Monday, December 31, 2007

Eagles still hoping for playoffs, will fly to Seattle

The Philadelphia Eagles are still hoping that the NFL will expand the number of playoff teams in the NFC from six to seven teams before next weekend.

"It hasn't been talked about or anything and we haven't brought up the idea to the league but we just thought that maybe they would do it," said a somewhat optimistic Andy Reid, head coach of the Eagles.

The league has not expressed interest in growing the playoff field and the chances that it would happen by next weekend are very small.

"Had they brought this up at a meeting like two weeks ago I would have taken it to the Board," said a just informed, Pat Leingild.

There will be a vote by the Board to determine whether the topic should go to an official vote. "This vote will determine if we will vote on it or not. The only reason we are doing this is because we like Andy and McNabb really finished the season strong," said Leingild.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Phila. man claims Stomp cast stole his trash can lids

Audience member nap a first for Stomp

The action-packed banging, gonging and pounding of the critically acclaimed show Stomp was not enough to to keep the attention of the entire audience earlier today at the Merriam Theater in Philadelphia.

The 2pm show seemed to be going very smoothly until an audience member was discovered sound asleep in the balcony section. Richard Wade is now officially recognized by the American Board of Live Theater Performances(ABLTP) as the first person ever to nap during a Stomp performance.

"We here at the Board thought that such a feat was impossible but Mr. Wade proved us all wrong," said Judith Wilson, ABLTP Associate Director.

Apparently some segments of the show gave the cast a chance to re-energize.

"I dozed off during the part with the newspapers and I'm not sure how long I was out. But I did have a dream about newspapers as I am very fond of them," said Wade.

Wade snoozed through banging oil drums doubling as giant shoes and metal chairs folding to an eardrum-shattering rhythm.

Wade appeared somewhat embarrassed at first but then took pride in the award presented to him by the cast members after the show.

"The whole cast came out and said they were so impressed with the nap and they gave me a $50 gift certificate to Subway good at all Delaware Valley locations," said Wade.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

U-HAUL profiting from extra charges, will add more

U-HAUL Inc., a truck, van and trailer rental moving company, has been profiting for years from extras that customers purchase after the vehicle has been rented.

For example not included in the rental is the use of a hand cart located in the back of most rental trucks and vans. If customers use the cart, which is secured with zip ties, they are charged an extra $40. The same goes for packing blankets, if the zip ties are cut then the customer is charged $50. The "extras" have served the company very well.

"The extra charges have saved the company. We were headed towards...towards a not so good place and we have really bounced back," said company CEO, Cleo Timmons. So well in fact that the company now plans to enlarge its "Zip Tie" program to other features on the vehicles.

Company officials announced yesterday that beginning tomorrow zip ties will be placed on the brake pedals of trucks and vans.

"If the tie is broken on the brake then there will be a $25 charge, but there will be no tie on the gas pedal," said Timmons.

A seal will also be placed on the gas cap, the cab doors, speedometer, windows, tires, antenna, hood, emergency brake, pistons, oil filter, oil, floor mats, FM radio button, side of the van, muffler, and rear and side view mirrors.

"I just hope the trip is all uphill, no more than 300 miles, and that I can drive the truck from the outside," said renter Shane Schmidt.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Vatican gets word of dipping sauce experiment

Word travels fast in this age of technology. The Vatican learned late last night of the dipping sauce experiment that took place in Mont Clare, PA over the Christmas holiday. The church staff used various dipping sauces during communion to increase attendance over this holiest of times.
The VSP (Vatican Secret Police) are believed to have been tipped off by a parishioner who was disappointed at the selection of dips that St Carol's offered. The VSP informed the Pope minutes after the incident was reported and received a surprising response. "It's 2007 and we need to think outside of the pew. As long as the dips are blessed prior to the mass than I fully support the movement and thank Father Mike Maloney. However, I am very disappointed about the wet naps. A church is no place for wet naps."

Thursday, December 27, 2007

S. F. tiger used jumping ability to escape

Officials have now confirmed that the tiger, which escaped from its moated area earlier this week in the San Francisco Zoo, jumped its way out.

"Tigers have great leaping ability and I think many people don't realize that or often forget it," said Jim Leroy, tiger jumping and footing expert of the Bay Area.

After escaping the giant cat went on a rampage killing one zoo visitor and critically injuring two others.

One zoo official expressed surprise,"Now we know that tigers can jump. Before this incident we only thought they could and now we know they can."

Some believe that the cat had been purposely deceptive in its jumping skills to fool the zoo keepers into letting their guards down. This particular tiger failed several jumping tests that were administered throughout the year.

"This tiger couldn't even jump a small puddle before the incident," said zoo keeper, Darryl Ventin.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Dipping sauce draws many back to church

In Father Mike Maloney's opinion, the experiment worked with flying colors. In an effort to increase attendance during Christmas services at St Carol's Church, in Mont Clare,PA, the clergy introduced four dipping sauces during communion. "We had ranch, blue cheese, barbecue and honey mustard," said Father Maloney. Ranch appeared to be the holiest flavor for the 5pm mass while honey mustard prevailed at midnight. The AM masses were too close to call.
In the weeks leading up to the Christmas mass, Father Maloney took out a full page ad in the parish weekly bulletin announcing the planned taste experiment. Parishioner volunteer Dana Castanlio explained,"The ads paid off because the masses were a huge hit. We had people lined up outside and had to bring the dipping sauce to them."
Father Maloney shortened his homily, knowing that communion would be exponentially longer due to dipping decisions. "It went very smoothly. Before communion I announced to 'please choose your dip quickly and please no double dipping,'" explained Father Maloney. Each communion line had an additional server to the side holding a tray with all four of the dips in labeled bowls. Wet naps were also available at the rear of the church.
Church members loved the experiment saying that 'it feels so hip and internet-coffee-house-like.' It was such a success that St. Carol's is contemplating filling the holy water bowls near the entrances with a different flavor sauce each week. Sally Fantin, parishioner, said,"Communion was delicious but I would have liked to have seen some salsa." When asked why salsa was not on the menu, Father Maloney hinted that the spices would have been disrespectful and sacrilegious.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Orange extension cord makes holidays uncomfortable

Tim Sherman of Aston, Delaware County, PA, can't wait for the Christmas season to arrive every year. The golf pro at Twin Ponds and Lakes Country Club spends much of the year planning how he can transform his house into one giant Christmas ornament.

Sherman, 47, father of three, goes all out in decorating his home with everything from lights that twinkle to lights that, well, don't twinkle.

"Last year I had over 10,000 bulbs going full tilt," said Sherman. "I wanted to have 15,000 this year, but the township stepped in and said no way."

The suburban house is covered in the green colored strings of lights running both vertically and horizontally. Green, red, white, and twinkling lights as far as the eye can see all connected with green cords. That is, however, for one exception. The extension cord that snakes its way to the Santa figure on the front lawn is orange. In fact, a very bright, in-your-face, 50-ft, industrial-strength, orange extension cord.

"The orange cord ruins the whole feel of the decorations and kills the holiday spirit," Sherman said. "I covered it with fake snow and tinsel, but I know it's still there." Since the covering, the family dog has devoured most of the artificial flakes and silver tinsel exposing the orange line.

Sherman's neighbor Dan Borse, who didn't notice the cord, consoled his friend. "I told him that I didn't even notice the cord and that most high voltage cords are orange. They are tough to get in green. They really are. I told him to cheer up because, you know, it's the holidays and stuff."

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Kalas adds own flare to NFL broadcasts

Harry Kalas is known for having the most distinctive, soothing voice in all of baseball broadcasting. Most are unaware that the baratone lends his skills to the NFL during his "offseason." The Philadelphia treasure performs radio broadcasts for NFL games and will be calling today's game between the Philadelphia Eagles and the New Orleans Saints.

Kalas' broadcasts are hardly "normal," as he likes to put his mark on the calling.

"Well, the first thing is that I never really liked how the field had two of every yardline so I improvised," said Kalas.

He is referring to his trademark of using yard markers one through one hundred. That is to say in Kalas' football world there is a 55 yardline, a 65 yardline, a 75 yardline, a... you get the point.

"I feel using 1-100 makes it much easier for the listeners. He's at the 70. He's at the 80, He's brought down at the 87 yardline."

This is the first year Kalas has used the full 100 yard markers during his play calling and it has been welcomed with huge fanfare.

"By doing this Harry has really revolutionized how a football game is broadcast. He has started a bit of a trend," said Gary Speager, President of NFL Radio.

The trend Speager refers to is the fact that announcers at CBS, NBC, FOX, ESPN and NFLN have attempted to use his signature yardline calling. Joe Buck, the first team NFL announcer at FOX, copied the style last week with little success.

"During the game I kept forgetting which endzone I designated as the 100 yardline and a lot of viewers noticed and wrote, called and emailed complaints," said Buck.

At one point Buck became so confused that he was using negative numbers.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Penn Movie to take different route

After several test screenings of various scenes from William Penn the movie, director Clyde Fulston has decided to meet with writers to change the story.

"The reception from the few scenes that we have filmed was very...lukewarm," said Fulston.

Currently the story has the William Penn statue atop City Hall coming to life after being struck by lightning and becoming a hero by fighting crime and helping the less fortunate.

The story will now have the 37 foot Penn come alive to personally help end the professional sports championship drought in Philadelphia. Penn feels very guilty about the curse and wants to make amends to the city he founded nearly 400 years ago. He joins all four of the major sports teams in the city and ends up dominating their respective leagues.

As a member of the Sixers he goes up against Shaq only to humiliate the all-star Miami center. He finishes second in the league in rushing as a running back for the Eagles. Pitching his way to a Cy Young award for the Phillies, he in turn ruins pitching mounds across the league. He struggles somewhat on the Flyers because of his weak skating skills, but as a goalie yields only 4 goals the entire season. The four teams become dynasties for the next 15 years.

One scene has a sobbing Penn being consoled by Mayor Nutter about the new skyline surpassing his hat. Fulton would not give away the ending, but said, "he puts another crack in a local symbol of freedom."

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Study:Americans spend billions of hours looking for end of tape on roll

It's official. Americans spend more than two billion hours a year looking for the end of the tape on a tape roll. A recent study by Cooper-Sinclair, an efficiency expert company, analyzed the annoying occurrence in over 2,000 American households.

"I think we revealed to the American public that this is a much more serious problem than first anticipated," said Julia Van Strohman, vice chair of studies at Cooper-Sinclair.

Many, if not all, know the feeling of cutting a piece of tape, setting down the roll and then being unable to locate the end.

One man in the study said,"I spent an entire afternoon looking for that thing and I told myself that I was going to put something on the end next time so I could identify it. Like a small piece of wood or something."

Many experts feel that the time spent on looking for the end of tape could be spent eating or actually finishing the job that requires the tape. It was reported that almost 78% of the projects that participants attempted, and delayed because of searching, were never completed.

"Yes, 22% of participants eventually found the end of the tape and went on the finish the project," said Van Strohman.

One anonymous government official expressed that if "we searched for bin Laden the way we look for the end of tape I think we would have found him years ago."

Cooper-Sinclair also took an enormous amount of video for the study and plans to release a documentary film on the subject some time in late 2008. "Some of the violent reactions that tape can cause are quite comical and should be put on the big screen," laughed Van Strohman.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Salvation Army discontinued bottomless donation kettles in 2003

Much to the dismay of Philadelphia Eagles fans, who pine for a receiving corp that would strike fear into opposing defenses, the Salvation Army stopped using bottomless donation buckets over four years ago. Yesterday, during the Eagles-Dallas game wide receiver Reggie Brown ended up in the giant red donation kettle behind the Cowboys bench following a sideline catch. The Kettle was placed there for promotional purposes during the holidays.

"Had this happened four years ago the player would have been in a constant free fall for the rest of his life," said General Mike Pilroy, Salvation Army commander.

One disappointed Eagles fan cried, "Why couldn't this have happened four years ago? We could have picked up someone real good. I don't know who but someone real good."

The Eagles have not had a number one receiver since Terrell Owens left for the hated Cowboys after the 2005 season. Had the charitable organization still been using the previous model of kettles the Eagles would have needed a new receiver following the game.

Reggie Brown admitted being very lucky,"As I was coming down into the bucket I was like 'Crap aren't these things bottomless?' then I felt my feet hit a sturdy surface and I just smiled."

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Sal Fasano's mustache arrested in steroid investigation

Former Philadelphia Phillies catcher Sal Fasano was asked to turn his mustache over to Police for allegations of steroid dealing. The mustache is accused of providing steroids to all players named in the Mitchell Report since the early 1990's. Names included in the report: Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Lenny Dykstra.

At first the players denied the allegations out of great fear of the mustache, then admitted to purchasing mass quantities of steroids. The mustache loved the whole world that came with dealing.

"Usually after a purchase we would party together into the early morning hours. The 'stache could put down some beer and was smooth with the ladies, I mean smooth," said one MLB player.

Police raided the home of Fasano on December 13th, only to discover an empty residence. Fasano was tracked to Italy where he has been vacationing and has fully cooperated with the Italian authorities.

"We told him he was in no trouble and instructed him to shave the mustache and mail it back to the States or to turn the mustache over to the Italian Police," said FBI agent, Stan Griber.

Fasano has teamed with the mustache since birth, which made the arrest and subsequent separation extremely difficult.

"And to think this was all going on right under my nose!" said a teary-eyed Fasano.

Covered up by the arrest is all the great charity work that the mustache has done over the past several years. Volunteer work included a baseball camp for troubled youthes in its home town of Chicago to the Trans Lake Michigan Swim benefiting the NHL. The 'stache also acted as the catcher's agent.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

FDA to require stricter labels on packaging for peanut allergies

The FDA requires that food companies post warnings on packaging, stating whether or not the factory handles peanuts to notify customers with allergies. Now the Food and Drug Administration is becoming stricter when it comes to these labels as lives are at stake.

Starting in 2008 companies must put labels on packaging even if peanuts are discussed in that particular factory.

"A peanut may never enter the facility but if the nut is talked about by managers or floor workers on the premises than the consumer has the right to know," said FDA official, Elizabeth Dewey.

Boxes or bags will read:"This product is produced in a factory where peanuts are often talked about." The FDA appears to be covering themselves and going to great lengths to prevent harm. Here is another label that will be used by food companies: "This product is made in a factory where the workers really enjoy eating peanuts during their breaks." Another:"This product is made in a factory, which should make you question whether you really want to eat it." And finally: "This product probably does not contain peanuts."

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Petrino's twin brother has coached Falcons since week 4

Bobby Petrino, former Atlanta Falcons head coach, knew the situation in Atlanta was lose-lose when Michael Vick admitted to operating a dog fighting ring in Virginia and was removed from the team. The coach had been lured out of the college ranks from Louisville with the excitement of a promising team and a franchise quarterback and a 5 year multi-million dollar contract.

But the legal troubles of Vick tore the team apart and they went from good to awful. After seeing Joey Harrington attempt to replace Vick, Patrino knew he had to get out of the situation.

"I had to get the hell out of there. The plane was going down and there was only one parachute. I took the 'chute."

He yearned to get back to the college level, but more importantly had to get out of Atlanta. Petrino decided to call his twin brother Billy who is a teacher in south central Pennsylvania. Petrino offered the Falcons head coaching job to his teacher brother promising the full salary if he would "just sit in for me and act like you're me." Billy, who only played midget football, agreed and has been coaching the Falcons since week 4.

When Bobby finally found a college position with Arkansas he called Billy and told him that he needed to resign from the Falcons, which he did yesterday.

"It was a great experience, but I really had no idea what I was doing and I think most of the players and staff could tell that," said Billy Petrino.

Quarterback Byron Leftwich thought he noticed something different during week 4. "He[Billy] had no idea what the plays were. I would ask him about a play and he would say 'I can't be bothered by minor details.' He says this every week."

Aurther Blank, owner of the Falcons had this to say,"I just can't get over how much they look alike. It's frightening."

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Bike taxi puts on show, passengers hold on

Two passengers in the back of a New York City 3-wheeled bike taxi got a lot more than they bargained for over the weekend on a trip to the Big Apple. Newlyweds Tina and John Chathem were aboard Ming Juang's taxi when he began to perform bike tricks for a throng of tourists on the corner of Broadway and 34th Street.

"At first he just did a small pop-a-wheelie and the crowd applauded and then he slowly got more daring," said Tina Chathem.

From the wheelie he went to leaning the bike to one side making it ride on two wheels. By this time the crowd had ventured onto the street and formed a circle around the performance and began to clap in unison.

"This is when it got ugly. He turned and told us to 'blace ourselves.' Then he got some speed and pulled the front brakes sending the rear of the bike, and us, into the air."

Juang balanced on one wheel(the front wheel) for almost a minute to deafening applause. While still on one wheel he began to hop up and down and it was at this point that Tina fell from the bike onto the street.

One onlooker described the incident: "She had a bloody nose but the driver just made it part of the show. He began hopping, still on one wheel, back and forth over the motionless woman...and he was laughing."

John, who was hanging from the back seat, had injured his on the side of the bike causing a deep bruise. The passengers were both pretty upset. The couple was taken to NYU Medical Center and treated for minor injuries. It was here where one of the tourists in the audience showed them the tape of the tricks.

"Our anger changed when we saw the film," said Tina, "and realized how talented Ming is and that it's just something that happens in The Big Apple.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Kolb considers removing "L" from last name

Philadelphia, PA--Kevin Kolb (pronounced cobb), the Philadelphia Eagles' third-string quarterback, has had to answer many difficult questions since coming to the City of Brotherly Love as a high second round pick in last year's NFL draft. The rookie quarterback will face even tougher questions with yesterday's loss to the New York Giants, 16-13, inquiring about his timeline to the starting role.

But there is one question that causes great frustration for the Texas native: Why is the 'L' in your last name silent?

"Oh, I'm asked that question at least five times a week," said a suddenly serious Kolb. "In that part of Texas [Victoria] the letter 'L' was not officially recognized as part of the English alphabet until 1928."

When Texas was an autonomous region the letter was banned as a symbol of resistance against the Spanish who once controlled the area with a heavy fist and adored the letter. Later, when the French colonized parts Texas they demanded that 'L's be inserted into many of the locals' surnames to demonstrate French power. This caused many Texans to revolt against the occupiers by not recognizing the letter 'L,' which lasted until 1928.

"You will see the letter in many words and names in Texas, but most are silent as a symbol of our past struggles in uniting all Texans," said an emotional Kolb, staring into the bottom of his locker.

Kolb has admitted the questions about his name have worn him down, and, despite family pressure, he is seriously considering removing the 'L.'

"It is a Texas thing and the good folks here in the north just don't get it and I really don't know if I can answer another question about the it."

It appears that the young quarterback has a Texas-sized 'L' of a problem.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Alberta clipper stirs memories of 1977 clipper

Almost 30 years ago to the day, the monstrous Alberta Clipper of 1977 roared through the Delaware Valley wreaking havoc on all in its path. Snow fell on streets, driveways, sidewalks, rooftops, trees, gardens, parks, parking lots, fields, and cars--basically most everything that was outside.

Alberta Clippers are fast moving snow storms that develop in the plains of Alberta, Canada, and race southeast toward the east coast of the US.

Watching today's Clipper out of his kitchen window, Harry Baldwin, 81, of Roxborough, Philadelphia, recalled the '77 storm: "They weren't called Alberta Clippers back then, they were called Northern Plains Critters and that 1977 storm was one I will never forget."

Clippers can dump anywhere from a trace to 2 inches of snow in an area, but the 1977 storm left 2.7 inches in its wake.

"If I'm remembering correctly I think they closed the schools, but I could be thinking of another storm. That's right, they did close the schools, but I had the darndest time locating my snow shovel," said Baldwin.

Because the storms can possibly economically benefit the ski resorts in their paths, the government of the Province of Alberta requested the storms be referred to as Alberta Clippers in 1989.

"We wanted American skiers to think that this was a very special snow package sent from the Province of Alberta, Canada, and to come and stay in our hotels and spend your money here as appreciation," said Timothy McDevitt, Alberta's Lord of Tourism and Queen Visits.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

King: "I completely forgot I traded Iverson last year."

The Philadelphia 76ers fired Billy King, their president since 2003 and general manager since 1998. King admitted that he developed a plan over this past off-season to rebuild the Sixers, but that his plan included Allen Iverson. He was very excited coming into this season.

"I came into training camp and didn't see Allen and I immediately thought that he was skipping practice again," said King.

He called Iverson and his agent leaving voice messages demanding he attend practice.
King was irrate pacing the sidelines of the PCOM practice site when head coach Maurice Cheeks and assistant coach Jim Lynam sat the coach down.

"Billy you traded Allen during last season, he plays in Denver now," Lynam explained to the GM.

King smiled in embarrassment trying to recall the trade. "I think I remember...wait...get out of here. You guys are crazy. He's skipping practice again," said a laughing King.

King had this to say about the firing:"We're talking about attendance. Attendance. Attendance. We're not talking about games. We're talking about attendance. Attendance. Not games. Not games. Attendance. Attendance. We're talking about attendance."

Monday, December 3, 2007

Seattle merchant claims Tatupu bounced check on invisible paint purchase

Last Tuesday in a downtown Seattle hardware store Lofa Tatupu purchased a can of invisible paint to use during yesterday's game against the Philadelphia Eagles. Store owner Beth Thomas clearly informed Tatupu that she would not accept checks because of recent problems but caved when he revealed he was a Seahawks' linebacker.

"I didn't recognize him at first and thought there was no way that I would have check problems with a Seahawk. They are Kings in this town," said Thomas.

She received word early this morning from her bank that the check did not go through, which will cost her $50.00 in fees.

Totupu used the paint to make himself invisible to fool Eagles quarterback A J Feely.

"Unfortunately I had to work so I was not able to see whether he was satisfied with his purchase or not," said Thomas.

At the moment she is very concerned with getting her money for the paint which is produced in the store's basement. Only several cans a year are made, which is the reason for the high cost of the paint. This morning Totupu claimed that he wants to "make things right" with Thomas, but that he spilled paint on his wallet sometime after the game.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Little Debbie caught with Tastykakes in hotel room

Philadelphia,Pa-Little Debbie , who has been traveling the country to promote her new pop music CD entitled Oatmeal Creme Pioneer, was in Philadelphia for the past several days. She performed two sold-out shows at the Electric Factory on Thursday and Friday nights. The singer and snack cake mogul was staying at the Market Street Marriott when a controversial discovery was made.

Hotel maid Floresnez Santo Guirerez entered Debbie's room with incorrect information that snack maker had checked out. When Guirerez turned the corner to the bedroom area she was shocked at what she saw.

"There were multiple Tastykake wrappers all over the bed and floor. She was asleep but had a Krimpet in her hand," said the maid.

Krimpets are one of Tastykake's, a Philadelphia snack cake company and rival Little Debbie company, most popular products.

"I didn't know what to do or who to tell," cried the maid. Guirerez did the right thing by informing her supervisor who informed the media.

Little Debbie at first had no comment then her publicist released this statement:
Little Debbie is thoroughly embarrassed at the incident that has occurred in Philadelphia. She loves her own line of snack cakes so very much from the Oatmeal Creme Pies to the Swiss Cake Rolls. Like many of us, however, who have traveled to the Delaware Valley it is very difficult to turn down a Tastykake. Personally the Peanut Butter Kandy Kakes are my favorite and Krimpets are Little Debbie's favorite. She would like to apologize to her employees at McKee Foods Corp, maker of Little Debbie products. Also it is with great pleasure that I announce Little Debbie's new stage name for future concerts and tours-Little Debra. Thank you.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Report:Ahmadinejad would have defected if chosen to host Price is Right

Few knew that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was a finalist for host of The Price is Right to replace Bob Barker. The controversial Iranian leader is a huge fan of the show and had inquired about the position weeks before his visit to the UN last month in New York. So serious was the leader that he had fully prepared to defect while in New York if he received word that the position was his. "We on our go to JFK Airport to return to Tehran and I had still no heard back from producers of dee show. I tell dee driver to slow it down mister and to take dee Belt Parkway at rush hour to buy we some time," said the saddened President in his broken English. The leader was late enough for his flight that he had to be paged over the airport's public address system urging him to check-in at the nearest Persian Airways kiosk. "I never heard notting from dem. Notting."
Apparently the Iranian leader is obsessed with the show and frequently stages mock shows where he plays the host. "He really gets into it. He loves to scream 'Come on down' and 'Let's see the next item up for bid,'"said one Al Queda member who was forced to sit-in as an audience member during the fake show. Sources report that he has continued the mock shows in hopes of starting an Iranian version-if the rights can be purchased.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Leaf Zapper newest gadget for leaf removal

The Leaf Zapper 4,000 is the latest and most popular new gadget for cleaning up your yard's leaf blanket. The Zapper uses a small laser and a radar system to track and destroy the leaves before they even reach the ground. The Zapper, which mounts on the side of a house under a rain gutter, sends out a continuous radar signal. When a leaf falls from the tree it registers on the Zapper's computer giving it an exact location. At this time the laser locks in on the leaf, very similar to a missle locking in on a target, and fires destroying it before coming into contact with your yard. The LZ4000 is made by the Kensington, Philadelphia company LeafTech a subsidiary of SnowTech which is owned and operated by YardTech. Surprisingly the LZ4000 is only 35 payments of $9.95 and it includes a set of steak knives. The knives will cut your steak but they also assist when having neighborhood laser light shows acting as reflective surfaces when placed partially in the ground. "We don't recommend the light shows, but they can be awful neat," said Zapper salesman Scott Short.
Caution:Please stay indoors during leaf-falling season. Season varies from region to region.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Window store owner tires of joke

Gail Dana Townsend owns You're a such Pane in my Window her window store on the corner of 24th St and Jade St in Philadelphia. She has ran the shop for over 20 years first with her late husband and now with her kids. For the same 20 years she has heard the joke "We're just window shopping" countless times from countless customers. "I'm done with it," she said, "I've heard the joke for the last time. I'm closing the shop." Yesterday Townsend snapped at a very friendly customer and joker who simply thought it was the first time that she had heard it. One Townsend son witnessed the altercation,"Mom yelled at the man to get out of the store then began smashing most of the windows in the store." After finally calming down she had finally decided that was enough and as she left the store she turned, smiled and said,"It's actually a clever joke."

Friday, November 23, 2007

Johnson, three other defensive coaches faint while watching film of Pats offense

Eagles' defensive coordinator Jim Johnson and three other defensive coaches collapsed yesterday while watching film of the New England Patriots offfense operate. The four coaches were fine and treated at the Eagles Nova Care Practice facility in South Philadelphia. Doctors called the incident "fainting from terror." Doctor Jim Sorum said,"The four coaches were working in the film room late last night viewing a Patriots drive from earlier in the year when all fainted in their chairs." One of the coach's pants was ripe with the odor of urine which Doctor Sorum said has happened to several defensive coaches that the Patriots have faced this season.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Tryptophan causes family to miss ending of Jets/Cowboys game

The Grant family of Mt Laurel,NJ had painfully watched almost the entire match-up between the New York Jets and the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day only to miss out on one of the most believable endings ever. The family sat around the dining room table feasting on the lavish holiday dinner at 3:30PM and by 4:30 had adjourned to the TV room to watch the remaining three quarters of the Dallas-New York game. "The halftime score was 21-3 Dallas," said Bill Grant the father. By the end of the third quarter Susan,12, had very heavy eyelids when the score reached 24-3. The tryptophan had seized control of the family by the start of the 4th quarter and all three were fast asleep. The final score was Dallas 34, New York 3. "The last play I remember was Joey Harrington throwing an incomplete pass and then I was out, we all really wanted to see the ending," said Melissa Grant the mother.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

At 4'11" Rollins smallest MVP ever

Jimmy Rollins who stands 4' 9" was voted yesterday as the National League's Most Valuable Player. With the announcement came the news that Rollins is the smallest player ever to win the award in either league. The 4' 5" Rollins was beaming yesterday when he learned the results of the Baseball Writers of Association voting. One writer called Rollins "the most exciting shortstop in the game." Not only is he the MVP but the 4'2" Rollins also captured a Gold Glove award this year. "It's been a phenomenal year for the 3'10" player," said Dodgers' Manager Joe Torre.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

New Hess Toy Truck runs on gas

Hess has begun promoting this year's new holiday monster truck that will require gasoline for operation. The truck will get about 2 feet per teaspoon of gas.

"We wanted to have a toy that uses fuel to sell more of our product at the pumps," said Hess director of marketing, Frank Daniels.

When parents visit Hess stations to fill up this holiday season there will be a special "kiddy pump" where children can refuel their Hess toy trucks. To use the "kiddy pumps" children must be at least one year old.

The Trucks are radio controlled and have a range of 100 yards but have to be refueled often. One fill up produces about ten minutes of operating time.

"We considered using batteries but then it would not be using fossil fuels. We want to cash in on oil while it's still around," said Daniels.

One child loved the toy,"I love it and gasoline smells weird on my hands but I love my new truck. I use it to carry around reece's pieces. I named it trucky trucky."

Monday, November 19, 2007

Dolphins refuse to play game because of nets

The Miami Dolphins were in town yesterday to play the Eagles at Lincoln Financial Field for a 1pm game. However, after pregame warm-ups the Dolphins' front office decided that the nets behind the field goals were not "Dolphin-safe." Several Miami officials examined the nets that prevent balls from entering the seating area for several hours before the game. "We ran some tests with some of the players. Rolling them up in the net and then timing how long it took them to get out. Hands down the nets were not Dolphin-safe," said John Tipton,a Dolphins official. The squares that make up the netting are three inches by three inches making it impossible for the players to pass safely through the netting.

Jayson Taylor(pictured)was very upset,"every stadium in the league has Dolphin-safe nets. It's just very upsetting. It's 2007, get with the program. The Eagles should be embarrassed and should be penalized draft picks."
The Eagles assured the Dolphins that the nets would be replaced with a Dolphin friendly net and that the game would be rescheduled for tonight. "The cancellation obviously upset our fans but we wanted to do what was right and good and the commissioner backed me up on this. We're the greenest team in the league," said Eagles owner, Jeffrey Lurie.

Friday, November 16, 2007

More and more cats being sent to Catskills for training

The Catskill Mountains in lower New York state have always been known as a resort area luring hundreds of thousands to its breathtaking scenery year round. However, the area is marketing itself to a new breed of vacationers: People who want to vacation but who also want to see their house cats learn new tricks.

Many incorrectly break the word Catskill into two parts at the wrong place. Cats Kill- this may be true for rodents and insects but cats overall are loving animals.

The word should be separated into Cat Skill-a Native American word meaning the skill of a cat. Cats were a vital part of Native American life, so much so that tribes through out the northeast sent their cats to be trained in new skills by its famous cat trainers.

From the Algonquins to the Mohicans, having skilled cats meant survival but more importantly meant great entertainment.

The Greater Catskill Visitors and Cat Training Assoc. want the tradition of training cats brought back to the region.

"One can comfortably sit by a cool lake knowing full well that their cats are in good hands and being trained in the latest and hippest cat skills by our expert staff," said Judy Lamport, director of the association.

The association also believes that it can lure tourists away from Oregon's Felinetalent Mountains which has successfully catered to cat owners for decades.

Recently hired ship captain left hovercraft pilot experience off resume

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Chilean 'quake was actually a soccer riot

The 7.7-magnitude earthquake measured by the Global Seismic Association yesterday actually turned out to be a 7.7-magnitude soccer riot. Buildings and bridges toppled and over 100 people were injured with 2 casualties reported.

The Chilean national soccer team lost a very crucial and close match to arch rival Peru yesterday, 2-1, in overtime, eliminating the team and setting off a riot like no other.

"We are going to burn down the Andes," screamed one rioter referring to the mountain chain that dominates the country's landscape.

The super-hyped crowd pushed over a 20 story building, carried it through the streets and dumped it in the River Guanardo. Then the rioters,forming a long line, dug their bare hands into a paved road and created a two foot wide crack(pictured) in the asphalt simply by pushing and pulling.

As GSA officials surveyed the damage they became convinced it was caused by a large-scale earthquake.

"The fires, the giant cracks in the ground, the apartment buildings leveled, there was no doubt it was an earthquake...then we saw the mob," said GSA director Gabriel Domingo.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Phila Police threaten to use Battleship New Jersey to fight crime

Philadelphia Police Commissioner Sylvester Johnson was very clear in his message to the criminals of the city:"We are fully prepared to use the Battleship New Jersey to battle crime in this city." The decommissioned battleship is now a floating museum on the Camden waterfront, but can be reactivated for police work in a short time for only several million dollars. The most decorated American battleship was extremely accurate when firing on targets winning hundreds of the Navy's "Bull's Eye Medals."
When first docking on the Delaware River in 1999 the ship was used to disrupt the drug trade on Camden's streets. The ship's massive 16 inch guns were used to destroy many of the drug houses that littered the city's neighborhoods. "The houses were empty, but we knew there were lots of drugs and weapons in the home. The gun would turn and fire, boom, there would be nothing left. It was hilarious," said officer Brad Muster. And effective.
Philadelphia has similar plans for the ship if crime continues to increase. Pennsylvania law allows for battleships to target many types of suspected crime activity:"Battleships are permitted to combat drug and violent crime. They may also be used as a form of death penalty. However, they may not be used to curb jay walking." Being that the firing range of the guns aboard the ship are 23 miles, many suburban Pennsylvania and New Jersey towns have inquired about fighting crime with the USS New Jersey.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Seeing Double? Plans only called for one tower

Though the twin towers known as One and Two Commerce Square are 15 and 20 years old respectively a major breakthrough with respect to the project's cost has been uncovered. The now defunct Schuylkill River Realty Corporation, the builder of Commerce Square, was never able to determine why the project finished double the estimated cost. The project proved so costly that it ruined the 75 year old SRRC who was forced into bankrupcy in 1993 one year after the completion of Two Commerce Square. The original plans turned up at a garage sale that a former SRRC employee had visited.
The plans and the permits revealed that only one tower was suppose to be constructed at Commerce Square instead of the two now standing. "I really screwed up. I always wondered why the project was so far over budget. I kept doing the math. It has comsumed my life," said Ken Willer, project manger at the time. An assistant to Willer reportedly left a photocopy of the original plans on his desk, thinking it was a new set of plans Willer ordered the second tower to be built. "I should have called to double check, but I decided to make the decision and it turned out to burn me and the company. It's really crappy." The assistant claimed to have placed a Post-it on the copy that said "copy." However, Post-its were relatively new at that time and did not stick as well as they do today.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

New drug allows players to see yellow line

New York, NY--The NFL has a new drug problem on their hands: Yellow-uana. This revolutionary drug allows players to see television's yellow first down line, one that only viewers at home are able to see. This drug has gone undetected for years, but became known to officials during an interview slip up.

After last week's game, running back Jim Taylorsville was describing a late fourth quarter effort to reach a first down: "I was able to make the catch and was hit immediately, but I could see the the yellow line was only a yard away...I mean...I only needed one more yard. Shit."

An investigation was launched the next day that revealed hundreds of players were involved in the use of Yellow-uana. The yellow line has appeared on telecasts since 1998, but officials have no idea how long the drug has been around.

"There really is no telling how far back this started. It could have been 1998, we don't know," said one NFL spokesperson. Yellow-uana, a pill and a liquid, has been added to the list of banned substances by the league.

Though the investigation is in its early stages and most players are not fully cooperating, officials have gathered some information. Several wide receivers and running backs have admitted that a tainted dose can cause a player to see several yellow lines on the field at one time.

One running back, who commented only on condition of anonymity, recounted a nightmare game: "It was wacky. I saw at least 20 yellow lines every time I touched the ball. I was freaking out. If [the officials] said I was short of the first down, I couldn't argue because there was always a yellow line ahead of where I was tackled."

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Rhode Island looks to surpass Delaware by 2010

Currently the state of Rhode Island is recognized as the country's smallest, in land area, behind the the First State of Delaware. Rhode Island is currently listed at 1,045 square miles while Delaware entails 1,954 square miles. "We're only 909 behind. I mean...c'mon. That's just a little over 900," said Carl Smith, a resident of Pawtucket, RI. Ten years ago the Ocean State established a committee that would focus on strategies to surpass Delaware and end years of humiliation. The billions of dollars invested in the project has apparently paid off because Rhode Island is expected to pass Delaware in land area by 2010. "I really can't believe that it's happening. No more jokes or quips or anything," said Director of Project Un-tiny, Heidi Martinez.
Some experts have said that having the "smallest state" label has boosted the Rhode Island economy exponentially. "Everyone remembers the biggest and the smallest. It's a great way to market your state...people will remember," said Stephie Sinclair of Center City Marketing Inc. Rhode Island officials turned their nose to this theory, but Delaware has welcomed it. "We established a committee years ago to see if we could slide into the 50th slot," said Frank Johnson, leader of Project Tiny. T-shirts with "Nobody remembers number 49" written on the front have sold out of Wilmington, DE stores.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Small tear in Lazy Boy perfect for small wrappers

Jesse Denigan will outright admit to using the small tear in his friend's Lazy Boy upholstery as a trash bin. "Oh, I definitely use it as a small trash can." The two-inch tear located on the right armrest is perfect for placing small candy wrappers. "There must be over 100 Heshey Kiss wrappers in there. They're easy to roll up and shove in," said Denigan. One will find almost every candy wrapper, the size of the palm of your hand or smaller, in the Lazy Boy. Denigan admitted that if m&m's came individually wrapped they would be perfect for stuffing in the chair. "After a night of several beers I was able to get the wrapper from a 4-pack Reese's Peanut Butter Cup down the rip." Denigan's friend reportedly has no knowledge of the "Chair-ash Can."

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Nutter votes for the guy that ran against him

Michael Nutter, the next mayor of Philadelphia, defeated the guy that ran against him(pictured) in a landslide in yesterday's election. Knowing prior to the election that he would win easily Nutter voted for the guy that ran against him as a sign of respect. "I just thought that it was the right thing to do- voting for the guy that ran against me," said a jubilant mayor-elect Nutter.
The guy that ran against Nutter received about 17% of the vote while Nutter claimed 83%. "I support Nutter through and through and look forward to working with him to make this city great. It was a privilege to run against the guy that ran against me," said the guy that ran against Nutter.

Musharraf: "It's just that I look so good in this uniform. That's the thing."

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Brady hurts hand on Lombardi trophy

After the New England Patriots won the Super Bowl on Sunday over the Indianapolis Colts CBS's Jim Nantz handed an uncharacteristically high energy Tom Brady the Vince Lombardi Trophy. The excited quarterback grabbed the award and just as quickly dropped it. Brady cut his hand on the base of the trophy which has three extremely sharp points that resemble a pitchfork . The NFL has been concerned for years that something like this would happen.
Several years ago a few players formed a committee whose goal was to have the points "rounded off a bit." The players traveled the country showing the dangers of the award. "In the mountain streams of Wyoming I was actually able to spear fish with it," said the anonymous player. In Kansas City, Mo it was used in a meat packing plant, which needs no further description. Finally, it was attached to the front of an ice breaking ship in Lake Superior where the captain reported,"I ain't no never seen ice break like that, the ice was scared #&%less."
The rounding never happened for fear the trophy would not stand when placed on a table. "What if it wasn't able to stand up? Like one of those punching things that pops right back up, but this wouldn't pop back up," said a visibly upset Tyler Glastinopolis, rep from the NFL's Trophies division. Brady is expected to make a full recovery, but the question is: will the ice in Lake Superior?

Monday, November 5, 2007

Restaurants, sandwich shops prep for the Kolb era

Delaware Valley residents and restaurants are preparing for the Kevin Kolb(pronounced cob) era to begin at quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles. From Hoagie shops to candy stores plans to develop names for sandwiches, soups, salads and more for the rookie quarterback in the event he becomes a star have begun. "We've come up with a few zingers," said Marvin Topton, owner of The Crispy Sandwich on Mixton St. The "Corn on the Kolb" hoagie is being tested and has so far been met with rave reviews. The hoagie features two layers of turkey and cheese wrapped around an ear of corn served hot with a tangy dipping sauce. Pho 75, a Vietnamese Soup house on Washington Ave., is planning to test a soup that entails a chicken broth with an ear of corn in the center called: "I Prefer the Kolb Soup-The Soup you eat with your hands." Acme Supermarkets will introduce the Kolb Salad next month, but has remained silent on its contents.
Sally Barksdeer of the Naval Yard has tasted both,"Awesome! I had never eaten the actual cob before eating the Kolb Hoagie. Delicious!" Many chefs have hinted that if the quarterback is a hit so will the dishes, while others were hesitant. "We can't just throw anything into a sandwich and expect it to sell, but it does help if he succeeds," said Topton. One area candy maker plans on unveiling "Kolb Stoppers", a play on the candy "Gob Stoppers," for the holiday season.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Theaters experience plummet in candy sales after Halloween

Experts have studied it. The experts' assistants have studied it. College professors have studied it. Grad students have studied it. "It" is the trend of plummeting candy sales that the nation's movie theaters experience the week following Halloween. Candy sales remain relatively constant through out much of the year until the period just after the Halloween holiday. "I don't get it. Theaters see a hefty drop in sales, but the amount of candy wrappers in waste receptacles and seating area floors nearly triples," said Mike Avon, a marketing professor from Philadelphia University's School of Confection Confessions. Many of the wrappers collected and studied were selections not even offered at the lobby's food stands. This has some believing that rogue theater employees have established an underground candy market in the seating area.
Another theory that was quickly dismissed was the idea that patrons have been bringing in their own Halloween candy. "We nixed this idea quickly because all theaters have a strict "no outside food or drink inside the theater" policy," said Avon. Next week a panel will meet at MIT in Boston to discuss the next course of action in this long and exhausting study.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

NFL to award Lombardi trophy after Sunday's big game

After hours of meetings in the NFL's New York headquarters the league officially decided to award Sunday's Colts-Patriots winner the championship trophy. "Basically we have declared this game the Super Bowl, and are treating the game accordingly," said NFL rep, Garry Gom. The league has added a halftime show and also considered a neutral location which Colts officials turned down. However, Colts officials did agree to give half of the RCA Dome's tickets to the Patriots for distribution to New England fans. For the first time ever a "regular" season game conducted a Media Day and will have end zones painted for each team's colors.
A final decision will come on Wednesday on whether the league will play the remaining regular season games and the playoffs. "We're more leaning toward not playing the games, but then someone will bring up a good point which makes us think we should play the games. It's just a real crazy time right now," said Gom
Notes: The half time show will star the Bacon Brothers. They will not be singing, but acting out several scenes from Kevin's large list of hit movies.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Shooting thought to be part of Halloween costume

Residents of the 6600 block of Gregsonberg St, in Philadelphia's Gregsonberg section, thought they were being treated to a Halloween skit last night. Michael Stamp,43, of the 7100 block, was shot in the abdomen during a drug-deal-gone-bad on an adjacent street. Stamp stumbled onto Gregsonberg St around 7pm holding his stomach and blood-stained shirt when he began passing trick-or-treaters and parents. "We really thought it was part of a Halloween act," said resident Stacy Vamter. Her son, 10 year old James, had no idea how Stamp was able to get the blood to "look so real and keep pumping out of his stomach."
As Stamp struggled down the sidewalk he was met with whistles and calls of praise. Residents on nearby porches rose to a standing ovation as the man collapsed halfway down the block finally succumbing to the wound. A teary-eyed Don Gramton said afterward, "I was clapping so hard my hands hurt. At the time I thought it was one of the greatest performances I have ever seen." Stamp was pronounced dead at Rising Sun Hospital hours later. The children of the neighborhood have put all of their Halloween candy in the place where Stamp fell as a tribute. However, it appears that the children fancy twix and snickers as neither appear at the shrine.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Area frogs looking forward to Leap Year

It only occurs once every four years but frogs around the world are highly anticipating the 2008 Leap Year. "It's a time for leaping and more leaping," croaked a frog found soaking up the afternoon sun yesterday on Philadelphia's lower Schuylkill River. For millennia frogs have celebrated the "Year of the Leap" in many different ways but one ritual has persisted: the leap. Known for their leaping in non-leap years one study shows that frogs increase leaping up to 75% during Leap Year. "It's quite fascinating the amount of leaping they do considering that the creatures are leapers to begin with," said Hank Sumtimton, a Keystone State University biologist. The frogs that Sumtimton studied were very quick to differentiate between leaping and jumping. "Ohhh.(laughing) Leaping is so different from jumping I don't want to even get into it," said one Delaware River frog.
Whatever the definition we know that the world will see an exponential increase in frog leaping during 2008 much like it did in 2004,2000 etc. As during previous Leap Years frog advocates have asked that high school biology classes consider dissecting lizards in 2008.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Boston ends new 2 year curse, wins 84 years early

Last night the Boston Red Sox ended the curse that plagued the franchise for two years. The original curse lasted eighty-six years and ended when the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004. The famous "Curse of the Bambino," claimed believers, was the result of Babe Ruth leaving for the rival New York Yankees. Ruth went on to become one of the greatest players of all time and an American icon.
Following the 2004 victory the Red Sox front office invited Bill Buckner, 1986 goat, to the World Series parade to "smooth things over." However, Buckner exited the WB Mason float and Fleet parade when his pet goat was refused entry. Before leaving Buckner had cursed the team again. "I curse this team to another 86 year drought," yelled Buckner at no one in particular.
Many believed the new curse when the Red Sox did not repeat as champions in 2005 and 2006. "Being that we hadn't won it in two years I knew the Buckner curse was in effect," said an excited Pat McSweeny, a fan from Leominster,Ma, "but not anymore." This time around the curse lasted only two years. Buckner's goat became a minor celebrity and media darling, when the Sox did not win in 2005, touring the country and guest speaking at many colleges. Someone from this year's parade crowd yelled,"Escape...goat." Huh?

Friday, October 26, 2007

Preparation for World Series uncovers original Coors Field plans

One of the major obstacles in bringing baseball to the Mile-High City was that it was...well, a mile high. Many experts believed that the ball would fly out of the stadium like a Tiger Woods tee shot because of the thin air.

Some called for a 600 ft center field with similar dimensions down the lines. Pitchers would never want to come to Denver and see their ERA's surpass the Rocky Mountains.

One engineering company, Roobarb,Mixy, and Rebar came up with a plan to combat the naysayers and to prove that baseball would work here. The plan was recently discovered, sealed in cardboard tubes, in the bowels of Coors Field while the team was sprucing up "every last corner of the place" in anticipation of the World Series.

Mookie Roobarb and his brother Rebar Roobarb were huge baseball fans and desperately wanted Major League Baseball to place a team in Denver, their home city. The plan called for the stadium to be built 5,280 feet below the streets of Denver. To all Europeans and other worshipers of the metric system that is equal to 1,760 yards.

"It would have been a domed stadium built a mile into the Earth's crust," said the janitor, Allen Storm, who found the plans.

Having the stadium built at sea level gave the city a much better chance of landing a franchise. Fans would journey into the ground by way of a combination of over 200 elevators and escalators. Escalator rides would have surpassed 45 minutes from surface to stadium.

Also in the plans was a 14 ft layer of concrete under the stadium to prevent scalding hot liquid magma and lava from entering the seating area.

The plan was never made public, but to those who did know about it considered it very dangerous and controversial. Roobarb, Mixy, and Rebar passed away in freak accidents when three separate bombs detonated while all three were attempting to start their vehicles. Investigators called the accidents "manufacturing glitches."

A teary-eyed Mill Wagner, close friend of the engineers, said,"I just wish that Roobarb, Mixy, and Rebar would have lived to see the World Series come to Denver. It really stinks that they died in such freak accidents."