Thursday, January 31, 2008

Retractable field or stadium? Intoxicated engineers reveal

On Sunday the first Super Bowl ever to be played on a retractable field will take place in Glendale, AZ. The engineers and architects of the two year old stadium will be special guests of the city of Glendale for the championship game.

Though in the spotlight when the venue opened in 2006, the Super Bowl has put the engineering marvel back in the public eye on a grand scale.

Many from the design team appeared to celebrate the week's festivities a bit too much by showing up to a press conference a bit intoxicated. Cliven Van Linshtiln, lead engineer of University of Phoenix Stadium, revealed that he originally called for the field to remain fixed and the entire stadium to move.

"I have to admit I messed up the original plan. I did some bad math and somehow calculated it would be cheaper to have a retractable stadium rather than a retractable field," said Van Linshtiln to the media gathering.

The other designers, holding bottles of Coors Original Banquet Beer, laughed as the head engineer made his original plan public to the media. If this plan had been carried out it would have surpassed $8 billion.

"When Cliven informed us of the plan a few years ago we[design team] looked at each other incredulously," said team member, Gilkin Hoffton.

The plan was not changed until Linshtiln himself caught the mistake a week after ground had broken.

"We were all scared of the guy and didn't want to question his calculations. I mean this is Cliven Van Linshtiln for &%#$ sake," slurred Hoffton.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

NY Carrier pigeon strike blamed for Dow drop, weak economy

Most people do not realize that carrier pigeons are the driving force behind the New York and therefore the US economy. Their importance, even in this age of technology, cannot be understated.

"They make the wheels go round," said a recently retired Chairman of the Federal Reserve, who wanted to remain nameless.

Most firms on Wall Street continue to use the birds to carry messages, buy stock, carry notes, or sell stock.

"I don't trust phones or email but the birds are loyal and they know the market and they're good at flying," said UBS vice president, Stan Williams.

The feather-covered birds are looking for a 25% raise for flights across the East or Hudson Rivers. The main issue, however, is the use of Vintex, a revolutionary new paper that is 65 times lighter than normal paper. The pigeons want the new paper to be mandatory but Wall Street has balked at its absurd cost and have also accused the birds of being lazy.

"Vintex is prohibitively expensive and it only comes in white," said Jean Francis, a Forbes analyst.

Tom Wilson, who represents the pigeon union, feels the two sides will come together.

"We'll come together, they know these birds are top notch. They saw how the Dow dipped recently."

Others are not so sure. "Some regular, nasty, untrained city pigeons have crossed the strike line and have performed well," said Francis.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Bush gives State of Union Station Address

President Bush gave his seventh and final State of the Union Address to the country last night in the capital. While most expected to find Iraq, energy, the economy, or immigration among the topics covered by the President, none, surprisingly, were discussed during the lengthy speech. Instead, Bush gave a complete address describing the state of Union Station, Washington, D.C.'s major passenger rail hub.

"The train station is one of Washington's treasures and it's in a great state right now," reported Bush, about the station that was completed in 1907 and had its most recent restoration in 1988. "Trains come in, people get off, different people get on, and this continues throughout the day."

He went on to describe the arrival and departure board in the main hall of the station.

"The board lists the cities where trains are coming from and going to. Oh, and it lists the times, as well." During the final three-fourths of the address, Bush listed the cities serviced by Union Station from across the country. "You can get to Baltimore, Aberdeen, Wilmington ..."

Many members of Congress were very impressed with the speech. "This was the best of the his [State of the Union Addresses]. This is a huge national topic at the moment. A great president from long ago once said, 'As Union Station goes, so goes the United States,'" said one anonymous and very excited Senator.

Monday, January 28, 2008

George Lucas addicted to building bird houses

George Lucas has made blockbuster films from Star Wars to Dude Where's My Car 3, but recently the director has found a new challenge—constructing bird houses. Lucas discovered this new love affair while traveling through Chile two years ago.

There he spent two nights on the island of Casas de Pajaros, which translates to houses of the birds. The island is surrounded by water on all sides, unlike many peninsulas.

Lucas took a two day bird house training class from Alajandre Juan Zeta, recognized as the world's foremost expert in bird house construction. In return Lucas offered his special effects talents to the paradise by digitally adding miniature R2D2s to every tiny house.

"We wanted the birds to have the feel of living in the same house with either C3PO or R2D2," said Lucas, before a very uncomfortably polite Zeta.

Many close to Lucas are concerned that the filmmaker is spending too much time with the new found hobby.

"We're months behind on our latest film and GL doesn't seem to care," said a close friend.

Others close to Lucas compare this to his late 90's hobby of making beverage coasters, which lasted about eight months.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Super Bowl to be played outside of stadium?

The University of Phoenix Stadium (pictured), host of the Super Bowl in Glendale, AZ, on Feb 3, is the only stadium in North America with both a retractable field and roof. When the field is not in use, it slides outside, adjacent to the stadium, on enormous rails powered by several large motors to take in sunlight and whatever precipitation the hot Arizona sky will offer.

Bill Belichick, head coach of the New England Patriots, has suggested to the league that the Super Bowl be played on the field while positioned outside of the stadium.

"My team does not like the spotlight and I feel this would take some of the attention off of them," grumbled Belichick. "I love the fans but an outdoor game would be great."

The decision to hold the game outside of the stadium will not affect ticket sales to the most popular sporting event in America.

"If we do decide to play the game outside, we will show the game on the giant TV's inside the stadium for the fans," said NFL Director of Fan Relations, Tom Fizell.

Fizell also hinted that the only reason the request is being considered by the league is because the Patriots are undefeated.

The decision will also affect the number of songs that half-time show performer Tom Petty will sing. If the game is held outdoors, Petty will entertain the crowd intermittently throughout the game from where the 50 yard line would have been.

Some have suggested a compromise, having the first quarter played outside then move the field inside for the final three quarters. Another idea had the entire game being played on a moving field, the first in sporting history. The game would begin inside then move back and forth for the remainder of the game.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Eli Manning:'Bye week? What're you talkin' about bye week?'

New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning refuses to believe that his team has a bye week before the Super Bowl to be played in Glendale, AZ on Feb. 3.

"There's no bye week once you get to the playoffs. I'm ready for the Patriots. This is another one of their head games," said the obviously frustrated Manning.

Pressure appears to be growing on the young quarterback as he goes up against arguably the best football team in history. Even when teammates tried to convince Manning of the correct date, he simply smiled feeling he was the victim of a team-wide joke.

"Eli will probably not realize the game isn't until Feb. 3 until he enters an empty stadium this Sunday," said Giants head coach Tom Coughlin.

The younger Manning is so convinced this is a "Patriot Game" that Giants officials will allow him to prepare as if the game is Jan 27.

"We'll let him find out for himself," said a Giants rep.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Ellio's Pizza endorses McCain

Officials at Ellio's Pizza have finally decided which presidential candidate they would endorse after much speculation by both the public and political worlds. John McCain was notified by the company earlier today, sending the Senator's camp into a frenzy.

"McCain just seems like a good fit for Ellio's Pizza, which, by the way, now comes in 12-packs," said Ellio's rep Frank Gibbs.

The company has always been known to stay away from political endorsements but was unable to do so after Papa John's backed John Edwards.

McCain, donned in an Ellio's shirt, addressed the excited crowd, while eating the popular rectangular pizza.

"McCain-Ellio's has a heck of a ring to it, doesn't it? Look how square it is," shouted McCain.

The supporters enjoyed free pizza while taking in what this partnership means to the race for Washington. McCain hinted that perhaps the company would print his name on the pizza boxes.

When a supporter displayed a box of the pizza, McCain yelled,"They are good. Wow, they are good!"

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Minnesotans:'If we didn't have a dome, we'd be the coldest in NFL.'

Minnesotans and Vikings fans from across the state stormed the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome yesterday after growing tired of claims from neighboring Wisconsin that Green Bay is the coldest place in the NFL. "If we didn't have a dome we'd be the 'Frozen Tundra' of the NFL. It's not fair," said Jim Honderson of Bloomington, MN. Fans of the team have sat in relative comfort since 1982, needing little more than a turtle neck, dungarees and Birkenstocks. "I want to be snowed on or try to take a sip of my beer and it be frozen." Police quickly controlled the angry crowd, who attempted to remove the dome, with promises of hot chocolate and hot cocoa.
All of the publicity that Green Bay received over the weekend, for hosting the second coldest game in NFL history, finally hit a nerve with this great state of 10,000 lakes(and still counting). The Vikings haven't played an outdoor home game since 1981, in Metropolitan Stadium, but that may change with the home advantage the Packers displayed on Sunday. "Did you see how scared the Giants were? They could have won the game in regulation but that cold forced the game into overtime," exclaimed Harry Munderson of Mall of America, MN. Munderson had four fingers removed (pictured) ,due to frostbite, after taking in a 1976 Vikings playoff game. A friend of Munderson's made a football tee from the fingers as a gift.

Friday, January 18, 2008

IAAF rules that amputee runner can compete but without prosthetics

Earlier this week the IAAF ruled that double amputee South African sprinter Oscar Pistorius was ineligible to compete in the 2008 Summer Olympics because of his prosthetic running blades. Officials concluded that the blades gave an unfair advantage to the runner requiring less energy to run than able-bodied athletes. Yesterday the IAAF changed their ruling stating that Pistorius would be permitted to compete but without prosthetics. "We feel we made a hasty decision and we wanted to correct our mistake. We welcome Mr. Pistorius," said Milten Harrison, IAAF Representative.
The sprinter seemed genuinely excited but said he would not make his final decision for several weeks. "I wanted to compete in the hurdle event which makes this much tougher now."

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

City places tight, white T-shirt on Willam Penn statue for Amer. Idol episode

American Idol began its seventh season last night when it aired auditions from its summer 2007 visit to South Philadelphia. As with early season episodes of the past, the show was dedicated mostly to the untalented singers of the Delaware Valley and beyond. To honor the airing of the "Philadelphia Episode", the city decided to don its founder, William Penn, in an under-sized white t-shirt atop City Hall. Simon Cowell, the show's most critical and insightful judge, has made the fashion his trademark. "We used one of Andy Reid's old t-shirts from before he lost all the weight," said City Hall manager of Statue Decorating, Paul Coronski. The city has placed oversized sports jerseys on the statue in the past, when area pro teams have reached the championship rounds of their respective sports. The 30 ft statue will display the shirt until all Delaware Valley contestants are eliminated from the competition.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Report:Minnesota bridge collapse was for episode of Punk'd

More than five months after the deadly bridge collapse in Minneapolis, MN, investigators have discovered that the incident was a prank by the MTV hidden-camera show Punk'd.

Until last night experts believed the failure of the bridge was a result of faulty engineering or simply the old age of the structure.

"We were attempting to Punk Adrian Pederson, running back of the Vikings. We thought that putting a scare into the rookie as he crossed the bridge would be hilarious TV. We only really thought one or two people would get seriously hurt," said an MTV representative.

The show basically turned itself in when they decided to air the episode last night, revealing all the preparation behind the stunt, which included several small explosive devices.

"We could not resist airing the piece. Adrian's face was so funny when the bridge gave out," said the representative.

The episode cost the station over $200 million but that number will likely rise.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Romo:"Yes, I would play for Los Cabos if they get a franchise."

Tony Romo, quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys, made headlines last week when, during the team's bye week, he took a trip to Los Cabos, Mexico with his celebrity girlfriend Jessica Simpson. Many felt that the quarterback should have found a comfortable seat in the film room during this time to break down footage of possible opponents. "If I had to do it over again I would have used a number 30 sunscreen instead of a 15," said Romo confidently after his less than stellar performance in yesterday's loss to the New York Giants, 21-17. The loss ended a great season for the Cowboys, tying a team record for wins at 13. Romo went on to say that he would not have thrown the late interception if the score had been 21-18. "If we were within three points, we could have attempted a field goal," said Romo.
During the post game news conference Romo answered several questions regarding the game but then would only discuss his trip to Mexico. Instead of talking about the Giants pass rush he discussed the Aztec pyramids and his Montezuma's Revenge that forced him to miss the first two plays of the second half. So captured with the country to the south, that Romo was asked if he would ever play there if they were ever awarded a franchise. "Yes, I would play for Los Cabos if they get a franchise." Romo and his star power may have what it takes to land the NFL's first international franchise. "If we ever did expand to Mexico it probably would have been Mexico City, but this changes a lot," said NFL Rep, Gary Norman.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Pats required to wear training parachutes vs Jags

On Saturday night the Jacksonville Jaguars square off against the unbeaten New England Patriots in Foxboro, MA. in a second round playoff match-up. The league and the television networks want the game to be a competitive match and therefore asked the Jags to request one rule change the Patriots must adhere to make the game closer. After many ideas were rejected, both the NFL and the Jags finally agreed that every Patriots player must wear a training parachute during the game. "It's going to look like friggin' D-Day out there on Saturday night," said league rep Gary Francis.
Rules that the Jaguars presented but that were ultimately rejected included: No cleats, only socks or flip flops; Giselle must line up in the back field once every four downs; stadium lights will go dark just after Brady releases a pass; Brady can pass but it cannot be a spiral; during Pats drives the play clock will be letters, counting down from Z to A; SkyCam must be positioned two feet in front of Brady's face during the entire game and Jags coaches may use SkyCam to knock down Brady's passes.
Notes: The announcement of the parachute only decreased the spread by one point.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

GAP to launch new clothing size

GAP Inc, the San Francisco-based clothing company, issued a statement that sent stock prices soaring yesterday. The company will be the first on the planet to offer clothing in the size of extra-medium.

Company officials would not define the new size, making it unclear whether it comes smaller or larger than regular medium.

"We really can't get into what the actual size of extra-medium will be, but what we can get into is how excited we here at GAP are about the new size," said Jessica Gilmore, GAP Representative of Product Lines.

GAP feels that its customers deserve the new size. "We have a very loyal customer base and, because we live in such a global economy, we need to also think local but at the same time not forget our globalality," said Gilmore.

The company has a full patent on the new size, but Congress may nullify the exclusive right to the size based on a "quality of life" issue. Many in Congress feel that everyone on the planet should have access to the new extra-medium size.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Nutter vows change...

...will be accepted, especially pennies and nickels, wherever change is currently not accepted or where merchants give you a weird look if you attempt to use change.

Monday, January 7, 2008

NBA to hold outdoor game in Chicago next Feb.

The recent success of the NHL's outdoor game in Buffalo, NY, got the attention of the NBA. The hockey game between the Penguins and Sabres drew rave reviews, high ratings, and over 70,000 fans.

"Why can't we do the same? We are a much more popular league than the NHL ,so the results should be at least equal or greater," said NBA official, Pat Wiser.

The league has decided to hold an outdoor game next February around Valentine's Day at Chicago's Soldier Field between the Bulls and Lakers. When asked why the game would not be played during a warmer weather month Wiser responded,"You saw what the wind and snow did for the ratings in Buffalo last week?"

Players will not be permitted to wear anything more than their official team uniform of shorts and tank top jerseys.

"It'll be &%#*ing cold," said the Lakers Kobe Bryant. "I played a summer league game there once with the wind so strong that one of my three-point shots ended up in my own basket."

The wind is expected to be the biggest factor, reducing the scoring by at least 40 percent. However, snow could change the game entirely, as a hardwood court will be placed on the 50-yard line of the field. "A wet, snowy, wood court could make the game have a final score in the single digits," said Wiser. Wiser is credited with creating the wildly successful 2002 NBA game that was played on roller blades between the Knicks and Spurs.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Huckabee prefers Norris stay in character

Mike Huckabee, who won the Iowa caucus earlier this week, has a growing list of supporters. But one man who has backed the presidential hopeful for some time is celebrity Chuck Norris. Norris has accompanied Huckabee on the campaign trail and has appeared in the background in many pictures taken of the candidate. "He has really supported me and I am grateful to him and the star power that comes with him," said Huckabee.
As appreciative as Huckabee is he has recently insisted that Norris stay in character while helping to campaign. "I've discussed this with Chuck and we both agreed that our push for the presidency stands a much better chance with him as Walker Texas Ranger," said Huckabee. "He's no good to me as Chuck but as Walker...I need him to be Walker let's just leave it at that." The Huckabee camp feels that with this character behind them the public will realize how serious they are about border protection and terrorism and "kickin' some Iraqi but."
Norris admits he has slipped as of late. "The original agreement stated that I was only permitted to publicly support Mike if I stayed in character while on the trail. Recently I tried to slowly get away from Walker but Mike called me on it," said a sad yet joyous Norris.
Norris recently starred in a new political ad that was directed by Huckabee that displays his concern over protecting America's borders. In the ad Norris is water skiing on the Rio Grande River, acting like a tourist, all the while keeping a sharp eye on the southern shore.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Obama, Huckabee prevail, corn a close second

The Iowa caucus results are in and in a surprise Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee claimed victory for the Democrats and Republicans respectively. But not surprising was the strong finish by corn. Corn finished second in voting in both parties and appears to be a strong threat. "We love our corn and we showed that today," said Iowa voter, Tim Rester.
As a show of how important the crop is to the state, Iowans wrote the plant in on the ballot as a candidate. Corn prices continue to rise as the call for ethanol based fuels continues to grow. Iowans rely on the crop a bit more than the rest of the country as roads, buildings, pets, trees, cars, sports equipment and much more are made from the crop. "They may have beaten corn, but can they beat granite," said Rester referring to the upcoming New Hampshire caucus.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Froggy Carr to star in new Coors Light commercial

The Mummers group Froggy Carr will appear in a upcoming Coors Light commercial to be aired sometime in January. The company was so very impressed by the groups consumption of the beverage on New Year's Day that president Pete Coors flew in to personally make an offer to the comic group's captain earlier today.

The group alone, made up of 650 members, accounted for 62% of all Coors Light sold in the Northeast over the holiday.

"What can I say, Froggy Carr likes Coors Light," said Mummer, Franky Cavanaugh.

Asked when the commercial would be filmed, a company spokesman hinted that all film footage for the ad was taken yesterday.

"We lucked out," said the rep, "we had an advertising rep at the parade on vacation who used his video camera to capture the group in action." The rep called then emailed the video to the marketing supervisors.

One scene that producers wanted to add digitally to the commercial had a Froggy Carr member drinking Coors from the end of a parasol as if the handle and stem were filled with the beer.

"We didn't have to add that because it actually happened during the strutting." said the Coors rep. "We still may digitally add the Twins."

The ad will run in the Northeast, and, if successful, will perhaps air during the Super Bowl.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Weather forces Mummers into subway tunnel

The inclement weather this morning did not affect the starting time of the 2008 Mummers Parade in Philadelphia. For weeks the plan called for the parade to move underground in the case of rain or snow. The marchers strutted their way beneath the street in the Broad Street subway line from South Philly to City Hall. "Septa was very cooperative and gracious and stopped the trains until the weather finally broke," said Dave Santino, Captain of the Rittenhouse Ragers Brigade.
Mummers danced and played music in the tunnel while onlookers gathered along the tracks at numerous subway stations. Septa still charged customers entering the station even though there would be no travels. Combustion engines are prohibited from entering the subway thus preventing any of the Mummers support vehicles from following. "It was a bit weird being in the tunnel and pounding beers. We all kept tripping on the rails and ties," said Mummer Dan Fulton, of Pennsport. One fan put a scare into the Oil Refinery Brigade by blowing a massive train horn and sending its members into a mad scramble. By late morning the rain stopped and Mummers and revelers moved to the surface.