Sunday, November 11, 2007

New drug allows players to see yellow line

New York, NY--The NFL has a new drug problem on their hands: Yellow-uana. This revolutionary drug allows players to see television's yellow first down line, one that only viewers at home are able to see. This drug has gone undetected for years, but became known to officials during an interview slip up.

After last week's game, running back Jim Taylorsville was describing a late fourth quarter effort to reach a first down: "I was able to make the catch and was hit immediately, but I could see the the yellow line was only a yard away...I mean...I only needed one more yard. Shit."

An investigation was launched the next day that revealed hundreds of players were involved in the use of Yellow-uana. The yellow line has appeared on telecasts since 1998, but officials have no idea how long the drug has been around.

"There really is no telling how far back this started. It could have been 1998, we don't know," said one NFL spokesperson. Yellow-uana, a pill and a liquid, has been added to the list of banned substances by the league.

Though the investigation is in its early stages and most players are not fully cooperating, officials have gathered some information. Several wide receivers and running backs have admitted that a tainted dose can cause a player to see several yellow lines on the field at one time.

One running back, who commented only on condition of anonymity, recounted a nightmare game: "It was wacky. I saw at least 20 yellow lines every time I touched the ball. I was freaking out. If [the officials] said I was short of the first down, I couldn't argue because there was always a yellow line ahead of where I was tackled."

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