Monday, February 27, 2012

The Jeremy Lin Movie: Skarsgård joins cast as 'inspiring Harvard professor'

The film is due in theaters in late April
New York--Swedish-born actor Stellan Skarsgård who has appeared in countless Hollywood films over his long career, has officially signed on to the cast of the Jeremy Lin movie due out in mid spring. Skarsgård will play Dr. Devlin Eklund, a Harvard English professor that, according to questionable sources, convinced Lin to join the basketball team after seeing the prolific student throw a piece of paper into a trash bin from the back of a classroom. "It will be a lot like my role in Good Will Hunting," explained Skarsgård, referring to the 1997 Matt Damon film. "Instead of M.I.T., I'm now at Harvard dealing with letters instead of numbers, and I see this kid, one of my students, make an amazing 'shot' into the waste paper basket. Right then and there I know this kid will go to the NBA someday." Skarsgård is joining Robin Williams, who signed last week to play Lin's mentor, and Ben Affleck, who will play Jeremy Lin. Lin has disassociated himself from the project saying, "That's not at all how the story went down." Legal issues may force multiple changes to the film: Jeramee Lynn, Haverford College (PA), New York Nicks, and, possibly, A.B.A. instead of N.B.A.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Entire Deadliest Catch 'studio' audience missing after rough storm

Rescuers preparing to call search off.
Dutch Harbor, Alaska--Filming was well underway for the new season of the Discovery Channel's hit reality show Deadliest Catch when tragedy abruptly struck. For the upcoming season--the eighth--the network decided to add a live audience to "change things up." On Thursday, a nasty storm in the Bering Sea capsized the barge carrying the audience and no bodies have been found. "Though the show is not filmed in a studio we still referred to the audience as our studio audience," said executive producer of the show Gregory Callahan, wiping away tears. "I'm sick to my stomach about the whole thing. Having an audience out on open water was my idea ... I'm just sick about it." The show purchased a new barge and a local nautical company retrofitted it with bleachers to hold 350 audience members. The "Bleacher Barge" was towed by a large tug boat that followed one designated crabbing boat for a week. When asked where the audience was expected to sleep Callahan explained that not all the details had been worked out yet.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Couples running on same treadmill: adorable or dangerous?

New York--Doctors and fitness experts are at odds over the latest (peculiar?) fitness trend which is becoming increasingly more popular across the country: couples running together on the same treadmill. Is this practice adorable or dangerous? "I'd like to say it's adorably dangerous," said Dr. Benton Thomas of New York University. "It's great to see couples becoming active together, but treadmills can be dangerous even for one person. I recommend purchasing a second treadmill and place them side by side." It is believed that the trend started in the Big Apple within the last year and is now common from Boston to Seattle. "Sure, we've had some horrible accidents at our gym with couples on treadmills, but it gets people active again who would otherwise be on the couch eating cheese curls. Plus, our membership numbers are up," said Hank Belgrade, the owner of Dumb Belles Gym in Lower Manhattan.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Former New York Giant donates Toomer to Mutter Museum

Philadelphia--Amani Toomer, the former N.F.L. wide receiver who played for the New York Giants from 1996-2008, ignoring the heated rivalry between the northeast's two largest cities, made a very generous donation to Philadelphia's Mutter Museum last week.

"They'd been after me for years to donate and, being in a good mood after watching my Giants Super Bowl victory, I decided to donate," said Toomer. "I was reluctant at first, but I did it."

No, the donation was not in the form of a giant check or a stack of cash, as the California native has no real connection to the area, the famous museum or its staff. The museum, oddly enough (or maybe not so oddly enough), was after something altogether different.

The Mutter Museum is part of the College of Physicians and has become widely known, even beyond the medical field, for housing a vast collection of, as the New York Times describes it, "medical oddities that delight, frighten, elate and scare the senses simultaneously."

Actually, the donation has been in the crosshairs of the museum since the player came into the league in 1996.

Why? Well, one of the prize pieces of the Mutter Museum collection is the tumor of President Grover Cleveland (pictured below) and the staff has been desperately looking to add a signature piece as a headline, visitor-attracting neighbor: enter Amani's Toomer. The Michigan alum's Toomer (jersey) will be labeled and placed in a jar of formaldehyde, like Cleveland's tumor, to be preserved for generations to come.
"We really desired a contemporary athlete's medical oddity as a unique addition to the museum's extensive and exhaustive collection. We secured Brett Favre's ego last year--when he passes on--and now we have Amani's Toomer," said the museum's director of promotions Michael Bontini, smiling from ear to ear. "Even before I came onto the scene here four years ago the College had contacted Amani on a number of occasions about his Toomer."

"Wow, I think they contacted me as early as 1996 about handing over Toomer and I was like 'who is this and how did you get this number?' I had never even been to the museum. But they came up to meet with me, almost by force (he laughs), a couple times early on, I learned a lot about the College of Physicians, but I just didn't feel comfortable doing it at the time," said Amani. "They contacted me each year since and, finally, Gladys [Trembower, the director] and her persistence paid off. I was ready to hand over Toomer."

Part of the donation deal clearly outlines that the museum is sole owner of Toomer, and from this point on Amani Toomer will simply be known as Amani. "That's why this was such a difficult decision for me, I was just handing over my last name to a random, but flat out wacky museum in Philadelphia. But, I'm doing it because I love their mission and it kind of gets my name out there. Plus, did I mention that it is just a flat out wacky museum?"

The staff has made it clear that they are looking to attract more New Yorkers to visit the museum, and the addtion of Amani's Toomer combined with the Super Bowl victory may be the exact recipe needed.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Pipeline company customer appreciation dinner has tough act to follow at Lucas Oil Stadium

"No, our customer appreciation dinner will not be the spectacle that the Super Bowl is, but we'll sure as hell try," said Robert Grapple, assistant CEO of EJP & Sensus, a pipeline specialists company who reserved Lucas Oil Stadium, this year's site of the Super Bowl in Indianapolis, for a company event nearly two weeks after the big game. "Did I mention we sell all kinds of piping. Go ahead, name any kind of pipe or pipeline or piping. I guarantee we sell it and I'll double guarantee that we'll install it. Pipe originated in Mesopotamia in ... well, it was certainly very early on. Pipe carries water and all sorts of other kinds of liquids. Pipe comes from the Latin word pipetus, which, roughly translated, means pipe."