CBS announcers instructed not to say Broncos' head coach's last name

Foxboro, MA--CBS instructed Jim Nantz and Phil Simms, the first-team announcers for the station's N.F.L. broadcasts, not to say the last name of the Denver Broncos' head coach, John Fox, over the entire course of the telecast on Saturday's divisional playoff matchup between the Patriots and Broncos. CBS executives felt saying the last name would give free publicity to a rival network--FOX. "I was only permitted to say John during the game," said a frustrated Nantz. "It really threw me off, I was uncomfortable. If [the cameramen] showed John Fox on the sideline I could only say, 'And there is the head coach of the Broncos, John.'"

Singletary sneaks onto 49ers' sideline, brings own headset, monogrammed challenge flag

San Francisco, CA--Mike Singletary, who was fired from the head coaching job of the 49ers after last season, is back on the sideline for the City by the Bay. However, not in any official capacity.

Singletary spent three years here and compiled an 18-22 record, failing to make the playoffs in any season and is now the linebackers coach in Minnesota. The 49ers are playing in the second round of the NFL playoffs today under first-year coach Jim Harbaugh for the first time since 2002.

"[Singletary] was wearing a large 49ers parka with the hood pulled over his head and he slipped in past stadium security," said one team official. "We just kind of let him be. Mike made it all the way to the sidelines and he even brought a headset with him. We're just letting him do his thing so not to cause a big scene, he's a good guy."

The coach also brought his own challenge flag, but it was quickly and quietly taken from him by quarterback Alex Smith while wide receiver Michael Crabtree distracted the former Bears legend. "I asked him about his linebacking days with the Bears and he just went off on a story and Alex crept up behind and grabbed the flag," said Crabtree. "We couldn't have him throwing that thing onto the field."

The team confirmed that the headset is not connected with the 49er coaches' network, but that Singletary picks up communication between truckers passing Candlestick Park on Highway 101 and US 280. "He's pretending to talk to coaches upstairs, but he only gets yelled at by tractor trailer drivers to 'pick another frequency, a&&hole,'" the official added.

Awesome Roy? New Eagles cornerback thoroughly confused hockey fan entire season

Central New Jersey--Fred Swindon admits he's a huge hockey fan. And when it comes to hockey he acknowledges it's not right to like two teams, but he grew up, and currently lives, near the ambiguous dividing line that separates the New York and Philadelphia metropolitan areas in central New Jersey. He says this only to reinforce his love for hockey.

"I am more a Flyers fan, but I cheer for the Devil's pretty hard, too," said Swindon. "But overall I'm just a huge hockey fan. I mean, huge."

The work-from-home computer programmer subscribes to the hockey package on cable, receives over twenty publications dedicated solely to the frozen game and takes photos of NHL arenas around the country during the puck-less summer months. Additionally, he writes a blog for the AHL (ZamboniandTinasWedding.net/ahl/-~&~?//) and follows more than five thousand hockey related accounts on Twitter.

The six pool sticks in his basement billiards room were made from old hockey sticks. One carefully preserved and lacquered cue still has a hockey blade at the thicker end, he claims it was Steve Yzerman's, the longtime former captain of the Detroit Red Wings. The balls on the felt table he says are made from the teeth of hockey players around the world that he purchased on EBay.

So, when it comes to watching football the Jersey-based hockey fan is not up to speed with all the offseason transactions and happenings of the game. He says he turns the game on Sundays to have something in the background.

Missing the first few Eagles games of the season, the "extremely casual NFL fan" tuned in for an early October matchup between the Eagles and the Redskins. A pass by the Washington quarterback Rex Grossman was broken up nicely by an Eagles cornerback in the first quarter.

"Asomugha with the stop!" shouted the announcer on television.

"When I first heard it I just thought it was a mistake. Then, the announcers said it a few more times during the remainder of the game. I was dumbfounded, literally. I couldn't believe they were paying tribute to the great Patrick Roy during a football game. 'Awesome Roy' this and 'awesome Roy' that. It was great," said a smiling Swindon. "He was a great player and deserves the recognition even during a football game."

Swindon was completely unaware that the Eagles had made a major signing in the lockout-shortened offseaon when they added coveted Raiders' free agent cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha. Asomugha is pronounced ah-sem-wah. Said with some quickness and rhythm and it can sound a lot like awesome-wah (or, if you'r a crazy hockey fan). Incidentally, the French pronunciation of Roy is wah.

The die-hard hockey fan that he is automatically set his mind to hear awesome Roy. Patrick Roy is a Hall of Fame goalie that played for the Montreal Canadians from 1985-95 and for the Colorado Avalanche from 1995-2003. He won four Stanley Cups, two with each team, and captured the Venzina Trophy as the league's best netminder three times.

"It didn't make any sense, but when one is so focused on hockey ... it made perfect sense. I am blinded by hockey sometimes, or deafened, in this case."

Swindon didn't realize his mistake until the end of the season when he made a post on his blog thanking the Eagles and the network announcing team for honoring Patrick Roy throughout the season. Immediately the comments came pouring in and there was lots of embarrassment.

"Lot's of egg. A big 'ol chunk of scrambled egg. What can I say, I'm not that into football."

Tebow offended by Gatorade celebrations, says they 'make a mockery of the sacred institute of baptism'

Santorum attack ad in New Hampshire blaming Romney for collapse of Old Man of the Mountain proves too little, too late

Concord, N.H.--The smear factor on the road to the GOP presidential nomination just reached a new level in the Granite State. An attack ad by the Santorum camp on Mit Romney is being described as "beyond low" by political analysts across the country.

In the ad, a voice, which appears to be Santorum's, vaguely accuses Romney of destroying the Old Man of the Mountain, the iconic rock formation (shown on the state quarter series) that when viewed from the side appeared to be a withered, leathery man's face. The formation was located in the famous, rugged White Mountains.

Sadly, the Old Man of the Mountain came tumbling down the cliff face on an early May day in 2003 at the hand of Mother Nature, an emotionally difficult day for the residents of the New England state.

Santorum did his homework.

The advertisement, showing Photoshopped pictures of a hiking Romney, declared: "Can we trust a man who may or may not have had a hand in taking down one of New Hampshire's most treasured natural wonders? That's right, the crumbling of the Old Man of the Mountain may not have been by force of nature. Romney says he never hiked near the White Mountains, but I say show us proof. I say where were you on May 3, 2003? I say ... do you like to hike Mr. Romney? Mr. Romney, do you like to hike? [A different, more cheerful voice] This ad was approved by Rick Santorum."

Despite the ads, Romney prevailed in the New Hampshire primary and the candidates now prepare for South Carolina. "We're currently shooting an ad that focuses on Romney and the Gamecock, but I can't get into details," said one GOP contender.

Burger King debuts BK Kids Meal War Horse backpack

Miami, FL--For the first time ever a fast food chain restaurant has partnered with a PG-13-rated Hollywood film for the purposes of marketing and selling merchandise with kids meals. The popular Steven Spielberg-directed War Horse has joined with Burger King to launch a series of children's products including an oversized school horse backpack (pictured above). "We realize this is a gamble because the movie is rated PG-13 and this seemingly reduces a large chunk of our kids meal intended audience," said Beverly Morton, Burger King's director of North American sales. "That being said, huge numbers of under 13's are seeing the film--including my 8-year-old--and requesting the backpack at our restaurants. In addition, adults are purchasing kids meals solely for the purpose of receiving a War Horse backpack." Burger King claims in TV ads that each backpack contains one strand of hair from the real horse of the movie.

Reid blaming disappointing season on league's rejection of 32-week, 16-game season plan

South Philadelphia--Andy Reid will be back for the 2012 campaign, really. It may not surprise most, but there was speculation that his tenure in Philadelphia was coming to an end after his 13th season as head coach of the Eagles. Struggling to an 8-8 record (4-8 before a strong finish), the deeply talented team that was suppose to make a run to the Super Bowl--at the minimum a playoff appearance--is dusting off golf spikes or skis or something.

Clock management continues to be a weak point for Reid, frequently using timeouts simply to retrieve the challenge flag or re-laminate his play chart. Senseless penalties and the abject refusal to run the football with any consistency has doomed many games even before the coin toss.

There is, however, one statistic that cannot be overlooked by critics: 13-0. Reid's record in games following the bye week. Thirteen years and 13 wins in 13 attempts after the coach has a week off, an extra seven days to study the often less-prepared opponent.

"Reid is dominant in games where he has two weeks to get ready," said Adam Zilinger, popular sports columnist for the Chester County Times Daily. "Andy knows this and is the reason he approached the league with a plan in the offseason."

Reid traveled to New York on Amtrak's Keystone service on the cold morning of February 28, 2011, nearly two weeks before the lockout began. The coach carried a massive three-ring binder at his side, actually the brick of papers had its own seat in business class. Reid made the journey as the only representative of the Eagles, in fact, no one from the franchise was aware the California native was meeting with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in the league's Manhattan offices.

Inside the binder (which freakishly resembled a trapper keeper) was a plan. A three-holed, desperate plea, perhaps, by a coach who understood perfectly the value of a bye week. Handwritten on each page was a detailed outline for the league to adopt a 32-week, 16-game season. Currently, the NFL season spans 17 weeks with 16 games. The math is simple: each team gets one week off during the season.

"Reid's radical plan was to have the season open in September and end in April, with playoffs in May, every other week being a bye week. He did all the research before stepping from the platform at 30th Street Station, over the gap and into the Amtrak car," said Mike Rulligan, the CSPM reporter that broke the story. "He was ready."

The coach had laminated, like his play charts, each and every page of the plan for effect. He hired Cooper-Sinclair, the large sports scheduling consulting group, to crunch numbers for extending the season by four months. According to the plan, the league could double revenue and attract a wider audience.

According to sources, Goodell seriously considered the plan and kept the "trapper keeper thing" to look over for several weeks. "Goodell had his team of advisers break down the plan. They returned good numbers, but they weren't good enough. The regular season would have to end by mid-February for it to work," said Rulligan. "So, much to the frustration of Reid, the single bye week format remained in place."

"We need more bye weeks in this league," Reid said at today's news conference at the NovaCare Complex, the final one of the season. "It's as simple as that. Bye weeks can help me put my players in a better position to win a game."

Year in Review: Stamos, Galifianakis attempt to solve Greece's financial woes during drunken party conversation

Hollywood, CA--Comedian Zach Galifianakis and actor John Stamos talked for more than three hours at a party of a mutual friend in the Hollywood hills earlier this year about the economic crisis in Greece. The two were visibly intoxicated but fairly confident they solved the major financial issues plaguing the European country. "They talked for hours and were wildly animated at some points, but shook hands afterwards and really looked like they had gotten to the bottom of the problem for Greece. They even looked like they had come up with a solid plan for the country moving forward," said one anonymous partygoer.

Year in Review: bin Laden had stockpile of American snacks under compound

Washington, DC--The Navy SEALs that took down Osama bin Laden earlier this year claimed that the 54-year-old leader of al Qaeda was not armed when they swarmed the terrorist's compound with high tech military gadgets. This is true to a certain extent. Bin Laden may not have been armed with assault rifles, grenades or hand guns, but he was packing a different kind of killer ... a silent killer.

For a man that displayed a clear disdain for anything that represented the West, he had one unshakable habit that was clearly very American--almost too American.

"Bin Laden was addicted to American snack foods," said CIA agent Francis Cooke, a 30-year veteran of the agency. "We didn't learn this until [the day after the raid]. That's a serious breakdown in intelligence on our part. How did we not know that this guy was washing down Three Musketeer bars with Dr Pepper?"

Until May, it was common knowledge that the only western tradition that bin Laden cared for was soccer and the the World Cup. He was a huge European football fan and, based on photographs recovered from the compound (and a vuvuzela in the corner of his bedroom), attended several games in South Africa last summer. But his other passion--only known by a handful of his most trusted messengers--was Cool Ranch Doritos and all its salty, addicting relatives.

"Oh, once he popped he couldn't be stopped," said the manager of the only 7-eleven in Abbottabad, Pakistan, the town outside of Islamabad where bin Laden was discovered. "He only came in once, but he bought most of my inventory--every last can of Pringles, Cheetos, Bugles, Ritz Bits, everything. I'm assuming he had couriers come in during the other times. He was much taller than I thought he would be."

Below the compound was a tunnel leading to a safe house/underground bomb shelter with snack supplies to last roughly ten years. Bag after bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos, Pringles, Twinkies, Butterscotch Krimpets, Ruffles (ridged and plain), Devil Dogs, Cracklin' Oat Bran, cheddar popcorn and barbecue corn chips, to name a few.

"I think if we had known this disgusting little habit that he had going on we would have been onto him a long time ago," said Becky Sawchuk, a high-level CIA official. "When we found him he had orange fingers, but there was no bag in sight. Tests confirmed that he was chowing down on cheese curls just before our boys arrived."

The CIA confirmed that had bin Laden kept up these deplorable eating habits, the snacks themselves would have taken the terrorist out of commission within five years. "That is, had the SEALS not found him first" said Sawchuk.

NHL Winter Classic: Players, coaches to sit in dugout during game; line changes to be very complicated

Philadelphia--Despite the baseball dugouts being more than 30 yards from the rink at Citizens Bank Park, the Rangers' and Flyers' players and coaches have all agreed to sit in the below-field level benches during the NHL Winter Classic on Monday. "The dugouts are far from the action but we wanted to honor the game of baseball during this great outdoor game," said Henrik Lundqvist, the Rangers' Swedish-born goaltender, who became overly embarrassed when he was informed that there was no such thing as a 'walk-off first down' in baseball (or any sport for that matter). Coaches will have to overextend their voice boxes (larynges) in order to communicate effectively with the athletes on the ice. Meanwhile, players making line changes will need to run or briskly walk more than 30 yards to the rink gate from the dugout on a rubber mat for each substitution. "It'll be exhausting, but I've aways wanted to visit the Phillies dugout," said James van Riemsdyk, Flyers' left winger from Middleton, NJ. "They should make a little ice path from the dugouts to the rink ... but I know they won't." The NHL may permit the two clubs to each use a golf cart to shuttle players back and forth from the dugout to the ice.

Year in Reveiw: Photo album confiscated at bin Laden compound reveals a very busy ten years

Above: Bin Laden, posing as an ice cream vendor, visited West Point, NY in 2004 where he made plans to build a concealed compound--identical to his Afghanistan compound--on the grounds of the United States Military Academy. His plan fell through, but bin Laden "thoroughly enjoyed [his] four days in this lovely little town that overlooks the Hudson River."

Above: Bin Laden attended the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. He wrote: "I attracted a lot of attention in the stadiums in Johannesburg and other cities. Lots of fans asked to pose with me saying that I looked like bin Laden. Lots of good football. Some hotty Dutch fans distracted me from cheering for North Korea."

Above: Winter in Niagara Falls, January 23, 2006. Bin Laden wrote on the back of the photo: "I had no idea that the Maid of the Mist didn't operate in the winter. What a disappointment. I was sad in the photo. But, the ice that forms from the mist on the railings made me the opposite of sad."

Risky Phanatic appearance at Kim Jong-il viewing a huge hit

Above: The Phillie Phanatic makes a surprise appearance at the funeral of Kim Jong-il in Pyongyang, North Korea on Monday. The lovable green mascot greeted Kim Jong-un, the successor and son of Kim Jong-il, with his signature smooch and shirt over-the-head move. The new leader, and countless army generals watching, could only laugh at the Phanatic's antics. North Korea has been mourning the loss of their longtime ruler and so an anonymous member of Jong-il's staff felt the "fury green guy" could turn frowns upside down. Even the new leader was touched. "I was feeling really sad because my daddy had just passed away, and all the sudden this green guy, the great Phanatic, comes out of nowhere and gives me a big hug and kiss. A hug and kiss I so desperately needed," said Jong-un through and interpreter. "He didn't have to pull his shirt over my head because it messed up my hair. But, his heart was in the right place and it's one of his more popular moves."

Notes: The Phanatic's hot dog gun launcher was confiscated at the airport in Pyongyang and U.S. officials are mildly concerned that the technology could be copied and used for military purposes.

Year in Review: City tells Occupy 'there's a really cool park just down the street, honestly. Grab your gear and follow us, c'mon. It'll be great'

... where is that other park? It can't be much further. Oh, I remember, just a few more blocks. I am really turned around here. Let me just double check this map. This is really embarrassing. Do we have everybody? You know what, it might be back the other way. Oh, here it is ... cuff 'em boys.

Academy announces they will recognize North Korean people at upcoming Oscar ceremony

Los Angeles--Hollywood took notice of the acting taking place in Pyongyang yesterday and today after news of the death of Kim Jong-il, the country's longtime ruler, spread across North Korea. The Oscars would like to honor the citizens of the communist ruled country at their annual ceremony in February. "Obviously, we can't have any of [the North Korean residents] actually attend the awards, but we'll come up with a great little compilation of their classic 'mourning' scenes for our worldwide audience. Their acting needs to be recognized," said Gifford Benjamin, president of the Academy of Motion Pictures. "Like, the uncontrolled sobbing, how did they do that at such a high level? Crazy!"

Nation's cheese supply likely to be interrupted this week

Kansas City, MO--The Packers lost their first game of the season today to the struggling Chiefs in cold Arrowhead Stadium. The dream of an undefeated season for the Pack--a forgone conclusion to almost every cheesehead throughout Wisconsin and the upper Midwest--is done. Why should a person eating a cheeseburger in, say, Flagstaff, AZ care about what transpired in Missouri today? Wisconsin produces over 70 percent of the nation's cheese; a place where dairy cows outnumber people 32 to one and 2.98 workers out of three are connected to the industry in some fashion. With today's heart-wrenching Packer loss there could be an interruption in production. "There's no way I'm making cheese this week," said Robert Tennen a die-hard Green Bay fan and Appleton, WI resident eating a small piece of cheese. "I can't even think about cheese today." Other fans/cheese workers echoed Tennen's feelings. "'Cheese!? You want me to wake up at 5 a.m. tomorrow, drive 25 minutes to the factory and make cheese? You got some nerve,'" said Gail Trudeau of WiscoCheese, jokingly rehearsing what she would say to her supervisor. "But seriously, I'm not making cheese tomorrow."

Year in Review: Red Cross becomes cross after 'favorite leather chair' picture posted to Tsunami missing persons board

Pearl Harbor survivor says Affleck performance in movie 'much more terrifying than that dreadful day'

Junior high student makes great point, stumps teacher: 'If Hawaii didn't become a state unitl 1959, how were they attacked in 1941?'

Financial crisis: City to close all outdoor pools over the winter months

Philadelphia--In an effort to cut costs that will save the city millions of dollars, City Council voted unanimously on Friday to close all outdoor pools over the winter months for the first time in 30 years. "We can't afford to spend absurd amounts of taxpayer money to keep outdoor pools open during months of frigid temperatures and ice and snow," said Mayor Michael Nutter. "The pools were never used ... by anyone from December to March. It was silly to keep them open in the first place. Times have changed, we can no longer spend frivolously in an uncertain economic climate."

Report: Number of babies named Pippa hasn't changed

California's latest landslide wins November 2011 Best Landslide by a landslide

Los Angeles--The votes are in: Landslide Magazine's November award winner for Best Landslide is California's latest landslide, which occurred in San Pedro last weekend. "Usually the voting is close," said the magazine's senior editor Jeff Galbright. "It's been a while since I was able to truly say that the contest winner won by a landslide. But, the second-place finisher received 43 fewer votes. That's a landslide for us!" Galbright reiterated that the contest included landslides that occurred in the continental United States from October 25 through November 25. "Including Alaskan and Hawaiian landslides would be unfair."

Reid not deterred by latest loss: Coach will continue to harass local Applebee's manager with 'great' Scrapplebee's idea

New 1-900 number allows concerned fans to get latest info on NBA lockout

Dessert-minded Occupy faction breaks away to form Occu-pie

Philadelphia--Wayne O'Brien took two big whiffs of the freshly-baked apple pie resting in his chafed, raw hands. Then, slowly looking skyward, and with a sharp yell, declared, "Occu-pie has now officially begun." The twelve or so people circled around O'Brien began clapping and hooting loudly in support of the announcement. The Ambler, PA native and Philadelphia Culinary School graduate is the leader of a splinter group formed out of the Occupy Philadelphia movement. "We cannot agree with our brothers and sisters concerning the importance of desserts, especially pie, to our nation. It was a difficult choice, but one that had to be made. We are the one percent of the two percent of the 99 percent who realize that pie is what makes the world go 'round. Somehow, pie can create jobs. It has to, it's so good and delicious. We're a small group but a damn strong small group. Stop cutting pie making funding ... if there is such a thing." The city has granted Occu-pie, who plans to leave Dilworth Plaza by Tuesday, a permit to set up inside of the La Columbe cafe across the street.

Scrap yard owner on why he never questioned patron who regularly brought in manhole covers, street signs for cash: 'He said they were his'

Reid putting positive spin on Vick's latest injury: 'It reminded me of the sandwich in my bottom right desk drawer'

The mobile quarterback broke two ribs versus Cardinals

Eagles head coach Andy Reid told a room full of reporters at Monday's weekly day-after-game news conference that his quarterback's broken rib injury is not all bad. "Yesterday, soon after the game ended, a trainer came into my office and told me that Michael [Vick] had sustained two broken ribs during the second half," explained Reid, in his signature raspy voice, a trace of dried red sauce on either corner of his mouth. "I started to get up from my chair to go check on Michael when I just stopped and smiled. I told the trainer that I would be along in a minute and to go along without me. I said to myself, 'ribs? Think, Andy! Compose yourself.' Then it just all the sudden clicked. 'Andy, you beautiful, glorious genius; there's a McRIB sandwich in my desk. The bottom right drawer if my memory serves me correctly.' And there it was, as was there one in the top left drawer as well. From two broken ribs came two intact McRIBs."

McNamara on surfing 90-foot wave: 'Testicles still up inside body somewhere'

U.S. Coast Guard officially changes old nautical saying: 'Red sky at night, sailor's just might'

The popular sailor's adage, "Red sky at night, sailor's delight," has officially been changed by the United States Coast Guard to, "Red sky at night, sailor's just might." There was no explanation given for the modification other than, "it was time for a change." The monthly publication Coast Guard Digest announced the news with a 4-page article in the November issue. One unnamed sailor offered this take: "It's definitely more 2011. Without a doubt it makes me more pumped to see a red sky. Before I was just delighted, now I just might fully commit to my fellow crew members to sail the next day." The second half of the saying, "Red sky in morning, sailor's warning," is now, "Red sky in morning, sailor's must get a hold of the latest weather report before leaving the docks."

Rooney's death eliminates long wait for the thousands on nation's eyebrow transplant list

Netflix CEO cancels subscription to Netflix

Los Gatos, CA--Reed Hastings, CEO of movie streaming and dvd-through-mail provider Netflix, after endless wavering, has finally decided to cancel his longtime subscription to Netflix after the company altered popular plans and raised prices. The company has lost over 800,000 subscribers since the policy change in September. "Back when I received word that prices were rising and plans were changing I put my account on hold to really put some thought into whether I wanted to remain a subscriber or not," Hastings told the San Jose Times Sentinel. "I am extremely bitter over the rise in price and have decided to end my consumer affiliation with Netflix." The CEO expressed regret that he was losing yet another customer, but said he may try to lure himself back by lowering prices in the near future. "If I decide to offer the old plan options I may return as a customer. Probably not though, I'm really upset with myself for raising prices."