Thursday, January 30, 2014

Report: NFL considering holding Super Bowl every four years

New York City--Reports have surfaced that the NFL is considering a plan to hold the Super Bowl every four years. Say what? Why provide rabid and casual fans less of its showcase event, which captures the largest American television audience of the year? "If [the NFL] could, the NFL would hold two Super Bowls annually," reported one league official on condition of anonymity. "But they can't, or can they? The strategy here is to heavily--I mean, heavily--promote the conference championships, which would be played in two neutral sites on different weeks for three 'off' years between Super Bowls. Voila: that's how they get their two Super Bowls." An "AFC Super Bowl" and an "NFC Super Bowl" doubles television commercial spots, ticket sales, and the two-week pregame media frenzy leading up to the contest. On the the year the Super Bowl is held, conference championships would be played in stadiums of the highest remaining playoff seed, as is the case now. The league could also add a round to the playoffs during "off" years to "counter" the lost final game. "Analysts predict a (very hungry) television audience for a Super Bowl held every four years could double viewer numbers and send costs for commercials skyrocketing. The hype for the game would be unimaginable." Not seeing an AFC team compete against an NFC team in the final game of the year on the grandest stage may be tough for many to understand. And that, in the end, the NFL is, well, a business.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

'Omaha...steaks...steaks...Omaha...steaks... Heartland quality since 1917, hut, hut': Steak company pays Manning millions to tweak line scrimmage call

Omaha, NE--Omaha Steaks has reached an agreement with Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning to endorse the steak company during games while calling plays at the line of scrimmage. "During game broadcasts, Peyton's line of scrimmage calls are so audible to the home viewer," said Omaha Steaks CEO, Gary Devlin. "His shouts of 'Omaha' are so clear. We thought what if we added 'Steaks' to the call, and maybe a short description about quality and the founding year of the company. I mean, how perfect is that?" The proposed call: Omaha...steaks...Omaha...steaks...steaks... Heartland quality since 1917, hut, hut. The call order can--and should--be varied so as not to come across as a product advertisement during play, which would go against NFL rules. The 37-year-old Manning will be paid $2.2 million for the remainder of the playoffs, which, the meat manufacturer, distributor, and marketer hopes, includes the Super Bowl.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

5th Anniversary: Where is it now? Miracle on the Hudson plane back in service, operating domestic routes

Recent passenger sitting in seat A22 reported "swelled, crinkled" SkyMall clearly aboard Miracle flight. "It was frustrating, most of the pages for the cool pet products were stuck together--unreadable."

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Despite the digital age, Chip Kelly is committed to the VCR

The Chichen Itza-shaped pyramid of video home system (VHS) tapes piled in Chip Kelly's office make it difficult to spot the first-year NFL coach rewinding, pausing, and fast-forwarding one of said cassettes on a circa 1980s VCR. The worn down device precariously fights for space on a small tv dinner table positioned adjacent to the very cluttered main desk and spews wires that twist and turn their way to a nearby television.

Kelly, 50, is a video cassette stalwart, almost to a fault. "I'm a VHS guy," said Kelly, half yelling and flashing a smirk that suggests that, in 2014, he probably shouldn't be. The humming and whining sounds emanating from the gray box force the offensive innovator to raise the volume of his voice. "I realize they're on the way out--actually are out--but it's all I know. I'm comfortable with tapes. I'm a master at adjusting the tracking to improve the picture on the television. There's no tracking with digital...that makes me uncomfortable."

The New Hampshire native beams when asked about the previously mentioned VCR in the center of the room. It is a top-loading relic purchased in a Portsmouth, N.H., electronics shop in 1987 with money borrowed from a friend. "It has the original motor. I had one VCR expert tell me a couple weeks ago that it has played, rewound, or fast-forwarded nearly 300,000 miles of magnetic tape. It's my little engine that could."

Friday, January 3, 2014

Report: Lehigh Univ. president gave hints of departure: driving on left side of road, asking friends to 'high tea,' using 'mental'

Bethlehem, PA--Alice P. Gast is stepping down as president of Lehigh University, a position she has held since 2006, and moving into the top role at Imperial College London. Lehigh students and faculty claim the lead administrator began leaving hints of her departure weeks ago. "Last week, out of the clear blue, she began speaking in a British accent during a brief phone conversation," said one longtime faculty member. "It caught me off guard but now it makes perfect sense." Friends say that Gast began consuming and stockpiling "absurd" amounts of tea, referred to dinner as "high tea," and peppered meetings with the term "mental." There have also been reports that the president has been spotted driving on the left side of the road in and around the mountainside University. However, the clearest indication that the president was lining up a move to the other side of the Atlantic came with the installation of twenty-five bright red phone booths all over campus in early December.