Friday, December 30, 2011

Year in Review: Stamos, Galifianakis attempt to solve Greece's financial woes during drunken party conversation

Hollywood, CA--Comedian Zach Galifianakis and actor John Stamos talked for more than three hours at a party of a mutual friend in the Hollywood hills earlier this year about the economic crisis in Greece. The two were visibly intoxicated but fairly confident they solved the major financial issues plaguing the European country. "They talked for hours and were wildly animated at some points, but shook hands afterwards and really looked like they had gotten to the bottom of the problem for Greece. They even looked like they had come up with a solid plan for the country moving forward," said one anonymous partygoer.

Year in Review: bin Laden had stockpile of American snacks under compound

Washington, DC--The Navy SEALs that took down Osama bin Laden earlier this year claimed that the 54-year-old leader of al Qaeda was not armed when they swarmed the terrorist's compound with high tech military gadgets. This is true to a certain extent. Bin Laden may not have been armed with assault rifles, grenades or hand guns, but he was packing a different kind of killer ... a silent killer.

For a man that displayed a clear disdain for anything that represented the West, he had one unshakable habit that was clearly very American--almost too American.

"Bin Laden was addicted to American snack foods," said CIA agent Francis Cooke, a 30-year veteran of the agency. "We didn't learn this until [the day after the raid]. That's a serious breakdown in intelligence on our part. How did we not know that this guy was washing down Three Musketeer bars with Dr Pepper?"

Until May, it was common knowledge that the only western tradition that bin Laden cared for was soccer and the the World Cup. He was a huge European football fan and, based on photographs recovered from the compound (and a vuvuzela in the corner of his bedroom), attended several games in South Africa last summer. But his other passion--only known by a handful of his most trusted messengers--was Cool Ranch Doritos and all its salty, addicting relatives.

"Oh, once he popped he couldn't be stopped," said the manager of the only 7-eleven in Abbottabad, Pakistan, the town outside of Islamabad where bin Laden was discovered. "He only came in once, but he bought most of my inventory--every last can of Pringles, Cheetos, Bugles, Ritz Bits, everything. I'm assuming he had couriers come in during the other times. He was much taller than I thought he would be."

Below the compound was a tunnel leading to a safe house/underground bomb shelter with snack supplies to last roughly ten years. Bag after bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos, Pringles, Twinkies, Butterscotch Krimpets, Ruffles (ridged and plain), Devil Dogs, Cracklin' Oat Bran, cheddar popcorn and barbecue corn chips, to name a few.

"I think if we had known this disgusting little habit that he had going on we would have been onto him a long time ago," said Becky Sawchuk, a high-level CIA official. "When we found him he had orange fingers, but there was no bag in sight. Tests confirmed that he was chowing down on cheese curls just before our boys arrived."

The CIA confirmed that had bin Laden kept up these deplorable eating habits, the snacks themselves would have taken the terrorist out of commission within five years. "That is, had the SEALS not found him first" said Sawchuk.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

NHL Winter Classic: Players, coaches to sit in dugout during game; line changes to be very complicated

Philadelphia--Despite the baseball dugouts being more than 30 yards from the rink at Citizens Bank Park, the Rangers' and Flyers' players and coaches have all agreed to sit in the below-field level benches during the NHL Winter Classic on Monday. "The dugouts are far from the action but we wanted to honor the game of baseball during this great outdoor game," said Henrik Lundqvist, the Rangers' Swedish-born goaltender, who became overly embarrassed when he was informed that there was no such thing as a 'walk-off first down' in baseball (or any sport for that matter). Coaches will have to overextend their voice boxes (larynges) in order to communicate effectively with the athletes on the ice. Meanwhile, players making line changes will need to run or briskly walk more than 30 yards to the rink gate from the dugout on a rubber mat for each substitution. "It'll be exhausting, but I've aways wanted to visit the Phillies dugout," said James van Riemsdyk, Flyers' left winger from Middleton, NJ. "They should make a little ice path from the dugouts to the rink ... but I know they won't." The NHL may permit the two clubs to each use a golf cart to shuttle players back and forth from the dugout to the ice.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Year in Reveiw: Photo album confiscated at bin Laden compound reveals a very busy ten years

Above: Bin Laden, posing as an ice cream vendor, visited West Point, NY in 2004 where he made plans to build a concealed compound--identical to his Afghanistan compound--on the grounds of the United States Military Academy. His plan fell through, but bin Laden "thoroughly enjoyed [his] four days in this lovely little town that overlooks the Hudson River."

Above: Bin Laden attended the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. He wrote: "I attracted a lot of attention in the stadiums in Johannesburg and other cities. Lots of fans asked to pose with me saying that I looked like bin Laden. Lots of good football. Some hotty Dutch fans distracted me from cheering for North Korea."

Above: Winter in Niagara Falls, January 23, 2006. Bin Laden wrote on the back of the photo: "I had no idea that the Maid of the Mist didn't operate in the winter. What a disappointment. I was sad in the photo. But, the ice that forms from the mist on the railings made me the opposite of sad."

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Risky Phanatic appearance at Kim Jong-il viewing a huge hit

Above: The Phillie Phanatic makes a surprise appearance at the funeral of Kim Jong-il in Pyongyang, North Korea on Monday. The lovable green mascot greeted Kim Jong-un, the successor and son of Kim Jong-il, with his signature smooch and shirt over-the-head move. The new leader, and countless army generals watching, could only laugh at the Phanatic's antics. North Korea has been mourning the loss of their longtime ruler and so an anonymous member of Jong-il's staff felt the "fury green guy" could turn frowns upside down. Even the new leader was touched. "I was feeling really sad because my daddy had just passed away, and all the sudden this green guy, the great Phanatic, comes out of nowhere and gives me a big hug and kiss. A hug and kiss I so desperately needed," said Jong-un through and interpreter. "He didn't have to pull his shirt over my head because it messed up my hair. But, his heart was in the right place and it's one of his more popular moves."

Notes: The Phanatic's hot dog gun launcher was confiscated at the airport in Pyongyang and U.S. officials are mildly concerned that the technology could be copied and used for military purposes.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Year in Review: City tells Occupy 'there's a really cool park just down the street, honestly. Grab your gear and follow us, c'mon. It'll be great'

... where is that other park? It can't be much further. Oh, I remember, just a few more blocks. I am really turned around here. Let me just double check this map. This is really embarrassing. Do we have everybody? You know what, it might be back the other way. Oh, here it is ... cuff 'em boys.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Academy announces they will recognize North Korean people at upcoming Oscar ceremony

Los Angeles--Hollywood took notice of the acting taking place in Pyongyang yesterday and today after news of the death of Kim Jong-il, the country's longtime ruler, spread across North Korea. The Oscars would like to honor the citizens of the communist ruled country at their annual ceremony in February. "Obviously, we can't have any of [the North Korean residents] actually attend the awards, but we'll come up with a great little compilation of their classic 'mourning' scenes for our worldwide audience. Their acting needs to be recognized," said Gifford Benjamin, president of the Academy of Motion Pictures. "Like, the uncontrolled sobbing, how did they do that at such a high level? Crazy!"

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Nation's cheese supply likely to be interrupted this week

Kansas City, MO--The Packers lost their first game of the season today to the struggling Chiefs in cold Arrowhead Stadium. The dream of an undefeated season for the Pack--a forgone conclusion to almost every cheesehead throughout Wisconsin and the upper Midwest--is done. Why should a person eating a cheeseburger in, say, Flagstaff, AZ care about what transpired in Missouri today? Wisconsin produces over 70 percent of the nation's cheese; a place where dairy cows outnumber people 32 to one and 2.98 workers out of three are connected to the industry in some fashion. With today's heart-wrenching Packer loss there could be an interruption in production. "There's no way I'm making cheese this week," said Robert Tennen a die-hard Green Bay fan and Appleton, WI resident eating a small piece of cheese. "I can't even think about cheese today." Other fans/cheese workers echoed Tennen's feelings. "'Cheese!? You want me to wake up at 5 a.m. tomorrow, drive 25 minutes to the factory and make cheese? You got some nerve,'" said Gail Trudeau of WiscoCheese, jokingly rehearsing what she would say to her supervisor. "But seriously, I'm not making cheese tomorrow."

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Financial crisis: City to close all outdoor pools over the winter months

Philadelphia--In an effort to cut costs that will save the city millions of dollars, City Council voted unanimously on Friday to close all outdoor pools over the winter months for the first time in 30 years. "We can't afford to spend absurd amounts of taxpayer money to keep outdoor pools open during months of frigid temperatures and ice and snow," said Mayor Michael Nutter. "The pools were never used ... by anyone from December to March. It was silly to keep them open in the first place. Times have changed, we can no longer spend frivolously in an uncertain economic climate."

Report: Number of babies named Pippa hasn't changed