Monday, December 31, 2007

Eagles still hoping for playoffs, will fly to Seattle

The Philadelphia Eagles are still hoping that the NFL will expand the number of playoff teams in the NFC from six to seven teams before next weekend.

"It hasn't been talked about or anything and we haven't brought up the idea to the league but we just thought that maybe they would do it," said a somewhat optimistic Andy Reid, head coach of the Eagles.

The league has not expressed interest in growing the playoff field and the chances that it would happen by next weekend are very small.

"Had they brought this up at a meeting like two weeks ago I would have taken it to the Board," said a just informed, Pat Leingild.

There will be a vote by the Board to determine whether the topic should go to an official vote. "This vote will determine if we will vote on it or not. The only reason we are doing this is because we like Andy and McNabb really finished the season strong," said Leingild.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Phila. man claims Stomp cast stole his trash can lids

Audience member nap a first for Stomp

The action-packed banging, gonging and pounding of the critically acclaimed show Stomp was not enough to to keep the attention of the entire audience earlier today at the Merriam Theater in Philadelphia.

The 2pm show seemed to be going very smoothly until an audience member was discovered sound asleep in the balcony section. Richard Wade is now officially recognized by the American Board of Live Theater Performances(ABLTP) as the first person ever to nap during a Stomp performance.

"We here at the Board thought that such a feat was impossible but Mr. Wade proved us all wrong," said Judith Wilson, ABLTP Associate Director.

Apparently some segments of the show gave the cast a chance to re-energize.

"I dozed off during the part with the newspapers and I'm not sure how long I was out. But I did have a dream about newspapers as I am very fond of them," said Wade.

Wade snoozed through banging oil drums doubling as giant shoes and metal chairs folding to an eardrum-shattering rhythm.

Wade appeared somewhat embarrassed at first but then took pride in the award presented to him by the cast members after the show.

"The whole cast came out and said they were so impressed with the nap and they gave me a $50 gift certificate to Subway good at all Delaware Valley locations," said Wade.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

U-HAUL profiting from extra charges, will add more

U-HAUL Inc., a truck, van and trailer rental moving company, has been profiting for years from extras that customers purchase after the vehicle has been rented.

For example not included in the rental is the use of a hand cart located in the back of most rental trucks and vans. If customers use the cart, which is secured with zip ties, they are charged an extra $40. The same goes for packing blankets, if the zip ties are cut then the customer is charged $50. The "extras" have served the company very well.

"The extra charges have saved the company. We were headed towards...towards a not so good place and we have really bounced back," said company CEO, Cleo Timmons. So well in fact that the company now plans to enlarge its "Zip Tie" program to other features on the vehicles.

Company officials announced yesterday that beginning tomorrow zip ties will be placed on the brake pedals of trucks and vans.

"If the tie is broken on the brake then there will be a $25 charge, but there will be no tie on the gas pedal," said Timmons.

A seal will also be placed on the gas cap, the cab doors, speedometer, windows, tires, antenna, hood, emergency brake, pistons, oil filter, oil, floor mats, FM radio button, side of the van, muffler, and rear and side view mirrors.

"I just hope the trip is all uphill, no more than 300 miles, and that I can drive the truck from the outside," said renter Shane Schmidt.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Vatican gets word of dipping sauce experiment

Word travels fast in this age of technology. The Vatican learned late last night of the dipping sauce experiment that took place in Mont Clare, PA over the Christmas holiday. The church staff used various dipping sauces during communion to increase attendance over this holiest of times.
The VSP (Vatican Secret Police) are believed to have been tipped off by a parishioner who was disappointed at the selection of dips that St Carol's offered. The VSP informed the Pope minutes after the incident was reported and received a surprising response. "It's 2007 and we need to think outside of the pew. As long as the dips are blessed prior to the mass than I fully support the movement and thank Father Mike Maloney. However, I am very disappointed about the wet naps. A church is no place for wet naps."

Thursday, December 27, 2007

S. F. tiger used jumping ability to escape

Officials have now confirmed that the tiger, which escaped from its moated area earlier this week in the San Francisco Zoo, jumped its way out.

"Tigers have great leaping ability and I think many people don't realize that or often forget it," said Jim Leroy, tiger jumping and footing expert of the Bay Area.

After escaping the giant cat went on a rampage killing one zoo visitor and critically injuring two others.

One zoo official expressed surprise,"Now we know that tigers can jump. Before this incident we only thought they could and now we know they can."

Some believe that the cat had been purposely deceptive in its jumping skills to fool the zoo keepers into letting their guards down. This particular tiger failed several jumping tests that were administered throughout the year.

"This tiger couldn't even jump a small puddle before the incident," said zoo keeper, Darryl Ventin.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Dipping sauce draws many back to church

In Father Mike Maloney's opinion, the experiment worked with flying colors. In an effort to increase attendance during Christmas services at St Carol's Church, in Mont Clare,PA, the clergy introduced four dipping sauces during communion. "We had ranch, blue cheese, barbecue and honey mustard," said Father Maloney. Ranch appeared to be the holiest flavor for the 5pm mass while honey mustard prevailed at midnight. The AM masses were too close to call.
In the weeks leading up to the Christmas mass, Father Maloney took out a full page ad in the parish weekly bulletin announcing the planned taste experiment. Parishioner volunteer Dana Castanlio explained,"The ads paid off because the masses were a huge hit. We had people lined up outside and had to bring the dipping sauce to them."
Father Maloney shortened his homily, knowing that communion would be exponentially longer due to dipping decisions. "It went very smoothly. Before communion I announced to 'please choose your dip quickly and please no double dipping,'" explained Father Maloney. Each communion line had an additional server to the side holding a tray with all four of the dips in labeled bowls. Wet naps were also available at the rear of the church.
Church members loved the experiment saying that 'it feels so hip and internet-coffee-house-like.' It was such a success that St. Carol's is contemplating filling the holy water bowls near the entrances with a different flavor sauce each week. Sally Fantin, parishioner, said,"Communion was delicious but I would have liked to have seen some salsa." When asked why salsa was not on the menu, Father Maloney hinted that the spices would have been disrespectful and sacrilegious.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Orange extension cord makes holidays uncomfortable

Tim Sherman of Aston, Delaware County, PA, can't wait for the Christmas season to arrive every year. The golf pro at Twin Ponds and Lakes Country Club spends much of the year planning how he can transform his house into one giant Christmas ornament.

Sherman, 47, father of three, goes all out in decorating his home with everything from lights that twinkle to lights that, well, don't twinkle.

"Last year I had over 10,000 bulbs going full tilt," said Sherman. "I wanted to have 15,000 this year, but the township stepped in and said no way."

The suburban house is covered in the green colored strings of lights running both vertically and horizontally. Green, red, white, and twinkling lights as far as the eye can see all connected with green cords. That is, however, for one exception. The extension cord that snakes its way to the Santa figure on the front lawn is orange. In fact, a very bright, in-your-face, 50-ft, industrial-strength, orange extension cord.

"The orange cord ruins the whole feel of the decorations and kills the holiday spirit," Sherman said. "I covered it with fake snow and tinsel, but I know it's still there." Since the covering, the family dog has devoured most of the artificial flakes and silver tinsel exposing the orange line.

Sherman's neighbor Dan Borse, who didn't notice the cord, consoled his friend. "I told him that I didn't even notice the cord and that most high voltage cords are orange. They are tough to get in green. They really are. I told him to cheer up because, you know, it's the holidays and stuff."

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Kalas adds own flare to NFL broadcasts

Harry Kalas is known for having the most distinctive, soothing voice in all of baseball broadcasting. Most are unaware that the baratone lends his skills to the NFL during his "offseason." The Philadelphia treasure performs radio broadcasts for NFL games and will be calling today's game between the Philadelphia Eagles and the New Orleans Saints.

Kalas' broadcasts are hardly "normal," as he likes to put his mark on the calling.

"Well, the first thing is that I never really liked how the field had two of every yardline so I improvised," said Kalas.

He is referring to his trademark of using yard markers one through one hundred. That is to say in Kalas' football world there is a 55 yardline, a 65 yardline, a 75 yardline, a... you get the point.

"I feel using 1-100 makes it much easier for the listeners. He's at the 70. He's at the 80, He's brought down at the 87 yardline."

This is the first year Kalas has used the full 100 yard markers during his play calling and it has been welcomed with huge fanfare.

"By doing this Harry has really revolutionized how a football game is broadcast. He has started a bit of a trend," said Gary Speager, President of NFL Radio.

The trend Speager refers to is the fact that announcers at CBS, NBC, FOX, ESPN and NFLN have attempted to use his signature yardline calling. Joe Buck, the first team NFL announcer at FOX, copied the style last week with little success.

"During the game I kept forgetting which endzone I designated as the 100 yardline and a lot of viewers noticed and wrote, called and emailed complaints," said Buck.

At one point Buck became so confused that he was using negative numbers.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Penn Movie to take different route

After several test screenings of various scenes from William Penn the movie, director Clyde Fulston has decided to meet with writers to change the story.

"The reception from the few scenes that we have filmed was very...lukewarm," said Fulston.

Currently the story has the William Penn statue atop City Hall coming to life after being struck by lightning and becoming a hero by fighting crime and helping the less fortunate.

The story will now have the 37 foot Penn come alive to personally help end the professional sports championship drought in Philadelphia. Penn feels very guilty about the curse and wants to make amends to the city he founded nearly 400 years ago. He joins all four of the major sports teams in the city and ends up dominating their respective leagues.

As a member of the Sixers he goes up against Shaq only to humiliate the all-star Miami center. He finishes second in the league in rushing as a running back for the Eagles. Pitching his way to a Cy Young award for the Phillies, he in turn ruins pitching mounds across the league. He struggles somewhat on the Flyers because of his weak skating skills, but as a goalie yields only 4 goals the entire season. The four teams become dynasties for the next 15 years.

One scene has a sobbing Penn being consoled by Mayor Nutter about the new skyline surpassing his hat. Fulton would not give away the ending, but said, "he puts another crack in a local symbol of freedom."

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Study:Americans spend billions of hours looking for end of tape on roll

It's official. Americans spend more than two billion hours a year looking for the end of the tape on a tape roll. A recent study by Cooper-Sinclair, an efficiency expert company, analyzed the annoying occurrence in over 2,000 American households.

"I think we revealed to the American public that this is a much more serious problem than first anticipated," said Julia Van Strohman, vice chair of studies at Cooper-Sinclair.

Many, if not all, know the feeling of cutting a piece of tape, setting down the roll and then being unable to locate the end.

One man in the study said,"I spent an entire afternoon looking for that thing and I told myself that I was going to put something on the end next time so I could identify it. Like a small piece of wood or something."

Many experts feel that the time spent on looking for the end of tape could be spent eating or actually finishing the job that requires the tape. It was reported that almost 78% of the projects that participants attempted, and delayed because of searching, were never completed.

"Yes, 22% of participants eventually found the end of the tape and went on the finish the project," said Van Strohman.

One anonymous government official expressed that if "we searched for bin Laden the way we look for the end of tape I think we would have found him years ago."

Cooper-Sinclair also took an enormous amount of video for the study and plans to release a documentary film on the subject some time in late 2008. "Some of the violent reactions that tape can cause are quite comical and should be put on the big screen," laughed Van Strohman.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Salvation Army discontinued bottomless donation kettles in 2003

Much to the dismay of Philadelphia Eagles fans, who pine for a receiving corp that would strike fear into opposing defenses, the Salvation Army stopped using bottomless donation buckets over four years ago. Yesterday, during the Eagles-Dallas game wide receiver Reggie Brown ended up in the giant red donation kettle behind the Cowboys bench following a sideline catch. The Kettle was placed there for promotional purposes during the holidays.

"Had this happened four years ago the player would have been in a constant free fall for the rest of his life," said General Mike Pilroy, Salvation Army commander.

One disappointed Eagles fan cried, "Why couldn't this have happened four years ago? We could have picked up someone real good. I don't know who but someone real good."

The Eagles have not had a number one receiver since Terrell Owens left for the hated Cowboys after the 2005 season. Had the charitable organization still been using the previous model of kettles the Eagles would have needed a new receiver following the game.

Reggie Brown admitted being very lucky,"As I was coming down into the bucket I was like 'Crap aren't these things bottomless?' then I felt my feet hit a sturdy surface and I just smiled."

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Sal Fasano's mustache arrested in steroid investigation

Former Philadelphia Phillies catcher Sal Fasano was asked to turn his mustache over to Police for allegations of steroid dealing. The mustache is accused of providing steroids to all players named in the Mitchell Report since the early 1990's. Names included in the report: Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Lenny Dykstra.

At first the players denied the allegations out of great fear of the mustache, then admitted to purchasing mass quantities of steroids. The mustache loved the whole world that came with dealing.

"Usually after a purchase we would party together into the early morning hours. The 'stache could put down some beer and was smooth with the ladies, I mean smooth," said one MLB player.

Police raided the home of Fasano on December 13th, only to discover an empty residence. Fasano was tracked to Italy where he has been vacationing and has fully cooperated with the Italian authorities.

"We told him he was in no trouble and instructed him to shave the mustache and mail it back to the States or to turn the mustache over to the Italian Police," said FBI agent, Stan Griber.

Fasano has teamed with the mustache since birth, which made the arrest and subsequent separation extremely difficult.

"And to think this was all going on right under my nose!" said a teary-eyed Fasano.

Covered up by the arrest is all the great charity work that the mustache has done over the past several years. Volunteer work included a baseball camp for troubled youthes in its home town of Chicago to the Trans Lake Michigan Swim benefiting the NHL. The 'stache also acted as the catcher's agent.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

FDA to require stricter labels on packaging for peanut allergies

The FDA requires that food companies post warnings on packaging, stating whether or not the factory handles peanuts to notify customers with allergies. Now the Food and Drug Administration is becoming stricter when it comes to these labels as lives are at stake.

Starting in 2008 companies must put labels on packaging even if peanuts are discussed in that particular factory.

"A peanut may never enter the facility but if the nut is talked about by managers or floor workers on the premises than the consumer has the right to know," said FDA official, Elizabeth Dewey.

Boxes or bags will read:"This product is produced in a factory where peanuts are often talked about." The FDA appears to be covering themselves and going to great lengths to prevent harm. Here is another label that will be used by food companies: "This product is made in a factory where the workers really enjoy eating peanuts during their breaks." Another:"This product is made in a factory, which should make you question whether you really want to eat it." And finally: "This product probably does not contain peanuts."

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Petrino's twin brother has coached Falcons since week 4

Bobby Petrino, former Atlanta Falcons head coach, knew the situation in Atlanta was lose-lose when Michael Vick admitted to operating a dog fighting ring in Virginia and was removed from the team. The coach had been lured out of the college ranks from Louisville with the excitement of a promising team and a franchise quarterback and a 5 year multi-million dollar contract.

But the legal troubles of Vick tore the team apart and they went from good to awful. After seeing Joey Harrington attempt to replace Vick, Patrino knew he had to get out of the situation.

"I had to get the hell out of there. The plane was going down and there was only one parachute. I took the 'chute."

He yearned to get back to the college level, but more importantly had to get out of Atlanta. Petrino decided to call his twin brother Billy who is a teacher in south central Pennsylvania. Petrino offered the Falcons head coaching job to his teacher brother promising the full salary if he would "just sit in for me and act like you're me." Billy, who only played midget football, agreed and has been coaching the Falcons since week 4.

When Bobby finally found a college position with Arkansas he called Billy and told him that he needed to resign from the Falcons, which he did yesterday.

"It was a great experience, but I really had no idea what I was doing and I think most of the players and staff could tell that," said Billy Petrino.

Quarterback Byron Leftwich thought he noticed something different during week 4. "He[Billy] had no idea what the plays were. I would ask him about a play and he would say 'I can't be bothered by minor details.' He says this every week."

Aurther Blank, owner of the Falcons had this to say,"I just can't get over how much they look alike. It's frightening."

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Bike taxi puts on show, passengers hold on

Two passengers in the back of a New York City 3-wheeled bike taxi got a lot more than they bargained for over the weekend on a trip to the Big Apple. Newlyweds Tina and John Chathem were aboard Ming Juang's taxi when he began to perform bike tricks for a throng of tourists on the corner of Broadway and 34th Street.

"At first he just did a small pop-a-wheelie and the crowd applauded and then he slowly got more daring," said Tina Chathem.

From the wheelie he went to leaning the bike to one side making it ride on two wheels. By this time the crowd had ventured onto the street and formed a circle around the performance and began to clap in unison.

"This is when it got ugly. He turned and told us to 'blace ourselves.' Then he got some speed and pulled the front brakes sending the rear of the bike, and us, into the air."

Juang balanced on one wheel(the front wheel) for almost a minute to deafening applause. While still on one wheel he began to hop up and down and it was at this point that Tina fell from the bike onto the street.

One onlooker described the incident: "She had a bloody nose but the driver just made it part of the show. He began hopping, still on one wheel, back and forth over the motionless woman...and he was laughing."

John, who was hanging from the back seat, had injured his on the side of the bike causing a deep bruise. The passengers were both pretty upset. The couple was taken to NYU Medical Center and treated for minor injuries. It was here where one of the tourists in the audience showed them the tape of the tricks.

"Our anger changed when we saw the film," said Tina, "and realized how talented Ming is and that it's just something that happens in The Big Apple.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Kolb considers removing "L" from last name

Philadelphia, PA--Kevin Kolb (pronounced cobb), the Philadelphia Eagles' third-string quarterback, has had to answer many difficult questions since coming to the City of Brotherly Love as a high second round pick in last year's NFL draft. The rookie quarterback will face even tougher questions with yesterday's loss to the New York Giants, 16-13, inquiring about his timeline to the starting role.

But there is one question that causes great frustration for the Texas native: Why is the 'L' in your last name silent?

"Oh, I'm asked that question at least five times a week," said a suddenly serious Kolb. "In that part of Texas [Victoria] the letter 'L' was not officially recognized as part of the English alphabet until 1928."

When Texas was an autonomous region the letter was banned as a symbol of resistance against the Spanish who once controlled the area with a heavy fist and adored the letter. Later, when the French colonized parts Texas they demanded that 'L's be inserted into many of the locals' surnames to demonstrate French power. This caused many Texans to revolt against the occupiers by not recognizing the letter 'L,' which lasted until 1928.

"You will see the letter in many words and names in Texas, but most are silent as a symbol of our past struggles in uniting all Texans," said an emotional Kolb, staring into the bottom of his locker.

Kolb has admitted the questions about his name have worn him down, and, despite family pressure, he is seriously considering removing the 'L.'

"It is a Texas thing and the good folks here in the north just don't get it and I really don't know if I can answer another question about the it."

It appears that the young quarterback has a Texas-sized 'L' of a problem.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Alberta clipper stirs memories of 1977 clipper

Almost 30 years ago to the day, the monstrous Alberta Clipper of 1977 roared through the Delaware Valley wreaking havoc on all in its path. Snow fell on streets, driveways, sidewalks, rooftops, trees, gardens, parks, parking lots, fields, and cars--basically most everything that was outside.

Alberta Clippers are fast moving snow storms that develop in the plains of Alberta, Canada, and race southeast toward the east coast of the US.

Watching today's Clipper out of his kitchen window, Harry Baldwin, 81, of Roxborough, Philadelphia, recalled the '77 storm: "They weren't called Alberta Clippers back then, they were called Northern Plains Critters and that 1977 storm was one I will never forget."

Clippers can dump anywhere from a trace to 2 inches of snow in an area, but the 1977 storm left 2.7 inches in its wake.

"If I'm remembering correctly I think they closed the schools, but I could be thinking of another storm. That's right, they did close the schools, but I had the darndest time locating my snow shovel," said Baldwin.

Because the storms can possibly economically benefit the ski resorts in their paths, the government of the Province of Alberta requested the storms be referred to as Alberta Clippers in 1989.

"We wanted American skiers to think that this was a very special snow package sent from the Province of Alberta, Canada, and to come and stay in our hotels and spend your money here as appreciation," said Timothy McDevitt, Alberta's Lord of Tourism and Queen Visits.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

King: "I completely forgot I traded Iverson last year."

The Philadelphia 76ers fired Billy King, their president since 2003 and general manager since 1998. King admitted that he developed a plan over this past off-season to rebuild the Sixers, but that his plan included Allen Iverson. He was very excited coming into this season.

"I came into training camp and didn't see Allen and I immediately thought that he was skipping practice again," said King.

He called Iverson and his agent leaving voice messages demanding he attend practice.
King was irrate pacing the sidelines of the PCOM practice site when head coach Maurice Cheeks and assistant coach Jim Lynam sat the coach down.

"Billy you traded Allen during last season, he plays in Denver now," Lynam explained to the GM.

King smiled in embarrassment trying to recall the trade. "I think I remember...wait...get out of here. You guys are crazy. He's skipping practice again," said a laughing King.

King had this to say about the firing:"We're talking about attendance. Attendance. Attendance. We're not talking about games. We're talking about attendance. Attendance. Not games. Not games. Attendance. Attendance. We're talking about attendance."

Monday, December 3, 2007

Seattle merchant claims Tatupu bounced check on invisible paint purchase

Last Tuesday in a downtown Seattle hardware store Lofa Tatupu purchased a can of invisible paint to use during yesterday's game against the Philadelphia Eagles. Store owner Beth Thomas clearly informed Tatupu that she would not accept checks because of recent problems but caved when he revealed he was a Seahawks' linebacker.

"I didn't recognize him at first and thought there was no way that I would have check problems with a Seahawk. They are Kings in this town," said Thomas.

She received word early this morning from her bank that the check did not go through, which will cost her $50.00 in fees.

Totupu used the paint to make himself invisible to fool Eagles quarterback A J Feely.

"Unfortunately I had to work so I was not able to see whether he was satisfied with his purchase or not," said Thomas.

At the moment she is very concerned with getting her money for the paint which is produced in the store's basement. Only several cans a year are made, which is the reason for the high cost of the paint. This morning Totupu claimed that he wants to "make things right" with Thomas, but that he spilled paint on his wallet sometime after the game.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Little Debbie caught with Tastykakes in hotel room

Philadelphia,Pa-Little Debbie , who has been traveling the country to promote her new pop music CD entitled Oatmeal Creme Pioneer, was in Philadelphia for the past several days. She performed two sold-out shows at the Electric Factory on Thursday and Friday nights. The singer and snack cake mogul was staying at the Market Street Marriott when a controversial discovery was made.

Hotel maid Floresnez Santo Guirerez entered Debbie's room with incorrect information that snack maker had checked out. When Guirerez turned the corner to the bedroom area she was shocked at what she saw.

"There were multiple Tastykake wrappers all over the bed and floor. She was asleep but had a Krimpet in her hand," said the maid.

Krimpets are one of Tastykake's, a Philadelphia snack cake company and rival Little Debbie company, most popular products.

"I didn't know what to do or who to tell," cried the maid. Guirerez did the right thing by informing her supervisor who informed the media.

Little Debbie at first had no comment then her publicist released this statement:
Little Debbie is thoroughly embarrassed at the incident that has occurred in Philadelphia. She loves her own line of snack cakes so very much from the Oatmeal Creme Pies to the Swiss Cake Rolls. Like many of us, however, who have traveled to the Delaware Valley it is very difficult to turn down a Tastykake. Personally the Peanut Butter Kandy Kakes are my favorite and Krimpets are Little Debbie's favorite. She would like to apologize to her employees at McKee Foods Corp, maker of Little Debbie products. Also it is with great pleasure that I announce Little Debbie's new stage name for future concerts and tours-Little Debra. Thank you.