Saturday, August 31, 2013

Rookie NFL coach: Chip Kelly spotted in Center City knife shop right around roster cuts deadline

League sends letter informing first-year head coach that players don't actually need to be physically cut from roster. Kelly first reported he was at the specialty knife shop to purchase a gift for a friend, then later admitted to "perhaps, not fully understanding the proper procedure to reduce an NFL roster." The store owner, who personally attended to Kelly, said the coach picked up a large knife and asked, "Could I cut a roster with this?" The salesman laughed uncomfortably, but assumed the coach was joking.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

U.S. Open: Double known number of Bryan Brothers spotted at NYC party not result of too much alcohol

"We got sloppy," said one brother. "We got damn sloppy," added another brother.
New York--Bob Bryan and Mike Bryan are the twin brothers that make up the famous Bryan Brothers men's doubles tennis dynamic duo. The brothers have captured more doubles titles than any other pair before them and took home all the precious metal hardware from the four major titles over the past year. 

This after just over two years ago, the United States Tennis Association closed an investigation that looked to uncover the "actual number of Bryan brothers." The two-month, intense investigation did not yield the result the USTA had clearly expected. 

"For several years, it was believed that there were actually three or four brothers, that they were triplets or quadruplets, and, during breaks in long or short matches, would substitute for each other in order to keep fresh and systematically wear down opponents," said USTA official, Margaret Hargrove. 

However, the USTA was "generally satisfied" that the Bryan Brothers were only twins after the in-house inquiry turned up nothing. On Saturday, at a party celebrating the start of this week's U.S. Open at a posh Manhattan penthouse, two more brothers than usual were spotted preparing to pull a "party switch." 

"We are fairly certain that the brothers blew their cover while trying for a substitution at a Park Avenue gathering," said Hargrove. "Bill and Mack, now officially the other half of the Bryan quadruplets, were frustrated that Bob and Mike were not only getting all the tennis glory, but were also reveling in all the partying as well. Bob and Mike agreed to let Bill and Mack mingle among the guests for 'about thirty minutes.'" 

It was during this switch that one intoxicated partygoer stumbled upon the group and took a quick snapshot. The brothers were caught off guard but posed for the camera, then tried to convince the swaying, slurring photographer that the "extra two brothers were a result of all the wine." Immediate efforts by the Bryans to obtain the camera were unsuccessful. 

"We got 'em," said Hargrove.  

Cabinet bursting with snack foods sad reminder of ArenaBowl party no-shows

Philadelphia--Over a week and a half later, a local man who hosted one of the nation's only six ArenaBowl parties cannot escape the constant reminder of the absolute flop that it was. "I invited, like, 40-some people and only two people showed up. One neighbor came before the game to 'see what's up,' he didn't even know a game was on. Then, another neighbor stopped in afterwards to borrow a patio chair. He didn't even ask who had won the game. So, really, I was the only one at the party while there was actual awesome indoor football being played. Not surprisingly, there was so much leftover food. What do you do with fourteen tomato pies? Every time I open the kitchen cabinet I am reminded of all those who who bailed. What am I going to do with all these snacks?" said Allen Shoemaker, proudly wearing an autographed Tony Graziani jersey. After some breathing exercises and some deep thinking--which included an audible self question and answer session--Shoemaker was almost certain that some of the snacks could be used for his inaugural U.S. Open women's final/men's doubles final party on September 8th. "The Oreos, goldfish and Cheez-its were never opened, thank God, so they should be good for my tennis extravaganza. It's gonna be a, an ace."

Friday, August 23, 2013

NBC10, meteorologist emphatically deny bow tie used as message to fellow meteorologist

"Meteorologist Sheena Parveen wearing a bow tie during ads and broadcasts was not meant to send a message to chief meteorologist Glenn Schwartz," said one NBC10 station manager. "It was meant to be fun and light-hearted. This whole thing has been blown way, way out of proportion. The bow tie is Glenn's thing, I clearly get that now. We are all just sick over this and hope things can return to normal as quickly as possible."

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

No witnesses: Police believe car on Schuylkill River Boardwalk part of 'very elaborate' university prank

Philadelphia--Early this morning, an overturned car was discovered on top of the concrete I-beams that make up part of the skeletal structure of a nearly 2,000 ft-long bicycle and pedestrian walkway under construction off the east bank of the Schuylkill River just north of the South Street Bridge. "I'm usually the first one on the site in the morning and I looked out onto the boardwalk and I just shook my head in disbelief. I really thought I was losing it," said Carl MacNearny, a project manager with Grambling & Sons, the construction company tackling the unique Schuylkill Banks Boardwalk project. "I was like how in the world did a car get out there. I really did check my pulse." Investigators report that there is absolutely no sign of impact marks on the concrete beams and that the automobile's location along the quickly-progressing multi-use path is too far from the South Street Bridge to indicate an automobile crash of any kind. "We are nearly certain that the car was disassembled at a remote location and then reassembled during the overnight hours on the walkway by a team of individuals...perhaps a very large team," said Detective Dan Schultz of the Philadelphia Police Department. "It's quite remarkable that nobody saw a thing." Schultz confirmed that a t-shirt sporting the logo of a local university's engineering program was found floating in the murky waters about fifty yards downstream from the position of the car, and that the incident could be a university or fraternity prank. Large crowds have gathered to view the car, which will be removed by tomorrow morning.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

ArenaBowl XXVI: Mayors' bet: Losing mayor must publicly confess that he had no clue city even had arena football team

Orlando, FL--When local newspapers contacted Mayor Greg Stanton of Phoenix and Mayor Michael Nutter of Philadelphia inquiring about the friendly wager between the two cities for the upcoming ArenaBowl XXVI, each provided the news outlets with identical terse answers: "What the hell are you talking about?" The heads of two major American cities at the centers of large metropolitan areas were baffled about any bet, or, for that matter, any championship indoor football game between the Arizona Rattlers and the Philadelphia Soul. "They're playing football indoors these days? Yeah, good one. I'll have some of whatever you're drinking," said Mayor Stanton. "Next you'll tell me we have a hockey team in the desert." When the Arena Football League got involved and reached out to the uninformed Mayors to "please, make a friendly wager to help establish a foundation of legitimacy for our league" the busy men agreed (also, it was an opportunity for some publicity). Much to the chagrin of the AFL, the mayors agreed that the loser would hold an elaborate press conference, inviting media from far and wide, and publicly admit to having no clue that their home city had an arena football team. "It's a risky bet," said Mayor Nutter. "I hope the team that supposedly plays in Philadelphia beats the squad that supposedly plays in Phoenix."

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Cargo jet crash: Alabama woman hesitant to call UPS a fourth time concerning status of J.Crew order

"It's frustrating," said Sue G., of Birmingham, "UPS can't provide me with any information on my package. I just want to know if I have to reorder my items."

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Court rules New Jersey must release slogans to public that were not 'Stronger than the Storm'

The Garden State received $25 million in federal money for the marketing campaign. The government wants to know the slogans that did not make the cut. The state said "Stronger than the Store" and "Stronger than the Storn" were cut simply because they did not make much sense. "Ain't Nobody got Time for That" was reportedly among the ten final choices. "Hungrier than the Storm," "Hey, Sandy, they're called Jetties," and "Powerfuler than the Storm" were voted out early on in the selection process. Officials in Trenton said a full list of eliminated slogans will be posted on the state website by late next week.