Wednesday, October 31, 2012

World Series: Giants fans attempting to kayak from McCovey Cove to Detroit in time for Game 4 just passing under Golden Gate Bridge

The Golden Gate, CA--Seven diehard Giants fans attempting to kayak from San Francisco to Detroit via the Pacific Ocean, Panama Canal, Caribbean Sea, Atlantic Ocean, St Lawrence River, and two Great Lakes, admit they egregiously misjudged the time frame of the perilous voyage.

"We were kayaking in McCovey Cove for Games 1 and 2, and after the final out of that second game, we just decided to start paddling for Detroit. We were definitely drunk--wasted, actually--but we thought we had a real chance to make it by Game 4. We concluded very quickly that making Game 3 was out of the question. But, if we buckled down and didn't stop to go to the bathroom and stuff like that, then we could attend Game 4 in Michigan."

Haphazardly, the seven 30-somethings, who all met at the University of San Francisco, declined to purchase any supplies for the trip, only taking the eight beers and half bag of Cheetos secured in a floating cooler trailing one of the personal watercraft on a five-foot piece of tangled fishing line. They pledged to "live off what the sea provided." Three of the seven men did not have paddles and one "kayak" was simply a series of straps and large bread bag ties connecting 12 life jackets together.

After incorrectly taking a right (south), at the entrance to McCovey Cove following the game, the group righted course and headed north in San Francisco Bay, finally passed under the famous bridge this morning where they unanimously agreed to terminate the voyage, dry their orange sweatpants, and head to the closest Johnny Rockets.

"That's a freakin' long trip, dude," said Silicon Valley employee, Brett Smith. "I looked at a map when I got back to my place, and that is, like, a ridiculously long trip. I don't know what we were thinking. We missed out on the win and the celebration. What can I say, we had an awful lot of beers in the Cove."

The Giants completed a World Series sweep on Sunday night in the Motor City, while seven of their fans took nearly four days to kayak what should have been nine miles and a 3-4 hour trek.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Gov Christie reluctantly heeds weather experts' advice: will not fly into center of storm, eat it

Above: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie flashes the number three to members of the media gathered in Trenton this morning. The Governor was outlining the three items he needed to devour Hurricane Sandy and prevent billions of dollars in damage: a bottle of ketchup, a straw, and a large spork. "The National Hurricane Center has pleaded that I do not attempt such a dangerous--yet very worthy--mission for the Garden State, and I have given in to their warnings. Prepare for major wind, rain, and surge."

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Hurricane Sandy: Four new possible tracks revealing 'one crazy-ass storm'

Local meteorologists predicting storm could 'do whatever the hell it wants,' maybe hit Chicago, Seattle, Newfoundland, Iowa or follow precisely along the Pennsylvania border.
Below: Storm could follow Pa. border, including the Erie County "chimney." Above: Storm could appear inebriated.

Hurricane Sandy: Keebler pulls Pecan Sandies tv ad making light of approaching severe storm

The 30-second spot shows the elves boarding up their treehouse in anticipation of the storm and emphatically stating six times in unison: 'If we keep eating Keebler Pecan Sandies, we should all be okay.'

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Scary music greeting Terror Behind the Walls visitors actually a warning about ticks

Philadelphia--If you've attended Terror Behind the Walls in Philadelphia, one of the country's largest and most highly-rated haunted houses, then you've heard the creepy, spine-tingling music blaring over the sidewalk loudspeakers meant to set the tone before thrillseekers enter the iconic and imposing stone penitentiary: "Tic ... tic ... tic ... tic ... tic." The slow, drawn-out "tics," (and intentionally omitting the tocs) repeated over and over on an endless loop and changing in pitch and rhythm with eerie background creaks and squeaks were thought to be part of the show--a critical part, even. That is, at least, what most people thought. However, Eastern State Penitentiary (E.S.P.), organizers of the event which doubles as its main fundraiser, says the music is really a warning to patrons to check for ticks before and after their visit. "There are beautiful gardens lining the historic landmark, and waiting visitors line up right next to them," said Dan Reilly, assistant director at E.S.P. "Just because our gardens are exquisite doesn't mean they don't have ticks. We play the "Tic" song to remind people to check for ticks and prevent Lyme disease, it's not supposed to be a scary song. Really. We want everyone to enjoy their time at Eastern State, and that means a tick-free experience."

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Report: Hesitant to completely sever ties with troubled cyclist, Livestrong to be renamed the Armstrong Foundation

Above: The popular yellow Livestrong (a division of Fibstrong) wristband given to donors of the nonprofit. Following the Lance Armstrong doping scandal, many donors are finding that the wristband packaging fine print is correct: once on a wrist they cannot ever be removed, as they are flame and cut resistant.

Debate: Romney: 'Would I use Doan's in Pakistan? Absolutely, if I had severe back pain while traveling there. Hell, I would use it here.'

Monday, October 22, 2012

M.L.B.: Beginning in 2014, spring training records to determine home-field advantage in N.L.C.S., A.L.C.S.

Commissioner Bud Selig loves what he did for Major League Baseball's all-star game back in 2003, when he awarded the winner of the mid-summer classic home-field advantage in the World Series. (A scene from that 2003 contest, incidentally, is the background photo on Selig's Facebook page.)

The move aimed to give more meaning to a game that lacked, well, any significance at all. Multi-million dollar players risking injury for an in-season exhibition game seemed ludicrous (mostly to owners?). Why not attach something valuable to the end result? The reviews have been mixed, but the updated version is definitely managed and played with (slightly?) more urgency.

Now, the good commissioner is about to leave another mark that may not go over as well. In fact, most have likened it to a skid mark, but not the kind left on asphalt from a locked Michelin. Spring training games, those lackluster contests filling the third month of the calendar year played in the shadows of palm trees and cacti, will now "have meaning."

These winter games played far away from home cities and stadiums, and often further from the average fan's awareness, will now determine home-field advantage in the A.L.C.S. and the N.L.C.S. The only round of the playoffs that uses regular season records in awarding home-field advantage will now be the divisional series and the single game between the wild card teams.

Once the four slots in the league championships series are set, spring training records will then be used to determine home-field advantage. For example, the best division winner during the year may be playing the worst division winner, but the latter can now have four out of seven games in their home park simply because they fashioned a better spring training record.

If the two teams had identical records in March, head to head spring records act as the tie-breaker. The next tie breaker is the capacity of the spring training stadium.

"Fans spend lots of their hard earned money to travel to Florida and Arizona to see their favorite team during spring training. Flights, hotels, meals ... and we're putting split squads out there? Give me a break. Shouldn't the games have more at stake?" said a fiery Selig. "I mean, split squads for Christ's sake."

Some have spoken up against the move. "With all due respect, the Commissioner is devaluing the regular season ... again," said one player on condition of anonymity. "It's really remarkable what is happening. Spring training is practice, so let it be practice."

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Debate: Obama apologizes for odd 'David Hassel-Hofstra University' comment, but declines to elaborate

Political analysts feel Obama was attempting a lighthearted joke to sway undecided German-American voters. However, the quip only confused the town-hall audience and home viewers, as there is no connection between the actor and the university.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Romney addresses 'binders full of women' comment made during debate: 'I misspoke. They were not regular three-ring binders, but were custom-designed business Trapper Keepers'

The former Massachusetts governor was very embarrassed over the strange comment. "I think I gave the impression that I used normal 3-ring binders to hold the lists and lists of women I have. That sounds really creepy. Gives me the shivers. No, I meant to say Trapper Keepers full of women. No way do I use regular 3-ring binders. Please, believe me when I say that I keep my lists and lists of women in Trapper Keepers."

M. Night Shyamalan mum on inspiration behind latest film

The award-winning film director and writer would only say that he keeps a 12" X 12" portrait of the inspiration on his custom-made screenwriting desk. 'I'm not easily spooked, but this thing gets me every time I sit down to work. It's great.'

Monday, October 15, 2012

Castillo feels tackling quarterback behind line of scrimmage should be separate statistic, have own name

The Eagles' defensive coordinator feels the rare backfield accomplishment deserves a catchy moniker worthy of its difficulty, for example: splat, satchel, backpack, kablammo, squash, bag, suitcase, shazam, or, perhaps, sack. 'He finished the season with two kablammos,' said one Eagle. 'I like the sound of that--not the two part, though.'

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Double 'party' hot tubs on stage dramatically boost Biden-Ryan television debate ratings

Above: Two "party" (bi-party-san?) hot tubs placed stage right and stage left during the Biden-Ryan Vice Presidential debate on Thursday night at Centre College in Danville, KY, provided a huge boost in television ratings. Biden, during his introduction to the audience, stopped and dipped his hand in the steaming water, smiled, and could be seen mouthing, "hot in the hot tub." Ryan, not to be outdone by his opponent, made a pit stop to take a quick sip of champagne that each of the hot tub's female occupants on his side of the stage were holding. After returning the glass, Ryan appeared to say, "gonna make you sweat."

Friday, October 12, 2012

Dead Sea scrolls Dead Sea Scrolls website

The very salty body of water has been taking intensive computer classes for the past month and wanted to learn more about the Scrolls that share its name. 'There are some interesting facts about the Scrolls when you scroll down to the bottom of the website,' said the Dead Sea. 'We had a whole class on scrolling last week, so ...'

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Walgreens, Washington Nationals to settle logo dispute out of court

Washington, D.C.--The logos for M.L.B.'s Washington Nationals and the drugstore chain Walgreens are nearly identical. The cursive "W" swoops, curves, bends, and twists resembling the silhouette of a Six Flags rollar coaster. Two weeks ago, Walgreens, which traces its roots to 1901, filed suit in federal district court alleging trademark infringement against the Nationals, established in 2005. However, after several days of "light" negotiating the two sides agreed to settle the dispute out of court. According to the Washington Post, the Nationals accepted a Walgreens proposal to rename the team the Washington Walgreens for twelve games a year for the next ten seasons beginning in 2013. "We really like the 'W' we have on our uniforms," said Al Brinery, assistant to the traveling president. "We considered changing the logo but it just didn't work. We think it's a fair settlement." The national chain is now the official drugstore of the Nationals and four players--at the choosing of Walgreens--will appear in Walgreens television commercials for the next five years. In addition, two Nationals players must become actual pharmacists and spend time working the counter at D.C. metro Walgreens as a "cool promotion."

Monday, October 8, 2012

Historians confirm Columbus had 4th and 5th ships, which sadly sailed off edge of world

The Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria were fortunate enough to complete the arduous journey to the New World in 1492. The Sasha and the Steve unfortunately navigated using the wrong constellation, Orion's Suspenders, which cost them dearly.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Reid postgame comment directed at no one in particular: 'Eagles and Primanti Bros sandwich shop were founded in the same year: 1933'

The comment, randomly inserted into the middle of the postgame press conference, confused members of the media, players, and fans. The seven to ten seconds of dead silence that followed the aimless fact felt like an eternity. The coach, perspiring slightly more, continued answering questions about the very winnable 16-14 loss to the Steelers.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Unbelievable video of Manhattan office worker using scaffolding just above sidewalk as uneven parallel bars during lunch break goes viral

The event, which took place sometime last week, was captured on a late 90s-era camcorder and the VHS tape is rapidly being passed around to friends, family members, friends of family members, neighbors of friends, friends of friends, and friends of neighbors. 'It's really making the rounds.'

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Denver Presidential Debate: Political analysts unsure of altitude effect on moderator, candidates

Above: Governor Romney and President Obama agree on at least one thing, as they show the number five following the University of Denver Presidential Debate last night. They were  answering the question: What did debate moderator Jim Lehrer really mean when he said you had two minutes to respond to a question? "Jim meant five minutes when he said two minutes," said Romney and Obama at the same exact time. One political analysts said this: "There was a moderator?"

M.L.B. Wildcard: Finishing with same record, Orioles and Rangers flip coin for home-field advantage in one-game playoff to determine home-field advantage in one-game playoff

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Eagles' flagship merchandise store to begin selling spectator in-seat urination kits to ease strain on stadium's restrooms

The urination kits, made by Merck, will include tubing and a rubber bladder system (with Eagles logo) capable of storing two liters of the yellow stuff. Units can be emptied in the stadium seating area, concourse trash/recycling receptacles  or designated parking lots. The decision to sell the kit is part of the team's movement to become more green and sustainable, a commitment shown with solar and wind projects currently underway. The expected reduction in toilet flushing will save thousands of gallons of water every season, and help preserve the field view of fans subjected to frequently passing lavatory visitors. The Eagles will not comment on environmentalists' protests outlining the negative effects of introducing huge amounts of untreated sewage to the stadium floor, parking areas, and trash cans. However, the scientists unanimously agree the kits will help conserve the precious resource of water.

Nationals win N.L. East: City goes absolutely, er, D.C. Police put on high, er, Montreal fans take to streets ... because of N.H.L. lockout?