Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Eagles credit Gritty's fiery pregame 'speech' for victory over Rams

Los Angeles--Yes, that was Gritty, the Flyers wacky new mascot, on the Eagles' sideline at the Memorial Coliseum on Sunday night. The Orange blob of hair was personally invited to the game by head coach Doug Pederson in an effort to 'spark the team to victory.' "I was just about to address the team before taking the field and coach told me to 'zip it' because we have a special guest here in LA," said QB Nick Foles. "All of the sudden Gritty walks in and just gives a very intense and inspiring routine...without saying a word. Guys were going nuts." Pederson stood in the corner of the locker room and took in the scene. "I was amped up," said the coach. "Gritty came in and you should have seen the faces on the players. Gritty's eyes said it all when they moved independently of each other: go out there and beat the Rams and keep your season alive. Be wacky and wild." Several players said their kids were going to be very jealous. Pederson laughed during the postgame press conference when he revealed that the bright orange mascot was actually on the flight with the team to LA, but was wearing a disguise so that no one would recognize him. "He had an exit row seat," said the coach, "and was wearing glasses and a fake mustache."

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Year in Review: Amazon announces same-day delivery on exact model dartboard used to pick HQ2 locations

Seattle, Washington--In November, after nearly a year of anticipation and lengthy analysis, Amazon announced that the popular Winmau Blade 5 Bristle Dartboard with all-new thinner wiring for higher scoring and reduced bounce-outs would be eligible for same-day delivery. This is the exact same model dartboard approved by Amazon CEO Jeff Bazos and used by the unpaid Amazon interns responsible for selecting the site(s) of the company's new corporate headquarters--nicknamed HQ2. The reduced bounce-outs and improved dart deflection with 30-degree reduction in razor wire angle helped the giant online retailer more efficiently choose locations for an estimated 50,000 total workers. "Less bounce-outs means quicker decision making," said one intern. "One of the darts we threw landed right on the line between Long Island City [NYC] and Crystal City, Virginia. Really, I swear. So, naturally, we went with both locations for a new headquarters." Bazos bragged that there were over four rounds of darts tossed to determine the final cities chosen for HQ2. He also vehemently denied that there was no "do over" when the final dart thrown landed on Tucson, Arizona. "Tucson did well in the dart tournament, but New York [City] and [Washington] DC won fair and square," Bezos added.

Friday, November 30, 2018

Nik Wallenda to walk tightrope stretched between the 41 North Broad St light poles...while eating a cheesesteak

Philadelphia--High-wire extraordinaire Nik Wallenda will attempt to walk a tightrope over a 2.5-mile segment of North Broad Street sometime in the spring of 2019. The world-renowned acrobat called conquering the forty-one, 55-ft tall posts "a challenge that would surpass my Niagara Falls stunt" in 2012. Wallenda said the final details will be worked out in the coming weeks, but that he may attempt the walk without a balancing pole or, if challenged in court, with only a two-foot-long balancing pole. The other possibility is using an extra-large cheesesteak as a balancing pole and slowly consuming it during the walk. Pat's, Geno's, and Jim's have all reportedly met with the high-wire walker and offered to name a steak: the Wallenda Wit.

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Thousands of Chiefs fans gather in Mexico City bars to watch...minor league soccer

Mexico City--Hundreds of Kansas City Chiefs fans (and Rams fans?) made the best of an unfortunate situation when the NFL moved the Chiefs-Rams game from Mexico City to Los Angeles because of poor field conditions at Azteca Stadium. Instead of losing thousands of dollars in non-refundable vacation plans, most fans traveled to Mexico to enjoy all the city has to offer...and, hopefully, catch their beloved team at a local bar for the much-hyped Monday night game. However, bad luck continued for many, if not all, NFL fans in town for the contest when many the city's bars were only showing minor league soccer. "Every tv had minor league soccer on," said one disgruntled Chiefs fan visiting from Overland Park, Kansas. "We went to, like, six bars and it was all minor league soccer: El Soccer Bar, Futbol y Cervesas Bar, Soccer Town, Montezuma's Red Card Bar & Grille, The Minor League Soccer Bar, and El Patada Bar. I mean...c'mon." Another Chiefs fan quietly admitted: "I didn't realize there was minor league soccer. I actually kind of enjoyed it."

Monday, October 22, 2018

Local developer uses 'opera-tunity' 26 times during press conference unveiling redeveloped opera house

Philadelphia--The Opera House on North Broad Street has a new life as the Met Philadelphia: a 3,500-seat theater for all kinds of entertainment. Built in 1908 by Oscar Hammerstein, the theater sits at Broad Street and Poplar Street. Large crowds recently gathered at the site during the ribbon-cutting ceremony. "It's such an amazing building," said the local developer in charge of revamping the historic structure. "I looked at it and thought it was such a great opera-tunity." There was a smattering of chuckles across the audience of media members and politicians seated in the gleaming new lobby. "It's such an honor to bring a building such as this one back to life--a real...opera-tunity. The Delaware Valley and beyond will have the opera-tunity to see a wide range of shows at this beautiful facility." The final count of "opera-tunity" reached twenty-six by the time the developer finished addressing the audience.

Thursday, September 20, 2018

Carson Wentz cleared for contact...lenses

Philadelphia--Eagles team doctors have cleared injured star quarterback Carson Wentz for contact...lenses. The QB, who tore his ACL and LCL last season in a game versus the L.A. Rams, does not need contact lenses after undergoing laser eye surgery in 2017, but has been cleared to use lenses again in the future if ever needed or desired. One fan called the announcement "very confusing," given that Wentz has not been cleared for contact by doctors and missed the opening two games of the 2018 season versus the Atlanta Falcons and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. "Why do [the Eagles and reporters] pause after 'contact' when announcing this news?" said the fan. "I was all excited...it sounded like he was cleared for contact."

Sunday, September 2, 2018

Statue commemorates not only Lincoln's conquest of public speaking phobia but 'all politicians'

Valley Forge, PA--Abraham Lincoln's severe public speaking phobia was recently highlighted in the New York Times best-selling book Puddle at Gettysburg by David McCullough. Last month, a new statue was erected to honor Lincoln's struggles when addressing large audiences. "The new statue (pictured above), Puddle of Nerves, honors not just the 16th President of the United States, but all politicians that have overcome the fear of public speaking. Many prominent politicians throughout history have suffered from debilitating glossophobia," said Gail Sinclair, Chief Operation Officer of the Valley Forge History Corporation--a for-profit history company.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Wentz lost for season: What was star QB even doing in game at that point? Injury occurred as Eagles were being blown out 28-24 in 3rd quarter

"We were losing by four points in the 3rd quarter. I mean, c'mon, it was over. Why was he even in the game at that time and not [Nick] Foles? The game was over," said one Eagles fan.

Friday, March 31, 2017

NFL Draft Prep: City, NFL release updated security info for three-day event

Roger Goodell will conduct a mass along the Parkway and give a speech at Independence Hall.

Above: Philadelphia and the National Football League released an updated security zones map for the upcoming NFL Draft to be held along the Benjamin Franklin Parkway from April 27-29.

Friday, December 9, 2016

Rhule's appearance on 'Fixer Upper' hinted at move to Baylor

Waco, Texas--Two weeks ago, former Temple University head football coach, Matt Rhule, appeared on the hit HGTV show "Fixer Upper." The home makeover show is based in and around Waco--the home of Baylor University. Rhule left Temple earlier this week to become the head coach at the Waco university. The episode featured Rhule searching for, and purchasing a fixer upper as "an investment property" in the Waco area. Chip Gaines, one of the co-hosts of the show, and Rhule each wear headsets throughout the episode and run several football plays in the front yard at the end of the show. Co-host Joanna Gaines asks several times, "You sure you're not moving down here?" And Rhule responds, "This is just an investment property." Yesterday, the former Penn State linebacker said that he would move into the house from the episode, but that "it really was an investment property."

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Carson Wentz admits to making at least one 'Fargo' movie reference at each post-game press conference

Philadelphia--"We played like we were being put through a wood chipper today," said Eagles quarterback, Carson Wentz, after the Eagles lost to the Washington Redskins on October 16, 2016. Wentz attended North Dakota State University in Fargo, ND, and grew up in Bismark, ND. "I don't know, kinda funny looking," Wentz said when asked about some of the defensive schemes the Lions used during a game on October 9, 2016--another Eagles loss. The rookie QB said some of his more "bizarre" post-game comments have been inspired by the 1996 Coen brothers film Fargo.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Dorenbos originally planned to audition for AGT as long snapper, not magician

"I went into [America's Got Talent] to show my talents as a long snapper. You know, just snapping the football. But my act would have been the same each week...so I went with magic," said Philadelphia Eagles' long snapper Jon Dorenbos.
Image: NYTimes.com

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Phillies must win final 17 games to avoid first losing season since 2015

To finish .500 the club must win all remaining games on the schedule. "We can do this," said one Phillies player.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Manayunk Bridge multi-use trail turning into hotbed for fishing

Phila., PA--The challenge of keeping a fish on a fishing line during the long, nearly 20-plus minutes it takes to reel a catch in from the surface of the river to the top of the bridge has drawn anglers from across the region to the almost one-year-old trail bridge. (The rail bridge was built in 1918.) "It's not the catching of the fish that brings me here," said Dan Bayles, 37, from Wellsboro, PA. "It's keeping the carp or catfish or whatever's on the hook, well... on the hook while I reel it in." Planners from both sides of the Schuylkill did not anticipate the popularity of fishing from the bridge. "It's just too damn high," said Porter McLaughlin, a transportation planner for Philadelphia's northwest neighborhoods. "You're not even allowed to fish from the bridge. It's just too damn high." The first annual Manayunk Bridge Fishing tournament will be held over the weekend of September 17-18, 2016. "Anyone caught fishing from the bridge will be prosecuted," said Captain and Second Lieutenant, Adrian Sillenger of the Manayunk Police Department.   

Friday, July 29, 2016

Thursday, July 14, 2016

MARC working diligently with SEPTA to remove crab cake odor from upholstory of rented cars

Above: A MARC (Maryland Area Regional Commuter) train arrives at Hart-Miller Island Station in Maryland. SEPTA has rented five train cars from MARC to help offset losing one-third of its regional rail fleet due to cracks in the cars' suspension systems. The MARC trains were put into service in Philadelphia on Monday and almost immediately passengers and conductors knew something was "off." "The entire car smells like crab cakes," said one SEPTA conductor. "I'm allergic to seafood." SEPTA contacted MARC about the crab cake odor and is seeking a reduction in rent from nearly $20,000 per week to $15,000 per week for the coaches if the problem persists. "I love crab cakes," said one SEPTA official, "but they're not for every one." The MARC coaches will be power washed and shampooed at the Overbrook Maintenance Facility and out of service for the next four weeks.

Monday, July 11, 2016

Friday, July 8, 2016

Indian Railways has solution to SEPTA's regional rail woes

Above: An Indian Railways train arrives in Dhanushkodi Rama Sethu Point station. After taking one-third of its regional rail fleet out of service, SEPTA plans to meet with Indian Railway officials to assist in prepping its remaining cars for passengers to ride on the outside of trains. "They are the world leader in exterior train travel," said one SEPTA official. "Or, ETT, as it's known in the business."