Opponents of new Manhattan skyscraper say it will confuse giant apes

New York, NY--A proposed new skyscraper in Midtown Manhattan (center of picture) will be only 34 feet shorter than the Empire State Building (left) when completed. Many, including the owners of the iconic structure that has defined Midtown's skyline since 1931, are upset about the new building's close proximity. The frustration stems from confusing one of the city's largest and most dangerous visitors. "Let's just say that a large ape returns to the city one day," said Frank Dunmiller, managing director of the ESB. "This ape knows the Empire State Building from instinct. Therefore, placing another skyscraper of such stature close by will only confuse the beast. Do we really want a confused, giant ape running through the streets of New York? Or do we want a slightly less confused ape? I'll take the slightly less confused one." A vote last week approved the structure, and, some say, the fate of the city. "We're all doomed now! Doomed I tell you," shouted Mayor Michael Bloomberg at a press conference soon after the vote was announced. "You all just wait and see what happens the next time an enormous ape comes and terrorizes the city. We're going to have to dip seriously into my fund now." Bloomberg was referring to the King Kong Defense Fund, a monetary reserve, started last year, to assist in protection from and cleanup after gigantic ape visits to Manhattan.

Umpires permit Oswalt to bring rosin bag, pitching rubber into outfield to ease anxiety

Philadelphia, PA--Sixteen innings of baseball, over five hours of play, will empty seats, not only in the stadium but in the dugout as well. On Tuesday night, the Phillies and the Astros worked overtime to decide a game that was tied in the bottom of the ninth when Jimmy Rollins sent a solo shot into the right field seats.

That much time on the field will not only test stamina--although, it is baseball--but nerves and patience as well. The composure of all on the field are put to the test, including, like, oh, I don't know, the third base umpire Scott Barry.

Part of the reason the Phils bench was so empty, never mind the 16-inning marathon, was that Barry had thrown first baseman Ryan Howard out of the game in the 14th inning after the slugger questioned a checked swing called strike and then appeared to show up the umpire with body language. Actually, the tension between the two went back to earlier in the at bat, but, nonetheless, Howard's departure meant, other than pitchers, there was no one left to play the field.

Enter Roy Oswalt, the team's number two starting pitcher, recently acquired from ... Houston. Oswalt, who admitted later that he was terrified to play outfield, received a warm ovation from the remaining late night crowd. His anxiety was eased somewhat when an old, familiar, reliable friend (a friend to all pitchers) accompanied the pitcher to the land beyond the infield.

"I wasn't going out there without a rosin bag, and I told Charlie [Manuel] that," said Oswalt, who successfully fielded a fly ball bringing the fans to a roar and a smile to the Mississippi native. "At one point, I turned back, gave a wink to the rosin bag and said, 'Hey, rosin! You got to back me up if a ball gets past me. Ha, ha. You crack me up rosin bag.'"

The rosin bag is usually placed on the backside of the mound and used when pitchers feel they need a better grip on the ball to improve their control. To ease Oswalt even more, the grounds crew, between innings and before the pitcher took the field, quickly installed a pitching rubber that was flush with the grass turf.

"My comfort out there is really a credit to the grounds crew, and, even though they had a tough night, the umpires too for allowing me to take a rosin bag and a pitching rubber with me. It made me feel like I was on the mound. Yeah, it was like a mound out there, but just really, really far from home plate ... and not as hilly."

After catching the fly ball, Oswalt ran the handful of steps back to the grass-surrounded rubber, went through a stretch windup and threw the ball to the cutoff man. Wow, only in baseball!

Japanese economy claims Chinese economy unfairly passed them on double-yellow line road

Tokyo, Japan--Last week, it was reported that China's burgeoning economy had risen to number two in the world, finally surpassing the once roaring Japanese economy, the longtime holder of that penultimate position.

The archipelago nation, however, with 127 million people (and holding steady), 9 percent of the population of China, and nearly 25 times smaller in land area, is crying foul.

"It's not right," said Somi Takashumi, Japan's Minister of the Economy, during a rare display of emotion at a press conference on Monday. "China's economy has to play by the same rules that we all have to play by."

Takashumi, long critical and skeptical of fast growing economies with endless sources of cheap labor, especially in the region, claims to have learned of his country's fall to the third spot, listening, ironically, to TKO Radio, while driving to his downtown office complex on a winding, solid double-yellow line road just outside of Tokyo.

"The road was clearly marked with a double-yellow line, which indicates no passing. They use double-yellow lines for a reason, all over the world. It's not safe to pass other countries, er, vehicles because of a hill, curve or other view limiting conditions. It's not fair," complained Takashumi.

Seeing his country drop from the second spot could not have been easy for the Minister in his second, and, most likely, final ten-year term. The 84-year-old from Okinawa, who served as a pilot during World War II, studied economics at Hokkaido College and eventually earned a doctorate at Shikoku University, was instrumental in Japan's rise from the ashes to a prosperous technology-based economy.

"We make Honda, Toyota, Nissan, Kawasaki, Mazda, Isuzu, Mitsubishi, Lexus, Scion, Infiniti and Acura," said a sour Minister, scrambling to make his point. "I mean, what I'm trying to say is that the line was double-yellow. Does that not mean anything in today's society? It means no passing and it means this should be looked into."

The World Bank and the International Monetary Fund, neither holding the power to influence the world's economy size rankings, said they would investigate Japan's claim of driving in a no passing zone while learning of China's expanded economy.

"We don't usually do this kind of stuff, but we'll look into it. If, in fact, Minister Takashumi was driving on a road that was clearly marked with double-yellow lines, then we will shift the Chinese economy back to the third spot and return Japan to second. But, again, this is really not our thing," said Guy LaFontaine, a World Bank official.

Nation closes eyes, smiles and imagines Brett Favre's plane landing in Minnesota

Captain said he warned all 16 crew members not to gather on same side of ship at same time

Mumbai, India--The Taiwanese cargo ship Alba Varda carrying hundreds of containers from India to Long Beach, CA, began listing heavily to the left soon after all sixteen crew members aboard congregated for a cigarette break on the deck's port side. The crew attempted to run to the center, but by this time it was too late. Containers began breaking free from moorings, sliding across the rain-soaked deck and crashing overboard into the harbor. "I told each crew member individually, and made several announcements over the loud speaker, that coming together as a group on either side of the ship simultaneously would cause the ship to tip over," explained Captain Sven Alfredson, a 20-year veteran. "I even demonstrated my point in a canoe." The shipping company is blaming language barriers for the sinking of the vessel, as crews are often made up of numerous nationalities with varying levels of English. "There's no way anything was lost in translation," shouted the Captain. "I increasingly raised the volume of my voice so they would understand me. It's what I always do. Anyway, we had just left the docks and they aren't supposed to be taking breaks that soon into a two-ocean journey,"

City drivers removing wipers to stump Parking Authority, avoid tickets

Philadelphia, PA--Superman, as powerful as he was, was no match against kryptonite, the green-glowing rock that sapped his super strength when in his presence. Many in this city have wished there was a green-glowing rock that could melt away the powers of the PPA--The Philadelphia Parking Authority. They can stop wishing.

Have you received a parking ticket after your meter expired only minutes before? Did you leave your car for literally 20 seconds while dropping a letter into a curbside mailbox in the shadows of your vehicle, only to return to a signature blue and white PPA parking ticket staring at you? What? How did that get there and where did the parking enforcement officer go? Or perhaps, you've been egregiously illegally parking for years.

City drivers are fighting back by removing the windshield wipers from their automobiles to prevent Parking Authority workers from leaving paper violations. It is not clear where this idea began in the city, some say Pennsport and others say Fairmount, but the movement has been spreading fast and is common now in all neighborhoods.

"I don't know what to do because many cars that are parked illegally have no place to put tickets, so I can't really do anything," said PPA parking enforcement officer Jessica Miles. "I mean, just set it on the hood? That won't work."

"There's not much we can do," said Douglas Glass, a PPA official. "Article 10.1.4.17.223 of the PPA Ticket Issuing Manual reads that every ticket written or printed must be placed under the driver or passenger side windshield wiper. The manual specifically states, in the extremely rare instance when there are no wipers, to simply tear the ticket up and move on."

The PPA is losing massive amounts of revenue because of this new practice. Without wipers, parking tickets simply blow away, a waste of paper and valuable time. The Authority debated rewriting the procedures code to include windows and antennas as acceptable places to leave a ticket.

At first, the PPA attempted to give tickets for not having wipers, then quickly realized the problem with that plan.

"The public has finally found a loophole which may mean free parking for ever," said PPA President Tom Adams. "Well done public ... well done. But don't think you've won. After all, we are the Parking Authority. There may be a fat lady and she may be warming up by humming and doing other voice exercises, but she ain't singin' yet."

Klint Meesly of the Francisville neighborhood said, "I like free parking ... alot. But I'm not sure if it's worth it. I've had some horrible experiences recently when driving in the rain. Like, really horrible."

Dugout gets big laugh as Manuel tells injured Ross Gload to 'take a Gload off'

Philadelphia, PA--The Phillies suffered yet another injury last night as first baseman Ross Gload, filling in for the injured Ryan Howard, strained a groin while running to second on a sixth-inning double. Despite what feels like a record number of Phillies on the Disabled List (DL) this season, the team finds itself only 2.5 games out of first place, a credit to manager Charlie Manuel. His ability to keep the players relaxed, while facing adversity, was again evident last night. As the limping Gload approached the top of the dugout steps, with the help of a trainer, Manuel shouted: Hey Ross, sit down and take a Gload off. "I wanted to keep the dugout in good spirits, and, believe it or not, I thought of that line several weeks ago on a flight from Chicago to St Louis," said the Phillies' manager, now in his sixth year with the club. "Obviously, I didn't want Ross to ever get hurt, but, deep down, I couldn't wait to use that line. We all had a good laugh ... even Ross." Players and coaches promised to use the line on the next guy to get hurt.

Ready, Willing and ... Cable? Homeless working for hundreds of tv channels

Philadelphia, PA--The organization Ready, Willing and Able, "a work and job skills training program which helps homeless individuals in their efforts to become self-sufficient, contributing members of society," has made a significant change in their mission in order to attract more individuals into the program.

As an incentive, the program began offering members cable television in lieu of low wages as a form of payment for work performed. The organization officially changed its name in early March of this year to Ready, Willing and Cable.

"The numbers have skyrocketed," said New York admissions director, Frank Telford, about the sharp rise in enrollment since the announced name and policy change. "We unfortunately have been turning many away, but there is hope of new funding that would allow us to expand our workforce."

Ready, Willing and Cable agrees to provide vouchers for free cable television, good for organization-affiliated or non-affiliated worker' residences. The cable packages given are the top plans offered, which include On Demand, DVR-ready boxes and all the premium channels.

"I wouldn't step near Ready, Willing and Able before," said Francis Vernon, 46, a recent enrollee, "but I ran to Ready, Willing and Cable. I immediately signed on. I can't miss Mad Men, even though I've never seen it."

"I get more channels now then I ever did," said Jack Amteri, another member of the program, taking a break from sweeping to pull a batteryless remote control from his jacket pocket. "I may not eat as much now as I did before, but I can now watch a volleyball match between two upper Midwest liberal arts colleges."

"On Demand is a glorious, glorious thing," said Steven H., a coworker of Amteri's. "Have you seen The Pursuit of Happiness? Where was this movie 20 years ago?"

The nonprofit, part of the Doe Fund, Inc, with facilities in New York City and Philadelphia, reached an agreement with cable giant Comcast in February to provide free cable to all enrolled.

"Part of the Comcast mission is to serve the community, you know, give back," said Gail Silvers, the company's community relations director. "The only thing we wanted in return was for the program's participants to prosper, and, this seems only fair, to wear uniforms displaying the Comcast logo along with a picture of the new On Demand screen."

Several weeks into the new compensation format, however, a somewhat significant problem was uncovered: three of every five workers did not own a television.

"I worked my butt off for two weeks, received my cable vouchers, called the cable company for installation, sat down on the living room crates and ... there was no TV," said Neil Travers, 39, a graduate of the program three years ago who was lured back by the thought of 557 channels. "The cable guy was going to be at my place any min ... er, day. He did say no later than a week or three."

The organization's board said the lack of televisions problem never surfaced in the countless, laborious meetings leading up to the payment decision. "I don't know ... it never came up," said one board member. "It just never came up."

New Jersey hermit crab population on the rise, beach souvenir shops in heaven

Sea Isle City, NJ--Timmy Hubert, 6, ran down aisle 4 of the Hoy's Five and Ten shop, a miniature, throwback department store, sporting flip flops and a light sunburn. Grinning from ear to ear, he came to rest at the countless cages of hermit crabs strategically placed at the store's center.

"I love these guys," said the youngster, not taking his eyes off the cages. "No T-shirts or saltwater taffy for me. I want a hermit crab. Look at them all."

Crabs in all shapes and sizes listlessly crawled across the bottom or clung, putting on a show perhaps, to the cage's wire enclosure. Last year, Hubert, at this same store, had only one cage to choose from.

Where have all the hermit crabs come from? Imported from the hermit crab belt in Southeast Asia? Though that was seriously considered at one point, the surge in numbers begins right here off the Garden State's shores.

"It's been a great year for us," said Sally Bossel, manager of the town's Hoy's Five and Ten. "We've been selling hermit crabs like crazy. We haven't been able to offer a selection like this in years. The population is booming and we still can't meet the demand."

Scientists are not exactly certain why hermit crab numbers have exploded this year. Some have linked it to the heavy winter snow, while others say high levels of raw sewage in the Atlantic Ocean caused by heavy runoff from strong spring and summer thunderstorms is the reason.


Jim Taylor and his son Harry have been in the hermit crabbing business together for almost twenty years. They use their boat, Hermit the Frog, to catch the small, shell-dwelling crustaceans in the waters off New Jersey.

"We've never had catches like this," said the younger Taylor, unloading two enormous nets from the 57 ft vessel with a dock crane near Townsends Inlet. "We are supplying tourist souvenir shops up and down the coasts of Jersey, Maryland and Delaware. We've even had requests from shops on Long Island."

There is, however, a tradeoff. With larger catches comes more casualties for crew members of the 1,023 hermit crabbing fleets of New Jersey. The state's crabbing commission reports 48 crew members have been killed and 17 maimed by hermit crabs this season, which is more than the last two years combined.

"It's not easy. We have a tough job, but someone has to supply vacationing children with pets that will soon be forgotten after returning home," said an 8-fingered Fergus O'Malley, a hermit crabber out of Strathmere, NJ. "Parents often learn the hard way that you can't flush a hermit crab down the toilet when boredom sets in."

This sudden increase in hermit crab activity off the coast has prompted the Discovery Channel to consider adding one of the state's ships to the "cast" of Deadliest Catch.

Scientists are also at a loss when it comes to explaining why such a dangerous creature in the sea, killing thousands of crabsmen annually around the world, become such docile, lovable creatures once caged and given a "home" on dry land.

"That's something we still have not yet figured out," said Hanover Schmidt, a hermit crab expert in Halifax, Nova Scotia. "We've conducted surveys, questionnaires ... everything. There is something that triggers this ferocious creature into a friendly, adorable pet. Unfortunately, our grant money may run out before we find the answer."

PBS to finally release hilarious outtakes from Ken Burns' Baseball documentary

New York, NY--Director Ken Burns has finally agreed to release the hilarious outtakes from his hit 1994 documentary series Baseball. The nearly 20-hour film, covering the history of America's pastime, included plenty of antics on and off the set that will be made into a blooper reel and shown on PBS in the fall. When asked why, 16 years after the movie's debut, the outtakes were being made public, Burns responded, "Every time some of Baseball's crew got together to talk old times, we would watch the blooper reel. And we were all like, wouldn't comedy fans everywhere love this?" One blunder shows Babe Ruth wearing Nike spikes and holding an aluminum bat while the narrator describes how the legend made it out of roof rain gutters from his boyhood Baltimore orphanage. One fan of the series was elated by the news. "I can just tell that there are going to be some classic Ken Burns bloopers. Just like the blooper extras from The National Parks: Americas Best Idea DVD," said Steven Bullard, 48, a Burlington, VT resident and an extra in The Civil War. "Nobody does bloopers like Ken."

Lingering Winter: As temperatures flirt with triple digits, when does the right to shoveled parking spaces end?

Above: An August 1, 2010, photo of a city resident using patio chairs to save a parking space that was shoveled out during last winter's deluge of snow.

Philadelphia, PA--It is August in South of South, a neighborhood in southwest Center City, and traffic on the local streets is light as many have made their way to barbecues on sidewalks, front steps, back decks, brick patios, or brick decks (a craze in the late 1890s).

The few cars, however, that can be found on the roadways are circling the tight blocks. The occupants may be running late for one of the gatherings that are producing the many familiar smells of summer: grilled hot dogs, hamburgers, steak, freshly made m&m's, or soy chicken patties. Some of these motorists may even be carrying the final ingredient to a dish, partygoers waiting patiently, or, even more importantly, may be transporting the main dish itself.

The cars continue to circle, like vultures waiting to dive, in search of a parking spot to rest the moving metal mass propelled by the combustion engine. On one block are three empty spaces, well, sort of, but not really. Parked in these spots are six kitchen and patio chairs--two in each space. The chairs are a claim to the roughly 8 ft by 15 ft asphalt rectangle, like Sooners storming the Oklahoma countryside, or a flag on an Iwo Jima hilltop.

Why are the chairs here and how, being left unattended, have they withstood the temptations of many Philadelphians to move them or smash them into unrecognizable pieces? Philadelphia, along with many Northeast and Mid-Atlantic cities, experienced one of the harshest winters ever last season, as record-obliterating snow totals crippled the region.

Kevin Graham, 52, a lawyer in University City, owns one set of these chairs. He claims that the extreme winter last year gives him the right to this spot for at least a year. The chairs are his marking, his Nike swoosh.

"How quickly everyone forgets about all those blizzards we had last winter," Graham said with a slightly raised voice, adding that he was born and raised in the city. "In February, I was in the hospital for a week with back spasms after carving out a space for my Honda Civic from all that snow. I drive daily to work and so this spot is mine until December 2010. It's as simple as that."

One set of parking-spot-saving chairs includes a rubber band-fastened note (pictured above) explaining the reasoning behind the placement: "I shoveled this spot last winter." The short, simple sentence is supposed to make those who pass, in automobiles seeking a place to rest, say, "Oh, that person worked hard seven months ago, so he or she deserves this sacred pasture."

The chair's partner features taped and laminated pictures from the winter wonderland that was December, January and February of '09-'10 (pictured below), to better reinforce--and prove--this point.

Graham's and his like minded neighbors' reasoning is not understood by most on the block. The three spot-saving families have been castigated by the community.

"I busted my butt too last February, just look at these blisters," shouted fellow block neighbor Marsha Vanderslice, turning her calloused, raw palms skyward. "You don't see me saving a space on the street. The only time I ever LEGALLY held one was when I moved here ... 12 years ago. The limit is one week after a snow storm. ONE WEEK!"

"I called the city," said Ben Stevenson, another neighbor. "Guess what they said? They said that he's got every right to claim that spot as long as he can prove that he shoveled it out. When I asked if they knew it was August, they transferred me to the fix-a-pothole helpline."

CAP'N CRUNCH to feature commerative box once oil spill is permanently capped

Club Provocative refuses to have Carl Weatherstripping

Philadelphia, PA--Is actor Carl Weathers, who also played briefly in the NFL, desperate for cash? The 62-year-old actor, who has appeared in such hit films as Predator, The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang, the Rocky series and Happy Gilmore, says no and that his latest career move is aimed to help the environment. Help the environment? How can Carl Weathers stripping help the environment?

"No, no, no! Eliminate the space between Weathers and stripping, drop an 's' and you have your answer," Weathers said, laughing hysterically. "I will not, under any circumstances, be removing my clothes in front of an audience of ladies for marketing, charity or any other reason."

Carl Weatherstripping, Inc is the name of the actor's newest venture and aims to better protect homes and businesses from the elements, save energy, and, more importantly during the current financial crisis, reduce climate control bills for families and businesses. A reference to Weather's character in the Rocky movies, the product, which comes in multiple sizes, is lined with small caricatures of Apollo Creed punching the air with the slogan: "Punch out that cold or hot air."

The company will be based out of New Orleans, LA and will produce door and window insulation lining that can be used either during the construction phase or, for older structures, to close existing breaches in airy entryways.

"This stuff is great," said Weathers in a very serious tone, standing in front of posters showing the lab coat-wearing actor standing next to six scientists examining a piece of his weatherstripping, beakers boiling in the foreground with a blue substance spilling over the rims. "My home heating bills have plummeted since installing this stuff. My film viewing room has a lot of windows and was always very drafty. No more! Carl Weatherstripping has shut down the drafts. Punched them right out."

In town this week to promote this new brand of insulation, Weathers was spotted at a popular gentlemen's club, and rumors began to swirl that a special ladies night would be held as the main marketing event of the visit. The night, according to sources, would be called: Carl Weathers stripping for Carl Weatherstripping.

The owners of the region's "most important gentlemen's club" have issued a statement regarding Carl Weathers stripping. These owners felt the confusion that ensued after the club sighting of the star from the 1988 action film Action Jackson needed to be addressed.

"Carl WILL NOT be stripping to promote his new product at Club Provocative for a special ladies night," Roger Clifton said, one of the co-owners of the company. "Carl Weatherstripping is a fantastic product, however, Carl Weathers stripping is not. He signed autographs and gave the staff here a thorough demonstration of how effective the product is for sealing a home or business and reducing heating and cooling bills."

All Club Provocatives, the actual structures, have been going green in recent months. Three of the five sites have installed solar power, while two clubs, the Northeast not included, have reinsulated using the latest spray foam technology. All of the clubs have instituted strict recycling programs, even saving plastic #'s 3,4,5,6 and 7, materials not collected by the city or surrounding counties.

"Yes, we're committed to creating greener, more environmentally friendly clubs," said Dave Courtwright, manager of the Club Provocative in the city's Northeast section. "But, that being said, I'm not installing Carl weatherstripping here because its not good for business. It's just ... flat out not good for business. We will insulate with a generic, but top quality, brand of weatherstripping. I mean no disrespect to Carl, he's a great guy."

One club senior manager, who wanted to remain anonymous, said the actor's brand of weatherstripping was the best he had ever seen and that if the product was called, for example, Scantily Clad Ladies Weatherstripping, Club Provocative would be airtight.

BP's images of capped leak coming from set of Water World

Above: Crowds gather on the set of Water World to watch the Gulf "oil leak" be capped. The "capping" is repeated every half-hour for groups of tourists on the Universal Studio tour.

Universal City, CA--Every 30 minutes, tours at Universal Studios break into raucous cheers soon after settling into the cramped grandstand seats of Lot 21A, the set of Water World, the 1995 film starring Kevin Costner. The leftover, rusted metal in this fictional, floating world--a post-polar ice cap melting world-- is just as popular a destination today as it was 15 years ago.

Why the cheers? No, they're not for a half-naked, catamaran-riding Costner stunt double. They are for something much less steamy, yet much more relevant.

On cue, set crew members release a small amount of petroleum from an underwater "oil well," which quickly bubbles to the surface and dirties the already-dingy water. Crowds erupt with applause when the oil leak stops and a voice over the arena's intercom system announces: "The leak is fixed. Please, watch your step as you exit the theater at the bottom right. Universal Studios thanks you for visiting. Donations to help pay for the making of Water World are much appreciated."

BP began leasing the set of Water World only two days before the leak was "capped" last week, to film images of the "Gulf oil spill," which the company then released to the media and posted on its own website.

The company acknowledged that the 24-hour camera, positioned on the Deep Horizon oil spill, to keep the public up-to-date of the catastrophe, is actually being broadcast from the set of one of the most expensive (and disastrous) movies ever made--fitting for one of the most expensive oil disasters.

So serious is the company about putting the public at ease with encouraging, pleasing images, that they have purchased a movie clapboard in order to film multiple takes of the 'leak.' The capped well scenes are being captured by Moon Landing Productions, the same film company, that, you guessed it, shot the moon landing.

"It's a lot easier to film the leak here in sunny California on a set than in the deep, murky waters of the Gulf of Mexico," one BP official said. "Recreating and filming the 'leak' here has made it much, much easier to fix. I am much more relaxed when I watch the video of the 'spill' online now. We hope to have a permanent solution by early August ... that is, for the California 'leak.'"

"There are no storms to deal with or pesky wildlife. I think I may stay in California after this is all over," said Roger S., a deep sea diver with the Iowa Diving Company, one of the diving contractors originally working off the coast of Louisiana. "Though the Gulf oil leak is too deep for divers, the studio 'well' is only two feet below the surface. As a result, we had to make some adjustments to create a deep sea setting."

Among those adjustments were making the water a bit murkier, to prevent light from passing through easily, a common characteristic of deep ocean water.

Why all the effort to move to southern California? The energy company was looking to cut costs on the cleanup, and, by moving the repair operations to Universal Studios, will save nearly one billion dollars. The studio is also paying BP a small fee for simulating an oil spill for each tour group.

"I told BP that even though they were leasing the set--actually, only a small underwater space--it would still be part of Universal Studio tours," said Dana Gilbright, a Universal spokeswoman. "That's when BP came up with the idea of staging a fixed oil leak every half-hour. The tourists seem to really love it."

Above: A "leaked" photo from the set of a California movie studio where crews are recreating the Gulf oil spill. "My mind is much more at ease knowing that the well images are coming from a studio," said one BP official.

Lebron's 'Decision' show to become part of ABC's fall lineup

New York, NY--The Walt Disney Company, which owns both ABC and ESPN television networks, was thrilled with the ratings for NBA superstar LeBron James' hour-long free agency decision show. So much so that ABC has signed the show to a long-term deal--at least, long-term for a new show.

It has been estimated, by Philadelphia based Cooper-Sinclair Ratings, Inc, that for every 10 households watching tv last Thursday, 8.7 were tuned in to ESPN to learn of the "King's" future team.

The show will become part of the network's Thursday night lineup in an effort to challenge NBC's current dominance over one of tv's most popular viewing nights. LeBron's Decision, as the show will be called, will be an hour-long program focusing on one or two choices, large or small, facing mega-star.

"What will LeBron have for dinner on the flight home from Salt Lake City?" asked ABC executive Paul Lizmore. "I don't know, but I'm certainly going to tune in on Thursdays at 9 PM to find out. He has to make a decision about what in-flight meal he'll have and ABC will be there when does. Will he put the tray table down or decide to leave it up? But it's not just a show on what food he'll eat or how far back he'll put his seat."

Lizmore confirmed that this is an all-access show. There are no limits, as the network will have 24-hour access to James five days a week. If James is unavailable, however, a friend or family member will be the subject of the show for that particular week.

It's possible that one episode could be entirely about what type of orthodics the small forward chooses to wear, if he chooses to wear any at all. When a buddy calls and asks for a ride, will LeBron choose to go pick up the friend, who may or may not be waiting in the rain somewhere, or will he continue to play Wii for another hour or so?

"I thought the show last Thursday went really well," said a goggle-wearing James, while taking a break from riding the Miami Heat's team swamp boat in Everglade National Park. "ABC approached me about possibly continuing the show in the fall. I decided to make a 20 episode commitment. This is going to be a blast. So, tune in America. Will I put mustard or ketchup on that hot dog? Gotta tune in to find out."

World Cup: Wawa regretting World Cup ad campaign

Wawa, PA--A year ago, six Wawa executives sat in a sun-drenched conference room inside the convenience store's headquarters and pondered a very risky move for the privately owned company. Only weeks before, the ambitious marketing department presented to the executives the idea of advertising Wawa at the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

"I remembered reading an article in the New York Times about how the World Cup has billions of viewers over the course of the tournament," said Sally Hollins, a Wawa marketing representative. "I remember thinking, 'That many people like soccer? Isn't that the one where you can't use your hands?' With viewership like that, we should advertise there."

Five of the six big wigs that day were thoroughly impressed with the idea of international exposure, which was enough for approval. "Wawa is a Mid-Atlantic convenience and gasoline store," said board member Reese Johnson, sitting, arms folded, with a ham and turkey shorti hoagie before him. "We don't operate internationally. These ads were, for the most part, directed at people who don't even have access to Wawa's. They couldn't shop there even if they wanted to. I was adamant that advertising at the World Cup was not fiscally wise. Let's expand in the U.S. before overseas."

The company paid $57 million to have a midfield, sideline electronic billboard advertisement appear during each of the 64 globally televised matches played all across South Africa's packed stadiums. During the final match alone, between Spain and the Netherlands, the Wawa ad was seen by an estimated 750 million people worldwide.

"After we sent the order form in, along with the $57 million check, we get a call from the marketing organizers in South Africa asking who we were and what our company did," laughed Ron Dempster, Wawa's head of marketing. "They had no idea who we were. The guy didn't even know what a hoagie was. I had to spell hoagie for him. But, damn it, I told him the whole world will soon know what a hoagie is. By God, if it's the last thing I do, the world will know what a hoagie is."

Wawa currently operates hundreds of stores in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland and Virginia. With the massive-scale exposure that the World Cup provides, the company was forging plans to open a food-only store in Durban, South Africa and a yet-to-be-determined site in Ghana.

"The World Cup only occurs every 3 or 4 years," said Dempster. "This was a golden opportunity for Wawa. I feel like we can now set our sights on big markets, such as Paris, London or Berlin to open our first international store that serves gas. Europeans love their cars, I would say, even more so than Americans. There is a love affair with big, oversized cars on that continent."

Wawa has been aggressively closing its stores that do not sell gasoline, usually located in cities or towns where space is limited, in favor of wide open suburbia, where some mega-stores offer parking for fifty or more cars and feature 40 fuel pumps.

Marketing directors for the World Cup, based in Johannesburg, reported little outside interest in the convenience store company as the ads appeared at the edge of the pitch through group play. This changed dramatically, however, once the elimination round commenced.

"The phone didn't stop ringing during the round of 16," said Scott Van Silj, the South African director of marketing for FIFA, about Wawa inquiries. "People wanted to know what Wawa was. What did they do? Did they have a field office in Mumbai? Do they deliver whatever they make or do to Bolivia? What language was Wawa? How do you spell Wawa? Do they design buildings? Did you say hoagie? The Wawa website has been blocked in my county, what can I do?"

Before the ads began showing in South Africa, most of the company's higher-ups felt this campaign would be the best thing for the business since touch screen ordering arrived in 1999. "Perhaps that $57 million could have been better utilized. Like, maybe, reintroducing mini Pizza Huts and Taco Bells into all of our stores," said one anonymous store manager.

World Cup: FIFA to fine player for sleeveless shirt

Above: Spain's Andres Iniesta celebrates the most important goal in the nation's history, which secured a 1-0 win over the Netherlands to capture the FIFA World Cup on Sunday. The celebration, however, will cost the midfielder. After scoring the goal, Iniesta removed his jersey, thereby exposing a sleeveless shirt beneath with the message: "This Shirt Has No Sleeves." FIFA, soccer's governing body, has a strict no sleeveless shirt policy for all players involved in international competition. It is likely that Iniesta will receive a yellow card for the stunt and be forced to pay a sizable fine. "I wanted to show FIFA that shirts with no sleeves are really not all that bad. I guess I pushed it a bit by taunting them with a written message," said a quiet Iniesta.

World Cup: Spain's Prime Minister promises to release bulls into streets if team wins ... or loses

Madrid, Spain--Spain's Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero stood before a throng of Spanish soccer supporters on Saturday morning in famous Plaza Mayor and sarcastically pleaded with the crowds to celebrate responsibly should the country capture the coveted golden trophy on Sunday night.

"Hey, Coors Light wants me to remind you guys to drink responsibly," said a smiling Zapatero, wearing a David Villa jersey, to the estimated 25,000 backers, who all laughed at the idea of thinking before drinking. "Yeah, Spain's had a designated driver since June 11."

From the coast of the Mediterranean to the Bay of Biscay, this soccer-mad country has come to a halt since the national team beat Germany on Wednesday to advance to their first-ever World Cup Final--a fact difficult to fathom given the rich football tradition in this Iberian peninsula nation.

"This has been a wonderful time for Spain," said Prime Minister Zapatero. "We are one win away from complete pandemonium. I mean, crazy, serious pandemonium. I mean scary pandemonium."

Plazas all over the country from Alicante to A Coruna have turned into massive viewing areas for each game of the 2010 FIFA World Cup. These plazas and connecting, often winding streets could become even more rowdy--if that is even possible--in the next few days.

The Spanish leader explained: "I had this idea the other night. It's kind of crazy, but hear me out. What if we round up thousands of sharp-horned, massive bulls and, stay with me, released them into the streets of Spain's cities and towns. People would have to dodge them and run from them and it could be a really great time or a really terrible time. I don't know if it's ever been done, but let's give it a try. It sounds fun. It could become a tradition or something. I promise to let bulls run wild through the streets whether we win or lose on Sunday."

Spain is widely known for bull fighting, but has never let these same red-seeking bulls run haphazardly through the streets of any of the nation's picturesque towns.

"Letting bulls run through the streets unsupervised could have deadly repercussions," said Juan Hernandez, one of Spain's most well-known bull fighters who retired in 1999. "It's never been done before. It's an idea that is a little bit ludicrous."

World Cup: Japan, North Korea, South Korea, offended by yellow cards

Sleepy's finally yields to pressure, changes ad jingle by bitter ex-husband

Bethpage, NY--Apparently, the Mattress Professionals are not marketing professionals. Sleepy's mattress and bedding store launched a radio and television ad campaign that included the controversial musical slogan: "Trust the Mattress Professionals doing it right. Trust Sleepy's, but don't trust your wife."

The jingle caused a major public outcry demanding the ads be altered or removed from the airwaves. The chain, with stores in the northeast, has experienced an increase in sales since first airing the commercials, which, the company denies, is the reason behind the delays in implementing changes.

Several organizations launched retaliatory words in response to the radio spots. Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) called the ads "despicable." Daughters Against Drunk Driving (DADD) said, "We feel the same way that MADD feels about the ads. What did MADD say about the ads?"

"Wow! We screwed up. We, er, I, take full responsibility and have corrected the situation. I was upset, I guess," said Bill Hagers, the Sleepy's marketing executive responsible for the tune, who, admittedly, recently went through a nasty divorce. "I will get to see the kids on weekends, though. I really didn't want the Hampton house. Oh, who am I kidding, I loved that house. That house had the best mattresses."

The new jingle, "Trust the Mattress Professionals doing it right. Trust Sleepy's: ba da ba ba ba, I'm lovin' this comfortable thing," should replace the old ads by Thanksgiving.

Report: Cast of Diff'rent Strokes bullied Gooch into attending Coleman funeral

Provo, UT--At the funeral last month for Gary Coleman, the actor best known for his role as Arnold Jackson on the hit television show Diff'rent Strokes, former cast members of the sitcom gathered to pay their respects to the one-time child star.

One cast member that decided to make an appearance, however, had the gathered masses in absolute shock.

Arnold Jackson's former nemesis on the show, the local school's bully, known as the Gooch, decided to finally make peace with Coleman by traveling across the country to Utah. It was the first public appearance for the Gooch since the show ended in 1986.

The Gooch, who never appeared on screen, was played by Steven Gooch (pictured below, right) of Athens, GA. Off camera the two were as unfriendly to each other as their characters on the show.

"It's no secret," said the Gooch. "Gary and I didn't get along in front of or behind the camera. It was what it was. But, I will say this: I always respected his energy on the show."

Asked to comment on reports that the two had attempted a reconciliation in the past, the Gooch, as he prefers to be called, said there was talk of a truce in 1996, but it never materialized.

"They were supposed to meet under the Arch in St Louis, in the middle of the country, you know, neutral territory," recalled actor Conrad Bain, who played Phillip Drummond on the show. "To my knowledge, Gary never showed up. Or maybe neither of them showed. I don't know. This onion dip is fantastic, though."

At the conclusion of the funeral, the Gooch, who owns and operates 5 Denny's Restaurants in Georgia and South Carolina, made no effort to talk with the very cast members that pressured him into coming to Utah in the first place. Instead, the small screen bully, donning dark sunglasses and a white leather trench coat, was whisked away by his own private security entourage and into a waiting limousine.

Todd Bridges, who played Diff'rent Strokes' Willis Jackson, was pleased to see that the Gooch showed up to the funeral and that "apparently he got Conrad's and my message." Bridges would not go into detail about the message, but said that a horse's head was involved.

Staples Center Director to be charged for dropping staples with confetti after Lakers' victory

Los Angeles, CA--On June 17 at the Staples Center, the Lakers captured their 16th NBA title by beating the Boston Celtics in a hard fought seven-game series.

Following the series-clinching victory, an 83-79 come-from-behind rally, confetti began to rain from the rafters in Laker purple, gold and white. Mixed in with the floating, twisting paper, however, were metal staples--an unusual ingredient when recognizing a championship.

Several players and hundreds of fans reported injuries from the paper fasteners soon after the on-court celebration began. Some staples fell with such force that they became lodged in the wood basketball court.

Jack Nicholson was later taken to a local hospital to have over 10,000 staples removed from his back and arms, which were raised to protect his head. "It wasn't pleasant, but it gave me a great idea for a movie," said the actor several days later.

Staples Inc., the office supply store, purchased the naming rights to the Lakers' home arena soon before its completion in 1999. It is believed that the company had no prior knowledge that staples would be part of the arena's post game revelry.

The arena's director, Vance Smithton, 52, is now being charged with over 900 counts of reckless endangerment. It is believed that Smithton came up with the idea to drop staples as a marketing stunt for the office company only days before game seven. Staples Inc. or arena employees did not become alarmed or suspicious when the director ordered 50,000 boxes of staples. (Staples Inc. provides free office supplies to the arena.)

"I really miscalculated this one," said Smithton, before being lightly shoved into the back of an LAPD police car parked in front of the Staples Center. "I just thought dropping staples at Staples Center would be cool. It makes sense. Am I right? Go Clippers."

Struggling Indianapolis 500 to be held at Churchhill Downs, horses to replace cars, will be called Kentucky Derby

Louisville, KY--A group of board members from the Indianapolis 500 and the Indianapolis Motor Speedway gathered at the main entrance to the grandstands of Churchill Downs early yesterday morning, dew still covering the nearby infield grass, to announce some "minor" changes to, what at one time, was one of the world's most famous automobile races.

The Indy car race, which struggles to stay relevant these days, along with the Indy Series, is held every Memorial Day weekend each year, will be moving about 115 miles to the south, across the state line, to Kentucky beginning in 2011. Gone will be the Indy cars. Gone will be the name. And gone will be the entire race from the city of Indianapolis and the state of Indiana

"We're not canceling the Indianapolis 500. I want that to be clear. We're tweaking it," said Bart Antonelli, the historic race's director, trying his best to keep the mood light. "I really wanted to keep the race in Indianapolis, but it just wasn't in the cars ... er, cards. By holding the race in Kentucky, we're saving the race and all of the tradition that goes along with it. Louisville is only a 2-hour drive from Indianapolis."

When asked about replacing the cars with horses, Antonelli became short with a reporter, saying the question was irrelevant. Many have pointed to the extremely low television ratings of the race as the reason behind the changes, but the race's organizers were quick to dismiss this misnomer.

"The race is doing fine, but it won't be called the Indianapolis 500 at Churchhill Downs. Indianapolis or 500 will not be part of the title at all. It will simply be called the Kentucky Derby," said Antonelli. "Fans will not be able to tell the difference because the Indianapolis 500 will be the Kentucky Derby. Is everyone following me? I feel like I'm losing some people here."

Asked if the "auto" race will still be held over Memorial Day weekend, the board, nodding as if thanking the journalist for the reminder, informed the gathered media that it will now be held on the first Saturday in May. This is the day that the Kentucky Derby is currently held. "See," said Antonelli, about the identical dates and start times. "You won't be able to tell the difference."

East Coast Restaurant Owners Breathe Sigh of Relief as Mexico Soccer Plays Between Meals

Boston, MA--Harry McNulty sported a broad smile as he sat at the bar holding a frosted glass of Samuel Adams Summer Ale. The owner of Tullimore's Grill, a neighborhood gastropub only three blocks from the Boston Common, was seated next to Carlos Gutierrez, 21, a cook at the restaurant since coming the United States nearly two years ago.

McNulty was also joined on the unusually high stools by other members of the kitchen staff including Edgar Humberto, Hugo Martin, Justino Hernandez and Jesus Mercedes, all hailing from, like Gutierrez, the Mexican state of Puebla. The men were staring at the high definition flat screen television mounted above the bar with sweating bottles of untouched, lime-capped Coronas standing before them.

"We were freaking out a little," said Marcus O'Leary, a bartender originally from Cork, Ireland. "We didn't know who would be coming in today."

The bartender's--and the owner's--concern was based on what was being shown on the perfectly clear image beaming from the elevated screen. Two soccer powerhouses, Mexico and Argentina, were squaring off in a round of 16 World Cup game at 2:30 PM ET.

"When the schedule came out," said McNulty, standing with one arm around an uncomfortable Gutierrez, "I was pretty relieved that Mexico's game fell between lunch and dinner. Wasn't I Carl? I mean, we draw a pretty good crowd on Sundays. Carl loves soccer."

Just about all of the kitchen staff outright confessed that the game would come first and, had the match been played during a busy meal time, would unfortunately be "sick around a yet to be determined time." McNulty, in appreciation of the staff''s hard work and commitment, treated the workers to an open bar and an all-you-can-eat lunch with front row seats at the bar to watch their beloved El Tri --Mexico's national soccer team.

"I would have come in," laughed Mercedes, as his coworkers razzed him for kissing up to the boss, who was within earshot. "No, I really would have. Mexico always disappoints in the Copa Mundial [World Cup]."

Apparently, many restaurants up and down the east coast imitated McNulty's gesture and invited staff to watch the game on the establishments' televisions or brought in tv's if none were on site.

Other cities, particularly in the Mountain and Pacific time zones, reported virtual shutdowns of the restaurant industry, as the game started at 12:30 PM and 11:30 AM, respectively.

The Denver metro area may have been the hardest hit where it was estimated that over 5,000 restaurant employees called in "sick" just before the opening tap. Phoenix and Los Angeles each estimated the number of absent workers was close to 3,000. Even Chicago, located in the Central time zone, where the game started at 1:30 PM, experienced the effects of the soccer-mad nation to the south.

As the game was winding down, Argentina was well in command holding a 3-1 lead over Mexico. Mercedes, still seated at the lightly crowded Tullimore bar alongside his countrymen, reached over and tapped a slouching Martin on the shoulder. "See, they always disappoint. But hold your head high my friend because it's only four more years until they disappoint again."

At the conclusion of the game, McNulty jumped from his stool, clapped and yelled loudly, indicating "fun time" was over, cleared away the workers unfinished food and drinks and quickly shuffled the sullen workers back into the kitchen. "Thank heaven," said an elated McNulty, now seated at the bar by himself sipping a pint of Guinness. "I don't have to see or talk to those guys, or watch soccer, for four more years."

Inexperienced Honduras attempts shin guard exchange following game

Above: Spain's David Villa, left, is unsure why Honduras' Amado Guevara is offering his sweaty shin guard following a World Cup game in Johannesburg, South Africa. Tradition usually calls for an exchange of jerseys at the conclusion of a match; however, this is only Honduras' second-ever World Cup appearance and first since 1982. "After our first game, many of the players attempted to exchange shoe laces with the Chilean players, who appeared extremely confused," said Guevara, referring to a 1-0 loss on June 16 against the narrow, mountainous South American country. "The Chileans told us that shin guards, and not shoe laces, were normally exchanged after a game. It's a hazing thing I guess. We're the new guys."

Scoreboard operator taken to hospital as Portuagal scores seven goals

Cape Town, South Africa--The soccer match between Portugal and North Korea earlier today turned into a lopsided, record-setting victory for the European team. Portugal prevailed, 7-0, making a strong statement not only to the rest of Group G but to the entire World Cup field.

Forgotten during this impressive display of offense was the only reported injury from the game. An injury that occurred high above the field.

Green Point Stadium's scoreboard controller, Marc Jensen, 28, of Bellville, South Africa was taken to Cape Hospital shortly after Portugal scored its fourth goal. Doctors expect Jensen to make a full recovery mentally, but feel it is highly unlikely that he will ever walk again. His days of working soccer scoreboards may be over.

"This was pretty traumatic for Marc," said Doctor Sven Thompson at a press conference in the hospital's lobby. "That flurry of goals at the start of the 2nd half was unlike anything he had ever seen. He's a warrior, though, so I wouldn't be surprised if he battles back to the booth one day."

Jensen had risen through the competitive ranks of scoreboard operating rather quickly. He became the youngest operator in South Africa at the age of 25 and was named Scoreboard Operator of the Year in 2008 by FIFA.

"This was his first World Cup," said Don Van Honen, Jensen's longtime mentor. "He's just a kid. After Portugal scored their third goal he contacted me by walkie talkie. He said,'Don, I've never seen a team score more than two goals. What do I do? Get up here. Quick!' He was so scared. By the time I made it to the booth he was passed out on the floor. There was urine everywhere."

Jensen's Facebook page displays pictures of him diving with great white sharks off the coast of South Africa, base jumping, skydiving and climbing steep mountain faces. "This was just too much for him," said Steph Jensen, Marc's mother, about seven goals in a soccer game. "Just too damn much."

Soda Tax out, but Soda Tacks ... could be in

Philadelphia, PA--The controversial Soda Tax essentially died a few weeks ago, as City Council passed a budget without including a tax on the sweetened beverages. Many laughed at the idea saying a tax on soda is like "a tax on Sprite or Coke or any other kind of soda."

The beverage tax was aimed not only to raise desperately needed revenue for the city, but also reduce the consumption of sugary drinks that overwhelmingly contribute to the nation's--and the City's-- childhood obesity epidemic.

"Obesity is a major problem in this country," said Dr Jim Bartolo, a nutrition doctor at Pennsylvania Hospital in Center City. "I commend Philadelphia for taking a stand against the soft drink giants. At least [Mayor] Nutter tried."

And, according to sources within City Hall, the Mayor is about to try again, this time with the Soda Tacks Bill. The Bill, which could possibly be introduced as early as Monday, appears to have strong support within City Council.

Under the Soda Tacks, sharp, metal thumb tacks would be systematically placed on top of, on the sides of and occasionally inside cans and bottles of soda that are bottled, packaged and sold in Philadelphia County. If the Soda Tacks passes, bottling companies would be required, by law, to participate in the placement of tacks, that will feature the City's seal, on all sodas.

"Obviously, we're going to lose a few people along the way," said Councilwoman Debra Sizemore about the placement of loose tacks inside cans and bottles. "It's unfortunate but very necessary if we really want to curb our City's consumption of soft drinks."

"Our hope is that residents of Philadelphia will be so frightened to drink soda that their consumption of the beverage will plummet," said Tom Billinger, president of No Duh, Soda, a group that encourages children to drink more ice tea and Gatorade. "Imagine for a minute an unsuspecting young child attempting to grab a can of soda and instead suffering multiple shallow cuts to the hand. That could be their last soda. This is a brilliant Bill ... just brilliant."

Some viewed the Soda Tacks in a different light. "This is going to create so many jobs for the city," said one state representative who wanted to remain anonymous. "It will require lots of manpower to fasten all of these tacks to the sides of cans. This is exciting."

Soft drink companies have been surprisingly receptive to the Soda Tacks. Though vehemently against the Soda Tax, the companies believe their customers are so addicted to their product that no matter how sharp the metal tacks on a can, they will keep coming back for more. They were much less certain about the relationship between loyalty and a price increase on the product.

"We think this may actually increase soda consumption," said one soft drink bottling representative. "Drinking soda will be considered dangerous and hip. 'Did you see Steve? He was drinking soda today. We have to be like Steve. Let's go get several cases of soda.'"

Either way, Philadelphia will quickly find out how the Soda Tacks, if passed, affects consumption of one of the planet's most popular drinks.

ABC, ESPN still hoping Michael Phelps is added to U.S. Men's Soccer Team

New York, NY--ABC and ESPN, the two television networks broadcasting the World Cup in the United States, firmly believe that the highly decorated Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps can play defense or midfield for the U.S. men's soccer team. "Have you seen this guy swim?" asked one ABC executive to a group of reporters at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel. "We think he can take that swimming skill and add a ball and maybe take away some of the water and put some spikes on and some shin guard things and be a great soccer-ball-kicker-player guy." Phelps says he would play if added to the roster, but would like to wear his popular swimming goggles. Both networks would also prefer the swimmer wear his signature Speedo both on the field and on the bench during the month-long tournament being held in South Africa.

D-Day vet: 'Chunnel would have really come in handy.'

Dover, United Kingdom--Last week, the 66th anniversary of the largest amphibious invasion in history was remembered. Had a certain underwater tunnel existed at the time, ships and other watercraft could have been left in port.

On May 6, 1994 the Channel Tunnel, or Chunnel, opened under the English Channel, finally connecting Great Britain to the European continent. The opening was one month short of fifty years after the June 6, 1944 D-Day invasion of France by the Allied forces during World War II.

The concept for a tunnel beneath the English Channel has roots dating back to the time of Napolean Bonaparte, who, it is widely believed, was a staunch supporter of the idea.

"It's no secret that many lives would have been saved had the Chunnel been around in 1944," said WWII veteran Sargent Tom Peters of the 103rd Airborne Division. "The Chunnel would have made D-Day a pleasure. We literally could have walked to France."

Walking the nearly 32-mile tunnel would have taken a lot out of the Allied troops. It is more probable that the nearly 160,000 soldiers involved in the operation that day would have used trains and troop transport vehicles. Although, concerns over echoing machinery noise, possibly alerting the enemy, may have required the latter portion of the trip to be made on foot.

Some experts feel that the Germans would have been closely watching the Chunnel, had it existed, which would have made its use nearly impossible by the Allies. Others were not so sure. "The Germans would have had maybe one ore two soldiers watching the Channel Tunnel," said Dr Hal Fitzsimmons, an Oxford University military history professor. "Using the Chunnel would have been too obvious. The Germans would have amassed troops elsewhere."

There is little doubt, however, that the estimated 10,000 casualties over the course of the invasion would have been drastically reduced had the water landings been substituted by a Chunnel landing.

"Damn! It took us hours and hours to cross the choppy Channel that day 66 years ago," recalled Don Gilbert, 88, an American soldier who landed on Utah Beach in Normandy. "Traveling from London to Calais, France while on a trip last year took me 54 minutes on the Eurostar train and the only bombs that were dropping were coming from the guy eating the fish and chips in front of me."

Lack of Uno restaurants forces visiting Blackhawks fans to reluctantly gather in Center City T.G.I. Fridays

Philadelphia, PA--Blackhawks fans visiting Philadelphia and Chicag0land transplants living in the Place that Loves You Back, were extremely upset even before Claude Giroux tipped an overtime goal past Antti Niemi for the Flyers' first win of the series.

Upset because of bad referee calls? No. Upset because of unruly Flyers fans? No. Upset that they put some sort of bratwurst topping on a cheesesteak? Yes, probably, but that's not it. What then? No Uno. No what-o?

Many Chicago fans in town for the Stanley Cup Finals, most making the journey without tickets, admitted to just assuming there was an Uno Chicago Grill in downtown Philadelphia where they could link up with other 'Hawks fans headed east. There is one Uno franchise location within the city's limits, however, it is in the Northeast section of the city, some 15 miles from City Hall.

Three friends, all visiting from Aurora, IL, reluctantly gathered last night in the nearly empty, circa 1985 T.G.I. Friday's along the Benjamin Franklin Parkway for the crucial playoff game. Tom Higgins, 45, the trip organizer, wanted to be close to his beloved hockey team and follow the Western Conference champions on the road. Clad in red Blackhawk's jerseys, the three men stared straight ahead nursing half-empty beers, not really watching the game and not speaking to one another since learning that their favorite deep dish pizza chain is absent from the heart of Philadelphia.

"Yeah, we ordered the Tuscan Spinach Dip," answered Higgins in a sarcastic tone when asked if the untouched appetizer sitting in front of the University of Wisconsin graduates belonged to the group. "It's a freakin' sweet app. I'm kind of out of it right now, forgive me, but I think we have an order of Sesame Jack Chicken Strips coming as well. Yippee."

The dearth of the pizza chain restaurants in this city was absolutely shocking to some Windy City fans.

"Philly is a great city," said Debra Smith, 34, of Skokie, IL, standing with her husband Gary in front of Independence Hall. "We've seen all the historic sites these last two days and the food here is unbelievable. But, then we asked our hotel's concierge where the local Uno Chicago Grill is--you know, to connect with other Chicago fans--and he said there isn't one close by. I began to have a panic attack because the game was only 20 minutes from starting. In Chicago, there's an Uno restaurant within a 15 minute walk from any point in the city."

Midwestern Fans known for their passion and general good manners, but not so much for an in-your-face attitude, vented obvious frustration. "This is a bunch of rotten bratwursts," shouted Dan Henski at nobody in particular, a Blackhawk fan from Chicago's Wrigleyville neighborhood. "Every city in the world has an Uno Chicago Grill downtown, except for maybe Nashville. This ain't no real city. I'm so upset that I could just reverse the flow of the Chicago River when I get back home. I swear I'll do it."

One group of 'Hawks fans, staying at several different hotels and who crossed paths at the famous Mutter Museum earlier in the day, pitched in for a 9-mile cab ride to Deptford, NJ, the closest Uno location to Center City. Another group staying at the Old City Marriott opted to rent a van and make their way to Conshohocken, a 13-mile trip west on the Schuylkill Expressway.

"Going to the Garden State wasn't in the plans, but we love our 'Hawks. Plus, my doctor says I'm not really suppose to go more than 48 hours without having deep dish pizza. No, really, I'm serious. It's been eight years since I've gone more than two days without my deep dish," said Dan O'Reilly, 47, of Evanston, IL.

So, local Uno locations in Conshohocken, Deptford, Newtown Square, Maple Shade and the Northeast, prepare yourselves for an invasion of Chicago-accented hockey enthusiasts supporting their team while visiting the Suburbs of Brotherly Love deep dish.