Thursday, June 26, 2014

World Cup: U.S. tennis great Andre Agassi embracing head coaching role with Chile

"I am grateful for the opportunity that the people of Chile have given me," said retired American tennis star Andre Agassi, current head coach of Chile's men's national soccer team. "[Chile] took a chance on a guy that knows nearly nothing about soccer. I mean, I know the whole 'don't use your hands thing.' The team has really embraced my idea of training while gripping a tennis racket. Yep, that's all we do is play tennis using a soccer ball. But, looking at our performance in this World Cup, I'd say it's working." 

Monday, June 23, 2014

World Cup: ESPN's new soccer ball cameras forcing television viewers to take motion sickness medication

Dramamine purchases every remaining commercial slot for conclusion of tournament. The sports network claims that if players were striking the eight-pound ball correctly, there would be "zero spin," and, thus, a "much more enjoyable experience for the home audience."

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Concert goers spend entire performance avoiding beach tag checkers at renovated, sandy Festival Pier

At one point during the concert the entire audience entered the Delaware River--scaling a chain link fence in the process--in an effort to avoid paying the $14/day beach tag cost. "I had to go to the bathroom anyway," said one reveler. 

Monday, June 9, 2014

Stanley Cup Final: Mark Messier guarantees a game four, not a victory, but just that a game four will be played

The former Rangers captain, who once promised a game six victory over the New Jersey Devils in the 1994 semi-finals, swears he made the guarantee 'before the series even started.'

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Budweiser Clydesdales (and full beer wagon) gracefully pulverize all eight jumps during Devon Horse Show exhibition

The full hitch has never completed a successful jump, but the crew "certainly loves to try each year." Budweiser covers the costs of all needed repairs.