A satirical look at the Philadelphia region and beyond.
(All stories are fabricated, with no basis on fact.)
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
No witnesses: Police believe car on Schuylkill River Boardwalk part of 'very elaborate' university prank
Philadelphia--Early this morning, an overturned car was discovered on top of the concrete I-beams that make up part of the skeletal structure of a nearly 2,000 ft-long bicycle and pedestrian walkway under construction off the east bank of the Schuylkill River just north of the South Street Bridge. "I'm usually the first one on the site in the morning and I looked out onto the boardwalk and I just shook my head in disbelief. I really thought I was losing it," said Carl MacNearny, a project manager with Grambling & Sons, the construction company tackling the unique Schuylkill Banks Boardwalk project. "I was like how in the world did a car get out there. I really did check my pulse." Investigators report that there is absolutely no sign of impact marks on the concrete beams and that the automobile's location along the quickly-progressing multi-use path is too far from the South Street Bridge to indicate an automobile crash of any kind. "We are nearly certain that the car was disassembled at a remote location and then reassembled during the overnight hours on the walkway by a team of individuals...perhaps a very large team," said Detective Dan Schultz of the Philadelphia Police Department. "It's quite remarkable that nobody saw a thing." Schultz confirmed that a t-shirt sporting the logo of a local university's engineering program was found floating in the murky waters about fifty yards downstream from the position of the car, and that the incident could be a university or fraternity prank. Large crowds have gathered to view the car, which will be removed by tomorrow morning.