The Jeremy Lin Movie: Skarsgård joins cast as 'inspiring Harvard professor'

The film is due in theaters in late April
New York--Swedish-born actor Stellan Skarsgård who has appeared in countless Hollywood films over his long career, has officially signed on to the cast of the Jeremy Lin movie due out in mid spring. Skarsgård will play Dr. Devlin Eklund, a Harvard English professor that, according to questionable sources, convinced Lin to join the basketball team after seeing the prolific student throw a piece of paper into a trash bin from the back of a classroom. "It will be a lot like my role in Good Will Hunting," explained Skarsgård, referring to the 1997 Matt Damon film. "Instead of M.I.T., I'm now at Harvard dealing with letters instead of numbers, and I see this kid, one of my students, make an amazing 'shot' into the waste paper basket. Right then and there I know this kid will go to the NBA someday." Skarsgård is joining Robin Williams, who signed last week to play Lin's mentor, and Ben Affleck, who will play Jeremy Lin. Lin has disassociated himself from the project saying, "That's not at all how the story went down." Legal issues may force multiple changes to the film: Jeramee Lynn, Haverford College (PA), New York Nicks, and, possibly, A.B.A. instead of N.B.A.

Disgruntled yogurt factory worker apologizes for creating retaliatory flavor during nasty labor dispute: Fruit from my Bottom

Company warns customers to 'really keep an eye out.'

Entire Deadliest Catch 'studio' audience missing after rough storm

Rescuers preparing to call search off.
Dutch Harbor, Alaska--Filming was well underway for the new season of the Discovery Channel's hit reality show Deadliest Catch when tragedy abruptly struck. For the upcoming season--the eighth--the network decided to add a live audience to "change things up." On Thursday, a nasty storm in the Bering Sea capsized the barge carrying the audience and no bodies have been found. "Though the show is not filmed in a studio we still referred to the audience as our studio audience," said executive producer of the show Gregory Callahan, wiping away tears. "I'm sick to my stomach about the whole thing. Having an audience out on open water was my idea ... I'm just sick about it." The show purchased a new barge and a local nautical company retrofitted it with bleachers to hold 350 audience members. The "Bleacher Barge" was towed by a large tug boat that followed one designated crabbing boat for a week. When asked where the audience was expected to sleep Callahan explained that not all the details had been worked out yet.

Couples running on same treadmill: adorable or dangerous?

New York--Doctors and fitness experts are at odds over the latest (peculiar?) fitness trend which is becoming increasingly more popular across the country: couples running together on the same treadmill. Is this practice adorable or dangerous? "I'd like to say it's adorably dangerous," said Dr. Benton Thomas of New York University. "It's great to see couples becoming active together, but treadmills can be dangerous even for one person. I recommend purchasing a second treadmill and place them side by side." It is believed that the trend started in the Big Apple within the last year and is now common from Boston to Seattle. "Sure, we've had some horrible accidents at our gym with couples on treadmills, but it gets people active again who would otherwise be on the couch eating cheese curls. Plus, our membership numbers are up," said Hank Belgrade, the owner of Dumb Belles Gym in Lower Manhattan.

Former New York Giant donates Toomer to Mutter Museum

Philadelphia--Amani Toomer, the former N.F.L. wide receiver who played for the New York Giants from 1996-2008, ignoring the heated rivalry between the northeast's two largest cities, made a very generous donation to Philadelphia's Mutter Museum last week.

"They'd been after me for years to donate and, being in a good mood after watching my Giants Super Bowl victory, I decided to donate," said Toomer. "I was reluctant at first, but I did it."

No, the donation was not in the form of a giant check or a stack of cash, as the California native has no real connection to the area, the famous museum or its staff. The museum, oddly enough (or maybe not so oddly enough), was after something altogether different.

The Mutter Museum is part of the College of Physicians and has become widely known, even beyond the medical field, for housing a vast collection of, as the New York Times describes it, "medical oddities that delight, frighten, elate and scare the senses simultaneously."

Actually, the donation has been in the crosshairs of the museum since the player came into the league in 1996.

Why? Well, one of the prize pieces of the Mutter Museum collection is the tumor of President Grover Cleveland (pictured below) and the staff has been desperately looking to add a signature piece as a headline, visitor-attracting neighbor: enter Amani's Toomer. The Michigan alum's Toomer (jersey) will be labeled and placed in a jar of formaldehyde, like Cleveland's tumor, to be preserved for generations to come.
"We really desired a contemporary athlete's medical oddity as a unique addition to the museum's extensive and exhaustive collection. We secured Brett Favre's ego last year--when he passes on--and now we have Amani's Toomer," said the museum's director of promotions Michael Bontini, smiling from ear to ear. "Even before I came onto the scene here four years ago the College had contacted Amani on a number of occasions about his Toomer."

"Wow, I think they contacted me as early as 1996 about handing over Toomer and I was like 'who is this and how did you get this number?' I had never even been to the museum. But they came up to meet with me, almost by force (he laughs), a couple times early on, I learned a lot about the College of Physicians, but I just didn't feel comfortable doing it at the time," said Amani. "They contacted me each year since and, finally, Gladys [Trembower, the director] and her persistence paid off. I was ready to hand over Toomer."

Part of the donation deal clearly outlines that the museum is sole owner of Toomer, and from this point on Amani Toomer will simply be known as Amani. "That's why this was such a difficult decision for me, I was just handing over my last name to a random, but flat out wacky museum in Philadelphia. But, I'm doing it because I love their mission and it kind of gets my name out there. Plus, did I mention that it is just a flat out wacky museum?"

The staff has made it clear that they are looking to attract more New Yorkers to visit the museum, and the addtion of Amani's Toomer combined with the Super Bowl victory may be the exact recipe needed.

Going against his advisors, Romney spending billions on campaign in Utah

For security reasons future Super Bowl sites will not be announced until one hour before kickoff

Super Bowl: Gisele's Gazelles: Brady's wife's new charity attempting to save the non-endangered animal

Indiana using Super Bowl as a platform to promote corn as an ingredient in everything

Pipeline company customer appreciation dinner has tough act to follow at Lucas Oil Stadium

"No, our customer appreciation dinner will not be the spectacle that the Super Bowl is, but we'll sure as hell try," said Robert Grapple, assistant CEO of EJP & Sensus, a pipeline specialists company who reserved Lucas Oil Stadium, this year's site of the Super Bowl in Indianapolis, for a company event nearly two weeks after the big game. "Did I mention we sell all kinds of piping. Go ahead, name any kind of pipe or pipeline or piping. I guarantee we sell it and I'll double guarantee that we'll install it. Pipe originated in Mesopotamia in ... well, it was certainly very early on. Pipe carries water and all sorts of other kinds of liquids. Pipe comes from the Latin word pipetus, which, roughly translated, means pipe."

Local family 'lives' for Pro Bowl

Downingtown, PA--Shane Tolliver was just a kid in 1982 when he attended his first Pro Bowl in the 50th state admitted to the Union. In fact, the then ten-year-old can only remember the hard tackling and the giant, tubular waves crashing the pristine Hawaiian beaches. He's been to every Pro Bowl since and has no plans of missing the game in the future.

The Pro Bowl is the N.F.L.'s All-Star game, played in Hawaii since 1980 (except 2010) it showcases the best in the N.F.C. vs. the best in the A.F.C. It will again be played in the Pineapple State this Sunday on one of your television's channels. (I dare you to try and find it.)

Tolliver is from the Philadelphia area but exercises no allegiance to the Eagles or any other N.F.L. team for that matter. He is adamantly and strictly a fan of "just the Pro Bowl."

"It's the best football there is, period," said Tolliver, wearing an autographed Randall Cunningham Pro Bowl jersey from the 1989 game that featured the high-flying quarterback at his best. "I don't watch any regular season or playoff games, they're lame. This is it. The Pro Bowl is what it's all about. To be honest, I don't even really like any other sporting events."

The entire Tolliver family--brothers, sister, kids, grandkids, parents, etc.--are exclusively focused on the Pro Bowl.

"You know how people get geared up for the stupid Super Bowl?" said Tolliver. "Well, that's how I, and my entire family, get for the Pro Bowl. It's the ... all-star ... of, well, you know ... football games."

Tolliver's father started the tradition of all-star games when his father brought him to the 1942 N.F.L. All-Star game in Philadelphia, before it was called the Pro Bowl.

"The storylines are just so compelling," added Tolliver's brother Jim, who is in charge of organizing bets at the Family Pro Bowl party. "You have guys that battled each other all year and now, all the sudden, they're best buds and teammates. It's fantastic theater. This could be on Broadway or, at the very least, Broad Street."

The conference that wins the Pro Bowl gets bragging rights for a year and all the perks that come along with the victory. For example, the Pro Bowl championship trophy (a silver coconut), much like the Stanley Cup, is taken by each player to their home town for two days. The player can do what he pleases, within "reasonable means," and show off the award to family and friends.

"Maybe the best part about the whole Pro Bowl is that the players get to wear their own helmets. I mean, the helmets from their own team. That's just so cool," said 8-year-old Justin Tolliver, Shane's oldest son. "It's neat."

The family also noted that they love the advertisements during the game and often quiet each other in order to hear the 30-seconds spots that company's pay over $5 million for.

Ship passengers offered collector's edition Love Boat action figures as compensation

Miami, FL--The Carnival Corporation announced today that all passengers aboard the Costa Concordia that ran aground off the coast of Italy on January 13 would be generously compensated in the form of "rare" action figures from the popular late 1970's and early 80's television show The Love Boat.

"The figures are valued at over $200 a piece, so ..." said Howard Newman, Carnival's vice president of customer satisfaction and relations. "There weren't very many [figures] made, but we found about 3,500 of them to distribute among our loyal, really cool passengers. I mean, we have the coolest passengers ... ever."

These passengers, after signing a document forfeiting any future right to pursue legal action against the cruise line, will enjoy the full figurine set that includes: Captain Stubing, Vicki, Isaac, Gopher, Julie and Doc.

"I feel like it's pretty fair compensation," said Brad Geiss, 39, from Silver Springs, MD, the neurologist was traveling on the ship with his new wife, Gloria. "I heard rumors of cash, but honestly I'm a big collector and this kind of stuff gets me very excited. Isn't that right, honey?"

"I bought Gopher and Doc back in 1985--they came in the same pack for a limited time--so I'm good with those two. I just need the other four to complete my set. This is awesome! Carnival really came through," said Jessica Smith, 42, of Dalesville, MA. "Carnival ruined my honeymoon but totally made up for it with these action figures. I'm signing that document."

The Costa Concordia had travelers from nearly 60 different countries when it capsized near Tuscany. How will callous promises of plastic toy models from a long ago American television show be eagerly accepted as compensation from such an international, traumatized audience?

"Well, to be quite honest, we think Captain Stubing had a very ... international appeal," added Newman. "Plus, look, the hats on each figurine are removable. I didn't know that until just right now. That's kind of cool."

Obama taking economy frustrations out on the basketball court

Washington, D.C.--Seeking a much-needed distraction from the chaotic life that is commander-in-chief, President Obama engaged in a "friendly" game of pick-up basketball this afternoon prior to giving the State of the Union Address before Congress and the nation in the Capitol later in the evening. During the game the President committed, and was called for, a hard foul when driving the lane for a layup late in the contest. "He fouled me," shouted an embarrassed Obama, at the informal press conference that followed the basketball workout, to a reporter that had asked about the upcoming speech and not the scrimmage. "I play to win and everyone out there on that court plays to win. It really is not a big deal." Another reporter asked about current oil prices and Obama shot back: "It was a blocking foul, plain and simple. His wheels were clearly moving, they were never set. It was a bogus call."

Italian captain, Italian passengers noticed nothing unusual about ship

CBS announcers instructed not to say Broncos' head coach's last name

Foxboro, MA--CBS instructed Jim Nantz and Phil Simms, the first-team announcers for the station's N.F.L. broadcasts, not to say the last name of the Denver Broncos' head coach, John Fox, over the entire course of the telecast on Saturday's divisional playoff matchup between the Patriots and Broncos. CBS executives felt saying the last name would give free publicity to a rival network--FOX. "I was only permitted to say John during the game," said a frustrated Nantz. "It really threw me off, I was uncomfortable. If [the cameramen] showed John Fox on the sideline I could only say, 'And there is the head coach of the Broncos, John.'"

Singletary sneaks onto 49ers' sideline, brings own headset, monogrammed challenge flag

San Francisco, CA--Mike Singletary, who was fired from the head coaching job of the 49ers after last season, is back on the sideline for the City by the Bay. However, not in any official capacity.

Singletary spent three years here and compiled an 18-22 record, failing to make the playoffs in any season and is now the linebackers coach in Minnesota. The 49ers are playing in the second round of the NFL playoffs today under first-year coach Jim Harbaugh for the first time since 2002.

"[Singletary] was wearing a large 49ers parka with the hood pulled over his head and he slipped in past stadium security," said one team official. "We just kind of let him be. Mike made it all the way to the sidelines and he even brought a headset with him. We're just letting him do his thing so not to cause a big scene, he's a good guy."

The coach also brought his own challenge flag, but it was quickly and quietly taken from him by quarterback Alex Smith while wide receiver Michael Crabtree distracted the former Bears legend. "I asked him about his linebacking days with the Bears and he just went off on a story and Alex crept up behind and grabbed the flag," said Crabtree. "We couldn't have him throwing that thing onto the field."

The team confirmed that the headset is not connected with the 49er coaches' network, but that Singletary picks up communication between truckers passing Candlestick Park on Highway 101 and US 280. "He's pretending to talk to coaches upstairs, but he only gets yelled at by tractor trailer drivers to 'pick another frequency, a&&hole,'" the official added.

Awesome Roy? New Eagles cornerback thoroughly confused hockey fan entire season

Central New Jersey--Fred Swindon admits he's a huge hockey fan. And when it comes to hockey he acknowledges it's not right to like two teams, but he grew up, and currently lives, near the ambiguous dividing line that separates the New York and Philadelphia metropolitan areas in central New Jersey. He says this only to reinforce his love for hockey.

"I am more a Flyers fan, but I cheer for the Devil's pretty hard, too," said Swindon. "But overall I'm just a huge hockey fan. I mean, huge."

The work-from-home computer programmer subscribes to the hockey package on cable, receives over twenty publications dedicated solely to the frozen game and takes photos of NHL arenas around the country during the puck-less summer months. Additionally, he writes a blog for the AHL (ZamboniandTinasWedding.net/ahl/-~&~?//) and follows more than five thousand hockey related accounts on Twitter.

The six pool sticks in his basement billiards room were made from old hockey sticks. One carefully preserved and lacquered cue still has a hockey blade at the thicker end, he claims it was Steve Yzerman's, the longtime former captain of the Detroit Red Wings. The balls on the felt table he says are made from the teeth of hockey players around the world that he purchased on EBay.

So, when it comes to watching football the Jersey-based hockey fan is not up to speed with all the offseason transactions and happenings of the game. He says he turns the game on Sundays to have something in the background.

Missing the first few Eagles games of the season, the "extremely casual NFL fan" tuned in for an early October matchup between the Eagles and the Redskins. A pass by the Washington quarterback Rex Grossman was broken up nicely by an Eagles cornerback in the first quarter.

"Asomugha with the stop!" shouted the announcer on television.

"When I first heard it I just thought it was a mistake. Then, the announcers said it a few more times during the remainder of the game. I was dumbfounded, literally. I couldn't believe they were paying tribute to the great Patrick Roy during a football game. 'Awesome Roy' this and 'awesome Roy' that. It was great," said a smiling Swindon. "He was a great player and deserves the recognition even during a football game."

Swindon was completely unaware that the Eagles had made a major signing in the lockout-shortened offseaon when they added coveted Raiders' free agent cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha. Asomugha is pronounced ah-sem-wah. Said with some quickness and rhythm and it can sound a lot like awesome-wah (or, if you'r a crazy hockey fan). Incidentally, the French pronunciation of Roy is wah.

The die-hard hockey fan that he is automatically set his mind to hear awesome Roy. Patrick Roy is a Hall of Fame goalie that played for the Montreal Canadians from 1985-95 and for the Colorado Avalanche from 1995-2003. He won four Stanley Cups, two with each team, and captured the Venzina Trophy as the league's best netminder three times.

"It didn't make any sense, but when one is so focused on hockey ... it made perfect sense. I am blinded by hockey sometimes, or deafened, in this case."

Swindon didn't realize his mistake until the end of the season when he made a post on his blog thanking the Eagles and the network announcing team for honoring Patrick Roy throughout the season. Immediately the comments came pouring in and there was lots of embarrassment.

"Lot's of egg. A big 'ol chunk of scrambled egg. What can I say, I'm not that into football."

Tebow offended by Gatorade celebrations, says they 'make a mockery of the sacred institute of baptism'

Santorum attack ad in New Hampshire blaming Romney for collapse of Old Man of the Mountain proves too little, too late

Concord, N.H.--The smear factor on the road to the GOP presidential nomination just reached a new level in the Granite State. An attack ad by the Santorum camp on Mit Romney is being described as "beyond low" by political analysts across the country.

In the ad, a voice, which appears to be Santorum's, vaguely accuses Romney of destroying the Old Man of the Mountain, the iconic rock formation (shown on the state quarter series) that when viewed from the side appeared to be a withered, leathery man's face. The formation was located in the famous, rugged White Mountains.

Sadly, the Old Man of the Mountain came tumbling down the cliff face on an early May day in 2003 at the hand of Mother Nature, an emotionally difficult day for the residents of the New England state.

Santorum did his homework.

The advertisement, showing Photoshopped pictures of a hiking Romney, declared: "Can we trust a man who may or may not have had a hand in taking down one of New Hampshire's most treasured natural wonders? That's right, the crumbling of the Old Man of the Mountain may not have been by force of nature. Romney says he never hiked near the White Mountains, but I say show us proof. I say where were you on May 3, 2003? I say ... do you like to hike Mr. Romney? Mr. Romney, do you like to hike? [A different, more cheerful voice] This ad was approved by Rick Santorum."

Despite the ads, Romney prevailed in the New Hampshire primary and the candidates now prepare for South Carolina. "We're currently shooting an ad that focuses on Romney and the Gamecock, but I can't get into details," said one GOP contender.

Burger King debuts BK Kids Meal War Horse backpack

Miami, FL--For the first time ever a fast food chain restaurant has partnered with a PG-13-rated Hollywood film for the purposes of marketing and selling merchandise with kids meals. The popular Steven Spielberg-directed War Horse has joined with Burger King to launch a series of children's products including an oversized school horse backpack (pictured above). "We realize this is a gamble because the movie is rated PG-13 and this seemingly reduces a large chunk of our kids meal intended audience," said Beverly Morton, Burger King's director of North American sales. "That being said, huge numbers of under 13's are seeing the film--including my 8-year-old--and requesting the backpack at our restaurants. In addition, adults are purchasing kids meals solely for the purpose of receiving a War Horse backpack." Burger King claims in TV ads that each backpack contains one strand of hair from the real horse of the movie.

Reid blaming disappointing season on league's rejection of 32-week, 16-game season plan

South Philadelphia--Andy Reid will be back for the 2012 campaign, really. It may not surprise most, but there was speculation that his tenure in Philadelphia was coming to an end after his 13th season as head coach of the Eagles. Struggling to an 8-8 record (4-8 before a strong finish), the deeply talented team that was suppose to make a run to the Super Bowl--at the minimum a playoff appearance--is dusting off golf spikes or skis or something.

Clock management continues to be a weak point for Reid, frequently using timeouts simply to retrieve the challenge flag or re-laminate his play chart. Senseless penalties and the abject refusal to run the football with any consistency has doomed many games even before the coin toss.

There is, however, one statistic that cannot be overlooked by critics: 13-0. Reid's record in games following the bye week. Thirteen years and 13 wins in 13 attempts after the coach has a week off, an extra seven days to study the often less-prepared opponent.

"Reid is dominant in games where he has two weeks to get ready," said Adam Zilinger, popular sports columnist for the Chester County Times Daily. "Andy knows this and is the reason he approached the league with a plan in the offseason."

Reid traveled to New York on Amtrak's Keystone service on the cold morning of February 28, 2011, nearly two weeks before the lockout began. The coach carried a massive three-ring binder at his side, actually the brick of papers had its own seat in business class. Reid made the journey as the only representative of the Eagles, in fact, no one from the franchise was aware the California native was meeting with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in the league's Manhattan offices.

Inside the binder (which freakishly resembled a trapper keeper) was a plan. A three-holed, desperate plea, perhaps, by a coach who understood perfectly the value of a bye week. Handwritten on each page was a detailed outline for the league to adopt a 32-week, 16-game season. Currently, the NFL season spans 17 weeks with 16 games. The math is simple: each team gets one week off during the season.

"Reid's radical plan was to have the season open in September and end in April, with playoffs in May, every other week being a bye week. He did all the research before stepping from the platform at 30th Street Station, over the gap and into the Amtrak car," said Mike Rulligan, the CSPM reporter that broke the story. "He was ready."

The coach had laminated, like his play charts, each and every page of the plan for effect. He hired Cooper-Sinclair, the large sports scheduling consulting group, to crunch numbers for extending the season by four months. According to the plan, the league could double revenue and attract a wider audience.

According to sources, Goodell seriously considered the plan and kept the "trapper keeper thing" to look over for several weeks. "Goodell had his team of advisers break down the plan. They returned good numbers, but they weren't good enough. The regular season would have to end by mid-February for it to work," said Rulligan. "So, much to the frustration of Reid, the single bye week format remained in place."

"We need more bye weeks in this league," Reid said at today's news conference at the NovaCare Complex, the final one of the season. "It's as simple as that. Bye weeks can help me put my players in a better position to win a game."

Year in Review: Stamos, Galifianakis attempt to solve Greece's financial woes during drunken party conversation

Hollywood, CA--Comedian Zach Galifianakis and actor John Stamos talked for more than three hours at a party of a mutual friend in the Hollywood hills earlier this year about the economic crisis in Greece. The two were visibly intoxicated but fairly confident they solved the major financial issues plaguing the European country. "They talked for hours and were wildly animated at some points, but shook hands afterwards and really looked like they had gotten to the bottom of the problem for Greece. They even looked like they had come up with a solid plan for the country moving forward," said one anonymous partygoer.

Year in Review: bin Laden had stockpile of American snacks under compound

Washington, DC--The Navy SEALs that took down Osama bin Laden earlier this year claimed that the 54-year-old leader of al Qaeda was not armed when they swarmed the terrorist's compound with high tech military gadgets. This is true to a certain extent. Bin Laden may not have been armed with assault rifles, grenades or hand guns, but he was packing a different kind of killer ... a silent killer.

For a man that displayed a clear disdain for anything that represented the West, he had one unshakable habit that was clearly very American--almost too American.

"Bin Laden was addicted to American snack foods," said CIA agent Francis Cooke, a 30-year veteran of the agency. "We didn't learn this until [the day after the raid]. That's a serious breakdown in intelligence on our part. How did we not know that this guy was washing down Three Musketeer bars with Dr Pepper?"

Until May, it was common knowledge that the only western tradition that bin Laden cared for was soccer and the the World Cup. He was a huge European football fan and, based on photographs recovered from the compound (and a vuvuzela in the corner of his bedroom), attended several games in South Africa last summer. But his other passion--only known by a handful of his most trusted messengers--was Cool Ranch Doritos and all its salty, addicting relatives.

"Oh, once he popped he couldn't be stopped," said the manager of the only 7-eleven in Abbottabad, Pakistan, the town outside of Islamabad where bin Laden was discovered. "He only came in once, but he bought most of my inventory--every last can of Pringles, Cheetos, Bugles, Ritz Bits, everything. I'm assuming he had couriers come in during the other times. He was much taller than I thought he would be."

Below the compound was a tunnel leading to a safe house/underground bomb shelter with snack supplies to last roughly ten years. Bag after bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos, Pringles, Twinkies, Butterscotch Krimpets, Ruffles (ridged and plain), Devil Dogs, Cracklin' Oat Bran, cheddar popcorn and barbecue corn chips, to name a few.

"I think if we had known this disgusting little habit that he had going on we would have been onto him a long time ago," said Becky Sawchuk, a high-level CIA official. "When we found him he had orange fingers, but there was no bag in sight. Tests confirmed that he was chowing down on cheese curls just before our boys arrived."

The CIA confirmed that had bin Laden kept up these deplorable eating habits, the snacks themselves would have taken the terrorist out of commission within five years. "That is, had the SEALS not found him first" said Sawchuk.

NHL Winter Classic: Players, coaches to sit in dugout during game; line changes to be very complicated

Philadelphia--Despite the baseball dugouts being more than 30 yards from the rink at Citizens Bank Park, the Rangers' and Flyers' players and coaches have all agreed to sit in the below-field level benches during the NHL Winter Classic on Monday. "The dugouts are far from the action but we wanted to honor the game of baseball during this great outdoor game," said Henrik Lundqvist, the Rangers' Swedish-born goaltender, who became overly embarrassed when he was informed that there was no such thing as a 'walk-off first down' in baseball (or any sport for that matter). Coaches will have to overextend their voice boxes (larynges) in order to communicate effectively with the athletes on the ice. Meanwhile, players making line changes will need to run or briskly walk more than 30 yards to the rink gate from the dugout on a rubber mat for each substitution. "It'll be exhausting, but I've aways wanted to visit the Phillies dugout," said James van Riemsdyk, Flyers' left winger from Middleton, NJ. "They should make a little ice path from the dugouts to the rink ... but I know they won't." The NHL may permit the two clubs to each use a golf cart to shuttle players back and forth from the dugout to the ice.

Year in Reveiw: Photo album confiscated at bin Laden compound reveals a very busy ten years

Above: Bin Laden, posing as an ice cream vendor, visited West Point, NY in 2004 where he made plans to build a concealed compound--identical to his Afghanistan compound--on the grounds of the United States Military Academy. His plan fell through, but bin Laden "thoroughly enjoyed [his] four days in this lovely little town that overlooks the Hudson River."

Above: Bin Laden attended the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. He wrote: "I attracted a lot of attention in the stadiums in Johannesburg and other cities. Lots of fans asked to pose with me saying that I looked like bin Laden. Lots of good football. Some hotty Dutch fans distracted me from cheering for North Korea."

Above: Winter in Niagara Falls, January 23, 2006. Bin Laden wrote on the back of the photo: "I had no idea that the Maid of the Mist didn't operate in the winter. What a disappointment. I was sad in the photo. But, the ice that forms from the mist on the railings made me the opposite of sad."

Risky Phanatic appearance at Kim Jong-il viewing a huge hit

Above: The Phillie Phanatic makes a surprise appearance at the funeral of Kim Jong-il in Pyongyang, North Korea on Monday. The lovable green mascot greeted Kim Jong-un, the successor and son of Kim Jong-il, with his signature smooch and shirt over-the-head move. The new leader, and countless army generals watching, could only laugh at the Phanatic's antics. North Korea has been mourning the loss of their longtime ruler and so an anonymous member of Jong-il's staff felt the "fury green guy" could turn frowns upside down. Even the new leader was touched. "I was feeling really sad because my daddy had just passed away, and all the sudden this green guy, the great Phanatic, comes out of nowhere and gives me a big hug and kiss. A hug and kiss I so desperately needed," said Jong-un through and interpreter. "He didn't have to pull his shirt over my head because it messed up my hair. But, his heart was in the right place and it's one of his more popular moves."

Notes: The Phanatic's hot dog gun launcher was confiscated at the airport in Pyongyang and U.S. officials are mildly concerned that the technology could be copied and used for military purposes.

Year in Review: City tells Occupy 'there's a really cool park just down the street, honestly. Grab your gear and follow us, c'mon. It'll be great'

... where is that other park? It can't be much further. Oh, I remember, just a few more blocks. I am really turned around here. Let me just double check this map. This is really embarrassing. Do we have everybody? You know what, it might be back the other way. Oh, here it is ... cuff 'em boys.

Academy announces they will recognize North Korean people at upcoming Oscar ceremony

Los Angeles--Hollywood took notice of the acting taking place in Pyongyang yesterday and today after news of the death of Kim Jong-il, the country's longtime ruler, spread across North Korea. The Oscars would like to honor the citizens of the communist ruled country at their annual ceremony in February. "Obviously, we can't have any of [the North Korean residents] actually attend the awards, but we'll come up with a great little compilation of their classic 'mourning' scenes for our worldwide audience. Their acting needs to be recognized," said Gifford Benjamin, president of the Academy of Motion Pictures. "Like, the uncontrolled sobbing, how did they do that at such a high level? Crazy!"

Nation's cheese supply likely to be interrupted this week

Kansas City, MO--The Packers lost their first game of the season today to the struggling Chiefs in cold Arrowhead Stadium. The dream of an undefeated season for the Pack--a forgone conclusion to almost every cheesehead throughout Wisconsin and the upper Midwest--is done. Why should a person eating a cheeseburger in, say, Flagstaff, AZ care about what transpired in Missouri today? Wisconsin produces over 70 percent of the nation's cheese; a place where dairy cows outnumber people 32 to one and 2.98 workers out of three are connected to the industry in some fashion. With today's heart-wrenching Packer loss there could be an interruption in production. "There's no way I'm making cheese this week," said Robert Tennen a die-hard Green Bay fan and Appleton, WI resident eating a small piece of cheese. "I can't even think about cheese today." Other fans/cheese workers echoed Tennen's feelings. "'Cheese!? You want me to wake up at 5 a.m. tomorrow, drive 25 minutes to the factory and make cheese? You got some nerve,'" said Gail Trudeau of WiscoCheese, jokingly rehearsing what she would say to her supervisor. "But seriously, I'm not making cheese tomorrow."

Year in Review: Red Cross becomes cross after 'favorite leather chair' picture posted to Tsunami missing persons board