other cities, particularly in the Mountain and Pacific time zones, reported virtual shutdowns of the restaurant industry, as the game started at 12:30 PM and 11:30 AM, respectively.

The Denver metro area may have been the hardest hit where it was estimated that over 5,000 restaurant employees called in "sick" just before the opening tap. Phoenix and Los Angeles each estimated the number of absent workers was close to 3,000. Even Chicago, located in the Central time zone, where the game started at 1:30 PM, experienced the effects of the soccer-mad nation to the south.

As the game was winding down, Argentina was well in command holding a 3-1 lead over Mexico. Mercedes, still seated at the lightly crowded Tullimore bar alongside his countrymen, reached over and tapped a slouching Martin on the shoulder. "See, they always disappoint. But hold your head high my friend because it's only four more years until they disappoint again."

At the conclusion of the game, McNulty jumped from his stool, clapped and yelled loudly, indicating "fun time" was over, cleared away the workers unfinished food and drinks and quickly shuffled the sullen workers back into the kitchen. "Thank heaven," said an elated McNulty, now seated at the bar by himself sipping a pint of Guinness. "I don't have to see or talk to those guys, or watch soccer, for four more years."

Inexperienced Honduras attempts shin guard exchange following game

Above: Spain's David Villa, left, is unsure why Honduras' Amado Guevara is offering his sweaty shin guard following a World Cup game in Johannesburg, South Africa. Tradition usually calls for an exchange of jerseys at the conclusion of a match; however, this is only Honduras' second-ever World Cup appearance and first since 1982. "After our first game, many of the players attempted to exchange shoe laces with the Chilean players, who appeared extremely confused," said Guevara, referring to a 1-0 loss on June 16 against the narrow, mountainous South American country. "The Chileans told us that shin guards, and not shoe laces, were normally exchanged after a game. It's a hazing thing I guess. We're the new guys."

Scoreboard operator taken to hospital as Portuagal scores seven goals

Cape Town, South Africa--The soccer match between Portugal and North Korea earlier today turned into a lopsided, record-setting victory for the European team. Portugal prevailed, 7-0, making a strong statement not only to the rest of Group G but to the entire World Cup field.

Forgotten during this impressive display of offense was the only reported injury from the game. An injury that occurred high above the field.

Green Point Stadium's scoreboard controller, Marc Jensen, 28, of Bellville, South Africa was taken to Cape Hospital shortly after Portugal scored its fourth goal. Doctors expect Jensen to make a full recovery mentally, but feel it is highly unlikely that he will ever walk again. His days of working soccer scoreboards may be over.

"This was pretty traumatic for Marc," said Doctor Sven Thompson at a press conference in the hospital's lobby. "That flurry of goals at the start of the 2nd half was unlike anything he had ever seen. He's a warrior, though, so I wouldn't be surprised if he battles back to the booth one day."

Jensen had risen through the competitive ranks of scoreboard operating rather quickly. He became the youngest operator in South Africa at the age of 25 and was named Scoreboard Operator of the Year in 2008 by FIFA.

"This was his first World Cup," said Don Van Honen, Jensen's longtime mentor. "He's just a kid. After Portugal scored their third goal he contacted me by walkie talkie. He said,'Don, I've never seen a team score more than two goals. What do I do? Get up here. Quick!' He was so scared. By the time I made it to the booth he was passed out on the floor. There was urine everywhere."

Jensen's Facebook page displays pictures of him diving with great white sharks off the coast of South Africa, base jumping, skydiving and climbing steep mountain faces. "This was just too much for him," said Steph Jensen, Marc's mother, about seven goals in a soccer game. "Just too damn much."

Soda Tax out, but Soda Tacks ... could be in

Philadelphia, PA--The controversial Soda Tax essentially died a few weeks ago, as City Council passed a budget without including a tax on the sweetened beverages. Many laughed at the idea saying a tax on soda is like "a tax on Sprite or Coke or any other kind of soda."

The beverage tax was aimed not only to raise desperately needed revenue for the city, but also reduce the consumption of sugary drinks that overwhelmingly contribute to the nation's--and the City's-- childhood obesity epidemic.

"Obesity is a major problem in this country," said Dr Jim Bartolo, a nutrition doctor at Pennsylvania Hospital in Center City. "I commend Philadelphia for taking a stand against the soft drink giants. At least [Mayor] Nutter tried."

And, according to sources within City Hall, the Mayor is about to try again, this time with the Soda Tacks Bill. The Bill, which could possibly be introduced as early as Monday, appears to have strong support within City Council.

Under the Soda Tacks, sharp, metal thumb tacks would be systematically placed on top of, on the sides of and occasionally inside cans and bottles of soda that are bottled, packaged and sold in Philadelphia County. If the Soda Tacks passes, bottling companies would be required, by law, to participate in the placement of tacks, that will feature the City's seal, on all sodas.

"Obviously, we're going to lose a few people along the way," said Councilwoman Debra Sizemore about the placement of loose tacks inside cans and bottles. "It's unfortunate but very necessary if we really want to curb our City's consumption of soft drinks."

"Our hope is that residents of Philadelphia will be so frightened to drink soda that their consumption of the beverage will plummet," said Tom Billinger, president of No Duh, Soda, a group that encourages children to drink more ice tea and Gatorade. "Imagine for a minute an unsuspecting young child attempting to grab a can of soda and instead suffering multiple shallow cuts to the hand. That could be their last soda. This is a brilliant Bill ... just brilliant."

Some viewed the Soda Tacks in a different light. "This is going to create so many jobs for the city," said one state representative who wanted to remain anonymous. "It will require lots of manpower to fasten all of these tacks to the sides of cans. This is exciting."

Soft drink companies have been surprisingly receptive to the Soda Tacks. Though vehemently against the Soda Tax, the companies believe their customers are so addicted to their product that no matter how sharp the metal tacks on a can, they will keep coming back for more. They were much less certain about the relationship between loyalty and a price increase on the product.

"We think this may actually increase soda consumption," said one soft drink bottling representative. "Drinking soda will be considered dangerous and hip. 'Did you see Steve? He was drinking soda today. We have to be like Steve. Let's go get several cases of soda.'"

Either way, Philadelphia will quickly find out how the Soda Tacks, if passed, affects consumption of one of the planet's most popular drinks.

ABC, ESPN still hoping Michael Phelps is added to U.S. Men's Soccer Team

New York, NY--ABC and ESPN, the two television networks broadcasting the World Cup in the United States, firmly believe that the highly decorated Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps can play defense or midfield for the U.S. men's soccer team. "Have you seen this guy swim?" asked one ABC executive to a group of reporters at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel. "We think he can take that swimming skill and add a ball and maybe take away some of the water and put some spikes on and some shin guard things and be a great soccer-ball-kicker-player guy." Phelps says he would play if added to the roster, but would like to wear his popular swimming goggles. Both networks would also prefer the swimmer wear his signature Speedo both on the field and on the bench during the month-long tournament being held in South Africa.

D-Day vet: 'Chunnel would have really come in handy.'

Dover, United Kingdom--Last week, the 66th anniversary of the largest amphibious invasion in history was remembered. Had a certain underwater tunnel existed at the time, ships and other watercraft could have been left in port.

On May 6, 1994 the Channel Tunnel, or Chunnel, opened under the English Channel, finally connecting Great Britain to the European continent. The opening was one month short of fifty years after the June 6, 1944 D-Day invasion of France by the Allied forces during World War II.

The concept for a tunnel beneath the English Channel has roots dating back to the time of Napolean Bonaparte, who, it is widely believed, was a staunch supporter of the idea.

"It's no secret that many lives would have been saved had the Chunnel been around in 1944," said WWII veteran Sargent Tom Peters of the 103rd Airborne Division. "The Chunnel would have made D-Day a pleasure. We literally could have walked to France."

Walking the nearly 32-mile tunnel would have taken a lot out of the Allied troops. It is more probable that the nearly 160,000 soldiers involved in the operation that day would have used trains and troop transport vehicles. Although, concerns over echoing machinery noise, possibly alerting the enemy, may have required the latter portion of the trip to be made on foot.

Some experts feel that the Germans would have been closely watching the Chunnel, had it existed, which would have made its use nearly impossible by the Allies. Others were not so sure. "The Germans would have had maybe one ore two soldiers watching the Channel Tunnel," said Dr Hal Fitzsimmons, an Oxford University military history professor. "Using the Chunnel would have been too obvious. The Germans would have amassed troops elsewhere."

There is little doubt, however, that the estimated 10,000 casualties over the course of the invasion would have been drastically reduced had the water landings been substituted by a Chunnel landing.

"Damn! It took us hours and hours to cross the choppy Channel that day 66 years ago," recalled Don Gilbert, 88, an American soldier who landed on Utah Beach in Normandy. "Traveling from London to Calais, France while on a trip last year took me 54 minutes on the Eurostar train and the only bombs that were dropping were coming from the guy eating the fish and chips in front of me."

Lack of Uno restaurants forces visiting Blackhawks fans to reluctantly gather in Center City T.G.I. Fridays

Philadelphia, PA--Blackhawks fans visiting Philadelphia and Chicag0land transplants living in the Place that Loves You Back, were extremely upset even before Claude Giroux tipped an overtime goal past Antti Niemi for the Flyers' first win of the series.

Upset because of bad referee calls? No. Upset because of unruly Flyers fans? No. Upset that they put some sort of bratwurst topping on a cheesesteak? Yes, probably, but that's not it. What then? No Uno. No what-o?

Many Chicago fans in town for the Stanley Cup Finals, most making the journey without tickets, admitted to just assuming there was an Uno Chicago Grill in downtown Philadelphia where they could link up with other 'Hawks fans headed east. There is one Uno franchise location within the city's limits, however, it is in the Northeast section of the city, some 15 miles from City Hall.

Three friends, all visiting from Aurora, IL, reluctantly gathered last night in the nearly empty, circa 1985 T.G.I. Friday's along the Benjamin Franklin Parkway for the crucial playoff game. Tom Higgins, 45, the trip organizer, wanted to be close to his beloved hockey team and follow the Western Conference champions on the road. Clad in red Blackhawk's jerseys, the three men stared straight ahead nursing half-empty beers, not really watching the game and not speaking to one another since learning that their favorite deep dish pizza chain is absent from the heart of Philadelphia.

"Yeah, we ordered the Tuscan Spinach Dip," answered Higgins in a sarcastic tone when asked if the untouched appetizer sitting in front of the University of Wisconsin graduates belonged to the group. "It's a freakin' sweet app. I'm kind of out of it right now, forgive me, but I think we have an order of Sesame Jack Chicken Strips coming as well. Yippee."

The dearth of the pizza chain restaurants in this city was absolutely shocking to some Windy City fans.

"Philly is a great city," said Debra Smith, 34, of Skokie, IL, standing with her husband Gary in front of Independence Hall. "We've seen all the historic sites these last two days and the food here is unbelievable. But, then we asked our hotel's concierge where the local Uno Chicago Grill is--you know, to connect with other Chicago fans--and he said there isn't one close by. I began to have a panic attack because the game was only 20 minutes from starting. In Chicago, there's an Uno restaurant within a 15 minute walk from any point in the city."

Midwestern Fans known for their passion and general good manners, but not so much for an in-your-face attitude, vented obvious frustration. "This is a bunch of rotten bratwursts," shouted Dan Henski at nobody in particular, a Blackhawk fan from Chicago's Wrigleyville neighborhood. "Every city in the world has an Uno Chicago Grill downtown, except for maybe Nashville. This ain't no real city. I'm so upset that I could just reverse the flow of the Chicago River when I get back home. I swear I'll do it."

One group of 'Hawks fans, staying at several different hotels and who crossed paths at the famous Mutter Museum earlier in the day, pitched in for a 9-mile cab ride to Deptford, NJ, the closest Uno location to Center City. Another group staying at the Old City Marriott opted to rent a van and make their way to Conshohocken, a 13-mile trip west on the Schuylkill Expressway.

"Going to the Garden State wasn't in the plans, but we love our 'Hawks. Plus, my doctor says I'm not really suppose to go more than 48 hours without having deep dish pizza. No, really, I'm serious. It's been eight years since I've gone more than two days without my deep dish," said Dan O'Reilly, 47, of Evanston, IL.

So, local Uno locations in Conshohocken, Deptford, Newtown Square, Maple Shade and the Northeast, prepare yourselves for an invasion of Chicago-accented hockey enthusiasts supporting their team while visiting the Suburbs of Brotherly Love deep dish.

Guatemala City McDonald's open for business despite sizable sinkhole

Owner denies having playland in front of restaurant

Stanley Cup Finals: Will Chicago's wind play a factor?

Flyers use swamp boats in practice to simulate windy conditions

The Flyers walk the concourse of Chicago's United Center in brand new, wind resistant hooded sweatshirts. The team got lost in the arena's cavernous halls before eventually finding the media room for a press conference.

Chicago, IL--The Philadelphia Flyers last played a game against the Blackhawks in Chicago's United Center on December 26, 2008. The game was not even close as the home team convincingly won, 5-1, over the visiting Orange and Black.

"The only thing I can remember about that game was the wind," said Flyers' left winger, Simon Gagne. "We just were not accustomed to the wind coming in off of Lake Michigan. To get a shot on goal, you had to aim five feet to the side of the net."

Eastern Conference teams do not play in every Western Conference city each year and vice versa. Teams from the east, who rarely travel to Chicago to take on the Blackhawks, really have to over prepare themselves for the city's strong winds. For this reason, the Flyers brought in 12 swamp/fan boats this week to their practice facility in Vorhees, NJ, to become more familiar with playing hockey in windy conditions.

"I've never played in those conditions," said Flyers' goaltender Michael Leighton, after practice on Wednesday. "When all 12 boats were turned on, the force was so strong that the equipment guys had to create this elaborate anchoring system from ice skate laces."

The Windy City will be hosting a Stanley Cup Final game for the first time since 1992. In that year, Mario Lemieux, Hall of Fame star for the Penguins, who won the series in four games, was fortunate enough to figure out the wind patterns of northeastern Illinois fairly quickly.

"My advice to the Flyers would be to really overcompensate for the wind," said Lemieux, now co-owner of the Penguins, who is pulling for his Atlantic Division foe against the Blackhawks. "In '92, I would lick my finger and hold it to the air to determine the wind direction. This proved invaluable. This was only after finding out that gathering ice shavings from the rink surface and releasing them into the wind was not an effective approach."

Flyers' head coach Peter Laviolette has stressed to his team the importance of wind compensation when passing, shooting, clearing and, believe it or not, line changing.

"Winds are stronger coming over the glass and the boards," warned Laviolette, who brought in a University of Chicago wind expert, a Chester County native, to talk with the team. "When coming on and off the ice the players must use the doors to the bench. The wind can prevent a player from coming over the boards, which can result in a too many men penalty."

Having played in the wind for 41 regular season and 8 playoff home games, the Blackhawks hold a definite advantage. Both teams, however, will quickly find out whether or not 12 swamp boats can level that playing field ... er, rink.

BP to hold online contest for solving oil leak

London, U.K.--Officials at BP are out of ideas. Frustration cannot begin to describe the mood of one of the planet's largest energy company's thousands of worldwide employees. The Gulf of Mexico oil leak that eventually resulted from an April 20 oil rig explosion off the coast of Louisiana is wreaking havoc on the region.

Oil is beginning to coat beaches, beachgoers, bayous and wildlife in states and countries all along the Gulf Coast. "Countries that I have never even heard of are claiming that oil is washing ashore," said one BP executive. "Turks & Caicos? Where the hell is that? Is it one or two places?"

Advisers to the company have now suggested executives and engineers seek solutions from outside its own walls. As a result, beginning tomorrow, BP will launch an online contest for ideas on how to plug the 5,000 barrels per day leak that is nearly one mile below the Gulf's often placid surface. Entries should be sent to BP's American headquarters in Houston, TX no later than July 30, 2010.

"We wanted to give people enough time to create a cool video or something," said Max Ventnor, 24, a consultant with LastStand Consulting, a damage control consulting firm. "We're hoping this will be a Youtube thing or maybe something with Google, but definitely a Facebook thing. But, I want everybody to remember that even if we come across a great idea early on, we will not announce the winner until July 30. Rest assured that no solution will be implemented until sometime in August."

BP has posted more details concerning the contest on the company's official website.

"Once you come to BP's website, scroll down to the very bottom of the page. On the right hand side will be a giant cartoon 'MD' icon. Click on this to navigate to our marketing department. Scroll to the very bottom of the marketing department's page and on the left will be the icon for 'Sprites Fix a leak Contest,'" explained Douglas Hartnell, a public relations official for BP.

BP appears to be supporting the idea for online solutions.

"Online contests are hip and cool. Both Mountain Dew and Lipton Tea held contests in the last few years for something or other. This is partly the reason why we're partnering with Sprite," said Hartnell. "No, we're not a soft drink company, but we do deal with liquids."

Ideas to stop the flow of oil seem to be slowly surfacing around the world, as two University of Texas Austin engineering students feel they are on to something. "Oh we have an idea that would definitely work. There's no doubt about it. But it will definitely take us right up to the July 30 deadline to create an awesome video presentation that will interface with Facebook. My buddy wants to use video editing software that neither of us are familiar with."

Winners will receive a limited edition Hess collectible toy truck, a $10,000 scholarship to a participating university and, once the cleanup is complete, 0.00025% of all the recycled oil pulled from the Gulf's waters, which may or may not be worthless.

Flyers exercising extreme patience with new fans, journalists covering hockey for first time

Philadelphia, PA--In the postgame news conference last night after the Flyers eliminated the Montreal Canadiens and advanced to the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time since 1997, Captain Mike Richards was asked by a local journalist if he was concerned about the number of "icy's" the team accumulated during the series.

Richards, after trying desperately not to laugh, responded,"I'm sorry, did you say icy's? Did you mean icings?"

The journalist took a quick glance down at the folder in his lap and confirmed that, yes, in fact, he meant icings.

Later in the news conference, standout defenseman Chris Pronger was asked, citing his size, if face-offs would ever be replaced by jump pucks, similar to jump balls in basketball. The giant blueliner gave a big smile and said he would love to see that because of his often glaring height advantage over other players.

At the conclusion of games one and two against the Canadiens, each at the Wachovia Center, the Flyers reported that nearly four hundred fans demanded a partial ticket refund because, they claimed, "this game was only three periods long." The team did issue partial refunds, but said it will not exercise this policy during the Finals.

Last night, one of the greenest Flyer' fans attending the game celebrated what he thought was a Stanley Cup championship.

"I was going nuts in the stands," said an embarrassed Pete Tomwill, a Lower Merion Flyers fan, who was informed by a nearby season ticket holder that there is one more round of hockey before the cup. "The guy wearing the 'C' on his jersey picked up that big trophy that was very silver and cup-like. Why would they have such a nice trophy for the semi-finals?"

When teams make deep runs into the playoffs, such as the Flyers' current drive to the Finals, large numbers of new fans, often not nearly as savvy as the average season ticket holder, want to share in the teams' success and feel the same elation that fans around them are experiencing by cheering for a sport they may not even care for.

"This happens every year with every sport, believe it or not," explained Dr Reid Clossuer, a sports psychologist at Graduate Hospital in Center City Philadelphia. "But the stress this causes players is often magnified in hockey as media members, usually assigned to cover football or baseball, are asked to pull double duty and report on hockey. It's like asking an experienced airline pilot to all the sudden drive a car."

The good doctor also recognized that Flyers' players may not have it as bad as some that have come before them.

"Philadelphia is a fantastic hockey town," said Dr Reid Clossuer "The team has been very patient with the 'bandwagon' fans and new journalists, but, not to take away from their kindheartedness, the Hurricanes and Lightning may have faced the ultimate test several years ago."

Clossuer is referring to when the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Carolina Hurricanes won the Stanley Cup in 2004 and 2006 respectively. In these sunshine belt cities, not known as hockey hotbeds, the players' patience with new fans and journalists during their run to the Cup soon wore so thin that Clossuer was called in to council the athletes.

"In 2006, Rod Brind'Amour, captain of the Hurricanes at the time, was asked 26 times during the Finals about the apostrophe in his last name by the same Greensboro Sun reporter," said Clossuer. "[The journalist] kept insisting that Brind'Amour make the 'A' lowercase, remove the apostrophe and make the last name one word. I showed Rod some very useful breathing exercises."

SEPTA to extend rail coverage with new rail cars, giant truck

Philadelphia, PA--The Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority (SEPTA) is expanding as a result of a growing ridership. Providing these riders with a more comfortable commute will be made easier by the new Silverliner V rail car. The Authority has purchased 120 of these sleek cars from the South Korea based manufacturer.

Part of the expansion, in addition to new rail cars, includes reconnecting towns by "rail." Towns that at one time were linked to the regional rail system will once again be tied to Center City Philadelphia by the "rail" network. Well, sort of.

Extending rail service with new track and securing right-of-ways can drain a transit agency's wallet very quickly. This forced SEPTA to become extremely creative by not only thinking outside of the box, but also thinking outside of the area that is just outside of the box. SEPTA calls this method, "thinking outside of the outside perimeter of the box."

"Refurbishing or installing new rail lines is cost prohibitive," explained Pete Francis, a SEPTA Planner. "Placing these dashing new rail cars on the backs of large flatbed trucks will allow us to serve many more communities by 'rail' without devastating our budget."

The concept is fairly simple: when a train reaches a line's current terminus, a lifting device, most likely a crane, will elevate the car from the tracks and onto a truck.

For example, West Chester, where rail service concluded in 1983, will be linked to the R3 Line, which currently terminates in Elwyn. After being lifted by crane and set onto the oversized tractor trailer, the new, behemoth unit will make its way north on Route 352, escorted by police, with stops in Lima and Cheyney before ending on Market St in West Chester.

"We are so very excited to be getting rail service again," said Gail Davenport, West Chester's mayor. "I realize it's not rail service, but at the same time it is rail service. Heck, I'm just glad we're getting rail service. All aboard!"

With this revolutionary idea, SEPTA hopes to provide "rail" service to Phoenixville, Chadds Ford, Newtown and Quakertown in the next two years.

"People like rail travel. Period. And if we can provide our riders with the rail travel vibe, even though the rail car will be on the back of a truck, we feel it is in our best interest. Studies have shown that buses are terrible at replicating a 'train feeling,'" said Tyler Swanson, a SEPTA official, when asked why the region's transit provider wouldn't simply use buses, a much cheaper option, when reconnecting towns.

The transit agency has attempted several practice truck transports (shown above) and has streamlined the process down to six hours from the time the train stops at the final station until the car is safely secured to the trailer.

"Oh, it's quite a process to get the rail cars on and off the truck," said Swanson. "We are confidant, however, that in five years we can have the process down to about 1.5 hours. We are also hoping that the cost of transfer, now at $25,000, can be cut in half ... but, hey, these are federal rail dollars, so ..."

Moyer recalls getting powder blue jersey as a 38-year-old kid

Above: Phillies' pitcher Jamie Moyer in the 1970's retro powder blue uniforms last night in Milwaukee. Moyer recalled getting a similar jersey as a 38-year-old kid in the 1970's.

Milwaukee, WI--Many Phillies fans, unaware of Retro Weekend in the land of cheese, brats and beer and brats filled with cheese and beer, desperately tried to adjust their tv's after tuning into last night's game. The reason? Well, Jamie Moyer and the rest of the Phillies wore crisp throwback powder blue 1970's uniforms in a game against the Brewers.

Comcast SportsNet reported that over 2,000 calls poured into the network's call center from fans demanding to know if the color problem would soon be corrected. Eventually, Comcast ran a banner across the bottom of the screen informing the television audience not to adjust the color and that "the powder blues are back, baby."

The powder blue road uniforms were quite the hit during their run in the 70's and 80's. Moyer, a Souderton, PA native, grew up a Phillies fan and fell in love with the powder blues. The pitcher, who is off to a hot start this season accumulating a 5-2 record, experienced major flashbacks while putting on the retro jersey last night before the game.

"I asked for the powder blues for my 38th birthday. I was just a kid and [Mike] Schmidt was hitting the cover off the ball," said Moyer, standing at the top of the visitor's dugout steps in Miller Park. "I remember opening that box so clearly. My mother had wrapped the package in Three's Company wrapping paper. The paper was from the early seasons because the Ropers, and not Mr Furley, were with Jack, Janet and Chrissy."

The ageless pitcher desperately wanted to don that gift from so long ago for last night's game.

"I searched my house up and down last week to see if I could find that jersey and actually wear it for this game. I just couldn't find it, as that was over 30 years ago. I did find an old Phillies thermos, though. Still great for soup."

Outfielder can only laugh as "fan" comes onto field 3rd consecutive night

Above: Phillies' outfielder Jayson Werth tracks down a fly ball as a "fan" lands behind him on the warning track.

Philadelphia, PA--On Wednesday night, Philadelphia Phillies' outfielder Jayson Werth couldn't help but smile when a fan came onto the field for the third night in a row in South Philadelpiha. During the the previous two nights at Citizens Bank Park, two fans ran onto the field causing mixed crowd reactions and delaying the game for several minutes. The first night became a national news story, as a 17-year-old fan was chased and eventually tasered after failing to cooperate with police.

Before the game, fans were asking themselves if the Philly faithful would go for the hat trick and create an on-field disturbance for a third consecutive night. The crowd appeared distracted and on edge most of the evening in anticipation of who may venture onto the field. Security personnel reported more fans than ever bringing cameras into the game.

"The fans wanted to be ready for YouTube," laughed Paul Zeigler, a security guard stationed at the entrance near the east end of Ashburn Alley. "There was an unusually high number of picture and video devices brought in on Wednesday."

After seven innings of painful waiting, a fan came down from the right field, lower level seats. That is, a large, gray box fan. The 21" x 7" x 24", 12.8 pound fan was thrown onto the right field warning track as right fielder Jayson Werth pursued a fly ball into the corner.

"It was pretty clever," said a still-smiling Werth, as reporters gathered around his locker after the game. "Obviously, if it hit me or a real fan it would have been a different story. I was pretty focused on the ball and Shane [Victorino] yelled, 'Watch out.' And then, all of the sudden, this fan lands about 10 yards from me."

Werth played along after the game was halted, and, to the delight of the crowd, pretended to taser the disfigured cooling device as it lay in the red dirt in front of the padded outfield wall.

The Park's security is extremely concerned about the incident. Play was interrupted for almost 20 minutes as more than 25 security guards and police officers searched the seats for the culprit.

"At this time we are unsure of how a fan was able to conceal a large box fan and bring the device past security and into the stadium," said Steve Anderson, head of security for the Phillies. "Even if several fans brought individual pieces in and assembled the fan once inside, it would have been extremely difficult. These guys are good. In my expert opinion, it is unlikely their first time doing this."

Comcast SportsNet cameras caught Werth picking up the fan, and, after pretending to apprehend it, reading a note taped to the metal casing.

"I didn't realize there was a note on the fan at first," explained Werth, while taking the paper from his pocket. "It reads, 'Don't taze me because the high voltage of the taser could mess up my wiring, which could render me useless to someone during the hot summer months.'" (Police later confiscated the note from Werth.)

The fan, or fans, that threw the fan has not yet been found, but security personnel are examining the stadium's security tapes that were directed in the vicinity of the incident.

Notes: The Phillies said after the game that the team will auction off the fan and attached note at an upcoming charity event once the police no longer consider the device evidence. During the 9th inning, manager Charlie Manuel had the entire team sign the fan, which has made it more than difficult for police to locate a clean fingerprint.

Louisiana calls on Arizona Minutemen to protect coastline from approaching oil spill

Above: Minuteman Tom Dennisen of Flagstaff, AZ keeps watch along the Louisiana coastline for the Gulf's massive oil spill that is making its way toward the state's fragile shores. "If I see the oil, I'm suppose to call the Coast Guard. I don't have the authority to physically prevent any of the oil from covering beaches or wildlife," said Dennisen, while using air quotes and smiling mischievously. Several thousand Minutemen have made their way to state's bayous.

Senior chokes to death, as new volunteer neglects to remove wheels from meals

Bensalem, PA--A Meals on Wheels volunteer is being accused of failing to follow proper protocol when delivering meals for the nonprofit that is dedicated to senior nutrition. As a result, a 99-year-old senior, whose 100th birthday was tomorrow, choked to death around lunchtime yesterday.

"This is a tough day for all of us here at Meals On Wheels," said Donna Sparre, director of the organization's Philadelphia office, wearing tiel heels made from eels. "Just a sad, sad day."

Apparently, the first-time volunteer, Donna Summers, made two glaring mistakes during her visit to a Bensalem, PA assisted living home yesterday.

"As I was bringing the meal to the door, I got really confused and I couldn't remember if it was Wheels on Meals or Meals on Wheels," said Summers, the volunteer blamed for delivering the meal that ended the senior's life. "I mean, either way I'm suppose to remove the wheels, which I forgot to do. But that mistake is made much worse if the wheels are actually on top of the meals."

In 2002, the organization began placing miniature wheels, made from old car tires, under the meals being delivered as a reminder to the seniors as to who was providing the food. The Meals On Wheels Volunteer Handbook reads, "Between four and seven 3-inch diameter wheels are to be positioned under the meals upon delivery. The wheels are then to be collected and used again for a later delivery. Under no circumstances are the wheels to be placed on top of the meals."

Summers met with the family of the senior, whose name has yet to be released, late last evening. She explained that, yes, when she dropped off the food around 11:45 AM, the wheels were, without question, on top of and not under the meal, a clear violation of proper procedure.

"My mother was a fantastic person. We had a huge 100th birthday celebration planned for her on Saturday," said the senior's son. "She was getting up there in years, but she was totally with it. It surprises me that she didn't notice the wheels on top of the meal. I mean, she gets meals delivered four times a week."

Bensalem Police did report finding two large garbage bags full of wheels in the senior's apartment.

"This is not the first time the wheels were left behind, as she has two or three trash bags full of wheels in her sitting room closet," announced Officer Mary Wilson. "We do believe, however, it is the first time the wheels were left on top of the meals. None of the wheels in the bags have remnants of food."

At first, there were reports that the wheels were confused for donuts, but police have confirmed that the wheels were mixed in with the spaghetti, yesterday's lunch menu, "pretty thoroughly."

"[The wheels] were covered in tomato sauce and the noodles were wrapped around four of the seven wheels," said Officer Wilson. "There's a real good chance she thought they were meatballs, simply because the wheels were on top of the meal. Poor thing."

Sparre said that, despite this being the first such incident involving the miniature tires, she will be contacting the MOW's head office in Alexandria, VA about possibly discontinuing the use of the wheels or making them edible.

On Earth Day, coal mine loader driven by Sun

Shanxi, China--Coal dust drifts across the gray landscape several feet above the the identically-colored chunks that are amassed in piles below. Swirling in the wind, the particles are often carried long distances and, unknowingly, into the lungs of the cramped cities to the east. With the country constructing two coal-fired power plants per week, perhaps more, not many think of the world's most populous nation as a leader in green energy.

It is Earth Day 2010, and the occasion is celebrated in a very unusual way at one of China's numerous coal mines. For one day, several large, polluting pieces of equipment--loaders, bulldozers, dump trunks--are driven by Sun. This is quite a commitment and environmental statement from a company that bases its existence solely on what is widely considered the dirtiest of the fossil fuels.

In 2005, Sun arrived at Xeng Coal Inc. That is, a worker by the name of Kim Sun. Sun immigrated to China from North Korea and, though he hesitates to discuss details of his journey and background, does confirm that he started at the mine five years ago.

"Sun is a laborer. He picks up pieces of coal that have fallen from the trucks or he stands in the back of trucks to help guide the coal in from the loaders," said Hung Zhou, Sun's supervisor, through and interpreter. "On this day for the Earth, we like to see Sun drive the equipment."

On Earth Day, for the past five years, the coal company permits Sun, who has zero heavy equipment operating experience, to drive several of the bulky machinery pieces.

"He's crazy, that guy," said Bae Chin, a fellow Korean immigrant and loader operator at the mine, about Sun, also through an interpreter. "Sun drives my loader. Sun is bright. Sun can power this whole mine one day. Sun is clean. Sadly, coal is dirty and makes it difficult to stare directly at Sun."

"It's pretty funny," said Zhou. "Everyone gets a big kick out of seeing him drive the equipment. It's partly a reward to the other workers, by lightening the workplace mood for one day of the year, but also because of government regulations."

By letting Sun drive the equipment for one day, the company is able to meet the "extremely strict" environmental standards set by the government. When Sun climbs behind the wheel of a large loader, China can claim it is becoming more green with solar (or Sun) energy and making strides towards meeting the Kyoto environmental standards.

"We are very proud to be the only coal mine in China to use Sun to drive dirty diesel-powered equipment," said Zhou.

Guy who leads Iceland just flat out embarrassed

Island country places giant nicotine Patch on volcano, enormous ashtray in middle of ocean

Above: A giant nicotine patch has been placed on the side of the Iceland volcano that has been erupting for several days. The patch has not slowed the smoke, soot or ash.

Reykjavik, Iceland--The President of Iceland is thoroughly embarrassed about the volcano in his country that has been spewing smoke and ash into the atmosphere and creating global disruption for the past several days. The jet stream has carried volcanic debris over the Atlantic Ocean to Europe where it has practically brought the commercial airline industry of the continent to a halt.

"This is just so embarrassing," said President Olafur Ragnar Grimsson, pulling his suit jacket up over his face to conceal his identity. "I mean, you talk about the most embarrassing thing that could ever happen ... to anyone."

The Prime Minister of Norway, Jens Stoltenberg, has been stranded in Newark's Liberty International Airport for two days after a visit to the United Nations and has been growing more frustrated by the minute.

"I called Olafur [Iceland's President] and I was like what the hell is going on up there," said Stoltenberg, sitting next to several empty Auntie Anne's Pretzel bags and a mound of new cellphone covers. "He's pretty embarrassed, but that doesn't fix the fact that I had a whole ice fishing/cross-country skiing/ski jumping trip planned this weekend with some old college buddies. It's just rotten. How am I going to tell Lars Keggington, Dances with Kegs or Lillehammered that I won't be able to make it? Tell me that."

So ashamed is Iceland, that the small country has issued an "Ashtray Tax" and a "Patch Tax" on its just over 300,000 residents. The tax was used to construct and deliver an oversized ashtray to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and affix a large nicotine patch to the slopes of the volcano.

The ashtray, with a radius of 950 miles, was built last night and put in place this morning with the help of 500 military cargo helicopters borrowed from the United States and Canada. The patch was also placed using helicopters and, later, large pieces of Nicoderm gum were dropped inside the volcano. Nothing has worked.

At first, Grimsson called for all of Iceland's smokers, that were currently using the patch to quit, to donate their supply to the government for this extreme situation. The country's leaders quickly realized that this effort would not be enough to combat the volcano and outsourced the design and construction of a giant patch to nearby Greenland. These same leaders later admitted to watching the movie Patch Adams for ideas on how to build this powerful nicotine patch.

"Just when I thought we couldn't suffer any further embarrassment," said a distraught Grimsson. "We construct a ridiculously-oversized ashtray and patch and ... they don't even work. I picked the wrong week to quit smoking."

The ashtray, which broke away from its countless anchors soon after being positioned, appears to be on a collision course with Portugal.

"Finally, some good news," said Grimsson. "It's Portugal's problem now."

Portugal, which has one of the world's highest concentrations of cigarette smokers, does not appear to be concerned about the mass headed toward its shores.Above: A satellite photo of volcanic soot, ash and smoke carried by winds from Iceland over the Atlantic Ocean to Europe. Iceland has placed a giant ashtray in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, which has been a colossal failure.