Saturday, July 4, 2015

Mayor insists that ad to 'come celebrate town's 241st Fourth of July parade' is no typo

"We declared our independence on July 4, 1774. Yep, we were the first--and actually had an elaborate parade that day--but it cost us dearly. About half the town was shot down by the creek the next morning."

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Nautical revelers very confused as Tall Ships Festival simply a model ship exhibition

"I thought they were going to be full-size ships, not models," said Dennis Harris, a Medford, NJ, resident. "I paid $85 for a 90-minute Delaware River cruise aboard a tall ship. How does that work? It's not the Small Ships Festival"

Friday, June 19, 2015

Papal Visit: Philadelphia, MontCo, ChesCo, to purchase lots of 15-passenger pedicabs for Schuylkill River Trail transport into, out of city

Philadelphia--Yesterday, the city, in partnership with Montgomery and Chester Counties, revealed an ambitious plan to turn forty miles of the popular Schuylkill River (multi-use) Trail into a "major transportation artery" for the Pope Francis visit in September. How? Pedicabs...lots of them. In fact, the three counties, using a $700K grant from the Papal People Partnership, will purchase two hundred, fifteen-passenger pedicycles to be used to (slowly) shuttle visitors into and out of the city on September 26 and 27. Pedicabs will leave from Pottstown, Spring City, Phoenixville, Oaks, Norristown, Conshohocken, Spring Mill, Manayunk, and East Falls. The journey from Pottstown to Center City, roughly forty miles, via the human-powered cabs could take about five hours--if all passengers are truly pedaling and there is a generous tailwind. No other bicycles will be permitted on the trail on September 26 and 27 to clear the way for the cabs. "This is really going to take the pressure off our roads and rails," said Gary Saint Jasperson, interim operating manager of the Ches-Mont Transportation Authority. "But the plan can only work if all fifteen passengers are pedaling." Additionally, the city and Septa announced that Paoli train station will be the only suburban rail station operating on the entire Septa regional rail network during the Saturday and Sunday of the World Meeting of Families. "If you live in Bucks County or New Jersey, for example, and you want to use regional rail to get into the city, you must drive to Paoli," said Saint Jasperson. "Yes, it will be crowded in Paoli, but we'll have plenty of orange cones set up. Really, we just purchased about seventy-five brand new orange cones."

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Customer carefully reviewing wide beer selection at Wegmans Craft Your Own Pack section quietly filling carrier with six Budweisers

Upper Merion, PA--Harry Oliver is not into the craft beer movement. He is, quite simply, "a Budweiser, Coors, Miller kind of guy." Oliver is in the minority among his friends of late twenty-somethings who regularly make pilgrimages to local brew pubs to taste the latest creation of a mad brewer. "I don't need cinnamon or pumpkin in my beer," said a defensive Oliver. "I just don't." But the system analytics coordinator of analysis doesn't particularly like to advertise that he's not aboard the craft beer express. "Yes, I could go to Wegmans and simply buy a six pack of Budweiser, but I like to go to the build-your-own-six-pack section, look intensely over all of the beers like I'm really interested in them, pick one up, read it, put it back, then, when no one or few are looking, quickly put a Budweiser into the carrying case," explained Oliver, referring to his beer-buying excursions to the supermarket chain. "I won't take all six at one time. I'll slowly build the pack with all 'weiser or Miller, while acting like I give a damn about the other beers. I know it's a bit phony, but there's a lot of pressure to be into local craft beer. A LOT of pressure." The King of Prussia resident admits he gets strange looks when other customers--building six packs with micro beers, agonizing over each selection, debating which bottle or can has earned the right to fill one of the six coveted slots of the cardboard holder--get a glance of Oliver's macro beer lineup. Notes: Oliver claims to have found away around the "no more than two (2) of one variety of beer rule" when building a six pack but would not divulge.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

New Wawa at Broad and Walnut to have seating, full bar, valet parking, live music

The popular convenience store chain is creating the country's first "gastr-hoagie pub" in Center City Philadelphia and will feature touchscreen ordering from tables. 

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Anonymous donation ensures Spruce Street Harbor Park dolphins will return for 2015 season

Above: Fresh water Dolphins, Cindy and Sandy--yes, named after the fearless Jaws 3 mammals--perform at the Spruce Street Harbor Park in August 2014. The pair's return for the 2015 season was uncertain until an anonymous donation was made to cover the steep costs associated with keeping the dolphins in the inner water garden area of the floating portion of the park for three months. Adventure Aquarium, just across the river in Camden, NJ, loaned Cindy and Sandy to the Delaware River Waterfront Corporation, the park's operator, last season and covered much of the costs. "The dolphins were a huge hit last summer," said one DRWC official. "It's a very tight space and the dolphins were real troopers. We may put up splash guards to protect patrons during the performances."

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Popular Philly gastropub unveils Sam Bradford sandwich: avocado, chicken, & lettuce

"Someone created the BLT, we just created the ACL," said the eatery's owner. "For just $1.50 more you can make it a double ACL."

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

What was motive behind Chip Kelly's disguise at the NFL Combine? (If it really was Chip Kelly)


Indianapolis--Was that Chip Kelly? A man who claimed to be a scout for the NHL's Winnipeg Jets, holding several worn stopwatches, was spotted evaluating the nearly 300 talented athletes at the NFL Combine daily from February 17-23 at Lucas Oil Stadium. The individual, who introduced himself as "Gary Reynolds from the Jets," knew quite a lot about the Philadelphia Eagles and the team's needs in the upcoming April/May NFL draft. The bizarre get-up--if it really was Chip Kelly--fooled most coaches, players, and front office personnel present at the high profile tryout. "I like this Mariota guy," said Reynolds/Kelly. "He'd fit in nicely with the Birds uptempo system, er, I mean, as a right winger up in Manitoba."

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Residents calling for better lighting in new pedestrian tunnel at southwest corner of Washington Square


Above: A new pedestrian access way at the southwest corner of Washington Square Park in Philadelphia. The "tunnel," which required the demolition of the first floor of an historic South Washington Square building and millions of dollars to then make the upper floors structurally sound, opened just over two weeks ago after a nearly decade long court battle. Nearby residents are now calling for improved lighting of the passageway that links the park and Manning Street to the south.


Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Super Bowl XLIX: 'We talked about all the snow in Boston...the Grand Canyon...how Mad Men is ending soon...I don't know, stupid stuff'

Above: NFL commissioner Roger Goodell presents the Super Bowl XLIX MVP trophy to Tom Brady of the New England Patriots. The two assured fans and media that the encounter was not at all awkward after the two weeks of deflategate madness that preceded the big game in Glendale, AZ.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Saturday, January 24, 2015

NHL noticing media attention given to Deflategate, 'will likely' move to inflatable pucks

New York--Could the NHL move to inflatable pucks? Reports out of the Big Apple seem to think that the league is "blown away" by the media circus that deflategate has spurred around the NFL and "wants a piece of the action." An NHL puck is one inch thick, three inches across and about six ounces in weight. A move to an inflatable puck would dramatically reduce the weight and nearly double the dimensions, but the league wants higher television ratings and more media spotlight. Controversy over the proper inflation of a puck could provide exactly that. "Maybe we could have our own deflategate," said one NHL official. "We could use the same 12.5 to 14.5 psi thing that the NFL has. Maybe [Sidney] Crosby likes them at 11.5 psi and reporters from all over the world question him about how he may have let some air out. I'm just blown away by the media hype from [deflategate]. Just blown away."

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Deflategate: NFL discovers air in trunk of Belichick's car

The coach's trunk appeared "empty" to the untrained eye, said one NFL official participating in the investigation of the Patriots. "But the trunk was filled with air. Air that could have come from deflated footballs. We're running many tests," said the official.
"The air from those footballs is somewhere," said one NFL coach who wanted to remain anonymous. "It didn't just disappear into thin air. It's in someone's trunk, backyard, or at the bottom of the Charles River."