Ride the Ducks seeks access to city's fountains

Above: A Duck boat splashes into the fountain in Rittenhouse Square during a test run of a proposed idea that would permit the sightseeing amphibious vehicles to regularly use the small collections of water.

Philadelphia, PA--The following could possibly be overheard at many of Center City's crowded parks come the spring: "Mommy, the penny I just threw in the fountain was just run over by that big boat-truck thingy, does that mean my wish won't come true? Honey, I can't hear you over the quacking whistles, you'll have to speak louder."

The Ride the Ducks sightseeing amphibious vehicles have been missing from Philadelphia since the tragic accident on July 7 that claimed the lives of two Hungarian tourists after a collision with a barge on the Delaware River. Despite this, the company is forecasting a March 2011 return to the waters that does not include either the Schuylkill or the Delaware Rivers.

If not the rivers, then where? Well, if the company and city have there way, how about the plethora of ornate fountains that often center many of our urban parks?

"We want to put the amphib back in amphibious," said Carl Baker, a Philadelphia Ride the Ducks representative. "We've been out of operation these past several months and we're itching to get back on the city's waterways. Plus, it would only be the larger fountains ... and a handful of smaller ones and really small ones."

That's right, move over pennies, watch out swimming residents and heads up to those gathered along the fountains' edges, Ride the Ducks could be your new neighbor.

The Georgia-based company has made it clear that they will cover all costs to retrofit fountains to accommodate its bulky fleet. If a fountain is too small, for example in Fitler Square, Ride the Ducks will call for a redesign, and, in some cases, bring in entirely new fountains, so that a Duck can fit and make several "comfortable" laps.

"The depth of the fountains is really our main concern right now," said Vince Buster, vice president of the Greater Philadelphia Office of Tourism and Marketing, who is strongly backing the plan. "The average water depth of a fountain in the city is 1.4 feet, which is well below the 6.1 feet required for a Duck boat to float. As we found out last week during the test runs, the Ducks are more driving through the fountain water than cruising. So, is it really a true amphibious tour of the city? I don't know how to answer that."

Don't look for skate boards to return any time soon to Love Park, but do keep your eyes out for Ride the Ducks in the popular fountain in the middle of the bustling downtown square. Also, the company has requested that the dyeing of the fountain's water, which has become hugely popular in recent years, be halted out of "fear of staining the amphibious vehicles' white hulls."

City officials were excited about the idea of large, noisy vehicles climbing and descending small ramps and plunging into the historic works of art.

"When I heard the idea," said Valorie Strohman, an adviser to Mayor Michael Nutter, "I pictured me and my family quacking away with the Wacky Quacker whistles as the Duck vehicle splashed into the fountain at Logan Circle. What a great learning experience that would be for the kids. Plus, it'd be loads of fun."

For the proposed idea to be approved, it is believed that Ride the Ducks must provide the mayor and members of City Council with an "endless supply of quacking whistles." This could be a deal breaker for a company who has a patent not only on the Wacky Quackers themselves but their sound as well.

"I don't know about shelling out an endless supply of Wacky Quackers," said Baker. "That's a little steep. We're kind of funny when it comes to our whistles, but we'd be more than happy to give one per councilperson ... and a coupon for a Chic-fil-A sandwich. However, not all Chic-fil-A's are participating."

Above: A Duck boat enters the Love Park fountain last week during a test run. The vehicle was coated with a special lubricant so that the fountain's dye would not discolor the hull.

James, Wade, Bosh confused, thought Heat games would use 3 basketballs

Boston, MA--Last night, the Miami Heat and their big three--LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh--lost, quite surprisingly, to the Celtics, 88-80. After the game, the three stars complained about the fact that there was only one basketball used during play. "I thought they were joking when they started the game with only one jump ball," said Chris Bosh. "I was expecting three separate jump balls at the same time. Pat [Riley] said that if all three of us signed in Miami, all Heat games would utilize three basketballs, even during the regular season. This is some bull#%&*." The two other stars agreed and said they have been practicing all summer and fall using three basketballs in scrimmages and the preseason. "Tonight," James said after the disappointing loss,"there just were not enough basketballs to go around. Hopefully this is taken care of before the next game because I've been working on this crazy dunk where I use all three balls."

Phils to send Brian Wilson carpet cleaning bill after champagne washes away beard dye

Above: The visiting clubhouse at Citizens Bank Park is marred by a black stain on the carpet that was discovered in the early morning hours on Sunday following the Giant's game six NLCS victory and the champagne celebration that ensued. A member of the maintenance staff came across the blemish and made several attempts to remove it before calling 911. Giants' closer Brian Wilson, who admittedly colors his facial hair jet black, is being blamed for ruining the $40,000 carpet, which has been signed by every opposing player that has passed through the room. In addition, the team has spent over $1000 in cleaning bills that they say Wilson is responsible for. Beard dye, according to the Just For Men website, washes right off when exposed to large, prolonged doses of cheap champagne. "They have no proof that it was me," said Wilson, sporting a light brown beard.

Phils loss brings up old debate: Should NLCS be best-of-fifteen or even best-of-seventeen?

Above: Ryan Howard reacts after striking out to end the game and the NLCS, while the Giants celebrate in the background. Afterwards, Howard said all the Phillies needed was a "few more games and they could have pulled it out." For years, Major League Baseball has toyed with the idea of making the NLCS a best-of-fifteen or even seventeen. Television networks have long called for a policy to adjust the best-of format on the fly to assist the team that would bring the best ratings in the World Series. "If we had our way," said Dennis Graham of Fox Sports, "the Phils and Giants would have played game 7 on Sunday night because the series would have been changed to a best-of-nine format. If the Phillies lost that one, it would have gone to a best-of-eleven."

Future field trespasser putting lots of faith into jet pack

Media, PA--A crumpled up piece of paper ricocheted off the rim of the gray, steel Ikea trash can and landed on the burgundy rug, startling the curled up black lab napping in the corner. The ball of blue-lined, 3-holed paper was not alone, it lay in a field of red surrounded by identical scrapped ideas.

Bill C. Turner, 23, is a fifth-year senior at Swarthmore College majoring in mathematics. Though the college is in the heart of the fall semester, which means midterm time, Turner is not studying for his exams, rather, he is preparing for a test of a whole different kind.

The Delaware County native is a diehard Phillies fan and has been planning for weeks to show his allegiance and support of the team by leaving his seat in the fourth inning of an upcoming home playoff game, hopping over the railing and running onto the field. However, Turner feels that his venture onto the grass will end much, much differently than those before him.

"I was devising a plan to actually run onto the field at Citizens Bank Park, avoid security for a length of time and escape," explained Turner about the countless paper balls on the floor and the pencil sketches on the inside. "I kept coming back to the same solution: the jet pack."

What lay on the floor were calculations, including square roots, standard deviations, arc lengths, arm flapping rate per second, fuel weight volume, bungee cord diameters, miniature helicopter torque specs, lift-power of 1200 pigeons, a Domino's Pizza phone number, trajectory predictions and lots of stick figures.

Because fans running onto the field are prosecuted, Turner would not give his middle name or reveal the town where Swarthmore College is located.

"Ever since the tasing incident," said Turner about the teenage fan that was tasered by police earlier this season for coming onto the field of play, "I thought there had to be a better way. You know? I mean, does fan trespassing always have to end in arrest? Can't people just run onto the field and then ... fly away?"

Turner plans to somehow bring a small jet pack--covered with Red Bull advertising-- into the stadium under a large Phillies parka. He admits that the the personal flying device will slow him down once on the field, but, after liftoff, hopes to hover just out of reach of security before taking a "victory flight" around the base paths and eventually exiting the facility by flying over the outfield Liberty Bell.

"And, who knows, I might even make a return flight to Ashburn Alley in the late innings. All that jet packing could make me hungry."

Giants' pitcher refuses to alter unorthodox follow through, says 'it is what it is'

'Terror Behind the Balls?': Local haunted house actors tease coworker about severe jock odor

Fairmount, Philadelphia--Tony Luprin, 29, looks forward every year to the Halloween season, the Francesville resident claims that he actually begins to lose sleep with anticipation by late August. Luprin's restlessness grows from his excitement as a local actor who takes part in "Terror Behind the Walls," the castle-like Eastern State Penitentiary's annual haunted house.

His specific role varies each year, but in the past he has portrayed a deranged inmate, wounded prison guard and a chainsaw-wheeling doctor.

The harrowing event spans September, October and November and has been ranked the country's number one haunted house several times, and helps financially support this National Historic Landmark in the neighborhood just north of Center City.

Luprin is well-known among his Penitentiary coworkers for his dramatic portrayals of the characters he plays, but he is also known among them for another reason.

"Last year, I was partnered with him in the haunted 3-D room for a couple nights and it just became too much," said coworker Paul Donnemiller, 41, of Brewerytown about Luprin's severe jock odor. "I had to get reassigned. I couldn't do it. That guy's jock odor is ripe."

The actor claims to have a perfectly good explanation for this odor.

"I'm a runner, I play soccer and I bike all over the city," explained Luprin. "So, yeah, I get sweaty. Honestly, I don't notice the smell at all, but I guess it's a lot like living next to a noisy highway or elevated train: you get used to it. It's not like I don't bathe. Although, sometimes I go right to work from a soccer game. So yeah, sometimes I don't bathe."

The actor's hygienic problem has earned him the nickname "Terror Behind the Balls." At first, it was a name that was used strictly behind his back--a kind of "quiet everyone, here comes Terror Behind the Balls"-type situation. But he soon learned of the name and had no hard feelings.

"Yeah, we call him 'Terror Behind the Balls.' I actually came up with it," said Jessica Houser. "I think in a weird way he kind of likes being called that. In fact, he doesn't really answer to Tony anymore."

Some have said that the haunted house's number one ranking could be partly due to Luprin's frightening jock odor.

"We like to tease Tony, but it's all in good fun," said Sarah Glastone, 33, who uses a nightstick to bang on cell door bars as unsuspecting visitors to the haunted house pass by. "But, seriously dude, you gotta do something about that jock odor. You're scaring the crap out of the visitors."

Obnoxious Giants fan quiets down after learning heartbreaking Golden Gate Bridge fact

San Francisco, CA--The Walt Whitman Bridge or the Golden Gate Bridge? Though you can't see either from AT&T Park, nestled on the east side of the city, home to over 800,000, the two structures were at the center of a drunken tirade spanning (pun intended) several innings during Game 3 of the NLCS.

Damon Fullerton, a rabid Giants fan from Daly City, CA, is considered by most in AT&T Park's section 234, where the computer programmer has season tickets down the left field line, to be somewhat of a loud mouth.

"We're all Giants' fans, so we tolerate Damon," said Debbie McGeckrin, also a season ticket holder two rows behind Fullerton. "He's knows his stuff, but he really likes to get under the skin of the opposing team's fans with stats ... on all subjects. Sometimes he has some really good zingers. He's a Northeast baseball fan that happened to be born in San Fransisco."

Yesterday, the atmosphere of the second round of the MLB playoffs put Fullerton into a rare mood and his fellow Giants' supporters were loving it.

"Hey, section 234, did you know that Philadelphia's Walt Whitman Bridge is the 46th longest suspension bridge in the world," shouted a standing Fullerton, so the handful of earshot Phillies fans could hear. "Pretty impressive, right? Well, maybe, until you realize that the Golden Gate Bridge is the 9th longest. Sucks to be you Philly."

The surrounding crowd, fired up after just taking a 2-0 lead in the game, gave a big round of applause to this factoid thrown at them, unsolicited, by the beer-toting man draped in orange and performing the sprinkler dance. The cheering seemed to encourage Fullerton, as you could see the gears were slowly moving inside his baseball-capped head.

"Hey, section 234," again yelled the father of two, this time getting a 'hey what' in return from the all-the-sudden attentive fans. "Did you know that the City of Brotherly Shove's Ben Franklin Bridge is the 57th longest in the world? They can really build 'em out there, huh? Oh, but wait, this just in: the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge is the 37th longest. Wow, sorry again Filth-adelphia."

Again, most of the nearby sections cheered, and, when the clapping and whistling died down, a response was issued.

"Hey, buddy!" shouted Frank Cohen, 44, a mechanical engineer for Boeing in Delaware County, PA, wearing a Ryan Howard jersey while following his Fightin's on the road. "The Golden Gate Bridge has 68,000 tons of Bethlehem Steel. That's Bethlehem, PA, you asshole! That's Phillies' country. Sprinkler on that."

Fullerton, who had no immediate comeback and appeared to be in a state of disbelief over this fact, was bright red with embarrassment, quickly sat down and vented his steam by finishing off several Anchor Steam beers. Three innings later, he was ready with a rebuttal.

"Hey, to that Philly guy who said that stuff about my bridge that's mine. You don't know anything at all you don't know," slurred Fullerton, unable to stand without the support of a nearby fan's shoulder. "What'd they do? They send it by boat across the country on a train? What'd they do? Answer me wherever you are. They get a boat and drive through the Panamanian Canal? Canal. Can Al help me sit down?"

The stumbling Giant fan was on to something. The steel for the iconic bridge was, in fact, shipped from the east coast, south through the Panama Canal and to San Francisco. Only at a baseball game!

Phillies, ballpark bracing for kayak inundation in Ashburn Alley

Above: Citizens Bank Park directors hired a Philadelphia Police Photoshop specialist to show what Ashburn Alley could look like over the weekend when the Giants come to town for games 1 and 2 of the NLCS. The kayakers could cause problems in the Alley.

South Philadelphia--Hank Blaylock gave a long sigh on Monday night after Miguel Cabrera grounded out to third base ending the Braves season and sending the San Francisco Giants into the NLCS, a date with the Phillies, for the first time since 2002.

Blaylock is executive director of Ashburn Alley, the mega-popular promenade just beyond the outfield seating sections in Citizens Bank Park named for the talented and one of the most well-liked Phillies' players and announcers of all time, Richie Ashburn. The brick-paved walk reaches capacity throughout the game as it is lined with food concessions that makes it a Philadelphia cuisine lover's paradise.

"Why did I sigh on Monday night?" repeated a wide-eyed Blaylock at an NLCS news conference in Center City, yesterday. "Because they're coming. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it."

Blaylock, somewhat surprisingly, is referring to the many Giants fans that will make the trip eastward from California to Philadelphia to follow their local nine on the road during this playoff run. These orange-clad fans from a great baseball town on the tip of a peninsula are not particularly known for being rowdy or obnoxious, so why all the concern?

"Kayaks!" interrupted Shane Deloitte, Blaylock's assistant. "They love their kayaks out there in San Fran. Always paddling around McCovey Cove and what not. Yeah, in those lousy kayaks. They're going to bring those bulky, plastic floating masses with them right onto Ashburn Alley and there ain't nothin' we can do about it."

It is true, Citizens Bank Park has no policy specifically prohibiting kayaks from entering the stadium. In fact, only two Major League clubs have banned the personal recreation watercraft: the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Oakland Athletics. These two franchises, one a division rival and the other just across the Bay, grew tired of having to accommodate visiting Giants' fans and the accompanying kayaks. Before banning them all together, the A's set a maximum of 5.5 ft per "anything that floats." This, after fans were caught riding down the stairs of the upper deck.

"My advice to Blaylock and his staff: cater to the kayakers as best you can," said San Diego's PetCo Park fan relations director Tony Rosenburg, who has plenty of experience with the backers from the City by the Bay. "If you start banning them from this part of the stadium and that part of the stadium or the parking lots, then you're going to really agitate and provoke them. You don't want to see a drunk, life jacket-wearing Giants' fan in a sea of red swinging a kayak and shouting:'Nobody criticizes our cable cars.'"

The Phillies said they will not close off any areas of the stadium, despite Blaylock's concerns over limited space on all the concourse areas. The team is also permitting kayaks to gather on the sidewalks and streets surrounding the ballpark, with the highest numbers expected on 10th St beyond the outfield seats and Ashburn Alley.

Above: San Francisco hosted the MLB All-Star Game in 2007. The weekend's events brought kayakers from all over the Bay Area to McCovey Cove in an effort to catch or recover a home run ball that cleared the right field stands. These kayakers are expected in Philadelphia this weekend in large numbers--inside the stadium.

Chilean government official: 'These guys aren't minors ... Oh ... miners!'

Rescuers shocked as 'minors' turned out to be miners

Reviews are in: Stadium Holiday Inn rooftop bleachers huge hit

South Philadelphia--Since the opening of Citizens Bank Park in 2004, the nearest part of the city's skyline, the Holiday Inn, has longed to cash in on it's proximity to the stadium complex by offering guests an unmatched "sporting experience." To do this, they climbed the hotel steps ... all of them. And, when the staircase ended, an idea was born.

The Yuengling Top O' the Bleachers at the Holiday Inning, the official name of the hotel's new rooftop game seating area, opened late last month to packed crowds. According to permits, the rooftop bleachers can seat up to 400 people, but some have estimated crowds over 600 gathered on every inch of available space.

Most of these fans have had nothing but positive reviews.

"It was really a great experience," said Ian Offerman, 56, of Point Breeze, who watched Roy Halladay's no-hitter through a telescope on the hotel roof. "The sight lines are awesome. The food is classic. And the back of the animatronic Liberty Bell is poetic. Plus, with military-strength binoculars, I can just make out Bull's Barbecue. Is that the Bull himself?"

"It's like Chicago, but really, really far from the field. And, really, really high up off the ground," said Sean McBride, a dentist from Marlton, NJ, comparing the seats to Wrigley Field's Waveland and Sheffield Ave rooftop stands. "All that was missing was the bratwurst ... and Ditka."

Venturing to the top of the 12-story hotel, however, especially as the seasons change and the shadows grow longer and the days shorter, is not for the faint of heart.

"The games are sold-out, so now the Holiday Inn is the diehard fan's only option," said Carol Francis, 38, dressing in layers for the 20-mph sustained winds that are part of the rooftop experience. "Oh, it's windy up there. During the last game, my eyes got so watery, I missed the final eight innings."

"The wind howls and you really can't hear the person next to you talk," said John Denpher, a Phillies fan from Trappe, PA. "But when it's blowing in the right direction, you can hear the roar of Citizens Bank [Park]."

The Phillies appear to welcome the new seats and plan to count the fans as part of the overall attendance for the respective game, despite being almost a quarter-mile away.

Holiday Inn's management said the bleachers will be open for Eagles' games beginning in November. Also, the hotel plans to add restrooms to the roof area. Currently, fans must climb the steps down to the lobby restrooms. Next season, a kids playland will be added to the very back edge of the roof.

Unbelievable: Halladay records his first playoff hit, RBI, run scored

Philadelphia, PA--The Phillies lead their National League Division Series 1-0 after winning the opening game, 4-0, over the Cincinnati Reds at a raucous Citizens Bank Park, thanks in part to a bat that is not a regular contributor to this dangerously powerful offense.

The Phillie's ace right-handed pitcher, Roy Halladay, who started his first playoff game last night after twelve postseason-less years in the league with Toronto, went 1 for 3 with a single (his first playoff hit) that drove in Carlos Ruiz (his first playoff RBI) to give the team a 2-0 lead in the second inning. Later in the inning, he would score his first playoff run when Shane Victorino singled to center field.

"Roy was struggling on the mound. He walked a guy with two outs in the fifth inning and everyone was a little concerned," said Ruiz, the Phils' catcher who has had a tremendous 2010 season. "Roy didn't have his best stuff, but he made up with it with his bat."

No one, including the workhorse pitcher and members of the media, wanted to discuss the Colorado native's pitching performance at the conclusion of the game. Television reporters pleaded with the seven-time All-Star for an on-field interview to discuss his second-inning single to left field.

In the clubhouse, a media mass converged on Halladay's locker to get details of how it felt to score his first playoff run.

"What went through your mind when you stepped on home plate?" asked one reporter. Halladay, who appears uncomfortable discussing personal achievements, said that he was happy the team got the win. The ultimate professional, Halladay talked briefly about the hit and admitted that he thought it was going to be caught as it quickly dropped to the turf.

Phils' manager Charlie Manuel was thrilled by the pitcher's bat performance, but realizes "Doc" needs to work on his pitch control. "It's great when a hurler can help his own cause by driving home a run or two. But, he walked that batter in the fifth and [Rich] Dubee [Phillies pitching coach] and I just looked at each other like, 'this guy is killing us. What's with this freakin' guy.' We picked up the bullpen phone, but it was only to scare him a bit."

Was standing ovation for a certain beloved snack cake mascot?

Philadelphia, PA--The national media, for once, praised Delaware Valley sports fans for their generous reception for the return of 11-year ex-Eagle quarterback Donovan McNabb. The nearly-minute long standing ovation was recognized, with a smile and wave, and appreciated by the new Washington Redskins' signal caller that led the home team to five NFC Championship games.

Standing behind McNabb on the field at the time of the ovation, however, was the beloved Kirby Krimpet, the mascot for Philadelphia-based Tasty Baking Company's butterscotch Krimpet, one of the city's iconic snack cakes.

"I told my buddy that I was disappointed that they didn't announce McNabb to the crowd," said Hank Barns, an Eagles' fan from Lansdowne, PA, who was seated in section 112 for the game. "He said they did, but it was at the same time that Kirby Krimpet came onto the field. I just get
so excited when I see Kirby Krimpet that I didn't even notice McNabb. I really was looking forward to seeing Donovan."

"This is embarrassing, but I was standing for Kirby Krimpet," said Tyler Supanoff, 54, from East Philadelphia. "I mean, you know it's a big event when Kirby makes an appearance. I feel horrible that I didn't see Donovan. I wanted to show my appreciation for all that he did for this team. I feel horrible."

The mascot, who made his debut in 1994, is regularly brought out for big sporting events at the South Philly sports complex.

"Kirby is like our new Kate Smith, but without the beautiful voice. Come to think of it, he doesn't sing ... or talk," said Teresa Gambone, a Lincoln Financial Field operations manager, referring to the famous singer that became a good luck charm for the Philadelphia Flyers during the 1970's while performing the national anthem before games. "Yeah, he really has no voice, but he's still our Kate Smith. A really quiet Kate Smith."

Part of the fixation with the mascot stems from the mystery of exactly how the Tasty Baking Company gets the icing on top of all Krimpet snack cakes.

"It is the age old question in Philadelphia: How do they get that icing on top of the Krimpet? I guess we'll never know," said Zack Galler, 45, of Francisville. "My kids and I go crazy when we see Kirby. My son has a t-shirt that reads,'Kirby+Krimpet=Kirby Krimpet.' It's priceless."

McNabb said after the game that he thought the standing ovation was for him until he panned around and saw Kirby Krimpet. "I really thought they were clapping for me, then I turned to see that walking, grinning Krimpet behind me. Philly loves that thing. I was a little embarrassed that I waved to the crowd and a little hurt that I had to share the stage with that delicious, icing-topped snack cake. How do they get that icing on top?"

Reid: 'I thought Donovan said meat at midfield after game. I looked, there was no meat. No meat at all!'

Corbett sinks low, attacks Onorato's nonexistant brother

Above: A clip from a recent Tom Corbett attack ad, where the Pennsylvania republican gubernatorial candidate criticizes Dan Onorato's "brother."

Philadelphia, PA--A new attack ad by Republican gubernatorial candidate Tom Corbett has, surprisingly, in this 24-hour news era, broken new ground in Pennsylvania politics. Corbett, Pennsylvania Attorney General, signed off on a television ad that exclusively targeted his opponent's brother.

His opponent, Dan Onorato, Allegheny County Cheif Executive, secured the Democratic primary in the spring after emerging from a very competitive field. The Penn State alum, born in 1961, is the fourth of five children.

According to the television commercial, which was shown across the state beginning last night, Onorato's brother, Colin Onorato, ran for governor of Colorado four years ago, using the slogan,"Colin Onorato for Colorado."

The ad declares: "Colin Onorato for Colorado? Yes, that's right. Colin Onorato for Colorado. Colin Colorato for Onorado? That's quite the tongue-twister, wouldn't you agree? In 2006, Colin Onorato, Dan Onorato's brother, ran for governor of Colorado with this more-than-difficult campaign slogan. Can Pennsylvanians afford a governor who is associated with such a disorienting tongue-twister? Try to say Colin Onorato for Colorado three or four times quickly. It's not easy. But Dan Onorato certainly thinks it is. Dan appeared alongside his brother in Denver and was caught on tape stumbling over the slogan at several pep rallies. Wow, Dan. Wow! Tom Corbett for Pennsylvania. Not so difficult, huh? This message was approved by Tom Corbett. Tom Corbett for Governor."

There is, however, one minor problem with the ads. Dan Onorato, who hails from the North Side of Pittsburgh, has no brother named Colin. The Corbett campaign fabricated Colin and his bid for Colorado governor in 2006.

"I don't have a brother named Colin, simple as that," protested Onorato from his home in Brighton Heights in Allegheny County, smiling at the throng of reporters. "This is a completely made up story. Even if I did have a brother Colin, who ran for governor of Colorado, he would have probably used the slogan: Colin Onorato, making the Centennial State better for all. If I know my fake brother like I think I do, he wouldn't have been so ignorant as to use Colin Onorato for Colorado."

Some residents were stunned by the ads, unaware the brother was a creation of the Corbett campaign. "Yes, it's a terrible and difficult tongue-twister, but does Corbett really need to go digging that up? I mean, it's seems desperate," said Kelly Ruggerio of Altoona. "I'm sure Colin wants to put that behind him."

"You can't penalize someone for their name and how they use it in a slogan," said Hazleton resident Kevin Clonovich. "I like Tom, but that just wasn't right."

Others were thankful of the warning. "I had made my mind up a long time ago," said John Hamilton, in town for a business trip from Erie, PA. "I was going with Onorato. Now, there's no way I can vote for him. Maybe if his brother ran for office in, oh, I don't know ... Tennessee."

When told Onorato had no brother named Colin, Hamilton responded, "Yeah, but still. I can't vote for someone whose brother confused the tongues of millions of people from Colorado."

"I once heard Colin do a speech in Uniontown, PA," said Cliff Dunegan, a registered Republican of the same town. "He had a lot of attitude or something. I can't vote for the brother of that guy. No way!"

Corbett declined to be interviewed for this article. His assistant campaign manager, however, was asked about the strategy of completely making up a relative in order to bring down an opponent: "There's no proof that Colin Onorato, or his Colorado gubernatorial campaign, doesn't exist. I don't know if I can explain that any better."

Onorato plans to air a response ad that informs Pennsylvanians that he has no brother Colin. In addition, the Onorato team plans to air an ad that calls out Tom Corbett's "brother" Corey. Apparently, Corey Corbett ran for mayor of Coral Gables in the recent past.

Belgian beer war heats up as Police rule last month's bus crash 'no accident'

Philadelphia, PA--Philadelphia Police have determined that the SEPTA bus crash that took place back on August 10 was not an accident and is apparently an escalation of the "friendly" Belgian beer war that has been ongoing for several years in Center City.

On that night, a passenger-less transit bus, avoiding a parked PATCO vehicle, swerved and jumped the curb, crashing into the side of Monk's Belgian Beer Cafe at 16th and Spruce Streets, one of the city's most popular restaurant/bars. At the time, it was perfectly clear to witnesses and those directly involved that this was simply an accident.

Police, who had all but closed the investigation, however, became suspicious after an anonymous note, dropped at Police headquarters sometime in the past three days, mentioned Tad's Tavern of Belgian Beers, located at 27th and Lombard Streets.

The note read: "Septa bus crash: You didn't hear this from me, but talk to Tad down at Tad's Tavern of Belgian Beers. Tad will break if you threaten his beer bottle collection. Yeah, mention how you like to smash priceless Belgian beer bottles. (wink, wink) Tad'll get real uncomfortable if you mention the bottles."

"Tad's is a Belgian bar and Monks is a Belgian bar," said Detective Gregory Finn. "We didn't see the connection at first, then, after doing some late night under cover work at each establishment, the connection was crystal clear. That, and the anonymous tip. The Belgian beer war just got turned up a notch as these bars are flexing their ... mussels."

The city offers the best selection of Belgian beers in the nation and the bars that make this possible, admittedly, have fun with the competition and camaraderie that comes along with it.

"Philly has the best Belgian beer scene in the country and there is definitely competition between all the bars to be the best," said Daniel Van Glun, manager of The Philly Belgian, a bar on Schuylkill Ave and Webster St. "Sure, we play jokes on each other, like placing waffles in random corners of a rival bar. Or discreetly hanging pictures of Jean Claude Van Damme karate-kinking a piece of chocolate, but ... well, crashing buses is serious stuff."

Tad's Tavern had recently been ranked dead last among the city's Belgian watering holes. It is believed that Tad's Tavern of Belgian Beers paid off the bus driver to "take Monk's out of the picture for a few months." The bar, however, only closed for four days while repairs were made to the front and the building was determined to be structurally sound. Police would not confirm or deny that Tad had similar plans for the other Belgian bars in the elite fraternity.

The driver of the bus reportedly broke under the interrogation of police and confirmed that, indeed, Tad had been responsible for planning the "accident."

"Apparently, Tad had been really pestering this poor guy to do his dirty work," said Lt Frank Greeley about the driver. "Tad is a real piece of work."

Those affiliated with Monk's were in shock after Police broke the news yesterday.

"I couldn't believe that Tad was responsible. Am I going to retaliate against Tad? Well, honestly, I don't condone this kind of violence," said Monk's owner Harry Kilmer. "But, if SEPTA regional rail trains could travel on streets ..."

"Tad is going away for a long, long time," said Monk's bartender Kevin Tyler, "But now I'll have to talk more about the bus crash for a long, long time. I love our customers, but I'm growing so tired of talking about that crash. Thanks Tad."

"Tad just never got it. Whenever Tad and I would hang out and have a couple beers, he would always talk about the week that he spent in Bruges [Belgium] back in '97," said hostess Kimberly Borden. "He would always say that he 'lived' in Belgium for a week. Tad's a good guy, but he just didn't get it."

John Triplehorn, Tad's lawyer, issued this statement: "My client, Tad of Tad's Tavern of Belgian Beers, did, in fact, live in Belgium during the week of July 9-16, 1997."

Reid says choosing between Kolb and Vick was like choosing between an Arby's #1 or #2 ... or a #8 or #3 ... or a #4 or #6 ... or a #5 or #1

Philadelphia, PA--Eagles' head coach Andy Reid is feeling the pressure. One day after reversing his decision to start Kevin Kolb at quarterback--some say the owner was highly involved--and go with the sizzling Michael Vick, Reid said he wavered back and forth for hours before making his choice. "It really is like going to one of my favorite restaurants and seeing that big, illuminated menu with all those value meals," said Reid, referring to a suburban Philadelphia fast food chain that he frequents. "Do I get four #7's or three #4's? I get the #7 a lot, I know what it offers. I don't know all that much about the #4 because I don't order it too much. I mean, I've taken small bites, if you can believe that, but never consistently ordered it. It's not easy. This has been the toughest couple of days during my time in Philly." So tough, in fact, that Reid was later spotted behind the counter of an Ardmore, PA Dairy Queen, in full game regalia, including headset, yelling instructions at a new employee, after three of his ice cream cones were poured counterclockwise. The manager of the Dairy Queen later told NBC10, "He hopped over the counter, with the help of three customers, and, basically, showed the workers how to pour a 'proper' cone. Interestingly, cones do taste better when poured clockwise. Who knew?"

Halladay wins number 20, says if season ended today 'it would be weird because we've only played 152 games'

Above: Roy Halladay, Phillies' right-handed ace pitcher, says his mission in Philadelphia is complete after winning his 20th game of the season. "Ruben [Amaro] told me that if I came here and won 20 games, something I haven't done since 2008, then my job would be done," said Halladay about the Phillies second-year general manager. "It's time to move on. I've loved my stay here in Philly, but there really is nothing left for me to do here." Halladay is seeking a trade before the end of this season. Halladay added: "I wish the team luck in the upcoming postseason. If only I'd won 14 games and saved six wins for the playoffs. That was my bad. Totally my bad."

Seattle in chaos after capturing WNBA title; nation's coffee supply could be interrupted

Above: The Seattle Storm celebrate a sweep over the Atlanta Dream in the WNBA finals in Atlanta's Phillips Arena yesterday. Below: Championship celebrations get out of control in downtown Seattle as police are called to the scene. The turmoil in the Pacific Northwest, experts say, will undoubtedly disrupt the country's coffee supply. The Storm has aired several public service announcements pleading with fans to celebrate responsibly. In one announcement, WNBA Final's mvp Lauren Jackson warns, "If you guys don't knock it off, they're going to move the championship parade to Tacoma. C'mon everyone, let's party with class."

Sun Life Stadium's ushers caught showing imaginary Marlins' fans to seats in preparation for Dolphins' games

Above: A nearly-empty Sun Life Stadium in Miami Gardens, FL during a recent Marlins baseball game. During Marlins' home games, the Miami metropolitan area, the 7th largest in the country, drops to the 8th most populous metro area. Stadium officials have been known in the past to use August and early September baseball games to prepare new, inexperienced ushers for the much better attended Miami Dolphins' home games, who share the facility. "We like to get the ushers some practice, and since there really are no Marlins fans, they have to just pretend there are people at the games," said Mark Taglioni, a Sun Life Stadium senior usher manager. "Unfortunately, tv cameras have caught our new ushers going through the motions of checking tickets that aren't there and directing thin air to their seats. It may look very strange on television, but it gets us ready for football season."

Bednarik's fondest memory from 1960 season: Eagles' QB Norm Van Brocklin pretending to use telegraph on Packers' sideline

The 1960 NFL Champion Philadelphia Eagles were honored on Sunday during the team's opening game of the 2010 season at Lincoln Financial Field. Between 18 and 20 members of the last Eagles' championship team were wined and dined all weekend before gathering at midfield before kickoff for a loud and sustained greeting from the wet 68,000 fans.

The current squad of Eagles donned the kelly-green uniforms in honor of the pre-Super Bowl league champions from fifty years ago. The kelly-green was a welcomed sight for the Delaware Valley, even for a brief, one-game appearance.

When asked to comment on the throwback uniforms, Chuck Bednarik, 85, the Pro Bowl linebacker and center for the Birds from 1949 to 1962 said, "I once dated a girl named Kelly Green. She was a nice gal from Allentown. Great smile. She worked at Bethlehem Steel making boiler plates."

On Saturday night, the seasoned alumni gathered in South Philadelphia for a welcome back dinner. The old-timers shared hugs, swapped stories, laughed, cringed, got teary-eyed, drew plays on cocktail napkins, bit the top of of beer bottles and tossed a Nerf football around the decked out banquette hall. The throwbacks reflected on their favorite memories of the dream season that was 1960.

Tommy McDonald, the Pro Bowl wide receiver, remembered when Koy Detmer performed "The Whip" dance after throwing a long touchdown pass versus Green Bay and then stared at the Packer sideline in Franklin Field. McDonanld's teammate Pete Retzlaff recalled, "Bill Bergy's tackle on Jim Taylor as time ran out in the championship game is my fondest memory. Although, I may be thinking of the wrong game." Maxie Baughan, a rookie linebacker on the team, described Seth Joyner's famous hit on the Giants' Frank Gifford in Yankee Stadium.

Bednarik, the hard-hitting linebacker, who was often was compared to concrete, also shared a couple of his favorite memories from that season.

"Our great QB Norm Van Brocklin made a nice run in the 3rd quarter of the [1960] title game and was shoved out of bounds around the 40-yard line and ended up near the Packers' bench where all the telegraphs were set up to communicate with the booth upstairs," explained Concrete Charlie. "Norm pretended to use the telegraph before coming back onto the field. He must have tapped that thing 30 or 40 times. It was priceless. Classic Norm Van Brocklin as I recall."

"It was just very out of character for Norm to do that," said the Hall of Famer McDonald. "But, that being said, it was hilarious. Vince was not too thrilled, though."

That Vince, would be the infamous Vince Lombardi, coach of the Packers. It was the iconic team leader's only playoff defeat.

The Van Brocklin stunt was very similar to a more recent incident in the Meadowlands. During a playoff game in 2008 against the Giants Donovan McNabb, after a big run, pretended to use the sideline phone near the Giants' bench (pictured below). The former Eagle quarterback would later admit that he was imitating Van Brocklin's mock telegraphing from 1960.

"My other greatest memory from that 1960 season was Koy Detmer's "The Whip" dance, which was also against the Packers," recalled Bednarik, seconding Detmer's bizarre dance celebration. "That Detmer was an interesting fella."

Millions suffering from PTVD: Post-Traumatic Vuvuzela Disorder

Above: Bob Miller, who suffers from PTVD, attempts to prepare for an important work meeting while horns blare.

Wilmington, DE--From June 11 to July 11 this year, the globe's nearly 7 billion people were treated to the best soccer on the planet at the World Cup in South Africa. The frenzied nationalism that accompanies the tournament heightens the experience and enthusiasm of fanatics around the world. Enthusiasm, more often than not this year, shown with a horn.

Bob Miller hasn't had a solid night's sleep since June 10, 2010. This was the insurance salesman's last night in the U.S. before leaving on a 1:30 PM flight to Cape Town, South Africa from BWI Airport the following day. Admittedly not a huge soccer fan, Miller was joining a group of college buddies for a ten day excursion/reunion to see the world's game up close, to experience, first hand, the sights, smells, tastes and sounds of the game. Miller, and millions of others, were not adequately prepared for the sounds part.

"I had heard of the vuvuzela before going, but, honestly, I didn't realize it was a South African tradition," said the Delaware resident about the long, plastic horn that hails from the southern tip of the continent. "Nor did I have any clue about its volume, both in sound and in numbers."

Miller went on to describe the noise as "deafening" but said it was part of the game there and fans were not so concerned of the long-term effects.

"When you're there at the games, sure, the horns are loud and bothersome, but it's not as noticeable because you're caught up in the excitement in each city and each stadium."

But, since returning home from visits to South Africa, or simply finding other programming to watch on the television since the tournament ended, the horns have not stopped: for millions worldwide.

"It's been almost two months, but I hear the vuvuzela every minute of every day," said Greg Baker of Leadville, CO, who traveled to South Africa to catch several games in person. "I haven't seen a vuvuzela or heard one since the tournament concluded, and yet, I hear it all the time."

"He's been extremely irritable, always telling the kids to stop blowing those f__ing horns. He's become very fond of yelling the insult, 'I'll show you where to cram that vuvuzela' to anyone," said Baker's wife Sally, "even to our minister."

"Not only do I hear horns, which I can sort of understand, but I see the fans resting on my shoulders and playing them," said Miller. "That part I don't understand."

The condition of persistent ringing in the ears is commonly known as tinnitus, but the constant sound of a popular South African horn--and the hallucination of miniature fans playing them--is new to the medical world. Doctors are at a complete loss when it comes to properly treating the strange disorder.

"I just tell patients with PTVD to drink more water and take a couple aspirin," said Dr Chelsea Ross of Wilmington General Hospital. "But, honestly, that's a remedy I just made up one day. I really don't know how to combat PTVD or what its causes are."

Kathy Kim, 31, is a yoga instructor in Providence, RI, and, generally, not a sports fan by any definition. How then does Kim, who relates watching soccer to jamming rusty metal shims under her fingernails, suffer from PTVD?

"I was asked to go to a party this summer, which turned out to be a cookout for the USA-Ghana game--had I known I would have refused the invite--and I literally saw 30 seconds of the match. The horns have not stopped playing in my head since then. It's so loud that I'm worried the sound is upsetting my students' practice."

Samuel Trumbauer, 28, is a violinist for the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, he is a self-proclaimed soccer nut that was, unfortunately, unable to make the long trek to South Africa during the Windy City's break from the cold. The first-seat musician in his group, a ranking that requires endless practice hours to secure, however, was able to watch all 64 matches of the World Cup on ESPN and ABC.

"There's a price for watching every minute of every game. I can't play violin right now. I've had to take time away from the orchestra," said a trembling Trumbauer. "I see these guys playing the vuvuzela on my shoulder all the time. At first, I got really into trying to play in harmony with the [vuvuzela] guys. Then, I began trying to play along with them ... during my symphony concerts. Not good."

Estimated medical costs for those suffering are expected to surpass $700 million by the end of the year. The South African government has pledged $10 million to help with this staggering price tag.

"We really don't feel that we are responsible for any of this," shouted Clinton Van Dorn, a government official rumored to be suffering from PTVD himself, but repeatedly denies the reports. "However, we would like for fans to remember South Africa fondly."

Picture perfect afternoon at PPL Park ruined by lack of armrests

Chester, PA--It was one of those weather days that you wish would make itself comfortable and stick around for awhile: high seventies, low humidity, the occasional cloud and a cooling breeze. Frank Monroe had been looking forward to his first-ever visit to PPL Park, the Delaware Valley's newest sports facility and home to Major League Soccer's Philadelphia Union. He couldn't have picked a better day than Saturday.

Monroe, 47, is a casual Union fan (he couldn't accurately report the team's record or top scorer) but had heard so many great things about the sporting experience on the banks of the Delaware River that he had to witness it firsthand. From the endless energy of the Sons of Ben supporters to a hard working soccer team to the views of the meandering, adjacent river and the imposing Commodore Barry Bridge it is easy to see the draw of this shiny European football palace.

After gliding through the packed concourse and turning up through the tunnel to the seating area, however, something was off. Something, Monroe felt, was not quite right.

"I hurried inside the stadium all excited, got my draught beer of choice--Victory Prima Pilsner--had the usher point me in the right direction, climbed the numerous steps, sat down, placed my cup of liquid heaven in the holder and rested my arms on the ... there was nothing there," said a frustrated Monroe. "I mean, literally, there were no armrests. It wasn't just my seat. It was every single one."

That's right, PPL Park (named for the Allentown based Pennsylvania Power and Light utility company) was designed without armrests between the seats. A cost-cutting measure that has, until Saturday, gone mostly unnoticed.

"What am I suppose to do with my arms? No, really, that's not a rhetorical question. What am I suppose to do with my arms?Am I suppose to fold my arms or set them on my lap or let them hang awkwardly? No self-respecting jetliner director does that."

The Crum Lynne, PA native and Philadelphia International Airport grounds crew plane director claims that armrests are critical in providing "much needed rest for arms."

"My arms are my livelihood. I'm the guy on the tarmac with the illuminated vest and souped-up glow sticks that directs the planes into and out of the gates. My arms are always moving and pointing and waving. They need to be rested on my days off. It's critical."

Monroe claims that more than 60% of the rest his arms receive come from using armrests on home chairs or, in some cases, stadium seats.

"I've been to about 20 Phillies games this year and, guess what?" said the father of four. "My arms were well-rested during all of those three-hour games. Why? Because they have armrests at Citizens Bank Park. C'mon, we're not animals."

Monroe also admitted that on Saturday he kept leaning right, left and forward without his usual arm support, a local university confirmed this tendency.

The University of Pennsylvania recently completed a study on armrest-less stadium seating as it relates to posture during games. Though primarily focused on the bleacher seating at Penn State University's Beaver Stadium, PPL Park was also briefly analyzed, unbeknownst to the Union.

"Because there are no armrests at PPL, the average Union fan slouches anywhere from seven to fifteen degrees forwards or sidewards in their seats, compared to two to five degrees for a Phillies or Eagles fan," said Dr Ted Greenboundberg, the back specialist at the UPenn Medical Center directing the study.

Other fans attending the Union's games in the new stadium seemed unfazed and unconcerned with the missing seat features.

"I stand the whole time buddy, so ... I really don't even know what you're talking about," said Gary Yoneski, 23, of Media, a dedicated Sons of Ben member pausing from the Click It or Ticket chant echoing from the River End seating section. "Although, the cup holders could be higher. Yeah, that would be cool."

One positive that Monroe took from the seating situation at PPL Park was the elimination of the armrest face-off. This is the friendly battle with the person or persons seated beside you for the right to use the armrest. Although Monroe claimed to be undefeated in these face-offs, including both movie theaters and stadiums, he felt they exhausted his arm's energy reserves.

And the game? The Union tied the Kansas City Wizards, 1-1, but Monroe was preoccupied.

Jar placed back on bear's head for appearance on Today Show

Above: The Today Show cast welcomes the Florida "jar bear" to the show following a lighthearted Snuggie segment.

Apalachicola National Forest, FL--In early August, a hiker was blazing the trails of this sprawling wooded landscape set in the northwestern portion of the Sunshine State. Hank Blaylock, 41, hiking sticks in hand, was not at all prepared for what he encountered on this early morning adventure.

"I rounded a bend in the trail and right there before me was a small bear ... with a jar stuck on its head," said the Pensacola high school chemistry teacher. "I mean, I'm terrified of bears but I couldn't help from laughing. I felt bad. I'm mean, it looked ridiculous with that jar on its head. But, I knew it was in serious danger and I contacted park officials as soon as I could."

This story of a Florida bear with a jar stuck on its head became national news several weeks ago as it struck a chord with America's collective heart. The mammal was even given lovable nicknames by news outlets all over the country: JarJarStinks (a bad breath reference, perhaps?), Bear With Jar on Head, Bear With #2 Plastic Jar on Head, NASA Bear, The Recycling Bear, Jarhead, The Radical Dieting Bear and Kareem Abdul JarBear.

The jar prevented the bear from both eating and drinking and it was estimated and feared by experts, had the animal not been freed of its constraining container, that death was surely imminent, possibly within hours.

These same animal experts believed the bear was rummaging through a nearby campground garbage dump when the container, most likely holding an unconscionable amount peanut butter (it was eventually traced to CostCo), became lodged as the animal investigated the sweet smell wafting from the inner walls.

The response from the public, after the bear was caught and the jar removed, was overwhelming. So popular was the story that the morning national news show Today went to great lengths to host the ferocious, wild animal.

"The story seemed to grab America's attention when it hit a couple weeks ago and because of scheduling we weren't able to have the bear on before the jar was removed. So Today paid all of the fees to track the bear, tranquilize it and the brother and mother, place the jar back on its head--only for the five minute segment--and send it to New York. It's a real feel good story," said Today producer Jim Haldeman. "America wanted to know what the bear was up to."

The show's resident weatherman Al Roker got a big kick out of the bear, teasing the animal by rubbing a slab of red meat on the outside of the jar, which appeared to only slightly frustrate the carnivore. The animal, not used to humans and as a safety measure, was heavily sedated before clumsily walking onto the New York set accompanied by a forest ranger.

Several cast members of the show jokingly told Roker to stop before joining in themselves with donuts and a half-eaten Snickers bar, much to the chagrin of the ranger. Matt Lauer and Natalie Morales debated whether the jar looked more like a pretzel container or the officially reported peanut butter jar. Today's online poll revealed 87% of respondents (32,978) felt it was a pretzel container.

"I thought the whole appearance on the show was kind of strange," said 10-year Florida forest ranger Don Hager, the bear's guardian for the trip. "Something just didn't seem right about bringing a wild bear out of its natural habitat. I was, however, very generously compensated, and, to be completely honest, I also thought that the jar was one of those big pretzel containers."

US Open officials disappointed as player promised narcolepsy was 'completely under control'

Opponents of new Manhattan skyscraper say it will confuse giant apes

New York, NY--A proposed new skyscraper in Midtown Manhattan (center of picture) will be only 34 feet shorter than the Empire State Building (left) when completed. Many, including the owners of the iconic structure that has defined Midtown's skyline since 1931, are upset about the new building's close proximity. The frustration stems from confusing one of the city's largest and most dangerous visitors. "Let's just say that a large ape returns to the city one day," said Frank Dunmiller, managing director of the ESB. "This ape knows the Empire State Building from instinct. Therefore, placing another skyscraper of such stature close by will only confuse the beast. Do we really want a confused, giant ape running through the streets of New York? Or do we want a slightly less confused ape? I'll take the slightly less confused one." A vote last week approved the structure, and, some say, the fate of the city. "We're all doomed now! Doomed I tell you," shouted Mayor Michael Bloomberg at a press conference soon after the vote was announced. "You all just wait and see what happens the next time an enormous ape comes and terrorizes the city. We're going to have to dip seriously into my fund now." Bloomberg was referring to the King Kong Defense Fund, a monetary reserve, started last year, to assist in protection from and cleanup after gigantic ape visits to Manhattan.

Umpires permit Oswalt to bring rosin bag, pitching rubber into outfield to ease anxiety

Philadelphia, PA--Sixteen innings of baseball, over five hours of play, will empty seats, not only in the stadium but in the dugout as well. On Tuesday night, the Phillies and the Astros worked overtime to decide a game that was tied in the bottom of the ninth when Jimmy Rollins sent a solo shot into the right field seats.

That much time on the field will not only test stamina--although, it is baseball--but nerves and patience as well. The composure of all on the field are put to the test, including, like, oh, I don't know, the third base umpire Scott Barry.

Part of the reason the Phils bench was so empty, never mind the 16-inning marathon, was that Barry had thrown first baseman Ryan Howard out of the game in the 14th inning after the slugger questioned a checked swing called strike and then appeared to show up the umpire with body language. Actually, the tension between the two went back to earlier in the at bat, but, nonetheless, Howard's departure meant, other than pitchers, there was no one left to play the field.

Enter Roy Oswalt, the team's number two starting pitcher, recently acquired from ... Houston. Oswalt, who admitted later that he was terrified to play outfield, received a warm ovation from the remaining late night crowd. His anxiety was eased somewhat when an old, familiar, reliable friend (a friend to all pitchers) accompanied the pitcher to the land beyond the infield.

"I wasn't going out there without a rosin bag, and I told Charlie [Manuel] that," said Oswalt, who successfully fielded a fly ball bringing the fans to a roar and a smile to the Mississippi native. "At one point, I turned back, gave a wink to the rosin bag and said, 'Hey, rosin! You got to back me up if a ball gets past me. Ha, ha. You crack me up rosin bag.'"

The rosin bag is usually placed on the backside of the mound and used when pitchers feel they need a better grip on the ball to improve their control. To ease Oswalt even more, the grounds crew, between innings and before the pitcher took the field, quickly installed a pitching rubber that was flush with the grass turf.

"My comfort out there is really a credit to the grounds crew, and, even though they had a tough night, the umpires too for allowing me to take a rosin bag and a pitching rubber with me. It made me feel like I was on the mound. Yeah, it was like a mound out there, but just really, really far from home plate ... and not as hilly."

After catching the fly ball, Oswalt ran the handful of steps back to the grass-surrounded rubber, went through a stretch windup and threw the ball to the cutoff man. Wow, only in baseball!

Japanese economy claims Chinese economy unfairly passed them on double-yellow line road

Tokyo, Japan--Last week, it was reported that China's burgeoning economy had risen to number two in the world, finally surpassing the once roaring Japanese economy, the longtime holder of that penultimate position.

The archipelago nation, however, with 127 million people (and holding steady), 9 percent of the population of China, and nearly 25 times smaller in land area, is crying foul.

"It's not right," said Somi Takashumi, Japan's Minister of the Economy, during a rare display of emotion at a press conference on Monday. "China's economy has to play by the same rules that we all have to play by."

Takashumi, long critical and skeptical of fast growing economies with endless sources of cheap labor, especially in the region, claims to have learned of his country's fall to the third spot, listening, ironically, to TKO Radio, while driving to his downtown office complex on a winding, solid double-yellow line road just outside of Tokyo.

"The road was clearly marked with a double-yellow line, which indicates no passing. They use double-yellow lines for a reason, all over the world. It's not safe to pass other countries, er, vehicles because of a hill, curve or other view limiting conditions. It's not fair," complained Takashumi.

Seeing his country drop from the second spot could not have been easy for the Minister in his second, and, most likely, final ten-year term. The 84-year-old from Okinawa, who served as a pilot during World War II, studied economics at Hokkaido College and eventually earned a doctorate at Shikoku University, was instrumental in Japan's rise from the ashes to a prosperous technology-based economy.

"We make Honda, Toyota, Nissan, Kawasaki, Mazda, Isuzu, Mitsubishi, Lexus, Scion, Infiniti and Acura," said a sour Minister, scrambling to make his point. "I mean, what I'm trying to say is that the line was double-yellow. Does that not mean anything in today's society? It means no passing and it means this should be looked into."

The World Bank and the International Monetary Fund, neither holding the power to influence the world's economy size rankings, said they would investigate Japan's claim of driving in a no passing zone while learning of China's expanded economy.

"We don't usually do this kind of stuff, but we'll look into it. If, in fact, Minister Takashumi was driving on a road that was clearly marked with double-yellow lines, then we will shift the Chinese economy back to the third spot and return Japan to second. But, again, this is really not our thing," said Guy LaFontaine, a World Bank official.