Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Area frogs looking forward to Leap Year

It only occurs once every four years but frogs around the world are highly anticipating the 2008 Leap Year. "It's a time for leaping and more leaping," croaked a frog found soaking up the afternoon sun yesterday on Philadelphia's lower Schuylkill River. For millennia frogs have celebrated the "Year of the Leap" in many different ways but one ritual has persisted: the leap. Known for their leaping in non-leap years one study shows that frogs increase leaping up to 75% during Leap Year. "It's quite fascinating the amount of leaping they do considering that the creatures are leapers to begin with," said Hank Sumtimton, a Keystone State University biologist. The frogs that Sumtimton studied were very quick to differentiate between leaping and jumping. "Ohhh.(laughing) Leaping is so different from jumping I don't want to even get into it," said one Delaware River frog.
Whatever the definition we know that the world will see an exponential increase in frog leaping during 2008 much like it did in 2004,2000 etc. As during previous Leap Years frog advocates have asked that high school biology classes consider dissecting lizards in 2008.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Boston ends new 2 year curse, wins 84 years early

Last night the Boston Red Sox ended the curse that plagued the franchise for two years. The original curse lasted eighty-six years and ended when the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004. The famous "Curse of the Bambino," claimed believers, was the result of Babe Ruth leaving for the rival New York Yankees. Ruth went on to become one of the greatest players of all time and an American icon.
Following the 2004 victory the Red Sox front office invited Bill Buckner, 1986 goat, to the World Series parade to "smooth things over." However, Buckner exited the WB Mason float and Fleet parade when his pet goat was refused entry. Before leaving Buckner had cursed the team again. "I curse this team to another 86 year drought," yelled Buckner at no one in particular.
Many believed the new curse when the Red Sox did not repeat as champions in 2005 and 2006. "Being that we hadn't won it in two years I knew the Buckner curse was in effect," said an excited Pat McSweeny, a fan from Leominster,Ma, "but not anymore." This time around the curse lasted only two years. Buckner's goat became a minor celebrity and media darling, when the Sox did not win in 2005, touring the country and guest speaking at many colleges. Someone from this year's parade crowd yelled,"Escape...goat." Huh?

Friday, October 26, 2007

Preparation for World Series uncovers original Coors Field plans

One of the major obstacles in bringing baseball to the Mile-High City was that it was...well, a mile high. Many experts believed that the ball would fly out of the stadium like a Tiger Woods tee shot because of the thin air.

Some called for a 600 ft center field with similar dimensions down the lines. Pitchers would never want to come to Denver and see their ERA's surpass the Rocky Mountains.

One engineering company, Roobarb,Mixy, and Rebar came up with a plan to combat the naysayers and to prove that baseball would work here. The plan was recently discovered, sealed in cardboard tubes, in the bowels of Coors Field while the team was sprucing up "every last corner of the place" in anticipation of the World Series.

Mookie Roobarb and his brother Rebar Roobarb were huge baseball fans and desperately wanted Major League Baseball to place a team in Denver, their home city. The plan called for the stadium to be built 5,280 feet below the streets of Denver. To all Europeans and other worshipers of the metric system that is equal to 1,760 yards.

"It would have been a domed stadium built a mile into the Earth's crust," said the janitor, Allen Storm, who found the plans.

Having the stadium built at sea level gave the city a much better chance of landing a franchise. Fans would journey into the ground by way of a combination of over 200 elevators and escalators. Escalator rides would have surpassed 45 minutes from surface to stadium.

Also in the plans was a 14 ft layer of concrete under the stadium to prevent scalding hot liquid magma and lava from entering the seating area.

The plan was never made public, but to those who did know about it considered it very dangerous and controversial. Roobarb, Mixy, and Rebar passed away in freak accidents when three separate bombs detonated while all three were attempting to start their vehicles. Investigators called the accidents "manufacturing glitches."

A teary-eyed Mill Wagner, close friend of the engineers, said,"I just wish that Roobarb, Mixy, and Rebar would have lived to see the World Series come to Denver. It really stinks that they died in such freak accidents."

Scheduling glitch unfortunatley has Sixers playing half their games at home in '07-'08

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Giant and big, Super duper jumbo jet has first commercial flight

The streets of Singapore were eerily silent today. Businesses and homes were empty and farms void of workers. Not a single car on the street. Where is everyone? 50,000 feet above. The entire population of Singapore is on the maiden voyage of Singapore Airline's new Airbus A380, now the world's largest passenger airplane. "We got every last citizen and some visitors on this plane, including inmates," said Ton Guang, Singapore's Minister of Air Travel Traveling. Guang would not give an exact number of passengers at first calling for the media to "guess how many we got on here." After almost 30 minutes of guessing Guang finally gave a number. The Minister asked not to have the number published for fear of penalties from the World and Global Air Safety Board. As for the amenities on board,"We got it all, do you hear me, we got personal cabins, bars, sofas, a putt putt course, but not snakes on a plane," said the jovial Guang.
"Everything about this plane is big," said one passenger. Tickets are 4 feet long by 1 foot wide. Soda cans hold one liter of soft drink. The movies during the flight, which includes a stop in Australia, include: "The Iron Giant," "My Giant," "Riding Giants," "Big" and every Singaporeans favorite cult hit "The Big Lebowski."

Monday, October 22, 2007

Movie Review: "Into the Wild"

After watching this intense and moving story I could not help but think of one movie: "The Goonies." The similarities between the two films are astounding. I could not confirm reports that director Sean Penn actually considered calling the movie "The Goonies 2." "Into the Wild" was missing a Chunk-type character(pictured), but other than that it was remarkable. The fact that gold and jewels play such a prominent role in both of the films was simply genius. Another similarity: both movies are also based on fact. Which made me curious as to why The Goonies left all of the gold and jewels behind. I mean it was all right there for them to take. If I ever met the famous gang that is the one question I would present. But if I had two questions the other would be: What would have been your explanation to people when you tried to change the gold and jewels into cash? People would have been asking lots of questions as to where all the treasure came from.

Friday, October 19, 2007

"Terror Behind the Walls" to offer diapers

The nationally ranked haunted house in Fairmount's Eastern State Penitentiary known as "Terror Behind the Walls" is looking out for its customers. The production will be setting up vending machines along the garden walls that line the south side of the former penitentiary. The machines will contain diapers for the adventurous guests that enter the fright fest. There will be two sizes of diapers-medium and large. "We tried to get a one-size-fits-all diaper but it was next to impossible," said Eastern State's director of sanitary control, Dana Gilly. The diapers will be $7.00 each and the machines will only take exact change in the form of dimes. If the $7.00 price tag seems steep there will be small mops available for $6.00, wet-naps offered at $3.00 and SOS pads for $1.00, also requiring dimes. "It's scary in there and there were some "issues" last year, then those "issues" turned into slippery walkways. We want a safe environment," said Gilly. Some performers have slipped in the "issues" making it difficult to frighten the "issues" out of people.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Rockies to practice in Australia

With so much time between playoff series the Colorado Rockies, this year's National League Champs, have decided to conduct their practice sessions in Sydney, Australia. The 9-day layoff is an MLB record for time off between playoff series. "Almost all of the players have never been to the land of pocketed, bouncing deer," said manager Clint Hurdle,"and with all this time we said 'what the heck.'" Most speculate that the trip will end up a sight seeing adventure/party with stops planned for Byron Bay, Nimbin, Alice Springs,Nimbin, Melbourne, Nimbin, Kakadu National Park and then returning to Nimbin. "The best part is that we'll get to see Nimbin," said a very happy and anonymous player.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Croce uses invention from 'American Inventor'

A former contestant/inventor on television's 'American Inventor' has claimed that Pat Croce stole his idea of "moving a house by using hundreds of midgets." Pat Croce hired almost 600 midgets last week to move his Ocean City, NJ home to a nearby lot to make room for his new home. "I presented the idea on the show and it was rejected, but I could tell that Mr. Croce liked the idea," said inventor, Carl Regent. "[Pat] claimed he didn't like it, but he had a look in his eye that told me he might take the idea for himself." Croce served as a judge on 'American Inventor' last season and was unable to be reached for comment.

Obituary: Man who invented twist tie dies

Yesterday, at 104 years old, George Hinson passed away from natural causes in his Ft Washington, PA estate. Hinson is most well remembered for his contribution to the bag sealing industry.

In 1923, at the age of 20, Hinson came up with the idea for the twist tie after he twisted his ankle in a game of bouncy bouncy wall ball, a popular Philadelphia-area street game.

In a 1989, interview Hinson noted,"We needed something to keep those darn bread bags closed so the air wouldn't get in and the bread wouldn't get out."

On that warm summer day just after he had twisted his ankle the idea hit him that "a wire coated in a smooth material could be twisted around the opening of a bread bag and then untwisted and then twisted again." Before the twist tie vines and cat tails had been used to keep bags closed.

His great grandson Dale said he spoke to his ailing great grandfather on Saturday and the senior couldn't believe that the twist tie was "still going strong." Dale laughed,"Grandpa said he thought that by now one would be able to keep bags closed with e-mail." Obviously, George Hinson was losing his mind. The twist tie fortune will be left to his surviving relatives with a small portion going to the Bouncy Bouncy Wall Ball Federation.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Super Jumbo jet lands, sinks Singapore

An Airbus A380 jet landed in Singapore yesterday, with enormous fanfare, completing the company's first delivery of the plane that has been plagued by numerous delays. Shortly after the giant jet landed at the airport of this tiny Asian nation the island began to sink into the sea. After about forty-five minutes the entire island was submerged under four to five feet of water. "We may have misjudged the weight of the plane," said Jaque Gorrier, an Airbus Jet Weight Specialist.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Rockies celebrate...a little too early

The Colorado Rockies won the third game of the NLCS last night giving them a 3-0 lead in the series and setting off a wild celebration. After the 4-1 victory over the Arizona Diamondbacks the Rockies rushed the field piling on one another and dumping Gatorade and champagne on each other. Fans joined in the party by hugging strangers in adjacent seats and high-fiving Coors' Field security guards and Denver Police Officers. The on-field party slowly came to an end when a representative from Major League Baseball pulled Rockies Manager Clint Hurdle aside to inform him that the series is a best-of-seven and not a best-of-five. Hurdle, appearing very embarrassed began to spread the word to his jubilant players. "We really thought that it was a five game series," said Matt Holliday, Rockies outfielder. Many players exited the field with hands covering their faces.
The stadium public address announcer told the crowd that this was not a series clinching victory and that one more was needed to solidify the team's first ever trip to the World Series. The disbelief permeated quickly through the crowd causing some to weep and others to claim they had something in their eye. "We're a football town all the way, Broncos, Broncos, Broncos so we should be forgiven for this." said Frank Smits, of Boulder, CO. He went on ask if the NLCS has always been a seven game series.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Dry weather forces Elves to bake outside of tree

The Keebler Elves have been forced to make cookies outside of their tree-kitchen due to the dry weather that has descended upon southeastern Pennsylvania. Having an oven inside a tree has always been questioned by NBSC(National Board of Safety in Cooking), but adding the dry conditions forced the organization to step in. "We asked the elves to bake outside until the area has received sufficient rainfall," said Megan Hagginson, NBSC Vice President. The tree, located in Fairmount Park, has been under the watch of the NBSC recently due to failing a smoke detector inspection in August. "But we bake great cookies," said one of the elves.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Fire pole accident ruins marketing stunt for Dubai Tower

Yesterday, the still-rising Burj Dubai Tower, in Dubai, UAE, conducted a highly unusual and dangerous marketing stunt with the world's longest fireman's pole slide.

The 1,885 ft tower--which will eventually terminate at around 2,700 ft--now the world's tallest structure, features a 1,883 ft fireman's pole that runs directly down the center of the building. The Burj pole obliterated the previously held record by more than 1800 ft.

The opening ceremony called for a UAE-trained stuntman to negotiate the 1883 feet non-stop to the building's lobby where he would be met with fireworks, candy and cake.

At the last minute, however, the stuntman was replaced with a tower construction worker for unknown reasons. The slide, expected to take 40 minutes, would make it into the book of records when completed.

After commencing, the inexperienced construction worker quickly reached a speed of 75mph creating intense frictional heat. Workers on every floor sensed trouble and began dousing the man with water as he screeched by.

The heat was too overpowering and soon set the man afire. By the 50th floor he was engulfed in flames. By the 30th floor the man had fallen victim to the heat and fire. By the 20th floor he looked like a comet. And by the time he reached the lobby he was a charred, unrecognizable carcass startling the party goers.

"We didn't know the heat would reach that level, the smell was horrific," said a sullen Jimmy Mustafa, a tower representative. "We think he passed away somewhere between the 30th and 25th floors and the poor guy just kept hanging on."

Stuntman Tommy Ali noted,"I had a feeling that would happen."

Monday, October 8, 2007

'Buddies of Fitler Square' have messege

The 'Buddies of Fitler Square', an organization that helps maintain the square, have a a message for the residents living nearby: Please stop feeding the bronze ram at the east end of the park. The ram has decided to make his home in the square much to the dismay of the 'Buddies.' "The ram will not leave unless the good people that frequent the park stop feeding it," said Jessica Morgans, a member of the 'Buddies' that wants the ram to leave. Often on Saturday mornings the ram is treated to the many fruits and vegetables that are offered at the Fitler Square Farmers Market on the east sidewalk. Recently several 'Buddies' have kept watch to make sure the Farmer's market workers do not feed the ram leftovers. The groups' primary reason for the removal of the 'beast?' "The droppings, plain and simple, it's a mess. My children come home with ram poopy on their sneakers, it's quite foul," said Morgans.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Study: Breast cancer 3-day actually takes 4 days

Rockies to rename stadium: Coors Cutter Field

The Colorado Rockies have announced that Coors Field, the team's home, will be renamed beginning with tonight's game. The park will now be known as Coors Cutter Field after the non-alcoholic beer the company produces. The change is being made to to reestablish the product in today's market. "The Cutter had a great run in the late 80's and early 90's, we want the Cutter to be our top selling non-alcoholic drink," said Jimmy John Coors, a Coors rep. Tonight's game between the Rockies and Phillies will feature only sales of soft drinks and Coors Cutters. Even though the drink contains no alcohol Colorado state law will still only permit customers to purchase two at a time. Some Cutter experts have stated that the Cutter-only sales were a means to keep visiting rabid Phillies fans in check. One Rockies' employee, who wanted to remain anonymous, said,"Please, I want to remain anonymous." The Rockies will be filling their giant Gatorade coolers with Coors Cutter to also promote the drink.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Phils to allow bicycles into seating area

The Phillies announced that during the NLDS the team will allow fans, who have forgotten bicycle locks or find full bike racks, to bring their bikes into the seating areas. The team is experiencing record crowds this postseason, yesterday saw the second largest crowd ever at Citizens Bank Park. "We underestimated the number of bike racks that were needed for such large crowds," said Carolyn Baker, head of Phillies Bicycle Relations Division. Many fans from yesterday's crowd decided to pedal to the game for various reasons, which filled the few racks around the stadium very quickly. "There were calls coming in all afternoon from disgruntled fans demanding a place to lock their bikes," said Sinthia Crawfin, a ticket saleswoman for the Phils.
Because of this the Phillies are allowing bikes to be brought into, not only the stadium, but the seating area. "Fans can bring the bikes to their seats, which will clog up the aisle, but it will make the fan feel much better," said Baker.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

TBS to show Braves highlights during playoff coverage

This year is the first year that TBS or Turner Broadcasting Network is covering the MLB Playoffs. The network is home to the Atlanta Braves during the regular season and jumped at the opportunity to continue its baseball coverage into October. Though the Braves did not make the postseason the network will air Braves highlights from the 2007 season during this year's playoff coverage. "Going to or coming back from commercial break you might see Chipper Jones hitting one of his many homers," said Carl Howering, TBS spokesman. The network may even interrupt the NLDS or ALDS to bring the viewers at home a John Smoltz fastball that blew the opposing batter away. "Don't get me wrong, the teams that are in the playoffs now are very important, but we still want to market the Braves as a national product," said Howering. The playoff broadcast team will consist of mostly current Atlanta Braves players, even though very few have on-air experience.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Corrupt scalpers to wear the scarlet sentences

With the Phillies playoff tickets selling out in -30 seconds(that's negative) officials turn their attention to the scores of fake tickets that will flood the market over the next few days. These imposters are very difficult to detect and can lead to a very disappointing day at the park. City and team officials have held several meetings to determine the best way to address the problem. "We've come up with what we feel will solve the problem," said Donna Thompson, a scalping expert from Drexel University's School of Scalping Prevention.
The city will make all corrupt scalpers wear a t-shirt that reads: "The Tickets I am about to sell you are fake. Please walk away. Go Phils." Fans are urged to look for the bright green shirts before making any transactions. The city gave out over 200 of the "warning shirts," but many of the dishonest scalpers complained about the colors. "We were not going to stray from bright green with black lettering, but we decided that they would be permitted to decorate the back as they wished," said Thompson.
The 2008 Phillies season will see a major advance in protecting consumers from fraudulent tickets. The Phillies and GE will launch the first "singing tickets." Almost impossible to duplicate these tickets will feature "Boyz ll Men" singing one line,"These tickets are authentic, ba da ba ba" when a small button on the ticket is pressed.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Mountains or beach(the shore)? Mile high or .0004 mile high

The Phillies await the result of tonight's Padres/Rockies tilt to determine their next opponent for Wednesday's highly anticipated playoff game. San Diego or Denver? California or Colorado? West Coast or a bit east of the West Coast? The Phillies seem to be split on which team they want to play. Surprisingly, almost all of the players were not at all concerned about the other team's personnel, but the recreational opportunities offered by their cities. "I'm a beach guy,"said Geoff Geary, Phillies pitcher. Geary admitted that the altitude of Denver made him see 3 catchers the last time he pitched there. Michael Bourne, a native Texan said,"Surprisingly I'm more of a mountains guy, I was born with an extra half lung and so I welcome the challenges that come with altitude." In the 2002 off-season Jose Mesa climbed both K2 and Mt. Everest(pictured) in the same week, but prefers the beach this week because "I've done the mountain thing."