Wednesday, January 30, 2013

NFL investigating why Chip Kelly left time spent at Southern New Hampshire University, as offensive coordinator of an online freshman football team, off resume

Philadelphia--The  SNHU online squad, whose only opponent was a freshman team at the University of Phoenix, went 1-10 against the Arizona-based school that year. Coaches and players for each team, who lived all across the country, never met and only played the games and practiced as a group via the internet and occasional videoconferencing. "It's a real interesting football program that we got here," said Southern New Hampshire's athletic director, Al Smith, from his year-round home in Nebraska. "It calls for lots of coordination and planning, but it works and we're getting better. We went 3-8 against U of P this season." Did Kelly leave the four-month position off his resume simply because of the 1-10 record? The NFL is determined to find out.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

President of Portugal calls Garrett McNamara 'the craziest son of a bitch on the planet who is welcome anytime in my country'

Above: Big-wave surfer Garrett McNamara rides a giant wave off the Portuguese coast north of Lisbon. The wave is believed to be the largest ever ridden by a surfer, possibly breaking McNamara's own record set over a year ago. The president of Portugal, Anibal Cavaco Silva, praised McNamara's accomplishments and has credited the surfer for giving Portugal invaluable publicity. "Garrett is not quite right in the head, I think we can all agree, but I love that he is a risk taker. It reminds me of myself a little bit," said a smiling president. Silva, who is somewhat known for his sense of humor, presented McNamara with a custom-made straitjacket adorned with the Portuguese flag.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Flyers ready for franchise's first day-night doubleheader in Florida

Sunrise, FL--The Philadelphia Flyers, already depleted by injuries and looking up in the standings, face a tough stretch in the schedule, including today's day-night doubleheader, the first in franchise history. However, it is not the only day-night double header of the season, it is merely the first of four--an unfortunate and unavoidable consequence of the lock-out-shortened, 48-game NHL schedule. After a 1 p.m. game today against the Florida Panthers the team will board a one-hour flight from Miami to Tampa for an 8 p.m. contest with the Lightning. "It's tough but you just psych yourself up and do what you have to do," said first-year captain Claude Giroux. Coaches and players expressed that the main concern was if the first game went into overtime or a shootout, delaying the arrival in Tampa. All thirty NHL teams will play at least three doubleheaders this year, while twelve teams play six, the maximum the league would allow. "The health of our players comes first," said Gary Bettman, NHL commissioner. "However, we needed to cram in games during days and times that were not ideal, and that, unfortunately, included scheduling many doubleheaders." The Flyers will fly from Tampa immediately following the game tonight to New York for a 10 a.m. Sunday matchup tomorrow morning with the Rangers.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

New eHarmony televison commercial uses Te'o as a verb

Paranoid online dating sites are racing to repair perceived damage caused by the Te'o girlfriend hoax via television and print ads.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Seeking 'any publicity whatsoever,' NHL claims full responsibility for Te'o hoax

"Yeah, it was all us," said one NHL official. "Our bad. We did it. Yep, the whole thing. We're very sorry. Now, just show our logo everywhere and mention the NHL all over the place and we can all move on."

Friday, January 18, 2013

Oprah claims Armstrong opened up a 'little too much' during exclusive interview: 'The testicle in the jar on my mantel at home is plastic, I keep the real testicle in a safe in the billiards room.'

Though the interview has yet to air between the troubled ex-seven-time Tour de France winner and media mogul Oprah Winfrey, snippets of the candid talk have surfaced:
  • Remember that marathon I ran a couple years back? Yeah, well, the truth is I didn't even want to run it.
  • "I know this wasn't the question, but, yes, I do have hemorrhoids."
  • "If I could go back, I'd probably change the doping part of my life."
  • "I know it's strange, but I feel like the doping thing is what's gotten me into this whole mess."
  • "But, really, if I was able to go back, that would mean somewhere along the line someone invented the time machine. And, realistically, someone--most likely me--would have gone back and warned the doping Lance that he was gonna get caught." 
  • "The chub rub I experienced on some of the mountain stages of the Tour was awful. I'm talking about major bleeding, chafing."

Attempt to celebrate London Underground's 150th Anniversary with 1860s-era steam engine 'does not go so well'

Subterranean revelers waiting to ride and cheer on the antique steam train, once a fixture in the Underground, stumbled out of smoke-clogged subway stations gasping for air and mending watering eyes.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Lakers threaten to sue Jack Nicholson after actor spotted courtside at, um, well, a Clippers home game

The team said if they cannot sue Nicholson--the case will unlikely make it to court--they will attempt to keep the big screen star from attending future Clippers games by moving his familiar sideline Lakers seats "two or three inches" closer to the court. "He'll officially be the closest fan to the court, not only in the Staples Center, but the entire league," said one Lakers official. "He can't turn that down."

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

In celebration of 150th anniversary, London Underground finally eliminates famous gap

London--It took 150 years, but it finally happened. The famous gap between subway cars and the station platform that spurred the famous "Mind the Gap" warning to London Underground riders has been reduced to nothing. "It has long been the goal of the Underground to eliminate the gap, but the lack of technology prevented it from happening until now," said David Jensen, operating president of the massive London Underground. "We wanted it done in time for the 150th anniversary celebration, that was crucial." The transit agency won't say what that technology is, but it is clear, while riding one of the world's busiest subways, that, indeed, the gap is gone. "It is amazing," said Kathryn Winslet, 41, a resident of the Sonnington section of the city. "It looks like the train should become wedged as it enters the platform. But, somehow it works." Gap closure came at a hefty price, costing over fifty billion pounds to retrofit nearly all 270 stations. Due to the (sometimes violent) effort of historic preservationists, two stations--Shrewsberry Castle and Tussle-on-Sherry--were not modified. So, what will happen to the "Mind the Gap" signs and verbal announcements? "Currently, we are in intense negotiations with the GAP clothing company to turn the now meaningless phrase into advertisements. Perhaps: 'Mind the GAP,' it's right up the steps and two blocks down.' I don't know, something to that effect."   

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Country's first high-speed rail line will connect rural eastern Nebraska to rural western Iowa

Norfolk, NE--It's finally here. The seemingly endless, in-depth studies are complete and the controversial funding is in place. All the hard work has finally paid off and the country's transportation system just got a little better with the go ahead to construct the nation's first high-speed rail project. No, not in California or Florida or the Northeast Corridor for that matter, but in America's heartland.

Soon, it will no longer take nearly three hours by car to travel from Norfolk, Nebraska, to Carroll, Iowa. The $112 billion, 150-mile long passenger rail project will reduce this trip to forty-seven minutes. Towns in between connected by the new route include: Wisner (population 1,104), Bancroft (pop. 502), and Decatur (pop. 500) in Nebraska. In Iowa, nine towns, not including Carroll, will be part of the system: Onawa (pop. 3,007), Turin (pop. 72), Soldier (pop. 178), Ute (pop 385), Charter Oak (pop. 512), Denison (pop. 8,392), Vail (pop. 451), Westside (pop. 298), and Arcadia (pop. 471).

Florida and California, each candidates for high-speed rail and each holding large populations, lost to the much more bucolic Nebraska-Iowa route. The official name of the project is NENEWCIA High-Speed Rail Project (NorthEastern NEbraska-West Central IowA). The passenger service is unofficially known as the HawkHusker Express, combining Hawkeye and Cornhusker from Iowa and Nebraska, respectively. The line, according to the U.S. High-Speed Rail Authority & Agency, "combines quickness and fastness mixed together in mind-boggling proportions."

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Another Manhattan office tower bans whistling while working

Manhattan--The sign by the elevator eliminates any possible confusion: No whistling while working in this building! This is a 47-story skyscraper in lower Manhattan, where management has decided to wage war against whistlers after a recently published report showing precipitous declines in work production when employees generate the high-pitched sound while performing job tasks.

Property management agencies throughout the borough vehemently deny mounting pressure from individual tenant companies to ban whistling in order to pass off the possible legal ramifications resulting from such debatable actions.

Nonetheless, the movement is spreading. Just a few blocks west, closer to the Hudson River, the lobby of another building displays a temporary banner reading: This is a Whistling-free Building. (Security guards are quick to point out a more permanent placard has been ordered that will hopefully replace the banner by next week.)  A picture on the lower right of the banner shows a pair of lips whistling enclosed in a circle with a thick, red line slashing through the middle.

These are just two office towers adopting the controversial policy, but scores more across the 24-square-mile island have already passed the rule despite protests.

The reason behind the mass ban: A Bryn Mawr College study published in early December 2012. The report refutes the very foundation beneath the success of the Seven Dwarfs' work ethic: whistling while working.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

NHL Lockout over: Not all players thrilled with new four-blade skate requirement

The move allows players to wear sneakers with the skates, which, league officials say, will increase comfort and safety exponentially for the high-flying athletes. Others claim it will slow down the game exponentially. "Yeah, I've used four-blade skates before ... when I was six-years-old," said one NHL right winger. "Yes, it's very comfortable, but, man, is it slow. You're basically running."

Source: Old Snickers television ad influenced Reid's decision to sign on as Kansas City head coach

At the formal contract signing, the ex-Eagles' coach reportedly asked team owner Clark Hunt why Chefs was spelled with an "i" throughout the multi-page document. "Reid had a very concerned look on his face when signing the contract," said one source present at the signing. "I think he really thought the team was the Chefs. Honestly, he looked almost sad. At one point, he took a break from signing and said, 'I just need a minute to gather myself, guys. You see, it's just that the Snickers ad ...' Then he just trailed off."

Friday, January 4, 2013

Public Service Announcement encouraging city residents to dispose of Christmas trees via kitchen garbage disposals

The television PSA, featuring husband and wife team Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick, suggests residents, "perhaps throw out a couple of branches each day over several weeks." What about the tree trunk? The ad covers this topic with a closeup shot of a very serious Bacon while he explains: "Garbage disposals are much stronger than you think, people. Yes, you can jam a reasonably-sized tree trunk into a disposal but be smart about it. Let's keep trees out of our landfills." Bacon also plugs his new show The Following throughout the 30-second spot.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Promotion gone bad: Dunkin' Donuts recalls millions of glazed donut spare tire covers

The popular coffee/donut chain warns customers that the Chinese manufacturer did not realize covers were supposed to be edible.