Monday, February 25, 2008
Report: Hillary Clinton using Zod, Ursa, Non to influence superdelegates
If neither Barrack Obama or Hillary Clinton capture the 2,025 delegates needed to win the Democratic presidential nomination, than the decision of who will represent the Party falls to the superdelegates.
With this in mind, reports have surfaced that candidate Clinton is in communication with General Zod, Ursa, and Non to "help make the superdelagates see things more clearly." Clinton denies the reports stating that she has never met any of the threesome, but added she respects their non-profit work.
The often-silent Non called a press conference yesterday to dispel the rumors, but somehow managed to leave the gathered media feeling even further confused. However, Non may have been addressing the rumor that he was recently named the new spokesman Rosetta Stone. (We think.)
A neighbor of a suburban Chicago superdelegate witnessed Zod delivering a box of oatmeal raisin cookies to the house next door. "I couldn't hear the conversation, but he left still holding the box, then threw the delegate's BMW into Lake Michigan, which is over 50 miles away," said a very frightened and anonymous neighbor, attempting to debunk the rumors.
The validity of the car throwing is being questioned by many considering the trio's recent involvement in the "Seat Belts Save Lives" Campaign in the Greater Chicago Area.
Some coworkers, however, believe superdelegates may be cashing in on their position to perhaps decide the name on the Democratic ticket. "[The delegate] arrives everyday at work with no car and there is no way she would ever take public transit or carpool. I know Ursa flies her to work," said a colleague of a superdelegate, outright accusing her of accepting benefits from the three antagonists.
In a related story, Obama has denied hiring the services of the Wonder Twins for similar purposes. "Please, I have never met the Twins, nor have I seen their hit cartoon show," said a visibly upset Obama.