Monday, October 24, 2011

Report: FOX begged Nowitzki to throw first 4 innings for Rangers

Network offered basketball star appearance on Bones

Above: Dallas Mavericks star Dirk Nowitzki throws the ceremonial first pitch before game three of the 2011 World Series in Arlington, TX to a sustained standing ovation. Before the 7-foot NBA all-star came off the field, FOX Sports Network officials quickly approached Nowitzki. There have been reports that the conversation centered around a large cash offer if the power forward returned to the mound and pitched at least four innings for the Rangers. "It wouldn't surprise me," said one anonymous reporter about the alleged deal to have Nowitzki pitch. "FOX is desperate to boost the ratings for this year's Series. Some witnesses said one FOX exec was on his knees begging Dirk to play. They apparently offered a guest appearance on Bones." The deal breaker was Nowitzi's demand for a minor role in the series House.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Braves feeling less pressure to change name now that Thrashers are gone

Atlanta, GA--The NHL season is finally underway and there is no team more thankful than the Atlanta Braves. Huh? Say what? Before the Thrashers decided to flee to Canada this past summer, three of the four professional sports franchises in the Peach State's largest city shared something in common. No, not their futility. The Thrashers, sadly, share that in common with themselves.


What about birds? Well, three of the four teams here were bird mascots: Falcons, Hawks and Thrashers. And, the community frequently and loudly voiced their desire to complete the grand slam of bird teams in one city. The hockey team is now north of the border in sunny Winnipeg, which takes a lot of pressure off the Braves to become a feather-coated mascot.

For years, MLB's Braves and Indians, the NFL's Redskins and countless collegiate mascots have been put under, in some instances, enormous pressure to change the names of their teams out of respect for Native Americans. The Braves front office recently admitted that "they never much cared" about Native American concerns, but often lost sleep over the mounting pressure to become, perhaps, the Atlanta Emus, Atlanta Robins or, even worse, the Atlanta Swallows.

"The franchise has been the Braves since 1912 and that's a long time if you really stop and think about it and subtract 1912 from 2011," said Dennis Bilash, a former infielder and current Braves ticket salesman. "Now that the Thrashers are gone, we don't have to change our name. I think we were about to become the Atlanta Barn Swallows had the Thrashers stuck around. I don't know ... maybe it would have been cool to have four bird teams."

Friday, October 14, 2011

Rival Mummer clubs unite after prostitution scandal, promise to quintuple alcohol intake on New Year's Day as a gift to parade revelers

Philadelphia--Rival Mummers clubs have come together after the recent prostitution scandal by well-known club the Downtowners to assure their fans that the "reckless and irresponsible debauchery" on 2 Street was an isolated incident. Many Mummers quietly admitted that they hope the scandal increases attendance at the annual New Year's Day parade up Broad Street, but, in an effort to guarantee bigger crowds, promise to increase their beer intake fivefold as a gift to the public. The clubs, as a sign of solidarity, also promise not to substitute 'hookers' for 'slippers' in the popular Mummer song 'Oh, Dem Golden Slippers.'

Phillies say disappointing playoff run 'has totally dampened' trip to Fiji

Fiji--The team, visiting this paradise island in the Pacific for three weeks, says the early playoff exit has made the tropical drinks here less fruity, the sun less bright, the snorkeling excursions less snorkely, the water skiiing less watery, the wet t-shirt contest judging less wet, the parasailing less dangerous, the late-night karaoke less funny and the horseback riding less clippity clop-ish. "Paradise just isn't quite paradise when you exit the playoffs in the wild-card round," said one Phillie. "But, I got a tee time in five so I gotta run."

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Cardinals seriously mulling Quint's offer to find, catch, kill stadium squirrel

St. Louis--He appeared out of nowhere, startling the Cardinals distraught front office members who had gathered late-night in an empty Busch Stadium conference room to rectify an embarrassing situation. A squirrel (yes, a squirrel) has been disrupting MLB playoff games in this city of 320,000, and the team desperately seeks to put an end to the furry critter's reign of the chalk-outlined diamond. The he is Quint, a famous shark hunter that feels he can transfer his aquatic tracking skill set to the grass and dirt of a baseball field. The team is seriously considering the shifty local's offer. "He wants $3,000 just to find him and $10,000 to catch him and kill him," said Cardinals general manager John Mozeliak. "I don't know, he's a strange guy. He's always hanging around the docks on the Mississippi River." Quint feels it's a fair price: "Good chum doesn't pay for itself, chief."