California's latest landslide wins November 2011 Best Landslide by a landslide

Los Angeles--The votes are in: Landslide Magazine's November award winner for Best Landslide is California's latest landslide, which occurred in San Pedro last weekend. "Usually the voting is close," said the magazine's senior editor Jeff Galbright. "It's been a while since I was able to truly say that the contest winner won by a landslide. But, the second-place finisher received 43 fewer votes. That's a landslide for us!" Galbright reiterated that the contest included landslides that occurred in the continental United States from October 25 through November 25. "Including Alaskan and Hawaiian landslides would be unfair."

Reid not deterred by latest loss: Coach will continue to harass local Applebee's manager with 'great' Scrapplebee's idea

New 1-900 number allows concerned fans to get latest info on NBA lockout

Dessert-minded Occupy faction breaks away to form Occu-pie

Philadelphia--Wayne O'Brien took two big whiffs of the freshly-baked apple pie resting in his chafed, raw hands. Then, slowly looking skyward, and with a sharp yell, declared, "Occu-pie has now officially begun." The twelve or so people circled around O'Brien began clapping and hooting loudly in support of the announcement. The Ambler, PA native and Philadelphia Culinary School graduate is the leader of a splinter group formed out of the Occupy Philadelphia movement. "We cannot agree with our brothers and sisters concerning the importance of desserts, especially pie, to our nation. It was a difficult choice, but one that had to be made. We are the one percent of the two percent of the 99 percent who realize that pie is what makes the world go 'round. Somehow, pie can create jobs. It has to, it's so good and delicious. We're a small group but a damn strong small group. Stop cutting pie making funding ... if there is such a thing." The city has granted Occu-pie, who plans to leave Dilworth Plaza by Tuesday, a permit to set up inside of the La Columbe cafe across the street.

Scrap yard owner on why he never questioned patron who regularly brought in manhole covers, street signs for cash: 'He said they were his'

Reid putting positive spin on Vick's latest injury: 'It reminded me of the sandwich in my bottom right desk drawer'

The mobile quarterback broke two ribs versus Cardinals

Eagles head coach Andy Reid told a room full of reporters at Monday's weekly day-after-game news conference that his quarterback's broken rib injury is not all bad. "Yesterday, soon after the game ended, a trainer came into my office and told me that Michael [Vick] had sustained two broken ribs during the second half," explained Reid, in his signature raspy voice, a trace of dried red sauce on either corner of his mouth. "I started to get up from my chair to go check on Michael when I just stopped and smiled. I told the trainer that I would be along in a minute and to go along without me. I said to myself, 'ribs? Think, Andy! Compose yourself.' Then it just all the sudden clicked. 'Andy, you beautiful, glorious genius; there's a McRIB sandwich in my desk. The bottom right drawer if my memory serves me correctly.' And there it was, as was there one in the top left drawer as well. From two broken ribs came two intact McRIBs."

McNamara on surfing 90-foot wave: 'Testicles still up inside body somewhere'

U.S. Coast Guard officially changes old nautical saying: 'Red sky at night, sailor's just might'

The popular sailor's adage, "Red sky at night, sailor's delight," has officially been changed by the United States Coast Guard to, "Red sky at night, sailor's just might." There was no explanation given for the modification other than, "it was time for a change." The monthly publication Coast Guard Digest announced the news with a 4-page article in the November issue. One unnamed sailor offered this take: "It's definitely more 2011. Without a doubt it makes me more pumped to see a red sky. Before I was just delighted, now I just might fully commit to my fellow crew members to sail the next day." The second half of the saying, "Red sky in morning, sailor's warning," is now, "Red sky in morning, sailor's must get a hold of the latest weather report before leaving the docks."

Rooney's death eliminates long wait for the thousands on nation's eyebrow transplant list

Netflix CEO cancels subscription to Netflix

Los Gatos, CA--Reed Hastings, CEO of movie streaming and dvd-through-mail provider Netflix, after endless wavering, has finally decided to cancel his longtime subscription to Netflix after the company altered popular plans and raised prices. The company has lost over 800,000 subscribers since the policy change in September. "Back when I received word that prices were rising and plans were changing I put my account on hold to really put some thought into whether I wanted to remain a subscriber or not," Hastings told the San Jose Times Sentinel. "I am extremely bitter over the rise in price and have decided to end my consumer affiliation with Netflix." The CEO expressed regret that he was losing yet another customer, but said he may try to lure himself back by lowering prices in the near future. "If I decide to offer the old plan options I may return as a customer. Probably not though, I'm really upset with myself for raising prices."

Popular haunted house making 'serious money' from diaper vending machine positioned at entrance

Terror Behind the Walls literally cashing in from scaring the crap out of people

Netflix CEO on losing 800,000 subscribers since price hike: 'It's probably more like 900,000'

Game 6 postponed: Rain forces MLB to schedule first-ever World Series day-night doubleheader

Report: FOX begged Nowitzki to throw first 4 innings for Rangers

Network offered basketball star appearance on Bones

Above: Dallas Mavericks star Dirk Nowitzki throws the ceremonial first pitch before game three of the 2011 World Series in Arlington, TX to a sustained standing ovation. Before the 7-foot NBA all-star came off the field, FOX Sports Network officials quickly approached Nowitzki. There have been reports that the conversation centered around a large cash offer if the power forward returned to the mound and pitched at least four innings for the Rangers. "It wouldn't surprise me," said one anonymous reporter about the alleged deal to have Nowitzki pitch. "FOX is desperate to boost the ratings for this year's Series. Some witnesses said one FOX exec was on his knees begging Dirk to play. They apparently offered a guest appearance on Bones." The deal breaker was Nowitzi's demand for a minor role in the series House.

Libyan rebels confirm they have finally gained control over Gaddafi's Facebook page

Angry mob having "loads of fun" updating the deceased dictator's profile

Braves feeling less pressure to change name now that Thrashers are gone

Atlanta, GA--The NHL season is finally underway and there is no team more thankful than the Atlanta Braves. Huh? Say what? Before the Thrashers decided to flee to Canada this past summer, three of the four professional sports franchises in the Peach State's largest city shared something in common. No, not their futility. The Thrashers, sadly, share that in common with themselves.

Birds.

What about birds? Well, three of the four teams here were bird mascots: Falcons, Hawks and Thrashers. And, the community frequently and loudly voiced their desire to complete the grand slam of bird teams in one city. The hockey team is now north of the border in sunny Winnipeg, which takes a lot of pressure off the Braves to become a feather-coated mascot.

For years, MLB's Braves and Indians, the NFL's Redskins and countless collegiate mascots have been put under, in some instances, enormous pressure to change the names of their teams out of respect for Native Americans. The Braves front office recently admitted that "they never much cared" about Native American concerns, but often lost sleep over the mounting pressure to become, perhaps, the Atlanta Emus, Atlanta Robins or, even worse, the Atlanta Swallows.

"The franchise has been the Braves since 1912 and that's a long time if you really stop and think about it and subtract 1912 from 2011," said Dennis Bilash, a former infielder and current Braves ticket salesman. "Now that the Thrashers are gone, we don't have to change our name. I think we were about to become the Atlanta Barn Swallows had the Thrashers stuck around. I don't know ... maybe it would have been cool to have four bird teams."

Rival Mummer clubs unite after prostitution scandal, promise to quintuple alcohol intake on New Year's Day as a gift to parade revelers

Philadelphia--Rival Mummers clubs have come together after the recent prostitution scandal by well-known club the Downtowners to assure their fans that the "reckless and irresponsible debauchery" on 2 Street was an isolated incident. Many Mummers quietly admitted that they hope the scandal increases attendance at the annual New Year's Day parade up Broad Street, but, in an effort to guarantee bigger crowds, promise to increase their beer intake fivefold as a gift to the public. The clubs, as a sign of solidarity, also promise not to substitute 'hookers' for 'slippers' in the popular Mummer song 'Oh, Dem Golden Slippers.'

Phillies say disappointing playoff run 'has totally dampened' trip to Fiji

Fiji--The team, visiting this paradise island in the Pacific for three weeks, says the early playoff exit has made the tropical drinks here less fruity, the sun less bright, the snorkeling excursions less snorkely, the water skiiing less watery, the wet t-shirt contest judging less wet, the parasailing less dangerous, the late-night karaoke less funny and the horseback riding less clippity clop-ish. "Paradise just isn't quite paradise when you exit the playoffs in the wild-card round," said one Phillie. "But, I got a tee time in five so I gotta run."

Flyers' Jaromír Jágr has message for suffering Phillies and Eagles fans: Ukončete výstup a nástup, dveře se zavírají!

Cardinals seriously mulling Quint's offer to find, catch, kill stadium squirrel

St. Louis--He appeared out of nowhere, startling the Cardinals distraught front office members who had gathered late-night in an empty Busch Stadium conference room to rectify an embarrassing situation. A squirrel (yes, a squirrel) has been disrupting MLB playoff games in this city of 320,000, and the team desperately seeks to put an end to the furry critter's reign of the chalk-outlined diamond. The he is Quint, a famous shark hunter that feels he can transfer his aquatic tracking skill set to the grass and dirt of a baseball field. The team is seriously considering the shifty local's offer. "He wants $3,000 just to find him and $10,000 to catch him and kill him," said Cardinals general manager John Mozeliak. "I don't know, he's a strange guy. He's always hanging around the docks on the Mississippi River." Quint feels it's a fair price: "Good chum doesn't pay for itself, chief."

Old-timey photograph proves St. Louis Arch was designed, constructed by humans ... for some reason

Vick to wear mini Beebe helmet on injured right hand

Philadelphia--In an effort to protect his injured right hand, Eagles quarterback Michael Vick will wear a miniature Don Beebe helmet during this week's home game against the San Francisco 49ers. Vick nearly broke his hand in Sunday's game against the New York Giants at Lincoln Financial Field. The helmet was custom made by Don Beebe's Helmets for Tots, Inc. for Vick and will allow the Virgina native to grip a football (for snaps from center) through carefully positioned holes in the crown of the protective device. "It feels so good that I may wear a Don Beebe helmet on both of my hands," said a grinning Vick at a NovaCare news conference earlier today. "The grip-ability is awesome."

Will the single shell coxswain soon be joining the dinosaurs?

The shouts from the middle of the slow moving river glide over the water startling the Canada geese fertilizing the lush parkland that lines the iconic waterway. "Stroke. Push right. Left side, give a rest. What'ya say now right side?"

The coxswain is often described as the steering wheel of competitive rowing. Since the late 1800's this usually small, frail-looking outsider (often shunned by most of society) sits at the back of the narrow shell and valiantly attempts to get the individual rowers to work as a single unit.

"My job is to make many ... become one," said John Sedinski, a 4'11", 87-pound coxswain from Andover, MA, eating the second half of an Uncle Ben's rice cake he had saved from a lunch earlier in the week. "I steer, I guide, I yell ... I do everything but row."

The coxswain has climbed aboard every quad, double, single and eight scull race since 1871. Yes, that's correct, a coxswain also sits aboard a single-rower scull.

Sadly, and somewhat surprisingly, the United States Rowing Administration (USRA) has proposed eliminating the coxswain from single shells in an effort to save money, make the event faster, and, they emphatically claim, to "lighten the load of totally unneeded baggage."

"If their job is to make a team into one cohesive unit, then why are coxswains needed for single rowers? It seems unnecessary and ludicrous. I realize this is a difficult economy and we would be reducing the number of coxswain jobs significantly but this is the right move," said Diane Chalmers, a USRA official.

The news hit many rowing communities across the country very hard. Philadelphia relies on the rowing industry to provide thousands of jobs and the city is home to 70 percent of the sports coxswains.

"What am I supposed to do?" yelled Harry Clinton, 41, a professional coxswain based in Philadelphia. "All I know are single sculls. That's my life. My coxswain career probably has five good years remaining and that's too short of a time to learn double or eight rower sculls. What the hell am I supposed to do? What in God's name will I do with my life?"

"I'm a single rower and I would be lost without a coxswain," said Barbara Martinelli of South Philadelphia. "I can't seem to get in sync or steer the shell without one. Plus, we always have great conversations and they offer great advice ... about any aspect of life."

"It is a sad day but I will be joining the rally on Kelly Drive," said Burt Thomas, a longtime single rower on the Schuylkill River. "Hopefully we can influence the USRA's decision."

Thomas is referring to Saturday's Coxswain Rally near Boat House Row on Kelly Drive. If hundreds of rowing jobs are to be saved, this gathering may be the determining factor.

"I'm asking everyone to come out and support the cause. Together we can do this. Let's go! Also, there will be free t-shirts and hot dogs. We're working on free drinks as we speak."

Report: More than half of Brewers players dabble unsuccessfully in home brewing

St. Louis--Ryan Braun turned red with embarrassment when a local St Louis reporter asked the All-star outfielder if he brewed his own beer. The Mission Hills, CA native was unmistakeably caught off guard, hesitated a bit before finally confirming that, yes, he did brew beer in his suburban Milwaukee home. "I do brew but it's really a shoddy set up that I got going on. I play for the Brewers and I am completely ashamed of my brewing apparatus (pictured above). I use an old Igloo cooler for the fermentation process. Hey, the important part is that I have a blast doing it," said Braun. A recent report by Saint Louis University (another big brewing city) showed that nearly 56% of Brewers players are involved in home brewing in some capacity. "It's fascinating," said Dr Carol Von Hahn, head of the sociology department at this university in the Gateway to the West. "Brewers players are, in real life, brewers. They make beer. Albert Pujols can't be a Cardinal in real life and fly all around the country, but the Brewers are actually brewers. I was floored. I mean, I got teary-eyed. Foget the fact that most were horrible at it." The study was made possible by a generous grant from Professional Athletes That Home Brew (PATHB).

Small Pennsylvania town convinced that lone British resident is voice behind Geico's Gecko

Lumberton City, PA--Residents of this sleepy, tucked-away town in, ironically, Pennsylvania coal country have been buzzing over a new arrival for the past several months. Lloyd Howerton, 47, and his family of four relocated to this Allegheny Mountain village from Cherry Hill, NJ for the civil engineer's rapidly advancing career.

The community has warmly welcomed the family with visits, handcrafted pies and social invitations; however, there are quite a few suspicious souls that make their home here.

The majority of the town (yes, a poll was administered by the mayor) is unconvinced that Howerton is a civil engineer. In fact, they strongly believe that the Crowton, England native is the voice behind the gecko of the Geico Insurance television ads.

"The other day I intentionally bumped into him on the street while I was holding a toasted muffin with butter and jam. I tried to get him to say what it was I was holding so I could compare the accent to the tv commercial," said Don Wilson, 71, a retired coal miner. "When I asked, 'Look at what I'm holding, what do they call this in your country?" he just laughed off the question. It was an uncomfortable kind of laugh. Something's not right."

"He claims he's an engineer or something," said Debra Chambers, 59, of Hoit Street. "I mean, I feel like the accent is a perfect match. I know he's the voice, but I don't want to just come right out and accuse him of it. Ya know?"

"Oh, he's the voice," said Donna Billingsly of Cameron Street. "He's the voice. He's no civil whatchamacallit. He's the gecko guy. I can't say it any more plainer."

Concussed Utley recovering slowly, remembers being hit by pitch but has 'no recollection of hitting .262 this season'

Chase Utley sat quietly behind a tabletop podium responding to queries from a small gathering of local press members seeking information on his playing status after suffering a concussion last week. ".262? Who's hitting .262 this season?" barked a usually soft-spoken Utley at a confused reporter who had asked the second baseman for thoughts on his struggles at the plate this season. "Yeah, I'm hitting .262, that's a good one. We got a prankster in the press room everybody." After being hit on the helmet by a pitch on Wednesday night against the Braves, the dazed player trotted down to third base--instead of first base--then asked third base coach Juan Samuel why he was coaching first base. "He was totally out of it," said Samuel, trying to hold back a smile. "I mean, my man's cranium was whacked. He even took a lead off of third toward second. We had a saying in the Dominican Repulic after a player suffered a concussion: your cerebellum ain't quite right."

Brewers would love to forget inaugural season when they were known as the Fermentationers

Milwaukee, WI--Jake O'Neil, the original owner of the Brewers, can (sort of) laugh about it today when asked to reflect on the club's name during its inaugural season in 1970. "Brewers seemed too obvious and generic to me at the time," said O'Neil, 102, in between breaths assisted from a nearby oxygen tank. "I was looking to pay respect to Milwaukee's dependency on the beer industry when choosing a name. I guess I got a little too clever when I picked the Fermentationers. I smile now, but it's still a little embarrassing." That's correct, the Brewers were not always the Brewers. After the franchise failed miserably in Seattle for one season, the club moved to Wisconsin's largest city and became the Fermentationers. The public outcry was so enormous and filled with such vitriol that halfway through the year O'Neil vowed to change the name before the start of the 1971 season. "We settled on Brewers," he said. "I guess that's better than Hoppers, my second choice in 1970."

Philippine villagers pretty much feel they captured what was eating their elephants and water buffaloes

Marlins generally discourage fans from counting before guessing the game's attendance on stadium JumboTron

Team says 'that's cheating'

77 of 78 chemicals used in hydraulic fracturing also found in Twinkie cream filling