Friday, August 31, 2007

Division title may mean playoffs

After yesterday's thriller matinee between the Mets and Phillies the home team Phils found itself only two games out of first place. The Phillies feel that if they can win the Eastern Division title this year it will give them a good chance to make the playoffs.

"We're pushing hard to win the East because that would possibly get us into the postseason," said Phils center fielder, Aaron Rowand.

Chase Utley echoed his feelings,"I just hope winning the division gets us a chance at playing in October."

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Anderson admits not knowing baseline rules

Marlon Anderson, of the New York Mets, whose 9th inning run-in with Phil's second baseman Tadahito Iguchi ended last night's tight game, admitted that baseline rules were not clear to him.

"My bad,my bad, I not only thought that the entire infield was included in the baselines, but I also thought that tackling was legal in the 9th inning."

Anderson was the player two years ago who, while on first base, attempted to steal 3rd by running a straight line over the pitchers mound. At the time, Anderson said he had forgotten about second, but now it is very clear that Anderson struggles with baseline rules.

"I knew we had a problem when he would take a lead off the base toward the bag he just came from instead of the bag he was headed toward," a dejected Mets manager, Willie Randolph said.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Bouncer thought all residents very generous

Portland,Oregon-Blake Jarvon recently moved to the Portland area to pursue a career in ID-analization, or bouncing. The area is known for it's bouncing academies and highly competitive bouncing internships.

Jarvon began working at the Skinny Wheel Bar on 3rd and Duck Streets over two weeks ago. Upon checking ID after ID Jarvon felt great about his decision to move cross-country to pursue his dream. Why? Every ID he scoped was,as he thought, an 'Oregon' donor.

"Every card that I looked at had Oregon printed at the top. It's just a great thing that all of the residents here are Oregon donors," said a teary-eyed Jarvon, wearing a PowerAid headband.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Scooter rider has one giant calf

Scootering over twelve miles to and from work will get one in shape. Using the same leg on the trek, however, will get one misshapen. Harold Byner, of the Manayunk section of Philadelphia, was only interested in getting to work as quickly as possible, never thinking of the consequences.

"Being right-footed that's what I used...everyday," said Byner.

The calf of Byner's right leg grew to over twenty-five inches in circumference over the course of thirteen months, the time spent at his current job. Byner admitted that he was unaware of the disparity in calf sizes because,"I never really look at my calves."

But others do, as it took an intervention of friends, family and a few coworkers for him to realize the hideous leg.

"It was an emotional gathering, things were said, hugs given out and lots of calves were compared." The meeting lasted over nine hours, three hours more than anticipated.

Team owners start a band

Sources in the local music scene have reported that the owners of the four major professional sports teams in Philadelphia have started a band. Jeffrey Lurie of the Eagles, David Montgomery of the Phillies, and Ed Snider of both the Flyers and Sixers have, over the past several months, formed a musical group and have performed publicly at least once. Public relations for each of the teams would neither confirm nor deny the allegations.

One patron of Higgin's Bar, at 20th St. and Harrisburg Ave, witnessed the three men playing rock music on the bar's main stage. "I have to admit, they rocked the house. I wouldn't normally admit that, but I'm admitting it now."

Lurie played a two-in-one electric/acoustic guitar, Snider beat the drums and Montgomery played the electric sitar and harmonica according to the witness.

What sparked this endeavor you may ask? Most believe that the arrival and huge popularity of Jon Bon Jovi as the owner of the Philadelphia Soul, the Arena Football League team, and mega-rock star caused major jealousy among the other owners in the city.

"Some can argue that Bon Jovi is bigger than the entire Arena League, the other owners can't say that about their respective leagues. He is hounded daily for autographs and speaks 23 different languages," explained Don McGeehan, lead music professor at the University of Pennsylvania.

The patron from the night of the performance also recalled,though he was not sure, one of the band members mumbled,"take that Bon Jovi," at the end of the set. And the name of the band...Bon Voyage.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Home run ball gets tossed back by shrub

The ritual started in Chicago's Wrigley Field and has occasionally made an appearance at other stadiums around the league. The visiting team hits a home run, a fan catches the ball, hesitates—because they are rare to catch— pressure from fellow fans rise, then tosses the ball back onto the field. The ritual has caught on,rather quickly, in Philadelphia within the past several years.

Last night at Citizens Bank Park, a game the Phillies were embarrassed 14-3 by San Diego, a new participant emerged in the practice. In the top half of the 5th Adrian Gonzalez homered to deep center field on the back end of back to back homers by the Padres.

Unlike the Milton Bradley homer, which landed in the seats and found its way back to the field, Gonzalez's landed in the shrub-covered area beyond the center field wall. Swallowed by a small bush.

Seconds later, with a dejected crowd looking on, the ball was projected out of the bush and back to the field. This was not a case of trickery or magic, but one pissed off shrub. The crowd roared into a frenzy and began to chant "shrub, shrub, shrub."

A shaken shrub, which lost two branches, said, "They were playing horribly and I was upset. And the Phillies pay someone else to do the pruning."

Friday, August 24, 2007

"G" in G lodge causes controversy on set

Northern Chester County, just outside Phoenixville,Pa, has been home to the set of M. Night Shyamalan's most recent thriller,"The Happening." For the past three days The G Lodge restaurant on route 23 has been transformed into Filbert's, a fictional setting for Shyamalan's thriller. Small crowds have been gathering along Valley Forge Road to take in the action.

Filming had been progressing smoothly through this morning, but hit a snag shortly after 10am. It was at this point that the star of the movie, Mark Wahlberg, found out the real name of the restaurant and was curious as to what the "G" stood for.

Production assistant, Carley Codee said,"At first he was simply curious as to what the letter meant. Then he gradually, over the course of the next hour, became obsessed."

The owner of the diner, who appears briefly as a cook in the film, was not on the set for today's shoot and could not be reached. Area residents who had gathered nearby,most probably for a glimpse of Wahlberg, embarrassingly admitted to not knowing the meaning of the "G."

Wahlberg, who briefly attempted to continue with the filming, eventually retreated to his Actor's tent refusing to work until the meaning of the letter became clear.

"We decided to cancel the rest of today's shooting schedule and pick up's ah...very hot out...very humid...out," said director Shyamalan.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Sweet Scrabble tiles

The World Championship of Scrabble is heating up. Players are competing to be crowned the best scrabble player in the world. But the 2007 tourney has a different...taste.

The scrabble governing body, USGB, recently released information that had not been made available to the professionals or the general public. The info has revolutionized the 2007 tournament both negatively and positively.

Scrabble Inc. decided to make the blank tile edible for this years tournament.

"The fact is that the tile has always been edible, but this is the first year we went public with it," said John Dibbs, CEO Chair of Scrabble.

Players have reported the tile being so tasty that deciding to eat or use the tile is often difficult.

"It's hard to explain the taste. Like Doritos, ice cream, chicken salad, and steak all in one, but also more than that," said Sarah Commstom, last years scrabble runner-up.

While the blank tile is digestible, the letter tiles act as mints, but are not digestible.

"It really has made this years tournament a memorable one. You see a possible word, but then you ask yourself 'Does my breath stink or am I slightly hungry?'" explained Sky Frommerson, last years last-place finisher which made him this year's official tile polisher.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Trotter Release

Jeremiah Trotter, middle linebacker for the Philadelphia Eagles, will release his much anticipated first country album tomorrow. Trotter, a huge country music fan, has been working on the album for the past six months.

"It's something I've always wanted to do ever since I was a child in Texas," said the smiling Trotter.

Columbia Records is the producer and label and announced it would negotiate with itunes depending on the success of the album in stores.

Trotter and his band, The Stop the Runs, performed at halftime of the Eagles-Patriots Superbowl in Jacksonville,Fl in February 2005. The performance was a national hit, spurred by the fact that he was wearing his grass-stained uniform while strumming the guitar and belting out the touching lyrics.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Area escalotors rated nation's sloggishiest

Your changing floors at the department store and you lean on the hand rail to take a rest noticing that ever so gradually your hand is getting further and further away from you, either ahead or behind.

Sloggish is the new term that the National Escalator Safety Board has given to this phenomenon. When the hand rail moves faster or slower than the escalator steps.

Some rails in the area moved so fast that riders found their bodies almost parallel to the steps.

"It's a problem that needs addressing, but I still think Baltimore has the sloggishiest escalators," said Lou Ruby Phillips, head of the Philadelphia Escalator,Elevator,Steps,and Fireman's Pole Safety Board.

Philadelphia leads the nation in sloggishiest escalators, but the top ten included some surprises: 2.Baltimore, MD 3.Erie,PA 4.New Philadelphia, MS 5.Escalador, NM 6.Seattle, WA 7.Baltimore, MD 8.Miami, FL 9.Erie, PA 10.Queens, NY.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Curb your dog means... curb your dog

The signs appear throughout Philadelphia and seem to have been sprouting like spring flowers-Curb Your Dog. We all know the meaning, right? So dog owners especially know the meaning...or do they.

A recent poll conducted by Cooper-Sinclair suggests that the phrase may not be as widely understood as most thought.

Sammy S. of West Mt. Airy recently explained,"I don't have a dog, but I think it means for the owner to walk the dog on the curb only." Well, that may be, if your dog competed in the Olympics on the balance beam.

"I've been a dog owner for 15 years. It's means taking an old piece of curb and using it to threaten your dog when it has done something wrong. I have a very well behaved dog," said Debbie Gaglioni of South Philadelphia. I'm sure you do Debbie.

Our favorite response came from Patty O'Neal 57, born in Ireland and moved to Roxbourogh at 17. "Me thought it meant for the owner to watch the dog's carb intake, y'know with all the plants and all."

It was our favorite response because Mr. O'Neal is exactly right. Over twenty thousand of our fury friends are lost to unintentional carb intake. The phrase started in Ireland, hence the reason for the Gaelic spelling(and pronunciation). Please watch your dogs carb intake.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Algonquin dipping sauce?

An archaeological dig in western Montgomery County,Pa has revealed some interesting facts about the local Native American tribes-both Lenape and Delaware. At 10:30am on Thursday morning a young graduate assistant from the University of Pennsylvania, using a soft brush and pick ax, uncovered a small brown object about two inches in length.

"I looked and couldn't believe my eyes," said Ryan Crowley, the assistant. "It was a Chicken McNugget."

There was no difference in the chicken piece found and the pieces served today. The popular McDonald's food was given a radiocarbon dating test that placed it over 400 years old. A cave was also discovered in the area that had wall paintings depicting Native Americans dipping the chicken into small clay bowls.

"It was really like a dipping sauce. At that time the sauces may have been mostly mashed corn, beans, wild berries, or honey mustard,"said Sarah Jones, lead archaeologist of the dig.

When asked what she thought of the discovery she replied,"Ba da ba ba ba, I'm lovin' it." The magnitude of the discovery cannot be stressed enough. Following a major study at UPenn, the McNuggent will commence a 15 city, four week tour across the country.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Oden consults Otis

Before Greg Oden came along to bear the brunt of so many age jokes from late night television to the Sunday comics, Otis Nixon paved the way. Nixon, a Major League Baseball player from 1983 to 1999, endured the wrath of the public and the media concerning his aged complexion.

In his first year in the league he was nicknamed "Grand Pappy Nixon" by the New York Post. He was often asked,"Do you regret enlisting in the Army to serve in WWI and missing two years of playing time?" Nixon often laughed at the jokes directed his way and claimed they had no psychological effects.

"I think on some level they bothered me very slightly," said Nixon. "Which is why I want to reach out to the young man in that northwest city."

The young man is Oden and the city is Portland. Nixon feels that he can train Oden not to be affected by the media's iron fist.

"I opened up a clinic that deals with this kind of thing and builds a wall that the jokes simply bounce off of."

Oden decided to meet and has been all smiles since. The two have logged many hours insulting each other about how old they appear and then use Nixon's methods to prevent and ease the pain.

"I call the award winning exercise HUBBER-Hand Up, Block, Breathe, Exhale, Relax," explained Nixon.

A teary-eyed Oden said,"It just means so much to me that he's been there to get my back like this." The two briefly embraced. "I mean, when someone asked me what it was like to have my grandchildren at the NBA draft with me I was upset, angry. Now I put my hand up, block the comment, breathe in, exhale by letting the air out, then relaxing."

Wings, Soul, Kixx, Barrage-the new big 4?

Watch out big four-Eagles, Phillies, Flyers, Sixers,-there is a new dirty dozen, minus eight, that has stormed the Philadelphia sports world. Though three of these four "non-major" sports teams have been around for sometime, their recent popularity has soared.

The Kixx are coming off a championship season and the hard work seems to be paying off. Tomorrow the indoor soccer team will announce an exclusive television deal with CBS. That is, CBS will televise only games involving the Kixx, no other teams in the league. The deal was reported to be worth an estimated $2 billion dollars over four years.

"Only a few years ago we were desperate for fan attendance, now we have a 10 year waiting list for season tickets," said Joshua Jasper, Cheif Executive Chair of the team.

The Wings, the indoor lacrosse team, have been on the Phladelphia sports scene for almost 20 years. Last year they passed the Flyers in total attendance for 2006-07.

"Give-aways can help," said Milly Vance,Team Rep,"Especially when you tape $100 bills to the bottom of every seat...every game." The Wings are by far the most successful of the "non-majors", winning an astounding six championships.

The outdoor version of the Wings, the Barrage, are relatively new to the scene, but were the surprise local story last year by winning the championship (pictured above). They drew over two million fans last year alone. The success, on the field, came so quickly that the team is in negotiations for exclusive TV rights with both NBC(home games) and ABC(road games). The state has awarded the franchise a $700 Million grant to build a 70,000 seat retractable stadium at the coveted Navy Yard complex.

"We don't want the Barrage to go anywhere for a long, long time," said Governor Rendell.

Finally, the Soul may be the most popular of them all. The indoor football team made the playoffs for the second straight year in 2007. The team is so popular that the NFL recently invited them to join them outdoors, possibly making a home at Lincoln Financial Field with the Eagles. When playing the Soul other NFL teams will have to play by the Arena League rules.

"We think Philadelphia could support one and a half NFL franchises," said NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell.

Notes: The Barrage stated that they would not share their new stadium with the Soul if they decide to join the NFL.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Travel: Kennett Square,Chester County,Pa

Among the rolling hills and quaint farms found in this southeastern Pennsylvania county is the charm of Kennett Square. And I promise you this: you won't have to pay extra for the charm. The pace of neighboring U.S. Highway Route 1 may be fast and furious, but the borough slows down and takes its time, luring you in to study the details of pacifying architecture and savory agriculture.

Upon opening my car door, and before the sole of my shoe hits the pavement, I am smacked with the smell of manure ... all kinds of manure. Why does the unholy smell descend on the town like mustard gas? Because, as many know or may not know, southern Chester County is the mushroom capital of the world.

Originally named Keith's Circle by the Delaware Indians, the name changed when Walter Kennett Square invented the mushroom in a laboratory in the town's center in 1793. Using beakers, bunsen burners, test tubes, and goggles, a strange plant was born.

A letter written the same year by Square to a friend in England explains: "Ye tried the combination that we talked about on the fortnight. What resulted was a grand plant capable of imbibing and to be grown in dark, damp settings. I have become somewhat of a minor celebrity here because of it. T'is a bloody grand fungus indeed. Your friend in the Colonies, Walter."

The letter also revealed that Square was a loyalist, as he referred to America as "the Colonies," seventeen years after the Declaration of Independence was signed.

A trip to the town is not complete without a visit to the National Mushroom Museum ($135-children,$155-adults, 1 Fungus Blvd. Trust me it's worth the price).

Learn how the fungus is grown and harvest your own in minutes. Children will be entertained in "Mushroom Land," a virtual tour that takes you inside a mushroom.

Before my trip, I thought there were many different kinds of mushrooms, but I learned there is only one variety. So the museum was a bit repetitive, but highly enjoyable. Make sure to visit the display that retells the story of how Kennett Square, and not nearby Avondale (a rival mushroom town just down the road) became the greatest mushroom town on earth.

After the museum, make your way to the business district where numerous restaurants serve up the plant in a variety of ways. If you you've seen enough of the mushroom retreat to outside the town's borders, as Kennett Square laws prevent the borough's eateries from serving anything else.

Gettin' There: Flights from Philadelphia Int'l to Southern Chester County Regional Airport (12 minute flight) run about $325 rt. US Airways offers the "Mushroom Flight" on Friday evenings at a special rate of $320 rt. We recommend flying from Philadelphia and renting a car at the SCCR Airport. Make sure to mention you were on the "Mushroom Flight" at the rental car counter for even more discounts.

Where to stay: Mush Rooms, 1919 Dank St. $110/night, +free all-you-can-eat mushroom buffet daily. Hot tubs are in shape of mushrooms. Room service here claims the best mushrooms in town. Ask Jimmy at the front desk to do his drunk mushroom impression. Do not mention you were on the "Mushroom Flight."

Nutter Signs Deal

Michael Nutter, the Democratic nominee for Philadelphia mayor, has inked a deal with the Nabisco Company. The deal is to promote the company's popular cookies known as Nutter Butters.

Nutter will begin next month to film three television commercials that will air in the Philadelphia area during the November elections. Plots of the commercials have been top secret, but one has Nutter eating the cookie on his way out of the polls when he looks up at the camera and says,"I just voted for Nutter...(he takes several steps and turns to the camera again) Butter."

In addition to the TV commercials all Nutter Butter packaging sold in the area will feature Nutter shaking hands with a giant cookie. Those same packages will include trading cards picturing the soon-to-be-mayor perfoming mayorial duties. Collecting all the cards and assembling them together will form a 3-D poster of Nutter golfing, but using a cookie as the ball.

Hot dog stand at slightly different location

Stan Malanc, a hot dog vendor in the city of Philadelphia for over forty-two years, has continuously worked the same corner at 17th and Arch St. Yesterday Malanc set up his cart as he has every day, nothing different.

The lunch crowd poured out of the surrounding skyscrapers, at around 11:30am, as they usually do. Sarah Stampy, a regular customer for several years, was the first to notice.

"As I approaced the cart I could tell that something was off. I buy here every Wednesday, so I know."

Stampy was referring to where the cart was set up. She usually arrives with the line four or five people deep and notices that she is even with the urine stain on the sidewalk.

"I mentioned how he set up a few feet from his normal spot and he got upset." Malanc declined to be interviewed, but many customers also noticed the slightly different location.

I-95 to have bicycle lanes installed

As most of us who use I-95 in the Delaware Valley know, it can be a congestion nightmare. PennDot and PhilDot have teamed up to introduce project: 'Powerphul Pedals' which plans to ease the superhighway's traffic woes.

The Center City portion of the highway, between Girard Avenue to the north and Washington Avenue to the south, will feature bicycle lanes starting in November of this year.

"We're excited, they're excited, the whole thing is exciting," said Dave Ropensen, Head Poet Laureate for PennDot.

The plan calls for a total of 4 bicycle-only lanes, two each going north and south. The lanes will not occupy the shoulders of the highway, as originally planned, but will be placed between the vehicular traffic lanes.

"The idea is to keep the shoulders open for automobiles experiencing mechanical difficulties or for police activity," explained Joanne Develvet, intern engineer at PhilDot.

Cyclists will access the lanes by using the existing auto on-ramps then crossing up to four lanes of traffic. In some places I-95 is twelve lanes wide. If a cyclist wants to access the highway where no on-ramp exists, strategically placed ladders will be installed to allow the rider to ascend or descend to the road surface from a side street.

"A rider can climb up the ladder, while holding the bike, and over the sound wall and down the other side. We wanted maximum access for bikers," said Helton Moore, head of the non-profit 'Bikers Without Borders.'

The Philadelphia Bicycle Coalition called the plan "momentous in a time when there are not a lot of momentous things." Local riders were thrilled about the idea. "I'm beaming as it'll allow me to traverse the city north-south faster than ever," said Sarah McSmith of Olde City.

Philadelphia, which has one of the strongest bicycle cultures in the nation, hinted that the Schuylkill Expressway could be bicycle-friendly by 2012 if Project Powerphul Pedals is successful.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Hamels popularity in coal region fades

Cole Hamels, the left handed pitcher for the Philadelphia Phillies, was a bit of a mega-celebrity in eastern Pennsylvania's coal region for the past several months. That was until yesterday. The fact that this all star pitcher had the same name as the fossil fuel that drove this region's economy for so many years sent locals into a frenzy that began in Pottsville,Pa(Pictured above). The town held parades, painted murals, and planned for a statue all to honor the pitcher from, of all places, Southern California.

The fever spread to the rest of eastern Pennsylvania's coal region almost overnight. But yesterday, Jimmy O'Reilly, 12, of Scutter St., brought a Hamels baseball card to one of the many parades held in Hamels honor.

Arriving at the parade O'Really had tears in his eyes when he handed over the card to the master of ceremonies, Connor Macadoo. After looking at the card, his eyes welling up, he haulted the ceremony.

A stunned crowd, that had filled Main St, listened intently. "I regret to inform you all, here in Pottsville and across the great Pennsylvania coal region, that Cole Hamels spells his name C-O-L-E."

There were many frowns and a handful of citizens who fainted at the revelation. The party was over.
–In an unrelated story Cole Hamels' favorite fossil fuel is no longer coal.

Dog Racing track included in Amer. Revolution Center Deal at Valley Forge

Sometimes it pays to read the fine print in an agreement. This is what officials of Lower Providence Township are thinking this morning after a deal was reached in the wee hours last night to construct the American Revolution Center on the north side of Valley Forge Park(north side of the Schuylkill River).

What officials did not read was that the deal allowed for a 200 acre dog racing track adjacent to the museum. "It was late and we were all so tired and there were only a few pages left to review in the 200 page document, but the ARC representatives assured us there was nothing important or any surprises on those pages, we were all just so darn tired," said a gloomy Tom Atwater, vice chairman of the chair commitee of Lower Providence. "There's virtually nothing we can do now about the track, as we all signed the agreement."

The ARC reps were glowing after the meeting some even taunting the township officials by pointing and saying,"gotchya." "This was a huge victory for the ARC. We will have the museum, conference center, hotel, 2 small commercial spaces, and now the dog track, the centerpiece of the deal," announced an excited Steve Mensher, ARC property chair.

Mensher admitted that he urged the proposal writers to "put the bit about the dog track all the way in the back of the document."

Shelly Hoppell, another ARC rep, hinted that George Washington would have loved dog racing if the sport had existed at the time.

Many township residents opposed both the hotel and conference center, but were outraged by the track. "I am shocked and appalled that the ARC would do such a thing to our grand park, but I will be frequenting the track," said Jim Saylorville, of Audubon Ave in Audubon.

The ground breaking ceremony will be October 7 for the track. ARC Reps stated that the track should be constructed first in the case that funding problems arise. "This way the track is up and running and if the other buildings in the plan never make it then it's no big deal," Mensher added.

Phils announce latest give-away: The Dickie Thong

Today the Philadelphia Phillies announced that they will add one more promotional give-away during the month of September. The promotion will be the "The Dickie Thong" by Coors Light in honor of the Phillies shortstop, Dickie Thon, a good player on bad teams, from 1989 to 1991.

The Phils have wanted to honor those terrible teams of the late 80's and early 90's( and 70's, 60's, and so on) and felt this was perfect. All women eighteen years and over will receive a red "The Dickie Thong" complete with the Phils logo on the front and a picture of Thon on the back.

"We really are excited about this as we hope it becomes an annual give-away with varying styles and colors," said a Coors executive, who commented only on condition of anonymity. "Eventually we would like to do this in all the cities that Thon played in."

Thon was not consulted at any time during the planning of this promotion.

"I think I e-mailed him once about it, but I think it was an old address or something or it went to his 'junk-mail' folder and I never heard from him," said a Phils executive who also urged we conceal his or her identity.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Lieber to finally meet with Gore

Al Gore will finally meet with Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Jon Leiber to discuss the player's monster truck (pictured at left). Gore had pressured Lieber to meet back in April when the truck first appeared in the public eye.

"Since being injured I've just had a lot more time to think about the situation and it's a bitch to parallel park," Lieber answered when asked why he finally agreed to meet.

Gore believes that the truck, which produces 21 gagillion pounds of pollution/hour, is the single source of Global Warming. Leiber, at first, declined to meet with Gore calling the accusations comical. World leaders then began to urge the pitcher to meet with the former Vice President and almost-President.

The Prime Minister of Australia, John Howard, expressed his deep concern over the situation. "We need Jon to sit down and talk with Al to bring light to the severity of the situation," he said in a funny Australian accent. He also noted that he knows very little about baseball, America's pastime.

Gore claims that the green house gas emissions from Jon's vehicle is almost three times that of the entire United States. "It's a grave situation. But the entire planet should be excited that we have finally identified the cause of our environmental problems and that Jon is willing to work with us," a happy Gore told the audience.

The goal of the meeting is to get the truck off the streets and into the garage...Permanently!... On a sidenote Gore told the audience to look for 'An Inconvenient Truth II: Take THAT Global Warming' in theaters in June of next year.

Bloom to wear boots

Jeremy Bloom, the second-year player for the Philadelphia Eagles, told reporters last night that he will wear ski boots during Friday's preseason game against the Carolina Panthers.

Bloom competed in the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City in the freestyle skiing events. "I'm just more comfortable in my ski boots," admitted Bloom before a handful of reporters.

Bloom contemplated wearing skis in addition to the boots, but the NFL stepped in to thwart the idea. "He can wear the boots,but the skis would give him too much of an advantage," said a hesitant Roger Goodell.

Bloom has had success in both sports throughout his career. "Football and skiing are a lot alike. The only really big difference is that skiing does not have first-downs or field goals," explained Bloom. He was the only athlete in Winter Olympic history to carry a football while competing.

The former Colorado Buffalo missed the entire 2006 season because of a hamstring injury and also injured his big toe in last nights game against the Ravens. Both the training staff and the return man feel the ski boots will help stabilize the muscle and toe.

"Plus, they'll help me get first-downs because whenever you wear ski boots you have to lean forward."