Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Report:Ahmadinejad would have defected if chosen to host Price is Right

Few knew that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was a finalist for host of The Price is Right to replace Bob Barker. The controversial Iranian leader is a huge fan of the show and had inquired about the position weeks before his visit to the UN last month in New York. So serious was the leader that he had fully prepared to defect while in New York if he received word that the position was his. "We on our go to JFK Airport to return to Tehran and I had still no heard back from producers of dee show. I tell dee driver to slow it down mister and to take dee Belt Parkway at rush hour to buy we some time," said the saddened President in his broken English. The leader was late enough for his flight that he had to be paged over the airport's public address system urging him to check-in at the nearest Persian Airways kiosk. "I never heard notting from dem. Notting."
Apparently the Iranian leader is obsessed with the show and frequently stages mock shows where he plays the host. "He really gets into it. He loves to scream 'Come on down' and 'Let's see the next item up for bid,'"said one Al Queda member who was forced to sit-in as an audience member during the fake show. Sources report that he has continued the mock shows in hopes of starting an Iranian version-if the rights can be purchased.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Leaf Zapper newest gadget for leaf removal

The Leaf Zapper 4,000 is the latest and most popular new gadget for cleaning up your yard's leaf blanket. The Zapper uses a small laser and a radar system to track and destroy the leaves before they even reach the ground. The Zapper, which mounts on the side of a house under a rain gutter, sends out a continuous radar signal. When a leaf falls from the tree it registers on the Zapper's computer giving it an exact location. At this time the laser locks in on the leaf, very similar to a missle locking in on a target, and fires destroying it before coming into contact with your yard. The LZ4000 is made by the Kensington, Philadelphia company LeafTech a subsidiary of SnowTech which is owned and operated by YardTech. Surprisingly the LZ4000 is only 35 payments of $9.95 and it includes a set of steak knives. The knives will cut your steak but they also assist when having neighborhood laser light shows acting as reflective surfaces when placed partially in the ground. "We don't recommend the light shows, but they can be awful neat," said Zapper salesman Scott Short.
Caution:Please stay indoors during leaf-falling season. Season varies from region to region.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Window store owner tires of joke

Gail Dana Townsend owns You're a such Pane in my Window her window store on the corner of 24th St and Jade St in Philadelphia. She has ran the shop for over 20 years first with her late husband and now with her kids. For the same 20 years she has heard the joke "We're just window shopping" countless times from countless customers. "I'm done with it," she said, "I've heard the joke for the last time. I'm closing the shop." Yesterday Townsend snapped at a very friendly customer and joker who simply thought it was the first time that she had heard it. One Townsend son witnessed the altercation,"Mom yelled at the man to get out of the store then began smashing most of the windows in the store." After finally calming down she had finally decided that was enough and as she left the store she turned, smiled and said,"It's actually a clever joke."

Friday, November 23, 2007

Johnson, three other defensive coaches faint while watching film of Pats offense

Eagles' defensive coordinator Jim Johnson and three other defensive coaches collapsed yesterday while watching film of the New England Patriots offfense operate. The four coaches were fine and treated at the Eagles Nova Care Practice facility in South Philadelphia. Doctors called the incident "fainting from terror." Doctor Jim Sorum said,"The four coaches were working in the film room late last night viewing a Patriots drive from earlier in the year when all fainted in their chairs." One of the coach's pants was ripe with the odor of urine which Doctor Sorum said has happened to several defensive coaches that the Patriots have faced this season.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Tryptophan causes family to miss ending of Jets/Cowboys game

The Grant family of Mt Laurel,NJ had painfully watched almost the entire match-up between the New York Jets and the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day only to miss out on one of the most believable endings ever. The family sat around the dining room table feasting on the lavish holiday dinner at 3:30PM and by 4:30 had adjourned to the TV room to watch the remaining three quarters of the Dallas-New York game. "The halftime score was 21-3 Dallas," said Bill Grant the father. By the end of the third quarter Susan,12, had very heavy eyelids when the score reached 24-3. The tryptophan had seized control of the family by the start of the 4th quarter and all three were fast asleep. The final score was Dallas 34, New York 3. "The last play I remember was Joey Harrington throwing an incomplete pass and then I was out, we all really wanted to see the ending," said Melissa Grant the mother.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

At 4'11" Rollins smallest MVP ever

Jimmy Rollins who stands 4' 9" was voted yesterday as the National League's Most Valuable Player. With the announcement came the news that Rollins is the smallest player ever to win the award in either league. The 4' 5" Rollins was beaming yesterday when he learned the results of the Baseball Writers of Association voting. One writer called Rollins "the most exciting shortstop in the game." Not only is he the MVP but the 4'2" Rollins also captured a Gold Glove award this year. "It's been a phenomenal year for the 3'10" player," said Dodgers' Manager Joe Torre.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

New Hess Toy Truck runs on gas

Hess has begun promoting this year's new holiday monster truck that will require gasoline for operation. The truck will get about 2 feet per teaspoon of gas.

"We wanted to have a toy that uses fuel to sell more of our product at the pumps," said Hess director of marketing, Frank Daniels.

When parents visit Hess stations to fill up this holiday season there will be a special "kiddy pump" where children can refuel their Hess toy trucks. To use the "kiddy pumps" children must be at least one year old.

The Trucks are radio controlled and have a range of 100 yards but have to be refueled often. One fill up produces about ten minutes of operating time.

"We considered using batteries but then it would not be using fossil fuels. We want to cash in on oil while it's still around," said Daniels.

One child loved the toy,"I love it and gasoline smells weird on my hands but I love my new truck. I use it to carry around reece's pieces. I named it trucky trucky."

Monday, November 19, 2007

Dolphins refuse to play game because of nets

The Miami Dolphins were in town yesterday to play the Eagles at Lincoln Financial Field for a 1pm game. However, after pregame warm-ups the Dolphins' front office decided that the nets behind the field goals were not "Dolphin-safe." Several Miami officials examined the nets that prevent balls from entering the seating area for several hours before the game. "We ran some tests with some of the players. Rolling them up in the net and then timing how long it took them to get out. Hands down the nets were not Dolphin-safe," said John Tipton,a Dolphins official. The squares that make up the netting are three inches by three inches making it impossible for the players to pass safely through the netting.

Jayson Taylor(pictured)was very upset,"every stadium in the league has Dolphin-safe nets. It's just very upsetting. It's 2007, get with the program. The Eagles should be embarrassed and should be penalized draft picks."
The Eagles assured the Dolphins that the nets would be replaced with a Dolphin friendly net and that the game would be rescheduled for tonight. "The cancellation obviously upset our fans but we wanted to do what was right and good and the commissioner backed me up on this. We're the greenest team in the league," said Eagles owner, Jeffrey Lurie.

Friday, November 16, 2007

More and more cats being sent to Catskills for training

The Catskill Mountains in lower New York state have always been known as a resort area luring hundreds of thousands to its breathtaking scenery year round. However, the area is marketing itself to a new breed of vacationers: People who want to vacation but who also want to see their house cats learn new tricks.

Many incorrectly break the word Catskill into two parts at the wrong place. Cats Kill- this may be true for rodents and insects but cats overall are loving animals.

The word should be separated into Cat Skill-a Native American word meaning the skill of a cat. Cats were a vital part of Native American life, so much so that tribes through out the northeast sent their cats to be trained in new skills by its famous cat trainers.

From the Algonquins to the Mohicans, having skilled cats meant survival but more importantly meant great entertainment.

The Greater Catskill Visitors and Cat Training Assoc. want the tradition of training cats brought back to the region.

"One can comfortably sit by a cool lake knowing full well that their cats are in good hands and being trained in the latest and hippest cat skills by our expert staff," said Judy Lamport, director of the association.

The association also believes that it can lure tourists away from Oregon's Felinetalent Mountains which has successfully catered to cat owners for decades.

Recently hired ship captain left hovercraft pilot experience off resume

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Chilean 'quake was actually a soccer riot

The 7.7-magnitude earthquake measured by the Global Seismic Association yesterday actually turned out to be a 7.7-magnitude soccer riot. Buildings and bridges toppled and over 100 people were injured with 2 casualties reported.

The Chilean national soccer team lost a very crucial and close match to arch rival Peru yesterday, 2-1, in overtime, eliminating the team and setting off a riot like no other.

"We are going to burn down the Andes," screamed one rioter referring to the mountain chain that dominates the country's landscape.

The super-hyped crowd pushed over a 20 story building, carried it through the streets and dumped it in the River Guanardo. Then the rioters,forming a long line, dug their bare hands into a paved road and created a two foot wide crack(pictured) in the asphalt simply by pushing and pulling.

As GSA officials surveyed the damage they became convinced it was caused by a large-scale earthquake.

"The fires, the giant cracks in the ground, the apartment buildings leveled, there was no doubt it was an earthquake...then we saw the mob," said GSA director Gabriel Domingo.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Phila Police threaten to use Battleship New Jersey to fight crime

Philadelphia Police Commissioner Sylvester Johnson was very clear in his message to the criminals of the city:"We are fully prepared to use the Battleship New Jersey to battle crime in this city." The decommissioned battleship is now a floating museum on the Camden waterfront, but can be reactivated for police work in a short time for only several million dollars. The most decorated American battleship was extremely accurate when firing on targets winning hundreds of the Navy's "Bull's Eye Medals."
When first docking on the Delaware River in 1999 the ship was used to disrupt the drug trade on Camden's streets. The ship's massive 16 inch guns were used to destroy many of the drug houses that littered the city's neighborhoods. "The houses were empty, but we knew there were lots of drugs and weapons in the home. The gun would turn and fire, boom, there would be nothing left. It was hilarious," said officer Brad Muster. And effective.
Philadelphia has similar plans for the ship if crime continues to increase. Pennsylvania law allows for battleships to target many types of suspected crime activity:"Battleships are permitted to combat drug and violent crime. They may also be used as a form of death penalty. However, they may not be used to curb jay walking." Being that the firing range of the guns aboard the ship are 23 miles, many suburban Pennsylvania and New Jersey towns have inquired about fighting crime with the USS New Jersey.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Seeing Double? Plans only called for one tower

Though the twin towers known as One and Two Commerce Square are 15 and 20 years old respectively a major breakthrough with respect to the project's cost has been uncovered. The now defunct Schuylkill River Realty Corporation, the builder of Commerce Square, was never able to determine why the project finished double the estimated cost. The project proved so costly that it ruined the 75 year old SRRC who was forced into bankrupcy in 1993 one year after the completion of Two Commerce Square. The original plans turned up at a garage sale that a former SRRC employee had visited.
The plans and the permits revealed that only one tower was suppose to be constructed at Commerce Square instead of the two now standing. "I really screwed up. I always wondered why the project was so far over budget. I kept doing the math. It has comsumed my life," said Ken Willer, project manger at the time. An assistant to Willer reportedly left a photocopy of the original plans on his desk, thinking it was a new set of plans Willer ordered the second tower to be built. "I should have called to double check, but I decided to make the decision and it turned out to burn me and the company. It's really crappy." The assistant claimed to have placed a Post-it on the copy that said "copy." However, Post-its were relatively new at that time and did not stick as well as they do today.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

New drug allows players to see yellow line

New York, NY--The NFL has a new drug problem on their hands: Yellow-uana. This revolutionary drug allows players to see television's yellow first down line, one that only viewers at home are able to see. This drug has gone undetected for years, but became known to officials during an interview slip up.

After last week's game, running back Jim Taylorsville was describing a late fourth quarter effort to reach a first down: "I was able to make the catch and was hit immediately, but I could see the the yellow line was only a yard away...I mean...I only needed one more yard. Shit."

An investigation was launched the next day that revealed hundreds of players were involved in the use of Yellow-uana. The yellow line has appeared on telecasts since 1998, but officials have no idea how long the drug has been around.

"There really is no telling how far back this started. It could have been 1998, we don't know," said one NFL spokesperson. Yellow-uana, a pill and a liquid, has been added to the list of banned substances by the league.

Though the investigation is in its early stages and most players are not fully cooperating, officials have gathered some information. Several wide receivers and running backs have admitted that a tainted dose can cause a player to see several yellow lines on the field at one time.

One running back, who commented only on condition of anonymity, recounted a nightmare game: "It was wacky. I saw at least 20 yellow lines every time I touched the ball. I was freaking out. If [the officials] said I was short of the first down, I couldn't argue because there was always a yellow line ahead of where I was tackled."

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Rhode Island looks to surpass Delaware by 2010

Currently the state of Rhode Island is recognized as the country's smallest, in land area, behind the the First State of Delaware. Rhode Island is currently listed at 1,045 square miles while Delaware entails 1,954 square miles. "We're only 909 behind. I mean...c'mon. That's just a little over 900," said Carl Smith, a resident of Pawtucket, RI. Ten years ago the Ocean State established a committee that would focus on strategies to surpass Delaware and end years of humiliation. The billions of dollars invested in the project has apparently paid off because Rhode Island is expected to pass Delaware in land area by 2010. "I really can't believe that it's happening. No more jokes or quips or anything," said Director of Project Un-tiny, Heidi Martinez.
Some experts have said that having the "smallest state" label has boosted the Rhode Island economy exponentially. "Everyone remembers the biggest and the smallest. It's a great way to market your state...people will remember," said Stephie Sinclair of Center City Marketing Inc. Rhode Island officials turned their nose to this theory, but Delaware has welcomed it. "We established a committee years ago to see if we could slide into the 50th slot," said Frank Johnson, leader of Project Tiny. T-shirts with "Nobody remembers number 49" written on the front have sold out of Wilmington, DE stores.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Small tear in Lazy Boy perfect for small wrappers

Jesse Denigan will outright admit to using the small tear in his friend's Lazy Boy upholstery as a trash bin. "Oh, I definitely use it as a small trash can." The two-inch tear located on the right armrest is perfect for placing small candy wrappers. "There must be over 100 Heshey Kiss wrappers in there. They're easy to roll up and shove in," said Denigan. One will find almost every candy wrapper, the size of the palm of your hand or smaller, in the Lazy Boy. Denigan admitted that if m&m's came individually wrapped they would be perfect for stuffing in the chair. "After a night of several beers I was able to get the wrapper from a 4-pack Reese's Peanut Butter Cup down the rip." Denigan's friend reportedly has no knowledge of the "Chair-ash Can."

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Nutter votes for the guy that ran against him

Michael Nutter, the next mayor of Philadelphia, defeated the guy that ran against him(pictured) in a landslide in yesterday's election. Knowing prior to the election that he would win easily Nutter voted for the guy that ran against him as a sign of respect. "I just thought that it was the right thing to do- voting for the guy that ran against me," said a jubilant mayor-elect Nutter.
The guy that ran against Nutter received about 17% of the vote while Nutter claimed 83%. "I support Nutter through and through and look forward to working with him to make this city great. It was a privilege to run against the guy that ran against me," said the guy that ran against Nutter.

Musharraf: "It's just that I look so good in this uniform. That's the thing."

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Brady hurts hand on Lombardi trophy

After the New England Patriots won the Super Bowl on Sunday over the Indianapolis Colts CBS's Jim Nantz handed an uncharacteristically high energy Tom Brady the Vince Lombardi Trophy. The excited quarterback grabbed the award and just as quickly dropped it. Brady cut his hand on the base of the trophy which has three extremely sharp points that resemble a pitchfork . The NFL has been concerned for years that something like this would happen.
Several years ago a few players formed a committee whose goal was to have the points "rounded off a bit." The players traveled the country showing the dangers of the award. "In the mountain streams of Wyoming I was actually able to spear fish with it," said the anonymous player. In Kansas City, Mo it was used in a meat packing plant, which needs no further description. Finally, it was attached to the front of an ice breaking ship in Lake Superior where the captain reported,"I ain't no never seen ice break like that, the ice was scared #&%less."
The rounding never happened for fear the trophy would not stand when placed on a table. "What if it wasn't able to stand up? Like one of those punching things that pops right back up, but this wouldn't pop back up," said a visibly upset Tyler Glastinopolis, rep from the NFL's Trophies division. Brady is expected to make a full recovery, but the question is: will the ice in Lake Superior?

Monday, November 5, 2007

Restaurants, sandwich shops prep for the Kolb era

Delaware Valley residents and restaurants are preparing for the Kevin Kolb(pronounced cob) era to begin at quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles. From Hoagie shops to candy stores plans to develop names for sandwiches, soups, salads and more for the rookie quarterback in the event he becomes a star have begun. "We've come up with a few zingers," said Marvin Topton, owner of The Crispy Sandwich on Mixton St. The "Corn on the Kolb" hoagie is being tested and has so far been met with rave reviews. The hoagie features two layers of turkey and cheese wrapped around an ear of corn served hot with a tangy dipping sauce. Pho 75, a Vietnamese Soup house on Washington Ave., is planning to test a soup that entails a chicken broth with an ear of corn in the center called: "I Prefer the Kolb Soup-The Soup you eat with your hands." Acme Supermarkets will introduce the Kolb Salad next month, but has remained silent on its contents.
Sally Barksdeer of the Naval Yard has tasted both,"Awesome! I had never eaten the actual cob before eating the Kolb Hoagie. Delicious!" Many chefs have hinted that if the quarterback is a hit so will the dishes, while others were hesitant. "We can't just throw anything into a sandwich and expect it to sell, but it does help if he succeeds," said Topton. One area candy maker plans on unveiling "Kolb Stoppers", a play on the candy "Gob Stoppers," for the holiday season.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Theaters experience plummet in candy sales after Halloween

Experts have studied it. The experts' assistants have studied it. College professors have studied it. Grad students have studied it. "It" is the trend of plummeting candy sales that the nation's movie theaters experience the week following Halloween. Candy sales remain relatively constant through out much of the year until the period just after the Halloween holiday. "I don't get it. Theaters see a hefty drop in sales, but the amount of candy wrappers in waste receptacles and seating area floors nearly triples," said Mike Avon, a marketing professor from Philadelphia University's School of Confection Confessions. Many of the wrappers collected and studied were selections not even offered at the lobby's food stands. This has some believing that rogue theater employees have established an underground candy market in the seating area.
Another theory that was quickly dismissed was the idea that patrons have been bringing in their own Halloween candy. "We nixed this idea quickly because all theaters have a strict "no outside food or drink inside the theater" policy," said Avon. Next week a panel will meet at MIT in Boston to discuss the next course of action in this long and exhausting study.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

NFL to award Lombardi trophy after Sunday's big game

After hours of meetings in the NFL's New York headquarters the league officially decided to award Sunday's Colts-Patriots winner the championship trophy. "Basically we have declared this game the Super Bowl, and are treating the game accordingly," said NFL rep, Garry Gom. The league has added a halftime show and also considered a neutral location which Colts officials turned down. However, Colts officials did agree to give half of the RCA Dome's tickets to the Patriots for distribution to New England fans. For the first time ever a "regular" season game conducted a Media Day and will have end zones painted for each team's colors.
A final decision will come on Wednesday on whether the league will play the remaining regular season games and the playoffs. "We're more leaning toward not playing the games, but then someone will bring up a good point which makes us think we should play the games. It's just a real crazy time right now," said Gom
Notes: The half time show will star the Bacon Brothers. They will not be singing, but acting out several scenes from Kevin's large list of hit movies.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Shooting thought to be part of Halloween costume

Residents of the 6600 block of Gregsonberg St, in Philadelphia's Gregsonberg section, thought they were being treated to a Halloween skit last night. Michael Stamp,43, of the 7100 block, was shot in the abdomen during a drug-deal-gone-bad on an adjacent street. Stamp stumbled onto Gregsonberg St around 7pm holding his stomach and blood-stained shirt when he began passing trick-or-treaters and parents. "We really thought it was part of a Halloween act," said resident Stacy Vamter. Her son, 10 year old James, had no idea how Stamp was able to get the blood to "look so real and keep pumping out of his stomach."
As Stamp struggled down the sidewalk he was met with whistles and calls of praise. Residents on nearby porches rose to a standing ovation as the man collapsed halfway down the block finally succumbing to the wound. A teary-eyed Don Gramton said afterward, "I was clapping so hard my hands hurt. At the time I thought it was one of the greatest performances I have ever seen." Stamp was pronounced dead at Rising Sun Hospital hours later. The children of the neighborhood have put all of their Halloween candy in the place where Stamp fell as a tribute. However, it appears that the children fancy twix and snickers as neither appear at the shrine.