Saturday, December 28, 2013

Year in Review: United Artists, Fox, NBC, MLB, PGA say no thank you to content appearing on Eagles' playcall signs

Eagles forced to pay millions of dollars to use the copyrighted material when signaling plays from the sideline. "It's well worth it," said team owner, Jeffrey Lurie. "Absolutely worth it." (United Artists claims image from Rocky on signal card gives away ending of film.)

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Family 'sort of annoyed' that soldier planned no elaborate surprise return for the holidays

"We picked him up at the airport after he sent us an email about a week ago that he was coming home for Christmas," said the soldier's father. "I mean, I'm thrilled that he's home, but, c'mon, put some effort into your arrival, man."

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Year in Review: Temple Univ. cuts 7 sports to ease relocation process of main campus to Indiana

"Yep, we're moving the University to Indiana," said Temple University president Neil D Theobald, a Midwest native and recent Hoosier resident. "We're trying to lighten the load of the move and decided to cut seven sports programs. Now, we don't have to transport all that athletic equipment. Moving is the worst." 

Friday, December 20, 2013

SEPTA restarts construction of Broad Street Trolley after state passes $2.3 billion transportation bill

Above: In August 2012, workers were rapidly laying track for the new Broad Street Trolley Line in South Philadelphia near the stadium complex. SEPTA abruptly suspended the project last year, which will run from Pattison Avenue to Fern Rock Transportation Center when complete--a distance of nearly ten miles--after failing to secure needed funding to continue construction. The financial problem was (surprisingly?) solved after Pennsylvania passed a $2.3 billion (multi-modal) transportation bill at the end of November. "The passing of that bill saved the Broad Street Trolley Line," said Jim Copperfield, managing co-director of rail expansion at SEPTA. "The new line--I don't even want to mention the total cost--will provide a second great option for transit users to negotiate the City's main north-south thoroughfare. It will complement the Broad Street Subway, which already covers the exact same route...but underground. We really needed this bill passed to resume this rail project." Work began on the line in June 2012, between Pattison Avenue and Mifflin Street, where one and a half miles of track were put in place by the end of that summer. The new trolley will effectively replace the former C Bus route, which at one time provided a surface transit option for Broad Street. Not everyone is on board with the plan: "Broad Street has the subway, it DOES NOT need a trolley--period," said PA Senator Allen Bourne. "These funds should be used to provide hourly hovercraft service along the Schuylkill River to ease congestion on the [I-76] Expressway."

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Ice sculptor never once mentioned ice sculpting to Home Depot employees when purchasing new chainsaw

"He mentioned cutting down trees and branches and cutting up old boards, but never once mentioned ice sculpting," said one store associate who happened to be in the audience at a local Winterfest ice sculpting contest where he watched in amazement as the customer carved a block of ice. "Life is always full of surprises--it really is."

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Eagles punter Donnie Jones met with former NFL linebacker Dhani Jones to discuss using air guitar celebration

Philadelphia--Two Eagles players, one past and one present, sat at a small, rectangular window table in a crowded Starbucks on Walnut Street late yesterday afternoon. The sheer size of the two swallowed the restaurant furniture giving the scene a sort of cartoonish quality. Outside the snow had tapered off to mere flurries, but inside the friendly conversation/negotiation was just getting started. "My family and I thought it was time to have a celebration for when I nail a great punt, and the air guitar just seems like a great fit for me," said first-year Eagles punter Donnie Jones. "That being said, I know Dhani's [Jones] thing was the air guitar when he played and I didn't want to just start using it without his blessing. So, I reached out to him about a week ago." Because of very different schedules, the two were unable to meet until yesterday. "I really don't know Donnie at all," said Dhani Jones, the former linebacker, sipping an espresso macchiato. "I really respect that he contacted me. I mean, he could have just started using the air guitar on his own. I wanted to meet with him face to face to see if he was worthy and prepared for the many challenges and responsibilities that come along with performing the air guitar. I'll admit my first reaction was that no way did I want a punter using my move. But, I promised I would at least meet with him...and I'm really glad I did." The two came to an agreement that the punter could use the move no more than three times per game on the conditions that Donnie take two hours of air guitar lessons a week; keep the air guitar tuned properly; and air guitar left-handed only. 

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Grinning NFL Network analyst Michael Irvin politely excuses self from set during 'tempting' Eagles-Lions highlights

Later in the broadcast, after returning from a commercial break, the former Pro Bowl receiver joked to a fellow analyst: "I couldn't sit here and watch guys clear lines in Philly." 

Saturday, December 7, 2013

All part of the plan? Temple surprisingly adds men's and women's indoor parkour day after cuts

A day after Temple University cut seven intercollegiate sports programs, board members attempted to appease the harsh critics of the move by adding two programs. This morning, university president Neil D. Theobald announced the addition of men's and women's indoor parkour, along with plans for a state-of-the-art indoor parkour facility. "Yesterday was a difficult day for the Temple community, there's no doubt about it," said a sullen president referring to the elimination of the seven athletic programs. "[Board members] knew there would be a lot of heat for making such a difficult decision. So, today, it is with great pleasure that I announce the addition of men's and women's indoor parkour teams to begin competition in the fall of 2015. We think this more than makes up for the loss of the other programs." The president also made clear that all student athletes affected by the cuts are "more than welcome to tryout for the parkour team." Also during the news conference, the university, surprisingly, unveiled elaborate renderings for a $3 million parkour facility designed by Interphase PK Studio to be constructed in a yet to be determined site on the west side of Broad Street. "I was devastated when I heard the news that rowing was cut," said sophomore rower Jessica Graham. "I am unfamiliar with parkour, but I guess it will be fun to attend those matches or games or whatever you call them. The addition of parkour definitely makes a crappy situation better." It has long been reported that Temple has been "on a mission" to get into the "very lucrative world" of collegiate parkour and the huge television revenue associated with the sport.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

NFL says Super Bowl countdown clock counting up for a reason

The League would not get into specifics, but reiterated that "the clock is counting up for a reason, just think about it for a minute."

Monday, December 2, 2013

Report: Several stores set up 'Customer Fighting Areas' (with referees) on Black Friday

"We want all the fights over the holiday season to take place in our state-of-the-art CFAs," said one store manager. "Preliminary studies show Customer Fighting Areas keep everyone safer and help stores divide select merchandise more fairly. [CFAs] help us manage fights much better." 

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Thanksgiving Nor'easter: Airport passenger stranded since Sandy tells those delayed to 'quit their whining'

"This is the second Thanksgiving I've spent in this airport," said the passenger. "This tent has been home for thirteen months; so, please, don't complain about your two-hour delay. I went from being a customer at Cinnabon to working part-time there. Now, that's a delay."

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Controversial move: Store opening on day before Thanksgiving

Many consumers called the move to open the day before Thanksgiving "appalling" and "that's just going too far." Other stores have hinted that next year they will do one better and open the day before the day before Thanksgiving (Tuesday). When will the madness end?

Thursday, November 21, 2013

China to finally provide 'real aid' to Philippines: Will put on free 'gymnastics extravaganza' for typhoon victims

Hong Kong--The nation of over one billion people was sharply criticized for not launching its state-of-the-art hospital ship soon after Typhoon Haiyan hit and devastated much of the Philippines on November 7, killing nearly 5,000. Many cited the current dispute between the two countries over territory in the South China Sea for keeping the 15,000 ton vessel in port and only pledging $200,000 in aid (while other nations--near and far--donated millions). But the media's censure of the Chinese government quickly turned to praise after the nation decided to hold a free "gymnastics extravaganza" in the hard hit city of Tacloban. "[Chinese government officials] were wrong not to get involved more with providing relief for the disaster in the Philippines," said one Chinese official in an article that appeared in yesterday's The Peoples' Paper of the People. "China will hold an outdoor free gymnastics showcase event in Tacloban to lift the spirits of the millions displaced by the mega-typhoon. Though the event is free, we would still like all attendees to register online and print a ticket and bring it with them to the site, which is still yet to be determined." Filipinos and their government were thrilled and thankful that China "was finally joining the relief effort on the appropriate scale."

Sunday, November 17, 2013

One World Trade Center ruled tallest building in country, but must add eleven feet

Chicago--Last week, the Council on Really Tall Buildings and Urban Habitat met--ironically--in the basement of a Chicago skyscraper to vote on which building is currently the tallest in the United States. The reason for the gathering (besides the free drinks and deep dish pizza): the still-under-construction gleaming One World Trade Center in New York City topped off months ago at 1,776 feet, including the 408-foot spire perched at the top. The debate and vote centered around whether or not to include the spire in the tower's overall height. If excluded, the Willis Tower, at 1,451 feet, would remain the tallest in the country, surpassing the building-only height of the 1WTC by 83 feet. The meeting lasted nearly six hours and eventually the 25-member council unanimously voted to make 1WTC king of all U.S. skyscrapers. However, there is a stipulation. One World Trade Center must add eleven feet to the spire bringing the tower to 1,787 feet. The reason behind the addition: "I'm a U.S. Constitution guy," said a smiling Brett Stevenson, chair of the Council on Really Tall Buildings and Urban Habitat. "Yeah, the Declaration of Independence is great and all. And, yes, I get the whole 1776 thing, but the Constitution is just so awesome, and it was created in 1787. I think 'We the People' is  more representative of the American vibe." Though 'extremely disappointed,' 1WTC developers will 'reluctantly comply' and add eleven feet to the top.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Tyson: I'm not making excuses, but I sincerely believe I was a victim of 'knockout game' inside Tokyo Dome in 1990

The former heavyweight champion said he was just minding his own business trying to defend his belt when he "got leveled" by "someone the world barely knew."

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Majority of Granary residents still wary entire building could be moved to Los Angeles

"I'm not stupid. I realize a Los Angles based company just purchased the building...that I JUST moved into. So, I'm not going to get too settled in to my new apartment," said one concerned Granary resident. "I'm not going to hang anything on the walls and I'll probably leave my pull-out couch and pool table in storage. My grandfather was a Brooklyn Dodgers fan, so..."

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

New 47-story tower in University City will break 'gentlemen's agreement' not to build higher than the Cira Centre

Since 2005, in Philadelphia's University City neighborhood, there has been a "gentlemen's agreement" not to build structures taller than the "real pointy top" of the twinkling, 29-story Cira Centre just north of Amtrak's 30th Street Station. The sleek glass office tower completed that same year was to stand as the "top of West Philly for generations." Well, this agreement just got tossed out the window from the 47th floor.

The FMC Tower, a new 47-story building--mostly office, with some residential, and retail--will rise at the northeast corner of 30th Street and Walnut Street and shatter the 437 ft height of the Cira Centre by more than two hundred feet. The new building should be completed by the summer of 2016 if ground is broken by mid 2014.

"You know, this is wrong," said James Caldren, a longtime resident of University City and ardent opponent of the new tower. "The height agreement won't even last ten years. At least William Penn's hat capped the city for 80-some years. Now, UPenn and Drexel will never win an NCAA championship again."

Caldren is referring to the handshake agreement not to build higher than the top of the William Penn statue atop City Hall that was negated with the construction of One Liberty Place in 1987. Many area residents believed that a curse was placed on the local professional sports teams by putting the 37-ft tall, 29-ton statue in the shadows.

Incidentally, the city's title drought lasted from 1983 until 2008, ending with the Phillies' World Series victory over Tampa Bay. Many credit the construction crews working on the rising Comcast Center--the city's tallest building--for ending the curse when, during the topping off ceremony, workers secured a miniature William Penn statue to the top of the structure in 2007.

"Oh, please relax, there will be no curse on the collegiate athletic programs of University City," said the new building's developer Harold Sweringer, of Bourbonwhiskey Real Estate. "There was never any height agreement. Mr Caldren is an active and respected community member and at the very noisy conclusion of the opening ceremonies for the Cira Centre in 2005 he stuck his hand out, so I shook it. I couldn't hear what was going on or being said."

Drexel University and the University of Pennsylvania expressed some interest in possibly placing a miniature model of the Cira Centre on top of the new tower. "I'm not a superstitious person," said one university official. "But, I would feel a lot more comfortable about our sports teams if we placed a little Cira Centre model on top of the new skyscraper."

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Sixers finally win a game: Team ends 0-0 record with impressive win over defending champs

Before the game, the team held a very embarrassing 0-0 record. "That 0-0 record was tough, but it's over now and we don't have to answer any more questions about it," said first-year Sixers coach Brett Brown.

Members burn own community garden to ground to demonstrate how proposed adjacent building could 'scorch' plants with reflected light

"We burned the entire garden to show what could possibly happen to our beautiful garden if they move forward and build that tower," said one local resident and garden member. "Look, there's nothing left."

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Website difficulties solved: 'Ummm,'s, not Our bad.'

"One day, we'll all look back on this whole health care website problem stuff and have a good hearty laugh about it," said Heath and Human Service Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. 

Saturday, October 26, 2013

No Philly Bike Cher: Actress/singer abruptly backs out of title sponsor deal for city's bike sharing program

Philadelphia--Officials at the Mayor's Office of Intra-City Movement and Energy confirmed yesterday that actress/singer/bicycle enthusiast Cher suddenly negated a signed contract to be the title sponsor for the city's bike sharing program set to debut sometime during the summer of 2014. The mega-star had agreed to pay just over $300,000 annually for five years after three "very long months" of back-and-forth negotiations concluded in late August of this past year. "The deal was done and the main point of contention during negotiations was that Cher wanted her image to appear on everything--from bike tires to bike seats to bike stations to maps, you name it. Both sides finally settled on a select few photo locations at a much reduced size," said Gary Sommersby, a city official. "Then she pulls a 180 and decides she wants her image everywhere--even bike pedals and brake pads. [The city] refused and she backed out." By breaking the contract, Cher must pay an undisclosed sum of money for two years and perform during the July 4th Welcome America Festival for three years at no cost. This would have been the California resident's first foray into the "very lucrative world" of bike sharing, as the activist has made millions from her car-sharing empire. The city claims the broken deal is "simply a bump in the road" and plans to continue the search for a title sponsor immediately. Cher did not return any of the six phone calls placed seeking comment on the situation.

Monday, October 21, 2013

2nd Ave Subway construction: Are workers using Andy Dufresne method to dispose of drilling debris? Dropping bits of rock through pants pocket on way home from job site

Rock from the new subway extension has been found on sidewalks, subway cars, subway platforms, buses, parks, and streets throughout the New York City metro area. The MTA denies this "micro scattering" of excavation debris, which, some experts believe, could save millions of dollars on the massive project. Opponents of the controversial method feel it's simply passing the buck.  

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Flyers to stick with Berube, but dismiss team's longtime Zamboni driver to 'give club a much needed spark'

Ed Snider, Comcast Spectacor chairman, assured the veteran ice resurfacer that it wasn't anything specific he did, but that a second person had to take the fall for the club's continued slow start to the season. "We can't fire another coach just yet, but someone had to be fired," said Snider. "Oh, we're definitely going to fire [Craig] Berube, but we just can't do it yet. I mean, how would that look? For God's sake, we're living in a society."

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Penn's Landing plan calls for narrow rope bridge to Camden waterfront

The massive concrete tram landings will be preserved and function as anchors for two rope bridges to connect with the New Jersey side of the Delaware River. "Just take your time when you're crossing, one step at a time," said one official. "We expect the bridge to be a main attraction at Penn's Landing." Crossing will take about an hour and thirty minutes and helmets will be included. 

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Cardinals fans loudly boo 85-year-old St Louis native Maya Angelou for attempting to leave extra-inning NLCS game early

"I made it to the 11th inning, that's all I could do," said the renowned author and poet about her early departure from the 13-inning, 3-2 Cardinals victory. The fired-up crowd also taunted actor Jon Hamm and tennis great Jimmy Connors for heading to the exits after the 10th inning. The team's owner and the mayor of St Louis each apologized to the celebrities and offered free tickets to Game 2.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Rolling the dice: King of Prussia moving forward with 70,000-seat stadium, despite Jaguars, Buccaneers 'staying put'

Upper Merion, PA--One of the last swaths of undeveloped land in asphalt-friendly King of Prussia will soon be home to a 70,000-seat football-only stadium. However, there is still no tenant. The plan is to convert the former golf course--now with a Wegman's supermarket at the east end--which sits on an island surrounded by the rapidly flowing vehicular rivers of US422, US202, the Schuylkill Expressway (76), and the Pennsylvania Turnpike (276) to a state-of-the-art football facility in order to lure an NFL team. Several teams have already turned down the offer to move in and set up shop. "I'm disappointed that the [Jacksonville] Jaguars have apparently decided to stay in northeastern Florida," said Tim Hopperman, King of Prussia's director of sports facilities. "But, the site, with its proximity to the region's major highways, is just perfect for a stadium. So, we're moving forward with construction." Local residents are not pleased with the decision, and voiced concerns during the entire 45-minute ribbon-cutting ceremony yesterday that featured Norristown, PA, native and former NFL quarterback Steve Bono and Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett. "We'll get a tenant," said a smiling Corbett about the $800 million, publicly funded football venue. "I mean, the country's second largest mall is just across the street. Who can turn that down?"

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Heavy summer rains blamed for installation delay of new heated bicycle racks

Philadelphia--HeatRack, Inc, a Phoenixville, PA, based company, makers of the StapleHeat1000 and StapleHeat1500 models of heated bicycle racks informed the city last week that installation of hundreds of these racks scheduled to begin in late September will be delayed by at least three weeks due to the wet, cool summer.

"During a storm back in August, we left a few crates of the racks out in the rain," said Howard Blake, CEO of HeatRack, which he started in February 2013. "It was totally our bad, and we're addressing the problem. I apologize to the city and all the cyclists this unfortunate situation affects, and for waiting so long to mention the delay. I was nervous about how to bring the bad news up during our weekly conference calls. We'll be installing by mid-October. I promise."

Blake went on to explain that the rain damaged some wiring and "prematurely jump started the oxidation process" on racks not yet sealed with anti-rust paint. The crates were not discovered for another two weeks and the damage was already done. The heated rack program has been controversial from the beginning, and the installation hold up has only added fuel to those opposed to the project.

In March, the City of Brotherly Love, which has the largest bicycle commute mode share among the nation's most populous cities, introduced this "revolutionary idea" with the hopes to extend the cycling season well into the frigid, snowy winter months. It will be the first city in the world to have the heated racks, made possible mostly through grants from the Human Propelled Foundation.

By late 2014, when the the program is complete, over 400 heated bicycle racks--mostly new with some existing racks to be retrofitted--will dot the miles of sidewalks in Center City with hopes to combat the annual precipitous drop in cycling numbers when the weather begins to change in November and December.

"We want people to ride all year, really, we do," said Megan Jean DeStefanini, the City's assistant to the traveling bicycle parking commissioner. "Heated bike parking will unquestionably extend the cycling season. It's very simple math."

Simple math? Okay, so how exactly will the new heated racks accomplish its intended goal? "Just the fact that they're heated will inspire folks to ride further into the winter months," said Jake Duncannon, interim assistant manager of bicycle infrastructure.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

National Constitution Center set to launch 'Monster Trucks & Apple Pie' exhibition

The exhibit, which will "seamlessly make intelligible the often-debated interconnections between oversized trucks, America's favorite dessert, and the Constitution," is expected to draw huge numbers of visitors from around the world. "We hold these trucks to be self-evident," said one smiling museum official, citing a sister document.  

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Updated renderings of Schuylkill River residential tower show 'improved landscaping, and, yeah, that's basically it'

Some opponents of the tower praised the landscaping changes, but also felt there was something else about the renderings that looked different. "Something's different, but I can't tell what. Oh well, it's probably just the beautiful landscaping," said one neighborhood resident.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Easing traffic congestion: New model plane air traffic control tower in Valley Forge Park a welcome sight

Valley Forge, PA--A $2.5 million model plane air traffic control tower--the country's first--made its debut over the weekend helping to better manage the crowded air space over the rolling green hills of Valley Forge National Historical Park. The tower has been in the works for several years now, as model plane traffic has grown rapidly in the vicinity. In 2012, Valley forge had over twenty million takeoffs and landings, up nearly eleven percent from the previous year. "On busy days, before the tower, my plane would be waiting on the grass tarmac for, like, an hour and a half before I was finally airborne," said Dave Hinksey, a radio-controlled plane enthusiast from Paoli, PA. "Now, with the tower, on busy days I'm only waiting about twenty-five minutes, sometimes only ten minutes." The new tower is indeed state-of-the-art with multiple computer screens, headphones, two-way radios, radar, email, and a snack machine--all powered with solar energy. Accessed by an exterior ladder, the control deck sits two traffic directors comfortably and can accommodate a third with a foldout seat for extremely crowded runway days. Members of the local Muhlenberg Model Plane Brigade will rotate manning the tower on weekends and busy weekdays. "The tower is just so great," said Ben Thomas-Elverson, a wide-grinned ribbon-cutter on opening day who was instrumental in bringing the tower to the park. "We now have the capabilities to conduct in-flight refueling." 

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

NFL: Several Eagles' playcall cards 'inappropirate,' will investigate

Above: Last night, in Washington DC, the Eagles used large playcall cards during a game against the Redskins that included a scene from the 2003 DreamWorks' film "Old School" showing Will Ferrell streaking, and, for some reason, a stomach-turning image of Joe Theismann's broken leg from 1985. The NFL described some of the cards as "inappropriate" and promised to "look further into the matter." The cards also included a photo of an Etch A Sketch with a detailed drawing of Nike chairman Phil Knight.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

NFL: Unused timeouts will now carry over to next game, accumulate over season

New York City--It's a rule change that the NFL has been considering for quite some time now. That is, having unused timeouts from one game carry over to the next game, and, ultimately, accumulate over the course of the entire season. "It has always seemed bizarre to me that unused timeouts just vanish into thin air like melting ice or something," said Roger Goodell, NFL commissioner, making a motion with his hands and fingers that apparently represented a T.O. vaporizing into thin air (or turning into water). "It just seems like a waste. So now, timeouts that go unused will collect during the year and will also carry over into the playoffs." It could mean, for instance, that a team declining to use any of its allotted six timeouts per game during the first fifteen contests could enter week seventeen holding ninety timeouts. This could make for one long final regular season game. There has been some speculation that the idea of carry-over timeouts came from television networks and advertisers seeking to maximize the total number of stoppages to increase opportunities to run commercials during the four quarters of play. "That's absurd," said Goodell, when asked if NBC, CBS, FOX, ESPN, or, even, the NFL Network--the five networks that broadcast NFL games--had some role in the rule change. "[The press] is really something when it comes to conspiracy theories. It's just a very simple, straightforward rule change."

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Barge ice skating rink will not return to Schuylkill Banks this winter

City officials claim the sometimes choppy river waters caused the barge to be unsteady, which made skating very difficult and dangerous at times.  

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Rookie NFL coach: Chip Kelly spotted in Center City knife shop right around roster cuts deadline

League sends letter informing first-year head coach that players don't actually need to be physically cut from roster. Kelly first reported he was at the specialty knife shop to purchase a gift for a friend, then later admitted to "perhaps, not fully understanding the proper procedure to reduce an NFL roster." The store owner, who personally attended to Kelly, said the coach picked up a large knife and asked, "Could I cut a roster with this?" The salesman laughed uncomfortably, but assumed the coach was joking.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

U.S. Open: Double known number of Bryan Brothers spotted at NYC party not result of too much alcohol

"We got sloppy," said one brother. "We got damn sloppy," added another brother.
New York--Bob Bryan and Mike Bryan are the twin brothers that make up the famous Bryan Brothers men's doubles tennis dynamic duo. The brothers have captured more doubles titles than any other pair before them and took home all the precious metal hardware from the four major titles over the past year. 

This after just over two years ago, the United States Tennis Association closed an investigation that looked to uncover the "actual number of Bryan brothers." The two-month, intense investigation did not yield the result the USTA had clearly expected. 

"For several years, it was believed that there were actually three or four brothers, that they were triplets or quadruplets, and, during breaks in long or short matches, would substitute for each other in order to keep fresh and systematically wear down opponents," said USTA official, Margaret Hargrove. 

However, the USTA was "generally satisfied" that the Bryan Brothers were only twins after the in-house inquiry turned up nothing. On Saturday, at a party celebrating the start of this week's U.S. Open at a posh Manhattan penthouse, two more brothers than usual were spotted preparing to pull a "party switch." 

"We are fairly certain that the brothers blew their cover while trying for a substitution at a Park Avenue gathering," said Hargrove. "Bill and Mack, now officially the other half of the Bryan quadruplets, were frustrated that Bob and Mike were not only getting all the tennis glory, but were also reveling in all the partying as well. Bob and Mike agreed to let Bill and Mack mingle among the guests for 'about thirty minutes.'" 

It was during this switch that one intoxicated partygoer stumbled upon the group and took a quick snapshot. The brothers were caught off guard but posed for the camera, then tried to convince the swaying, slurring photographer that the "extra two brothers were a result of all the wine." Immediate efforts by the Bryans to obtain the camera were unsuccessful. 

"We got 'em," said Hargrove.  

Cabinet bursting with snack foods sad reminder of ArenaBowl party no-shows

Philadelphia--Over a week and a half later, a local man who hosted one of the nation's only six ArenaBowl parties cannot escape the constant reminder of the absolute flop that it was. "I invited, like, 40-some people and only two people showed up. One neighbor came before the game to 'see what's up,' he didn't even know a game was on. Then, another neighbor stopped in afterwards to borrow a patio chair. He didn't even ask who had won the game. So, really, I was the only one at the party while there was actual awesome indoor football being played. Not surprisingly, there was so much leftover food. What do you do with fourteen tomato pies? Every time I open the kitchen cabinet I am reminded of all those who who bailed. What am I going to do with all these snacks?" said Allen Shoemaker, proudly wearing an autographed Tony Graziani jersey. After some breathing exercises and some deep thinking--which included an audible self question and answer session--Shoemaker was almost certain that some of the snacks could be used for his inaugural U.S. Open women's final/men's doubles final party on September 8th. "The Oreos, goldfish and Cheez-its were never opened, thank God, so they should be good for my tennis extravaganza. It's gonna be a, an ace."

Friday, August 23, 2013

NBC10, meteorologist emphatically deny bow tie used as message to fellow meteorologist

"Meteorologist Sheena Parveen wearing a bow tie during ads and broadcasts was not meant to send a message to chief meteorologist Glenn Schwartz," said one NBC10 station manager. "It was meant to be fun and light-hearted. This whole thing has been blown way, way out of proportion. The bow tie is Glenn's thing, I clearly get that now. We are all just sick over this and hope things can return to normal as quickly as possible."

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

No witnesses: Police believe car on Schuylkill River Boardwalk part of 'very elaborate' university prank

Philadelphia--Early this morning, an overturned car was discovered on top of the concrete I-beams that make up part of the skeletal structure of a nearly 2,000 ft-long bicycle and pedestrian walkway under construction off the east bank of the Schuylkill River just north of the South Street Bridge. "I'm usually the first one on the site in the morning and I looked out onto the boardwalk and I just shook my head in disbelief. I really thought I was losing it," said Carl MacNearny, a project manager with Grambling & Sons, the construction company tackling the unique Schuylkill Banks Boardwalk project. "I was like how in the world did a car get out there. I really did check my pulse." Investigators report that there is absolutely no sign of impact marks on the concrete beams and that the automobile's location along the quickly-progressing multi-use path is too far from the South Street Bridge to indicate an automobile crash of any kind. "We are nearly certain that the car was disassembled at a remote location and then reassembled during the overnight hours on the walkway by a team of individuals...perhaps a very large team," said Detective Dan Schultz of the Philadelphia Police Department. "It's quite remarkable that nobody saw a thing." Schultz confirmed that a t-shirt sporting the logo of a local university's engineering program was found floating in the murky waters about fifty yards downstream from the position of the car, and that the incident could be a university or fraternity prank. Large crowds have gathered to view the car, which will be removed by tomorrow morning.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

ArenaBowl XXVI: Mayors' bet: Losing mayor must publicly confess that he had no clue city even had arena football team

Orlando, FL--When local newspapers contacted Mayor Greg Stanton of Phoenix and Mayor Michael Nutter of Philadelphia inquiring about the friendly wager between the two cities for the upcoming ArenaBowl XXVI, each provided the news outlets with identical terse answers: "What the hell are you talking about?" The heads of two major American cities at the centers of large metropolitan areas were baffled about any bet, or, for that matter, any championship indoor football game between the Arizona Rattlers and the Philadelphia Soul. "They're playing football indoors these days? Yeah, good one. I'll have some of whatever you're drinking," said Mayor Stanton. "Next you'll tell me we have a hockey team in the desert." When the Arena Football League got involved and reached out to the uninformed Mayors to "please, make a friendly wager to help establish a foundation of legitimacy for our league" the busy men agreed (also, it was an opportunity for some publicity). Much to the chagrin of the AFL, the mayors agreed that the loser would hold an elaborate press conference, inviting media from far and wide, and publicly admit to having no clue that their home city had an arena football team. "It's a risky bet," said Mayor Nutter. "I hope the team that supposedly plays in Philadelphia beats the squad that supposedly plays in Phoenix."