Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Is Atlantic City getting desperate? Oceanside gambling resort to build $950 million 'Full House'-themed casino

In early 2015, Atlantic City will welcome another casino along its historic boardwalk: Full House: The Casino. It is a planned mega-casino based on the popular sitcom "Full House," which ran from the late 80s to the mid 90s on ABC. The news came as a shock to many in the region, given that upscale Revel, the city's newest gaming establishment, which opened just last year, continues to struggle financially. New casinos popping up in neighboring states have taken large gulps from A.C.'s once thought endless flow of visitors and have even lured New Jerseyans themselves to pay the bridge toll and play the slots and tables in Pennsylvania. But state officials feel Full House: The Casino can stop the bleeding. "I put my best people in a room--with sandwiches, water, and two porta potties--and told them not to come out until they came up with an idea to return A.C. to its former glory. Wow, did they hit a home run or did they hit a home run?" boasted a very proud Chris Christie, the Garden State's governor. "A Full House casino will save A.C., there's no doubt in my mind. You know why? Because we're stronger than the storm. I personally talked with Dave Coulier, the actor who played Joey, and he is psyched. We're all psyched." So, get ready for Jesse and Joey's Basement Black Jack, D.J. Dizzy Roulette, Danny Deck of Cards Poker, Stephanie's Slots, Michelle Bingo, Kimmy Craps, and Comet Keno. The entire cast of the hit show has signed on to make regular appearances at the state-of-the-art gaming palace, and, if not on site, must personally congratulate patrons holding a full house by telephone.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

'Huge' Ryan Braun fan cannot look shaver directly in the blades

Though totally distraught, the fan refuses to remove the tiny custom made Brewers jersey he had made for the shaver years ago.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Popular Jersey Shore ice cream, pizza shops coming to Schuylkill River Boardwalk

Above: Beginning in 2014, frozen custard and pizza legends Kohr Bros and Mack & Manco Pizza will offer scaled-back menus at their new locations along the quickly-rising Schuylkill River Boardwalk, an extension of the overland trail that currently terminates at Locust Street. The two eateries signed seventy-five-year leases, but can opt out of the agreement after five years if a promised Ferris wheel is not erected on the new boardwalk by 2019. "Kohr Bros will be a stand, while Mack & Manco will have a seating capacity of 85," said Francine O'Reilly, director of the Philadelphia Elevated Walkways Over Waterways Association (PEWOWA). "Also, it was going to be a surprise, but, yes, we are making plans to secure and install a small Ferris wheel along the river at some point in the near future." When asked if crowds patronizing the new food establishments would create possible conflicts with walkers, joggers, and cyclists, O'Reilly said probably.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Report: Portland bicycle cops 'still adjusting' to patrol car-strength sirens, lights

Portland, OR--The bicycle law enforcement officers of Oregon's largest city say riding between cars in traffic is a challenge and turning is a bit more difficult with the new automobile-sized lights and sirens installed on the entire fleet of bikes just over one month ago. They also mentioned that balancing is nearly impossible even after an intensive three-week training session led by four semi-retired Cirque du Soleil performers. However, the sirens allow two-wheel-mounted officers to easily pull over motorists and cyclists. "The new sirens may look silly, I'm sure," said Captain James Tammerhill, head of the Portland Police Department. "But, Portland has a biking reputation to protect. Sure, making a simple right- or left-hand turn just got a whole lot more interesting, but these sirens scare the $#@* out of drivers. Hooo, yeah!"

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Should Eagles fans be concerned about inordinate amount of time Chip Kelly spends playing chess in Rittenhouse Square?

Philadelphia--At first, it appeared that the fast-moving, wisecracking chess player in Rittenhouse Square was just some guy that happened to look a whole lot like Eagles new head coach Chip Kelly. But upon closer inspection, it became abundantly clear that this was indeed the Birds New Hampshire-born leader. "I love it down here," said Kelly, fresh off a convincing chess win where he surrendered only four pieces and taunted opponents with a tweaked version of the Eagles fight song. "The competition, the camaraderie, I'm addicted to the Rittenhouse chess matches. I become a different person here, the adrenaline rush is crazy. I can't get enough." No he cannot. In fact, the coach has been spotted in the popular square--one of William Penn's original five--nearly every day since early June. On several occasions Kelly has been seen in the wee hours of the morning standing solo with a chess board enticing the unsuspecting passerby into some "friendly competition." "It's getting to the point where I see Chip on my way to work and on the way home. The guy needs a shave and, just a thought, to, um ... I don't know, maybe, work on some plays for the upcoming season," said Dan Rothman, an Eagles fan from the Fitler Square neighborhood. Recent reports indicate that the team is "very concerned" about the coach's time spent in the park. "We've been monitoring the situation very closely," said one team employee who wanted to remain anonymous. 

Asiana Flight 214: Passengers reported feeling lightheaded after manually inflating emergency exit slides

"It took us a while to inflate the slide, but it had one of those tricky valves," reported one passenger. "You had to squeeze the valve and blow at the same time. During an inflation break, I accidentally let a bunch of the air out because I didn't let go of the valve. If this whole incident taught us anything it should be that the valves on these inflatable slides should be better designed and easier to operate."

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Andy Murray waiting for right time to tell Great Britain that he was born, raised in Cleveland

Above: Wimbledon Champion Andy Murray hoists the cup after his victory in the finals over Novak Djokovic on Sunday, the first for a "Brit" in 77 years. "I'll probably tell Britain about the whole not being from here thing the same day that the Royal baby is born," said Murray about his plans to announce to the world that he is not actually British. "Yeah, that sounds like a good plan."

Monday, July 8, 2013

Battle of Gettysburg 150th Anniversary: Over 8,000 reenactors perish from heat exhaustion

The death toll from the oppressive heat on the sun-drenched battlefield was slightly more than the actual battle 150 years ago. Reenactment organizers stand by their decision to require battle participants to wear heavy wool uniforms. "Yes, knowing what I know now I would still demand wool be the fabric of choice for all reenactors. You can't put a price on authenticity."

Thursday, July 4, 2013

One week later, architect still gets big chuckle from drawing ketchup with Sketchup

Above: During "some down time" at Cooper-Sinclair Design Group, a ten-year-old architecture and interior design firm based in Portfishington, an architect created three bottles of ketchup using Google's drawing program Sketchup. The young designer admits, nearly two weeks later, that the ketchup design still makes her burst into laughter randomly throughout the workday. "The whole office is still getting a big kick out the ketchup with Sketchup drawing. Even the partners of the firm will stop me in the hallway and share a big laugh about it," said the glowing, talented architect. "And, to be honest, I was a bit nervous about the partners seeing the meticulously-designed ketchup bottles. I mean, I've only been here three and a half weeks and I didn't want them to think I have too much down time. The bottles took me about five hours to complete over the course of two days. But, trust me, I have a ton of other 'legitimate' work. For example, I'm spending many hours helping to design the new dome that's going over the Piazza and the seat expansion project at PPL Park. However, I must admit, deep down, there's a part of me that feels they are laughing at the ketchup-Sketchup because they know I'm sleeping with one of the partners. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but some of the laughter seems forced and uncomfortable."