Monday, December 31, 2012

Year in Review: Matt Lauer callously uses simple knock-knock joke to fire co-anchor Ann Curry live on Today Show

New York--Lauer, fighting back laughter, told his co-anchor on live television that there is no crying in the morning talk/news show business, but later admitted this was simply an attempt to "cheer Curry up." After the public dismissal, where things got very uncomfortable when Curry became visibly upset over having to leave the show, Lauer looked directly into the camera and heartlessly, in a somewhat somber tone, said: "We'll be right back with an all new recipe for turning stale bagels ... into healthy snacks for your kids. A pretty great little recipe. We'll be right back." It is widely believed that the Curry firing resulted from the Today Show dropping from the number one morning show position in the ratings race.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Study: Countdown pedestrian crossing signals making better New Year's Eve planners out of all of us

You're ten, maybe twelve yards away from the intersection and the race is on. The countdown crossing signal is taunting you: ten, nine, eight. You break into a jog. You didn't want to go there but you had to. Seven, six, five--this is gonna be close, as the jog may not be enough. Four, three, two--by the way, have I made plans for New Year's Eve yet? One--damn, I missed the light and I really don't think I've secured New Year's plans and tomorrow is already the the Fourth of July.

The evidence is clear, countdown crossing signals, besides making pedestrians safer, have made foot travelers better prepared for welcoming in the New Year than ever before.

Urban planners admit that the latter result was very much unintended. Countdown signals were designed to replace the blinking hand, once considered revolutionary pedestrian crossing technology, which warned pedestrians to slow up, but, really was unable to clearly indicate when the blinking hand would become the solid hand (a stop sign). The blinking hand technology stranded millions in the middle of dangerous intersections worldwide.

"The countdown crosswalk has really done for street crossing safety what the parachute did for skydiving safety," said Thomas Baker, an urban planner in Queens, New York City. Baker helped develop the countdown signal during his time at Slow Technologies, Inc, a now-defunct transportation technology firm from Nassau County, NY, in the early 2000s. Baker and a coworker continued developing the device on their own after leaving SlowTech.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Year in Review: E.U. wins Nobel Prize for developing vending machine that accepts all 27 members' coins

"It's simply remarkable that a single vending machine can accept that many different coins," said Thorbjørn Jagland, the chairman of Norway's Nobel Committee. "I mean, talk about advocating peace. I can't tell you how frustrated I would become when my Austrian coins would not work in France, or Italian coins in Belgium. All twenty-seven E.U. members pitched in to make this happen. The machines even accept Norwegian coins and we're not even in the E.U. Congratulations on a job well done, you deserve it."

Friday, December 21, 2012

Fiscal Cliff: Obama, Boehner censure members of Congress for wearing 'insensitive' Clifford, flying squirrel costumes

"This is a serious situation and the multiple members of Congress who showed up donning Clifford the Big Red Dog costumes and flying squirrel costumes should be ashamed," said a very stern President Obama. "Besides, these were very weak attempts to mock the 'Cliff' facing our great country."

Friday, December 14, 2012

Year in Review: MTA workers free whale from flooded NYC Subway tunnel 3 weeks after Sandy hits

New York City--Marine biologists called it a miracle when, on the day before Thanksgiving, transit workers freed SoFe the whale (named after the South Ferry subway station and pronounced Sophie) from a NYC subway tunnel via crane. It is believed that the record storm surge brought on by Hurricane Sandy carried SoFe into the station entrance, then the confused and frightened mammal attempted to swim down in order to escape trouble, where she became trapped inside the subway tunnel. Workers discovered SoFe on November 1, 2012, while pumping out the water from the submerged tracks. "I was connecting several hoses near the waters edge when I saw this huge mass moving toward me," said Brian McDevon, an MTA maintenance engineer. "I screamed, then SoFe let out a big blow. She was very friendly." It took whale specialists, engineers, and marine biologists nearly three weeks to free the whale because of her large size and unstable condition. "She was banged up a bit swimming down the stairs and she also had some turnstile scuff marks. She needed rest and time to recover before being moved," said McDevon. Workers provided SoFe great care during her time spent in the subway. And, residents from the surrounding neighborhoods of Lower Manhattan brought a variety of plankton-based dishes to feed her and help sustain her blubber before being released into the Atlantic Ocean on Thanksgiving Day.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

NBA saves Winter Classic: Raptors to play Pistons outdoors at Michigan Stadium on New Year's Day

Detroit, MI--The two cities originally slated for the NHL's cancelled January 1st Winter Classic, Toronto and Detroit, will now have their respective NBA teams, the Raptors and Pistons, attempt to play an outdoor basketball game in front of more than 100,000 fans at Michigan Stadium in Ann Arbor. NBA commissioner David Stern denies the move is "kicking hockey when it's down," but instead argues the game is giving NHL fans a chance to "become better NBA fans and leave hockey for good." Because of legal reasons, the NBA cannot refer to the match up as the Winter Classic, but, after careful research and market testing, has decided to name the spectacle the Cold Weather Classic. (The other name finalist: The Colder Season Between Fall and Spring Classic.) The Pistons and Raptors have a combined eleven wins this season, but holding the game between two bad teams outside, in possible snow and wind, is expected to sell plenty of tickets.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Year in Review: Security cameras capture dramatic image of commuter hopping turnstile at PATH transit station

Port Authority Police never caught the individual "who so flagrantly and mockingly violated transit rules to save a lousy couple of bucks," and continue to ask the public to provide any information leading to an arrest.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Twelve minute flight: Wanting to keep with road game routine, Ravens to fly from Baltimore to D.C. for contest against Redskins

Owing Mills, MD--John Harbaugh, like most N.F.L. head coaches, is a creature of habit and, well, a bit superstitious. For example, the Baltimore Ravens leader always drives on the right side of the road, wears the same shirt on gameday, uses the same plate for every meal (yes, he takes it with him), and only uses the up escalator to go down.

So it really should be no surprise that the former Eagles special teams general wants to fly from Baltimore to next door neighbor Washington, D.C., for this week's game against the 'Skins. The U.S. capital and Charm City are separated by only 30 miles.

Why? Simply to keep with routine and superstition. "Every road game for us involves a bus, an airport, and a flight. This year we flew to Philly and now we're gonna fly to D.C.," said a stone-faced Harbaugh, seemingly oblivious to the absurdity of the air travel. "I want my players to keep with routine. It really boils down to a routine thing." The flight from Baltimore to D.C. will last twelve minutes.

There is a precedent for such short, bizarre air trips in the N.F.L. In 2011, the Giants, who share MetLife Stadium with the Jets, were designated the road team in their contest against their Meadowlands roommates during a week 16 matchup. Tom Coughlin had the club meet at the practice facility, then board a bus to Newark Liberty International Airport, then had the pilot circle the airport for fifteen minutes before landing back at Newark and driving to the stadium for the game against the Jets. (The Giants prevailed 29-14.) That is sticking to routine.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Toilet paper orientation: over or under? Sign sparks heated debate, confrontation in stands

Above: A disgruntled Eagles fan, who is also a proponent of the over method of toilet paper dispensing, demonstrates his displeasure for the team's putrid season at last Monday's nationally televised game against the Panthers. The sign also taught the fan a lot about the green-clad supporters around him. "I'm definitely an over guy when it comes to toilet paper," said the fan who declined to give his name. "I was very surprised at the reaction from my fellow backers. I've been sitting in this section since the stadium opened in 2003, and I go back years with these guys to Veterans Stadium. We go to the shore together, family functions, you name it. I thought I knew them. So I was shocked by how many were under method toilet paper guys. Those bastards razzed me the entire game about it, we had to be separated. For the record--and I love those guys to death--anyone who uses the under method is an a$$hole. Sorry, it's true."

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Fallout continues after Joe Buck caught making out with Skycam before, after N.F.L. game

New York City--Fox Sports N.F.L. announcer Joe Buck emphatically denies the incident at the 25-yard line in Detroit's Ford Field last week--despite clear video evidence (yes, from Skycam itself) proving otherwise--saying he's never been a "big fan" of the camera on cables. Fox has suspended Buck and is demanding a direct apology to the network, league, and camera, before being reinstated to the booth. Also, in a very related story, the Fox Robot has asked for an extended leave of absence. Skycam and the Fox Robot were reportedly together, frequently spotted in public, despite the camera's elaborate, confining cable system. Quite often, the two were seen just outside of a restaurant or movie theater, seldom inside ... anywhere.

Monday, November 19, 2012

High percentage of everything bagel toppings dislodged during bumpy bike ride home from store

Old City, Philadelphia--Kyle Dyson looks forward to his everything bagels on most weekend mornings, sometimes used to make an egg sandwich or sometimes smothered in cream cheese. Most of the time the middle school math teacher and father of two walks to the nearby coffee shop, but on Saturday he happened to be passing a Whole Foods Market on his bike and decided to make a quick stop for muffins and bagels. The decision to transport the breakfast treats a greater distance in a store paper bag hanging from the handlebars proved costly. "It was a windy morning and the bag kept blowing against the bike. I mean, over and over. Also, my tires had direct hits with potholes, sewer covers, and trolley tracks, it was bad. I just shook my head knowing that most of the mouthwatering toppings that make an everything bagel so good were now at the bottom of the bag," said Dyson, who admitted he should have just purchased a plain bagel because that's basically what he ended up with anyway. "At home, I gathered the loose toppings, lightly wet the bagel, and sprinkled, hoping they would stick. It didn't work."

Friday, November 16, 2012

Attempt to go green turns red: Budweiser Clydesdales crushed to death pulling NJ Transit's RiverLine

The transit agency and the macro brewery agreed not to hold the sustainability awareness promotion again after all eight horses were run over by the massive rail car while attempting to negotiate a slight downhill grade.
Glue made from the horses will be used to make the needed minor repairs to the passenger rail car. "They are strong horses but not very fast," said one passenger.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Remaining Marlins change team meeting spot from exclusive South Beach restaurant to Doral, FL, Applebee's

Doral, FL--After a blockbuster trade sent the Miami Marlins' highest paid players to Toronto on Tuesday, those left behind in Florida decided to hold a team meeting in order to gauge overall morale. The gathering was originally planned for Prime One Twelve, a high-priced steakhouse on Ocean Drive in ritzy South Beach that the underperforming team visited often over the long, hot 2012 summer. In fact, the high-end establishment was a favorite of the players that now find themselves on the Blue Jays and who would "almost always" pick up the tab during these expensive outings. For this reason--most likely--the team changed yesterday's meeting spot from South Beach to the Applebee's west of downtown and out past the airport. "I can't believe we're eating out by the airport. 2013 is gonna be a lot different," said one Marlin on condition of anonymity.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Romney blaming loss on extensive campaigning in Canada

Above: The Canada delegation poses at the Republican National Convention in Tampa, FL, in August. Though not part of the United States, the maple leaf nation attends both the Democratic and Republican conventions every four years. Canada's appearance at the RNC grossly misled the Romney camp, who then reshaped their entire strategy on winning the electoral votes from north of the border. The former Massachusetts governor spent nearly all of October traveling between Toronto, Montreal, Winnipeg, Vancouver, Quebec City, Ottawa, Calgary, Saskatoon, and many small towns in between. "It was a population thing," said a very frustrated Romney. "Canada has 34 million people and California has almost 38 million people. The Sunshine state has fifty-five electoral votes, so, though we never totally researched it, we assumed Canada would have a similar number of votes, somewhere in the neighborhood of fifty. They don't. In fact, they don't have any electoral votes, despite their presence at the Convention. It was very, very misleading, I don't get it. It's not right."

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Petraeus: 'I had myself followed, I tapped my own phone. I knew I was up to something and I was going to find out what.'

College basketball game to be played inside aircraft carrier

Charleston, S.C.--In an attempt to "out-do" last year's Carrier Classic, a college basketball game played on the deck of an aircraft carrier, the N.C.A.A. has decided to hold this season's game inside the massive, yet very cramped, U.S.S. Yorktown. "Anybody can set up bleachers and a court on the deck of a ship," said Sara Cartwright, the N.C.A.A.'s director of marketing. "But, try playing the game two decks below with the same number of spectators looking on. It's a definitely a challenge. but we love challenges." Because of the tight quarters, some of the ground rules during the game include: bunks are considered in play, low-hanging ducts or pipes are out of play, and dribbling is optional in the mess hall. Also, because the baskets will only be set seven feet off the floor, dunking is not allowed and shots must bounce off the floor before going through the rim. "We are still debating whether or not dribbling will be optional during the entire game."


Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Election 2012: Local resident very disappointed after forgetting free donuts not part of voting process

"I pushed aside the blue curtains of the voting booth, mouth watering, trying to decide in my mind between powdered sugar or glazed, looked at all the tables, looked again, and saw no donuts. Anywhere! I mean, there wasn't even a box of munchkins. Really, no munchkins? C'mon now."

Monday, November 5, 2012

N.H.L Lockout: Should out-of-work Zamboni drivers be operating school buses during work stoppage?

New York--The N.H.L. lockout continues to drag on, threatening the 2012-'13 season and economically impacting thousands. The trickle-down effect of the labor dispute has put players, coaches, officials, cotton candy vendors, concession stand workers, security guards, agents, parking attendants, and even Zamboni drivers out of work or has dramatically reduced working hours.

Zamboni drivers. What does an N.H.L. Zamboni driver do when there is no need for Zamobi-ing-ing?

Cliff Cargill, the Zamboni driver for the Flyers for the past eighteen years, has been out of pro hockey work since the lockout began. Fortunately, he has been able to make up for a few of his lost hours on the Wells Fargo Center ice with a part-time job on week nights driving the Zamboni at Gary's Ice Rink & Roll in Lansdowne, Pa, a venue catering to peewee ice hockey games during the week and roller skating on the weekends. (Yes, the patrons attempt to roller skate on ice. It is quite the sight and worth the $20 entrance fee.)

However, most of Cargill's income during the unscheduled break comes from driving a school bus for the School District of Philadelphia.

There's a slight problem, though. Cargill, 53, a South Philadelphia native who has been without a car since he was 20-years-old, has also been without a valid driver's license since that time, too. So, how on earth is Cargill driving a school bus filled with young children?

"Cliff has been a model driver for the District for the past two months," said Dana Halpert, the District's assistant superintendent managing director. "His background is driving on ice, which probably makes him overqualified for the position. Neither Cliff nor the District has committed any wrong doing, as a Zamboni license is an acceptable document verifying proficiency in operating a motor vehicle."

That is correct. The public transit- and bicycle-dependent Cargill, who has not driven an automobile in nearly thirty-three years, secured the bus driving job with a Zamboni license. A Zamboni license! The district was dangerously short on drivers this school year and allowed Cargill to use the "ice license" in place of an automobile license, which is permitted by the District and by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

It must be noted that Zamboni licenses are not distributed in cereal boxes or found at the bottom of Pringles cans, as the process to certification is rigorous and must be renewed every eighteen months at the Zamboni Academy and Research Institute in Toronto, Canada. The initial exam consists of an intense ten-hour multiple choice, essay, and short-answer computer test, followed by a six-hour behind-the-wheel hands-on test. The renewal is five hours and three hours, respectively.

Nonetheless, Cargill has not driven a vehicle on the road for quite some time and there are differences--like, the difference between eastern Washington state apples and western Washington state apples--from driving the ice smoothing machine.

"I can do circles no problem," laughed the father of three, who literally drove a bus in circles in the vast parking lots at the South Philadelphia Sports Complex to prepare for the job. "My bus route is mostly circular, but when I have to make a right and then a left--or vice versa--I get somewhat disoriented. But, I'm working on that."

Cargill also says he gets very anxious and disappointed when he drives over pot holes with the bus, looks in the rear-view or side-view mirror, and sees that the pot hole is still there. "That's one part of the job I don't think I'll ever get used to. The Zamboni takes care of all ice 'pot holes.'"

Parents of the school children riding the bus have, for the most part, supported the driver despite the lack of hours behind the wheel of the big yellow bus. "I'm a big Flyers fan, I mean, huge. I have all orange and black in my row house windows. So, if I get to tell my friends and family that the Zamboni driver for the Flyers takes my kid to school, than I'm not too concerned about what kind of experience he's got," said Donna Scioli of Shunk Street, wearing an autographed Jaromir Jagr jersey.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

World Series: Giants fans attempting to kayak from McCovey Cove to Detroit in time for Game 4 just passing under Golden Gate Bridge

The Golden Gate, CA--Seven diehard Giants fans attempting to kayak from San Francisco to Detroit via the Pacific Ocean, Panama Canal, Caribbean Sea, Atlantic Ocean, St Lawrence River, and two Great Lakes, admit they egregiously misjudged the time frame of the perilous voyage.

"We were kayaking in McCovey Cove for Games 1 and 2, and after the final out of that second game, we just decided to start paddling for Detroit. We were definitely drunk--wasted, actually--but we thought we had a real chance to make it by Game 4. We concluded very quickly that making Game 3 was out of the question. But, if we buckled down and didn't stop to go to the bathroom and stuff like that, then we could attend Game 4 in Michigan."

Haphazardly, the seven 30-somethings, who all met at the University of San Francisco, declined to purchase any supplies for the trip, only taking the eight beers and half bag of Cheetos secured in a floating cooler trailing one of the personal watercraft on a five-foot piece of tangled fishing line. They pledged to "live off what the sea provided." Three of the seven men did not have paddles and one "kayak" was simply a series of straps and large bread bag ties connecting 12 life jackets together.

After incorrectly taking a right (south), at the entrance to McCovey Cove following the game, the group righted course and headed north in San Francisco Bay, finally passed under the famous bridge this morning where they unanimously agreed to terminate the voyage, dry their orange sweatpants, and head to the closest Johnny Rockets.

"That's a freakin' long trip, dude," said Silicon Valley employee, Brett Smith. "I looked at a map when I got back to my place, and that is, like, a ridiculously long trip. I don't know what we were thinking. We missed out on the win and the celebration. What can I say, we had an awful lot of beers in the Cove."

The Giants completed a World Series sweep on Sunday night in the Motor City, while seven of their fans took nearly four days to kayak what should have been nine miles and a 3-4 hour trek.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Gov Christie reluctantly heeds weather experts' advice: will not fly into center of storm, eat it

Above: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie flashes the number three to members of the media gathered in Trenton this morning. The Governor was outlining the three items he needed to devour Hurricane Sandy and prevent billions of dollars in damage: a bottle of ketchup, a straw, and a large spork. "The National Hurricane Center has pleaded that I do not attempt such a dangerous--yet very worthy--mission for the Garden State, and I have given in to their warnings. Prepare for major wind, rain, and surge."

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Hurricane Sandy: Four new possible tracks revealing 'one crazy-ass storm'

Local meteorologists predicting storm could 'do whatever the hell it wants,' maybe hit Chicago, Seattle, Newfoundland, Iowa or follow precisely along the Pennsylvania border.
Below: Storm could follow Pa. border, including the Erie County "chimney." Above: Storm could appear inebriated.

Hurricane Sandy: Keebler pulls Pecan Sandies tv ad making light of approaching severe storm

The 30-second spot shows the elves boarding up their treehouse in anticipation of the storm and emphatically stating six times in unison: 'If we keep eating Keebler Pecan Sandies, we should all be okay.'

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Scary music greeting Terror Behind the Walls visitors actually a warning about ticks

Philadelphia--If you've attended Terror Behind the Walls in Philadelphia, one of the country's largest and most highly-rated haunted houses, then you've heard the creepy, spine-tingling music blaring over the sidewalk loudspeakers meant to set the tone before thrillseekers enter the iconic and imposing stone penitentiary: "Tic ... tic ... tic ... tic ... tic." The slow, drawn-out "tics," (and intentionally omitting the tocs) repeated over and over on an endless loop and changing in pitch and rhythm with eerie background creaks and squeaks were thought to be part of the show--a critical part, even. That is, at least, what most people thought. However, Eastern State Penitentiary (E.S.P.), organizers of the event which doubles as its main fundraiser, says the music is really a warning to patrons to check for ticks before and after their visit. "There are beautiful gardens lining the historic landmark, and waiting visitors line up right next to them," said Dan Reilly, assistant director at E.S.P. "Just because our gardens are exquisite doesn't mean they don't have ticks. We play the "Tic" song to remind people to check for ticks and prevent Lyme disease, it's not supposed to be a scary song. Really. We want everyone to enjoy their time at Eastern State, and that means a tick-free experience."

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Report: Hesitant to completely sever ties with troubled cyclist, Livestrong to be renamed the Armstrong Foundation

Above: The popular yellow Livestrong (a division of Fibstrong) wristband given to donors of the nonprofit. Following the Lance Armstrong doping scandal, many donors are finding that the wristband packaging fine print is correct: once on a wrist they cannot ever be removed, as they are flame and cut resistant.

Debate: Romney: 'Would I use Doan's in Pakistan? Absolutely, if I had severe back pain while traveling there. Hell, I would use it here.'

Monday, October 22, 2012

M.L.B.: Beginning in 2014, spring training records to determine home-field advantage in N.L.C.S., A.L.C.S.

Commissioner Bud Selig loves what he did for Major League Baseball's all-star game back in 2003, when he awarded the winner of the mid-summer classic home-field advantage in the World Series. (A scene from that 2003 contest, incidentally, is the background photo on Selig's Facebook page.)

The move aimed to give more meaning to a game that lacked, well, any significance at all. Multi-million dollar players risking injury for an in-season exhibition game seemed ludicrous (mostly to owners?). Why not attach something valuable to the end result? The reviews have been mixed, but the updated version is definitely managed and played with (slightly?) more urgency.

Now, the good commissioner is about to leave another mark that may not go over as well. In fact, most have likened it to a skid mark, but not the kind left on asphalt from a locked Michelin. Spring training games, those lackluster contests filling the third month of the calendar year played in the shadows of palm trees and cacti, will now "have meaning."

These winter games played far away from home cities and stadiums, and often further from the average fan's awareness, will now determine home-field advantage in the A.L.C.S. and the N.L.C.S. The only round of the playoffs that uses regular season records in awarding home-field advantage will now be the divisional series and the single game between the wild card teams.

Once the four slots in the league championships series are set, spring training records will then be used to determine home-field advantage. For example, the best division winner during the year may be playing the worst division winner, but the latter can now have four out of seven games in their home park simply because they fashioned a better spring training record.

If the two teams had identical records in March, head to head spring records act as the tie-breaker. The next tie breaker is the capacity of the spring training stadium.

"Fans spend lots of their hard earned money to travel to Florida and Arizona to see their favorite team during spring training. Flights, hotels, meals ... and we're putting split squads out there? Give me a break. Shouldn't the games have more at stake?" said a fiery Selig. "I mean, split squads for Christ's sake."

Some have spoken up against the move. "With all due respect, the Commissioner is devaluing the regular season ... again," said one player on condition of anonymity. "It's really remarkable what is happening. Spring training is practice, so let it be practice."

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Debate: Obama apologizes for odd 'David Hassel-Hofstra University' comment, but declines to elaborate

Political analysts feel Obama was attempting a lighthearted joke to sway undecided German-American voters. However, the quip only confused the town-hall audience and home viewers, as there is no connection between the actor and the university.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Romney addresses 'binders full of women' comment made during debate: 'I misspoke. They were not regular three-ring binders, but were custom-designed business Trapper Keepers'

The former Massachusetts governor was very embarrassed over the strange comment. "I think I gave the impression that I used normal 3-ring binders to hold the lists and lists of women I have. That sounds really creepy. Gives me the shivers. No, I meant to say Trapper Keepers full of women. No way do I use regular 3-ring binders. Please, believe me when I say that I keep my lists and lists of women in Trapper Keepers."

M. Night Shyamalan mum on inspiration behind latest film

The award-winning film director and writer would only say that he keeps a 12" X 12" portrait of the inspiration on his custom-made screenwriting desk. 'I'm not easily spooked, but this thing gets me every time I sit down to work. It's great.'

Monday, October 15, 2012

Castillo feels tackling quarterback behind line of scrimmage should be separate statistic, have own name

The Eagles' defensive coordinator feels the rare backfield accomplishment deserves a catchy moniker worthy of its difficulty, for example: splat, satchel, backpack, kablammo, squash, bag, suitcase, shazam, or, perhaps, sack. 'He finished the season with two kablammos,' said one Eagle. 'I like the sound of that--not the two part, though.'

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Double 'party' hot tubs on stage dramatically boost Biden-Ryan television debate ratings

Above: Two "party" (bi-party-san?) hot tubs placed stage right and stage left during the Biden-Ryan Vice Presidential debate on Thursday night at Centre College in Danville, KY, provided a huge boost in television ratings. Biden, during his introduction to the audience, stopped and dipped his hand in the steaming water, smiled, and could be seen mouthing, "hot in the hot tub." Ryan, not to be outdone by his opponent, made a pit stop to take a quick sip of champagne that each of the hot tub's female occupants on his side of the stage were holding. After returning the glass, Ryan appeared to say, "gonna make you sweat."

Friday, October 12, 2012

Dead Sea scrolls Dead Sea Scrolls website

The very salty body of water has been taking intensive computer classes for the past month and wanted to learn more about the Scrolls that share its name. 'There are some interesting facts about the Scrolls when you scroll down to the bottom of the website,' said the Dead Sea. 'We had a whole class on scrolling last week, so ...'

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Walgreens, Washington Nationals to settle logo dispute out of court

Washington, D.C.--The logos for M.L.B.'s Washington Nationals and the drugstore chain Walgreens are nearly identical. The cursive "W" swoops, curves, bends, and twists resembling the silhouette of a Six Flags rollar coaster. Two weeks ago, Walgreens, which traces its roots to 1901, filed suit in federal district court alleging trademark infringement against the Nationals, established in 2005. However, after several days of "light" negotiating the two sides agreed to settle the dispute out of court. According to the Washington Post, the Nationals accepted a Walgreens proposal to rename the team the Washington Walgreens for twelve games a year for the next ten seasons beginning in 2013. "We really like the 'W' we have on our uniforms," said Al Brinery, assistant to the traveling president. "We considered changing the logo but it just didn't work. We think it's a fair settlement." The national chain is now the official drugstore of the Nationals and four players--at the choosing of Walgreens--will appear in Walgreens television commercials for the next five years. In addition, two Nationals players must become actual pharmacists and spend time working the counter at D.C. metro Walgreens as a "cool promotion."

Monday, October 8, 2012

Historians confirm Columbus had 4th and 5th ships, which sadly sailed off edge of world

The Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria were fortunate enough to complete the arduous journey to the New World in 1492. The Sasha and the Steve unfortunately navigated using the wrong constellation, Orion's Suspenders, which cost them dearly.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Reid postgame comment directed at no one in particular: 'Eagles and Primanti Bros sandwich shop were founded in the same year: 1933'

The comment, randomly inserted into the middle of the postgame press conference, confused members of the media, players, and fans. The seven to ten seconds of dead silence that followed the aimless fact felt like an eternity. The coach, perspiring slightly more, continued answering questions about the very winnable 16-14 loss to the Steelers.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Unbelievable video of Manhattan office worker using scaffolding just above sidewalk as uneven parallel bars during lunch break goes viral

The event, which took place sometime last week, was captured on a late 90s-era camcorder and the VHS tape is rapidly being passed around to friends, family members, friends of family members, neighbors of friends, friends of friends, and friends of neighbors. 'It's really making the rounds.'

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Denver Presidential Debate: Political analysts unsure of altitude effect on moderator, candidates

Above: Governor Romney and President Obama agree on at least one thing, as they show the number five following the University of Denver Presidential Debate last night. They were  answering the question: What did debate moderator Jim Lehrer really mean when he said you had two minutes to respond to a question? "Jim meant five minutes when he said two minutes," said Romney and Obama at the same exact time. One political analysts said this: "There was a moderator?"